Journal of Alatriel

[Alatriel]

I should've just stopped while I was ahead.

I swear Raz could be Aeridin's poster child.

Aerimor was angry, but as always, he's still here.  Though I never thought he'd have such a mean streak in him to ask for what he said he wanted.  He wanted me to conceive.  He wants the child.  He wants to raise it as his own, and therefore I guess take what he feels is rightfully his.  I guess it's fair for him.  Me, I don't want the constant reminder, but I think Aerimor thinks that is just a bonus.  If I could keep any real food down I'd probably feel better, but I feel terrible.

After I told Raz what Aerimor's decision was, we went to a crypt with a bunch of others.  Raz said he wanted to kill things.  Instead, he died.  I saw the soul mother take care claim on him.

They all want me to feel something.  Something to fill in the empty shell.

Why does it have to be filled in with this?

[Alatriel]

I am ready to stay in the house forever after that trip...

I know that Sala healing me, restoring me and the baby was a good thing, but I think it might have given me a false sense of... something.  I don't think I've been so terrified for my life and the life of another since...

since I was trying to save Zain.


I felt like kicking myself all yesterday for even being talked into going.  "Oh, it'll be fine Miss Alatriel, it's not nearly as dangerous as the last place we went, you'll be just fine"  And then of course when we're on our way, but not yet there, Abiorn has to look at me and say "Are you sure you want to go?  Hmm... well just protect yourself, aye?"  No I wasn't sure I wanted to go!

And Ami... I think someone needs to sew that girl's mouth shut.  She got me in so much trouble for being seen with Raz.  And we weren't even doing anything wrong!  Aerimor's mad because he says I'm hiding things from him.  Well, maybe I am, but it's just to keep him from being mad, right?  I mean, what he doesn't know, can't hurt him right?  Sure... until Ami opens her big fat mouth!


*some indiscriminate elven curses scribbled*

I was pretty tired when we came back... and I swear... the more I hear people talk about how great dark elves are... they need to go to the deep and ask them to tea.  Then at least they'll shut up.  That's about the only good thing about that whole dang trip.  We got a lot of dark elves... LOTS of them... and I just hope they stay dead.

Oh... and I got a really nice bow, even if it's a longbow, and some mithril to eventually make some clothes with.

But I think I'll wait until I don't have to let them out all the time before I make those to fit me.  

All these alterations are expensive.

[Alatriel]

Ok... so, my house-bound-ness lasted all of about a week and a half and then I couldn't take it anymore.  No more deep... but the rift seems easy enough when I go with the Angels or if Sala goes along.  Apparently the baby and I still aren't all that healthy, but each time Sala heals us it seems to help at least for a few days.  I wonder sometimes if this baby was not supposed to make it.  Or maybe if the baby that I lost before could have made it had there been a cleric around keeping watch as Sala has been doing.  

I hate to admit it, but I've been having trouble dodging fire attacks.  I never used to have trouble with that, in fact I prided myself on being able to jump out of the way even when I only saw it coming at the last second.  I've gained so much weight!  I must weigh at least 10 stones heavier than before!  My clothes are starting to get tighter, and I wonder if I'll ever be able to move the same way as I could before ever again.  

I get out of breath a lot.  Some days are better than others, but on the long trips after a lot of running around I'm so tired, but... last time I complained about it Sala said I might have to stay home for a while until after the baby's born.  So maybe if I just quit telling her when I don't feel well she won't make me stay home... or around town.  Eh... she'd probably know anyways.  

I've been home the last few weeks.  Haven't been feeling all that well again.  Mostly just tired, and some soreness.  I figure maybe it's just better to stay around town for a while... so that I can go back out again the next time there is a journey planned.  I don't want to be left behind anymore.  But I do think if I do something to harm the baby....  alright, I think even that is beyond me.  I hope no one ever realizes that I thought about sacrificing it at one point to get rid of this shadow mark.  Ok... now I'm going to have to burn this page....

I don't want to now, but the shadows keep attacking and they're getting worse and more frequent.  If someone doesn't sacrifice someone soon they're going to get their sacrifice by force.  I don't want to be the one to lose someone.  I'm not the one that did anything wrong.  Figures other people go and do something stupid and crazy and I have to pay for it.  I would never betray a shadow... and especially not a shadow dragon.  Stupid crazy idiotic adventurers....

[Alatriel]

*handwriting is shaky*

The shadow attacks keep getting worse.  Aerimor says he's going to do something about it, make all of us draw straws.  and if I draw the short straw, he's going to take my place and be sacrificed instead.  I think he's an idiot.  I don't know that it would really work.  

I'm terrified though.  And I hate it when Jaelle is right.

According to her I need to hire someone capable to protect me.  I don't know anyone more capable than Aerimor, but he's not always around.  Other than that...  I don't know who.  But the one that attacked us in the troll caves was bad.  I think it almost killed Gala.  And the one that attacked me in the crafting halls... I'm afraid to go out in public without the aid of my own shadow defenses.  If Shadrixkayl figures that out and uses my shadows against me....

we're both dead.

