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Messages - Eorendil
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141
« on: September 05, 2006, 12:14:08 pm »
The doorway of forgetfulness (DC:40). You walk through that door and instantly forget whatever it was you came in for.
142
« on: August 22, 2006, 11:22:52 am »
The difference is in how the character choses to die, not simply the game mechanics. If you're cornered and there's no other solution a person that fights like a possessed badger, knowing that he will likely die, should return. Someone that turns and throws themselves on their own blade before the enemy could.. well.. meh.. be a good candidate for perm. I don't believe you should return simply because you will yourself to and want to avoid death or torture at the hand of the enemy. That makes it too nice and clean... in a way. And, for the faithful of some religions that choice of suicide might not be a choice their god appreciates in the long term.
Think of it this way. Fighting insurmountable odds isn't like giving up or acquiescing.. unless that is your sole intent to sacrifice yourself for some reason and even then there are valid reasons for such actions depending on belief, etc. Caighd has 'sacrificed' himself several times to buy a group time to prepare for a fight or save someone's life. Anyway, turning on your own blade is like clicking or not unclicking those boxes on internet forms that allow them to share your information so you can be bombarded with SPAM... Except, in this case, the box reads "I give up... and all that that implies."
At least, that's the way it would seem to me. My opinion, I know.
143
« on: August 18, 2006, 04:58:19 pm »
I recieved a note from Lord Duvall today. His answers bring hope to my faith but I still fight, merely to keep my course and not to step down. The nightmares come occasionally now on nights that I do not drink of Ozymandias's draught. They hover over and strike at me. Thank the gold for dreamless sleep, for without it I would be addled and insane.
I think I'll keep this letter here as a reminder of why I joined the service of the Gold.
//placed inside and unfolded so that it takes its own place as a page in his journal is the once sealed letter from Lord Duvall.
Dear Brother, Let me begin by saying that the fact that we are inperfect is the reason why Rofirein cares for us so greatly. We do make mistakes and we do not act as we should act. It is this very nature that makes us human. However Rofirein looks into the hearts of people and challenges them to become better individuals. There are some of those people who have the potential to be shining examples to others and to these Rofirein speaks especially for he is ever hopeful that we can improve the lives of those around us. That we can be a light in the darkness of humanity bringing people to know whats true and right. People like you and I serve the Will of the Dragon. We can be what we are without being a Knight or a priest or have some official title and rank. These are nothing to Rofirien for he looks directly into our hearts. So as too can a lay member act in the same capacity of people like us I say no, they cannot. We are here to guide such people in matters of faith, to be examples to them of how to divine true justice and to follow the will of the Dragon. Ours is a higher calling and one which we have a heavy responsibility to follow. We are always looked to as this example and Rofirein has seen that we are stronger in our nature to be able to work through problems and see the right of things. But even in saying that sometimes we can fail as well. It is whether we allow that failure to drag us from the path to follow the Will of the Dragon or makes us stronger in ensuring we do not allow it to happen again. We are the faith, we are Rofireins chosen. Chosen to stand at the forefront of scrutiny, the forefront of justice and the forefront of the Will of Rofirein and be judged by all. The challenge is for us to withstand that judgement so that people can see how to improve their lives and live in the love of Rofirein. I pray that this helps you in your time of self-doubt. May the Light of the Dragon be with you, Tarradon Duvall
144
« on: August 18, 2006, 04:53:04 pm »
If you have been found guilty of something it is likely best that, in the future, you avoid completely even the possible appearance of repeating the offense again. Such was a recent problem with Mith...
It seems he was noticed by more than one individual following a group that set out into the lands of Xantril. In this group was Anna. I can not imagine the fear and dread this stirred in here that he may, once again, be up to his old tricks. Quill and Seteece were livid. Within the Freelancers we are family, or, we are supposed to be. It seems a recently returned founder was once a good friend of Mith's and has told him of the babies' fate. Many are worried for they are rumored to be on another plane and Mith, himeself, is rumored to be a planes shifter.
Regardless, Quill and Set spoke harshly to Mith and I thought that to be enough so I simply observed in case things got out of hand. I didn't want a carelessly flung spell to cause the death of innocents nearby. Eventually they all settled to venture to the Arena in Valensk and attempt to mediate their differences there. It was near that time that Celgar came along and began to torment Mith. Ireth also too interest in the proceedings and made quick pace down the road toward Velensk, right behind Anna and Quill. I was sure fighting might break out right there in Hlint but even Mith kept his temper in check. The arena was another story.
