The World of Layonara

The Layonara Community => Just for Fun => Topic started by: Pseudonym on May 10, 2007, 10:01:45 pm

Title: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on May 10, 2007, 10:01:45 pm

// I think this is fairly PG //

One day there was a young swordsman who wanted more than anything to be the greatest fighter in all of Layonara. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in the Wild Surge one Saturday night, he recognised an elderly dwarf standing at the bar who had the reputation of being the doughtiest fighter in the West. The young swordsman took a place next to the oldtimer, Kobal Bluntaxe, bought him an ale and told him the story of his great ambition.

"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

Kobal looked him up and down and said, "Aye lad, show me your stuff."

The swordsman took out his sword and rattled off a few moves.

"Well, for one ting, you're holdin' your sword too high laddie. Hold it a little lower on da handle lad."

"Will that make me a better swordsman?" asked the young man.

"Sure will" replied Kobal. The young man did as he was told, whipped out his sword and did an amazing riposte that took the bow tie off the piano player sitting nearby.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said old Kobal. "Cut a notch out of your scabbard where the blade exits. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better swordsman?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will" said the dwarf.

The young man took out his knife, cut a notch in the scabbard, stood up, drew his sword in a blur, then cut a cufflink off the piano player in an amazing move.

"Wow!" exclaimed the swordsman. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old dwarf pointed to a large can in a corner of the inn.

"See that axle grease over there? Coat your sword with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the handle of his sword.

"No" said the grizzled old dwarf, "I mean smear it all over the sword, handle, blade and all."

"Will that make me a better swordsman?" asked the young man.

Kobal grinned, "No, but when Remi gets done playing the piano, he's gonna insert it where the sun don't shine and it won't hurt nearly as much if it's all greased!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Stephen_Zuckerman on May 10, 2007, 10:05:22 pm

*Cackle*

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on May 11, 2007, 12:04:53 am

// Motto ... spread your attribute points!! //

Karana Elksoul was on vacation and hiking through the Firesteep Peaks. She very much wanted to take home a pair of genuine dragon skin shoes, but was somewhat reluctant to pay the high prices the local kobold vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, Karana shouted,
"Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own wyrmling so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The kobold shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile,
"Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

So Karana headed into the caverns, determined to catch a wyrmling.

Later in the day, as the kobold shopkeeper is wearily trodding home, he spots Karana, waist deep in a lava filled cave, axe raised above her head. Just then, he spots a huge 20 foot wyrmling flying rapidly towards her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the bank of the cave.

Lying nearby were 8 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The kobold shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. Karana struggled and flipped the wyrm onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out,

"BUGGER ... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Polak76 on May 11, 2007, 12:59:00 am

A well disguised drow woman travelling on her way alighted at a poor inn, and they asked for her name. She answered, "Elixtha Baelheur Vhith'aedra Eshan-tilissti" Whereunto they replied, "Madam, we have not meat enough
for so many."

A certain jealous husband (Arkolio in many many years to come) followed his wife to confession; whom when the priest of Corath should lead behind the alter to be displied (disciplined by beating), the husband, perceiving it, and doubting the worst, cried unto him, saying, "hear ye, Dread Priest, I pray you let me be displied for her."
And kneeling down before the priest, "I pray you," quod the wife
to the priest, "strike him hard, for I am a great sinner."

Here are some medieval pick up lines:
Medieval Pick-Up Lines (http://www.unwind.com/jokes-funnies/sexjokes/medieval.shtml)

Cheers,
Polak76

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on May 11, 2007, 01:01:08 am

// Plot quest related joke //

One afternoon an adventurer was riding his noble steed when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he drew reign on his horse and dismounted to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my mansion in Leringard and I'll feed you," the adventurer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the adventurer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the adventurer answered graciously.

They all jumped on the horse, which was no easy task, even for a horse as mighty and noble as this one was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the adventurer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The mighty hero replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Polak76 on May 11, 2007, 01:22:39 am

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted
with a huge, mean bear.  In all his fears, his attempt to loosen an arrow at the bear was unsuccessful.  Thus, he turned away and started to run as fast as he could.
Finally, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
But, he got on his knees, opened his arms and said,

"My God! Please give this bear some religion!"

Then, there was a lightning in the air and the bear stopped just a feet short
of the hunter.  The bear was puzzled and looked up in the air and said,

"My God! What you are about to receive ... "

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on May 11, 2007, 01:42:14 am

A roguey-shadowdancer type broke into a house one night. He shined his hooded lantern around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a nice mithril shield to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Toran is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, blew out the tiny flame in the lantern, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then lit the lantern again and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the Titanium enhancement type IV off the shelf, clear as a bell he heard, "Toran is watching you." Freaked out he shone his lantern around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his lantern light came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The rogue relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Rofirein" replied the bird.

"Rofirein?" the burglar laughed.

"What kind of people would name a bird Rofirein?"

"The kind that would name their Rottweiler Toran."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on May 11, 2007, 08:43:09 pm

Rhizome was cruising along the beach doing his normal druidy thing when there was a frantic commotion just off-shore. A helpless man, wearing the cassock of an Aeridin Priest was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark.

As Rhizome watched in horror, a boat pulled up with three men wearing black skull-covered robes of Corath. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the hapless Aeridinite from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately Rhizome shouted and summoned them to him.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatred between the Corathites and the Aeridinites, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true. It is lovely to see a balance!"

As Rhizome took off, the Corathite harpooner asked his buddies:
"Who was that?"
"It was Rhizome," one replied. "He is in direct contact with the Oak and is a font of wisdom."
"Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to the Oak and his wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on May 11, 2007, 08:53:20 pm

While on holiday in the Forest of Fog and walking through the bush, Nye the druid comes across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seems distressed so Nye approaches very carefully. He gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot only to find a large thorn deeply embedded.

As carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the good intentioned druid and with a rather stern look on its face, stares at him. For a good ten minutes Nye stands frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled. His druidic empathy is working overtime to calm the great beast in it's pain. Eventually the elephant turns and walks away.

For years after, Nye often remembers and ponders the events of that day. Years later he is walking through the Forest of Fog with his son. As they approach the area where the elephants hang out, he spots one of the majestic beasts who turns and walks over to where they are standing. It stares at him and Nye can't help but wonder if this is the same elephant.

Nye holds out his hand non-threateningly and makes his way towards the great and noble beast. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of his legs and swings him wildly back and forth between the trees, instantly killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: darkstorme on May 11, 2007, 09:08:09 pm

// With apologies to Stephen and Jess

Pyyran was sitting in the Scamp, enjoying a quick drink, when a young mage of his acquaintance burst in.  "Pyyran, Pyyran!" he cried.

Pyyran leaped to his feet.  "What is it, lad?"

The magic-user gasped for breath.  "I... I was wandering about invisibly, and I came across some dark elves in a camp just outside of town!"  Pyyran tensed visibly, and started to check his equipment, when the mage continued, ".. and they said they were going to ambush Rhynn!"

Pyyran paused, retied the peace bond on his rapier, and sat back down to finish his drink.  The mage was aghast.  "Aren't you going to go out and stop the ambush?"

Pyyran shrugged.  "What do I care what happens to a bunch of dark elves?"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: LynnJuniper on May 11, 2007, 09:36:16 pm

*grin*

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Stephen_Zuckerman on May 11, 2007, 09:44:59 pm

//I laughed and laughed. Still laughing.

Pyyran and Shiff were wandering through the woods one day, when suddenly, out of nowhere, swoops down a large emerald drake.

Shiff took up his sword, knowing that the painful trip through the Bindstones was nigh, and gaped at Pyyran as the elder adventurer was cramming on a pair of Boots of Swiftness the two had stumbled across earlier.

"Are you insane!" cried Shiff, "you can't outrun a dragon!"

The drake nearly upon them, Pyyran hurriedly finished tying up the boots.

"Outrun the dragon? I just have to outrun you!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on May 11, 2007, 09:49:12 pm

A woman walks into the Scamp and sees a pretty good looking bloke sitting at the bar. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. He says, "It is Magic Ale."

She thinks he's a bit of a nutter, so she walks around the pub. After realising that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar. She says, "That isn't really Magic Ale, is it?" He says, "Yes! I'll show you ..."

So, he takes a gulp of the brew, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back into the window. She can't believe it. She says to him, "I bet you can't do that again!"

So, he takes another drink of the ale, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. She is amazed. She says that she wants a Magic Ale. So the bloke says to the bartender, "Give her a pint of what I'm having."

She gets her pint, takes a gulp, jumps out the window, plummets 4 stories, breaks every bone in her body and dies.

The bartender looks up at the bloke and says, "Plen, you're really not very nice when you're drunk."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on May 11, 2007, 10:44:56 pm

// An innocuous little trade and market hall joke ... then i'm done, promise! //

Shopkeeper Arkolio was alarmed when Raven Trading opened in the storefront to the left of him. A huge sign was installed, reading BEST DEALS.

Ark was troubled a second time when the Orc Bashers leased the building on his right, and erected a much larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

At this point Ark was really depressed, however, he came up with an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop ... it read MAIN ENTRANCE.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: darkstorme on May 11, 2007, 11:03:44 pm

// Apologies just to Stephen this time. ;)

A half-orc, a human, and an elf were all out adventuring together, when they found themselves unexpectedly caught in a teleport trap and stranded on a desert island, surrounded by sharks.  Left with no magic with which to return, they made camp as best they could, subsisting off rations and the berries which grew on the island.

For two weeks, they grew more and more despairing, when they noticed a jeweled bottle wash up onto the beach.  Knowing that the GM would never just drop a named item into the game without a good reason ( ;) ), they grabbed for it.  As they did so, a column of smoke and wind blew out of the mouth of the bottle, and a Djinn appeared.

"By the Law of the Djinn," he intoned, "I must grant the Bearer of my Bottle Three W-..", he paused, eying the three adventurers clutching the bottle.  "Hmm.  I see.  Very well, I will grant Each of the Bearers of my Bottle One Wish apiece."

This being said, he turned first to the human.  "And what is your wish, sir?"

The human barely needed a moment to consider: "I wish to return to Port Hempstead and my friends."

The Djinn nodded.  "Done."  In a flash of light, the man was gone.  Next, the Djinn turned to the elf.  "What, then, is your wish?"

The elf, too, needed little time: "I wish to return to my home in Haven, and my wife."  Nod.  Flash.  The half-orc was then alone on the beach.

The Djinn turned to the lone figure.  "And you?"  The hulking half-orc's face screwed up with indecision and puzzlement.  The Djinn grew impatient: "Come on, you've no idea how long I've been trapped in there!  Make your wish, that I might see my own family and friends again."

This seemed to strike a chord, for the half-orc's face turned morose.  "Friends," he murmured, "Lonely."  Then his face brightened with a smile.  "Grok wish he had friends back!"

*flash-flash*

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: J-ser on May 12, 2007, 10:15:15 pm

Appologies to Mylindra:

Mylindra was walking through the forest when big foot jumps out of the forest and attacks her.
Desperate she screams out "Save me Rofirein!"
The god comes out of the skies and says "I thought you didn't believe in me anymore."
Mylindra replies "Up till a minute ago i didn't believe in big foot either."


I probably should have let this thread die.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: darkstorme on May 12, 2007, 11:41:45 pm

And now, to crank up the inanity -

How many fighters does it take to replace a lampwick?
Just one, but he'll go through twenty lamps before he realizes he doesn't have to smash them to get it in.

How many mages does it take to replace a lampwick?
One, but he needs five hundred true worth of material components to do it.

How many bards does it take to replace a lampwick?
None.  Ghost stories are better in the dark!

How many clerics does it take to change a lampwick?
Only one, but the lampwick has to want to change.

How many monks does it take to replace a lampwick?
Fifteen.  One to change it (and really fast), and the others to point out how much better their school could have done it.

How many barbarians does it take to replace a lampwick?
Twenty-four.  Four to attempt to force the lamp to replace its wick, and twenty to swear a blood oath against all lamps, everywhere.

How many rangers does it take to replace a lampwick?
None.  Campfires don't have wicks.

How many druids does it take to replace a lampwick?
Six.  One to replace it, and the other five to attack him for upsetting the balance of light and dark.

How many paladins does it take to replace a lampwick?
Two.  One to replace the lampwick, and the other to lecture the lamp's owner on the evils of darkness.

How many rogues does it take to replace a lampwick?
What lampwick?  For that matter, what lamp?  Why are you looking at me?

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Honora on May 13, 2007, 09:36:26 am

A young fighter walks into the Lerigard Inn, orders an ale, and says to Jharl the barkeep, "Hey, I got  this great Barbarian Isles joke..."

Jharl glares at him and says in a  warning tone of voice: "Before you go telling that joke you better know that  I'm from Krashin, both bouncers are from Krashin, and so are many of my customers."  

"Okay" says the fighter, "I'll tell it very slowly."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Dorganath on May 13, 2007, 09:43:28 am

*whispers to Honora*

Jharl's not from Krashin...

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: jrizz on May 13, 2007, 12:13:33 pm

but it is still very funny

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: jrizz on May 13, 2007, 12:25:43 pm

The mayor of Hempstead was having trouble with all the birds left over from messages begin sent. The birds were defacing many public works of art and raiding the surrounding hillside crops. Finally the mayor put out a call for help to anyone that could get rid of the birds.
I cloaked man showed up in the mayors office holding a box. He said "I will take care of your problem under one condition". "anything" said the mayor. " you must not ask me any questions if you do you will have to pay me one million gold". The mayor seeing that he had nothing to lose agreed with the terms.
The man went to the window and removed from the box a bright blue bird which he then let go. The bird flew into the air and started to circle the city. Around and around it went and as it flew all the birds in the city flew up and followed it. Finally the blue bird flew off across the water. After some time the blue bird returned alone and flew in the mayor's window and back in to the box.
The mayor was amazed. He looked at the man and said "wait here while I send for one million in gold for you". The man said "but you did not ask me any questions". The mayor said "I must ask you this, do you have any blue adventurers?"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on May 13, 2007, 10:47:09 pm

An adventurer, wandering from Hlint to Haven, accidentally catches the attention of one of the psycho-deathwish-deer generally present near the lake. The deer promptly attacks and the adventurer is forced to kill it. Knowing the druids would be up in arms if he didn't make sense of the otherwise senseless killing, he butchers it and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper.

He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner?"

"You'll see", says the adventurer.

They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.
"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint: It's what your mother sometimes calls me."
The girl suddenly screams at her little brother, "Spit it out! It's a no-good bum!"

// That required some heavy editing! hehe

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Joyrock on May 14, 2007, 05:25:40 am

Two half orcs toil in the soil digging in the mud, one looks to the other and asks why da boss, no work to?

After scratching his head the other looks puzzled and says.

Me no know, me go ask.

After climbing out the pit he says to da boss. Boss why you no dig in mud as well?

the much small orc looks up at the sluggish brute and says. iintelligence of 8.

the orc looks down at him and says what is In-in-tell-E-gence?

the small orcs calls him closure as he walks to a tree, placing his hand out right before the tree, massive trunk. Hit my hand as hard as you can.

Nodding quickly eager to see what this intelligence was and what made it so great, quickly punked the da smaller orcs hand which due to his low dex was to slow to hit it before the hand was quickly moved.

As the orc's hand collides with the massive trunk of the tree he crys out in pain.

Walking away the boss says, that is intelligence.

shaking his hand he went back to the other orc, wanting to show off what he had learned.

After reaching the other orc who quickly waves him over. What did he say?

The returning orc replyed intelligence, the other orc looked at him quizically  what is that? offering to show his friend he held up his hand in front of his own face. take that shovel and hit my hand with it as hard as you can. eager to see what this intelligence was he quickly obeyed. *thud!*

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Faldred on May 15, 2007, 08:38:56 am

A Half-giant, a Wemic, and an Orc walk into a bar...



... but the Brownie was able to duck under it.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Honsou on May 15, 2007, 10:06:23 am

Hehe Good one

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: miltonyorkcastle on May 17, 2007, 03:06:48 pm

A young but tough looking group of adventurers pulled on their water-proof, knee-high boots and decided to raid swamp trolls.

After mowing down some lizard-folk, the adventurers could see what appeared to be a wandering gaggle of trolls up ahead through the smelly fog. The group moved a pace towards the trolls when a certain mute warrior among them stopped in his tracks, and sheathed his blade. The others looked at him curiously as he knocked on the side of his helm, producing a dull ringing noise.

"Anyone have any idea what he's trying to say?" someone asked. The rest shrugged, despite the warrior still knocking on the side of his helm, gesturing to the trolls.

The group turned and marched toward their foe. The warrior, upon seeing the others move on, drew his sword once more and followed near the rear of the group. As they closed in on the trolls, the mute warrior took a few extra steps back.

The rest of the party charged, hollering and swearing in the name of this god or that. Meanwhile, a reddish troll appeared from nowhere, arms outstretched in the air, calling upon some unknown source of power. In mid-charge, the the whole party, save the warrior who fell back, watched as blinding yellow light hammered each of them. Each one of them stumbled around stunned, grasping their heads which were filled with a dull but overwhelming ringing noise.

The mute warrior watched as the trolls sent the party into a full retreat. They managed to finish off the trolls chasing them, but not before they received a sound beating. When the battered group stumbled back toward where the warrior stood, they cursed at him and called him a coward for not fighting with them.

The warrior stood there, seemingly oblivious to their insults, then knocked on the side of his helm.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on May 17, 2007, 07:48:38 pm

Quantum and Serissa, bane of undead everywhere, head over to Arindor's Demise to do some good undead slaying work.

There they are, hacking and slashing away when, all of a sudden, the numbers arrayed against them seem overwhelming. The little devourers had stripped their buffs and things looked grim for the two heroes, surrounded by vampires as they were.

Serissa shouts desperately, "Quick! Show them your cross."

So Quantum, perhaps a little confused at first, obligingly lowers his sword and shouts at the hordes of undead around them, "Ooooh, you're in trouble now. Yes you are. You've gone too far this time. I am not happy at all. Big trouble."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Honora on May 18, 2007, 08:03:27 am

heheeee I like that one :)

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: jan on May 18, 2007, 08:11:35 am

What do you get if you cross-bread Barion with an ogre?

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A VERY ugle but VERY strong strange looking OX!

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on May 25, 2007, 12:21:46 am

*looks up, scratches head*

Stephen finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life, until the boat sinks. He finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," says Stephen. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters Stephen. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Stephen is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Stephen looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a coke machine that I made. How about a Coke?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, Stephen goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "Wow! This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know ..."

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing.

"You mean ...", he swallows excitedly, "I can check the forums!!??"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: LynnJuniper on May 25, 2007, 12:25:38 am

Oh..God...*Dies*

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Stephen_Zuckerman on May 25, 2007, 12:48:03 am

*Grunts as if he's been hit in the gut, and then proceeds to dissolve into hysterical laughter.*

That is absolutely BRILLIANT. :D (Though, to be serious, my priorities would be a little different in that situation. :) )

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: merlin34baseball on May 25, 2007, 04:24:42 am

You sure?

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Stephen_Zuckerman on May 25, 2007, 06:27:46 am

Moderately.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: darkstorme on May 25, 2007, 12:41:22 pm

Hahahahahahahahaha *thud* hee hee hee hee hee....

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Hotaru on May 25, 2007, 01:16:50 pm

*falls over anime style*  too funny... i bet i'll feel like that after being gone for a month >_<

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on May 31, 2007, 08:51:13 pm

A woman brought a very limp duck to Brisbane, who fortunately was her local druid. As she laid her pet on the oak table, Brisbane leaned down and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the she shook her head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," she replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't cast any spells on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
Brisbane rolled her eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at Brisbane with sad eyes and shook his head.

Brisbame patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

Brisbane looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Brisbane then went over to her writing desk, took out a quill, scribbled for a moment and produced a bill which she handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "150 true!", she cried. "150 true just to tell me my duck is dead?"

Brisbane shrugged. "I'm sorry.If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been 20 true, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now 150."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: pejsaboy on May 31, 2007, 09:20:50 pm

*chuckles* Nice... cat scan... hehehe

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on June 07, 2007, 12:07:39 am

Rodlin was the most accomplished wood crafter in Layonara. There was no bow, no arrow, nothing at all he did not find completely trivial to manufacture. He feared there was no more to learn - he had reached the mountain's summit. Then, he heard rumours of the most amazing furniture being crafted for the nobility of Katherian. Pieces of furniture that were as much works of art as they were items of practical utility. He was convinced that if he truly wished to be regarded as the most accomplished wood-crafter in the world he must go and learn these new techniques of furniture making.

