Sensible Observations

[Tobias]

[SIZE=24]1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]passengers in his car." [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]--Author Unknown[/SIZE][SIZE=13]  [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]--Author Unknown[/SIZE][SIZE=13]  [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]There's a support group for that. [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]--Drew Carey[/SIZE][SIZE=13]  [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]drop them off at the wrong house." [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]--Jeff Foxworthy[/SIZE][SIZE=13] [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]--Dave Barry  [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]There should be severance pay, the day before they leave [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]you, they should have to find you a temp." [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]--Bob Ettinger[/SIZE][SIZE=13]  [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]--Paula Poundstone  [/SIZE] [SIZE=24] "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]authors of that study: "Duh." [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]--Conan O'Brien  [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]I could be eating a slow learner." [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]--Lynda Montgomery[/SIZE][SIZE=13]  [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]Let's go west.'" [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]--Richard Jeni[/SIZE][SIZE=13]  [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]impersonators would be dead." [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]--Johnny Carson[/SIZE][SIZE=13]  [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]--Paul Rodriguez[/SIZE][SIZE=13]  [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]but they turned sixty and that's the law." [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]--Jerry Seinfeld[/SIZE][SIZE=13]  [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]What, do tall people burn slower?" [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]--Warren Hutcherson[/SIZE][SIZE=13]  [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]Monogamy is the same." [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]--Oscar Wilde[/SIZE][SIZE=13] [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]member of Congress.. But I repeat myself." [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]--Mark Twain[/SIZE][SIZE=13]  [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]At least they can find Afghanistan." [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]--A. Whitney Brown[/SIZE][SIZE=13]  [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]and the dog will give you a look that says, [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]'My God, you're right! [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]I never would've thought of that!'" [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]--Dave Barry[/SIZE][SIZE=13]  [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]--Unknown, presumed deceased[/SIZE][SIZE=13]   [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]I believe I''ll have another beer." [/SIZE] [SIZE=24]- W. C. Fields[/SIZE][SIZE=13] [/SIZE]

[Marswipp]

Darn, not using linux at the moment... If I was, I would have posted some silly fortunes; although, I will do such later.

[Kapitän Awesome]

Jeff Foxworthy is truly wise....I think, once I'm up at that age, I'm going to try that. Many, many, many times.

and by the way, I can find Afghanistan

[Marswipp]

Here are two fortunes:

We cannot command nature except by obeying her.    -- Sir Francis Bacon

Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of normal routines, for children and adults alike.      -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack"

[Doc-Holiday]

There is an idiot on every bus, pray God have mercy if you can't find one. - me

[Marswipp]

I found the following on google, the first link when searching for quotes.

http://www.quotationspage.com/ (Warning: that site has popups.)