Razeriem-Yet to be named.

[Aerimor]

Promise

I met with Ami today and a few friends.  Aeronn, Daniella, Marec and Lairillia at the Vehl Arena.  I got the chance to show Ami what I learned or at least some of it.  I took parry practice with her and did alright I guess.  She was really on fire tonight.  And looked twice as good as that even.  And then we dueled.  I danced around her a good deal and when I felt my advantage I snaked in for the quick strike and knocked her down and got in a few quick strikes.  Once she got back up, thing became horrible one sided against me.  Guess that is why she is the teacher yet.  I got in a well timed shot and a lucky one to boot.  But alas she still had more then enough stamina to lay me out.  

But I did win her admiration for the work I have put in.  She said there was obvious improvment and one day I might make it as a Duelist.  For now she says I have shown enough that she thinks I just might make it long enough to say further studies.

I swear if Calvin gets lost at sea or the like, I am going to let Ami know just what I think of her.  Watching her duel some of the others later, really flamed my heart.  With all this ..... stuff going on with Jaelle.  It really makes me appreciate her all the more.  Alas the fates are cruel and she is in love with another.  And I must say he seems to be a good guy.  Kind of pitiful, but a good guy.

Well we all indulged in duels afterwards.  Don't think I won a single duel, but I didnt get to use my magics either.  As much gains as I have made, I still have much much more to do.  I feel like going for a walk and jus tenjoying the night sky.  I will write more later.

~Razeriem

[Aerimor]

I was in town the other night just being spiteful to the world.  I now my child is due any time now.  And when i was headed into the bank I ran into Ophelia and her friend.  The friend is was unknown to me a beautiful red head with pouty lips and a silken voice.  She is a looker and she appearently had eyes for me.  She plaied her charms, the licking of lips, playing with her hair, batting of lashes.  I was not so sure she was not the most attractive lady of coin I had yet met.  Either way, feeling down as I was, I figured it was a good investment.  Wether it was time or coin.  Tod happened by right then and Ophelia made it clear she had interest in him so I invited him along.

Tod sure does nto have any conifence with women, I think he was shaking in his boots.  I had a little pep talk with him and he said he wouldn't know what to do with Ophelia.  So I assured him he would not have to do anything, she'd take care of him.  And I told him Ophelia would take it easy on him...make it easy on him.  So Tod agreed to a double date and the four of us headed for Leringard.  

On the ride over I found out Kali was the owner of the card emporium I frequent and the attached Inn and Arms. No lady of the coin indeed.  I had this feeling I was in trouble again.  Why would a lady with this much going for her be so straightforward and take charge with me?  I mena I am use to women telling me what they want in no uncertain terms but Kali could have her pick, she did not need to be so blatant.  I kinda figured it out at that point, that she is a Misty, but I refused to admit it.  It felt good to have someone showing interest in me without me chasing her down for a change.  So I didn't think it over too much.

We arrived at Leringard...except for Tod, he bailed out while loading.  I even gave him an apple pie for stamina and courage.

Once to Leringard we went to Kali's Inn and had drinks...just chery juice for me.  We talked a bit and Kali offerd to read my cards for me.  I had not had that trick performed since I was a child...it sounded like fun.

Kali's divination magic's are strong.  I cannot figure out how she or the cards could knwo so much about a stranger.  But according to her reading the cards said I was in route for a major change in life and a rebirth of sorts or somethign like that.  I just remember she knew about my troubles with Jaelle and the child, and then predicted a new begining.  I hoped this meant one of my desperate plans would pan out.  I will speak of them in another entry...maybe.   I am not proud of considering them.  Any the coupe de grace was she was able to name my hurdle, my trouble, the thing causing me such stress.  I do not know how cards can do such a thing, but she provided the name Jaelle.  As I said her divination magics are very powerful.

I was in a fog the rest of the evening.  I know we flirted.....a lot, I was very taken by her at this time.   The rest of the evening was pleasant but I do not remember much.  I did finally get her name at this point, Kali.  The person Jaelle asked me not to have relations with.  The only person Jaelle asked me not to have relations with.  This thought would grow with me after I parted with Kali.  I was and am very tempted to make a real play for Kali just to spite Jaelle.  It is only fair afterall?   Jaelle broke the only promise she made me that was worth having?  I did feel a reluctance from Kali to comment on all the flirting she did, but I still think I could bend her will with a few strategic kisses.  Btu the evening was called done before I had to choose and I was left with too much to think about.

First instinct are that Kali can be a major ally, possibly a friend as we both share many feeling on Jaelle.  It was like Kali is just what I needed when I needed it.  I hae noone I can talk to about my true woes right now.  I share much with Ayana, but its like I am telling a story as opposed to sharing with a friend for counsel.  I think she is just ill at ease with the whole ordeal.

~Raz

[Aerimor]

*this page has been ripped out and burnt since its penning. //left her for character insight.*

I know my child might be born already or at least is due at any time.  I am very distraught.  I have no faith in Jaelle at all to do what is best for the child.  I am still afraid she will see it as a failure to her abilities and thus exile it form her care so she will not have to be reminded of her failings.  problem being is that if it is female I think she is half likely to give it to Laa'ra.  Jaelle claimed Laa'ra is reformed and no longer a vampire.  But I can not believe such words after to blantant of a reversal on a promise.  I have to believe she says what is convientant not what is true.