As he was checking into an inn in Katherian he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. She, however, only spoke common and he really only spoke Elven - neither understood a word the other said. So he took out a quill and some parchment and drew a picture of a carriage. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded. So they went to dinner.

After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several inns and dance halls, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the quill and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

He was dumbfounded. To this day says that he's never been able to understand how she knew he was there to look at furniture.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Polak76 on June 07, 2007, 12:32:19 am

On a hot, dusty day a huge rugged warrior rode into a Fort Vehl. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine.

An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.

"Whatya do that fer?" he asked.

"Got chapped lips," the warrior replied.

The old man asked, "Does that help?"

The cowboy said, "No, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on June 07, 2007, 07:22:00 pm

Rumours abound, post the understanding reached between Broegar and the Rofireinites that Holy Honour Barvanth Hiramun III is actually an imposter and not the true Bishop!!! Supposedly he has never once been spotted moving diagonally.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on June 21, 2007, 08:31:19 pm

// One for Rowana! //

"Your daughter is only five and she can spell her name backwards? Why, that is remarkable."

The headmistress was talking to a parent who was trying to impress her with the child's academic prowess so that she would be accepted into the school. The little girl had quite the stutter and the Leringard Finishing School was notoriously difficult to get into. Any little thing could make the difference.

"Yes, we're very proud of her" said the mother.

"And what is your daughter's name?"

"Anna."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on June 21, 2007, 09:29:20 pm

Jacchri was a bit lonely and he decided life would be more fun if he had a new animal companion. Wolves were very last season. So, he goes into the forest and tries to make communion with a new little friend. After some time he finally establishes a deep bond a centipede. He takes the centipede home, finds a good location for the little guy, a nice comfy box in the corner. Another bonus, he takes up much less room than the wolf. Jacchri decides he would start off by taking his new companion to the Wild Surge for a drink so they could cement the new relationship.

Jacchri asks the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to the Wild Surge with me and have an ale?"

But there was no answer from his new companion.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the Wild Surge and having a drink with me?"

But again there was no answer from his new friend. He waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decides to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's new house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the Wild Surge and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: darkstorme on June 22, 2007, 04:39:21 pm

// Apologies, again.  I'd attack my own characters, but they're not as funny or well known!

Karn and Pyyran were visiting a country fair.  As they strolled past a stand of tents, a gypsy called out, "You there!  Adventurers!  Tell your fortune and guess your age for a gold piece!"

Pyyran glanced at Karn, shrugged, and dug into his coinpurse.  He slid the coin across the table, where it vanished into the gypsy woman's sleeve.  She looked at them seriously.  "When I am in trance, I cannot be trusted to speak -  I will therefore write down what I see."

So saying, she rolled her eyes back in her head and started to moan and sway.  Her hand jerkily dipped a quill in ink and started to write in fits and jerks.  After an interminable period of this, she flipped the parchment over, scribbled one last figure, and relaxed.  Slowly, she roused herself.  "There you are, my lords."  She took a sip of wine from her goblet and slid the parchment to the pair.  Karn snatched it up and began to read.

"Your good looks, charm, and poise will win you many friends and allies.  Your skills and abilities will draw admiration, while your noble bearing will serve you well in matters of diplomacy."

Pyyran smiled broadly, up until Karn flipped the sheet over and said, "And she got your age wrong, too!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Stephen_Zuckerman on June 22, 2007, 11:52:14 pm

*Cackles* You rock my socks.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Dezza on June 23, 2007, 08:50:04 pm

Alliena, Kobal, Jacrum, Gothim, Kuguar, Pendar, Jacchri, Varka, Virtue and Dogboy were faced an unfortunate set of circumstances where the floor of the room in which they entered gave way leaving them all hanging on a rope suspended from the ceiling.

Nine men and one woman..  The rope definitely was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that at least one had to let go because otherwise they were all going to fall.  

They argued amongst themselves until Alliena gave a very touching speech.  

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman and a wonderful human being, she was used to giving up everything for others happiness and for the men in general. She went on about how she was used to always making sacrifices with asking for little in return.  

As soon as she finished her speech a mysterious little smile upon her face; all the men started clapping their hands.......

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on June 23, 2007, 09:56:13 pm

Hey!

As a man I would defend our stupidity and argue this stereotype ....


.... if I could.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on July 12, 2007, 08:59:24 pm

Ozymandias, famed collector of knowledge and lost lore, spent five years travelling all around the world studying rituals, ceremonies and dances. At the end of this time, he had every single native dance of every indigenous culture in Layonara recorded in one of his little books ... or so he thought. Ozy eventually wound up in Belinara, in a little town, so he popped into the local inn for a well earned ale.

He got talking to one of the locals and told him about his project. The local asked Ozy what he thought of the Butcher Dance.

"Butcher Dance?" Ozy asked, confused.
"What's that?"
"What? You didn't see the Butcher Dance?"
"No, I've never heard of it."
"Little old strange elf, you're crazy," the man replied.
"How can you say you've seen every native ritual and dance if you haven't seen the Butcher Dance?"
"Ummmm. I saw a moonlight dance performed by the local maidens near here just last week. Is that what you mean?"
"No, no. The Butcher Dance is much more important than the Maiden's Moonlight Dance."
"Oh," Ozy said, his curiosity piqued.
"How can I see this Butcher Dance then?"
"Well, the Butcher Dance is way out in the wilderness. It'll take you many days of travel to go see it."
"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Xantril, to deepest darkest Alindor, from the deserts of Dregar to the frozen wastes of Krashin watching these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."
"Ok fella," the man replied, shrugging.
"You hike north along the tarrasque trail towards the next town. After you walk 197 leagues, you'll see a Trolloc track veer off to left. Follow the dirt track for 126 leagues till you see big dead spruce tree ... the tree is home to a clan of balor. You strike out due west into the setting sun. Walk three days till you hit a stream. You follow this stream to the northwest. After two days you'll find where the stream flows out of some rocky mountains, but it's much too difficult to cross the mountains there, though. So you head south for half a day until you see a pass through mountains. The pass is very difficult and very dangerous.  Home to a tribe of Tanman's mountain giants. It'll take you two, maybe three days to get through it. On the other side, head northwest for four days until you reach a big huge rock ... twenty feet high and shaped like a man's head. From the rock, walk due west for two days, and then you'll find the village. You'll be able to see the Butcher Dance there."

So Ozy grabbed his equipment and headed out. After a couple of days, he found the dirt track. The track was in a shocking state, and he was forced to crawl along at a snail's pace, and so he didn't reach the tree until a few days after that where he was forced to set up camp for the night.

He set out bright and early the following morning. His spirits were high, and he was excited about the prospect of witnessing this mysterious dance that he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he had been given, he reached the creek after three days and followed it for another two, until he reached the rocky mountains.

The merciless sun was starting to take its toll, and his spirits were starting to flag but wearily he trudged on, finally finding the pass through the mountains. Nothing would prevent him from completing his life's dream. The mountains proved to be every bit as treacherous as his guide had said, and at times he despaired of ever getting through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort, he finally forced his way clear and continued his long trek.

When he reached the huge rock, four days later, his water was running low, and his feet were covered with blisters but he steeled himself and headed out on the last leg of his journey. Two days later he literally staggered into the village. To his relief, the natives welcomed him and fed him and gave him fresh water, and he began to feel like a new elf. Once he recovered enough, Ozy went before the village chief and told him that he came to witness their Butcher Dance.

"Oooh little wheezy elf," he said.
"Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."
"When do you hold the next dance?"
"Not till next year."
"Well, I've come all this way. I'm very important you know. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me tonight?"
"No, no, no!" the chief exclaimed.
"Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. You want see Butcher Dance, you come back next year."

Understandably, Ozy was devastated, but he had no other option but to head back to civilization and home.

The following year, he headed back to Belinara and, determined not to miss out again, set out a week earlier than before. Ozy was quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance was performed in order to ensure he was present to witness it. It would also maybe mean a new audience for some of his tales to while away the time.

But right from the start, things went wrong. Heavy rains that year turned the dirt tracks to mud, and every footstep was a titanic effort. He reached the stream and the mountains without any further problems, but halfway through the mountain pass, Ozy was struck by a fierce storm that raged for several days, during which he was forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsided.

Then, before he had travelled a mile out from the mountains, Ozy sprained his ankle badly, slowing down the rest of his journey greatly. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long he had been travelling, Ozy staggered into the village right at noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" Ozy gasped.
"Please don't tell me I'm too late to see it!"
The chief recognised him and said,
"No, little coughing fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, Ozy spent the rest of the afternoon setting up his easel and readying his quills and inkpots. As dusk fell, the natives started to cover their bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of birds feathers and animal skins. Once darkness had settled fully over the land, the natives formed a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descended over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body entered the circle and began to chant.

"What's he doing?" Ozy whispered to the chief.
"Hush," the chief whispered back.
"You first outsider ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance, and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the holy man reached a stunning crescendo before he removed himself from the circle. The rhythmic pounding of drums boomed out across the land, and the natives began to sway to the stirring rhythm. Ozy became caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This was it. He realized beyond all doubt that his wait the past year had not been in vain. He was about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strode to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, started to sing,
"You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in, and you shake it all about ..."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on July 19, 2007, 08:05:15 pm

Shamur was playing with one of his kids one day at the park when he noticed the boy making faces at others on the playground equipment. Shamur went over to gently reprove the child. Smiling as sweetly as he could, Shamur said,

"Shazz Jnr, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Shazz Jnr looked up and replied,

"Well, Daddy, you can't say you weren't warned!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on July 19, 2007, 08:10:16 pm

Jacrum and Gothim were out mining, when Jacrum accidentally cut his arm off. Gothim, who was trained in first aid, remained calm and popped the arm in a lion skin bag and then took it and Jacrum to the best healer they knew, Rose. Rose says,
"You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours."

So Gothim came back in four hours and Rose says to him,
"I got done faster than I expected. Jacrum is already down at the local inn!" Gothim went to the inn and was amazed to see Jacrum throwing darts.
"Wow" thought Gothim, "that priestess does excellent work."

A few weeks later, Gothim and Jacrum were out again, and Jacrum accidentally cut his leg off. Gothim put the leg in a lion skin bag and took it, and Jacrum, back to Rose. Rose says,
"Legs are a little tougher, but I'll see what I can do - come back in six hours."

Gothim returned in six hours and Rose says to him again,
"I finished early - Jacrum's down at the soccer field."
Gothim went to the soccer field and there was Jacrum, kicking goals.
"Wow" thought Gothim, "She sure is amazing."

A few weeks later, Jacrum had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Gothim put the head in a lion skin bag and took it and the rest of Jacrum to the priestess.
Rose, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours."

So Gothim returned in twelve hours and Rose says to him sadly,
"I'm sorry, Jacrum died."
Gothim nods his head slowly,
"I understand - I know you tried your best. You are a very skilled surgeon but I'm sure heads are very difficult."

Rose replies,
"Oh, no! It wasn't that, he suffocated in that bag!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: miltonyorkcastle on July 25, 2007, 02:25:11 pm

How many mercenaries does it take to change a lamp wick?

Five. One to use the old lamp to make a kerosene bomb and throw it onto a bugbear hut. Four to kill all the bugbears that run out to get enough gold to buy a new lamp.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Harlas Ravelkione on July 25, 2007, 04:01:14 pm

* Laughs hard! *

I didn't check out this thread until now - man have I missed out!

Thank you all! :)

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Falonthas on July 25, 2007, 05:22:15 pm

indeed we want more

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: darkstorme on July 25, 2007, 11:56:58 pm

// This one's a bit anachronistic, but fun anyway.

Timulty Keel, Evoker and sage, was traveling the Serpent Isles, in the interest of cataloging the indigenous life, both plant and animal, of the area.  The islands were teeming with life, most of it of a mind to make a meal of the meandering mage.  On several occasions, he escaped with his life only by the virtue of a hastily cast invisibility spell and terror-inspired fleetness of foot.

It came as a great surprise, therefore, when as he was tramping through the jungle-covered island of Diego, to stumble across a native tribe in an area of relative safety.  He might have overlooked them, save for the sound of their drums, which drew him to the village.  They were, against all odds, friendly, and greeted him with open arms, offers of food, drink, and entertainment of all sorts.  Grateful for a respite from his perilous journeys, Timulty gladly accepted, taking the time to jot down notes on native customs as well.

The pleasant native drumming that had drawn him to this village, however, quickly became annoying as it appeared it never ceased.  When Timulty was eating dinner - roast boar, in an absolutely delicious sauce - by the great bonfire, drumming.  When he bathed in an offered hot spring - drumming.  When he tried to get to sleep that night, drumming.  He couldn't even manage the concentration to prepare his spells, so prevalent was the sound.

This went on for three days.

After the third restless night, haggard from lack of sleep, Timulty approached the chief of the village, a genial man who had a rough understanding of Common.  He thanked the chief for the hundredth time for the tribe's generosity, not wanting to seem ungrateful, and then asked the question that now throbbed with every beat of the cursed drums - "Chief, do the drummers ever stop?"

The chief made a sign to ward off evil, and seemed taken aback.  "Oh, no, spell-holder.  Drums never stop.  If drums stop, terrible!"

Timulty was shocked.  Perhaps these drums were enchanted to ward off some great evil!  Or maybe it was more mundane than that - perhaps the drumming drove off predators that would normally make a meal of the village?  Taking out his journal and a quill, he turned to a fresh page and again addressed the chief.  "What terrible thing happens?"

The chief hesitated, clearly hesitant even to mention the terror that the drums' cessation would herald.  "When drums stop...."

"Yes?", prompted Keel.

"When.. drums stop...." - the chief took a long, shuddering breath - "bass solo begins!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on July 26, 2007, 01:38:13 am

A woman arrived at the Gates of the Realm of the Gods. While she was waiting for Rofirein to acknowledge and judge her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her.

"Hello! How are you? We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Rofirein came by, the woman said to him,
"This is such wonderful place! How do I get in?"

The Great Gold's mighty voice boomed.
"You have to spell two words"
"Which words?" the woman asked.
"Love and Peace"
The woman correctly spelled L-O-V-E and P-E-A-C-E and Rofirein welcomed her into the Heavens.

About a year later, Rofirein came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of the Heavens for him that day, he having to duck off and address some questions of Dogma that had arisen amongst His faithful. While the woman was guarding the Gates of the Heavens, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won all the best prizes in the Raffle for Stone. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. My new wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation near Leringard and I went snow skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell two words," the woman told him.
"Which words?", her husband asked.
"Yzyartkadrania and Dre'zlunkazhn"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on July 26, 2007, 07:52:46 pm

Another freezing cold wintry day in Layonara sees Arkolio pop into the temple of Rofirein in Vehl.

"Hello, is this where I report a crime?"

Healer Reus, "Yes, What do you want?"

"I'm reporting about my neighbour, Sallaron Tempest! He is hiding an unholy symbol of Pyrtechon inside his woodshed."

"Thank you very much for the information Sir, we're right on it!"

The next day, a bunch of Knights of the Wyrm descend on Sall's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood but find no unholy symbol. They curse, swear in frustration but eventually apologise to Sall and leave ...

The next day Arkolio pays a visit to Sallaron's house.

"Hey, Sall! Did the Rofi's come to your house?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday Buddy."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on July 26, 2007, 07:57:02 pm

// Darkstorme, I see your anachronism and raise you another. //

Farros is standing at the bar in the Scamp's Mug when he hears a voice coming from the peanut bowl.
"I really like your hat," it says. "You're really quite handsome, you are. You're very lovely."

Surprised, Farros picks up his drink and walks to the table. Passing the jukebox, he hears another voice.
"You are ugly, fat and stupid," the voice says.

Farros is somewhat baffled and asks the barman what is going on.

"I'm so sorry," says the barman.
"The peanuts are complimentary but the jukebox is out of order."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: LordCove on July 26, 2007, 09:42:48 pm

Why the hell did I not read these before!!!

So far.....the Quantum and Serissa undead-slayer's is my favourite!

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: darkstorme on July 27, 2007, 03:39:42 am

In the days of prosperity before the Dark Ages, donations to temples were freely given and plentiful - but not for a small group of Aragenite friars, living in modest surroundings in Hempstead. Seeing money pouring into the coffers of the other faiths, they concluded that they needed to come up with a fundraising idea, and quickly.  After wracking their brains, one stumbled across a book on flower arrangement in his personal library that he'd not seen in a while.  Struck with inspiration, he rushed to the other men of the cloth.

Later that week, the friars opened a small flower shop, just off the main square, and started doing a brisk business with their aesthetically perfect flower arrangements.  The trues flowed so quickly that they rapidly expanded, taking over the shop space of the adjacent stores and even hiring help.

They did so well, in fact, that Hempstead's main flower shop - Dalia's Flowers - began to get worried.  The Aragenites' arrangements were.. well, too perfect.  With the books and divine guidance at their disposal, the Aragenites were quickly outperforming the most gifted of flower arrangers the store had to offer.  So, quietly, they sent someone over to beg the Aragenites to scale down their business... or at least send some business back in the direction of the long-established flower store.  The friars, flush with success - and for the first time, with cash - refused.

In desperation, Dalia's sent a runner down to the Scamp.  There, he sought out Hugh "The Fist" Stelvan, a vicious thug who would do just about anything for money.  The runner insinuated that Dalia's would pay handsomely to see the Aragenites put out of business, and offered a hundred true as a down payment.  Hugh grunted, took the money, picked up his cloak and left the tavern.

One by one, the Aragenite friars had pressure put on them - threatening notes, vandalised homes, or outright confrontation in alleys.  Soon, they were all pale and shaking.. but still at work, still competing.  Finally, one night, the Aragenites' shop mysteriously caught fire and burned to the ground.  Dalia's paid "The Fist" twice the down payment, and gratefully, as their customers flooded back.  Which only goes to prove that what everyone said was true: Only Hugh can stop florist friars.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Falonthas on July 27, 2007, 07:49:53 am

:smacks his forehead: doh

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on July 27, 2007, 09:55:44 am

*hands over his most-lame-joke crown to his worthy succcessor, Darkstorme*

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: darkstorme on July 27, 2007, 10:51:58 am

*grins, and before the crown even starts to cool off, starts another one*

The selfsame Evoker and sage Timulty Keel was at it again - this time, exploring the ruins of a long-dead civilization, up in the north of Krashin.  These ruins dated from times long gone, when Layonara's frozen north was a warm and verdant jungle - and their creators lay as dust in their own hallways, dead for eons.

Nevertheless, they had been gifted spellcasters and craftsmen, and had left many wonders (magical and mundane) for the clever traveler to witness - provided he also avoided the equally clever mantraps laid throughout the complex... and that he didn't freeze to death, of course, in the chill weather of the island.

Avoiding a particularly-well-camouflaged self-resetting deadfall, which pounded an ancient skeleton into dust, Timulty found himself entering a vast subterranean cavern.  A truly massive throne, thirty feet tall if it was an inch, dominated the room, and seated on that throne, what could only be the largest golem Timulty had ever seen.  The flame of magical light still burned in its eyes, but it made no move to indicate that it had seen the mage... or that it cared that he was there.  He approached cautiously, but still there was no reaction from the colossus.

Having made it across the room to the throne, Keel set up camp at its base and started examining the massive golem.  The thing was, astonishingly, composed of mithril - he couldn't begin to estimate its cost - and had stunningly complex joints, particularly in the legs, which looked capable of savagely swift movement.  Moreover, as he began to examine the ages-old spells that still infused the metal monstrosity, he found them all intact.  With each spell he cast, with each measurement he made, he found himself more and more convinced that this golem was, after gods only knew how many years, still completely functional.

Finally, he scaled the side of the construct, to cast a number of searching spells at the head of the thing.  What he found there surprised him even more.  The golem had a living brain... preserved by mighty spells undimmed by the centuries, and likely extracted from a giant of monumental stature at the time of the thing's creation.  Perplexed, he sat down on the statue's shoulder and let his booted feet dangle over the edge, their heels making a ringing noise as they bounced off the gleaming metal.

"Why," he mused, "would the ancients create a construct with such intricate legs, and go to the trouble of giving it a living brain, if they didn't intend it to use them?"