[Alatriel]

No more adventuring for now.  I can't do it anymore.  

Except that I think my last option is to visit the Deepening Dark again.  If the journey doesn't kill us, perhaps I can find some way to get her to remove the mark.

I have to do something.

[Alatriel]

I got a message from Angela and Alantha and apparently they think they might have a possible other solution with another dragon.  I don't really have much option other than to hope that this will work.  So I will go.

[Alatriel]

*ink is dripped on the page as if the pen was held there for a long time without knowing what to write*

I.......

Aerimor and I are going to the Aeridinites.

If Aeridin really does protect life, then hopefully he'll protect this one.

//Alatriel is not really up to writing journals, at the moment, she is terrified, shaken, and weakened mentally from the attacks of the shadows.  After the last attack in Hempstead, she went into premature labor, which was able to be stopped by Sala.  Alatriel and Aerimor decided to take her to the Aeridinites in North Point in the hopes that they would be able to protect her, the baby, and the pregnancy, and defend against any further shadow attacks.  Waiting on confirmation to make sure that this is alright and that they will in fact help her to whatever means they can actually help either until the baby is born, until the pregnancy is in fact lost, or until the shadow mark is removed one way or another. (or a half a dozen other possible outcomes)

Alatriel is currently approximately 12.5 months pregnant, and if the gestation of an elf is 2 years, she still has a bit of time to go.

[Alatriel]

I think it's almost been a month here.  Or... has it been a month?  Steel came to visit me.  I'm not sure if I'm still angry with him, or not...  He actually tried to threaten me, at the same time he said he would help.  Once again Jaelle is being pulled into the situation.  Though, this time it's for her mentor.  According to Steel, Connor may be able to ward, or something, to help protect me from the attacks at least until we can get to see the Golden Emerald.  I told Steel that I'd talk to Connor, and accept whatever help he can offer, but I want the list of everyone that was on that trip.  Everyone who was marked.  If he can't fix this, or if the Emerald won't help us... I want a back up plan.  And if I have to get the list myself, I don't care what threats he plans on throwing at me, I will do what is necessary to protect my family.  As I have always done.  If I have to kill someone for each of my children to live, I'd do it again and again to ensure their safety.  If the Golden Emerald won't help, Fisterion will have his sacrifice.  I'll find someone.

[Alatriel]

Ben actually came to visit me.  I'm kind of shocked.  He said he thought I should keep practicing with my rapier, even if I'm off balance.  So we did a few drills.  He wouldn't take a blade out so that he wouldn't have to worry about accidentally stabbing me in the wrong place.  He hit me decently hard once or twice, but a small bruise on the arm is easy to heal, and it's better incentive to learn to block better, and keep myself alert at all times.  After we did that for a while, he made me work on some sewing work.  Even though Aerimor said I didn't have to sew anymore after I finished the baby blanket.  Oh well.  I suppose it's better than doing nothing.  It keeps my mind a bit occupied honestly. I remember now why I started gemcrafting to begin with.  It was something to pass the time while things were bad with Zain.  But at least then I didn't keep getting attacked while I was in the crafting halls.  I haven't heard anything from Connor, so maybe he didn't get the bird, or maybe he can't or won't help.  I still have other options.  I'm not finished fighting yet.

[Alatriel]

Meralae Lightbringer.  Born Augra 5th, 1444.

I have a daughter.

Not an adopted member of my family.  My own flesh and blood.  I love Zain... I love Elly and her children.  But this is different.  I never imagined the difference... the bond... the way I feel when I look at her.  It's almost hard to describe.  I love her so much it hurts.  Like my heart would explode if it tried to feel more.  When she looks at me with those bright gold eyes of hers... it's almost as if I can feel that she loves me too.  Maybe I'm just imagining it.  I'm sure someone will probably tell me that there is no way she could feel like that just yet, and really she only loves me because I feed her and change her and hold her and such... but somehow, knowing that she is my daughter.... it makes all of that worth while.  For the first time in a long time, I feel at peace.  Sure, I'm exhausted most of the time, but it's different.  Aerimor seems to forget most of the time that she is not his daughter by blood and treats her with all the love and care as if she were in truth his.  Meralae is a lucky girl.  She has two fathers that are absolutely in love with her.  

And after finally having a member of my own family... I met someone to remind me of my past.  A wildelf named Suriel.  Her tribe comes from the northern woods of Mistone.  The same as mine.  I talked to her a bit.  Asked her about her tribe, since mine are all gone... as far as I know.  But the strange part about it... Her hair was red.  Not the same as mine... mine's still browner than hers, but still... as far as I know, red hair isn't all that common.  Suriel mentioned the same.  She said she'd talk to her grandmother I think, about any stories she may know about what happened to my tribe.  I don't know if I will ever talk to her again.... but I hope so.  Maybe just as my future starts to open up with my new family, my children, my loved ones... maybe I'll learn what really happened to my past.  Then this peace... maybe it can stick around.

