Kinai's Book of Darks

[Interia_Discordius]

My fingers have a life of their own, it seems...

Before, I was only ever worried about the usual roguey issues. You know, like accidentally snatching something off the table, keeping a few [hundred] jinks, forgetting to give something back...It wasn't too big of a deal, especially because once I noticed I went about to get it back. It wasn't something like, permanent. I paid attention to the problem, but I didn't sweat over it.

But recently, out in the deserts of Dregar, they went overboard...

Skabot and the others were spell-casting, and I guess confusion hit me or some sort, and all of a sudden a huge ambush of giants fell upon me. My team vanished, and all I could do was keep hacking away at them as they surrounded me, staring with their beady little eyes...They kept repeating my name, and as a giant fell, one grabbed me by my wrists from behind. I screamed, squeezing my eyes shut, struggling.

When I opened them again, I was surrounded by my angry teammates, mostly yelling at me over what had got into my head...I tried to tell them the giants had attacked me, and as I looked from their faces, I caught sight of blood...

My gaze, almost with a life of their own, followed the drips to the body of a lifeless ZupZup. I gasped in horror, the kukris dropping from my hands. They fell with a soft thud as I tried to take in what had happened. I had killed someone, a fellow teammate...

I couldn't believe myself...I had murdered a friend.

The others, after realizing I was put under a confusion spell, tried to cheer me up. Talia brought ZupZup back to life and Zack, another victim of my knives, healed himself. They tried to explain that it wasn't my fault, that it was alright, but I knew better than that...My hands were acting on their own will and I couldn't do a thing about it.

Nowadays, as I sit here and write this, I am sure of it. They get itchy, almost as if someone had placed ants under my skin, and I want to pickpocket someone or kill something. It's terrible...I can't handle it, and yet I have no way to bring it up with anyone. The ever-watching eyes of darkness must understand, they must know what's going on with me...

I think it's time I set aside my blades and seek out the help of a fellow rogue. Perhaps, in the meantime, I can find a mentor shadowdancer. I can't put others in danger with this growing curse of my rogue hands.

And I pray to the gods that they get no worse.

[Interia_Discordius]

I wrote a poem in my brief time in Haven...I'll have to tell it to the others sometime.

The Little Kinai
By, of course, Kinai Kinsei

Once upon a time, a rogue girl was born.
Something her father, a fighter, would greatly scorn.
He disliked the thief's path, said it strange.
And frowned as his daughter snatched all that was in range.
He scolded her, said dearest, you must fight with pride!
So the little girl said yes, father, and smirked as she lied.
She trained as a warrior and spit behind is back,
For a good eye and smart mind, he sure did lack.
For years she lived this way, with sneak and sword,
But found soon that she was growing very, very bored.
Ever since a child, her fingers had an itch...
To be strong, to be famous, to be known, to be rich.
And to cure this scratch, she set out on her path...
To prove to the men, a lady has just as much wrath!
The tingle in her digits slowed down quite well,
Until one day, in a desert, all hope fell.
Confusion was beset upon her lovely mind,
Giants and ogres around her, was all she could find.
So she swung and she fought, attacked and spit,
Fought as best as she could, she threw quite a fit!
Until her teammates' awakened her with a mournful cry,
And someone whispered, you killed them, with a final sigh...
She gasped in horror, fell to her knees,
Said no, this can't be, make it stop, please!
But she had killed her friend, and his blood soaked the ground,
She realized that it was friends, not giants, that did surround...
And so, feeling ashamed, she set out on her life,
Not to be rich or famous, but to cure that terrible strife...
For she felt a curse was set upon her, on her little rogue nails,
And as she thought about it, her face, it did quite pale.
Instead of killing and stealing to ease the pain,
She had to find a shadowdancer and have them make her sane.
For untrained skills don't go a long way,
Most likely turn on you, if you wait for the right day.
So this little girl Kinai set out with a plan,
To stop the dreadful itch, and along the way, perhaps, find the right man.

[Interia_Discordius]

I'm in debt to Magus Del'Mar since I bought an iron and adamantium kukri from him...Everyone is saying he's the worst guy to be in debt to, and I have a sinking feeling they're right. He's a scary, intimidating man...I mean, what kind of guy has spiders crawling all over him?! He didn't even seem to notice when I froze up...

I don't have a huge debt though, just 7,500 jinks left. I can already pay it off, but, err...

