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Author Topic: Joke  (Read 8691 times)

jrizz

Re: Joke
« Reply #20 on: May 13, 2007, 12:25:43 pm »
The mayor of Hempstead was having trouble with all the birds left over from messages begin sent. The birds were defacing many public works of art and raiding the surrounding hillside crops. Finally the mayor put out a call for help to anyone that could get rid of the birds.
I cloaked man showed up in the mayors office holding a box. He said "I will take care of your problem under one condition". "anything" said the mayor. " you must not ask me any questions if you do you will have to pay me one million gold". The mayor seeing that he had nothing to lose agreed with the terms.
The man went to the window and removed from the box a bright blue bird which he then let go. The bird flew into the air and started to circle the city. Around and around it went and as it flew all the birds in the city flew up and followed it. Finally the blue bird flew off across the water. After some time the blue bird returned alone and flew in the mayor's window and back in to the box.
The mayor was amazed. He looked at the man and said "wait here while I send for one million in gold for you". The man said "but you did not ask me any questions". The mayor said "I must ask you this, do you have any blue adventurers?"
 

Pseudonym

Re: Joke
« Reply #21 on: May 13, 2007, 10:47:09 pm »
An adventurer, wandering from Hlint to Haven, accidentally catches the attention of one of the psycho-deathwish-deer generally present near the lake. The deer promptly attacks and the adventurer is forced to kill it. Knowing the druids would be up in arms if he didn't make sense of the otherwise senseless killing, he butchers it and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper.

He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner?"

"You'll see", says the adventurer.

They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.
"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint: It's what your mother sometimes calls me."
The girl suddenly screams at her little brother, "Spit it out! It's a no-good bum!"

// That required some heavy editing! hehe
 

Joyrock

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    Re: Joke
    « Reply #22 on: May 14, 2007, 05:25:40 am »
    Two half orcs toil in the soil digging in the mud, one looks to the other and asks why da boss, no work to?

    After scratching his head the other looks puzzled and says.

    Me no know, me go ask.

    After climbing out the pit he says to da boss. Boss why you no dig in mud as well?

    the much small orc looks up at the sluggish brute and says. iintelligence of 8.

    the orc looks down at him and says what is In-in-tell-E-gence?

    the small orcs calls him closure as he walks to a tree, placing his hand out right before the tree, massive trunk. Hit my hand as hard as you can.

    Nodding quickly eager to see what this intelligence was and what made it so great, quickly punked the da smaller orcs hand which due to his low dex was to slow to hit it before the hand was quickly moved.

    As the orc's hand collides with the massive trunk of the tree he crys out in pain.

    Walking away the boss says, that is intelligence.

    shaking his hand he went back to the other orc, wanting to show off what he had learned.

    After reaching the other orc who quickly waves him over. What did he say?

    The returning orc replyed intelligence, the other orc looked at him quizically  what is that? offering to show his friend he held up his hand in front of his own face. take that shovel and hit my hand with it as hard as you can. eager to see what this intelligence was he quickly obeyed. *thud!*
     

    Faldred

    Re: Joke
    « Reply #23 on: May 15, 2007, 08:38:56 am »
    A Half-giant, a Wemic, and an Orc walk into a bar...



    ... but the Brownie was able to duck under it.
     

    Honsou

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      Re: Joke
      « Reply #24 on: May 15, 2007, 10:06:23 am »
      Hehe Good one
       

      miltonyorkcastle

      Re: Joke
      « Reply #25 on: May 17, 2007, 03:06:48 pm »
      A young but tough looking group of adventurers pulled on their water-proof, knee-high boots and decided to raid swamp trolls.

      After mowing down some lizard-folk, the adventurers could see what appeared to be a wandering gaggle of trolls up ahead through the smelly fog. The group moved a pace towards the trolls when a certain mute warrior among them stopped in his tracks, and sheathed his blade. The others looked at him curiously as he knocked on the side of his helm, producing a dull ringing noise.

      "Anyone have any idea what he's trying to say?" someone asked. The rest shrugged, despite the warrior still knocking on the side of his helm, gesturing to the trolls.

      The group turned and marched toward their foe. The warrior, upon seeing the others move on, drew his sword once more and followed near the rear of the group. As they closed in on the trolls, the mute warrior took a few extra steps back.

      The rest of the party charged, hollering and swearing in the name of this god or that. Meanwhile, a reddish troll appeared from nowhere, arms outstretched in the air, calling upon some unknown source of power. In mid-charge, the the whole party, save the warrior who fell back, watched as blinding yellow light hammered each of them. Each one of them stumbled around stunned, grasping their heads which were filled with a dull but overwhelming ringing noise.

      The mute warrior watched as the trolls sent the party into a full retreat. They managed to finish off the trolls chasing them, but not before they received a sound beating. When the battered group stumbled back toward where the warrior stood, they cursed at him and called him a coward for not fighting with them.

      The warrior stood there, seemingly oblivious to their insults, then knocked on the side of his helm.
       

