Fighter musician at your service.

[Hellblazer]

*She opens the diary that her mother and father gave her as a gift when she was little, at a page that wasn't previously written on*

Well diary, it's been some months since I have written in you because I had left you at home, a good thing too. I'm such a klutz that when I sneaked out of home, leaving a little white lie of a letter to dad and mom, I forgot you. And worse on the boat, I have forgotten my bag with all my gear on it.

Well when I got to mistone, after telling my folks that I was going to see my boyfriend at his new house, I was taken a back. I had forgotten how big this city was. But thankfully I met with uncle Dalan and Kyle. They helped me replace my equipment and I made them swear not to tell dad or mom that I was here.

I can't say I'm really proud of having lied to my parents, but Dad would never had left me go to find Sarah. I missed her so much since she came back at the house for a few weeks. Its a bit strange really, i got two twins, but at time I feel so along, because they share a bond I will never be able to share with them, Nature. Even with dad sometimes it would make me all queezy, he would often take walks with them in the wood to teach them, while I was home studying my music. It gave me the time to practice my sword when no one was around, but you know.. I wished he would have taken me more with them. But we did spend a lot of time together too, he loves listening to me play the piano he bought for us.

Well since I arrived a lot has happened. I met a lot of boys and flirt a lot with them. Lance i think is falling for me, Cole too, Chaynce is just gaga he offered me a flower the other day and couldn't put one word after the other, and Jaigy is drooling. But none are as good as Christian was, and I don't even know if I'll ever see him again... his stupid father.. why did he had to move and forced him not to tell me where???

But now I am a bit scared.. I don't let it show.. but after traveling with people to the falls forest, we stumbled on a lich and two shades. The lich didn't try anything to us but he absorbed one of the shades. Later on we stumbled on the other shade, every one was afraid of it but me. I don't know why, but it didn't seem as if it wanted to hurt us. He tended its staff to me a few times and I decided to touch it. I don't know if it was a bad idea or not, but it made me see a lot of things, people dying, wars, people running, fires and smokes. Then it disappeared, like what happened with the lich.

Now every time I blink, i see normally and the other time I see something like if it was memory of someone else. It's really confusing.  All i know is that if I touch someone, they can see the images and that I have to find someone called Merandy, something about a brother, a key and the Leringard arms. I just have this urge to find him or her.. I don't know.. maybe she can explain all this mombojumbo to me

//Impromptu ran by makashi

[Hellblazer]

I... i don't know how to write about this... I'm scared but I try to hide it to everyone.

I found Meradyn.. He didn't understand at first nor was he caring he left me there with all the others, no more answers than questions. He left me as a potato bag on a dock into the care of a very cute guy and a red haired in the Leringard arms inn. That was after I was viciously attacked by the same person to who I had made my formal complaint on Timulty actions and one of his friends. They tried to jump me to force me into hugging them, they kept trying to entice me into letting go.. I .. I was so scared.. if I had done what they asked.. what would have happened to me... would I have been found in a gutter strip of all clothing and dead? I yelled .. I screamed.. I tried to fight them both with all my strength they took my sword away and tried to force themselves onto me... but Abi .. Abi was there. *a tear stain is seen* Her that didn't understand how I felt about Timulty.. saw it then.. she understood how I felt violated by his attack... and she tried to pry them off me with all her might to, but one of them were to strong .. but I did manage to escape.  He.. He kept running after me through the woods, he almost caught me once but only caught my garb and ripped it.. I was yelling for help but no one was there... Finally I reached hempstead and found some people who tried to help.. a elf.. and a.. I don't know what he was.. then all I know.. a crowed was gathered shoving themselves.. while I was in there cornered one the ground crying and yeling kicking when they would get pass some to try and grabb me.. I .. I was horrified.. but then.. I saw them. Chaynce and Lance.. both came.. then ..Abi and more.. Half fighting the other half some to get to me to force their "help" on me.. others to defend me.. Even uncle Kyle was there.. and then with him and Captain Trent things started to get into control.. I .. I don't remember much after that.. only that the elf woman, Uncle Lance and Chaynce brought me to my father's guild. I .. I was a wreck. i couldn't stop crying .. I couldn't stop thinking that what had happened to my sister Sarah could have been happening to me too.. *more tear stains appear* I'm so afraid.. It didn't stop there though.. oh no.. those two.. Krell and Frintz came after me.. Chaynce got so mad he threaten to kill Krell while Frintz was trying to push through my uncle. Finally Krell left after My uncle mention who my godftather was.. Barion firesteed, Unit captain of the whyrm.

We talked for a while inside the guild, I.. tried to explain to them what was happening.. Jaigy even gave me a new dress so I could change from my torn armor.. I think it was getting to close to uncomfortable to them.. but then.. thats when I felt the.. I don't know what I felt.. I saw new images of a mountain.. I don't know where... and the urge to go to the Leringard arms was so strong that it was almost as a trance.. I walked there.. with all that could come and thats where i found them.. that cute guy. and that red haired woman. and .. Meradyn..

I guess I lost it after he told them there was nothing they could do to help me.. that even him didn't want to help me..when I told him of all the visions I had..

What am I going to do.. I'm so lost. I can't even hold the arms of Lance of Chayne or Cole.. I know.. it's silly since I still love Christian.. but I like those three a lot.. and. I don't know. but now.. who would want of someone like me... that gives them horrible images each time they touch me.. and to make matters worse.. my own sister spreading lies to dad that i was bedding with all of them.. .. I never slept with Christian, in two years of being together, and I was in love with him deeply...