I made a terrible mistake with my word choices. I said I'd do whatever he asked for, carelessly thinking only about bringing items or jinks, and he took it as being WHATEVER he wanted. I just sealed my own fate, I think. Either way, I hope he's kind with what he asks for...My heart is pounding just thinking about it.

In a few days, I'll be visiting him again to pay off the debt. I just hope he forgets about my little trip in words. He's too scary to argue with!

[Interia_Discordius]

I was walking with Pyyran and talking to him about Steel when he referred to him as Coin. I was absolutely confused, and when I asked for him to explain, he simply shrugged and said that was how he had introduced himself to him. Which makes me wonder...Why would Steel, err, Coin, do that? Curiosity's gotten its little grip on me, so I'm going to be trying to figure it out, I know. Time to Steel the meaning of Coin! Tee hee. I feel so clever when I do that.

In the meantime, I'm still continuing my search for shadowdancers. The itch is constant, the fascination remains, and the self-training is painful. I really hope that I find myself someone who can teach me...

No luck in finding Magus Del'Mar, either. I wonder where he and his half-giant slave went off to. I really don't like this debt hanging over my head.

[Interia_Discordius]

I grow stronger every day in my adventures, and as I learn the art of hiding, I also learn the art of dancing. As the name states Shadowdancer, I feel I have to learn both. Although Daddy trained me in strength, I know I must learn dexterity as well. I cannot always rely on my arms, which grow weakened after several battles. I have to learn to sidestep, tumble, leap, and move. It is a dance with the dying, doomed, and dead. Pyyran had said something similar to Shiffy, and so I take what lessons I remember him speaking, and apply it to my own training.

And so I continue my training, and, for a moment in time, I can tell myself I am getting so much better. I can't say that often, either way...My "best" is to become a shadowdancer, and as close as I am, I feel so far.

Distance can be a problem, whether it be a mental or social distance. Speaking of, I always feel a slight uncomfortable distance from Steel. I do like him (quite a lot, in fact), but I wonder if I'll have a chance with him. I know I can't be losing hope though because he talks to me now. I just wish it wasn't so difficult sometimes! I'm content with not bothering him about what he looks like under the mask while his voice is still a fresh and new thing, but I know the curiosity will come back again when I've gotten used to actually speakng with him. I do hope though that he can trust me well enough at that point to go about it himself. I don't think harassing people for things like that gets you very far.

...I could always just sneak the helm off! Tee hee...
Nah, I wouldn't do that.

I'm glad he's opening up to me though, as slow as it's going. Maybe someday, we'll know each other's full stories.

I look forward to that someday...

[Interia_Discordius]

I met another shadow in the Haven mines while going down there with Steel and some others. The whole place is haunted, I swear, but I can't forget about that shadow. The way it hid, the way it moved, EVERYTHING! I'm going to be like that one day. I'm going to induce a sort of oddly suspicious yet incredibly intriguing feeling!

But...

Ozy told me that I don't really have the right attitude to walk the path of the Shadowdancer...I guess he's right. I'm really not that mysterious all the time. I mean, I can be, and I do it sometimes, but I don't find a reason to be mysterious around my friends. I suppose that's what I should consider, though. Being only myself amongst my friends and learning the art of the unknown for the public's eye...I wouldn't like it at first, but it's another game, right? To live is to play! I can be just as compelling and interesting by keeping an aura of the unknown around me.

I think that's what I'll do though. Change of heart, learn the silence, master the dance, and become the shadow.

Kinai Kinsei, shadowdancer extraordinaire...

[Interia_Discordius]

Mystery, movement, control, knowledge...The four keys to becoming a shadowdancer. To have the aura of the unknown, to sneak unseen, will and focus, and the smarts of the shadows. The itch of my hands are not a burden, but an enlightenment. It does not control me, but I it. With that supposed flaw, I focus and make it my blessing. The drive to steal and kill will be manipulated into the art of hidden death.

The one true conversation I've had with Dur'Thak, and already, he's taught me this much. A simple standing around Corax Lake, and he opens my eyes to what I can be. It isn't just about the keys, as important as they are, but the mindset in which you have to enter. There has to be a gate for them to open...I've thought about it a lot after he told me, and I've fought back the urge to scratch at my raw and torn fingers. From now on, the pain and scars will serve as a reminder of where I should concentrate. It is no longer a matter of just watching.