I hurt beyond reason when I consider my little girl being raised by an evil creature like Laa'ra.  Not to mention she seems to be very in protective of Jaelle.  Jaelle admitted that Laa'ra woudl kill me for the pain I caused her, as Jaelle would have to do is not speak against the action.  Just what I want raising my child, a blood thirsty psychopathic killer!

I know I can not steal the child from Jaelle, she is too powerful for me.  The only good that could come from it would be my death in attempt to take care of my child.  But ultimately I would then be abadoning my child altogether.  

So I wracked my head for ideas and the only one I can come up with that sounds plausible sounds horrible.  I think if I offered to get Jaelle for Anne, Anne would let me take my child.  As long as I do not have to watch it happen I think I could live with it.  And if I were lucky Laa'ra would attack the Toranite church where Anne was and they could end the threat that is Laa'ra.  And since the Toranites would know what they are getting into I would need feel no guilt for any losses.  And then finally, maybe my child could find peace.  I of course will have to leave Mistone and seek a mage capable of cloaking the two of us.  I hope I have enough coin.  I will think this over for the night and see if my will holds or if I chicken out of such a distasteful thought.

~R

[Aerimor]

*This entry has been torn out and burnt since pening. //entry left for character insight.*


Well I joined a group that ..well to the point of the matter.  There were demons, demonic spiders, very powerful Gnolls, visits to the soul mother and lots of death.  AND Jaelle never turned home for saftey, she drug our child through all of this taint and death for herown desires.  I decides I can not hold out any hope that Jaelle will do what is right for out child so....

I spoke with Anne, she says she will honor the plan as I layed it forth with one exception.  I curse myself for not thinking of this simple thing.  Anne said she refused to take the child form Jaelle before its birth but would keep Jaelle in custody until its birth and then hand the child over to me.  

But I had to deliver Jaelle to a sot by herself or with Laa'ra.  At most Jaelle and one other person.  I have been trying to get in touch with Jaelle since then and we exchanged falcons, and I know this plan was dead before it truely began.  Jaelle curses me and would not see me for all the gold in the world.  

So I sold my morales for nothign but a pipe dream.  I feel more desperate than ever before now.  I must do something....anything to help my child.  I'd sell my soul to a devil for my child's health and freedom.  Problem being I know no devils.

I will keep my mind open to any chances that fall my way.  I will have to be ready to move quickly if a chance presents itself.

I think I may confide in Kali enough to see if she has any contacts or ideas I may use.  I think she dislikes Jaelle enough that I could trust her in this.  Oh, and I was right, she is a Misty.  I guess that explains why she was so interested in me.  Mist must've decided to throw her at me as well.  I swear I do not understand in infatuation Mist has with me.  When this is all over, I will have to figure out what I know and what to do about it.

I just have too much to worry about now to waste effort on Mist.  But for now I'll hope Kali's oposition to Jaelle keeps her perdictable enough to be helpful.  And yes even knowing that she is a Misty, I still like Kali and think or hope she is a good person.

~Raz

[Aerimor]

Desperation builds.  I know my plan with Anne will most likely never have a chance to succeed and I am at ropes end.  I will take the only chance I can think of to still take action and try to make things better for my child.  I can't say I'd choose it under normal circumstances.  But as I have witnessed, Jaelle can not be trusted to look after our child.

~R

[Aerimor]

I met with Kali again.  I tried to increase whatver bond we do have together by letting her know I'd be open to the idea of betraying my promise to Jaelle if she'd help me, or more importantly help my child.  She was strangly distant this time.  She still flirted but it was like she was activly restraining herself from my advances.  For whatever reason, she now likes I am dangerous to her.  Heck maybe I am.

So I told her my desperate plan, if she can help me or if I succeed in getting my child away from Jaelle.  I want her and hers to raise it if they think they could keep it out of sight of Jaelle and whatever magics she'd employ.  I figured that Kali would jump at the chance to deliver this blow of blow to her rival.  But she met it with almost fear.  She asked me many serious question, which I answered.  Mainly the whys.  I told her some chance is better than the odds I saw with Jaelle.  That Jaelle was wreckless.  I also told her a condition was that I still spoke for the child and was granted access to see it whenever I desired.

I do not remember most of the rest of the conversation.  I know I moved out of the room in her Inns and Arms I had just recently rented.  I did not want to be seen associating withher any more than needed.

I feel like a mad man.  In the end she said she'd get back to me.

~R

[Aerimor]

So I had my third meetign with Kali.

She said she'd help me find a place for the child to be cared for, but she doubted it would be under her roof.  If it was a very temporary thing, she'd see to its immediate safety and then move it when possible.  She listed 3 or 4 possibilities, I knew nothing about any of them except she thought they would work.  

I said I would take her up if the fates say to delivering my child to me.  But I also confided that I doubt that would happen now.  I believe Jaelle has went into hiding or a safe house.  I doubt I will see her again until after the child is born or destroyed.