As it happens, this was the first time he'd spoken a question aloud while studying the thing, and suddenly it stirred to life.  It rose from the chair, upsetting Timulty from his perch as it did so - only an expeditious Feather Fall cast by the plummeting mage saved him from an unpleasant landing.  The golem stood, so tall that its head nearly scraped the roof of the cavern, and paused - and appeared to be thinking!.  Its eyes dimmed for a second, then flared bright again.  It opened its mouth.

"They wouldn't!", it boomed... and sat down in the chair again and resumed its inactivity, leaving the answer to ring around the cavern.

"Of course!", cried the enlightened mage.  "It only stands to reason!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: miltonyorkcastle on July 27, 2007, 03:16:57 pm

.... awful.... puns.... melting.... brain.... gahhhhh............................

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on August 09, 2007, 03:05:32 am

One for Chongo, one of our new GMs!

Ketilbjorn opened his mailbox to find a letter from a prestigious Hempstead law firm, Ycleption & Gilrod. Since the dwarf could not remember doing anything worthy of a lawsuit and no foe in their right mind would consider suing, he opened the scroll. Inside, he found notification that his Uncle Ketiljuan had died, and the will mentioned Ketilbjorn.

The will stipulated that if Ketilbjorn changed his name and became old Ketiljuan's namesake, he would inherit millions upon millions of true.

The dwarf was stymied. He was already named after an uncle who he loved and respected.

Ketilbjorn went to his loving friends and tried to decide what was the moral, ethical and sane thing to do. Together, they all went to a judge of Rofirein to find out if a name change could be temporary, and discovered it could. The dwarf decided he would temporarily become "Ketiljuan".

The judge officiated the name change, and that evening the dwarf and his friends went to dinner with some new folks around the town whom he had never met.

They introduced the dwarf to the newcomers, who seemed puzzled to be meeting Ketiljuan instead of the Ketilbjorn they had heard so much about.

"Don't worry," his friends explained quickly, "He was Ketilbjorn yesterday, and he'll be Ketilbjorn again next week."

One of the newcomers replied, "Well, at least it was good that they made him keep the name for a week. I'd hate to think that there was Ketil Juan Bjorn every minute!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: darkstorme on August 09, 2007, 03:59:12 pm

*winces*

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on August 09, 2007, 07:04:02 pm

I concede that was quite bad. However, I make amends with;

Sallaron was packing for his next trip to the rift (many, many bandages and the like) and his little boy was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point he said,

"Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of his fingers.

Trying to keep him entertained, Sall reached out and stuck his tiny fingers in his mouth and said,

"Daddy's gonna eat your fingers. Yum, yum, yum" pretending to eat them.

Sall went back to packing after gracing his son with a loving smile, looked up again to see his son was standing on the bed staring at his fingers with a devastated look on his face.

Sall said, "What's wrong, my little guy?"

to which he replied, "What happened to my booger???"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Harlas Ravelkione on August 10, 2007, 02:02:02 am

*grins*

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: miltonyorkcastle on August 10, 2007, 04:08:10 pm

*shivers* ewwww

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Harlas Ravelkione on August 11, 2007, 03:48:49 am

"An orc captain was marching his entire army to attack Mount Norand. They were passing the ruins of an abandoned city when they heard a voice within the city's walls: "One dwarf is better than ten orc soldiers!" The captain was enraged and immediately sent ten of his best troops over the walls while the remainder of the company waited outside. Then came the sound of a terriffic fight going on, soon all was quiet. Then the voice spoke again: "One Dwarfen soldier is better than a hundred orc soldiers!" Well, the captain sent hundred of his best men over the walls. Soon came the sounds of fight and then silence. The voice spoke up again: "One Dwarfen soldier is better than a thousand orc soldiers!" The captain was furious. He immediately sent the remainder of his troops over the walls save only himself. There came the sound of a fierce battle, and then silence followed by the sound of a dwarf laughing. Finally, one lone orc stumbled back from the battle and collapsed at the captains feet. "Speak! What happened?" asked the captain. The soldier replied with his last breath. "It....was..a trap..there's... TWO ...of...them..."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on August 12, 2007, 07:54:20 pm

heheh, Not bad Harlas, not bad. Especially given you are European and thus not blessed with a natural sense of humour, I realise that was quite an effort! :)

*runs away*

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on August 16, 2007, 07:27:33 pm

Following a night out with a few friends, a pirate who made his home in the outskirts of Hurm brought them back to show off his new tent. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place just outside.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my speaking clock." the pirate replied.

"How does it work?"

"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the walls of Hurm screamed,

"For crying out loud, you **********, it's twenty to two in the ******* morning!!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: LordCove on August 19, 2007, 04:11:23 pm

Nice! hehe

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: jan on August 19, 2007, 05:07:37 pm

Quantum the groom and Barion his best man are standing at the alter, after Q's wedding practice. Q looks around and smiles to Barion. He wispers to Barion. You know there are only 3 women in this room I have not made love to. My Mom, my two sister. Q gives a big grin.

Barion starts to look around the room. Nodding his head from time to time. Finally Q asks Barion whats wrong? You have not sayed a word in a few mintues. Barion looks to Q, and says I have made love to every women in this room..

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: darkstorme on August 19, 2007, 07:44:18 pm

Um.. sure?

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on August 23, 2007, 07:45:09 pm

Ever wondered who lives in those farms of the Hempstead Fields?

John the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilise the eggs (for you city folks).

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favourite rooster was old Butch and a very fine specimen he was, too.

But on this particular morning, the sun shining for the first time in a very long time, John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result ... the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: darkstorme on August 23, 2007, 08:03:45 pm

*hands the crown back, wincing*

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Skywatcher on August 23, 2007, 08:06:43 pm

Well at least we know these jokes are original because no one would copy jokes that bad, especially when they are desperate for thanks.  :)

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: LynnJuniper on August 23, 2007, 08:07:21 pm

How do you come up with these...

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on August 24, 2007, 02:03:28 am

Quote from: LynnJuniper

How do you come up with these...

Well, first you come across a joke and then consider, "Is this even remotely amusing?" If so, discard it immediately as completely inappropriate for this thread.

If the answer was a resounding "Not in the slightest" then proceed as follows. Copy and paste the joke into this thread but replacing "An American, an Irishman and an Englishmen walk into a bar" with "Character A, Character B and Character C are walking through Hempstead Square". Replace modern day vehicular references with a wagon, horse or cart. Change mentions of God to Toran, the devil to Corath, edit out any (too) rude bits and presto!!!

Please don't ask for too many more of my secrets, I have so very little of worth to offer as it is.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on September 06, 2007, 08:07:23 pm

Eghaas gets onboard the ship from Leringard to Hurm. He takes a seat out of the way of the bustling sailors and is surprised to find a parrot strapping itself into the seat beside him preparing for the lengthy sea voyage.

The ship eventually gets underway. Firstly they pass through the sea of seahorses, then the sea of turtles, then the sea of octopi, the the sea of dolphins, finally the sea of sharks (italics added for scary effect). It is around this time the first mate approaches, an attractive woman swathed in leather, a cutlass strapped to her curvaceous hip.
"Aaargh, can I get you boys anything?"
Eghaas politely asks her, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, and she has the time, for a glass of grape juice, whereupon the parrot squawks, "Bring me a whiskey, ya scurvy wench."

The first mate, somewhat flustered, brings a whiskey to the parrot but forgets the grape juice.

When Eghaas, ever so politely, points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, "Get me another whiskey, ya scurvy wench!"

Quite upset, the first mate returns shortly with a whiskey for the parrot, but still no grape juice for Eghaas.

A little fliustered himself, Eghaas decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a grape juice, wench, now go and get it for me ... or else". With his threat, little sparks appear and dance alarmingly on his fingers.

In a couple of seconds, two burly sailors arrive, grab both Eghaas and the parrot, take them to the railing, and toss them out of the boat. As they're falling toward the shark infested waters, the parrot turns to Eghaas and says, "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're kind of mouthy."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on September 06, 2007, 08:53:29 pm

Deep, deep underground there exists a gnomish city of marvels. Air elemental powered air-balloons, a sophisticated magic-mouth telecommunications system, etc, etc.

Zupzupzandzawae, recently retired adventurer, had just been given a brand new job of steering the gargantuan stag beetle with chairs strapped to it's back - the pride and joy of the city's new public transport system.

His first job was to head to the granary district and pick up the passengers along the Street of Sesame Seeds.

And so it was, the first person he saw approaching his beetle was an extremely large gnomish woman.

Before she climbed aboard the beetle, Zup asks for her name. She replied,
"My name is Patty."
"Well, Patty, climb on board. You're my first passenger and we'll be leaving shortly."

The next passenger was a gnomish man, just as round as the woman, and wearing a large green suit. When asked his name by Zup (being friendly), he replied with a noticeable accent,
"To be sure, to be sure, my name is Patrick. My friends all call me 'Patty'."

"Patty, meet Patty. You two can get to know each other while I await several more passengers that I see coming."

The next passenger was a little gnomish boy, perhaps a trifle simple (intelligence 6).
"Hi, little boy. What's your name?"
"My name is Ross, and my parents tell me I'm special."
"Ross, I'm really glad to have a nice boy like you ride on my beetle today. Climb on, and we'll leave in just a minute."

The last person to approach the bus was a really strange looking gnome.
"Hello, sir. What's your name?"
In a surly manner the last gnome passenger answered,
"My name is Lester Creep!"
For lack of anything better to say, Zup told him,
"Lester, we're about to leave so please have a seat."

As he was began to steer the beetle away from the curb, Zup looked in his rear view mirror. Much to his horror, he saw Lester sitting there with his shoe off, picking at a bunion or something on his big toe. 'Oh, gross!' he thought. 'This is nothing like I thought it would be! There is no great honor! No glory! Just a bunch of weirdos'

He mulled it all over for a while, and then suddenly Zup began to smile. He thought to himself,
"Who would ever believe that, the first day on my new job I have two obese Patties, special Ross, and Lester Creep pickin' bunions on a Sesame Street Bug?!?!'

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: darkstorme on September 06, 2007, 09:08:20 pm

Contrived and anachronistic.  Shameful.

... and I was going to tell that one! :)

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Nyralotep on September 06, 2007, 10:51:09 pm

Heh, funny one!  :)

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Mooneyes on September 07, 2007, 07:35:30 pm

*laughs* Zup get's a Beetle?  I want a ride up hill both ways :)

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on September 13, 2007, 07:34:47 pm

During a visit to the temple of Lucinda to discuss their application for rank, Galen Tweed and Corba asked the High Priest what the criterion was which decided an applicant's admission ranking.
"Well," said the High Priest, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the applicant and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said Galan.
"A person you'd value highly would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Priest, "A person we'd value highly would pull the plug. Don't contact us, we'll contact you."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on September 20, 2007, 07:37:21 pm

Rowana was organising a fund raising event for the Leringard Orphanage. Auctions had been done, trips to Dregar organised with all proceeds going to help the kiddies, etc, what idea could she come up with next?
How about a fun run? A marathon for charity.
She approached Arkolio and enquiried whether he was interested in participating.
"Surely you've got to be kidding Row?" was his reply.
"Come on Ark, it's for the little kids, some of them maimed from the war, some of them sickly from the dark ages, some of them weak from malnutrition."
Ark thinks to himself,
"Okay, okay. Why not? I could win this."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on September 22, 2007, 12:49:38 am

Crafting

My first attempt at crafting was as a brewer in the Wild Surge Inn, but I got canned ... then I thought i'll switch to the softer beverages but same result, just couldn't concentrate.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it ... mainly because it was a so-so job. Then I tried to be a foodie - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I then attempted to be a worker churning out food for the Leringard Inn, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

Then I took to the forests of Layo as a wood crafter, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

Next was an attempt at the footwear side of tailoring; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

So ... then I thought my character is pretty strong (though possessing an average constitution) maybe he can collect the ore for others, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find the right craft for me I finally thought scribing! In particular scrolls of lost lore until I realised there was no future in it.

I thought about maybe just making healing kits, but I didn't have any patience.

My next-to-last idea was being an instrument maker, but eventually I found that skill just wasn't noteworthy.

Finally I tried fishing only to discover that I couldn't live on my net income.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: darkstorme on September 22, 2007, 02:33:16 am

Owowowowowowow!

Is there any way to give anti-thanks? ;)

I've already had enough puns for tonight, mercy!

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on September 30, 2007, 09:42:52 pm

Clarissa, Rose and Kalin get captured by some vicious little pygmies in the jungles of Alibor. The head pygmy comes to them and says,

"The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, then we'll eat you, and then we'll use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

Clarissa says,
"Very well, I choose to die by the weapon of Almighty Toran, hand me a longsword!"

The pygmy gives her a longsword, Clarissa cries "For the All Watching!" and runs herself through.

Rose says,
"A mace for me, please. As a cleric, we prefer a non-edged weapon."

The pygmy hands her a mace which Rose takes, says, "Toran take your servant!", and thwacks herself across the head.

Kalin's turn and he says,
 
"Gimme a fork."

The pygmy is puzzled, but shrugs and gives him a fork. Kalin takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over - the stomach, sides, chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing all over the place, itis horrible.

The pygmy is appalled and asks, "What in the hells?!?!? What are you doing?"

Kalin sneers and says, "Ha! So much for your canoe!!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: darkstorme on October 10, 2007, 01:50:53 pm

A human, and elf, and a half-orc were walking by Vehl, when they heard a cheer from the docks.  Strolling down there, they were astonished to see a huge pavilion had been erected.  After some inquiries, they were informed that, as a part of a celebration of the return of the sun, the tradition of Mistone/Alindor sporting tournaments had been resurrected, and men and women from both continents were inside competing in great feats of athleticism.

Not wanting to miss the spectacle, the three asked to be let in, only to be informed that the tickets had sold out a week before, and there was simply no more room.  Disappointed, the three turned to leave, when the elf espied a stack of unfinished quarterstaves, discarded outside of the craft hall.  Inspired, he snatched one up, and returned to the gate.

"Look, I told you, there aren't any more tickets!" the gatekeeper said.

"No, no, you misunderstand," said the elf, "I'm one of the athletes.  Pole vaulting, representing Port Hempstead!"

The gatekeeper apologized and let the elf in.  Watching this, the other two started looking for their own excuses.  The human found his over by the blacksmith.  A nearly-round hunk of metal had been left behind - clearly intended, at one point, to be a mace, before the smith had given up.  Hefting his prize, he trotted back to the pavilion.  "Representin' Lyn, shot-put!" he cried, before the gatekeeper could even open his mouth.  Wordlessly, the man let him in.

Desperate now to follow his friends, the half-orc scoured the city for an excuse, but it seemed bare of discarded trifles.  Finally, outside the gates, he found a farmer repairing the pickets about his field, and his prop at last.

The gatekeeper looked up at the sound of footfalls, and saw the half-orc trotting happily towards him, rolling a bundle of barbed wire.  "What on earth..?" the man began.

"Um.. representin' Fort Vehl," the half-orc said proudly, "fencin'!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Stephen_Zuckerman on October 10, 2007, 04:06:12 pm

Grok come Vehl. Grok fence.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on October 11, 2007, 08:13:36 pm

Shiff loses one of his arms in a terrible battle with a trolloc. He became very depressed because ... well, everything he loved to do involved using two arms. How could he be anywhere near as effective a warrior with only one arm?

One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to end it all. He climbed the highest spire of the Temple of Deliar in Hempstead with the intention of jumping off. There he was, standing on the ledge looking down when he sees this man in the square below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. Shiff looks a bit closer and notices this man doesn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, 'what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself?' I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping across the square happy as can be and going on with his life.

Shiff hurries down and catches up to the man with no arms. He tells him how glad he is to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanks him again for saving his life and he now knows he can make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms. The man with no arms begins dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.

Shiff asks,
"Why are you so happy anyway?"
The no-arm man answers,
"Happy!? I'm NOT happy! My bottom is itchy!!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on October 18, 2007, 11:06:31 pm

The four Drago brothers, Bill, Hank, Chuck and Michaelis left home to find their fame and fortune ... and they became successful wizards and bards and paladins and the like and all prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in Belinara.

Bill said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
Hank said, "I had a hundred thousand true stage built in the house. She loves music."
Chuck said, "I had my friend in Orc's Watch deliver the finest steed money could buy."
Michaelis said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Word of Toran and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met this priest in the new Cathedral who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire dogma. It took twenty clerics 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute 100,000 true a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. Bloody Michaelis, no wonder he was a WL.

After the holidays Mama Drago sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Bill, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Hank, you give me an expensive stage with fine musicians, it is fir for royalty, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Chuck, I am too old to travel. I stay at home; I have my food delivered, so I never use the horse. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Dearest Michaelis, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on October 18, 2007, 11:40:02 pm

A filthy rich Katherian nobleman decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Varka, the token dwarven redneck from nearby Bloody Gate. He held the party around the pool to the rear of his mansion.

Varka was having a good time drinking ale, dancing, eating lobster, caviar, etc and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host says,
"I have a CR20 Great White Shark in my pool and I'll give a million true to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Varka in the pool! Varka was fighting the shark and ... lo and behold, he was winning! Varka was jabbing the shark in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the shark on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Jennara-esque martial arts guru. The water was churning and splashing every where. Both Varka and the shark were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Varka strangled the shark and let it float to the top like a one-true store goldfish. Varka then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Varka, I reckon I owe you a million true."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Varka.
The nobleman said, "I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million true then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Varka.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new mithril axe and a ring of regeneration?"
Again Varka said no.
Confused, the rich nobleman asked, "Well, Varka, then what do you want?"
Varka said, "I just want the name of the person that pushed me in!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: darkstorme on October 19, 2007, 02:53:53 pm

Galan Iraes was a paragon of Paladin discipline, but he had a peculiarity.  Every Freas, he would wander down to the Leringard Arms, and order three pints of Iron Hammer Bock, drawn at once.  He would then sit down in a corner booth, and sip at all three while skimming a scroll of notices or scribing something of his own.

One Freas in Augra, Hardragh, moved by curiosity, asked the inevitable question when handing over the three pint glasses.  "Y'know, the beer goes flat if you let it sit.  Why not let me draw them for you one at a time?"

Galan gathered in the beers and looked across he bar at the man.  "When I was a lad, two of my older brothers would take me out to the bar, and we'd each have a draft.  One's on Dregar, now, operating out of North Point, and another's doing Toran's work in Arnax, so this one's for me", indicating the beer, "and these two are for them."  Everyone at the bar agreed it was a fine tradition, and Galan retired with his beers to his usual table.

This continued, until nearly a year later, the following Mai, when Galan again came into the Arms.  "Two Iron Hammer Bocks, if you would, Hardragh."  A hush fell over the bar, and a few people turned their heads to look sorrowfully at the blue-and-gold clad figure.

Galan took his drinks to his table, but by and by Hardragh wandered by.  "Look," he said uncomfortably, "I just thought I'd offer my condolences."

Galan looked puzzled for a second, then looked down at the beers, and understanding dawned.  "Oh, no need to worry," he said.  "Mirrim's made me give up drinking - Aeridin frowns on ingesting poisons, it seems."

Hardragh was puzzled.  "But, the beers..."

"Oh!" Galan said, "My brothers are under no such restriction."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on October 19, 2007, 06:47:07 pm

Aeridin frowns on ingesting poisons?? You sure?? (http://forums.layonara.com/trade-market-hall/112267-aeridinite-friendly-non-lethal-battle-accoutrements-here.html)

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: jecklar on October 19, 2007, 11:22:39 pm

// With apologies to my very own character...
 
 Q:  How many paladins does it take to shingle a temple?
 
 A:  Only seven, but you have to slice them really thin.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Stephen_Zuckerman on October 20, 2007, 12:16:01 am

Considering that Aeridin's all about the purity of life, now, rather than just the Cycle, I think that the use of poisons by beings who don't physically secrete their own would fall under the things he doesn't like. :)

And Jecklar. That's awesome.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on October 28, 2007, 08:46:41 pm

Storold is sitting on his front step staring morosely at the ground when his neighbour strolls over. The neighbour tries to start a conversation several times, but Storold barely responds. Finally, the neighbour asks what the problem is.
"Well," says Storold, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."
"What was the question?" the neighbour asks.
"Mylindra asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," says the neighbour.
"You just say, -Of course I will.-"
"Yeah," says Storold,
"That's what I meant to say. But what came out was, -Of course I do.-"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on November 09, 2007, 07:27:34 pm

Argali and Arynne were walking along the path to the Ire Mountains one very cold night when they spy a baby skunk lying at the side of the road. They hurry over to see if it was still alive. It was, and Argalia says to her travelling companion,

"Itz nearly frozen to deathz it iz. Canz we take it with uz, get itz warm, and let it go in ze morning?"
Arynne says, "Sure, the poor thing is almost frozen to death."
"Where shallz I putz it to get it warmz?"
Arynne says, "Put it inside your vest. It should be nice and warm there."
"But what about ze smell?"
"Just hold its nose."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on November 09, 2007, 07:31:22 pm

A man walks into the Leringard Inn fancy dress party, completely naked with a naked woman on his back. Kali, somewhat concerned approaches and says,
"Pardon me Sir, no costume, no admittance"
"But I am in costume" he counters.
"What have you come as?"
"I'm a tortoise", says the man.
"Well why have you got a naked woman on your back?" asks Kali.
"That's not a woman - its Michelle" says the man.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Stephen_Zuckerman on November 09, 2007, 11:36:38 pm

I don't get it.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Acacea on November 10, 2007, 12:18:22 am

(Tortoise... michelle...m'shell...)