I feel so serious, yet I know this is how it's meant to be. This isn't like being a rogue. This involves the supernatural...You can't joke and josh about that. Dur'Thak has pointed to where I should go, something no one else has bothered to do, and I would be a fool not to listen. Focus, focus, focus.

I wish I could thank that tiefer. He's changed my life with that one word...

[A blood drop is at the bottom of the page, most likely from an open scab wound from her hand.]

I am my own master. My path will be carved by the same hands which have cursed and saved me.

[Interia_Discordius]

I'm worried for Czu Czu. He met the Soul Mother in the Rifts for the sixth time, the echoing scream of her sadistic happiness echoing throughout the caverns as he fell. He seemed so upset about it when we met up again, and there was nothing I could do. I hate that part of people being sad. I don't personally care about others often, and when I do care about them, it's painful to watch them go through things like that. We all handle grief in our own way, I know that, but it makes it no easier...I just wanted to help cheer him up somehow.

After Czu Czu walked away, his faded figure vanishing into the distance, I asked Dur'Thak to walk with me back to Hurm. I couldn't read any expression because of his mask, but he followed along. The night was so quiet and peaceful, yet my own death plagued me, and concern tore at my mind. It was to the point where I brought it up with Dur'Thak. He understands death too well, it seems. As he chipped away at oysters, looking for those beautiful pearls, he explained to me about moving on, the abyss that creates an itch for himself, and of course, reminding me what was truly important. To focus. He told me not to feel so alone, and I don't anymore. We are both plagued with our own strange drive to kill, and he knows well the ways about it. I will learn a lot from him.

We took the boat back to Leilon, where chilly winds and salty air greeted us. He lead me to a house, it seems he lives there too, and showed me to a portal where we blitzed (I think I used that correctly). I wonder if he leaves the door unlocked. I doubt it, but it'd shorten a very long walk to Hlint Hlint.

Back in my hometown, he mentioned wanting to show me a place, and with a minor lag in our walk when I ran to the garden and snatched up a rose, we headed out north. It was a direction in which I didn't take often, but admit to liking. It's a quiet little stroll through some pretty areas, and it all leads up to the High Forest.

Halfway through the walk, Dur'Thak asked me about the wounds on my hands. I forgot to mention that the itch had a manifestation, and explained to him how badly I scratched at them. He studied my palms, rubbed raw with scabbed over gashes, and told me to wait. He made me some sort of earthy mix, added in a potion, and said that I was to gently squeeze it...Yet as he handed it to me, I saw his own hands were badly burnt. Celestia, he said, had done that to him.

It seems all of us so-called heroes are nothing more than victims of our own adventuring...Some of us just choose to view their mishaps as additional wisdom. I think that's what Dur'Thak does, and that's what I also need to do.

Did I mention that the High Forest's Harmony Grove is by far one of the most beautiful sights? The sprawling trees reaching up to the heavens, the insects and birds chirping and singing in a hidden place, the solace of it all...I love it. I absolutely adore it. I couldn't believe my ears when Dur'Thak admitted to not being there in a long time.

...Hmm, I'm sure writing a lot. I guess he makes me think. Moving on.

Sometime during our conversation, he asked me what I had called an elf ranger we had styxed. I told him I tagged them Ear Men, feeling slightly silly saying it. We had a little laugh over that. The talk got around to appearances, and I got him to take off his helm. It was the first tiefling I had ever actually orbed, so I was a bit taken aback. Infernal, red eyes, sharp canines, long teeth, and ears that could have looked elven...Mutilated and cut. Balor and elven. I guess I'm a lucky one, he said he doesn't show his face often. I personally thought he looked rather cute, although I didn't say that. Something told me he might not have liked hearing that.

The darkness fell around us, snow later joining in its tumbling, and I giggled as Dur'Thak tasted a snowflake. The conversation went back around to the eternal itch, and he said he had something I could focus on to avoid the habit. He took out something, and as I thought it would be similar to tinkering tools or sewing, he showed me a red rose. I accepted it, feeling a playful smile cross my face. Our differences and unknowings make us both uniquely naive. I had to explain to him what rose meant to a primer. I can't say I know for sure how he felt about that particular situation.

I still carry everything he's given to me...The wisdom of his words, the earthy mix which I use every now and then to speed up my hands' healing, and that rose - the first one, I think he said, he ever picked and... Or? ...Saw. One of the two. I was too preoccupied with the fact it was a rose!