I spent the evening talking with Kali, just glad to have someone to talk to.  I feel very alone.  I am beging to look on my life with new eyes.  I think I only have three I could call friend and that is if I trust Kali to be named one.  And truth is I do not know her well, but I need to trust someone.  Alatriel is the second and she is as overwhlemed with her troubles as i am with mine.  Ayana is the third, but we are working out what we are and are not.  And I just would not burden her with all of the detials and depths I am in.  The only other I may call friend is Ami, but I believe ...I don't know.  But we have forced seperation so I do not know what we are.

Point being I have put so much hope and blind faith in Kali because she knows Jaelle and is willing to listen.  Her silky voice and easy smile helps me from feeling insane or completly helpless.  

But at nights when left alone, I am all put paralyzed with the fear for my child and my inability to do anything to help it.  I have to find some way that to help my child.  I must find some way to live up to my word.

~Raz.

[Aerimor]

Kali took me out for a boat ride yesterday.  Said she wanted to show my the glory of the sea and Mist's softer side.  So she arranged out passage on a mid sized sailing boat and we departed.  She cut quite the figure on the deck.  The things I would like to do to the elf.  Good thing she is keeping a wall between us in that regard of my promise would not be a thought in my head.

We were out for 40 minutes or so when the skies started to darken.  I got an immediatly bad feeling but noone paid in any attention for the first few minutes.  And then the storm came on with ublelievabel speed and caught us before we could get back to land.  The speed gave it a run, trying to outrace it back to Vehl.  The unity of the crew and the way they all work tgether is somethign to see.  And Kali did more than cut a figure, she looked like she belonged on a ship, must be that Misty thing.  She helped tie some lines and release other, sung songs to boost moral and speed things along.

But in the end, the storm caught us just off the coast.  I do not remember much in the chaos but I know it didn't take long.  I remember the horrible sound of the boat main post thingy that holds the sail snapping.  i remember waves taking a few crew men over the side and the ship taking on large amounts of water.  I was told to go below, but I oddly felt I had to look into this face of Mist.  So I stood on deck holding onto a cargo net with all my strength against the rocking, against the winds and against the chaos.


We must of been in sight of land if not for the storm because despite the crews heroic efforts, the ship hit something and they said the bottom of the ship had split and she was lost.  That is was every man for them self.  I lost track of Kali and I did know I was on my own.  The ship went down so fast, but with everyone else goign overboard, I followed suit.  I saw two men be pulled under and there was nothign I could do.  And then I remember seeign what I thought was land.  Then the waves put me near another of the crew men and we both fought to just stay afloat.  I knew his strength was failing him and my was exhausting even with my magic rings.  But i could not watch another die so I grabbed the neck of his shirt and we just managed to stay sbove water.  He said the tide woudl see us ashore if we coudl just stay afloat.  I remember actually seeing the land in the not too far distance and then...  we passed through a bunch of rocks right off the coast.  Or rather I guess I did.  One wave threw us both into a rock.  I remember the sailor I was helping hitting the rock and the snapping of bone.  I know he was caught between myself and the rock and took the brunt of the force.  But even with that said, I had the wind knocked out of me and ... I remember no more.

I was woken up, on shore, some time later by Kali and her healing magic.  I do not think she said but one word to me, Sorry.  And left, I believe to look for other survivors to help.  I staggered the shore for hours.  i found two bodies and one other surviver that got himself to shore.  The survivor and I staggered back to town and parted.  I never did find out what happened to the man I tried to help make it to shore, but I know in my heart he did not make it.

The softer side of Mist eh?  I am not impressed.  A whole crew destroyed, why?  Because Kali decided we two should take their vessel?  Its so unfair.  I hate you Mist, it makes no sense.  I know this only happened because i was on the vessel.  But why? I do not understadn the message.  You let me live, so it wasn't to kill me or warn me off of Jaelle and my child.

Nevermind, I have enough real worries to contend to without trying to figure out your motivations!  If you want to send me a message try a falcon, or better yet, why don't you just have Kali tell me in person.  I can be dense on occasions.

~R

[Aerimor]

I ran into Ayana and she helped me gather a few things for Elohanna.  Elohanna is making me a few scrolls at my request and payment.

I had a great time with Ayana.  If I make it through this ordeal, I may seriously think about us becoming more.  I think she could do better, but if I end up with my chidl by some miracle and I am not on the run.  I think she could be a good influence for a child, even if she shares blood with Elgon.  I can not say I feel that serious about her, but I have been awefully overwhelmed since I have known her.  I can't say I know how I truely feel about anything.  I will jsut say I like her a lot, I consider her a friend, and she is easy on the eyes.

At the end of our little trip we met with Ben Poetr who played protective uncle for her and tried to scare me straight.  I do liek the grumpy old human.  I played my part and said I'd behave myself.

When we were pickign up the parchament for Ben in the crafting hall Ayana's old friend Dradnats arrived and reunited with Ayana.  I could not of been happier for her.  I knwo she needs the friend.  And they had a past together, as friends.  So they already had that bond to work with.

I took my leave shortly there after and actual smiled for Ayana.  I wish i had a friend to return to me and help me through my trials.

~R

[Aerimor]

My child has to be coming any day now, if it has not already.