Mith and Quillwem were at one another in the arena and according to Mith he allowed Quill to win at first because he wanted Lee to feel better. I've no stomache for this sort of manipulation. Celgar... well, Celgar took pot shots at Mith every time he was weakened and bested him a number of times.. Mith returned the malice while I yelled at both of them at the top of my lungs to cease. Celgar, however, is the instigator in this instance and I reported him as soon as we left, though Mith was given mention as well. I have heard nothing since. Without a fight Mith also let Ireth run him through with her blades.. though I understand well, from my time with Anna, why he would allow this without a fight.
Path showed up shortly before Celgar and Mith went at it in earnest and seemed a bit put out by the whole affair. He hasn't known Anna as long as the rest of us and his dealings with her are limitted. From his demeanor I can tell that he does not trust that Mith has done anything to her. I don't know that I trust the man. He seems to place himself higher than others.. well, all are equal under the law.
Mith made many statements, none of which stuck as they were mostly empty threats or piteous attempts at sympathy. He suffers a fate of his own design, I'm afraid, and redemption nor forgiveness come as quickly as he would have it. Quill and others left ahead of him and then after his fight with Celgar as well as his slaying by Ireth's hand he too departed. Seeing that Ireth comforted Anna I headed out the door on a hunch only to see Mith do something odd and then walk off.
There on the ground he left something behind. Its purpose was obvious to me. In some manner it was meant to antagonize Anna and just after I picked it up he returned, telling me of a temple of Shadison hidden on Xantril. Why does he wish to tell me this? I needed to put in that report.. I think it hovered in the back of my head so strongly that I only heard half of what he said and then he was gone. By the Gold, that man is as unpredictable as a rain cloud. You never know when he's going to rain on you, blow by on the breeze, hit you with lightening or tear apart an entire village with barbaric winds. I took his words with a bit of salt and then went to report the nights festivities.
On my way back I visited with Quillwem and Path.. Quill was torn.. My friend. I know how he feels to have struck out in anger.. but the magicks of the arena have spared him my shame and regret, thankfully.
I don't think they know.. or.. perhaps Anna is just too blind with fear and grief to see that I see. I am happy that her heart is on the mend. It sets my soul at ease that her fate and my Imogen's are not twin fates and that she holds hope. My burden feels lessened and yet.. I still carry one that, at times, threatens to bring me low. Perhaps Anna can help show Imogen the way after all.. or perhaps she can help find those that will.. I pray.. nay.. I beseech the Lord Protector.. even if my actions of so long ago have soiled me in your eyes that you will guide us in her healing.. protector her from the horrors that haunt her..
//added later in a different ink
Ran into the one known as Hood or.. Caldiir. It had been some time since I'd seen him and I felt all that anger boil up inside me. He ran off with the coin purse of a noble and left us to pay for his transgressions. Were it not so long ago or were we back on Mistone at the time I would have charged him with wanton endangerment and theft. Its drow like him that give those few redeemed individuals a bad name...
145
« on: August 18, 2006, 03:48:24 pm »
At times in our lives we grapple and clamor for things, thinking that this or that may make us whole or bring us happiness. And yet, it is often the things that we do not see coming.. things that, sometimes, we can not see until they are but a breath away.
I must have slept on and off for days.... three.. no, perhaps four. I've likely used a fair portion of that draught. I shall have to ration it from now on... perhaps a dose every two or three days. Well, it was time to stretch my legs and try to get back to the world.. back to the Freelancers, to my friends.. I hope my lack of sleep did not cause me to lose my senses and act, at any time, improperly. Well, perhaps it had. I had forgotten about something.. about some friends far away.. and the angels. Mala
Yet again I portaled to North Point where Mala and Meira watch dutifully over the fallen angels. Despite the change in climate I still find a certain amount of peace there. The smell of the air is unlike any other place I have been and the almost carries away my burdens. But, this day I was not to dwell. Shortly after I had setup a fire outside the temple of Aeridin Mala exited the temple. I think I startled her, sitting there and all but she was glad for the company. We smiled and chatted next to the fire for a time and then I presented her with a bag of coin for the trip home. I could tell this pleased her and we returned to Hlint where she could attend to many unfinished tasks.
We even ran into brother Daniel. He was just leaving the bank and heading to mine some copper. Already heading in that direction we invited Daniel to join us but Mala left her gem chisel back in Hlint and so as she shrouded herself in order to retrieve it, Daniel and I stood and talked for a time. Daniel said something that made me laugh so hard I almost hurt. I do not remember the exact words but he was quite surprised at the color of my skin and thought it, originally to be some sort of mask. He was so emberassed but I tried my best to assure him that I took no offense. I fear my laughter may have made him uneasy.