I'm such a dreamer...Yet I wonder if any of my dreams will ever come true.

In the end, I know I'll be talking to Dur'Thak every chance I get.

[Interia_Discordius]

Dur'thak shared a dark with me while I was going on with the cant. He mentioned that he knew of gypsies that were familiar with a place where the living shadows walk. He said they had a hidden camp at one point out in Lake Palden, and that if they return, I can speak with them for the first step in my ultimate destiny. Leaving a warning in my mind that I must go alone, he said that if they gave me the deep dark, he'd be my Adam.

Yet, as with anything I've ever wanted in my life, it would not be easy. For once though, that's fine. This is to be the one of the greatest chapters in my life! Shouldn't it be grand and filled with adventures and wonder? I'm going to be a shadowdancer! I'll have many a date with death and I'll simply prace away. Nah nah nah nah nah nah, you can't catch me...1, 2, 3, hide and go seek. Olly olly oxenfree. You can't find me.

I'd sacrifice anything to be one with the shadows. Even my humanity. This is my path...Nothing will deny me.

Eenie meenie minie mo, catch a rogue girl by her toe. If she hides, it will stay so...Eenie, meenie, minie mo. My daddy raised the very best one, and I am it.

[Interia_Discordius]

I honestly think it so cute when people believe they know what "insanity" truly is. How can one judge another to have lost their minds when they clearly don't know the depth of it? Actions speak louder than words, but they do not state everything. In fact, the statement actions make are usually misinterpreted. What do they know?

I'm a Hlint Hlint girl. I can't say I'm proud of it, but the one great pro about being a local is that you have ears. They're hidden all over town, listening for you when you can't hear for yourself. Add a mouth with those ears, and they'll come to you and tell you. The news today? Stark raving madness.

[There's an ink blotch next to madness, as if she had pressed the quill against the parchment too hard in her anger. Skipping a few blank lines to avoid the splotch, she continues.]

It's just, yes, I know everyone thinks Czu Czu and his gang have all lost their mind, but sheesh! Who cares? I can handle my blood being sloshed about in Petey 'cause whenever he collects it, I'm dead anyhow, and if his diet bothers someone, they should just learn to ignore it. Why does everyone insist on stating their opinion on how he goes about in his life? I highly doubt he's going to change for THEM. I've noticed that, actually. No one can keep their lips sewn shut when a thought hits their mind. Oh, let's forget how rude it is, let's just shout it at them! They can't possibly have feelings!

You know, I've never seen him upset about it, but we all do have feelings. We are the living, and the living are capable of some emotion. We may deny, but they exist. Either way, upsetting someone is a chance, and a person's disregard for that chance angers me greatly. I don't understand why no one bothers to consider that.

[Interia_Discordius]

She writes quietly in her pretty spot in Lake Palden, pausing to admire the flowers and flowing water around her. Closing her eyes, a slight smile touches her face. Re-opening them, her green eyes speckled with brown observes what she has written so far. A glimmer touching those orbs, she continues writing, her quill dancing on the parchment.

I feel at peace with myself. For once, the turmoil in my soul has calmed. When he told me he didn't want to lose me, something silenced, and the ever-crying scream of acceptance ceased. I wanted to laugh and hug him and kiss him, but I held myself back. I've told him my secrets, and I've traveled with him often, but I'll wait for him to make the move. I'm too quick for most people...It's better this way, and it's better for me to keep his name out for now. I've written enough names in here, and his matters too much for me to pen down just yet. When it's for certain, I'll write it. I promise...

So much is making sense to me now though. I've spent so much effort winning over the hearts of men completely opposite from me when someone so like me was so close. He's caring, silly, outgoing, and fun...He's perfect for me, and whenever our gazes linger upon anothers, my heart races. He might even like me, although the assumption makes it more difficult to keep my everlasting mouth shut.

I'm obsessed with this emotion. I want to touch it and hold it like the gods and angels, but I can't. I can't breathe it, see it, or hear it, but I can touch it. It's like the soul of a song, the warmth of a fire, the grasp of a baby upon a mother's finger. Like the tear of inner joy, the laughter of a girl, and a loving kiss shared between the blessed. Love. No wonder no one can explain it...It's elusive and too unque.

An intoxication of the heart...And I'm caught in its grasp.

This time, I am for certain.