I ran into Dradnats and Ayana again.  They are engaged.  Ayana never even mentioned a word to me....  Guess maybe I was seeing things that were nto there.  I can not believe that she didn't tell me before she agreed.  OR in person before I ran into the two of them in town.  I could really of reacted bad to it, couldn't I?  I guess not, I can not say I am anythign but happy for them both.  Dradnats seems a real decent fellow for Xeenite.  Adn if it makes Ayana happy, then one less tie I have to this world if things should go sour.
I spke with them both for a while and gave Dradnats the third degree. He does seem a good guy.  I asked Ayana for a godo bye kiss.  I figured with her love being true to Dradnats, out kiss would not ring with true emtotion and she'd see she did choose correctly.  Drad said he did not mind.  But Ayana could not bring herself to it.  So we hugged, i wished her well and I went off to kill things.

I have been doign a lot of killing things.  Noone was at the Inn and Arms.  And I have not seen Alatriel, so I am alone with noone to confide in. The not knowing my child is alright is killign me inside.

~R

[Aerimor]

Dated Ocular 27th.

Deal with the Devil

Yesterday was life changing and I can only hope in a good way.

I had this unnatural feeling that my child was on its way in the next few days, Mist no doubt demanding my attention. Anyway with this overwhelming feeling that something bad was going to take place and not a friend in sight. I looked for any of my friends and not a one was around! Left alone with this horrible and hollow feeling, I went back to one of my oldest friends.  I tried to drink my fears away.  Before too long in my innebratied state, I decided I needed holy water and went to find Daniella.  I could find her no where and eventually went to the crypts of Vehl to look for her.

As I passed the crossed roads guess who I found?! Kali...and Alatriel. They were convientantly in my path, almost as someone or something set them there for me to find. Kali was reading cards for Alatriel. I did not even know the two knew each other. So after they realised I was not walking straight they stopped me and asked me my troubles. Kali then removed the effects of the alcohol and I think that might of did more harm than good. Too much brain power turned on too fast. I told them something bad was going down and I did not like it one bit.

Kali said she felt something as well and pulled one of her damned prophetic cards form her deck. The water elemental, symbol of Mist she said. Great just what I needed, Mist showing her face when everythign looked its bleakest. Something about that picture on that card, immediatly I knew my child and possibly its life was at stake.  I spoke my fears to Kali and Alatriel and told them my child was in danger, and Mist had yet another hand in it.  

Kali told me that is how she was converted to Mist, that Mist held her child as a bargaining chip.  She said that she made her vows to Mist and converted and her child has been healthy and free of Mist ever since. It was so clear to me then what everything was about, ever since I stepped foot on her cursed island.  Mist had been smitten with me since that day, probably because I spoke on her holy ground how I had no place in my life for the gods and just wanted to be left.  Why must virtually every female make demands on me?  I am becoming seriously bitter.  I am not sure I can consider myself with more than a friend or two any more.  I wonder if that was my doing or Hers?

In any case, I think Mist decided that day to form this very event to occur.  I think she called up a storm when Jaelle and I crossed back to Lerginard.  A storm thet threw us together and lead to the night of conception.  I think Mist further played chaos bringer and caused Jaelle protections to fail and thus her to become pregnant.  I think Mist realized I have no stronger bond in life than to my child and now children and she knew it worked before on Kali and would work again on the elf that dared walk on her island and thumb his nose at her.

I think back now to all of the events small and large that lead me to here, and it had to be devine influence noone is that unlucky.  It would be like rolling fifty twenty sided dice and never rolling above a 6.  No, noone is that unlucky, Mist had her sights set and planned from the begining.  Everytime it looked like I would bond with Jaelle and possibly convince her to give us a real chance.  Mist would enter with one of her faithful thrown at my feet and within days Jaelle would miraculously find out and be outraged, even if it ws her ide ain the begning.  And everytime, I would almost completly break with Jaelle and consider it over before it began.  Enter Mist with a calm and unforgetable day on the ocean.  The subtle signs were there too.  When did the merchant have only lightning enchantment in stock when I went shopping?  Why did Elohanna make an all blue outfit for me when she had the entire color spectrum available? Why did one of her faithful show up whenever I need a shove in the right direction.  Why did Kali show up, when I was on the verge of doing something drastic?  Obviously to calm me and once again shove me onto the path of Mist's choosing.

Well it all worked, there I was, Mist's pawn Kali clearly telling me that if I swore to Mist, my child would live and be free.  I was left with no choice, no father would be.  So I made quick travel to Mist's temple to have it out with her, one way or the other.  Obviously my child could wait no longer and even as dense as I am she finally got her message across loud and clear.  Besides, Mist kept her deal with Kali: Kali says her child is healthy and well.  I have to believe she will keep a second bargain with me.

The part I had and have to figure out is what she expects from me in exchange.  She has to knwo I can not be one of her faithful, I doubt I could even be a worshiper.  I have no doubts in her power, but I can not surrender free will even if I tried.  It would have to be torn from me.

I made my voyage to Mist's island arriving at the birth of the new day on Occular 26th. I yelled at Nelle and told her to bring her mistress so I could speak to her. As usual Nelle chuckled at my stupidity and guestured to the sea. She said if I had something to say, go say it. I swear all Misties sound alike.