Being as dark as I am and yet human, I stand out. My size doesn't help. Perhaps long ago I may have taken offense but I have come to expect some curiosity and questioning regarding it. Our parents never spoke of where they were from, only that it was a long and tiring journey that brought them to Haven. I suppose that because I am so different it has made it easier to accept those that are also different. Regardless...
Mala returned to us shortly and set to chiseling rough gems from the stone. After filling her pouches and some of mine we continued deeper into the caves until we were joined by a man named Thane and Lokri. Lokri I've described before. Thane is a man as adept with his hands and feet as some are with iron blades or a bow. In the deepest caverns we fought a horde of goblins and their leader but they could not stand against us for long. They lack organization and discipline. On the way out, though, Mala nearly fell to an ambush. Fortunately, I was able to distract them and with a wide stroke of my hammer slew many in one blow. With their attention diverted the others were able to quickly tend to Mala's wounds.
The rest of the day went much the same. We assisted Thane and Mala in many endeavors and soon we found ourselves and many others in the Haven mines. I chanced a look in Imogen's open window as we passed through and saw her resting quietly. I pray every day the the Lord Protector will guide me in helping her and in what it is that I am to do. I simply do not know if I am worthy of being one of his chosen. Not after what happened...
The mines.. yes.. we ventured into the mines. I thought Lokri was wreckless and headstrong before but I'd not seen this side of him, careening and charging down halls, tearing into ogres... and abandoning his comrades for the furry of battle. Not all of those with us were skilled enough to stand alone against these fierce creatures. Mala shrouded herself with magicks and left at some point. While I wish to see her safely to the surface I knew her to be far more capable of slipping past the ogres and those with Lokri would need my help. Luckily, none among us fell, though it was very close at times. Crazy Dwarf.
The rest of my time I spent assisting others in finishing their tasks, mundane and otherwise. Iago, Sasha, Rawkwin, Ael... We traveled over much area from the Grey Peaks to Velensk and the mountains beyond. It was a grand venture. The rocks themselves rise up in those mountains and attempt to drive you to the ground. I wonder what causes that..
While my head is clear and my thoughts more fluid they drift even more to my poor dear Imogen. I just don't know where to start. I could tell everyone I meet but what would that do? How would that help?
146
« on: August 16, 2006, 11:07:47 am »
//on this page can be seen the bleed through of the stain from the previous. There are numerous errors and scratches, words written and rewritten. Sentences are crossed out and reformed numerous times//
Lord Duvall,
My existence may or may not be known to you but you are known to me. My name is Caighd Brendimeere and I am a paladin of The Lord Protector, sworn in his service. I seek your wisdom and counsel my lord. For though my faith is strong, events of my past have caused great doubt in the path that I follow.
What does it truly mean to be one of his chosen? What is it that I offer that so few others are capable of? Could not a lay-member of the fellowship act in the same capacity? I thought that I had the answers at one time but I struggle with them now. I am torn and can not see clearly.
Years ago I looked forward to being a potentiate of the Knights of the Wyrm but I can not bring myself to ask to be tested. A part of me feels that I am not yet worthy even for that and I may never be.
Forgive me if the intent of this letter seems unclear. It has been a long time since my thoughts were not completely addled by exhaustion and I still suffer, some, its effects. I seek guidance.
In faith and deed,
~Caighd Brendimeere
//at the very bottom of the page, in small writing, is the following//
I can not bring myself to tell him why.. what it is that plagues me. So tired. I need guidance.. afraid of being judged, myself. If he asks I will tell. For now the questions I have must be enough. I send this and then I sleep.... more...
147
« on: August 16, 2006, 08:05:19 am »
*though the page is barely ledgible if you stare at it just right, the thing that would stand out is what appears to be a very arge water stain in the middle of the page*
Still nothing from Ael. Did get a small draught from Ozy. He was passing and heard.
I was with a group. Should have left. I led them through Broken. Must have left the path.. or lost sight. Vines everywhere. Next I know, I'm in Vale. Someone helped me get past giants. Set's portal back to Hlint. Tested draught on Ox... Ozy said .. one cap full.. He's asleep. now I wait.
