The World of Layonara
The Layonara Community => Just for Fun => Topic started by: cappyra on September 12, 2005, 10:38:00 am
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For you fathers out there with daughters here is a good 10 rules to go by. My daughter is 4 but hey... gotta plan early... and guns will only get more expensive with time... =P
Haha Enjoy =)
10 Rules For Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door
with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will
not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in
fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will
take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to
your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a
"barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,
we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my
house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you
will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If
you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on
time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on
her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't
you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is
warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down
parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual
theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding,
middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,
I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where
you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel,
and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in
my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring
my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit
your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter
password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely
and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come
inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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Oh man...
I have two daughters now...*groans*
*goes looking for more ammo*
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heh heh. Thanks. I have 2 daughters, 4 and 2. Like you said, never to early to start planning. Now I just need to buy some camoflauge.
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Uh... I don't like those.
But I don't really have daughters so that might be it.
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Hehe, I don't have any daughters (Well Duh) but I do have three sisters and I'd feel the same way if I wasn't afraid of them. Trust me, I'd almost feel worse for the first guy to try and take advantage of one of them... "almost" :o
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Alright! When did you talk to my father?
*laughs* seriously though.. sounds just like him.
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Lalaith Va'lash - 9/12/2005 9:35 PM Alright! When did you talk to my father?
*laughs* seriously though.. sounds just like him.
Seriously? Eep.
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#10 is great.
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I prefer the Uncle Buck wave the machete so the poor guy can see it.
Or maybe sharpening it as he comes to pick them up. :)
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*mumbles something about grumpy old men*
*starts to run before he get his head crushed by Derrick*
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I had a semi-amusing reply to this but I couldn't find a way to phrase what the "rules" for myself were without making me out to be a crazy-psycho woman who hates the world, and really that's just inaccurate.
It was just to emphasize the "If she's dating you, you're probably not a total idiot, but mistakes do happen." slant to how things work here.
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I have had this list for months.... It wil be implemented soon when my girls take interest in boys. :P
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I am a firm believer of actions speaking louder than words.
When the young man is standing at the door and you slowly crawl out of the bushes (that he just walked by) with a bowie knife, full camouflage, and a deadly look on your face; that says a lot right there. And, letting him know that you could kill him with just one hit is also effective.
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@Lala and ID - yeah, she's pretty right... except for #10. He's not crazy, just protective and owns a lot of guns :P
@Twidget - yeah... it says a lot... about the chances of one spending much of the near future in a government run protective facility.
-TV
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I've changed my ex-girlfriend's father's oil before, while I waited for her to come home from work. But, at the time I was just a habit at her house, having been great friends with her older brother since about... 1st grade in schoolin'.
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I have one daughter - I can sympathize with this guy:
There was a farmer who was very protective of his daughters. Before
every date, he would meet the young man at the porch with his shotgun,
and if he didn't measure up, he'd make sure they left.
One day all three of his daughters were going out on the same night.
The first young man drove up and approached the porch.
"Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here to get Flo, we're going to the show - is
she ready to go?" The farmer thought this was a bit strange, but called Flo down and the two departed.
Shortly, the next guy drove up and approached the porch.
"Hi, my name is Freddy. I'm here to get Betty, we're going for
spaghetti - is she ready?" The farmer also thought this was a bit weird, but he called Betty down and the two left.
Soon the third guy drove up and approached the porch.
"Hi, my name is Chuck..." and the farmer shot him.
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Alright, never went to the folks of any girlfriend... and I'm bloody sure I'll never do it after this post. *shivers*
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I have a little sister.
Any of her boyfriends won't take long to figure out who the creep in the black van who has been following them is ..... it won't matter for too long after he finds out either ... dead men don't care ...
Do you know there are about 21 different ways to kill a man with a spoon?
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Ah, guys, so much needless work! Just produce a little brother: a natural born spy, tattle-tale, and extortionist. Then inform the daughter that she goes nowhere without this model chaperone until she goes down the aisle.
Yes, my parents really did that to me.
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Zhofe - 9/12/2005 9:17 PM Do you know there are about 21 different ways to kill a man with a spoon?
SPOON!!!!!
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Zhofe - 9/12/2005 10:17 PM I have a little sister. Any of her boyfriends won't take long to figure out who the creep in the black van who has been following them is ..... it won't matter for too long after he finds out either ... dead men don't care ... Do you know there are about 21 different ways to kill a man with a spoon?