I'm so scared now. It takes me all my strength to go out of the Leringard arms and roam the streets and wild, and when I do.. I meet them 3 and it's breaking my heart.. *more tear stains*

[Hellblazer]

Now.. I got people trying to kill me.. What did I do to deserve that?? Izzi sent me a letter which I quickly copied and sent it to every one I could think would help me. Then I found my uncle Kyle. And to say one of the assassin was with us all the time in dad's guild hall. He had a change of heart though, I guess the lich didn't know what resources I had. And to say it's not even every one, that I have sent the letter to, who were there.

Well at least it gave me the chance to get better equipment. The armor is a blight on my eyes, but I will fix it soon enough.

Lance is really sweet, but Chaynce worries me.. he seems cold, distant, I tried to talk to him but he wouldn't answer. I have to know what is going on with him and I will talk to him in private as soon as I can.

[Hellblazer]

I can't believe it, I just can't believe it.

Dad has ordered me home.. who does he think he is?? We almost staged a break out but in the end both Ayana and I agreed it was best we staid there. Vampires now.. why the hell was I born in this family?? Can't I have a simple life? no complication.. can't I decide for myself for once?

Now Chaynce and Lance fighting over me.. I am a bit flattered but come on, Lance punched Chaynce because Chaynce didn't want to get in Lance way out of friendship. Even though I find this very considerate of his part, they both made me so mad.. I even cried alone near Blackfort. I have to get a grip on myself.. all I do is bring grief even if I don't want to, even if It's not my fault. But I.. i just can't choose, it's to hard.

ON a slightly brighter news, I finally met Amilia, Uncle Lex'or love. She even told us that in the near future, no time frame given though, I will have a cousin to baby sit, even Ayana wants to take turn at babysitting. I can't wait to see him again it has been so long.

Well I got to wait here until then though, locked up in this house only allowed to go walk if there is a troupe protecting us. It's dull but at least i am with my brothers and sister, I wish Sarah was here though.. I'm worried.

[Hellblazer]

Dear Journal,

I made the choice my heart indicated, but it was so hard... so hard to tell Lance he wasn't it. Even for Chaynce he really found it hard, because Lance is like a brother to him. I cried a lot when we finally met him and out of respect and friendship, I just couldn't let him go thinking I was still available. I never wanted to hurt him.. but .. that's where my heart belongs, with Chaynce. And I fell asleep in Chaynce arms crying from the pain I felt for Lance. It was the first time he told me he loved me.

But it almost didn't happen at all. We got into a huge argument in front of many people, because I was talking in elven with my sister. I was telling her of my dilemma, away from the group but we moved closer and at that point she had something she wanted to say, but didn't because of the people around. I had no Idea that Chaynce could speak elven..  He thought I was taking him for a fool, that I was speaking behind his back in an other language. I wasn't. I tried to explain to him, even my sister tried to tell him she was the one who had something to say, but it just got heated and I left.. Mr Storold followed me but I didn't want to be followed, so I stopped and when he looked elsewhere I darted off to found my self with gobbling riders. I got killed before Mr Storold could et to me.

After that, I had found Chaynce with an elf woman, talking and him telling me to go away, that he didn't want to talk, he took her in the inn. I followed, because I.. I didn't want to lose him.. but instead of talking and accepting my apologies, he just took her into the room areas by the hand... I don't know what had happened but I was crushed. I ran back to the black ice, where MR Storold Talia Jaigan and an other uy saw me and came after me.. I was crying so hard.. A we spoke and Mr Storold asked me what I wanted, Jaigan told me that Chaynce had gone to look for me too, but instead he rushed a drake, and Jaigan said that just as he was dying he moaned my name... every one that was with him died too...

Mr Storold and Talia asked me again what I wanted, and I knew from at least a week before, that it's him my heart wanted. I told them that and they said I had to o to him and fight for him, to not give up and to not let him close that door to me. So we ran to my grave and then back to Heampsted where he was with that.. that.. elf. They were now talking outside the inn when i found them again, just as before. She didn't say a word at all, and she looked amused when I finally told him that it was him I loved. After a little bit of just looking to each other, he asked her... I think he said Jaelle, if we could speak alone and that he would see her later.

Mr Storold came with us in the inn, but Because Jaigan was just spying on us, I got a room and MR Storold staid outside waiting for us, in case something would happen. That where we told each other what we were feeling, that he did love me but he didn't know exactly how much. That I had the knack to make things complicated. But that he was willing to go and see where it would lead us. No plans for the future, no weddings at least soon, and I am all for that, I'm not ready for that at all. The only thing I wanted was a reassurance that if we were together that he wouldn't sleep with anyone else. He promised and that's when he gave me the ring.

Since then, beside having met Lance and telling him of what my heart had chosen, we have had some wonderful time together. We traveled a lot, spent time together. I even met his mother, she is really sweet, but I had to tell her somethings that I wasn't ready to talk about because of that Berk name Shiff. I told her about the flirting, about lance and I was really surprised to know that she had gone exactly through the same thing. She loved to man, drove one to die and the other to leave. I'm sad that she told me that I would never stop caring for Lance that way, it's not fair for Chaynce.. I got to find a way to just care for lance as a friend. She wasn't at all mad at me or judging me for the rumors and all. She even told me that Tegan had told her to o easy on me.. there might still be hope that I will be able to apologize to her one day. She told me that she had also called Shiff an arse, when he got me so furious, insulting my family, that I had to leave. How can someone even call him a friend.. I don't understand.