*A LOT of spiraling and scratch-mark type doodles adorn the middle of the page. Several lines of hash marks too*
Superb. The Ox woke up. Seems a bit dazed.. Took a cap full. Don't feel anything. Ox seems okay. Maybe another cap f.. *A heavy ink mark starts at the end of the sentence and trails off the page*
148
« on: August 16, 2006, 07:38:08 am »
My eyes close but they don't sleep. I wake tormented and anxious from the dreams. My eyes are so heavy. They fight to close. Anywhere. Middle of Hlint. Desert Dune. The boat to Point. The Forge... Hard work keeps me awake... sometimes. How long without real sleep? A week? Two? Can't think.
Gathered bags of sand for Quill. So Hot. Makes me sleepy. Blasted snakes. Deserts full of them. They crawl out from under every rock. Scorpions too. Many bags of sand. Thought I saw a dragon. Washed my eyes with water. A sand dune. Many many bags of sand. Hard to focus. Sand makes me tired.
Passed through Haven.. visited mom. Another priest.. Ilsare. Try and help Imogen. I stayed out. Listened Only heard priest speaking. Mom tried. Told me lie down. No... I can't stay. Gave me a little food.
Left the sand in the warehouse. Went to Point. Lyle and Anna at the bar. So hungry. Ate an entire meal. Lyle sang and played music. Made me feel like moving some. Good fellow. Very grounded... down home. Enjoy his company. Just too tired. Gave Quill all the dusts I collected. Several Beryl. He was happy. Anna told me go to bed. So I went but... Not ready. I went back to Desert. More sand.. Again through Haven. Looked in on Imogen. It was Dark. Very tired. I couldn't stay awake.
149
« on: August 15, 2006, 04:57:11 pm »
If what he mentions is true then it would be automatic if you were wielding the bastard sword by itself but I wasn't sure NWN did that...
150
« on: August 15, 2006, 09:36:53 am »
Idea on gem dusts....
I know that some gem dusts are used as a spell component and here's an idea to limit the number of item slots they take up while still allowing casters to keep large amounts on their person. Pouches for gem dusts. The pouch would have two different uses. One would bring gem dusts into the pouch, effectively increasing the number of charges the pouch had. The other would remove individual amounts of gem dust from the pouch for usage by the caster. Now.. I suppose you could limit the max number of charges/individual servings it is capable of holding but that would be up to the person making the rules.
Now.. you'd have to have a pouch for each type of dust you needed to use and I'm not sure if you'd have to sell them pre-labeled for each type. I've never tried to script something like that.
That's my idea. It would definately allow the users to still carry significant amounts on their person.. we all know gem dust doesn't take up that much room. And at the same time it would eliminate the vast number of gem dusts the server has to go through during the loggin in process.
151
« on: August 14, 2006, 01:18:49 pm »
No great amount of information or insight to put down today I think. The world streams past and it feels like I'm barely able to keep my grip.
I traveled through Pranzis and met Honora. It was a good day to find old friends. She was holding something for me which I'd expressed an interest in and I went ahead and paid her for her trouble. Seems she's in love with Michael.. Mordekai? I know him by sight but I'd never asked how he spells his name. He's a big half giant fellow, though perhaps not that much taller than I. So often I find myself eye to eye with the smaller of their kind. Something just tells me that they're a good pair. Honora is noble and caring and Michael... well, he is also I spose. He always seemed to me to be very honorable and valiant.
So, I have the set I was seeking. I'm not sure what I'll do with them... now that I have them.
I am concerned for the Citadel and for the Church of The Lord Protector. Very little news comes from there these days. Some time ago the church of Toran was ransacked and left in rubble but our order, it seems, took no action. I suppose that to take action might have brought down the wrath of those responsible upon our own faith but we do not cower in the corner when an ally or innocent is attacked. I worry that the church may hide completely behind Broegar's laws, being that law and order is one of our greatest beliefs. However, it is not our only calling and a balance must be struck and held because we can not tolerate opression and wickedness in rule merely for the purpose of our own survival.
I met Anna, Quill and a new friend in Pranzis that day as well; a dwarf by the name of Lokri. Unusual fellow. Very strong accent. I'm not sure I understood him correctly most of the time but I stayed close as we moved. Brash and headstrong too. He's not one for standing around talking. It would take a legion to keep him out of trouble I think.
The confusing part.. A lady friend of Quill's, Laliath, is back but he didn't want her to know he was around... yet... but he was glad she had returned... It all makes no sense to me. Too many twists and turns. Anna seemed to agree with my thinking and was rather upset at Quill for his deception. She fussed over me a bit when I said I still had trouble sleeping. Perhaps the shock of my confession did not damage our relationship as I had thought. On the sleep issue Quill told me to speak to Ael and before I went to toss and turn in my bed I send him a letter by falcon.