[Interia_Discordius]

It's been so long since I've gotten about to writing in this ol' accursed journal! It's hard when you're trying to find a ruby or an emerald! (In the meantime, I'm working on tanning, cutting gems, and gathering goods.) You see, I'd always like those pretty rocks for myself, but the main reason why I'm so hell-bent on finding one is because I want to give it to Krys! He's the man I spoke about earlier. I adore that guy!

My whole smart-ness feeling is currently gone...Been awake for sooooo long. I just didn't want to forget there was anything to say. Err. Something to say, yup yup!

Krys and I might buy a house soon...We just have to hunt a LOT to be able to make all that jink. That's fine though, I love traveling with Krys. I love him!

E ceela aey. That's the word!

...I'm too cheerful for my own good sometimes. Maybe I'll be able to write something a little more "intellectual" later!

For now, sleep calls, and I'm tired of focusing to keep the itch at bay. It's time to call it a night...

[Interia_Discordius]

I borrowed a mahogany bow from Czu Czu in his house in Haven today! Walking in there gave me a twinge of sorrow at the fact I haven't seen him in a while. I wonder how he's doing, where he's gone. From how the others talk, it sounds like he's disappeared! I hope not. I'd be sad. He's one of my best friends, he can't be gone!

Krys and I are hunting more for silver and jinks. We need it for the house we're going to buy someday! He's so pleasant, making my day so much better if it had gone rough. He understands me and cares for me more than anyone else, and I hope he knows I feel the same way with him. I'm going to take up some tradeskills, I think, so I can help more offhand when he's not about.

Speaking of...

Tanning isn't the most painless thing to do, by the way. Dipping my hands in those acids really isn't a pleasant to do. Not to mention it makes my scars and scratches burn! It'll be a pretty satisfying job though, I think, in the long run. It will take a while to begin though, sadly.

I wish I had more to say...I wonder where Dur'Thak is. I need to talk to him about the gypsies or something. I have to begin my journey. Something in me calls for it.

Or at least, the shadows are calling to me...

[Interia_Discordius]

It's hard to forgive myself for the stupid mistake I made with Daralith, telling him those words "Anything you want." It made so much unnecessary complications, and although before I managed to avoid him...

To make a long story short, Krys learned. Even through his usual serene demeanor, I could tell it was eating away at him. I tried to convince him out of confronting him, I honestly tried, but it was in vain. He was hell-bent on talking to Daralith about it...

Cire, a brownie I had rescued some time ago, hopped along inside around then, and we dropped the conversation. I would have argued with him till my eyes bled, but I knew it wouldn't work either way. Maybe it's because Krys figured things about it already...I know I can't. My mind just can't wrap itself around how much Daralith can really do. What would a person ask if they could get anything? What would he ask?

In this case, is ignorance bliss?

When light and darkness took its turns for the next few days, Krys and I walked to the pretty spot in Haven and sat down to talk about it between tiny sips of ale and bites of delicious food. I enjoyed the scenery and such, but...There was something he wanted to say, and it left a bitter taste in the back of my throat as I waited in anxiety.

He summarized this as kindly as he could, stating things offhand like the whole situation wasn't exactly life-threatening. He had talked to Del'Mar, he said, and in exchange for the release of the debt, he would fight him in the arena. Daralith had other ideas though, and although he agreed the fight in the arena would free me despite the outcome, if Krys lost, he would lose a strand of his soul to Daralith. A strand that the Soul Mother would never get her grimy hands upon.

I cried, raged, was in a shock to say the least. Why would he do that? I would prefer to be Daralith's slave than ask Krys to sacrifice a part of himself for me, but he wouldn't hear any of it. He's so quick...I was still getting over asking what he was going to do about the arena fight and he himself doesn't even seem to be considering any of the battle. Something along the lines of getting out of the fight before it begins...But he isn't talking about running away. I'm positive of that...

My gods, what have I done though? Krys... He's saving everything I call my own. He's saving me...More than he ever has before.

I just wish the act of heroism wasn't needed. To the underworld with my everlasting mouth!

[Interia_Discordius]

"Appearances, lass." Hiding the ultimate truth behind a shield of tricks. A joke all to oneself. Covering everyone's eyes and letting only a half-smile betray your intentions. I'm having fun, but you can't know about it!