*starts countin on his fingers*
One... two... three... *a few moments later* Elven... huh, and you say twenty one? Amazing...
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Zhofe - 9/12/2005 10:17 PM
Do you know there are about 21 different ways to kill a man with a spoon?
Twenty one ways, you say? I know of about...5 or so (I lead a sheltered life |-) ) So if you could just send me that list...
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I will list a few of the weirder ones.
#12 - the Spoony Strangle -
Catch the victim unaware, palming the spoon, then get close, for instance, spooning with the victim. Once close, press the spoon hard into the windpipe, crushing it.
#17 - The Lecter Way -
Drug a fellow, take the top of his head off with a bone saw, then spoon out his brain, cook it, and feed it to him.
#21 - The Snake Way
For our Metal Gear Solid fans, while wearing a bandanna sneak up behind the victim, spoon in hand. Now, press the spoon into their back as if it is a gun, and say in a gruff voice "Freeze." When they comply, and put their hands up, quickly grip them around the neck with your non-spoon hand, and do a sweeping kick to the back of their knees to bring them down. hold the spoon to their throat, and begin to interogate them. Once you have your answers, saw their juggular with the spoon until you break the skin, and they die.
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I'd just like to point out that number 17 "The lecter way" is void, because bonesaws don't cut through healthy tissue, so the victim would have to have been dead for a while beforehand ;)
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Eh, then use a normal saw .... use something to take the top of the skull off ...
Worked in Hannibal ...
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Hmmmm....I think I may use some of these at school...Thanks for the tips; now i can do my job professional-like |-)
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Zhofe - 9/14/2005 3:45 PM
Eh, then use a normal saw .... use something to take the top of the skull off ...
Worked in Hannibal ...
Hannibal wasn't real :P
Sorry to ruin the fun :)
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Yeah, you can kill someone with a spoon.
Funny things they teach in the military eh? ;)
Even if it was kind of a joke... hehe. Oh and it was a spoonfork anyway, but you could use it without the fork too...
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*throws a spoon at Feninox*
Anyway ... to Idii, killing people with sporks or forks are completly different arts than with a spoon. I've also never been in the military .... so they could probably teach be a few new tricks.
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Nah, for real combat experience with kitchen utensils, ex-convicts have everyone beat. Read an article about a man who got a filed down toothbrush up the nose and through his brain. No matter how big one gets, the human body is a fragile little thing.
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The Spoon #22
Yer take the spoon an gut them HAR! Yer I know spoons are dull... but it yer can do it... it jus takes awhile. . .
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why are so many threads disgusting lately?
-TV
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All the pleasant ones are currently taken
please try again later
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Human nature, my friend, human nature.
So...I never got those other spoon-tips *takes out a notepad*
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Talan Va'lash - 9/15/2005 2:55 PM why are so many threads disgusting lately? -TV
Maybe you're just squeemish. Ever think about that Talan. Huh, didja? Maybe you're the one with the problem...
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I have two daughters 3 and 5....and I can relate to those rules....
dont own a gun....but a crossbow is just as effective and very silent....*grins*
the saying goes: "if you have a boy your worry about him, if you have a girl you worry about the whole neigbourhood's boys"
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My three year old daughter proudly announces that she has a boyfriend (also aged three) last night and then today I discover this old thread .... I don't believe in coincidences.
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*laughs*
My 5 year daughter announced who she was going to marry and that she is going to have two children this week....As last year she was going to marry her female best friend I'm not worried.
Anyway....Daddy owns lots of swords.
Oh and my Dad used to have a nasty habit of walking into the lounge to meet a new boyfriend carrying a handgun which he would proceed to throw at said boyfriend saying "So what do you think of that"
Strangely enough I have two kids and live with the guy who checked it was in fact unloaded, the safety was in fact on and proceeded to discuss the merits & flaws of said handgun rather than just turning white and siting with it in his lap....And yeah...My Dad likes him
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.....This makes me happy I don't have a dad.
My mom, however, Is worse.
Trust me, with dads its killing, with big brothers its killing with little brothers its kind of one on one spying.
With mothers you have the insta-gossip chain, so you WILL have the town watch of nosy women keeping an eye on you WHEREVER you happen to be.
Ugh.
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DMOE - 1/10/2007 11:59 AM ...As last year she was going to marry her female best friend I'm not worried.