      Pseudonym

      Re: Joke
      « Reply #26 on: May 17, 2007, 07:48:38 pm »
      Quantum and Serissa, bane of undead everywhere, head over to Arindor's Demise to do some good undead slaying work.

      There they are, hacking and slashing away when, all of a sudden, the numbers arrayed against them seem overwhelming. The little devourers had stripped their buffs and things looked grim for the two heroes, surrounded by vampires as they were.

      Serissa shouts desperately, "Quick! Show them your cross."

      So Quantum, perhaps a little confused at first, obligingly lowers his sword and shouts at the hordes of undead around them, "Ooooh, you're in trouble now. Yes you are. You've gone too far this time. I am not happy at all. Big trouble."
       

      Honora

      Re: Joke
      « Reply #27 on: May 18, 2007, 08:03:27 am »
      heheeee I like that one :)
       

      jan

      Re: Joke
      « Reply #28 on: May 18, 2007, 08:11:35 am »
      What do you get if you cross-bread Barion with an ogre?

      ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????

      A VERY ugle but VERY strong strange looking OX!
       

      Pseudonym

      Re: Joke
      « Reply #29 on: May 25, 2007, 12:21:46 am »
      *looks up, scratches head*

      Stephen finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life, until the boat sinks. He finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

      After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
      "I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
      "Amazing," says Stephen. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
      "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

      "But-but, that's impossible," stutters Stephen. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
      "Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

      Stephen is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says.

      After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Stephen looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?"

      "No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
      "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a coke machine that I made. How about a Coke?"
      Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

      After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

      No longer questioning anything, Stephen goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "Wow! This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

      When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know ..."

      She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing.

      "You mean ...", he swallows excitedly, "I can check the forums!!??"
       

      LynnJuniper

      Re: Joke
      « Reply #30 on: May 25, 2007, 12:25:38 am »
      Oh..God...*Dies*
       

      Stephen_Zuckerman

      Re: Joke
      « Reply #31 on: May 25, 2007, 12:48:03 am »
      *Grunts as if he's been hit in the gut, and then proceeds to dissolve into hysterical laughter.*

      That is absolutely BRILLIANT. :D (Though, to be serious, my priorities would be a little different in that situation. :) )
       

      merlin34baseball

      Re: Joke
      « Reply #32 on: May 25, 2007, 04:24:42 am »
      You sure?
       

      Stephen_Zuckerman

      Re: Joke
      « Reply #33 on: May 25, 2007, 06:27:46 am »
      Moderately.
       

      darkstorme

      Re: Joke
      « Reply #34 on: May 25, 2007, 12:41:22 pm »
      Hahahahahahahahaha *thud* hee hee hee hee hee....
       

      Hotaru

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        Re: Joke
        « Reply #35 on: May 25, 2007, 01:16:50 pm »
        *falls over anime style*  too funny... i bet i'll feel like that after being gone for a month >_<
         

        Pseudonym

        Re: Joke
        « Reply #36 on: May 31, 2007, 08:51:13 pm »
        A woman brought a very limp duck to Brisbane, who fortunately was her local druid. As she laid her pet on the oak table, Brisbane leaned down and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the she shook her head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."

        The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
        "Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," she replied.
        "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't cast any spells on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
        Brisbane rolled her eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

        As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at Brisbane with sad eyes and shook his head.

        Brisbame patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

        Brisbane looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

        Brisbane then went over to her writing desk, took out a quill, scribbled for a moment and produced a bill which she handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "150 true!", she cried. "150 true just to tell me my duck is dead?"

        Brisbane shrugged. "I'm sorry.If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been 20 true, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now 150."
         

        pejsaboy

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          Re: Joke
          « Reply #37 on: May 31, 2007, 09:20:50 pm »
          *chuckles* Nice... cat scan... hehehe
           

          Pseudonym

          Re: Joke
          « Reply #38 on: June 07, 2007, 12:07:39 am »
          Rodlin was the most accomplished wood crafter in Layonara. There was no bow, no arrow, nothing at all he did not find completely trivial to manufacture. He feared there was no more to learn - he had reached the mountain's summit. Then, he heard rumours of the most amazing furniture being crafted for the nobility of Katherian. Pieces of furniture that were as much works of art as they were items of practical utility. He was convinced that if he truly wished to be regarded as the most accomplished wood-crafter in the world he must go and learn these new techniques of furniture making.

          As he was checking into an inn in Katherian he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. She, however, only spoke common and he really only spoke Elven - neither understood a word the other said. So he took out a quill and some parchment and drew a picture of a carriage. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded. So they went to dinner.

          After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several inns and dance halls, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the quill and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

          He was dumbfounded. To this day says that he's never been able to understand how she knew he was there to look at furniture.
           

          Polak76

          Re: Joke
          « Reply #39 on: June 07, 2007, 12:32:19 am »
          On a hot, dusty day a huge rugged warrior rode into a Fort Vehl. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine.

          An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.

          "Whatya do that fer?" he asked.

          "Got chapped lips," the warrior replied.

          The old man asked, "Does that help?"

          The cowboy said, "No, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
           

           

          anything