Life is fleeting, he teaches, it's all about what's enjoyable. Good, evil, it's all an illusion. What black and white are become shades of complex grays...It's not religion or another's say that separates these, but yourself. Good and evil are nothing...Right and wrong is the way. Perceptions become deceptive and confusion rules the mind when following another's exact life on what is holy and what is rotten. You are your own master. Walk your own path.

He mentioned fighting dirty to win too. I can't say I'd willingly pull off some of those tricks though unless my life was in danger, but some of them? Oh, I do some of them all the time. I'm a rogue, for heaven's sake! It's second nature to fight dirty! I think I lived a lot by Shadon's "code" for a long time...I guess I'm just waking up to it now. I've thought about Shadon ever since I've started talking to Hawk...I think it's the right way to go.

I'm sort of looping on the writing about the deity because I'm trying to keep my mind off of Dur'Thak. Gods, I've never cried so hard in my life. So many secrets in my head... I can't write them down. I can't risk breaking my trust with Dur and Hawk and anyone else who I gave my promise not to tell about. Darks in my brain-cage all locked up...

My everlasting mouth is beginning to obey now. I listen too, I keep what I hear. Daralith has sharpened what I have of a mind into a point, like a dagger. With Dur'Thak's guidance and Hawk's wisdom, my eyes are opening. All within, going without the spilling of cant. I'm more alert now, although NO ONE will ever know. They think I'm just a floozy fool...Well, not anymore. What was once true, now a disguise. I'll carve it into my wrist to keep from forgetting things if I have to.

Mystery, the air of unknowing...No. These are the tools of a plain shadowdancer. I was never plain! Unlike Hawk, I will always care about what people say and think. In thought lies the weakness.

I'll only drop my mask around the people who I really care about and who really know me. The others? They can make me a forgetful idiot in their minds all they want! I'll be laughing inside.

Daralith, you're creating a monster of me, but maybe it was needed. Do you know what you're dealing with? I don't think you realize...But may the best monster win, berk.

[Interia_Discordius]

Pain, I can't get enough...

Dur'Thak's talk of why his armor was so spiky made me realize something of my own outfit...The neck piece. I reached up and touched one of the spikes on there gently, and a sort of dread filled my heart. He does it so he won't be touched, and I think something in me did it for the same reason too. I know why, but I can't admit it to myself yet. I refuse to.

In the meantime, I'm on the edge of my nerves. There's so much on my plate right now... Daralith, Krys' odd behavior, Tadhg's mean words about me being some betraying snake in the grass (that isn't true, is it?!), and the itch in my hands continues. I swear, if Dur'Thak hadn't distracted me by showing me his tail, I would have lost my mind.

Taddy's words are just... Painful, you know? No one likes to hear things like that being said to them or about them. He doesn't get it... He really doesn't... And he made me rage, too! I ticked Dur'Thak off and so I wanted to apologize by giving him a gem, and while he was distracted by an aasimar's book thing, Tadhg just ran up and snatched it!

Then the kukris went into my hand and I was warning him to drop it.

...

Today must be let's be mean to Kinai day. The whole situation is ridiculous...

At least I got Dur'Thak and Brother Hawk, I suppose...

[Interia_Discordius]

The cloak of Shadon feels soft against my hands. I love to play with it...I always had to tug at Big Brother Hawky's before, but now that I have my own, I can at least spare him that particular annoyance.

He lead me through a dizzying portal trip, and when I reopened my eyes, a confusing and strange city was in front of me. No quiet Wayfare, no strict Prantz, but a city that Hawky described as being Arnax. It was dark out there, and rather torn up...He advised me to keep my hands over my coins, and heck, I'm a rogue, I knew too darn well how stealing worked. I listened, of course. It was scary...Probably the worst condition of a city I've ever been in.

We entered Shadon's temple from there, and the inside was beautiful, especially compared to what was around it. While I was running around, I heard Hawky talking to one of the priestesses or something, and then he handed me some fabrics. He gave me a cape and a flag! I immediately put the cape on, of course, and ran around with the flag for a bit. He seemed to be happy about that.

Anyhow, we walked through the continent for a while. He showed me a balor...If my heart could stop without killing me, it would have done it. I could hardly move, and there he was bragging how EASY it was! EASY! That demon could rend me limb from limb and all he does is look at it and say easy. If I ever see him do it, I swear, I'll kiss his feet...Icky idea or not!