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Stephen_Zuckerman on November 10, 2007, 12:45:15 am

*Groans and dies.*

You made a pun I didn't get. For this, you lose your joking license.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Marswipp on November 11, 2007, 01:31:12 pm

Quote from: Acacea

(Tortoise... michelle...m'shell...)

"My shell"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on November 22, 2007, 12:24:30 am

I'm really happy with how that last joke went .. it's generally agreed that jokes are much funnier when they're explained anyway. If you need this next one explained, feel free to PM me!

Once upon a recent time, there was a dwarven adventurer named Fenrir who showed no fear when facing his enemies. There came a day, while carving his way through the rift, one of his companions spotted a party of vicious dark elves approaching, and the small party became very nervous about their impending doom. Brave Fenrir bellowed, "Bring me ma' red breastplate!"

His mate quickly retrieved the Fenrir's red breastplate, and while wearing the brightly coloured armour, Fenrir led his companions into battle and defeated the dangerous dark elves. That evening, back on the surface, all the adventurers sat around recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked Fenrir, "Fenrir? Why did ye call fer yur red breastplate before battle?"

Fenrir replied, "Laddie, If I were to be wounded in the fight, the plate would nay show me blood. Thus, you lads would keep up tha fight, nay afraid."

All of the party sat and marvelled at the courage of such a dwarfly dwarf's dwarf. As the sun rose the next morning, the CNR respawned and the party heaed down again and again they reach the site of the dark elf spawn. This time however they discover a GM has been at work and there is not double, not treble, but TEN times the amount of dark elves as normal rushing to attack. The party stared in worshipful silence at Fenrir and wait for his usual orders.

Fenrir gazed with steely eyes upon the vast army of dark elves arrayed against him and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me ma' brown pants."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Stephen_Zuckerman on November 22, 2007, 12:41:15 am

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA i'm totally doing that with Cutter

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Acacea on November 22, 2007, 12:44:12 am

Hee hee.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Falonthas on November 22, 2007, 10:44:47 am

that was good

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on November 22, 2007, 05:37:39 pm

Zupzupzandzawae is working on his beetle bus (http://forums.layonara.com/601432-post81.html) and collecting tickets. He rings the bell to signal the beetle is about to set off while there's a gnomish lady still getting on the giant bug. Zup sets off, the gnomish lady falls from the beetle and is killed underneath it's giant feet.

At the trial Zup is sent down for murder and seeing as it's a city governed by Rofireinite law he's sent to the electric chair. Yes, they have electric chairs, read on. On the day of his execution he's strapped in the chair and the Judge of Rofirein grants him a final wish.

"Well" says Zup, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes" answers the Rofireinite.
"Can I have that green banana?" Zup asks.
The Rofireinte gives Zup his green banana and waits until he's eaten it. When Zup has finished, the judge motions to the two clerics standing by who cast their call lightning spells down upon him. When the smoke clears he is still alive! The judge can't believe it.

"Can I go?" Zup asks.
"I suppose so" says the judge, "that's never happened before."

Zup leaves and eventually gets his job back on the beetle. A few days into it he again rings the bell for the beetle to go when people are still getting on. This time an elderly gnomish gent falls under the bug and is killed. Zup is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.

The judge of Rofirein is determined to do it right this time so calls in a dozen of Rofi's finest clerics. Zup is again strapped in the chair.

"What is your final wish?" asks the judge.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned adventurer. The judge sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. Zup eats the banana all up and the judge again motions to the clerics.

A veritable storm of lightning bolts rain down upon poor little Zup. When the smoke clears Zup is still there smiling in the chair. The judge can't believe it and lets him go.

Well, would you believe, Zup gets his job back on the giant beetle. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again.

The judge summons all the clerics of Rofirein and calls in some mages for their chain lightnings and a few druids as well for good measure, determined to get his gnome this time. Zup sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish?" asks the judge.
"Well" says Zup, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"
The judge hands over his banana and Zup eats it all, skin included. The judge motions and a zillion lightning bolts rain down on little Zup. When the smoke rises he is still there, alive, without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the judge, "I don't understand. How you can still be alive after all that?" He strokes his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?"

"Nah" says Zup ... "I'm just a really bad conductor."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Stephen_Zuckerman on November 22, 2007, 06:14:13 pm

You and your beetle bus. *Chuckles.*

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on November 30, 2007, 09:48:06 pm

It's a sunny morning in the Forest of Fog and the Dire Bear family is just waking up. Baby Dire Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Dire Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mummy Dire Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,

"For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mummy Dire Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Dire Bear who woke everybody else in the cave up. It was Mummy Dire Bear who cleaned the bones from the over-confident adventurers last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Dire Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the Dragon's Whisper. It was Mummy Dire Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Dire Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, you'd better listen real good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the porridge yet!!!!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: darkstorme on November 30, 2007, 11:47:02 pm

Three priests were slated for execution in Prantz, having been discovered (separately) to possess material with intent to undermine Lord Rael's rule.  On the day immediately preceding the execution, the three were tossed in a cell together.  Their looming deaths notwithstanding, priests are priests, and they set to arguing whose god was the greatest.

The first, a human, was a Corathite.  Tattooed with black ink in patterns that made the eyes hurt even to look at, he sneered at the other two in his cell.  "The Black Sun could brush your paltry excuses for gods away at his leisure!", he boasted.  "Count yourselves fortunate that He hasn't yet deigned to do so!"

The second, an elf, and an Aragenite, scoffed.  "Perhaps you're familiar with the phrase, 'Knowledge is power', you trumped up little cretin?  Corath knows of nothing but destruction.  The Lord of Knowledge wields ultimate power."

The third, a gnome, bounced about as if brimming with energy, despite their imprisonment.  "You'rebothwrong, it'sGoranwho'smostpowerful!  Hecanmakeanythinghewants, andhecouldeasilycontriveamechanismtoeliminateeitherofyourmasters."

After the gnome caught his breath, the three managed to come to an agreement.  Before their execution, each would do their utmost to prove, as a representative of their deity, that theirs was, indeed, the greatest.

First to the guillotine was the Corathite.  As his neck was placed in the notch, he snarled imprecations at the crowd, the executioner... virtually anyone.  The headsman pulled the lever... and the blade did not fall.  "See!", cried the man.  "My Master is the Lord of Death - if I am not cast into the darkness by this blade, it must be that He does not wish it, and intercedes on my behalf!  Cower, brief mortals, for you face the wrath of Corath, should you again make an attempt on my life!"

While the executioners were not deeply pious men themselves, this seemed serious.  They let the man go, and he grinned triumphantly up at the other two as he headed for the city gates.

The Aragenite was a bit put out by this, but as he mounted the stage, and his head was forced down, his fertile mind was at work.  The headsman pulled the switch... and again, the blade did not fall.  His mind blazing with inspiration, the elf launched into a diatribe, focusing on a footnote to a chapter of the Prantz legal code, that even the lawmakers had to look up.  The priest's exhaustive knowledge of the code, however, left the officials so hopelessly befuddled that they had no choice but to set him free.  He smiled beatifically as he strode towards the gate, sparing a glance for the gnome, left alone on the grandstand.

The Goranite was quite concerned now, that he might not make a proper showing of himself.  After all, the other two had drawn on their deity's baliwicks so effectively - how could he hope to match their performance?  As they laid him down, his neck through the notch, he looked upwards at the glittering blade.. and started to laugh!  The executioners, understandably nonplussed, asked what it was that he found so amusing?

"Those fools!", he laughed.  "Thinking they're so clever, or so powerful.  Any Goranite worth his salt could tell you that all you need to do is replace that spring up there, and the blade release mechanism will work perfectly!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: LightlyFrosted on December 01, 2007, 12:49:22 pm

A half orc walks into a bar.

Ouch.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: LightlyFrosted on December 02, 2007, 11:21:19 pm

Okay.  I've got to redeem myself here...

Jimble Thornmallow, a very old male halfling, is on his deathbed, age one hundred and thirty-two.  Beside him is his wife, Dotty, to whom he has been married for some eighty years.  He's surrounded by relatives, and he gazes into the eyes of his wife, and begins to speak.

"Dotty..  you've been my wife for eighty years and change.  Through every bit, thick and thin, you've been by my side."  He takes a drink of water, then continues.

"When the war with Bloodstone began, and I went out as a merchant sailor on one of the warships, you were by my side whenever you could be.  When our business was robbed, you clung tight to me, and re-assured me that everything was going to be alright.  When they slew Blood, and that big cloud blotted out the sun, you held my hands all day, as we wondered if the world was coming to an end.  And now, Dotty, here I am, dying in bed, and you're still right here by my side."

The halfling manages something that's more of a smile than a wince.  "Dotty..  You're a jinx."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: darkstorme on December 03, 2007, 12:17:36 am

'Tis said that Storold Doesscha, great Protector of the Weave and wizard of tremendous acumen, recently took an acolyte of Lucinda out camping, to familiarize him with the manifold connections between Nature and the Weave.

They lit a campfire, and Storold lectured the lad on the ethics of power, and that all magic is done to glorify Lucinda, whatever its secondary purpose.  Then they pitched their tent and bedded down for the night.

The acolyte awoke, to find it still dark, at an insistent prodding at his side.  He turned to see that Storold had awakened him.  "W-*yawn*-what is it, Protector?", he asked.

Storold pointed to the sky above them.  "Lad, you see those stars above us?  What do they mean to you?"

Thinking it a test, the acolyte thought quickly.  "Well, I see the Circle of Eight has moved into a prominent position - this bodes well for our Lady in future troubles amongst the gods."  He thought for a second further, "On a grander scale, I suppose that the Dragons came from out there someplace, and so we can only assume that Dragons live throughout the skies... and as Dragons are, in their very nature, magical, so too our Lady's reach must extend beyond this single planet."  Finally, considering the subjects under discussion earlier, he added, "Also, that we can see the constellations at all suggests that tomorrow will be clear, and a pleasant day."  He turned to Storold, hoping he had answered the question correctly.

"All very good," the Protector nodded, "But what the fact that we can see the constellations at all truly suggests... is that someone has stolen our tent."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on December 13, 2007, 06:29:18 pm

// If I get banned for this, please remember me by my good work in other threads. //

One of the vampires from Arindor's Demise wandered past the mercenaries ... past the gnolls ... straight into the township of Haven. It being a pretty long walk (on the map if not in game) and not having enjoyed a meal since the party of level <10 adventurers that came in last week, he was very glad when a Lt Jursen, visiting from Fort Llast wandered past him. It didn't take the vampire long to grab Jursen, drag him up into the nearby hills and suck every drop of blood out of him. Now the vampire was faced with a problem.
"How do I dispose of this body?" he wondered.
The only solution he could come with was to throw the new corpse down to the town below.
"I'm so high up, they'll never trace the body back to me. Ha ha!" he cackled. So *whoosh* down went the corpse.

It just so happens that right below that spot was the customary station of an itinerant street singer. BANG! The singer got hit right on his noggin by the falling body and was knocked unconscious. Alarmed by the commotion Officer Kit runs up the mountain to investigate.

Ten minutes later the she arrives and the vampire attacks! Again, afterwards, the fearsome undead wondered,
"How do I get rid of the body?" and then thought, "Well, it worked once and, in fact, brought me another meal. Why not again?"

So down the hill went his latest victim. At that moment the street singer below had just regained consciousness and was wondering what the heck was going on. His consciousness didn't last long, however, as he was instantly knocked out cold by the vampire's second victim.

Some time later the singer woke up and saw that a small crowd had gathered around. As he regained his bearings, one of the onlookers asked,
"What happened here?"
"It's terrible," sang the street singer.

"Drained cops keep falling on my head!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Stephen_Zuckerman on December 13, 2007, 06:34:21 pm

That's just too terrible. You fail. Forever.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Acacea on December 13, 2007, 07:28:37 pm

Ughhhhh. *Falls down dead.*

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: darkstorme on December 13, 2007, 08:50:38 pm

Now, many people wake in Vehl (or go to bed after a long night of muggings, stabbings, and dirty dealings) to the sound of the bell in the Rofireinite chapel tolling to the morning's light.

Few people, however, realize that an aged halfling, Thornwait Twinkletoes, once a cleric of Rofirein before he suffered a crippling injury that made it difficult to walk, let alone stand for a whole sermon, or worse, adventure, lives in the bell tower.  He took the job of ringing the bell regularly, every day.  However, he was getting too old to do his job, so he put out an ad in the Harpy for a replacement.

A human showed up the first day.  Peering up at the human, Thornwait said, "Don't tell me your name, sonny.. we'll have to see if you fit the bill before we get all formal-like.  You ever rung a bell before?"

"No sir, but I try hard."

"Hmph.  We'll see."  The halfling led the tall man up the stairs into the bell tower.  "Now, y'see here, we've only got the one rope.  It's right next to the bell, so you'll have to duck when you pull it, got it?"

"Got it!"

"Alright, let's see you ring this thing."  The human grabbed the rope, and pulled hard.  And forgot to duck.  He turned just in time to see the bell swinging towards him like the claw of the Gold.  With a resounding *BONNNG*, the heavy bronze hit him square in the face and knocked him out through the bell tower's window.  He fell, screaming, and died on impact.

The guard hurried over, just as Thornwait made his painful way out of the church.  "Mr. Twinkletoes - do you know this man?"

The halfing looked at the fallen man and shook his head. "I dunno his name.. but his face rings a bell!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: LightlyFrosted on December 13, 2007, 09:01:03 pm

The next day, a guy who looks just like the first human appears, having heard that the position of ringer of the bells is once again open.  Again, Thornwait Twinkletoes gives him the same safety advice as the first fellow, and the new bell-ringer nods, irritably, stating that surely he, who had seen the rather macabre lesson the blood of the first man had written, would be wiser and safer.

It is not long after that, as such stories go, that he dies in the same way as the first man, horribly and gruesomely.

At this point, the guard returns, and glances down at the halfling.  "Well, Twinkletoes?  Did you happen to get this fellow's name?"

"Nope.  But he's a dead ringer for the other guy."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Stephen_Zuckerman on December 13, 2007, 09:25:36 pm

I love you both.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on December 13, 2007, 09:52:36 pm

// What?? You give them internet platonic man-love for their jokes and I get groans for mine???? //

After Zup's unfortunate tragedies involving his beetle bus he rethinks his retirement. Perhaps he was a little hasty. Although saddened to leave his job he looks forward to strapping on his pack once more and aiding his fellow Dragon-called with their new problems.

Well, Zup's gargantuan beetle didn't take the news of his departure very well at all. In fact, the giant beetle was so enraged that Zup was leaving, especially after they had sorted out all their 'issues' that it went on a wild rampage through the gnome city injuring all those who got in it's way. Eventually, after exhausting all their ideas on how to pacify the raging insect, the city constabulary called Zup back to try to placate it somehow. Did he have any better luck? Nope, he stood in front of the angry beetle attempting his animal empthy check and it just trampled the poor gnome underfoot.

The following day, Zup went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the proceeding day and how he sustained such a multitude of injuries.

"Tell me Doc" said Zup, cradling a suspected broken arm, "Am I going to be okay?"
"Fine, fine" the doctor replied, looking him over.

"There's just a nasty bug going around."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Skywatcher on December 13, 2007, 11:02:22 pm

*looking around at the bodies on the floor after Pseudonym's last joke thanking Toran for her powerful fortitude, Clarissa reads his latest creation and promptly falls down dead*

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Falonthas on December 14, 2007, 12:01:17 pm

ok i was fine until the comment about platonic man love that could only come from a pink shirt

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Stephen_Zuckerman on December 14, 2007, 03:47:38 pm

Well, I guess that spells the end of the Beetle Bus.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Fatherchaos on December 14, 2007, 04:21:47 pm

// This is a bit of jest towards Jennara some time ago. The rp interaction of Dur'Thak and her had me in tears.


Dur'Thak was wandering deep into territory he had never been to before. His meticulous maps and research had indicated a rare resource might be found that he sought to study for it's alchemical properties.

However, his search was not proving as fruitful as he had hoped. Already he had searched for days, slinking amongst the shadows, and his spells nearly spent. By chance he happened upon a small settlement, and against his better judgment decided to see if he could glean any information from the locals.

He straightened his tail, flicked off various bits of gore from his armor, and tried to make himself appear as friendly as a gruesomely clad, well armed and irritable Tiefling could appear.

He practiced a smile for a bit, then simply gave up in frustration, realizing that he never showed his face anyways. To prepare himself for the task ahead he repeated over and over in his mind that "Primes are people too." He didn't believe his own words, but felt it might take the edge off for just a moment.

Carefully, Dur'Thak located two townspeople sitting on a log away from the others. Their garb was plain and their features calm and relaxed.

Dur'Thak let out an audible hiss as he approached and tried to act as friendly as he knew how.

"Greetingssss, primesssss."

The two individuals looked at each other and responded. "Well, yes, two is a prime number."

Dur'Thak blinked, confused for a moment, then continued.

"Eh ssseek 'eh cant 'er keeper on 'eh local top-sssshelf ssssparkle."

The two individuals looked at each other again and responded, "The inn is further into town, and the local merchant can be found just north of there, though his prices don't really shine."

Dur'Thak blinked, again confused, then continued.

"'eh ye twigged 'eh trade 'eh bit-o-cant fer ssssome jinx?"

The two individuals looked at each other again and responded, "I'm sorry sir, but we have no need of twigs and no canteen to offer you. Now that you remind us, we haven't played Jinx since we were kids."

Dur'Thak blinked, again confused, and a bit angry. He hissed inwardly, trying to calm his nerves, and began to lash his tail sharply.

The two individuals looked at each other again and responded, "Sir, if you could, we're allergic to cats, and I don't think it's in the best interests of your pet to keep the poor creature packed in your back pocket."

Dur'Thak blinked, again confused and even more enraged. He threw his hands into the air and expelled a stream of curses.

"Blexing clueless!" Dur'Thak shouted

To which the two individuals interjected, "Wisdom is in admitting a lack of knowledge, good sir"

Dur'Thak continued his tirade, "ye've got all 'yer wormsssss laughed out 'eh yer cage, barmy apple-chasssssersss all!"

to which the two individuals again interjected, "Sir, our pardon but we are not farmers and would prefer not to have worms with our apples. Many would not find such a situation amusing."

Barely aware of the two individuals response, Dur'Thak continued. "Yer 'ohle ssssodding back-ring sssshould take to a sssstyx sssswim!"

Again the two individuals interjected, "sir, neither have we a jeweler or a need to go swimming. And we're not particularly certain why would sticks be needed to do either."

"A canoe would be be a better choice." One of the individuals added, to which the other nodded in agreement.

Dur'Thak paused, blinked a few times, hissed loudly, and finally threw his hands up in protest.

"XAOSSSS!" He shouted.

"No sir, we have no houses for sale. We are but a collection of humble monks and their families."

Dur'Thak stood silent and still, his tail falling limp behind him. He was utterly defeated and at a total loss of insults to hurl at the individuals. Quietly he sank off into the distance, attempting to get as far away from the two as possible.

Later that night one of the Monks told the tale of the strange encounter to his wife.

"I met the strangest person today. He had a cat in his mouth and a lizard in his back pocket. He thought we were farmers and asked if there was a local merchant and inn. Apparently, he wanted to initially trade some twigs for a canteen. When he discovered we did not have a canteen to trade, nor would we accept twigs, he asked if there was a jeweler or if we would like to go for a swim. Again, he offered some branches in return. We had no need or want for either and informed him so. Finally he asked for a house."

The monks Wife turned and looked at her husband thoughtfully.

