The spells that just didn't make it . . .

[Fatherchaos]

Planar Binding: Any native outsider who fails a save versus spells is stricken with constipation.

Banishment:The targeted outsider is sent to a remote island without internet access.

Mestil's Acid Breath: New and improved Garlic flavor! Terrorize Vampires and annoy your friends!

Stinking Cloud: Makes the rain smell funny.

Burning Hands: Duration lasts as long as you hold the hot kettle. Those observing must make a fortitude check or start to laugh at you.

Produce Flame: Not for the faint of fart.

Speak like Dead: ARRrrrrgggg, Braaaainsssss. Also comes in Pirate Variant: Arrrrrrr, Rummmmmmm.

Deaf Armor: Protects against all sound based attacks and commands of significant others.

Elemental Shield: The Periodic Table of Elements grants +5 to AC versus students.

Charm non-person: Your chair will like you more, for a time, until it realizes you just abused it to sit down. Then you'll get splinters in retaliation. Has some limited effect also on In-laws and hut to hut salespeople.

Expedious Repeat: Grants the Ability to Say Jinx faster than your childhood chum.

Grease: Canola and Sesame oil variants. Great for Stir Fried Pixies.

Makechange: Converts any easily portable currency into an annoying and plentiful, but equally valuable, array of lesser coinage. If cast on copper those around you are stricken with hideous laughter.

Firefall: This spell has been outlawed and upgraded to feathers. Variant spell allows caster to shoot balls of fiery feathers.

[darkstorme]

• Bigby's Extended Middle Digit - +10 to Taunt
• Detect Dead - "Yup.  He's dead."
• Magic Missive - Letters appear from the aether and fling themselves at the target.
• Blindness-Deafness (self) - Strikes caster blind and deaf.  Useful at would-be bard open-stage night at the pub.
• Tasha's Hideous Daughter - DC 30 Bluff check or you have to take her to the Prom.
• Detect Detect Magic - Determines if the Detect Magic spell has been cast.
• Invisibility (Clothes) - Renders the target's clothes invisible.  Range: Self.
• Bull's Grace - Grants the grace of the bull to the target.
• Magic Circle Against Alignment (Personal):  Creates a magic circle, centred on the caster, that hedges out individuals of the caster's alignment.
• Hold Hand - First base.
• Fryerball - Rains chicken soup on the target.  Material Component: one chicken.
• Evard's Spiked Tentacles of Forced Intrusion - Wait, what?
  
• Charm Monster - Still in the spellbook, but the original version was a smidge too strong, and embarrassed mages petitioned for a change.
• Mice Storm - Squeaky, but not terribly dangerous.
• Polymorph Elf - Deemed too limited a spell.
• Hold Muenster - Leaves you with a handful of cheese.  Not to be sneered at, but Create Food and Water works just as well.

[lonnarin]

Horrid Quilting: Produces 1d4 Tapestry Golems/lvl

Meatier Swarm: 20d6 collasal bludgeoning damage via cyclone of heavy mutton

Smell Mantle: Absorbs 1d8+8 offensive odors, popular in dwarven lands

Phlegmatic Spray: covers a cone of enemies in a mucousy goo, to a wide variety of effects

Globe of Vulnerability: shrouds the caster in a big globe of light, as if to say "hey archers, look at this guy with no armor!"

Chain Smoking: compells a target to smoke 20d6 cigarettes, with peer pressure damage of 10d6 more to all in the radius

Hold Monster/Person Closely: Paralyzes the enemy fondly with a warm, friendly hug

Wall of Desire: Produces a line of hot elven go-go dancers to divert the enemy's attention

Vampiric Taste: Suddenly everything tastes like a dead person in nice clothes

Protection from Elephants: Just cast it here and viola!  I'm saving your life.  What do you mean I didn't really cast anything?  You don't see any elephants out there, do you?

Gruel Touch: Mess up their fancy clothing with the power of gruel!

Shrew Strike: Unerringly hits the target with an angry rodent

Expeditious Defeat: Increases the enemy's hitroll, hit points and armor class

Magic Gristle: Thwaps the enemy in the head with fatty meat byproducts

Page Armor: Gives a book +4 deflection vs ripping, tearing, smudging and foxears

Mass Cam Massage: Produces 10d6 ethereal hands to give Cam Cutter a relaxing rub

Breath Ward: Produces a minty fresh odor in ones mouth for 1 hour/level

One with the Bland: +4 to put subjects to sleep with vivid tales of one's star trek memorabilia collection

Protection from Malignment: +8 to saves vs. tabloid media portrayal

Lice Storm: infects the scalps of all in 30-foot radius

Shame Strike: produces 2d6 naked baby pictures of the target

Spud Frenzy: enrages 12d6 potatoes to dubious effect

Undeath's Infernal Toe: Curses the target with necromantic athlete's foot

Mass Veal: serves 1d8 +1/level

Raise Bread: for when yeast fails to fluff

Hammer of the Atheists: Nothing happens.  Absence of evidence is evidenced as absence.