We walked a bit more, passing a big drake and even meaner looking giants. They had these nasty scowls on their faces and even nastier weapons. Couldn't help but imagine what having one of those fall down onto my head would feel like. If it didn't kill me, it'd at least knock me out. I wasn't about to stick long enough to learn that, invisible or not. I ran after the sound of Hawk's footsteps, which brought us to a clearing with sparkling water. High Lake. Beautiful place...Love at first sight, really. I wonder if I could have a house built there... We stopped for a quick chat anyhow, and he took me on one final trip.

Bloodstone rogues...He said when I felt ready, my ultimate test could be to sneak by them. They seem amazingly powerful, though. I could sense a sort of aura of malice from the distance at where we were, and that was pretty darn far! I shivered at the thought of it... I could just see their eyes stopping their surveying on where I would be hidden in the shadows, a quick flash of an icy blade, and death. I really, really, really don't like dying. I told him when I'm able to do it, I'll laugh at them. He advised to do so quietly.

Still makes my blood run cold though, but a promise to him is a promise. When I give Hawky my word, I do it intending to keep it. I'm a good rogue, yes, yes, I am. When I'm all done preparing, I'll prove to him how good I can be.

I can't wait until he says I'm a real Shadonite like him though. I'm squirming on this bench in Hempstead-y just thinking about it. He's like my teacher and role model...Hope we'll always be good friends like this. I've never really looked up to a person in this way before. Hey, it's all about what's fun, right? I have fun with him. Big Brother Hawky is great!

[Interia_Discordius]

She sits by the piano in her home, writing with her right hand and gently keeping her bandaged one against the pages to hold the notebook still. The dark circles under her eyes are lessened a bit, and she seems rather calm and at peace with herself despite the terrible words she writes in the notebook...

I did a horrible thing to myself today...

Tegan and Daralith both chanced upon me at roughly the same time. I guess Krys told Tegan that I broke up with him, although it was just one big misunderstanding... I never said anything like that. Why are my words always so twisted? No wonder people like Steel refuse to talk. Whatever, though. If he wants to go around assuming something like that, maybe he wants it after all. I don't care... I can't care anymore. Tegan's words still hurt, however. They didn't hit home, missed the target and killed the ranger, but the fact the arrow was still shot made me wince.

Heartless, she called me...Cold as Daralith. How could I, why, why, why? I didn't know. All I could think of at the time was tell her over and over that I never said or did such a thing. She didn't listen. I felt the kukri in my hand with its welcoming glint, and when I managed to get myself alone from all of them, I drove it all the way through my hand, splattering the ground of my hometown of Hlint Hlint blood red. Begging to the heavens for it all to end. Just end...Self-inflicted his perdition. It's too much for a primer like me to handle all at once.

She pauses in her writing, laying down the quill to gently massage her stiff left hand. Glancing behind her at the painting of a midnight stroll hanging on the wall, a lady with flowing fabrics and hair illuminated by the moon, she smiles sadly. "Shadows be with me," she whispers before continuing where she left off.

I found Dur'Thak later on, the man who I realize I'm sacrificing more than just time for, and shadowed him along to his home in Leilon where I described what had happened...He was angry with me, I think. I would be too...Driving a kukri through one's hand isn't a thing to be proud of. Even Daralith had made a comment about seeing how useful my hands could still be with their gashes.

The rest is a blur of pain when Dur put black ichor onto the wound to help it heal. Thrashing, crazed, agonized...Screaming and throwing myself against his wall and swearing and cursing. Words can't describe it. The burning was so horrible, I was incoherent. It would drive a human mad...The last thing I felt was Dur'Thak's mace cracking me onto the head, and then darkness.

I woke up in the cot, my hand bandaged, covered in a blanket. He was at the alchemy table, working on something as usual. It made me feel safe inside that he had stayed with me through the night. I can only sleep peacefully when I'm with him in that room nowadays. The rest of those places are just nightmarish hell holes. Even the shadows give me little comfort, as I know Daralith could find me any second, or some other angry creature torqued from my mistakes. Every mistake. What's a girl to do?

Either way, I swore an oath to Dur'Thak I'd never turn a shiv against myself again or place a promise with any other of his blood, him being the only exception. I refuse to break it, I refuse to be disloyal as Tegan thinks I am. I'll prove them all wrong...No one understands me? That's fine. You know what, I like it that way. Dur'Thak's perception can read me like a book, but that's because he got through the gates before they were put up. No more...Hawk and Dur'Thak can see me, but as Shadon as my witness and the shadows as my guide, no more.