"This is most curious. He sought to exchange branches in payment, and kept a cat and lizard on him at all times?" The wife said thoughtfully.

The husband nodded.

The wife then continued, "I guess they let anyone be a druid these days."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Falonthas on December 14, 2007, 06:32:24 pm

doh!!

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Fatherchaos on December 17, 2007, 09:59:34 pm

*Pokes his head in and looks around for more of Pseudonym (http://forums.layonara.com/../members/pseudonym.html)'s clever jokes, but only hears an audible "bump" nearbye :)*

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on December 18, 2007, 12:58:12 am

// Wow! Someone asked me for a joke? I guess I better pull out an extra special effort. //

A frog goes into the Temple of Deliar and approaches the teller in the bank bit off to the right hand side. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, the frog says,

"Mrs Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says,

"30,000 true."

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Abal Terser, my dad is a Xorn, and that it is okay, that he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that 30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that the frog will need to secure some asset against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says,

"Sure. I have this"

and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says,

"There is a frog called Abal Terser out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow 30,000 true. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant.

"I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says,

"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: darkstorme on December 18, 2007, 03:55:36 am

// A joke is requested from Pseudo, and not from me?  I'm almost insulted!
// Here's one anyway. :)
// Edit:  That is possibly the oldest joke I know, Pseud.  I laughed anyway. :)

Now, with Sall back to being his old self, Tegan was feeling in a celebratory mood.  So she decided to buy herself a pet.  Being practical about these things (pet-buying, anyway), she decided that she'd seek out a pet that was both useful (as a guard) and loving (as a pet).  In other words, a dog.

So, off she went to the pet store.  In she walked, and saw the proprietor standing behind the counter.  "Hi there!" she said brightly.  "I'm looking for a pet dog who can also guard my house."

The proprietor looked her up and down.  "I have a mastiff..." he said cautiously.

"No, no..." she interrupted. "Something a little more unusual.  A domesticated Hill Hound, perhaps?"

The proprietor seemed lost for a moment, then he brightened.  "I know just the dog!" he cried, and nipped into the back of the store.  When he came back, Tegan nearly burst out laughing.  He was leading a dog which, though cute, was possibly the scrawniest specimen she'd ever seen.

"How is that going to be a guard dog?" she asked, shaking with barely repressed laughter.

"He has an innate ability that I think you might be interested in," said the proprietor enigmatically.  He vanished into the back of the store again, and brought out a medium-sized box.  He set it down in front of the dog, and opened the flap.  Immediately, a monstrous spider leapt out of the box and scuttled towards him.  Unconcerned, the man looked at the dog, pointed to the spider, and said, "Petrify the spider!"

The dog stared at the spider, and mid-scuttle, the arachnid turned to stone.

Tegan stopped laughing and stared.  "That's amazing!" she cried.

The proprietor nodded proudly, and set a houseplant down next to the spider statue.  He pointed at the plant.  "Petrify the plant!"  The dog stared, and the leaves changed from glossy green to dull grey.

This was enough for Tegan.  "I'll take him!" she said, and paid on the spot.   When she got home, she called out, "Sall, come see!  I bought us a guard dog!"

Sallaron came down to see... and nearly did a doubletake.  "That is our new guard dog?" he asked incredulously.  "That thing couldn't guard itself!"

"Oh, but this is a special dog," Tegan protested. "It can Petrify things!"

Sallaron chuckled, shaking his head.  "I can't believe you fell for a story like that!  Of all the crazy ideas... Petrify, my arse!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Stephen_Zuckerman on December 19, 2007, 12:06:06 pm

Well, time to try my hand at this. I apologize in advance; my own touch on this one was light.


Tyrian and Creighton Dallorius, now getting well on in age, were having problems with their memories, so they decided to go to their town's cleric to get checked out, and make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the temple, they explained to the cleric about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, he told them that they were physically okay, but might want to start writing things down; make notes and the like to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while reading by the fireplace, Crieghton got up from his chair and Tyrian asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of strawberries?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down, so you can remember it?"

He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some sugar on top. You had better write that down, because I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of strawberries with sugar."

She replied, "Well I also would like cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the former paladin returned from the kitchen, and handed his wizardess a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Falonthas on December 19, 2007, 12:31:01 pm

rofl!!!!

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: merlin34baseball on December 20, 2007, 06:54:49 pm

Hey Tyrian is half elven... she's not that senile....

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: lonnarin on January 02, 2008, 05:10:41 pm

Q: What did the vampire say when he entered the Diabetes Clinic?
A: I didn't know they came in sweet & unsweetened!

Q: What did the vampire say when he entered the pediatric ward?
A: I didna know they came in half-pints!

Q: What did the vampire say when he entered the mortuary?
A: Ugh! Send it back, this one has gone past its expiration date!

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on January 04, 2008, 12:26:40 am

A couple of adventurers, one human and one with a teeny tiny trace of elven blood were dismayed when they learned of Aeridin's withdrawal of His blessing (http://forums.layonara.com/character-submissions/125592-half-races.html) that allowed half-blood babies. So, they decided to adopt ... after many months their long wait to adopt a baby finally came to an end. The Hempstead adoption centre sent a bird and told them that they had a wonderful elven baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local Crimson Eagle square and cornered the first elf they encountered to teach them elven . He of course agreed without question (http://forums.layonara.com/roleplaying/154732-learning-elven-rp-excuses-vs-rp-reasons-food-thought.html). The obliging elf inquired, "You realise this whole process might take 2 or 3 weeks ... Whatever possessed you to study elven?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted an elven baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Lalaith Va'lash on January 04, 2008, 12:30:25 am

Oh.. your so bad, Pseudo.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: ycleption on January 04, 2008, 03:02:41 am

You know, that would be funny, if there weren't people who actually were that ignorant.... My littlest sister is adopted, and believe me, thinking that she would grow up speaking Korean is not the strangest thing people have thought...

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: darkstorme on January 09, 2008, 04:54:58 pm

Penn Skitterwald, halfling-about-town, developed a very successful textile trading business in Khemit.  So successful, in fact, that the business quickly outgrew the limited trading pool that ran through the town, and he made the decision to pack up and move to Port Hempstead.

Now, being a halfling, when he moved, he brought his family.  All of them, including (despite his better judgment), his wife's mother's family.  Why against his better judgement?  Because that family included Lucretia Dapplegreen(no relation, they always humbly said), his wife's mother's sister.

Lucretia was a lovely woman, a champion cook, and kind and sweet to everyone - except for Skitterwald's own mother's sister, Dewleanne.  The two women hated each other from almost the moment they set eyes on one another.  And chief among their battlegrounds was the kitchen - specifically, the bake oven.  The two women were both icily polite, and it would never come to blows or namecalling... but each was determined to outdo the other - and both were champion piemakers.

The Skitterwald family had little to complain about in this; the rivalry resulted in more and better pies than any halfling family could hope for.  It was, however, ruining the normally happy atmosphere that pervaded the family kitchen.  More and more, it became a contest, a battlefield... not a hearth.

Penn hoped that the move to Hempstead would resolve the issues; instead, it exacerbated them.  The new house had a better kitchen, and the pies of contention grew better and better, the rivalry intensifying.  It would have stayed contained, were it not for a visitor to the Skitterwald home tasting the pies and exclaiming (much to the chagrin of Penn's family), "These are amazing!  You know, you could sell these!"

And so they did.  Their pies got better and better, and Lucretia and Dewleanne kept hiking up their prices.  Each time one sold a pie for a higher price, it was like a slap in the face, and the other would work harder still to produce a pie that would sell for more gold still.

This competition became so dramatic, so all-encompassing in its scope that even the bards began to take notice.  A pair, William Brightoath and Arthur Darkeyes, started to research into the whole dispute, and, uncovering more and more, finally decided that they could set the whole story to music, and put it on stage!

And they did, and the operetta was a huge success.  I'm sure you've heard of it.

What did they call it?

Simplicity itself.  They titled it, "The Pie Rates of Penn's Aunts"!

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Stephen_Zuckerman on January 09, 2008, 05:19:24 pm

That doesn't even get a Thanks. You should be ashamed.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: egoober on January 09, 2008, 05:20:08 pm

*throws a pie at Darkstorme in response*

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Falonthas on January 09, 2008, 06:47:40 pm

and to think it almost was perfect till you resorted to pseudo humor

bad snake bad snake

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Lalaith Va'lash on January 09, 2008, 06:57:12 pm

Aw, I've been working on a presentation all day long -- and that was just what I needed to make me laugh. :D

Maybe it is more a fact that I've been struggling all day long than its actual humor... BUT - I thought it was funny at the time ;)

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Falonthas on January 09, 2008, 11:04:52 pm

here you go lala
just picture psuedo in his pink shirt and then when he gets up from behind the desk he has a pink tutu to match

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Masterjack on January 25, 2008, 07:17:45 am

Lord Rael of Pransis was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Rael if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a bull runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.

'No,' said Rael, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a wagon carrying 50 children went over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not,' explained Rael. 'That's what we would call great loss.'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Rael searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room, Little Trouble Tempest raised his hand... In a quiet voice he said: 'If the carrage carrying you and Mrs. Rael was struck by a 'friendly fire' magic missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Rael. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says Trouble, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss....... and it probably wouldn't be a freaking accident either'.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on February 07, 2008, 06:27:23 pm

Zup was steering his beetle across a brand new bridge that crossed a chasm in the city of gnomes. The bridge had taken a gnomish engineering crew many months to build and Zup's gargantuan beetle was to be the first test of the bridge's stability. Unfortunately Zup (by now suspicion was certainly growing that he was, in fact, not an excellent driver) crashed the beetle into the (fortunately) empty toll booth at the start of the bridge.

He climbed down from his beetle and surveyed the wreckage. Within a matter of minutes, another beetle pulled up and unloaded a crew of gnomish workers.

The gnomes picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and good as new.

"Astonishing!" Zup said to the crew chief. "What was that white stuff you used to get all of the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh that was tollgate booth paste."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on February 07, 2008, 06:29:01 pm

A bard walks into the Leringard Inn with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument that exists in Layonara.

He hears everyone in the inn laughing at him, calling him a fool, etc. Putting his coin where his mouth is, he says that he will wager 100 true to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

Hardragh, pretty boy bard, walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than anyone has ever heard, just rippin' it up. So Hardragh concedes defeat and pays his 100 true.

Clever Kali walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Ozy. So Kali pays her 100 true.

Then Acacea walks up with bagpipes. She sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" Acacea says. "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at her and says, "Play it? I'm taking this baby home as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on February 28, 2008, 06:48:15 pm

Clarissa arrives at the temple in Huangjin. She is assigned to helping the other champions copy the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

She notices, however, that all of the champions are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, Clarissa goes to the Light of Toran Ortheus to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

Ortheus says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my daughter."

Ortheus goes down into the dark caves underneath the temple where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been accessed since the temple opened. Hours go by and nobody sees the old Toranite.

So, Clarissa, starting to get worried, goes down to look for him. She sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. Clarissa asks, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old man replies, "The word was ... CELEBRATE!!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on February 28, 2008, 08:42:02 pm

The procession of dwarves go deep into the Brech Mountains to see the head of the Church of Vorax and because their number includes such luminaries as Kobal, Fenrir, Beli, Ket, Argali, Hilda, Jacrum, etc they are immediately ushered into his presence. Grohin leads the pack.

"Grohin, ma frien'," says the Dwarven Priest, "What cannae I do fer ye?"

Grohin grumbles, "Excuse da int'rupt'n Cap'n, but dere be any kin who be sistas o' da Father o' Battle (// Think modern day nun //) in Krashin?"

The Priest of Vorax wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "Nay Grohin, dere be nay kin sisters in Krashin dat ah know about."

In the background, a few of the dwarves start giggling. Grohin turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grohin turns back, "Ummmm, dere be any kin sistas in all o' da North?"

The Priest, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "Nay Grohin, dere be no kin sistas o' Battle in all da' North."
 
This time, all of the other dwarves burst into laughter. Once again, Grohin turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grohin turns back and says, "Well den, dere be ANY kin dat be sistas o' de Father Vorax anywhere in de whole o' Layonara?"

The Priest, really confused by the questions says, "Nay lad, dere be no sistas o' Vorax anywhere in da whole world. Not dat dey cannae be, just dere ain't any."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting ...

"Grohin slept with a penguin! Grohin slept with a penguin! Grohin slept with a penguin!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on March 04, 2008, 08:30:42 pm

[size=-2]

Quote from: Pseudonym

... and because their number includes such luminaries as Kobal, Fenrir, Beli, Ket, Argali, Hilda, Jacrum, etc they are immediately ushered into his presence. Grohin leads the pack ...

Okay, if you're mentioned in a joke post it's considered polite to give out a thanks! :P The players of all those dwarves have been warned.[/size]

Anyways ...

Sick of having people question his bravery, Sallaron decided to attend a practical tactics and strategy seminar run by the Voraxians. The instructor was giving Sall's class instruction in unarmed self-defense. After the dwarf presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asks his tallest and scruffiest student,
"What steps would ye take iffin some goint be comin' at ye wit' a big, flamey 'ammer?"

Sallaron replied, "BIG ones."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: LordCove on March 04, 2008, 08:39:04 pm

Heh! Classic!

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Script Wrecked on March 04, 2008, 09:28:02 pm

Quote from: Pseudonym

Quote from: Pseudonym

... and because their number includes such luminaries as Kobal, Fenrir, Beli, Ket, Argali, Hilda, Jacrum, etc they are immediately ushered into his presence. Grohin leads the pack ...

[/SIZE]Okay, if you're mentioned in a joke post it's considered polite to give out a thanks! :P The players of all those dwarves have been warned.

Sorry.

*presses thanks button*

### Error 225: too many thanks ###

What?

*tries pressing thanks button again*

### Error 316: blatant thanks solicitation violation ###

D'oh!



;)

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Script Wrecked on March 04, 2008, 10:09:59 pm

Quote from: Pseudonym

Okay, if you're mentioned in a joke post it's considered polite to give out a thanks! :P

Or perhaps you need to increase your sample size, something like:

Quote

It was balmy day on the beach at Audira for A'arwynn Silverbow, Abigail Firesteed, Absinthe, Acedia Rowle, Adelle Asantiani, Adotumal Silentall, Aedimir Dawnstar, Aeryn Tahlaer, Aethia Gelicnite, Agrahtar Tares, Aidan Velaster, Ajax Grekor, Alagos Basir Maethor, Alanna Cerissi, Alassir Vil'Drazzic, Alazander, Alden Pickett, Aleth Sypar, Alexander Cornelius, Alfrilark Stormshield, Alice Vars Millen, Altair Stormblade, Alu Fallenar, Aman Shadar, Amaris A'Iretni, Ameli Lihn, Amourain Sihdehl, Amras, Amras A'Iretni, Anala Eiln, Animus Massor, Aramisa Damus, Arcite Sparxs, Arfeld Tar-Ne-Golet, Argali Trueaxe, Argus Smithson, Ariel Applerose, Arik Longshore, Arioch Lavelocity, Arivis Vigors, Arkada, Arkenon, Arlis Springtree, Armias Alcarin, Aronathas, Arsain Fira, Artemain Harque, Artemis Kane, Artemis Sendant, Aryanna, Ash, Ashlynn Irion, Asztrik ForestWarder, Aurora, Auso Choel, Avaritia Luxur, Averill Duncan, Ayana Elohana In'Darsus, Azdov Maval, Aziz, Babaki, Bajai, Balzag Vildron, Bam Crunch, Barail, Barbare, Bartholomew Fallowfield, Bastion Almasty, Benlanlynara Arklindo, Beorn, Berak, Bigridoc, Bjosef Bourne, Blake Fot, Boda Thunderhand, Bolor Glangyth, Boltar Storm'hammer, Bordak of the Rabid Wolf Clan, Borgak, Brina, Brunhilde, Buddy Tenker, Burke, Caalish Hashimbal, Caecus Aduro, Caelte Amargein, Cai'ron Morningstar, Caim Xyvorn, Cal'isar Whitestone, Cald Arniman, Caldor Kalin, Callin Gald, Calvin Norseman, Cam Cutter, Camas Pemeniso, Carick Leringard, Casslin Hildegard, Cederic Fennelroot, Cenden Hoquon, Chance Salvare, Chanynce Baldu'muur, Chaz Hunter, Chestnut Tanglethorn, Chiara Laecelam'lela, Chicory Fourleaf, Chilo, Chino Lyfesoother, Cire Sparks, Cirol Saltyr, Clarissa, Claudia Mayer, Clover, Coachella, Cole Pandorn, Colo, Constantine Wulf, Cora Blake, Crank Stone, Crespi Nimblefoot, Crispin, Cutter Stonehelm, Cyne, Dagfari No-Pere, Dagnar Hullbreaker, Dale Archer, Dalila, Danath Rosethorn, Daniel Moore, Dardo Klemmson, Darien, Dave Hendrix, Dearka Silvermane, Deasil Withershin, Death Singer, Deidra Merrick, Delonderiel DarkRunner, Demetrius Gad, Demitri Rift, Democoon Torr, Desdemara, Dfer Greenleaf, Diaxodas Oveim, Digs, Doren Treewalker, Dorian Wilde, Dradnats Lausu, Dre'je'nemal Sellis, Dreagen Frey, Drek'tar, Dustin Koch, Dwila Naldukr, Dylan Stormbow, Dylan Tyde, Eander Shalynn, Eanlan Siris, Ebreth Est'aclyn, Edison Locke, Edu'win Solinesti, Edward Greenfield, Eesa Soulcry, Efficace Brown, Elandra Firewalker, Elar Windsong, Eldariel Isilvene, Eldon Tealeaf, Eleran Leahson, Elessar Meneldur, Elgon In'Darsus, Elijah Bloodtear, Eliza, Ellena Ste'fesser, Ellis Crill, Elyam In'Darsus, Elzhabehl Tyr' Neldth, Ember Beau, Emily Moody, Emmy Lighthand, Emory Swordsong, Emwonk T'noduoy, Eregion Silverstar, Erolin Jinae, Eruanna Glorandir, Eryndel Dy'nair, Essel Peacewind, Eyafares, Ezekiel Wheatchaff, Fayjah Drasiele, Feana Pantherguard, Feefty One Ear, Fianon Brittlebow, Finalyn Stonefist, Finnegan Fletcher, Flandal Steelskin, Floran Oakleaf, Flynn de Ballard, Focus Finkle, Fortun Ghaele, Frederick Alexander, Fritz Biermeier, Gabriel Redview, Gamron Ironfeet, Gard Thel, Gavin Evwinson, Geraa, Gillander St. Clair, Glim SilverHammer, Glim Silveryaxe, Glith'nich Amthrmil, Glurk, Gollandrian, Gork, Gorzak, Gothim Shieldbreaker, Grannax Stonebrow, Grant Elsbie, Grayald d' Estrelis al Vandagar, Grena Rockbasher, Grex, Grovel Foaming Wolf, Grugh Thornbane, Gudelsky, Gurin Blansten, Gurmar Rockhelm, Gusset Blackvein, Gvhe, Haggis Meatgrinder, Haratar, Hawk Hellios, Helgha, Herekete, Hitachi Konkuro, Hogg Sapskull, Hotaru Kawabata, Hrothgar Ingeitum, Hue Root, Huntemara In'Darsus, Ian Wrath, Indra Datho, Iolantir N'maerth Rhovanion, Islandra, Jack Sheppard, Jacrum Shieldbreaker, Jaelle Thornwood, Jaigan Drakand, Jaldaric Doombringer, James Aybara, Jason Milbrook, Jaspar Cirinus, Javicar Nor, Jearick R H'gar, Jennifer Stewart, Jervis, Jhad'zea, Jhonas Redar, Jodo Pomple-moose, John Smitty, Johnathan Wainwright, Jon Heinrich, Jonahaleria, Joslyn, Justice, Juylina Fiirhallen, Kadim Arshanavean, Kage Bronzeswift, Kahu Ahi, Kahu Ahi, Kairin Wayfare, Kalin Sundar, Kalinthir Tu"anthel, Karim Elksoul, Katrina, Katsumi, Kayiti the Endurant, Kazerick Terradil, Keela Cent, Kenelm Alan, Khanschei Crystiin, Kharloc, Khuren, Kid Lute, Kiira Lo'Amour, Kilraq Starlight, Kin Trisin, Kinai Kinsei, Kioi Ospreycaptor, Kira Le'lyn, Kitney Martial, Kitty Kanara, Klefnar, Kohi, Koi, Kol Hardigar, Koltok, Koltor Torlin, Koren Orion, Korina Card, Kramar Aarin, Krell Himmler, Krill, Kross Swift, Kurt Dio, Laameoan Nycilam, Laanmileviran Ilmmeam, Laaren LeMeele, Laira Timberline, Lance Coyle, Lance Stargazer, Landon Bright, Lars, Latyewan Anilcgoam, Lava, Le'bota, Ledrin Navelio, Lee Owens, Leeia Til`Reion, Legretto LeFarge, Leisa Margreve, Leithwin Ravenbrow, Lelu Auran, Lenora Wynspeare, Leone, Leoric De Andyzz, Liasanya Whisperwind, Liatsh, Lilith Moonshine, Lillith Delunara, Lin Xu, Linda Valkhein, Lino Bildert, Llessur Lightfoot, Lucas Grey, Lucius Kaiser, Luet Whitetail, Luna MoonFire, Luthien Indis Seregon, Mai, Malagith Ze'Marri, Malkor, Malleck the Quick, Malo Grell, Mangle-Or, Marcus, Mard Jorisbane, Maria, Markus, Masada, Matthias, Melana Sky, Merilor Coldcrescent, Merry Lark, Milly Ruia, Mipealean Darkwaters, Mirrim Cade, Mitchel Kray, Morgana, Mourn, Mourn Taruth, Mukanda Kinkill, Murbiddle Schepwick, Muuju, Nagash von Ritter, Nathan Hall, Nechemiah, Ned Smithson, Nemo Dra'mykd'yra, Nessa Firedancer, Nicholas Nendawen, Nico Pierce, Nicolai T'alsun, NightBreeze, Nilanir, Nisbet Narine, Nonac Shadow Wolf, Nusion Thanor, Nyeaeana Irylanam, Nyec'w Frost, O'red Stonehall, Odium Ironbrand, Ogzughimmal, Oma Limetree, Oramis Argetlam, Orias Lidel, Orinogaway Unisethaerion, Oropher Pallanen, Ortugg Bootlegga, Owyn Zytacrehan, Ox, Ozok Arnik, Pallena, Paulanthus Moon, Peryalingwe Shantoson, Phaeyr, Po'kzi Laazkzinaazgah, Prishia Nolan, Qual Ma'fer, Quarral Mae'zynge, Quelimire Vinewind, Quentin Cavendish, Quinn Faren, Raen, Rajistin Thistledown, Rakash, Ral Cean, Rale, Ramone Delaech, Ramzies, Randi Tyne, Ranter Arcanebow, Rarebrion Greenleaf, Raymund Narflash, Rebecca, Rechra Sacomo, Red, Reinard D'Raven, Reyna Shadowrain, Rhandir, Rhetger Lightgale, Rhomnus Cathartica, Rhune Hawkins, Rice Tumblewarf, Rick Greenheart, Rigo Westbrows, Riven Ring-Cleaver, Riz'yelle Sparkstream, Rizzir, Rob Lark, Rog Warcleaver, Roger Trencavel, Rolan Tennesen, Roman Williams, Ron Kallahan, Ronan Marshald, Roriman Stronghold, Rorkan Dennither, Rorlg, Rosalyn Del'Phoena, Rose, Rowyn Delita, Ruby Gemcrusher, Rylon d'Roach, Ryuukei, Sabalan Thergol, Sabel Ryn'ia, Sagart Farriage, Sairainde Tasartir, Saith Drekan, Sallozzo, Salvante D'alessio, Sami Groundbreaker, Sammas Gondo, Sara, Sarah Asdams, Sasha Tomyris, Sasha Westwind, Savon, Scar, Scott Tormick, Scout, Scrogg, Sean Black, Seidahn Xyvorn, Sein Alinds, Semi Gazier, Sendar, Serryn Ryn'ia, Seth Kenton, Shado Quinn, Shadow De'thaar, Shalar Aza'iel, Sharto Kenseph, Sharyn'Aylathenn Valhaikor, Shiff Dragonheart, Shinrei Yasunari, Shinrin-Yoku, Sil'via Serissa In'Darsus, Silver, Siomyril Zyrustine, Sirius, Skarr, Skull, Slain Tulrar, Slate ShieldCrusher, Slessanaa, Slint Quillscratcher, Smudger Crowfoot, Soigo Zedrisen, Sol Harrier, Sol'thas Dwin'saen, Spirit Skye, Star Elen, Stefan Manticore, Strine Cortal, Stumpp Futt, Stumpy, SunFrost, Suntop Treedancer, Surion, Suth, Syclya, Syton Tilner, Tadhg McNeill, Tagnar Hauksen, Tahletril Tyr'neldth, Tain, Talia, Tamiara Hawktalon, Tania Dango, Tariana, Taric Calahan, Tarik Ironhammer, Taringalia Raincloud, Tath Zo'layum, Telini Artima, Teranda Dovefire, Terrik Dree, Thainin Tal'Rayne, Tharen Faror Heleniro, Thomas Longfellow, Thomas Martin, Thoran Stormcleaver, Thorax Ruinshield, Thordur Rocksplitter, Thorgrim Glitterbeard, Thorn Stormforge, Thrabian Whyss, Tialle Dianesis, Tiernan Laodices, Tobias Renwald Malcolm, Tod Fellow, Tomni Silverhand, Toni Bravespoon, Toramir Peone, Tornith Slang, Torryl Balador, Tragor, Trajan Ellis, Travie, Trill, Tristan DeMoyer, Tritherion Con'doin, Tuldor Na'reth, Unen Cent, Urdair Illi, Urhuk Meshanek, Uriel Vinsraul, Vaelthos Agrias, Valen Glen'liss, Valmara Dormin, Valring Glorzak, Vann Shale, Vax Teagle, Velmira Veeto, Vendar Quintas, Vernon Dusani, Vick Geigne, Victor, Victor Stonehand, Vincent, Vinci, Vinden Blackstaff, Virtue Kessen, Viva Grabbor, Vlanin, Westanny Smith, William Grump, Williem Punter, Wimkin Lumdar, Wrythe, Xravil Lumenaegar, Xune, Xyrae Venari, Ya, Yolan Delan, Yona Hildegard, Yori Marblefist, Yukimura Hyoujin, Yvalee of the Seventh House, Zane Hasenkauf, Zardoc, Zarneth Vildron, Zenthanial Zim, Zephiel Silvermoon, Zephryl Almaran, Zilvra Nal'arlith, Zinaria Da'theen, Zolanthor Kegtaker, Zookzig Schepwick, Zy'ethias Malve'tnei, and Zynes Koehlaeaer, when someone said wouldn't it be nice to get some ice cream ...

;)

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Filatus on March 04, 2008, 10:15:59 pm

You just lost one thanks, Script Wrecked. *grumbles about being left out*

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: jan on March 05, 2008, 01:31:38 pm

Quote from: Filatus

You just lost one thanks, Script Wrecked. *grumbles about being left out*

Make that two *goes with Filatus to get a beer *

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Script Wrecked on March 06, 2008, 01:08:05 am

Quote from: jan

Quote from: Filatus

You just lost one thanks, Script Wrecked. *grumbles about being left out*

Make that two *goes with Filatus to get a beer *

Sorry, Jan, but Barion doesn't actually appear in any of the approved character lists*. Seems you've been playing illegally all this time...

*discreetly tries to flag down a passing admin*



*fyi - the character names were taken from the 2007 approved character list (http://forums.layonara.com/character-approvals/112991-character-approvals-2007-a.html)

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: stragen on March 06, 2008, 02:00:08 am

An impostor Knight of the Wyrm? A forged defender of the Holy Laws of Roferien?

Barion?

No, wait that was one of my old characters!

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Nehetsrev on March 06, 2008, 10:30:25 am

Quote from: Script Wrecked

Sorry, Jan, but Barion doesn't actually appear in any of the approved character lists*. Seems you've been playing illegally all this time...

*discreetly tries to flag down a passing admin*



*that's where I got all the character names from

Must be an incomplete listing you looked at then, cause you missed 4 of my 6 (unless you don't count the deleted character or the permed character, then it's just 2 of 4 missed).  Anyhow, I know all 6 of my characters had been approved before creation, and if I dig I bet I can still find their original submission threads...somewhere.

:D

Maybe I should take my thanks back?

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Falonthas on March 06, 2008, 01:49:00 pm

he had 3 of my four active missed shado

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: darkstorme on March 06, 2008, 06:48:18 pm

// Back on track.

In Krandor, Earl Frogstomper wanders into the bar.  He settles himself on a bar stool, and a horse trots up behind the counter.

Earl just looks at the horse for a second.  The horse stares back at him, then opens its mouth, and talks!  "What's the matter?  Surprised to see me here?"

Earl, astonished, simply nodded.  "Yeah.  Did the cows sell the place?"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on March 06, 2008, 07:12:15 pm

Speaking of Earl ...

One day, Bubba the Barbarian was sittin' in Hempstead Square when he saw his buddy Earl Frogstomper riding a horse through town, as grand as can be. Bubba looks up to him with a wide grin.

"Earl, where'd you git that horse?!?"

"A lady gives it ta me" Earl replied.

"She give it to ya? I know'd the ladies wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new horse?"

"Well, Bubba, let me tell you what happened. We wuz out' out in badlands o' Dregar, in the middle of nowheres. This lady took off from tha path and headed into the woods. She stopped, leashed the horse to a tree, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Earl, take whatever you want.' So I took the horse!"

"Earl, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on March 13, 2008, 06:47:00 pm

One day Tegan was cleaning Trouble's room, and in the closet she found a Xeenite parchment containing illustrations of a rather delicate nature. Unsure of how to confront her son, she hid the parchment until Sallaron got home.

She showed Sall what she had found while she was cleaning. He looked at the Xeenite illustrations and handed it back to her without a word. Tegs finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

Sall looked back at her hesitantly and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Stephen_Zuckerman on March 13, 2008, 09:45:33 pm

I just had taco come out of my nose at that, Pseudo. You win. Forever.

Forever.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: ShiffDrgnhrt on March 13, 2008, 09:50:52 pm

Sadly, I had to think about it, because there are multiple punchlines in that one final comment....  But it was good...

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: ystrday on March 13, 2008, 10:17:13 pm

Hahahaha =P

*lol*

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: darkstorme on March 15, 2008, 05:26:44 pm

A few Bard jokes:

How do you get a violinist to play a passage pianissimo tremolo?
Mark it solo.

What's the definition of a gentleman?
A bard who knows how to play a shawm (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shawm), but doesn't.

What do you call a lass who hangs around with musicians?
A groupie.

What do you call a lad who hangs around with musicians?
Their drummer.

Did you hear about the guitarist who locked his housekey in his house?
He had to break down the door to let the drummer out.

An elven bard was finishing a night of drinking at the bar, and was staggering his way home when he realized he'd left his lute on the bar.  Quickly, he turned around and ran back, flung open the door, and realized he was too late; there were two lutes on the bar.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: bobby1361 on March 19, 2008, 07:19:54 am

the drummer ones made me laugh most.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: darkstorme on March 19, 2008, 10:58:50 pm

So Sallaron was out treasure-hunting one day, and he came across a dusty old lamp.  Thinking he might be able to polish it up for a few gold, he gave it a quick buff with his sleeve.  As lamps tend to in these stories, it twitched, and a genie billowed out.

"Huh?  What?  Oh..."  The genie looked down at Sall and yawned.  "Look, I'm really tired, and my magic isn't what it used to be.  I can only grant you one wish."

Sall thought for a moment.  "Well, I visit Mistone a lot, but I live near Prantz.  The portals are alright, I suppose, but they make me dizzy, and I get awfully seasick on an ocean crossing.  So I'd like a coach road all the way across the ocean from Mistone to Dregar."

The genie whined, "Look, that's an awful lot of work!  Isn't there something easier you could wish for?"

Sall thought for a little longer, then nodded, slowly.  "Y'know, there is.  No matter how hard I try, sometimes Tegan goes and does things that I just can't fathom.  So I'd like to be able to understand the mind of a woman."

The genie rubbed his hands together.  "Right, so would you like that road paved, or will gravel do?"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: ystrday on March 19, 2008, 11:38:57 pm

Hahahah.. you guys are sooo funny =P

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Frances on March 20, 2008, 12:13:58 pm

Has anyone noticed that Sall and Tegan seem to be the subject of many jokes lately?  Is something about them inherently funny?  Let's see:

Sall and Tegan.  *listens for laughter*

I also noted that they are not listed in Script Wicked's looooong joke of thanks farming.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: LordCove on March 20, 2008, 01:38:47 pm

We're not?! Thats shocking! Shocking!

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Falonthas on March 20, 2008, 01:48:47 pm

no tegs is funny sall is the physical part that makes tegs funny

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on March 22, 2008, 12:55:25 am

I don't think Sall and Tegan are being unfairly singled out. Having said that ...

A man walks into the bank in Hempstead, gets in line, and when it was his turn he whips out a sword and robs the joint! Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line,
"Did you see me rob this Bank?"
The customer replies, "YES!"
The bank robber raises his sword and without blinking an eye calmly runs him through!! He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man,
"DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK????"
Sallaron calmly responds "No... but my wife did!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on March 26, 2008, 10:47:11 pm

G'ork is riding across the savannah near Krandor when he sees a little girl travelling with her family suddenly attacked by lions (perhaps they were riled up from all the opportunist tailors farming their pride for skins?). The lion grabs the girl by the cuff of her tunic and tries to drag her away to slaughter her, all under the eyes of her screaming parents (and the impassive G'ork).

Struck by a strange whim, G'ork jumps off his horse, runs to the lion and whacks it square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and G'ork brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly.

Meanwhile, Bumblebee (safe in the security of his +80 hide check) has witnessed the whole scene, and addressing the big half-orc, says,

"Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life".

"G'ork sees girl gonna be eats by big cat and me decides to help." *shrugs* "G'ork in no danger."

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's Dragon Whisper will have this on the first page!"

With that Bumblebee says goodbye and leaves.

The following morning G'ork heads to Stormcrest and buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

"VICIOUS THUG ASSAULTS DREGARAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on March 28, 2008, 07:20:32 pm

Sallaron used to lament he had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night Tegan was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out adventuring, gathering CNR with his old ox. One day, when Sall was out in the mines, lo and behold, Tegs turns up and has brought him a packed lunch! Sall takes the old ox into the safe rest area, sits down and begins to eat.

Immediately, Tegan (who has hung around) begins nagging Sall again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old ox lashes out with both hind feet, catching Tegan smack in the back of the head and kills her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the cleric of Folian Spae noticed something rather odd with all the couples approaching Sall. Shiff and Val, Peanut and Beasty, Shamur and Muir, Storold and whomever, Jacchri and Dorena, Krys and Elohanna, Quil and Lal, Jako and Sala, so on and so on. Whenever a woman mourner approach Sall, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement, but when a male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

After the funeral, the priest asks Sall why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. Sall says,

"Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice Tegan looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the cleric asks.

"They wanted to know if the ox was for sale."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on March 28, 2008, 09:26:53 pm

Four old retired adventurers are walking down a street in Hempstead. They turn a corner and see a sign that says,

"Old Timers Bar - all drinks - two true."

They look at each other, then go in thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,

"Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a Will-o-Whiskey.

In short order, the bartender serves up four Whiskeys and says,

"That'll be 2 true each, please."

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then look at each other ... they can't believe their good luck. They pay the 8 true, finish their drinks, and order another round.

Again, four excellent whiskeys are produced with the bartender again saying,

"That's 8 true please."

They pay the 8 true but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two whiskeys, and so far they've spent less than twenty true, the price you'd pay anywhere else for a single drink, let alone 8 drinks. Finally one of the men says,

"How can you afford to serve whiskey as good as this for two true apiece?"

"I'm a retired crafter from years ago," the bartender said, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Way back when it used to be easy to sell stuff and I made a squillion and decided to open this place. Every drink costs two true - wine, liquor, ale, it's all the same."

"Wow!! That's quite a story," says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their whiskeys and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.  

One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender,

"What's with them?"

The bartender says,

"Oh, they're current crafters. They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on April 03, 2008, 07:29:28 pm

*reads the forums after a couple busy days at work*

Jeez, I need a little frivolity.


Sallaron suddenly found himself standing in the middle of the field. In front of him was a djinni, arms crossed, tapping his foot impatiently.

"And what will your third wish be?"

Sall looked at the djinni and said,

"Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the djinni said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left!"

"Okay," said Sall, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand Tegan. I'd love to know what's going on inside her head!"

"Funny," said the djinni as it granted his wish and disappeared forever,

"That was your first wish, too!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Lalaith Va'lash on April 03, 2008, 07:36:58 pm

Quote from: Pseudonym

Sallaron used to lament he had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night Tegan was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out adventuring, gathering CNR with his old ox. One day, when Sall was out in the mines, lo and behold, Tegs turns up and has brought him a packed lunch! Sall takes the old ox into the safe rest area, sits down and begins to eat.

Immediately, Tegan (who has hung around) begins nagging Sall again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old ox lashes out with both hind feet, catching Tegan smack in the back of the head and kills her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the cleric of Folian Spae noticed something rather odd with all the couples approaching Sall. Shiff and Val, Peanut and Beasty, Shamur and Muir, Storold and whomever, Jacchri and Dorena, Krys and Elohanna, Quil and Lal, Jako and Sala, so on and so on. Whenever a woman mourner approach Sall, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement, but when a male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

After the funeral, the priest asks Sall why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. Sall says,

"Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice Tegan looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the cleric asks.

"They wanted to know if the ox was for sale."

*blinks*

...

First time I saw this!  and... Quill would never!

(he knows better ;))

Funny though.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Tobias on April 03, 2008, 10:04:53 pm

*whistles innocently*

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Lalaith Va'lash on April 03, 2008, 10:38:40 pm

He knows better....

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Tobias on April 03, 2008, 10:52:02 pm

*gulp!*

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on April 03, 2008, 10:53:44 pm

*nods knowingly to Toby when Lal isn't looking ... then whistles innocently*

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Lalaith Va'lash on April 03, 2008, 11:08:54 pm

*Lal catches a glimpse of Psuedo's nodding in the reflection on the mithril of her handaxe*

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Grid Blader on April 03, 2008, 11:10:16 pm

I have a emerald for that ox of yours? *says it in a firm and some what loud voice*

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: LordCove on April 04, 2008, 09:24:03 am

A little bored one day, Arkolio was reading through the Dragons Whisper, when he heard about a circus coming to Hempstead. A little curious, he went.

He moved past the various attractions, the bearded dwarfs, Thorn's Turnip eating contest, Pyyrans Stars and Stripes games, Kobal's feats of Strength and Angela's knife throwing contest, with a poor trussed up Storold on the spinning wheel as the target.

Finnaly, he came to a big tent, and inside on a podium, he found an elephant and a circus performer.
" Roll up! Roll up!" the circus performer cried, " I am giving the sum of 1000 True to any man who can get this Elephant to sit down!"
Up on the stage, various people were pushing and shoving the elephant in an attempt to make it sit... but with no success.

So up walks Arkolio, walks right up to the face of the Elephant... and he stares....
...and stares.... and stares....
... then walks right behind the Elephant and kicks it in the groin.
Whomp! With a trumpeted bellow, the elephant sits down fairly sharply.

To thunderous applause, Arkolio receives his reward and goes home.

Next week, having spent his winnings, he reads the Circus has moved to Wayfare and is showing the same events, including the "sitting Elephant trick".
Not wishing to be turned away, Ark pats some flour to his face to lighten his complexion, and puts on a thick Krashin accent.

Again, he moves through the various shows, into the tent, up to the Elephant....
" Roll up! Roll up! 1000 True to any man that can get this Elephant to sit down!"
... and so he walks up... and stares....
... and stares...
... and walks right behind the elephant and kicks it in the groin.
Whomp! With a trumpeted bellow, the Elephant sharply sits down, and Ark gets his reward.

Again, a week later, he discovers the circus has moved to Leringard.
Not wanting to get caught out, he takes some coal and smears it over his face to darken his compexion, and heads out to the Circus.

Again, he moves past the various shows and into the tent.
" Roll up! Roll up! 1000 True's to the man that can get this Elephant to sit down!" the circus performer cries.
Ark walks up to the elephant....
... but... the circus performer frowns. Perhaps recognising the facial features, perhaps having a bad feeling and growing sick of being out of pocket by one lucky bugger that plagues his circus every week. But for whatever reason, the Circus performer suddenly changes the rules.