Negative Energy Ray: Summons a depressed guy named Ray to the party for 1 round/ lvl to totally give off bad vibes and spoil everybody's buzz

Mass Waste: a personal laxative

[Gulnyr]

• Bull's Grace - Grants the grace of the bull to the target.

That might not be as bad as you imagine...

[LightlyFrosted]

My thoughts on the matter are already clearly public record.  ^^

http://forums.layonara.com/just-fun/132982-spells-you-wont-likely-see.html
But this shall doubtless get me thinking.

[ShiffDrgnhrt]

Find Nemo - Because if it worked, there would be no movie...  (or Character concept!)

[Fatherchaos]

Fry Nemo - the companion spell to Find Nemo.

Don't forget the cantrips Lemon Zest and Sauce of Choice.

Some nasty spells:

Death Token without error: Immediately teleports you into a solid object next to Soul Mother.
Teleport with Error: Guaranteed not to get you to your destination.
iWin: Summons a massive red button.
Magic Miss-all: Caster becomes completely oblivious to everything.
Bigby's Inlaw's Hand of Forceful Intrustion: Very effective against any locked door or portal of a non blood relative. Not to be mistaken for Bigby's Soliciter Swatter.
Fowl of Doom: The chicken was undercooked, and you feel nauseous.
Mass Fowl: Calculates the volume and density of any edible bird with the correct number of significant digits.
Annoy Planar Ally: Tick off your guardian angel.
Smart-e-pants: +20 Bluff, -30 Charisma and Int.
Bigby's Remote Pie Grab: acquires nearest pie, and a large section of the wall and window it was resting in.
Floating mist: It's not fog! I swear.
Slay Dead: material component: Snake oil.
Tongues: Summons a Mexican dish.
Terrorists Win: Plants a gnomish bomb.
Paste: Negates Grease. Usable as a food substitute with 0 calories.

Tenser's Awkward Extension: Makes target much taller, but with stretched features. If you experience tallness for more than four hours, see a shrink.

[Desicardo]

Endure elements: +3 save vs. chemistry class

Divine Favor: God get me out of this and I will be good the rest of my life

Summon Creature 1: "Here Rover!"

Summon Creature 2: "Here Kitty Kitty Kitty"

Darkness: "Clap Off"

Eagles Splenda: Use as a sugar substitute

Ultravision: I am sure my mother had this spell when I was a little kid

Clarity:  That split second after you realize you just did something really stupid

Searing Light:  What you see when you look into the flash on a camera when the picture is taken

Animate  Dead:  Commonly used by parents when attempting to get children up for school

Inflict serious wounds:  What parents threaten if the animate dead spell doesn't work

Freedom of Movement: material component: X-lax

Spell resistance:  What parents usually encounter when trying to get their kids to study for a spelling test

Harm: Usually follows immediately after Clarity

Sunbeam: When cast, a mixer or blender immediately appears on the kitchen countertop

Gate: Used by the pets called in Summon Creature 1 and 2 to escape and run away

Energy Drain: Otherwise known by the name 'teenage daughters'

[Fatherchaos]

There seems to be some sort of evacuation trend in some of these spells. In the words of the Professor: "a bowl movement so strong he won't have any bones left!"

A new discipline of magic perhaps? Certainly brings new meaning to the term "mud mage" to me

[LightlyFrosted]

Haste Citrus Fruit - The only safe speed-alteration spell for citrus fruits.  Otherwise, a lime is a terrible thing to haste.

Solve A Long Argument Very Quickly - Got coupled in with 'Hellball'.  Now an epic level spell.

Tasha's Hideous Daughter - Summons 1d6 blind dates.

Undeath to Life - Sort of the opposite to 'undeath to death', but the former undead, instead of falling to the ground in pieces, instead rush off to go and get a retirement plan.

Maxwell's Silver Hammer - Summons both a weapon useful against undead and shapechangers, and the cheeriest song ever written about a serial killer.

Bestow Xurse - Not actually a spell, so much as a typographical error in the manual.  You wave your hands about, and say 'Upon you a xurse will last forever, even to the seventh generation!'.  Then, while they're trying to figure out what that means, you run away.

Can-Trip - And will!