After me and miss Tyrian left, I met with Chaynce. We walked together in the woods, and sat under a tree. We just spent time there, it was really sweet. I find that even if we are not doing anything, its very a good moment. Just leaning into him while we sit.. it's just calming, it's almost as if the world stops around us. We were met there by Abi, bear, Jaigan and uncle Steel. We made a trip into a swamp to go mine some platinum, and well I have to change a habit i have. To change in front of everyone as if it was nothing. It seems it's putting Bear in a rather uncomfortable position and well I guess Chaynce doesn't like it to much either... so I will try to be careful about it. I'm not to sure how I can change into my armor without getting undressed, my armor is tight, so I can't wear anything but my undies in it. I'll figure it out.

After the trip though.. we met Lance again. He changed toward Chaynce. It got Chaynce upset and he left, but he made me understand that I should talk to Lance. So I tried. Lance is really affected by all of this, more that I thought he could be. Throughout the talks.. I found out that he had planned to ask me to marry him, he already had the ring for it, he was fidgeting with it in his pants pocket and at one point it fell. I picket it up not realizing what it was at first but when I saw it, I was stunned. The talk took an ugly turn from there, he was blaming himself for not being good enough, asking me if thins were different if he would have had a chance.. in an other world.. if I had not met Chaynce.. yes he could have had a chance. But despite all of that.. it wouldn't change what my hard had decided. My heart is to Chaynce, and I told him that. I told him I could not give him what he wanted out of me, I told him that one day he would find someone that would complete him. But it didn't help. I left him at the Stormcrest and Ran to Chaynce.. I was troubled but when I got to him in the inn he was already asleep, so I just snuggled with him and I fell asleep in his arms again, and still crying from the conversation with Lance.

I cry for Lance, yes because i care deeply for him, but also because it pains me to see him hurt this way and I know its all my fault. He says he has to let me go, I know its the right thing because I had to let o of Christian to be able to see that my heart was with Chaynce. It's just so hard to see him this way...

I don't know if I should tell Chaynce about the fact, Lance had planned to propose to me.

[Hellblazer]

Dear journal

Lots has happened since last I wrote in you. Chaynce and I are growing closer. Lance seems to be coming to term with his loss and we can start traveling all together again but it didn't came easy. Him and Lance had a big fight in front of me and Jaelle, why did she had to be there.. And Chaynce was about to give up on Lance and he decided to leave for the northern lands. Lance was still pushing it, and he had put me into a position where I had to chose between friendship and my love for Chaynce. I told Chaynce that I would go with him, where ever he wanted to go and that as long as he didn't want to see Lance, then we would not see him. Since then things got better between them. I did tell Chaynce about the ring that Lance had bought for me, Chaynce cursed in dwarven.. well at least that's how it felt. I don't want to hold anything back from Chaynce, I want us to be honest to each other and open, to tell each others when things displeases us so we can work on them. Somehow I have to let him know this, that he can open up to me what ever it is.

 There is this one time where I needed Chaynce the most and he didn't understand, instead he saw Lance and told me not now. It pained me because I had just seen the soul mother for the first time and he didn't see I truly needed to be held by him. I left for the fire and he followed, there we talked.. well.. mostly I cried and he talked. He took my hand by didn't try to pull me to him, he just was there. I leaned into him and he took me in his arms and staid there until I was calm again. I never want to see her again.

Not to long after we went to an island called Vanavar, it's a nice island but the foes there are tough; Bear, Wren, Chaynce, Jaigan and I died there, more than once. When we came back to the Dregar me and Chaynce spent a long time swimming. We had such a great time and when we got tired, we moved on the beach. Chaynce made a huge fire to keep us warm in the desert cold night and we laid there on the sand. For a moment there .. I thought I was ready to give myself to him, but he chose not to. I don't know if he knew, but it appeased me that he didn't. To think of it I'm not sure I'm ready yet. Instead we looked at the stars and I found one that was bright blueish green and I named it Chaynce. We fell asleep holding each other until the sun was starting to be high in the sky.

We made our way back to mistone and I'm back with him in a room at the scamp mug. I look at him and I find my self breathless at times. Like now... he's sleeping and he looks so peaceful. I don't really know how to explain it, but like I wrote before, when he holds me, it's like time stops. When he kisses me, I can feel a jolt of electricity run throughout my body. A touch of his finger tips is enough to send chills and give me goosebumps all over and how I can lose my self looking into his eyes. But foremost, it's how I feel at peace with him, how things, when we are just us, without thinking of what has happened, are simple. Of how I miss him when he's not there. How I feel more complete by him. It's not like I need him to be complete, but somehow he makes me feel even more complete, he doesn't try to do everything for me, but yet when he sees I need it, he's there and helps me out.

I only hope I make him as happy as he is making me happy.

*she closes her journal after blowing the ink dry and sets it back into her pack, then snuggles back with Chaynce, kisses him as he sleeps and rest her head on his chest*

[Hellblazer]

Dear journal,

I'm so happy, and Chaynce seems to be to. There is some pressure he feels from my family to keep me out of trouble, well as he says, not so much from them, but that he puts on himself for them. We talked about it and I hope he understands that I don't care what they might think or say about him, I would move out away into a far distant land if we needed to. That he has nothing to prove to them, as he has already proved himself to me. I just hope that he lets go of that pressure before it becomes to much for him, I don't want to lose him because of my family and all the uncles and aunt.

I love him so much, we were in the scamp mug inn not to long after the beach when I just new I was ready. He was a bit clumsy at first but after that it was .. hm. I don't know how to describe it, . Let's say that Chaynce felt tired  during the day and he had to go back to sleep.  Since then it's been better and better.

Oh and before I finish writing into you my diary, I'm still looking for a teacher. Grey eyes Hardragh doesn't want students, so I have to find someone else.