Without sleep... without real rest.. the days mix together. Night and day flow into a grey mixture of timeless passing.
152
« on: August 14, 2006, 01:16:14 pm »
Questions to answer in this thread: • List any DM/GM experience that you have and when the last time you performed this function. This is not a requirement.
[INDENT]I've been GMing for the last 15 years and still GM or play occasionally on Saturday evenings. During that time I've created three worlds, destroyed one of them and am slowly working on completing the lore and character of the most recent one with my wife. She and I have co-GMed on numerous occasions with great success. [/INDENT] • Have you GM’d using NwN? If so please list for what world(s)/module(s) and for how long. This is not a requirement.
[INDENT]No. [/INDENT] • Describe why you want to be a GM in Layonara.
[INDENT]I love the community and the team and I enjoy GMing. Honestly, I enjoy GMing, creating and running more than playing sometimes. I like to challenge and push the boundaries of how people/characters think or the way in which things are percieved. Sometimes it's tongue-in-cheek and sometimes that's dead serious. [/INDENT][INDENT]Part of why I GM in general: I like creating bad guys.. and not-so-bad guys. Not necessarily the world threatening, imminent evil sort but just characters with lives of their own as well as personalities and real quirks. I especially love it when people say they really hate them.. or love them. That's the best of compliments in my humble opinion.[/INDENT][INDENT]I'd love to be able to work with the fiendishly brilliant people that contribute to the Layo experience. Some of them remind me of myself when I GM. *cackles maniacally*[/INDENT] • Describe what Quest GM’ing means to you in Layonara. What do you think will be the outcome if you are chosen to be on the team?
[INDENT] Quest GM'ing is a large part of what gives Layo that living, breathing feel to it. It also helps a lot of characters to evolve and grow. That goes for GMs too because you can never tell what some characters are going to come up with or how they might take your quest in a whole new direction.
I think its the little things that make the server what it is.. the small quests, the impromptu interactions, etc. Though that may be where I would start my personal love is long term overarching plots with subplots and interwoven stories and if everything were to work out well that would be something I would strive to run in addition to the smaller quests. I also enjoy working with the toolset and would be happy to help out there in any way that I can though my scripting skills are only passable.. Ultimately I would hope that adding myself or anyone to the team would strengthen the team as a whole and thereby greatly increase the enjoyment of the layo community. Of course, if it were me I'd be having tons of fun doing it. =)
[/INDENT] • How long have you been a member of Layonara? You need to have been active in the community for at least four months.
[INDENT]Coming up on six months. [/INDENT] • Do you wish to be a part time or full time Quest GM?
[INDENT] Part time. Though, if I'm up to doing more sometimes I'd hope I wouldn't get told no.
[/INDENT] Be sure to submit an example quest to Leanthar in a PM. It needs to give the starting and ending of a quest and any side things that a party can do within the quest as well as how you would handle situations within the quest. If done properly it will be at least 300 words but no more than 500 words please.
[INDENT] I'll have that for you ASAP.
[/INDENT]
153
« on: August 10, 2006, 01:49:43 pm »
Hrmmmmmmmm... NWN fave? I crave creative ways and bending of the laws of the universe so I spose most of mine would be RP only spells. Wish they had things like Wall of Iron, stone, etc.. though I enjoy everything lightening.
PnP.. Anything illusion based.. or anything that can be played with to get interesting results. Damage spells can have creative uses as well.
154
« on: August 10, 2006, 01:34:45 pm »
Glad you're doin better and really glad the doctors started listening. Welcome back!
155
« on: August 09, 2006, 08:10:11 am »
Disturbing though they might be I chronicle here the changes in my dreams so that when my mind is clear of this fog I might reflect upon them. They change more lately. It must be my lack of rest but I don't understand why, why they plague me now. I thought that, perhaps, after my confession to Anna that things might lessen but they intensify.
To the dreams.
I see her in the marketplace in Haven and I approach much like I did all those years ago. As I recognize the bracelet on her arms I run to my sister and just as it did her hood falls away. Only, its much worse. She is not alive. Great holes are there in her skin and her dark, empty eyes seem to pierce my very being. She does not run. In stead she attacks me with wreckless abandon and a strength that I could not match, throwing me from building to building, pummeling and tearing at my flesh. I wake seconds before what I assume would be my own death... I know this dream to be false because I have visited my dear little Imogen as she slept. There were no holes, no smell of death, but I know that anger lies there within her. I even channeled the energies of the Lord Protector and laid a blessing upon her. She continued to sleep a far more restfull sleep than I.