With my fate already set I rowed out into the upcoming storm.   I had a child to save and a price to pay.  When I got close enough, I started cursing Mist's name and the storm picked up. I obviously had her attention.  I then growled at my displeasure of the whole arrangment, of using a child and demanded my child's release. Not surprisngly, the storm went quite and unresponsive.

There it was laid before me, asking and demanding was not going to accomplish anything. She wanted something in return.  I did what I swore I would do, I did whatever it took to  save my child. I sold my soul to the devil, I made a deal with Mist.

I stood with all of my rage on the bow of the tiny boat and told her my demands to any forthcoming bargain. I made three of them. Maybe I should of asked for more or different, but its hard to think when your blood is pumping.  But I know she was listening because the storms immediatly picked up and tossed me around. As I made each condition the boat got tossed, as if she were nodding in agreement to anticipated concerns.  At least I believe.
The storm held in force for a long while as if waiting.  So I spoke words I do not even understand what mean.  I still do not know what I have agreed to or the conditions they set on me.  I yelled in outrage that I would be hers.  That I would be her plaything if it amused her.  I swore I would go where she sent me and do as commanded.  I told her I'd never hurt an innocent for her, and that I would not preach her word.  But if I was called on to spread chaos or whatever the hell she demands of her faithful I would.  Or I would as long as she upheld the demands I made upon her.

Immediately after speaking my words I was thrown hard into the boat, once again I tell myself that was her accepting the terms, but reminding me of her wrath. I lashed out at her at that moment, making it known I would be in charge of my affairs and she would be happy when I had time to see to her affairs.  I called her the wench of the sea for what she did to Jaelle, myself and our child. This was too much it appears, for immediatly a bolt of lightning struck the boat next to me sending a spray of splinters into my body. The boat all but vaporized and I was sent into her waters for a more personal conversation.

I fought as hard as I could be in all of the rage and and power, and she wore me out and in place.   She obviously wanted it known who would be calling the shots. When I lost the will or ability to stay afloat, I saw the heart of Mist. I really did make a deal with the devil. As I was pulled under and my air ran out, I found the only solace I could. I agreed to be hers, that she calls the shots, and to answer when called upon.  But I never swore to be her faithful, I never swore to devote to her alone, I swore I would not hurt good people or try to yoke them to her influence. I will not surrender my free will. And I never promised I would not try to cause chaos to her own followers, to spread her ways in the heart of her own.

She has to know I know virtually nothign of her doctrine or friends and allies.  I asked Kali to teach me what she knew.  I will do as I bargained, but it may be a slow learning curve, she will just have to be patient.

And it may all be for not, if she does not hold her end of the bargain.  One year passes all too quickly.

The only good thing I can say for sure happened out of last night is that I do feel confident that when my child is born it will be healthy and it will not be given to Laa'ra to be raised. I also know Jaelle will not die in labor.

I just have to hope Mist will see to the other two clauses of our deal. I have to have something to hope in, something to believe in. I need my child healthy and happy or I am truely a ship lost at sea. Gods did I use a sailing refrence, I should be put out of my misery for that.




~Razeriem

//These are the events as Raz viewed and heard them, not what was actually said.  For instance Kali said something about her child and converting to Mist and Raz rolled a couple wis rolls of two and three and ran off with his own 'understandings'  Kali just failed to correct him.//

[Aerimor]

I ran into Dradnats again and he asked for a few moments of my time.  When I asked what was goign on, he suprised me and asked me to be his best man.

Gut reaction was happiness and I accepted.  Now removed form the instance I am sadden, I still like I have lost a good deal of the relationship between Ayana and I.  I can tell she does nto trust herself around me.  Not really.  I think it would hurt more if I was not so emotionally wrecked from my real ordeals.

I told Drad that I would be happy to act as such for him if it was in the next eight months, but after that I could only try.  He was most grateful.  For a Xeenite, he is a pretty good guy.  I think I am suupose to consider them an Ally? I am so lost.  I really need Kali or someone to help me with all this... stuff.  If Mist wants me to be her pet, she better start working on my training; otherwise I might pee all over things before I learn what's expected.


~Raz

[Aerimor]

Joined a party into the moutians after that oil again.  Everything went well and noone died.  Elgon was there, I do not know what to think of him.  We ignore each other because it makes things easier but I don't know what to do with him.  I do not think he is a bad guy and definatly not evil.  But I can not figure out how stupid he is and how much he is being strung along by the forces in play.  I do beleive he cost me at least one chance to be with my child.  And that I can not forgive him for.  But I also can't hold any true anger for him in my heart.  I like to think its becuase I recognise the good he does for others, but truth is, there just may be no room left in my heart for such a strong emotion.

After our trek returned and we collected our rewards, Ayana found me alone and we talked.  She still does not trust herself fully when we are alone.  I still think she should kiss me and find for herself that Dradnats is her love and I was just a passing ship.  Anyway, she apologized for how I found out about her engagment and said she just got swept up in it and had no chance to find me and tell me before hand.  I told her that the fact she took the time now to say such, I can forgive her and wish her all the happiness she deserves.  After all she is related to Elgon, she is due some happiness.  I do not think she knows Drad asked me to be best man as she promised to invite me to the wedding.