[Hellblazer]

My dear Journal,

So many things has happened in the last few months that my head still spin. I don't really know where to start, but I should start with my love. We have had our biggest challenge, It's not the right term, but its the one I see it as now. He was feeling trapped by my whole family, the size of it. He was feeling that he was with them not with me, and when I was forced to tell him something, something I would have told him when I was calmer, but forced by Elgon to talk to chaynce right away, I ask him and Ayana to be there.. because there is a bond between us that gives us strength.  Not the same kind of strength that Chaynce gives me, it's something else, and even if I love them, it is not as strong or as important as the one I need from Chaynce.  

Because of that he felt I did not need him and he left me one day in Fort Llast. If it wasn't for Chiara and Elgon, I would have jumped the cliff of west of black fort, but they stopped me. At first I was enraged at them, and the pain that I felt from Chaynce absence, of him never coming back, the whole he had left in me was unbearable. I didn't eat for days or sleep, all I could do was cry and wish for death.  Chiara came by a few times, she is becoming a very good friend, and she understood the pain I was going thought. Never the less it's actually my father who helped the most. When I saw him come in the house I was scared. I was sure he was gong to yell at me and go run after Chaynce. But he told me about his first wife, his first daughter and son. The pain that he felt when they were killed and his son Elyam, taken from him.  He explained to me that everything he had done to protect us, his children, our mother, our aunts and uncles, was because he didn't want to feel such a pain again. But he understood he had to let go of his worries and fears.  He never asked me once where Chaynce was, but his look suggested that he knew I knew. Instead all he did was to tell me that If I truly loved him, then I should tell them all to leave us in peace and to go and find him. That if I was happy, that was all that mattered to him. I was still to weak but with those words I started to eat more again and I slept the whole night.

The next morning I left with him staying by the house in case anyone would be coming by to check on me and reassure them that I was alright, but to give me peace. I went and found him and I did. The talk was hard I don't know why but I had started to stutter a few days after he had left me, the pain I imagine, tearing through my heart and soul. But we talked, and I asked him a chance to prove to him that I can be with him and not need them but him. And we came back home. I don't want to tell him of the cliff just yet, even if we made a pack of no secrecy between us. It's not that I don't want to tell him, but. more that I want things to settle down and us build our strength on some good times before I tell him that.

He's my breath, my air, the joy of my life. He moves me and is like my muse. I don't want to go through this again, I couldn't bare it. And I hope that they will just accept us for who we are, and how we are, and be happy for us this way without judging or interfering. This is what I want, what he wants. For us to live our life in peace, uncomplicated. Something I have not helped, but I can work on that.

I have also hear of a man who could possibly teach me to become a skald and I have contacted him today. His name is Jharl, with Flynn, I may be able to learn those skill fast. When I saw Hardragh use them against Gor'k and saw the power in them, I knew this is where I wanted my skills to go. It's very different from signing, more guttural one could say. But I know that with these, I could protect those I love. To be able to stop an enemy just by a shout.. it holds so many possibilities, so much power.

[merlin34baseball]

//OOC note: I have spoken with Hellblazer and have permission to post in his CDT once, as Chaynce was given her diary for a short time, this note was penned in after her last entry and before he returned it.//
 
 *written in her journal on the page after her last entry*
 
Sil,

I am sorry. There is no other way to put it. I am sorry that my mind conflicts with my heart. I am sorry for the pain we both feel.

I am just, sorry it all came to this.

Do know that I love you and always will. Do know that if you are ever in need, I will be there. Do know, that I will always miss you Sil.

Chaynce

[Hellblazer]

*she opens the journal to the last page with hand writing and sees the not left by Chaynce. Tears drops marks dries randomly over the journal as she writes in it*

He found out, someone told him what I had done.. he left me again t.this time I think it's for good. The pain he caused me makes me hate them all, they are all the same. I don't want to write or think about it, it's to painful.

I use this pain as my driving force now, all I can do is concentrate on mastering my shouts to cause back pain. . As much pain as I can. It will not even come close to the pain I feel, but this way I know I wont be the one suffering. In a way or the other, it doesn't change much, they would suffer by my sword any ways, but still to use what he thought as to be so wonderful, so beautiful to debilitate or even.. maybe kill.. It will server them all for the pain they cause us. I keep trying when ever a can to shout at them using what ever things I can come up with, but without success.

Unfortunatly alone I don't get anywhere. It seems I will need to study under Jharl in any case.. I wish I knew of a woman skald but I don't. I'll use him the same way they use us, and when I'm done. I will leave him like the old rag that they make us feel when they leave us. I must keep this silent though not tell Jharl this else I don't think he will teach me. But this male, has not even return my birds yet. Maybe I'll have to seduce him I don't know. But in the end, it's going to be for my greater good.

[Hellblazer]

*she sits by the pond in fort wayfare and looks at her journal, reading the note left by Chaynce there is no tears flowing this time.*

Has it been so long since I wrote in you dear journal?

It looks like it, maybe it's because I didn't want to read his note again, maybe it was because I didn't feel like writing what I felt. People were and still are worried about me, since Chaynce left me again. They're worried of where and how I place my anger, my pain. How I twisted it into hatred instead of being floored by it again. I don't think they understand and I don't really care if they do anymore.  What I know is that I don't think I will be leaving myself go for men anymore, and something Izzy said kinda struck a bit strange. I think before I would have reacted strongly to that, but with all that has happened to me lately, the pain they caused me, I don't find it strange, even maybe a bit curious. She told me that if men were not good enough, that there was women, but that was less fun but much more beautiful. I have to agree on the last part.