The dreams at the door. These are varied and many. The people change now and again but most of the time it is Imogen and Derrick. Sometimes I see Anna and Mith. Then again, I saw Anna and Jaleel once or twice I believe. More disturbing than the rest was one in which, after I blacked out, I looked down and, rather than Derrick, Imogen lay bloodied and dead at my feet. I can not describe the horror I felt at that dream. It was as if someone tore open, completely, the wound in my heart. I felt pain when I awoke, not only in the tears that fell but deep within my chest. I gasped and fought to breath. I must have passed again into sleep for I woke later, on the floor.
A few days ago I sent a message to Ael as Quill and Anna suggested. If he can mix a draught that will send me into dreamless sleep then perhaps I will have some rest from these night hauntings.
As far as my duty is concerned I still feel lost. I have found renewed reason to pray to my Lord but the strength of that bond is not as it once was and my feet do not fall surely on the path I once walked. I struggle to see the reason I once knew in my heart. I have considered releasing the blessing which was bestowed upon me but my love for all that that means to me still holds tight. Perhaps, when I can find an end to these dreams.. when the truth is revealed... when my dear little Imogen is released.. when my heart and mind are no longer torn asunder by the burden.. Perhaps then I will see more clearly the choice I must make.
156
« on: August 06, 2006, 09:40:33 pm »
Even through the darkest storms sometimes there is a bit of relief. One such time came as I walked the shores of Corax lake.
It was there, nearest the Forest of Mists that I met Tobias, an individual as quick with his tongue as he is with a sword, and Gravas, a Dwarf of considerable martial skill. The two of them were setting out to mine some Fire Opals, if I remember correctly, and after introducing myself I was quickly invited along. There was no small amount of banter between the two of them, much of it in regards to the Dwarf's personal hygiene. The antics of these two had me all but laughing as we stepped into the Vale to stock up on medicines and bandages. While we were there Tobias spotted a door that was trapped and quickly placed a sign upon it claiming it so. I'm not sure that the addition of the happy face was necessary but he is a very jovial individual. So, I thanked him for watching out for the innocent people of the area and warning them of such a danger. Gravas didn't seem as appreciative and I'm not really certain why.
From there we ventured to the Forest of Mists and into a mine controlled by the giants that reside there. The fighting was grim but we came away in good shape and after returning to the lake Gravas fell into a meditative trans.. or perhaps his Dwarven training allows him to sleep standing. Nonetheless after a considerable amount of time we attempted to wake him but he was completely unresponsive. Now, this is where I believe things got a bit amusing and while I did not take an active part in poor Gravas' torment I do feel somewhat guilty. At the time, however, I was not wholly myself as I find happens more and more often of late. Its the sleep.. or lack of restfull sleep.. and the nightmares. They're getting stronger, more vivid. Perhaps more on that later.
Tobias gathered all manner of flowers and wove a wreath which he placed on the Gravas' head. Following this he braided his beard with pink carnations. I've never seen a Dwarf, even a female Dwarf, looks so... dandy. Worst of all Tobias placed a sign on his back. I do not remember the exact words but the first part said "Kick me" and the second part was again in reference to Gravas' hygiene. Many hours later little Nyyana showed up and commented that, for a Dwarf, Gravas demonstrated a considerable amount of care for his appearance. I did not have the heart to tell her why but not long after Tobias ripped apart a number of bandages and began throwing wet globs of cotton at his still entranced friend.
As it happened, Tobias got bored and left. Quillwem happened to wander by a bit later and Nyyana and I joined him in gathering more resources from the mines.. It was all a blur, honestly. I take no pleasure in battle these days. Its as though I'm not really myself or not wholly in control of things. Its like being aboard a sea vessel, feeling the wind press it forward, the rutter force its course to change and the ship to pitch. And yet, while you are able to feel this taking place you are only an observer and, in a manner, helpless to effect the outcome.