" Roll up! Roll up! Er.... 2... yes... 2000 True to the man who can make this Elephant NOD.... SHAKE HIS HEAD.... "AND" SIT DOWN... WITHOUT TOUCHING IT!"
With a sneer, the Circus performer turns to watch Ark.
Now Ark has his foot on the stage, and, not wishing to get caught out and appear a fool, still approaches the elephant.
Sighing softly... he stares at the elephant....
... and stares....
... and stares....

... and says....

" You remember me dont you?"
The Elephant nods.
" You want a kick in the groin?"
The Elephant shakes its head.
" Then sit down."


// Hmm... yes it's bad... and yes I need to master shorter jokes... but he deserved it  ;)

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on April 06, 2008, 08:03:59 pm

Shiff is helping out at the work site where many kind-hearted adventurers were helping with the rebuilding in Wayfare and starts bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He makes a special case of making fun of  diminutive Jennara. After several minutes, Jennara has had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," she whispers. "I will bet a 1,000 true that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, little one," Shiff replies. "Let's see what you got."

Jennara reaches out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to Shiff, she (barely audibly) says,

"Alright, get in."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Mooneyes on April 06, 2008, 11:15:35 pm

Heheeeehe :) Good one.  Peanut used to carry alot of Shiffs stuff *winks*

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Hellblazer on April 07, 2008, 09:50:29 am

Way to go Jennara :p

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Falonthas on April 07, 2008, 08:50:29 pm

dorg has to tell a joke so he doesnt get overtaken by the pink shirt

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on April 08, 2008, 02:33:13 am

Ha! That guy will run out of goodwill and patience before I run out of jokes!

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Beez on April 14, 2008, 05:12:23 pm

i've heard most of these, albeit in different forms, but the ones i havent heard are hilarious

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Masterjack on April 14, 2008, 05:55:07 pm

Quote from: Beez

i've heard most of these, albeit in different forms, but the ones i havent heard are hilarious

Are you saying that Pseudonym's jokes are not original? Or just the odd one here and there that some one else put up. You have to be careful with him. You do not want his already diminished ego to get shattered by revealing his plagiarism :)

Before you know it everyone will take back there thanks and then where will he be? How will he be able to take the Thanks crown (http://forums.layonara.com/just-fun/118482-catching-up-dorg.html)  from Dorg now?

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on April 14, 2008, 11:26:16 pm

Right on MJ!

I may not be original with my jokes, helpful with Layo questions or know anything at all about the mechanics of NwN which could earn me thanks .. but I have the support of the little people like you and together we can make it happen!

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Beez on April 16, 2008, 04:43:55 pm

Quote from: Masterjack

Are you saying that Pseudonym's jokes are not original? Or just the odd one here and there that some one else put up. You have to be careful with him. You do not want his already diminished ego to get shattered by revealing his plagiarism :)

Before you know it everyone will take back there thanks and then where will he be? How will he be able to take the Thanks crown (http://forums.layonara.com/just-fun/118482-catching-up-dorg.html)  from Dorg now?

thats exactly what im saying
his jokes are definitly not original

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Stephen_Zuckerman on April 16, 2008, 05:44:51 pm

They're not really supposed to be original - it's the way he spins them to Layo that is. :) After all, a Pollack might be offended by your typical Pollack joke, but turn that Pollack in the joke into a Half-Orc, and suddenly it's okay to laugh again.

Likewise, turning Rothschild into Pyyran. ;)

Edit: I don't actually know how turning Rothschild into Pyyran is either funny or fitting. But it seemed amusing at the time.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on April 16, 2008, 10:42:14 pm

My jokes aren't original???

I confess it to be true. Not since the Simpsons started providing us quotes for every situation we encounter has an original thought passed through my head.

Edit: Mind you, since Jimi Hendrix, has anyone had an original thought pass through their heads?

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: LightlyFrosted on April 23, 2008, 02:24:04 am

So Kell and Arynne are on their way to Hempstead from Vehl, when, in the middle of the Dapplegreen, they come across a halfling standing proudly over the body of a dead dragon.

"Who killed this dragon?"

"I did!" Squeaks the halfling.  "It was posing a threat to the region, and it destroyed a dozen merchants carts!"

"Wow!  How'd you do it?"

"With my club!"

The two adventurers stare at the diminutive halfling.  "How big's your club?"

"There are about thirty of us!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on April 25, 2008, 10:10:27 am

Three members of Raven and three members of the Angels are travelling by ship from Leringard to Hurm. At the ticket vendor in Leringard, the three Angels each buy a ticket and watch as the three members of Raven buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Angels.

"Watch and learn newbie," answers one of the Ravens.

They all board the ship. The Angels take their respective seats along the rail but all three Raven members cram into a privy and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the ship has set sail, the captain comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the privy door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The captain takes it and moves on.

The Angels see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the journey, they decide to copy the Ravenites on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the docks in Hurm, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Ravenites don't buy a ticket at all!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Angel.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the Ravens.

When they board the ship the three Angels cram into a privy and soon after the three Ravens cram into another nearby. The ship departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Ravens leaves the privy and walks over to the toilet where the Angels are hiding. He knocks on the door and says,

"Ticket please."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on April 25, 2008, 10:50:18 am

The only cow in a small village near Lake Allun stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow in Haven for 200 true. They brought the cow from Haven and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to .. ummmm .. 'get friendly' with the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask Sallaron, who, as a ranger was the closest thing to a druid the villagers knew (and was known to be very wise) what to do about their problem. They told Sall what was happening.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

Sall thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Haven?"

The villagers were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise ranger Mister Sall," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Haven?"

Sall replied with a distant look in his eye, "Tegan is from Haven..."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: LordCove on April 25, 2008, 05:47:21 pm

Heh... classic!

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: ShiffDrgnhrt on April 25, 2008, 05:51:53 pm

Quote from: Pseudonym

Shiff is helping out at the work site where many kind-hearted adventurers were helping with the rebuilding in Wayfare and starts bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He makes a special case of making fun of  diminutive Jennara. After several minutes, Jennara has had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," she whispers. "I will bet a 1,000 true that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, little one," Shiff replies. "Let's see what you got."

Jennara reaches out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to Shiff, she (barely audibly) says,

"Alright, get in."

How did I miss this one!  Hahaha!  :D

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on May 08, 2008, 11:38:48 pm

Two adventurers are out doing adventurerey things and as they're walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. Dragon? Purple Worm? Tarrasque lair? The first adventurer says,
"Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"
The second adventurer says,
"I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first adventurer says,
"There's this big boulder here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they are just in time to see a horse come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, a paladin of Toran walks up.

"Say there", says the paladin, "You fellers didn't happen to see my steed around here anywhere, did you?"

The first adventurer says,
"Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a horse came running out of the bushes doin' about a hundred leagues an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The paladin exclaims ...
"Why that's impossible, I had him tethered to a boulder!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Marswipp on May 10, 2008, 10:35:02 am

Game mechanics, anyone?

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: LightlyFrosted on May 10, 2008, 10:53:00 am

Just gravity.  ^~  And that's one of the most pervasive game mechanics ever.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on June 13, 2008, 03:20:55 am

Hardragh is riding his horse down the road when it pulls up lame near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My horse is lame Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even send an animal-specialist priest to see to the horse. As Hardy tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. It is .. even to the cynical bard .. quite simply beautiful. He doesn't sleep that night.

He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, Hardragh is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, he goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

Hardragh says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel Layonara and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

Not one to be easily deterred, Hardragh sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled Layonara and have found what you asked for: By divine design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only the Gods know what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead Hardragh to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and Hardy opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. He is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of amethyst, diamond and emerald.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

Hardragh is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound ...

As I cannot be entirely sure that whomever is reading this plays a monk character, I really cannot reveal more.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on June 20, 2008, 04:31:23 am

Tegan's Revenge

Knowing how few soulstrands Sallaron had remaining, Tegan hurries off to the Silkwood Witch, sage of much renown, to ask her to gaze into the mists of the future.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the witch delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Sallaron will perm in a violent and horrible manner this year."

Then the soothsayer looked up and locked eyes with Tegan, who was visibly shaken at this news. Tegan stared back at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She looked back, deep into the fortune tellers gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her the big question:

"Will I ever be caught?"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: darkstorme on June 23, 2008, 04:40:49 am

A traveling carnival happened by Hempstead when a number of adventurers were in town, and one act set up shop on the stage in Crimson Eagle's.  The act billed itself as "The Ugliest Man In Layonara".

Upon the stage sat a man, his head and upper torso draped in a sheet.  The barker strode forward on the stage. "Ladies and gentlemen!  We searched Mistone!  We combed Alindor!  We scoured Dregar!  We even braved the dangerous depths of Belinara, just to bring you, the people of Port Hempstead, the ugliest man in all of Layonara!  His face is so hideous, so revolting, that we have been forbidden to allow it on public display!  But you, good people, can have an individual viewing for just five gold pieces each!"

Now, adventurers being a naturally skeptical lot, most of them doubted that this man could really be as ugly as claimed.  So, Caerwyn stepped forward.  "I'll take a look," he said, handing the stagemaster five true.

He climbed up onto the stage, lifted the cloth to take a peek... and screamed and fainted dead away.  Two stagehands had to drag him off to the side and revive him.  Now the audience's curiosity was piqued.

Acacea now bounded forth from the crowd.  "I've seen all kinds of monsters," she said brightly.  "This guy can't scare me!"  Handing the coins to the barker, she hopped up onto the stage and walked over to the lone man in the chair.  She lifted the edge of the cloth, and took a look.  Slowly, the colour drained from her face, and she fell over in a dead faint, stiff as a board.  When the stage hands brought her 'round, she was, astonishingly, speechless for an hour afterward.

The crowd rumbled.  This man's face was, clearly, everything it was advertised to be!  But still there remained a skeptic.  Five coins clinked down at the barker's feet.  "I'll take a look," said Arkolio, strolling up onto the stage.  As he approached the man, he felt a certain amount of trepidation... but, ever mindful of his image, he approached the man with seeming confidence.  Nerving himself, he lifted the corner of the cloth and peeked underneath...

...and the man in the chair shrieked and fainted.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on June 23, 2008, 06:24:24 am

Yeah, that's funny. Now, I dare you to log on and play your character.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: EventHorizon on June 23, 2008, 07:38:27 am

(Classic with a layotwist)

It was a normal day in the fair city of gold, the buzzing sounds of merchants haggling and wagons with people moving to and from the harbour had about reached its peak, the city was alive and for the moment even the weathergods seemed content at bading the city in sunlight.

Keen on exploiting this oppertunity, Sallaron had been sitting on a bench for about an hour, his eyes closed and his face turned up towards the sun.
The buzzing sounds from the city having put him in a comfortable trance of a trouble free existance.

Suddenly something changed, a sound that was new and intriguing.
Enough so for him to open his eyes and attempt to locate its source.
It was the sound of a female creature, a voice sounding upset, or disappointed.
Finally spotting the source of this voice, Sallaron studdied the halfling to whom the voice belonged. She looked as he had suspected, upset and unhappy.
The odd thing was that she was jumping up and down, repeating her upset sounding and contineous phrase:

- 0, 0, 0, 0...

Curious as to what was going on, and taking on his most cavalier smile Sallaron got to his feet, and walked over to the halfing, noticing that she was jumping ontop of a manhole cover.
Sallaron pondered and thought to himself, this is probably part of the sound that caught my attention.

Still, the halfling kept jumping, up down, up down, bouncing on the manhole cover, singing out her little verse:

- 0, 0, 0, 0...

Sallaron leaned down and put up his most winning smile, asking.

- You sound upset little one, something wrong there?

Not getting any answer, Sallaron looked around, it was approaching lunch hour and the city was actually starting to calm down somewhat, as people were racing for the best restaurants and taverns through out the city.

- You sure everything is alright little one? I gotta go now or I'll be late and you dont want to be late for dinner with you wife I tell you that much... especially not when she can toss fireballs at you.

The halfling looked even more upset at the prospect of being abandoned making Sallaron grumble at his predicament.
Then suddenly the little halfling spoke:

- You want to try?

Sallaron scratched his head and shrugged thinking to himself; Just a kid wanting a little attention... indulge it and be off to meet Tegs.
Thus, with a friendly tone Sallaron spoke:

- Sure I'll try!

The halfling seemed happy and moved aside, allowing Sallaron to take her place.

After having made sure, no one was looking Sallaron started to jump up and down ontop of the manhole cover, mimicing the halfling's verse singing out:

- 0, 0, 0, 0...

Suddenly, and with unearthly precision, the halfling pulled the cover away, sending Sallaron screaming into the sewers below.
Then quickly putting the cover back she took her position, bouncing on the manhole cover once more, a slight grin on her face as she started singing on a new verse:

- 1, 1, 1, 1...

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Stephen_Zuckerman on June 26, 2008, 07:41:09 pm

Twenty-one! Twenty-one! Twenty-one!

...

Twenty-two!

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on July 24, 2008, 10:44:07 am

A wagon carrying a dozen dwarven defenders on the way to a big battle in the mountains spins out of control on the icy road, crashes through some vicious brambles, rolls down a 200' embankment, turns over, and burst into flames.

There were no injuries.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on July 25, 2008, 11:18:20 am

A funeral service is being held for Shiff who has just permed. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that Shiff is actually alive!! Praise the Gods!!

Shiff lives and carries on adventuring for ten more years, and then finally dances his last tango with the Soul Mother. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, Val cries out,

"The wall! Watch the wall!"



[size=-2]Insensitive? It's my middle name[/size]

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: ShiffDrgnhrt on July 25, 2008, 12:31:55 pm

Heheheh HAHAHAH!.....  I guess Val didn't want Shiff back again, huh?  

Don't make me come over there...

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: jan on July 25, 2008, 12:38:59 pm

Quote from: ShiffDrgnhrt

Heheheh HAHAHAH!.....  I guess Val didn't want Shiff back again, huh?  

Don't make me come over there...

You would know for sure if she had removed the wall ;)

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on August 08, 2008, 06:30:09 am

Steel rode into North Fort and stopped at the dusty saloon (not pictured in-game) for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers, especially weirdly blue and red armoured ones. When Steel left the saloon some time later, he realized that his horse had been stolen.

He rushed back into the bar, handily flipped his sword into the air, caught it above his head without even looking, and then displayed some serious 20th level manoeuvres .. "Who stole my horse!!??" he yelled with rather scary sounding forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another ale and if my horse isn't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I did back in Vehl. And let me tell you, I don't wanna have to do what I did back in Vehl!"

Some of the Sederan locals shifted restlessly.

Steel had another ale then walked outside to find his horse was back. So, he saddled up and prepared to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and said, "Say there fella, what happened in Vehl anyway?" Steel turned back and said,

"I had to walk home!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on August 22, 2008, 06:54:31 am

Trouble Tempest excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over two other female friends in addition to my fiancé, and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry".

The next day, Trouble brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

Tegan immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Mom. You're right, how did you know?"

"I don't like her."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on September 06, 2008, 12:04:21 am

A noble lady of Katherian, ever on the edge of high-fashion, goes into a shoe store and sees a gorgeous pair of boots. She asks what are they made of, the material is unlike anything she has seen previously. The assistant says they were made from the skin of permed mages and cost 150,000 a pair.

The noble lady says she could not afford that.

The assistant says,

"Don't worry, we have them in permed fighter's skin for 1,000."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on September 21, 2008, 10:55:11 am

Sallaron and Tegan had been married (http://forums.layonara.com/photopost/showphoto.php?photo=127312&limit=recent) for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that little old Tegan had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned Sallaron never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day Tegan got very sick and the priest of Folian said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the by now quite aged himself Sallaron took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two potions of cure light wounds and a stack of coin totalling 500,000 true.

Sall asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," Tegan said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and craft something to distract myself."

Sallaron was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two potions of cure light wounds were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the potions, but what about all of this true? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," Tegs said, "That's the money I made from selling the potions."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on September 25, 2008, 11:29:23 pm

Due to the credit crunch, Bjornigar (Champion of the independent crafter) finally condeded the economy was doomed and had to get a new job. Times were hard and Bjornigar tried everywhere - finally he gets to the zoo.

"We've had a bad case of avian flu and all the penguins have died," said the zoo keeper.
"As they are our biggest attraction, I need you to dress up as a penguin and pretend to be one all day. It pays 50 true and all the fish you can eat."

Well that's not too bad, thinks Bjornigar, so the next day he is there flapping about and swimming and eating fish.  "Not a great job, but hey, we've all had worse," he says to himself ...

A few weeks later some local children are visiting and decide to have some fun - by throwing a penguin into the lion's den! So they pick up Bjornigar (despite him flapping his little wings) and chuck him over the fence.

He looks around and sees a huge lion approaching ... it's crawling up on him until he sees the whites of his eyes. In panic Bjornigar shrieks,
"LET ME OUT, LET ME OUT, I'M NOT REALLY A PENGUIN - I AM A DWARF IN A PENGUIN SUIT!!!"

"Shut up or you'll get us both sacked!" whispers Fenrir.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Carillon on September 30, 2008, 10:11:54 pm

Q: Where are you when a demon pushes you up against a wall?

A: Between a vrock and a hard place.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on September 30, 2008, 11:54:46 pm

Sheesh, i'm normally the mane culprit for bad jokes, where'd you dretch that one up from?

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on October 05, 2008, 06:52:25 am

Sallaron and Tegan were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Carocsa Bay, Dregar. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. Locals would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".

Bumblebee, fresh out of his retirement and back at the Dragon's Whisper was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.  Sallaron replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon. We visited the Rift, near Dalanthar, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when Tegan's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. Tegs looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again Tegan quietly said, "That's twice."

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time Tegan quietly began casting and one Greater Ruin later, the horse is blown to smithereens.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, woman! Why did you blast the poor animal like that, are you a *adjectival* maniac?"

She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once." and from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."




[size=-2]// If different people would give me a thanks or two, they too might have their characters appear in this enviable thread![/size]

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on October 05, 2008, 06:53:38 am

I went to Willow's Weep the other day and saw four men carrying a coffin of a permed adventurer. A few hours hours later I saw the same four men, carrying the same coffin. Thought to myself, they've lost the plot!

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on October 09, 2008, 10:23:11 pm

Grok the Barbarian walks towards the general merchandise vendor in Vehl and the shopkeeper whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest barbarian in the world.  Watch while I prove it to you."

The vendor puts ten true in one hand and five true in the other, then calls Grok over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" Grok reaches out with his oversized hand and takes the five true and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the vendor.  "That fella never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees Grok, ale in hand, coming out of the inn. He approaches Grok and says, "Hey!  May I ask you a question?  Why did you take the five true instead of the ten?"

Grok takes a messy slurp of his ale and replies,
"Grok t'inks day me takes ten shinies is day game be over and me buy own beer". *nod nod*

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on October 09, 2008, 10:28:18 pm

Sallaron was on the ground, the encounter with the kenku not having gone as well as planned and now the lifeblood was spilling from the gaping wound in his side. Trouble, hands trembling and sweating nervously, prepares to apply the healing salves and bandages. His voice barely above a death's door whisper, Sall motions for Trouble to bend lower.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son. Do your best at healing this wound ... just remember one thing, if it doesn't go well, if you roll a one on your heal check and I lose my 15th strand ... your mother is going to come and live with you."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on October 16, 2008, 07:42:03 pm

Jako Stonehill, alchemist extraordinaire (http://forums.layonara.com/tradeskills.php) had finally finished his Pièce de résistance, the ultimate in alchemical solutions ... bottled bardsong. In conjunction with Acacea he had bottled epic level bardsong, usable by any class, any time. It did however come with a suitably epic pricetag, 1,000,000 true a bottle.

Angela Swann approached Jako in order to make a purchase. Jako reverently produced the potion, handed it to Angela, and with a grip on her shoulder, warned, "This is powerful alchemy and it must be respected. You take only a single swallow and then say "1-2-3." When you do that, you will not only get a bonus to attack and damage, but extra hit points, skill bonuses and an AC benefit too. However! Best thing yet, unlike normal bardsong, with its duration limited to however long your bard might be able to maintain focus, this potion lasts until dispelled."

Angela was delighted. As she walked away, she turned and asked, "How do I dispel the potion then?" "You must say "1-2-3-4," Jako responded. "But when you do, that'll be it and its efficacy is lost forevermore."