I don't know I have to say it's not something I had really thought about before, but I have to say that there is someone feel close to, more than just friends. I don't know.. I'll see, maybe that person wouldn't even want me anyways. But for now.. I need more time.

Something so bad happened, I can't get it out of my mind, I feel so much responsible.. I know it's my fault. My Aunt T.Tarianna *some tears drops falls on the page* SHe died b.because of me. The giants in the forest cave.. *the hand writings trails a little* They killed her, I couldn't do anything to help her. People said it wasn't my fault, but if I had not invited her to go.. she would be alive now. I couldn't stop crying for days after I brought her body to my father's guild hall. I don't know what to do or say so I'm keeping myself away so I wont fall on uncle Ben and his son.. I.. can't even bare it now.. I don't know how I would react if I had to face them, I bet they hate me...

In the mean time I have finally met with Jharl and we talked. He told me on how his ability were more inert as the abilities of my mother, that he didn't used to have those exactly, but one day through a hard time he discovered that he had new ones. It was when he was imprisoned with Princess Kayana and a few others that had tried to free her. I remember, I was really young, but I remember dad making some plans to free them on the execution day, but it never happened. He showed me his abilities and I have to say they are all that I expected. He has also told me that he would mentor me. I'm glad, and I didn't even have to seduce him, so that's already good. He gave me my first things to train, he wants me to go into the fray and fight in stance, wait a little and when I felt my emotions high enough to start to sing. He says it's to get used to be able to sing under combat and learn how to use your own fear against them. Since then I have been training that every day. It's not easy and I get hit a lot because I am not used of going straight in the middle of the pack, I usually take a few at a time, but I have to say its fun as hell. I just have to be patient because even if I try, I still can't use my voice to stun, deafen or kill them yet, but I know it will come. He said so himself, I have the will.

Well I got to go, more ogres to kill and train

[Hellblazer]

Somethings are hard to explain or even understand,

with the recent events that happened to me, i came to hate all men. Well not all, i still love my brothers and father and my uncle Lex'or. But as far as anyone else I am concern, they are all the same, and will all hurt us in the end. But what is a bit more surprising me is how I have started to realize is that the feeling of closeness I had was more and more feelings of being attracted to her. It hasn't been that long still, but it's there. I'm not the most subtle person and I think it rebuked her, she still loves her deceased ex but I can see that there is something there too. Before she left she said to give it time.

So to take my mind off of things I have plunged myself into hard an rigorous training. Every day I go out and train, then train more and even more, trying to project my voice like Jharl does, using my own emotion to try to stun them or fear them. I'm not getting much results yet, but I keep trying and trying, harder and harder. He wanted me to go in the middle of the fray and then sing, and this is what I have been doing. Not to say that the people I have been going to train with have been very happy to see me go, but this is what Jharl wanted me to do and so I am doing it.






Well more training awaits me I should go.

[Hellblazer]

I'm so confused,

I think most know I'm never one to build walls, shielding what I feel, but she is and I don't understand that. If she is attracted to me like it shows, why then does she pushes me away. I know she had a great love before that died and I can understand how it is hard on her, but there is so many things she could feel now, so many things to explore and live. I try very hard, like she said to give it time, but the more we go, the harder it is. There was this moment when we were walking toward Dalanthar, we lost ourselves in our gazes and ended up in an embrace were I was gently stroking her cheek, but then her necklace of sea shelves clang together and killed the moment. It's not that I'm pushing, well maybe a little... but not that time. I think it was wanted by both but she lives with the ghost of her past, much like my father lived with his before he met my mother. And then in Dalanthar there was a long moment where we just held each other, taking turn in signing, I still can close my eyes and feel the petals of the lily I gave her, gently brushing on my arm and cheek.  I just don't understand why she is cutting herself from one of the joy of life this way. Maybe she's right and I'm young.. I don't know.. I just know that it feels right, although I know many wont understand, but who cares.  The sings are there, she wants it too and she looks remorseful at times to, because of it. It makes me sad to see her torn like that. Maybe I should just leave her be.. I don't want to pain her.. but at the same time.. I don't know if I can.

To take my mind off of things, I keep training more than one time a day, I run in the mist of the battle like a drunk dwarf, then fight in stance until I feel the pressure of the situation against me. I pick strong foes too, getting hit a lot and hard. When it feels almost desperate like Jharl said, thats when I start to try and use my own fear against them. As of yet it doesn't work, I have neither been able to confuse them or fear them. Luckily they have not been able to get the best of me, even if at times it came really close. I think it's best I train alone for now, Chiara wouldn't understand and would worry senselessly so would my brothers and sisters. It's more dangerous that way to and it helps with the bringing the feeling of hopelessness like Jharl said I should look for, thats how he got his own powers, being afraid for his the fate of his friend and from the feeling of hopelessness he had when he was in the prison waiting to be executed.

So I keep at it, venting my frustrations of incomprehension on my foes, risking my life everyday trying to master the skald knowledge. An other good thing of training without Chiara beside she would worry a lot, is that she doesn't see me when I get home battered. Just the other day I broke two ribs and my forearm again. Luckily my healing spells have gotten better since the first time I broke it falling down that shaft. It still soar though but I keep going.

Tomorrow is an other day, more training and maybe I'll see Chiara.

[Hellblazer]

I met a new friend a few days ago,

She sweet and fun, an Ilsarian like my aunt Ranéwin and her name is Ysaline. She was delivering packages for Freya and was walking toward Krandor when I met her. It was pouring and we had stopped to talk to miss Lee, so you can understand Dear Diary that we were soak. After taking her on one of my training runs, we went back to my place where we talked and heated up and talked again. I even gave her one of my dresses because hers was to drench still. She's a bit flirty, it makes me giggle a bit. In anycase she's really fun to be with and I think wew will get along just fine.