Days, perhaps a week passed after that trip. The more tired I become and the less frequent sleep is the more such thing run together like bad paint. I'm not sure if I spoke to Quillwem or if I dreamt that I spoke to him. It all seems so... out of focus. Something, perhaps it was my exhaustion, set my tongue loose again and from my mouth poured everything I was thinking: my conversation with Anna, Imogen, my failure, my loss, my cursed tongue... it has no consideration for the feelings of others. He told me to stop and just as it had begun it ended, suddenly. I do not know how long I stood there prattling on and on but he had heard enough. He liked my honesty, he said... He also felt that Anna, perhaps, heard my words but in the voice of another. This made the most sense.. and as I stood there he tossed a fire opal at me. I didn't realize it at first and it was far too late when I did. It dropped to the floor and shattered. He asked if it could be assumed that I would miss the next or if I would learn from it.. and as I guessed he tossed another. This one I caught but only just so. It nearly slipped through my fingers. With that and the words, "Think about it." he left me there to my thoughts.
I have learned from my mistakes Quillwem.. I've learned that in my heart I can not serve two masters that require unwavering loyalty and dedication. At some point one of them will require to be put above the other. Now, which do I choose? In serving both I fail both. Am I big brother or am I champion of Rofirein? There is soo much work to do and I am thankful.. It is good for cleansing the mind and flushing the body. I feel as though I am at odds with myself, at odds with twin duties. My head hurts.. soo tired. Perhaps... perhaps an alchemist or someone that knows plants.. my thoughts grow unclear and writing is soo hard.. to have dreamless sleep would be a blessing.. I must seek that.
157
« on: August 01, 2006, 08:51:43 am »
So busy.. It takes time to sit and write and its so seldom that I feel capable these days but I did get some rest not so long ago.. many hours of blessed dreamless sleep; dreamless.. but I could her her soft voice singing somewhere far off. Best to write while I can still think...
I found myself, recently, assisting a band of adventurers in search of oil in the grey peaks. We.. or shal I say they, got lost and ended up in an area of the mountains I have never seen. Its not really important. I did what I always do. There were some among them that I knew and others that I didn't but I tried to protect them as best I could.. the one among them that took the lead in helping a tribe of natives find a missing woman would not assert herself and did not speak up in a timely manner. I tried to counsel her a bit, encourage her on how to keep order, but I failed... In the end we succeeded. I failed.
I find myself searching, looking to find what it means to be a Paladin of The Lord Protector. I'm not sure I ever really understood. To Protect... To uphold the law.. How do these things define my existence? Why does he need holy warriors? Where are the battles we fight for him and what is the purpose? Was I wrong in pursuing this path? So often it takes me away from that which I hold dear... and I feel less and less able to keep to this... His blessing upon me. A question I must answer myself. These things I do in his name; could I not achieve the same without them, as a normal man? What is it that makes me worthy of his blessing? I still ponder these and I think I should seek out other, wiser individuals in the service of the Gold... with everything I endure I can not see beyond the fog in my heart and in my eyes.
A day or two beyond the excursion into the grey peaks I joined those of my guild, traveling into the desert to mine silver as well as other metals and minerals. It was as good a trip as any I suppose. We stopped to rest at the Oasis in Saudiria and, torn with exhaustion, I must have passed out. The dreams were there waiting for me and I awoke in a rage. It faded quickly but I felt as though I was going to pass out yet again... I don't know why but Anna came and soothed me with her song. I hope it was not out of pity... I have enough of my own. And I slept there in the sand, my feet dangling in the waterhole.
When I woke a crowd had gathered and Talen had joined us. A woman had posted a plea for help, asking for volunteers to save her poor cat.. This was no ordinary cat as we found out. It was supposed to be Malar and large for its breed. It was all quite confusing. The woman made many endeering remarks to Jaleel.. one of the Gold's fellowship. Though, I often wonder if his devotion is in name only. He is so wreckless and headstrong. The woman gave him a torn cloak and instructed him to hold it in front of the creature and speak her name to bring it back. This action alone raised great suspicion in my mind. The cloak was visibly torn to shreds and later others said they sensed transmutation and other magics within it. Regardless, we tracked it down only to find it to be half man.. or all man really. The woman turned men into cats for her enjoyment. I missed much of the talk between the creature and Lady Brisbane as Jaleel decided to pull the cloak out and show it to him. Seeing the reaction it caused I grabbed him by the arm and batted the cloak into the water nearby. In return he threatened to cut off my hands and made many crass remarks. I'm sorry to say that he is simply self serving.. he may seek to protect but in the end he refuses to listen to anyone unless it suits him. He has no consideration for his actions and seeks conflict at every turn. His actions have been noted and a message passed. The creature was returned to normal and the witch escaped... but a portrait of her adorns many ports and vessels by now, I am sure. Then again.. perhaps she is a shifter, herself. Lady Brisbane took the other cat she had with her, its mind far gone from any human form, back to her glade.