Other than that she said she would always wonder what might of been and wished me happiness.  I again told her she should share a goodbye kiss and fre herself many future years of undue wondering.  To remove all doubt, but the best she could manage was a hug and then she departed.  I hope she never wonders again, if Drad is the right one, there should be no real doubts in her heart.  

Then again i was always a romantic fool.  

~Raz

[Aerimor]

I am so lost and hurt and alone.  I still have not heard word if I have a child.  I do not actually know that Jaelle survived.  I know nothing.  Kali has gone away.  I am begining to wonder if her part in all of this was played out and now she has gone on to other projects.

I have not seen Ami in a few weeks, she is not avoiding me...just busy.  Alatriel is unreachable, not that I blame her.  In many ways she going through what I am.  I wonder what god she ticked off.  Like me she thumbs her nose at the gods.

I have nothing to focus on except dispair, my swordplay and my desperate belief that Mist will keep her bargain and see to my child.  I have killed goblins in such numbers I fail to be able to estimate them.  I have been focusing on making my rapier strikes go exactly where I mena them to.  To steal an eye, or tear a muscle form the bone, ..heck or to just plain cause the part of the pain I feel.

I am getting too good at it.

~R

[Aerimor]

I saw her!

I went to Jil and Marcus' wedding to do some research for my role as bestman.  I do nto knwo wha tis custom in this land.

When I got there Jaelle was present in that red dress I use to find so invigorating.  And she was holding a tiny little bundle.  My child! I immediatly got sick to my stomach.  There was my child so close, and so far away.  I feared if I so much as talked to Jaelle she'd cloak herself in invisibility and simply leave.  Of that she'd ask for me to be removed from site.  After all I was not officilly invited, I was just attending because I knew Marcus and there were slyer saying all were invited.  I could not tear my eyes from that little bundle.  But I moved on and tried to contain my stomach.

The wedding and vows were performed.  But I do not remember much of them, I was in my own world.  I wanted more than anything to go and see her to hold her and confirm it was not an illusion or cruel trick.  But as faint as I was feeling I managed to hold true to my faith that if I was a good boy that Mist would do her part.  After all, here I was, in sight of my child.  More than I was able to accomplish myself.

When the cerimony was complete, there were fireworks.  A display like I've never seen before, too bad my head could not look skyward.  I say Jaelle cast something on our child, but the child seemed pleased by it and appears to fall asleep.  Speaking on Jaelle, I was nto sure it was not an illusion.  She looked so comfortable with the child.  I predicted that the child would change her and give her a chance at the life she bared from herself.  But I can not beleive the change without verifying it was not some trick.  I thought maybe it was an illusion and she just wanted to see if I'd try to take otu child by force.  I kept myself in check and told myself it'll work out in time.

After the fireworks everyone ate and socialized.  The thought of food left me sicker and I wandered off to the edge of the lake.  I guess it was being that wound up for so long, but my body took over and I vomited into the lake.  I immediatly felt better.  It was like releasing part of the nerves and pressure.

I am not sure who noticed, I think Elohanna did as she came over to talk.  She told me that I had a daughter!!  See, my bahavior was being rewards.  I demonstrated faith and now I knew I had a daughter.  I do not knwo what else we talked about but someone started comming over to pry into what was going on. That was too much, I shrouded myself from sight and moved to another part of the lake where I could think.  I just did not have it in me to talk to someone else.  I needed to find a handle on things.


A daughter!

It appears my faith was rewarded again, because Jaelle came over to me with our daughter.  I told her that I was glad they were both healthy.  And then asked if I was allowed to see out daughter or if she had other plans.  Mainly if she came to torment me.  Jaelle said that I could see her, and the way she said it, I do not think she trusted me much at all.  I had JAelle unwrap her enough so I could see her.  And how my heart sang,  there she was in arms reach.  So precious and beautiful.  So tiny and so like Jaelle, an exact match except for the baby blue eyes.  I guess this should of come as no surprise, for her to show none of my characteristics.  After all I am sure this was part of the buy off from Mist to Jaelle.

I wanted to hold her so badly, more than anything else in the world, I was going to even ask or demand such from Jaelle, the hell with demonstrating more faith.  Except for one unexpected flaw.  As soon as I saw how tiny and precious she was,  I was afraid to hold her.  I have always been graceful, but in the moment I felt like nothing more than a lumbering clod.  My hands were not good enough for that beautiful little angel.  But I could not help but touch her and feel her silky soft skin. I figured I could nto drop her it I only touched her, Jaelle looked so comfortable with her.  It seems Jaelle and I juxtaposed in this regard.  Maybe its for the best, it forced me to to try to push things with Jaelle faster than she was comfortable.  And after all she said I could see our daughter but never offered her to me, I had to ask for to unbundle her even.

I found out she had not yet been named, this bothers me still.  But before anythign more could happen, Jaelle said good bye and left.  I can not express the feelings in words.  I am in love with that child as much as anything in the world.  But I know I can not overstep my bounds or Jaelle may turn on me and I not see the child again while I draw breath.

If I wated this long what 7 more months?  It will all work out.  I just have to be a good boy.  After all I do get to see and touch my daughter.  More than I was ever able to accomplish on my own.  At the rate I was last going on my own, I'd of driven Jaelle into deep hiding or myself form this world.