My training are going on, I try to reproduce what Jharl was doing but progress is very slow, there is time though where I can feel it's almost that, and some times it's exactly that, but nothing happens, so I'm missing something here. I hope to see him soon, so we can talk more and he can show me more of how he does it.

Today though, we had a night out, me, Mel, my older sister Sarah, Izzy and Chiara. I was happy to see her, but somethings that Mel told me just didn't sit right. I'm afraid that she will get hurt, but also.. I'm afraid Elgy is goin to be even more sad. She said she told him that what she felt for him was friendship, but she didn't tell him of Tobias. I just hope that he will not get hurt to much by this. It happened so fast, and also even if I told her he was a charmer. I mean he tried to charm me while he was selling me a raffle ticket for the Leringuard arms inn. Who knows how many other women he woos  constantly. If it wasn't for Chaynce at the time, his charms might have worked even on me. She's my friend and I would want her to get hurt like I did. Tobias is a bit like Chaynce in some ways, free spirited, charming, funny, he makes you feel worthwhile, that your someone and all.  And well you and I, my aairy, knows where that led me.

On the other hand, when they were all talking about how Chiara looked and talked different, I decided to go pluck a giant by my self. It angered Chiara so much. At first I didn't really understand, but I think it's because she was afraid I would die, and by that it reminded her of Aylana. I'm really going to have a problem explaining to her how I have to train. It will worry her a lot. But on this trip.. not every thing was fun.. not at all.. My sister fell and I was so much angry, that after I killed the giant that felled her, I kept stabbing it with my sword. When we walked out of there with her body, I swore to them, I swore to any God, that I would not let that happen again. That one day my voice would be strong enough to kill them just by a shout. With that I sent a note to Jharl, asking him for more training to achieve my goal. I have to learn.. i just have to.

[Hellblazer]

Well my dear journal I had some sweet times and some bitter sweet.

Me and Chiara has been spending a lot of time together lately, and the more we do the more I grow fond of her. After the trip where my sister fell to the Giants, we headed to Dalanthar. It took us a few days to get there and throughout the trip it was an odd moment. There was this guy with us, I don't remember his name.. of no consequence, but he made me feel at odd. When he finally left us she could see something was on my mind, troubling me. She has this knack to get me to talk, and so I told her. I told her of my fathers story, of his first wife and twins. On how he lost them and how it he told me that it had nearly destroyed him, always drinking and all. And when he had gotten his memories back, it was even worse. But he had learned that to be fully happy with my mother, as he was while he didn't have his memories, he needed to learn to let go of Kendall, to be able to move forward, and not be hunted by her ghost all his life. And thats what I told her, I told her that her story and the story of my father were similar. I told her that she was keeping her self from being truly happy, by clinging on to her past and to Aylana.. her ghost. I had to tell her, it was eating me inside.. it still is. Then at one point as I was about to leave, Chiara gave me a desert rose. I kept looking at it, at the thorns and in my head, the beauty and the love that the rose represent is also guarded byt the thorns ready to sting and hurt. And that's... that's what there is between me and Chiara feels like. There is love, at least on my part... but it stings because Chiara keeps pushing away even though I can see there is something there too for me, from her. I asked her at one point what would happen if  someone wanted more than just friendship, felt more than just friendship.  Then it is more complicated she answered. I know she knows what it meant, but still she keeps away because of her ghost. As I was contemplating the rose, she surprised me by leaning in toward me, I looked up at her but then Mr jin came and Chiara startled and backed away. I know what she was about to do, but it takes only so little to push her back, that it hurts.  

And now today after an other trip of training with her and others, she tells me that she will be gone for weeks. She has to take some time away at a temple under the sea. Through the trip she forced her self to try and convince me and the others that she was alright, that the desert heat was not affecting her that much anymore. But i knew she was lying, and at one point she just broke down. She had even told me that if I went there she would go, bittersweetness, sounded like she was letting me know that she wanted to be with me, but then she adds that I am a good friend, stinging me again. But now she said she would follow me in the places that affects her greatly, but I can not even go to the places where she is at her best, because it would kill me. It's rather unfair truly.

as for my trips,

When my sister died, I was floored that I couldn't do anything to help her, and I vowed that it would never happen again. I had even written to Jharl asking him for more intense training, I have yet to receive word from that. But now when I see him I will be able to tell him a good news.  Today on a trip to the fog, with a few people and Chiara, before she told me she was leaving for weeks, I manage to get a reaction out of a bunch of Giants, using the technics Jharl taught me. It's not there yet, cause they didn't run in fear, which was what I was trying to do. But, it got them annoyed and angered enough that it kinda distracted them when they tried to fight us. The others were quite surprised too when they heard me. They told me afterward that my voice when I tried to fear the Giants, sounded really scary. So I am getting there, just need to keep at it. I know now that I will succeed.

Logs

[Hellblazer]

Dear Diary,

As I continue to walk in my life, I am finding that there is so many possibilities. Some of them are deep and strong, sometime a bit painful while others are filled with bliss, joy and pleasure. That's what I have right now with Chiara and most recently with Ysaline. Things has been crazy in that regards though, as I found that even Chiara felt attracted to me, she feels remorseful. But as I found a new friend with Ysaline, I also found a lot of passion and pleasure that I had never felt before, leaving me in total bliss. I don't know what to do, I don't know if I can wait for Chiara to decide herself, and even if I know that I do feel for her, there is a pull toward Ysaline, a very strong pull. Where one stands for commitment, and love of music. The other stands for beauty and Passion. And both are true to themselves. Why is love always so complicated to me?