She finishes abruptly, realizing she is still unable to form her emotions correctly into words, and leaves the notebook on the top of the piano as she walks to the fireplace. She expresses under her breath how exhaustion ruins any hope of writing, and tosses another log in to feed the flames. Stretching out onto the couch by it, she falls into a dreamless sleep granted by the silence of his home, the bandages a reminder of his kind side that she, perhaps she alone, is granted to see.

"And something in me feels happy to know that I might just be the only one."

[Interia_Discordius]

Remember that word...People only see what they want to see, so give them something to look at. Appearances.

She pauses to examine the key she had received from Edu'win, holding it up to the light of the fireplace at home. A key that was a link to amazing artifacts and evil deeds. It was in her hand, one of the few... She shakes her head, slipping it back into the bottom of her boot.

Big Brother Hawky and a TON of others went along on some isle hunting quest, associated with drow or some sort. I didn't really care what was going on, moreso I was too busy confusing the teammates of what my real intentions were while clinging onto the back of Hawk's cape and giggling. I found out a lot...Nothing really significant on that part, though.

I was being pretty reckless either way, and She reprimanded me for it. Some crazy creature casted a ton of spells, and next thing I knew, I could feel a part of my soul torn out of body and my dead flesh collapsing to the ground. Number four. Six more and I'm gone for good. I'm not sure how to feel about that, yet. I'm indifferent mostly...I don't want to die for good, but sometimes I wonder just how much I care for anything. I already know I'm going to die sooner or later.

The only reason why I refuse to just throw it away is because of Brother Hawky and Dur'Thak. That and... The shadows, and people like Jser. I have fun, don't get me wrong, but... Sometimes I stop and just wonder. Maybe I just need a new definition of what's enjoyable, like Hawk.

She tilts her head back against the couch, resting her eyes.

Death is scary, no matter what I say. I hate the idea of leaving behind this world and never being able to say hi to someone or feel Dur'Thak's abnormal warmth or joke with Hawk. I talk tough, but in the end, I want a normal life, despite how different I say I am. I want to get married and have kids and be with the man who knows me and understands me! Even if I'm going to be a Shadonite and a Shadowdancer...

I just want happiness. Not just the temporary kind, but the fulfilling one of a lifetime.

[Interia_Discordius]

She sits in the middle of Hempstead, listening to the voice of Hawklen talk in Elven with Yardislan and Alantha. She tightens the knots on the rope that holds the key to her wrist in a death grip before writing, stopping many times to check her surroundings. She doesn't waste time checking her back, however, as Hawk is there.

One of the three, keys for me... Something that unlocks an artifact of power strong enough to break into the wrappings of reality and time. Once a legend, now a truth...With the guardian dead, as Yard said, the mages of evil and thirst for power search for the way in. One way lies through me. I hold one of three.

She stops writing for a moment and speaks to Hawk, keeping a wary eye on the others. After some time, he smiles and leaves, and she walks up onto the deck looking over Hempstead and resumes writing what had happened.

Drow and driders chase after me now... Some mage sends his prying eyes to fly around me. Watching, waiting...I keep killing them, but more always come, and everytime I turn around and see it, I know the mage knows where I am. I feel so paranoid...I can't turn away.

I feel safe around Big Brother though. He protects me, keeps those things and those people away from me. So many people want the key...It's scaring me. It's scaring me so bad. They drool and they jabber and they stare at me, waiting to see a gleam of light reflect off the key. I keep it hidden now...My sleeve keeps it covered. My boot could tear open. I can't risk losing it.

I can't risk letting people get a hold of this key...

Coyote mentioned something about red rum that drives people mad. It's why I'm so careful. When people drink it, Coyote said, they go insane. They become an army for that mage who is watching me...I can't trust anyone anymore, can I? I hope that's understandable.

I'll still tell Dur'Thak, though. Dur'Thak and Hawky...

The pen drops from her hand and she freezes in place, a chill running down her spine. Running her hand across her neck to calm the little hairs that prickled, she glances behind her and turns ashen at the sight of a skull. Closing her notebook and setting it aside, she stands, lifting the thing as she does so. The eyeholes glow for a moment, then, as if winking, fade away into darkness. She turns it over in her hands, obviously terrified at the sight of it, then hugs it to her chest. Picking up her notebook, she takes off into the night of Hempstead.

//P.S. Thank you, GM Arbiter.