Seven more moths, I just have to do as bid.  And not upset Jaelle.  Let Mist handle her for me.

~R

My daughters are the most beautiful things ever seen in the world.

[Aerimor]

Faith

I got to meet with Alatriel on one of her rare visits to town.  I hear that they are moving her house to somewhere practical and I offered to help were I can.  I figured if nothing else I could buy a few lionskin bags form Aerimor.  They cost a pretty penny and that way she could have the money without fealing it to be charity.  And truth be told, I could actually use the bags.  Would make my life easier.  I meet her in the crafting hall were she cut some gems for me.  And she todl me that Jaelle (the wench) and my daughter were in town center.

I todl her I had to go see, I needed to try or at least be available if I had the oppurtunity.  I also tried to tell Alatriel that Jaelle might be partially a victim in this.  That did not go over well and I let it drop,  I just wanted to see my daughter.

I cam einto town central and there were a number of folks including Jaelle and my daughter.  I walked by and soaked in ever detial I could manage before makign my way to the bank to get the money for Alatriel.  I then choose a bench in sight of the group and waited.

Alatriel came up and asked if the wench let me hold my child.  I couldn't tell her how afraid i was of breaking her so I just said no.  Alatriel then shared some more venom and then went to go talk to Jaelle.  I left to the bank quickly,  I did not need backlash form whatever Alatriel was going to say.  Not when things were starting to look up.  No I just hoped Alatriel did not sabotage me.

Alatriel showed up a few minutes later and told me Jaelle woudl talk to me.  I was beside myself.  How did Alatriel manage that?!  I confirmed that Jaelle would see me and let me hold my daughter and Alatriel said sure just go demand to hold her.  How my spirits sank, I guess she can't see that that is not how it works.  If I go make demands of Jaelle, I am apt to loose everything.  Alatriel could see my change of demeanor and told me to go demand to see my child.  I guess it was having the belief that I could be given to me and then yanked right back away, but I was furious with her.  She obviously just does nto understand that I have a deal in place and if I don't screw it up its working out.

I was harsh, I threw the bag of true at her and told her to go save her own damned child and try not to screw things up for me and mine.

I know now she was trying to help and I owe her an apology.  After all she just wishes her problem was fighting with the parent.  Her child may very well not live.  I will have to make sure that when and if she gets a chance at helping her child that I am first in line.  

I am just so petrified of upsetting the balance with Jaelle that inaction is the only action I am left to.  If I knew she'd not hold the child as a bargaining chip.  If it was just me and her, there are many chances I'd take.  I am very interested to see the extent of the change that came over her and if it appears it will last.  I would even apologize for our troubles.  There is no way things should of worked out as they did.  I have to believe there was horrible miscommunications and or Mist at work.  I would now even forgive her for everything except breaking her promise that I had a place in my childs life.

I have now sold my soul to her mistress to combat that very thing.  I really have put everything on the line.  I really do not think I could take the heartbreak of lossing my child again.  

The first promise I ever made to myself was that I would be a parent then my parents were to me.  And now I am failing both of my daughters.  I am too afraid to visit Laelue as I am.  I am sure someone would notice the depth of my dispair.  At least Lealue has two loving parents now.  But I am well on the way of failing my promise to her.  And obviously there is nothing I am allowed to do for my unamed daughter.

Six more months, I just have to keep myself together for six more months.

~R

[Aerimor]

Kali is still gone. I have not seen my Daughter, Ayana, or Alatriel.

I have no idea how to strive to keep my end of the deal with Mist, I am left without guidance.

I have been immersing myself in sword play and gathering gold.  Maybe I will buy my own house.  It would be somethign constructive to do and keep me busy.

~R

[Aerimor]

I ran into Ami last night.  I forgot how much I really like her, how strong of feelings I have for her.  I have only had feeligns that strong for Soshia, Jaelle and Ami.  I of course lost Soshia from being yougn and foolish. Jaelle we know how went.  And Ami has her own love, blasted Calvin.  Despite everything, I still love each of them and guess I always will, even if none of them will ever come to be anything.

I ended up in the arena with Ami, anxious to show her my improvments and just soak her in.  I was high of the energy of just being around her.  Somehow I managed to best her twice in the arena.  The first time I am sure she just underestimated me.  The second time, I have to believe luck or not, I actually bested her.  The second roudn carried a stake of a lock of hair.  I will cherish it always.  Ami was a friend when I needed one, a teacher when I needed a directon and someone that makes me feel good about the fact I am alive.

Ami was very into flirting with me all night, there was a lot of tension between us.  I guess she has more faith in me to not try to pull her over the line than I am that i will nto try.  I try to hurt noone, but I have so much going on, I do not trust myself to not try to press the issue between us.  But for this night anyway, I was able to behave myself, of course having witnesses aroudn didn't hurt.

We ended up going to The Mino caves on Dragon island.  Tod, Ami, Daniella and Aeronn.  And everything went well until we headed out and Tod got the attention of too many of them.  The whole party was lost.  I meet back with the others save Ami.  Ami sent a message ahead that she would sit in reflection over her death and not be rejoining us to recover our spirits.