 It's been two weeks now since Chiara left for the sea, to go to her temple, and a few days since Ysaline showed me so many wondrous things, I am still feeling the bliss of that, and I don't regret it at all. But I do feel a sting for Chiara. Ysaline asked me what I would do if tomorrow Chiara came back and told me she had made peace with the past and was now ready to move on, to start loving and living again. I honestly don't know what I would say, and the more I think about this, the more it is confusing.

Also I have found recently that I had new powers, that I had never tapped into and some that have went dormant for some reason. One of those powers, enable me to see through invisibility, the other surrounds me in a nimbus field that seems to aid in concealing me and also protects me from some spells. But the most important of them all, is that my voice is not only uplifting and strengthening my allies now, but it also affect and demoralize my enemies. I think this is the first step toward achieving my goal. And the more I train, the more I can feel it growing in me. I'm still waiting for Jharl to find me, he must be on a trip, but I know he will love this news.

[Hellblazer]

Dear Diary,

What can I say, I'm a hard person to follow and even to understand, even I don't understand myself. I miss Chiara so much, I often sit by the sea and sing, hoping she would hear and come back. However, The more time she is away, the more I spend with Ysaline and things get complicated. I don't regret what happened between me and her, but I do wish things where different. At times, I wish I had not met her, other I wish I had not met Chiara, so I would be free to be with Ysaline. I know it doesn't make sense but thats how I am, how I'm pinned on the top of a mountain, waiting for the wind to blow me over one side or the other. I want to give Chiara a chance, I really really do, we have many things in common, and I know that if she can put her grief aside, things could blossom into so much. Chiara please come back soon...

I've tried to keep myself away from trouble with Ysaline a bit, but it seems that we just can't stay away. It's not that I don't want to be with her or do things, it's just that.. It's so complicated .. And now Elgon and her... why.. why.. always so complicated. So I've been training like a mad woman, going after things always to hard for me, pushing my limits harder and harder and always coming on top. The only time I have fell was to some stupid spiders trying to collect silk in that cave. And then there is Chaynce stumbling on me.. after so many months of not even getting news from him, he stumbles on me and Ysaline having a long talk about love. At first I wasn't ready and i got scared and confused. But I took control over myself again and I think it kinda shocked them a bit when I slammed my fist on the ground, slamming that fear and emotions down with it. He left but came back later.. I think he was trying to see how I was.. maybe even talk, don't know what he would talk to me more about though.

I also was with a lot of people lately, listening to a strange bard and his tale about a dragon. Many other people were telling stories, some more interesting than others. But I was feeling uneasy with all the hooded people there. I guess I'm still a bit edgy about what happened to me.

At least the positive note is that Jharl really likes my progress, although he jokes a bit about me becoming a monk, because even unarmed I fight well. I had an other lesson with him the other day, and Ysaline came, she wanted to meet him and she was completely stunned when Jharl started to sing and I joined him with my pan flutes. It's really funny how our music can touch people. I guess that's why people love bards so much. But then as my lesson went on, she decided to leave... I found her with Ayana and Elgon later on.. so I guess that was why.

Jharl pushes me to take on new challenges, at that training it was now those crow people near lake Nox. Good thing that I had discovered new powers to see through the unseen, cause the little vermin's were using invisibility to try and sneak on me. He keep yelling in the back when I fight, "LOUDER, LOUDER" so I keep yelling and signing louder and louder. I had to drink a lot of lemon tea today to sooth my throat, but I know it's worth it. My voice is fine he says, it's only a matter of time, maybe one of those things that just clicks. At least, I feel my heart pumping faster now, when I go into those tough battles. I can feel the fear grow in me then I release it on the foes, but it hasn't work yet. But my progress is there, so I won't give up. After all I did manage to stun Izzy today, more like put her asleep, not what I really wanted to do, since I was trying to slow down Storold so we could tickle him. But, even if it's not what I wanted, it still shows that I'm starting to gain a bit more power in my chant and shouts. Jharl is also going to write me down the chant's and songs, so I can learn them myself that way. I can't wait to read them.

// The strange bard was from the starting quest of Orion.

Pics of training
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[Hellblazer]

Dear Diary,

Izzy was right, both hurts. And I can't keep doing this to myself. I don't know how it will end or stop for the future, but I know this. I'll wait sometime for her, if she doesn't come back or if nothing happens when she does, then I will simply move on. They say a bard can not write a true song until he has felt love and felt the hurt it can bring. Well my dear Diary, I have many times and the pain too.

I was sitting at the lake of Wayfare today, when I just couldn't stop writing, the music came too. It felt good to write finally something of myself, but it's so sad. I don't know exactly for who of the two I have written this, but it's where I am right now.