Hey, nuthin wrong with that! As long as they both grow up good looking and engage in plenty of healthy girl's sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such. *Pseudonym nods his approval*
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Pseudonym - 1/9/2007 8:41 PM DMOE - 1/10/2007 11:59 AM ...As last year she was going to marry her female best friend I'm not worried.
Hey, nuthin wrong with that! As long as they both grow up good looking and engage in plenty of healthy girl's sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such. *Pseudonym nods his approval*
I think I have to hand in my guy card for saying that's awful (if, admittedly, with a big, goofy grin). Oh, and killing a guy with a metal SPORK is about as easy as one, two, tear out his carotids. As to the daughters? Heh. I have to say that tossing the gun was a bloody good idea. I'll have to do that, when I have kids.
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heh i remember this, i think Robin Williams made it. my code with my duaghter, and i'm actuaal gunna have this posted on the front door before the kid comes, in bold letters " KID READ BEFORE KNOCKING!"
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I am worried I got 3 daughters.. My oldest, she can protect herself. She did get kicked out of school for punching out a boy for snaping her bra strap. My youngest, she is to much of a handfull for any boy. But my middle one, I will have to tell the boy I know most of the cops in town and I am not affarid to use them :-)
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3 girls, 16, 13, and 12. Yes, spoons do work, but the best to do is sit at the table with a nutcracker cracking walnuts. The symbolism is never lost.
Remembering a quote from a movie I saw long ago:
"I am a Karate expert and know 100 ways to kill you"
"I only know one way to pull this trigger"
nuff said.
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Desicardo - 1/10/2007 1:34 AM
"I am a Karate expert and know 100 ways to kill you"
"I only know one way to pull this trigger"
nuff said.
lol! brilliant!
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Jearick Hgar - 1/10/2007 10:20 AM Desicardo - 1/10/2007 1:34 AM "I am a Karate expert and know 100 ways to kill you" "I only know one way to pull this trigger" nuff said.
lol! brilliant!
*laughs*
When faced with martial artists who insist on 'showing off' about it I have always said I much prefer the 9mm martial art *winks*
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Soon the third guy drove up and approached the porch.
"Hi, my name is Chuck..." and the farmer shot him.
oh man..
good tips. *prints them out and posts them by the front door* My daughter just turned 17 last month ;p Unfortunately, I sold my only shotgun several years ago to man with a gun collection *shrugs* But I do own a lot swords, knives, and billy club.
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Pseudonym - 1/10/2007 1:41 AM DMOE - 1/10/2007 11:59 AM ...As last year she was going to marry her female best friend I'm not worried.
Hey, nuthin wrong with that! As long as they both grow up good looking and engage in plenty of healthy girl's sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such. *Pseudonym nods his approval*
*laughs* By the time my daughter has grown up good looking and is old enough to engage in such healthy girl sports as those you listed....
Your going to be far to old to appreciate them *grins and ducks*
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*splutters and wishes he could think of a retort*
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Thought of one!
Is someone EVER too old to enjoy the spectacle of two consenting ladies engaging in said aforementioned healthy pursuits?
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*laughs* I don't know....Maybe you should ask her Father *winks*
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Walking a thin line here guys.
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Understood. *goes off and hides from Dorg, DMOE and especially Egoober!*
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Understood *looks suitable chastised*
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I think I will avoid dating your daughter at all... not that Im afraid, but the age difference is simply too big, hah! or.. har! (Funny stuff by the way!)
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Keep an eye out for ya daughters, IM always up for a challenge :)
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Keep an eye out for ya daughters, IM always up for a challenge :)
You better have some really thick plate armor...;)
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I have this feeling I won't need to do much to protect my daughter from future potential boyfriends/girlfriends. Rather, I think it will have to be the other way around. She's 15 months old, and the second-youngest in a group of five kids at her day-care, the ages of the other kids ranging from 6 years to 10 months. Apparently, as I've been told, she's the bully. O.o
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I have this feeling I won't need to do much to protect my daughter from future potential boyfriends/girlfriends. Rather, I think it will have to be the other way around. She's 15 months old, and the second-youngest in a group of five kids at her day-care, the ages of the other kids ranging from 6 years to 10 months. Apparently, as I've been told, she's the bully. O.o
haha! oh, that's great! *wipes off tears after much laughing*