Angela was eager to see if it worked. She went home, gathered up Alantha and the rest of the Raven crew for an assault on the Deep. Surely this wondrous potion would ensure such a venture was completely successful. The Ravens fought their way down into the Deep until they reached a point where they were sorely beset and things looked grim. Time for the potion thought Angela.

"1-2-3!"

Immediately, the epic bardson rang out loud and clear. It was if Acacea, in full voice, was present and belting out her best tune herself. The battle began to turn immediately in favour of Raven.

Alantha, all smiles, leans over to Angela and asks, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"


And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Stephen_Zuckerman on October 17, 2008, 12:25:00 am

Ark, for that, you should specify that SOMEONE has to say 1-2-3-4. ;) In the original, there was someone specific; here, you say that ANGELA has to say it... But she doesn't.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on October 17, 2008, 12:29:32 am

Hey, don't shoot the messenger. I just copy the jokes and change the names.

If I really wanted to impart a lesson in proper English, i'd PM darkstorme or ycleption and ask them to start a thread. :P

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: ycleption on October 17, 2008, 12:33:03 pm

Pseudonym, having failed to instruct his son on the dangers of poor preposition use, decides that reading a bedtime story might help the child's grammar. His son only requested that Pseud not read selections from that horrible book with traditional Australian fables. Pseudonym, knowing that children learn best when they are suffering, goes downstairs and takes the book in question off the shelf. When he returns, his son exclaims, "Dad! What did you bring that book that I don't like to be read to out of about Down Under up for?"*






*disclaimer: Ycleption does not condone strict adherence to pedantic Victorian grammar rules. Ycleption does, however, enjoy making jokes about such rules. Ycleption also realizes that "down under" in this context is not a preposition, but figures you all can deal with it for the sake of the joke.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: ystrday on October 18, 2008, 02:14:02 am

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.  One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.  Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support
until the child turned 18.
 
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
 
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
 
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
 
On the card was written:
 
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
 
Three with meatballs, two without.
 
Send extra sauce.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: darkstorme on October 18, 2008, 06:19:43 pm

*snickers*

A halfling, Benny Underweld, was strolling through the Katherian market one day, looking for a new oil lamp.  His bedside lamp, you see, had recently developed a leak, and so the notoriously frugal Mr. Underweld was looking for a bargain.  Spotting a lampseller, he ambled over, and combed through her wares until he found a dusty old lamp, a little battered, but otherwise serviceable.  He haggled the seller down, and returned home with his prize.

When he started to buff up the lamp, a genie billowed out, as these stories tend to go.  However, this genie looked a little odd - he was four feet tall and had a full beard.  He was, in fact, a dwarf.

"Oh great dwarven master," the Genie intoned, "What would ye 'ave o' me?"  Here, the Genie paused, and looked Benny up and down.  "'Ey, now.  Ye nae be a dwarf!  Where be me dwarven master?"

Benny started to explain where the lamp had been found, but the Genie just shook his head.  "Ah well, ye'll 'ave to do."  The Genie cleared his throat.  "I'll grant ye three wishes - but ye cannae shave yer beard again once ye've got 'em.  If ye do, th' consequences'll be...dire."  At Benny's incredulous look, the Genie shrugged. "I dinnae make the rules, lad.  If ye'd been a dwarf, this wouldnae be a problem."

Benny thought for a few minutes more, then agreed.  "Alright, I want ten million True, a loving wife who bakes like a champion" - he was, after all, a halfling - "and a mansion in Katherian."

The Genie nodded.  "It be done," he said, and vanished.

And the wishes did come true.  Benny went home to find his home stuffed with True, a deed to a mansion sitting on his bed... and the very next day, his neighbour, a comely halfling lass, came over to borrow a cup of sugar and fell madly in love with him on the spot.

However, all did not go so well for poor Benny.  The Dark Ages came, and money flowed out of his coffers like water, just trying to keep food on the table.  His mansion, lacking the funds to keep it in repair, quickly became a shambles.  And his wife, sobbing, left him because of the gorsebush of a beard he had developed over the years, and refused to shave, the reason for which he dared not disclose.

Finally, heavily in debt, the mansion sold to his creditors, Benny stared at himself in the mirror at a local inn, and thought - "To the Pits with it - I've got nothing left, I'll shave my bloody beard."  However, just as he was wiping the last of the lather off his cleanshaven face, magical light surrounded him, and he heard a voice say, "Didnae I TELL ye?"

In a flash, Benny was transformed into a decorative urn, and teleported in amongst his fellow urns in the temple of Xeen, never to be heard from (or found) again.

It's an interesting story, of course, but more important is the moral, remembered by halflings ever since: "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: ShiffDrgnhrt on October 18, 2008, 06:27:50 pm

Boo!  Puns!  Boo!  :p

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on October 30, 2008, 05:47:43 pm

There is a knock on the Soul Mother's door. She looks out and an adventurer is standing there. The Soul Mother is about to begin her interview when the adventurer disappears. A short time later there's another knock. The Soul Mother gets the door, sees the man, opens her mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again.

"Hey, are you playing games with me?"  the Soul Mother calls after him.

"No," Pyrran's voice replies anxiously. "They're deliberating about my reimbursement!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Stephen_Zuckerman on October 30, 2008, 08:19:01 pm

Quote from: Pseudonym

There is a knock on the Soul Mother's door. She looks out and an adventurer is standing there. The Soul Mother is about to begin her interview when the adventurer disappears. A short time later there's another knock. The Soul Mother gets the door, sees the man, opens her mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again.

"Hey, are you playing games with me?"  the Soul Mother calls after him.

"No," Pyrran's voice replies anxiously. "They're deliberating about my reimbursement!"

I fully expect her to greet Pyyran with a kiss and an offer to dice for his last strand.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Link092 on November 10, 2008, 05:48:29 pm

A young, intelligent man hears of a deaf, wise man in the mountains of Ulgrid, who could reply to any man's words, and repeat they're name, having never heard it.

Determined to learn what trickery this old man knew, the young man climbed the mountains, fighting off yeti as he worked his way to the top.

Arriving there in ragged condition, The young man looked up to see an imposing figure, whom he could only guess was the Wise man.

"Your the old man of the mountain?" said the young man.

the wise man nodded, and motioned the young man to follow. as he followed, he flinched at every loud noise made by falling boulders as he passed. he tried talking to the man as they walked, noticing that he didn't flinch when the boulders smashed into the ground.

"I know your trick! you stage all of it!"

The old man didn't even notice, and continued forth. The young man continued, but still, the old man never heard a word of it.

Once they reached a small hut tucked away deep in the mountains, he turned and greeted the young man by name after looking slightly up, almost dazed. It must have been from the hike. The young man was surprised nonetheless, and asked where he learned his name, or if he had some magic power. The man stopped, looking dazed again as he squinted his eye with an upward glance. he replied with a simple no to both, and went to fix tea. The young man continued his questions, but noticed the old man didn't hear him. they held a short conversation over tea, and the young man grew impatient. He was baffled. how was such a phenomena possible? He begged the old man to tell him how he did it. The old man grinned, and motioned above the young man's head.

as the man stared in awe above him, the old man replied, "Jus' 'cause I lost me hearin' don't mean I forgot 'ow teh read."

Title: Joke
Post by: ystrday on November 22, 2008, 04:28:42 pm

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping "napkins" in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake). Now fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife, who gasped then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge!! My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. "But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!'

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on January 29, 2009, 04:43:12 pm

One night Sall, who was barely able to walk let alone mount up on his horse after a big night at the Prantz Inn, wisely left his horse tethered and walked home through the sleepy district of Haft Lake. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, a stern deep dwarven guard stopped him.

"In the name of Sulterio, what are ye doin' out 'ere in the wee hours of de mornin'?" said the guard.

"I'm going to a lecture" Sall slurred.

"And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the guard asked suspiciously.

"Tegan" answered Sall with a sigh.

Title: Joke
Post by: ystrday on February 13, 2009, 08:05:59 pm

Ark accidentally rear-ended an ox cart one morning. So, there he was alongside the road waiting to see what happens, and slowly the driver of the ox cart came around to Ark. There was Ark soo stressed that the little things of the situation seemed funny, that Ark couldn't believe it, Ark couldn't just believe it, the driver!.... He was a  DWARF!!!

The dwarf stormed over to Ark, looked up at him, and shouted, *I AM NOT HAPPY!!!*

So, Ark looked down at him and said, *Well, then which one are you?*

And then the fight started.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Stug3 on February 13, 2009, 09:27:34 pm

He ho, he ho, that's a pretty good joke you know..he he he ho, he he he ho, he ho he ho he he he ho.
 
 
 sorry...stuck in a hotel room and getting a bit stir crazy.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: ShiffDrgnhrt on February 13, 2009, 09:40:22 pm

Clearly, he was Grumpy!  :p  ;)

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Thief Of Navarre on February 14, 2009, 08:02:56 am

Quote from: Pseudonym

A wagon carrying a dozen dwarven defenders on the way to a big battle in the mountains spins out of control on the icy road, crashes through some vicious brambles, rolls down a 200' embankment, turns over, and burst into flames.

There were no injuries.

Im going to copyright that one before you do ;)

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on April 02, 2009, 06:41:41 pm

"Salad again??? Just 'cos you need to lose weight doesn't mean I need to go on a diet too!!" wailed Sallaron.

*fast forward an hour, Sallaron walks into the consulting rooms of the local possessed-of-the-healing-domain cleric*

"Ummm, Doc, I have a little problem."

*Blushing furiously, Sallaron unties his breeches revealing a small piece of lettuce dangling from his bottom.*

"That doesn't look too bad, we can take care of that straight away for you." says the cleric.

"Not too bad?" Sallaron whimpers. "That's just the tip of the iceberg."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: ShiffDrgnhrt on April 02, 2009, 06:42:43 pm

That's more Gross then funny...

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: LordCove on April 03, 2009, 01:41:18 am

Eeww!

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on April 11, 2009, 06:41:44 am

A polar bear walks into the Scamp's Mug and says to the bartender, "I'll have a tower ................. malt .............. liquor."

The bartender asks, "Sure friend, what's with the big pause?"

The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: ShiffDrgnhrt on April 12, 2009, 12:00:52 pm

Got one, but it's not a Layo joke...

What did the Hysterical Avionics Engineer build on his day off?

A ROFLcopter!

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on May 01, 2009, 01:17:21 am

It's been too long since i've posted a truly terrible joke ...

There was a lass named Chanda who was very interested in making a true where she could, probably to finance one nefarious scheme or another.

As it happened, the Church of Toran needed painting and advertised at the Trade & Market Hall for a painter. It was to be a big restoration job and they were inviting quotes. Chanda, no fan of the Toranites as a general rule, decided to bid for the job but her cunning scheme involved watering down the paint to a quite substandard consistency. Muahahahahahahaha, said she.

Chanda put in a bid and because her price was the lowest, she got the job.

So she set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine. Evil alignment indeed.

Well, Chanda was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the Temple and knocking Chanda clear off the scaffold to land on the grass among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Chanda was no fool. She knew this was direct intervention from Toran himself, a very rare thing on Layonara requiring permission from Ed or L, so she got down on her knees and cried:

"Oh Toran, accept my apologies; what should I do?"

And above the sound of thunder, a mighty voice spoke.

"Repaint, Repaint, and thin no more!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on May 07, 2009, 09:07:56 pm

A young man began dating sweet Lissa. Lissa's father, no less impressive a personage than Connor Garvill himself, was interviewing the nervous fellow.

"So," thunders the mighty mage, "you want to be my son-in-law, do you?"

"Not particularly, " said the young man, "but if I want to marry your daughter I haven't much choice, have I?"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on May 15, 2009, 04:20:51 am

Arkolio looked down at his birthday present, courtesy of Angela and Alantha. Turning it this way and that, he inspected the complicated timepiece designed to be worn upon the wrist.

"It's not that I'm not grateful, far from it." said he, "But I think you misunderstood."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on May 21, 2009, 10:07:42 pm

Hard times in Layonara. The Deliarite sub-prime fiasco. The housing glut. Money was tight.

Kurgin Stormbrow needed to find some paying work, and Durgen told him he'd heard that they needed someone up at the Blacksmiths. Kurgin went to see the fella, and said,

"Mah brudder tells mah yer lookin' fer someone tah work 'ere."

"Aye, that's right." said the Blacksmith, "Can you shoe Horses?"

"I'm not sure," said Kurgin, "but I once told a pack o' centaurs to pike off."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: ystrday on May 21, 2009, 10:16:06 pm

That one was so bad it was funny.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: ShiffDrgnhrt on May 21, 2009, 10:21:33 pm

Quote from: Pseudonym

Arkolio looked down at his birthday present, courtesy of Angela and Alantha. Turning it this way and that, he inspected the complicated timepiece designed to be worn upon the wrist.

"It's not that I'm not grateful, far from it." said he, "But I think you misunderstood."

Okay...  I'm a bit comedically challenged, but is this because they never gave Ark "the time of day"?  ;)

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on May 21, 2009, 10:30:56 pm

Yeah, let's go with that. I will use such an explanation in any future 'we-need-to-have-a-chat' chats with Leanthar over this thread!

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Stephen_Zuckerman on May 22, 2009, 12:43:45 am

Quote from: Pseudonym

Yeah, let's go with that. I will use such an explanation in any future 'we-need-to-have-a-chat' chats with Leanthar over this thread!

I think Arkolio had the right idea to start with.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on May 28, 2009, 11:09:26 pm

Fenrir was walking through the mountains, all in a sweat because his WLDQ wasn't looking good and mithril was scarcer than ever. Looking up to the heavens he cries,

"Battle fahder, take pity on mah. Iff'n ye help meh foinds sum mithril, ah'll beh happy an' cheerful forever more. Nae more bein' surly!"

Miraculously, a lump of mithril appeared on the ground right next to him.

Fenrir looks up again and says, "Never moind, Ah found sum."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on July 10, 2009, 08:43:51 am

Alatriel wakes up and tells Aerimor,

"I dreamed that you gave me a beautiful emerald necklace for our anniversary and whisked me off for a holiday of a lifetime on the beaches of Dregar. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," Aerimor replies with a smile.

That evening, Aerimor comes home with a small package and gives it to Alatriel. Delighted, she opens it.

Inside is a book entitled 'The Meaning of Dreams'.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Alatriel on July 11, 2009, 01:56:57 am

Quote from: Pseudonym

Alatriel wakes up and tells Aerimor,

"I dreamed that you gave me a beautiful emerald necklace for our anniversary and whisked me off for a holiday of a lifetime on the beaches of Dregar. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," Aerimor replies with a smile.

That evening, Aerimor comes home with a small package and gives it to Alatriel. Delighted, she opens it.

Inside is a book entitled 'The Meaning of Dreams'.

He forgot when Alatriel then slapped him *grins*

ok... so she wouldn't really slap him, but let's just say... the reaction would be less than impressed ;)

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on August 27, 2009, 10:00:50 pm

On the day after he successfully completed his WLDQ, many of the dwarves of Layo brought congratulatory presents for Fenrir. Kurgin, Weapon Crafting extraordinaire, handed Fenrir a gift-wrapped box. Fen shook it, held it up and said,

"Eh bet eh know what it is! Eh't be an axe?"

"Dat's roight!" shouted Kurgin happily.

Then Gimli, gem crafter without peer, reverently handed Fenrir a gift. Fen held it up, shook it and said.

"Eh bet eh know what it is! Eh't be a box o' emeralds?"

"Dat's roight!" shouted Gimli.

The next gift was from Argali, brewer, alchemist and tinker. Fenrir held it up and saw that it was leaking. He touched a drop with a thick finger and tasted it.

"Is eh't ale?" he asked.

"No," Argali answered.

Fenrir touched another drop to his tongue.

"Is eh't whiskey?" he asked.

"No," Argali answered.

Another taste.

"Eh got it, it be mead?"

Argali gives a little head shake.

Finally, Fenrir said, "Eh give up. What is be?"

Argali replied,

"A puppy!"

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on November 27, 2009, 03:45:13 am

Dear Soul Mother,

So far this year you have taken away my favourite character Arkolio, my favourite crafter Goldwin, my favourite rogue Lueanne, my favourite Rofi Barion.

Just so you know, my favourite GM is darkstorme.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on January 29, 2010, 06:48:21 pm

Sallaron and Tegan are walking in a very spiritual grove deep in the Forest of Fog when they come upon a deep well. Two wolves frolic playfully nearby, Sall and Tegan can almost feel the presence of the Prince of Wolves himself. Tall and majestic trees tower over them, the forest canopy allowing a dappled light to fall to the ground. A halo of bright sunshine fall directly onto the well before them. Sall, realising the significance of this place, leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a single golden true. Tegan, his wife of many decades, decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns.

Sall whispers reverently , "Wow! It works."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: ystrday on January 29, 2010, 07:21:11 pm

Hahahahaha!! And he's back.. BUT!! *lol* who do you think Sall talked to about helping Ark out of his precidament with money??

;)

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on February 05, 2010, 02:48:55 am

BUT! It's the world of Layonara and death is but an inconvenience, easily overcome.

Sall rushes the drowned Tegan to the nearest priest and plonks her dripping form at the startled cleric's feet. The Priest of Folian takes out his Eye for the Soul and kneels beside the body, muttering a few holy words under his breath. The priest looks up and says,
"I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," says Sall, "but she's a great cook."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on February 26, 2010, 02:40:43 am

A barbarian from Krashin boards a ship sailing into Leringard, carrying two dead squirrels. The ship captain looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."


A hungry lion was roaming through the Forest of Fog looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a scroll; the other was scribbling away with his quill. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the parchment and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.


Two Krashin barbarians (having disembarked from the ship above) sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


Within an alchemist's crucible two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."


Did you hear about the monk who refused clerical healing during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


A group of chess enthusiasts gathered in the newly rebuilt Leringard Arms and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, Tyra came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," she said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Sedera and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Morholt, they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a painting of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the painting, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a painting of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: ShiffDrgnhrt on February 26, 2010, 02:43:23 am

Such bad puns!  I love it!

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on March 05, 2010, 03:35:49 am

LAWS WE ALL LIVE UNDER

(sorry, tired and can't be bothered Layonara-izing these!)

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

LAW OF GRAVITY - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF PROBABILITY - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

LAW OF RANDOM NUMBERS - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

LAW OF THE ALIBI - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

VARIATION LAW - If you change lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF THE BATH - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

LAW OF THE THEATER AND FOOTBALL STADIUM - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance.

THE COFFEE LAW - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

MURPHY'S LAW OF LOCKERS - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

LAW OF PHYSICAL SURFACES - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

LAW OF LOGICAL ARGUMENT - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

LAW OF PHYSICAL APPEARANCE - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

LAW OF PUBLIC SPEAKING - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

LAW OF COMMERCIAL MARKETING STRATEGY - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

DOCTORS' LAW - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on March 12, 2010, 04:57:01 am

Jehoram was standing at the counter at the Temple of Deliar when an old lady came up and asked him to help check her balance. So he pushed her over.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on March 12, 2010, 04:58:48 am

Tralek had a familiar named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks. Bad Minton.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on June 05, 2010, 02:46:39 am

A famous Krashin explorer returned home from a raid south and found his name missing from the town register.

His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologised profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on June 18, 2010, 12:20:18 am

Rofireinite Knights of the Wyrm in Fort Vehl just announced the discovery of an illegal cache of 200 vials of poison, 100 garrotes, 50 slaves, 20 barrels of Xeenite wine, 1,000,000 in counterfeit true and smuggled contraband all in a semi-detached shanty house behind the Public Library.

Local residents were stunned. A community statesman said, "We're shocked. We never knew we had a library!!"

Title: Joke
Post by: Alatriel on September 09, 2010, 07:31:15 pm

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on November 02, 2010, 07:26:18 pm

Arkolio - "Sall, old friend, how've you been?"

Sall - "I spent some time by the wife's grave today."

Arkolio - *nods sympathetically*

Sall - "She doesn't know ... she thinks I'm digging a pond."

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: ystrday on November 02, 2010, 09:57:52 pm

Hahahaha.. =P

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Chazzler on November 03, 2010, 12:17:24 pm

Haha  :D

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on February 19, 2011, 12:42:56 am

Ni'haer's apprentice asked him for a pet spider for his birthday, so Ni' went to the local pet shop and, lo and behold, they were 100 true each!!

Bollocks to this Ni' thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Title: Re: Joke
Post by: Pseudonym on February 19, 2011, 12:48:09 am

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given right-of-way, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water and, for that reason, did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favour to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're Razeriem!"