I arrived and offered to invis us and go collect our bodies.  And Aeronn todl me he could not accept the shroud of invisibility to recover his soul.  That Roferien did nto allow his followers to walk unseen in the midst of their enemies.  What stupid ludicrious nonesense was this?!  Did he think the Minotaurs would allow him to gather his grave and then after he rested, fight him honorably?  The fool really believed is was right to refuse justly offerd help.  I am for laws when they are reasonable and help people.  But this was complete nonesense and I todl him so.  Daniella chimed in that she didn't want us to fight.  So I fired a departing salvo and left.

I told Aeronn to think how an innocent would feel is she came up to him in a few hours and needed depserate help then and there and he was unable to help here because he was still suffering from his weakened soul.  Hwo he would feel if a few monsters he'd normally be able to best came up next and killed the lady and him.  I asked him to think how lawful Roferien's law was then.  How did it help Aeronn, Roferien, or the innocent who was removed from the world because he refused a simple spell.

Doesn't the fool realize the gods will just push you around for amusement?  That you have to stand up to them or be lost to them?  I guess not, he is a knight.

~Raz

[Aerimor]

I went on an a delivery errand with a group of adventurers in Dregar.  The part that was interesting was that a storm drove us into a house and once in there we discovered 4 levers in various rooms.  Elgon liek an idiot pulled one, even though I asked him not to.  He dissapeared in a flash of light.  A few others then pulled the various levers each dissapearing.  The group of us left, Tod, Caerwyn, Amand and myself debated on wether to copy the action of leave them to their fate.  Amanda eventually gav ein and said she was goign after them.  I could not let her go without me,  the rest of them save Tod, deserve what they get.  But I aggread to go with Amanda and Caerwyn.  Tod stayed behidn ot deliver the package.

After we pulled the lever together I found myself in a dark room trapped.  After what seemed a day Amanda freed myself and the other from our rooms.  All of us were present save Tod who stayed behind.  We explored the area nd foudn two portals.  Amanda asked MArcus and I to tak eon and see if we ended up top side.  We had a strong feeling it would and st her request we stepped through.  She was right we were in the house again.  We waited for a long number of hours before Tod showed up with help to save us and we explained everythign was alright.  After a number of hours more the others arrived via portal.  I was relieved to see Amanda and gav eher a hug and kiss on the cheek. She told me she was glad there were not two Raz's and said she had a story to tell.

After we got back and a week passed I met with Amanda and she explined that after Marcus and I left that the others ran into a group of clones of us.  They had not our gear but for all other determinable purposes where us.  They said that the lever triggered a cloning spell. And accoring to the information Amanda got the clone were unable to leave the other area and survive, but if they stayed in th eother are athey would live a normal life.  The Marcus and Elgon clones decided to stay behind.  The Amanda and Caerwyn clones opted for oblivion and noone knows what happened to my clone.  I think if i was he and i knew I coudl never see my daughter, I may of opted for the easy out too.  Amanda had little information for me concerning my clone except he was not clothed like the others and was very quite.  I find that worrisome, he must of figured out he ws trapped there.  At least that is my guess.

I thanked Amanda, she really is a sweet young lady.  And we talked briefly about my daughters.  Her reaccount of the events gave me a desperate idea.

~Raz

[Aerimor]

I met with Jaelle in one las thope fo reconciling and failing that to present my desperate idea.

Well she made it painfully and obviously clear that she wanted nothing to do with me and that the only reason she arrived was because my note said my plan woudl assure my departure from the lands we share.  I do not know how she came to hate me so, but it hurts almost as much as not being able to hodl my daughter or be in her life.

So once my words of a last attempt at reconciling feel on deaf ears I presented my plan.  I explained all I knew about the house with the levers and the clones.  I then requested that she allow me and a clone of my daughter to live there out of the way for as long as it took.  Well or my clone and my daughter's clone, not sure how that would of worked out.  Well she lost her temper with me again saying I was the most unfit father and selfish thing she had ever known.  How could I curse a child to livign in a confined area for possibly her whole life.  I explained that the creator's clone according to Amanda was close to unravaling the flaws and those possible being able to lift the restrictions of staying in the area.  Then my daughter and i would leave to parts unknown and remian out of her way.  She again reinforced what she thought or me, and my treatment of the theoretical child.

So I left, didn't even get to see my child.  And it appears I will never get to hold her.  I am afraid I have no trust in Mist, no belief in myself, no faith in Jaelle and no hope to see my child.  Every day is a day of torment.  I ask why I bother to care.  Ever day it becomes harder to find a reason to go anywhere.  I am a poor pawn for Mist, even her faithful will not take the time to help me learn what I need to be of use to her.  I even now finally believe we deserve each other, miserable couple we are.  I will stil attempt to live up to my word with her and see if there is some back end miracle.  But I know I am a walking fool now.  

I fear I have no where to turn to.  I thought i had friends, but now that I need them its been a quite year.  A year of lonely torment.  I know Ayana wishes me well but has not the time or ability to help me with her budding new life.  I know Alatriel tried to help me, but I was too foolish to listen.  Now she is fighting for her own soul and has not the time for someone that cast her last tries to help away.

It my worst nightmare come to life.  All I ever wanted was love, someone to love and attention.  I have to guess I was not cut out for this world, it has no place for idealistic fools. I think I will update my will ...just in case.

~Raz