Sorrow came to visit me today
Was the longest day, was the loneliest day
Sorrow came to steal my hope away
Only tears can tell
Of this holy hour

This mountain’s high, too high for me
This mountain’s high, too high for me
Too high

Sorrow came quicker than a fire
Was the longest day, was the loneliest day
I feel your hand, the warmth, your sweetest smile
But you slipped away, through the great divide

This mountain’s high, too high for me
This mountain’s high, too high for me
This mountain’s high, too high for me
This mountain’s high, too high for me
Oh yeah
You know I'll make it

Your ways are high, too high for me
Your ways are too high, too high for me
Your ways are too high, too high for me
Your ways are too high, too high

Only you
only you
only you can pull me over it

Only you
only you
only you can pull me over it

Pull me, drag me, hold me, keep me, walk me while
you pull me over it
Take me, heal me, make me, break me, love me while
you pull me over it
Take me, heal me, make me, break me, love me while
you pull me over it

//slightly edited to fit the use of Sil'via, all credits to Delirious "mountains high" 2003

[Hellblazer]

Dear diary,

Well my dear, things have been quite moving. Here a few days before I was waiting on the top of a mountain for the wind to topple me in one direction or the others, and I found out Elgon and Ysaline are together.. It hurt me, but at the same time I had already made my mind on being with Chiara if she came back and wanted of me.  Here I was sitting by the water of the Stormcrest, singing for her, when all of a sudden comes a rose gently stroking my left cheek. I got startled at first but then When I turned to see who it was, I saw Chiara there standing behind me smiling softly to me. We hugged tight for a moment and then the most precious words I could have heard came out of her sweet mouth.

"How are you my nightingale?"

When she calls me that, I just melt. We stood there for a long time talking of what we had done, but the most important things was the she told me that she couldn't stay away anymore, that she couldn't deny what she was feeling. She had went to visit the mother of her past love, and she told me that she was of a great help.

"The ocean is deep and can hold many sorrows, but it can also hold many joys."

We've talk more about how we felt and how we wanted to give ouselves the chance to be together. I didn't hide the fact that I had been with Ysaline while she was gone, but my choice was to be with her. She was put off a little at first, but when she heard me tell her that it was her, she closed the gap. We kept talking of how things had moved, she told me of her visits with her mother under the sea.. oh how I would have loved to be with her. To explore the deepness of the sea, with her. Well we both knew that I couldn't go with her then and after some more time of us simply talking of us, she offered me a beautiful hair loom, made out of seashells that are arranged to looked like a flower in the middle. It's there that we kissed for the first time. She needs time to remember how things are, she has been closed of to love for thirteen years but I have all the time in the world now since we are together at last.

A few days later, dear diary, my wish was given to me. There was a call of her people for help, an army of dead pirates where raised by their nemesis of the sea, and they needed us to help them. With the magic of a pearl I was able to explore the deepness of the sea with my little angel fish. It was so wonderful.. well until we met with our foes and that I noticed I couldn't sing underwater or call any of my spells. At that point I got really nervous. But I kept going and soon after we were now in a cave. Oh did I let my voice go loud and clear. It seems that you can not make a zombie fear you, with voice only, but it didn't matter. I just let all my fears and all my rage course through every one of my shouts.

We managed to save a few sea elves from that beast, but in the process Thrith magic pearl was dispelled and he couldn't go back to the surface. Instead of waiting for us patiently to come back, he wanted to go and fight more of the zombies. But the rest of us had to go before we were all stuck there. Chiara went back to get him an other pearl and they came back safe and sound. Then he started to be a jerk again. He wanted to keep the evil dagger that was used to sacrificed some of the sea elf, instead of giving them to who it came right to have. She had paid us to do a job, she had lost some of her friends to that beast, and yet Trith was just a prick, egotistical and selfish. I told him what I thought, but he is so bull headed and daft that it didn't go through his mind. Maybe I should tell him, that I was the one who pleaded Chiara to hurry to get him the other pearl. Oh.. right there was this alter there, corathite in origin. Grenna and this man that I don't recall his name, blasted it. But then there was this evil looking cloud that just came out of it and went strait for him. It cursed him or something and Marcus had to relieve him from his pain, but it did something to Marcus too. You could see it right after, he wasn't feeling well at all.

In any case, a few days prior to that I was with Ysaline, which by the way, convinced me to sing at the four stars inn one day. At the stormcrest again. There was many people there that night, Miss Lee, Connor, my aunt Elohanna, Melissa who was drunk. I swear Tobias if a bad influence on her, she will end up getting hurt. And of course, Tobias, who had brought on us a curse now. Throughout the night we had to fight some shades.. blasted things again. And I was killed in the end. Poor Ysaline, I'm sure it got to her, but she was relieved when I was brought back to life. There again, I left my emotion flow through my shouts, trying to do what Jharl does. There is sometimes where I felt i was really really close. Just A bit more time as he says.

Well beside that, my sweet diary, I keep on training every day, waiting for Jharl to show up. I haven't seen him in months now. And also waiting to spend more time with my sweet Chiara.



//the quest was a quest run by Darkstorm. Link

the shades were an impromptu ran by Eorendil

Training pics:
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[Hellblazer]

Well my dear Diary I am so happy,

I was with my mentor and My aunt  Elohanna And Ferrit, going to see a big dragon called Emberblade when I finally was able to make someone scared with the power of my voice. The unfortunate thing is that the cult that I had overheard Dad and Mom talked about, had gotten there before. And the person I got to frighten was a dark elf. She was scared her mind off too, I was so happy though to have succeeded but a bit bummed out of not seeing my first real, big dragon. Wish Chiara had been there too, would have been the best that she could have seen me succeed. How ever now we are on our way to find the dragon (// the quest is time bubbled, when it is completed I will update this post)

Days past since and I have went to train. I think my best training was with my sisters. Only a shamed that I had to fall, then Sarah too. But at least we got to do something together, which we had not done in some time. And Ayana aka chipmunk, got what she needed for the captain of fort Vhel.

I miss Chiara.. I don't know where she is at the moment and it has been a while since I have seen her. I hope everything is alright



//occ info

Pics of her training:
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The quest is: In pursuit of Lady Emberblade ran by Eorendil
Logs of the quest