[Alatriel]

Mera is now a year and a half old... apparently I don't have much time to write in this dusty thing anymore...

And I had a very odd conversation with Steel.

Honestly, I think I'm more confused now than before.  He threatened to lock me up and steal my daughter before she was even born... and yet he keeps trying to justify his reasoning, regardless... and I'm still angry.

He said some stuff about how there were some people who are shields and protectors and some people are blades.  And he said that I was a blade.  Stupid Steel... I'm an archer.  But yeah, I got his meaning anyways.

He gave me this speech about the things that a blade would do, and what it takes and tried to butter me up saying he saw that I had the strength to do it.   I dunno...  He handed me a scroll that he called "The Axioms"

I must've read over that scroll now about a hundred times.

There are parts here that kind of stab at me.  But there is nothing here I disagree with.  Not one single word.

Is that really what I am?  A killer?

[Alatriel]

Well I had another long talk with Steel.  After reading the Axioms I had a few questions, but mostly there were just things that I needed to talk over with him.  At first I thought maybe Aerimor wouldn't approve of me being a "killer" but now, and as I think about it more, maybe he wouldn't really care so much.  I mean, I'd be killing for the greater good right?  Someone's gotta do it.  

One thing that Steel did say, that kind of helps everything else, is that I can't protect, and kill, at the same time.  That if my enemy kills people because I haven't killed him yet, those deaths are not my fault.  They're the fault of my enemy.  I can't protect the people that have died, I can only stop the enemy from killing more people.  But I'm no good dead.  So... I gather information, I bide my time.  I strike when I'm ready.  I can do that.

He showed me a statue of a guy that was the one who wrote the Axioms.  Apparently he holds the guy's sword in really high esteem.  He told me what the sword supposedly did, but I still say it's just a sword.  It's not doing anyone any good by being held by a statue.  If it's that great of a sword it should be put to use instead of gathering dust.  Not to mention is a really ugly sword to begin with.  But it makes sense now on Steel's whole "may the wicked's crooked edge be with you" thing.  Since...the sword is called Wicked.  Whatever.  If he wants to worship a silly sword, that's his business.  But in the meantime, he said that he could train me to be a better fighter.  I've been trying to fight using my Shadow to distract my enemies so that I can hit them in those critical areas without them blocking my attacks.  It helps, but even though my shadow has grown in strength as I have grown in knowledge of the shadows, it still has its weaknesses.

Even in knowing that I'm a killer... I don't care what Steel says, I will always protect my family.  He says that people will hate me for the things that I have to do.  But i'm trying to think of things in terms of who is my enemy, and who I just don't like.  When it comes down to that... I don't have that many enemies.  Things are simpler.  I can focus on one at a time.  Maybe Mera will hate me some day for things that I might do.  But if I can kill, so that she will be safer, then I'm protecting her.  

I've felt so guilty for so long over what I did to Harrigan.  I know now that it wasn't that I killed him and that he was innocent.  Yes, he protected Zain, and kept him alive.  But my enemy was the monster inside of Zain, and that was who I had to kill.  Harrigan's enemy was the Prime, but mine was the werewolf blood that was killing my son.  I did what I had to do to kill my enemy.  I succeeded.  Harrigan failed in killing his enemy because he did not withdraw in the face of defeat.  I grieved for him long enough.  It's time to move on.

[Alatriel]

Well Jaelle and I finally got our girls together.  Mera seemed interested in everything, as usual.  I think she might start crawling soon.  She really does love to blow spit bubbles at people and she's taken to rolling around to get where she wants to go.  Aislin seemed a bit... distant.  But that seems to be normal to her.  I think Mera will be bigger than her in no time.  Other than that, I didn't really expect too much I guess.  Plenarius came over and joined us, and after listening to Jaelle and I talk for a while about things he probably didn't understand a whole lot of, he decided to tell us a story.  I still think he had some sort of hidden meaning he was trying to get across in the story, but heck if I know what it was.  He said it was just a story he remembered recently and felt like sharing it.

Oh... And a different time I was talking to Plen, he said something to me, kind of like a confession.  Why he would say something to me that was so personal I have no idea.  I barely know the guy.  He is kind of an odd sort though.

Been working on fighting smarter.  I dunno if it is helping at all.  Apparently the bandits in Sharawood have gotten ticked that we keep coming back and killing them over and over again since they killed me and let the soul wench take her toll.  Well... I dunno exactly what happened, but it didn't help anything.  I died again.  I still have absolutely no idea what happened.  I was there, and then I was just... not.  and then I was there again.

I dunno what it was, but I don't want it to happen again.