I've no idea what to do or where to turn. I fear my best friend thinks me a monster now and fears me. Well, perhaps I am. Perhaps she has resigned me to pity. I should trouble her no more till she is ready. Who will help poor Imogen? I'm not stong enough... too late.. never enough.
158
« on: July 27, 2006, 02:04:05 pm »
I fear I have become a liability. My mind continues to slip so easily these days. The dreams and memories haunt my waking thoughts.
Again I found myself before the anvil and forge. Nails, hinges, smelting.. Good hard work. And yet my heart aches. It burns like the coals, their roaring fire having found its way inside and now burning hotter than ever. Several times I left the forge to seek out more supplies and.... many times I caught something from the corner of my eye or heard something.. or smelled. Yes.. I think I smelled.. Anna. On my way back to the forge she was standing there at the town bell talking to Lillian. She looked distant but turned and greeted me when I approached. And then a pixie flew up and, well, the creature was very.... very fresh and inconsiderate what with Anna's aversions. She seemed to know this and took pleasure in Anna's reaction as she shrouded herself from sight and fled. Anna, not the pixie... I later discovered that the creature was actually someone named Tashr in another form.. She takes pleasure in harrassing Anna at every opportunity. Were I not so concerned for Anna I would returned and explained the laws relating to such actions to this, Tashr.
Anna returned and apoligized which I told her she need not do. I wish I could take her in my arms and keep her safe from the selfish and inconsiderate creatures like Tashr but she needs to also stand on her own. I told her I needed to meet with Seteece to pick up an ore shipment out in the Goblin Wastelands and asked if she would meet me on the road. I stood there for some time until I heard a horrible sound, like a mountain of rocks moving of its own will. And then my Ox spoke to me in the voice of Seteece.. or I thought it had... it sure sounded like it was coming from the Ox. Maybe it is the lack of sleep. I was reassured by Seteece that he was not an Ox and he quickly emptied his load into the bags I tied to the Ox. Anna barely spoke the entire time and I'm not entirely sure when she arrived. I kept looking for her, wanting to know she was there. No sooner did she become visible than Nyyana came running down the road.
Nyyana is a cute creature.. she reminds me of my littlest sister Kendra. She has the innocence and curiosity of a small child. Anna could not have picked a better person to help her with the children. She fits right in. Unfortunately, according to Quillwem, she has several suitors who push attention upon her that she does not desire. She is such a kind and meek creature I wonder if she pushes back hard enough. If you love someone enough then perhaps it is okay simply to share with them in a unwavering friendship, strengthened by that love.
I told Anna I would be at the forge and wandered back toward Hlint. Its so rare that I ever have the chance to speak with her at length. I treasure the times that I do and most of all I treasure her for who she is. I remember and I see the person I know she is when I look into her eyes but she's burried under fear and shame. The copper ran and bubbled. I likely wasted some as I got lost in my thoughts. This is nothing new these days. I burnt my hand on some tongs.
After hours of work I finished my smelting and sought out the Freelancer warehouse in Hlint. Once there I was greeted by Quillwem and given a key. He bade me to join him at the guild hall when I was finished and I loaded up with what was left of the copper ore. I returned to the forge and then after that, to the Freelancer.
Quillwem, Sahala, Ael and another female Dark Elf were there when I arrived. I lost track of their conversation and eventually went downstairs to tell the children some more of my Mother's stories; stories about animals and how they came to be, about the rains and the winds. The children seem amazed and amused by them and I enjoy seeing their faces light up but I must have lost myself a few times during the telling. The closest of them startled me from a daze several times by tapping my leg. I'm so tired any more... so tired of failing the ones I love... the ones I follow... the ones I swear to keep from harm. In one act I failed before I even began.
I returned to the tavern after all the children slept. Anna had arrived and then, suddenly, everyone decided it was time to be elsewhere. I rememberd my ramblings on fate and destiny.. and resolved not to sit idly and be tossed about.
I spoke with Anna at length again.. about a great many things. I spoke with all the honesty and clarity that I have always had. I spoke to her about control... about the way others can warp our thinking... tying us down over time and breaking our spirit... about what I see in her when she reacts, how I can see Mith there hovering over her because those reactions are not her own. They were learned.. ingrained by an uncaring and controling heart. She got a little defensive as I expected her to but she listened and talked with me about all these things and more. Again I guided her with my words and my heart. Even though she may not find her way for a long time I hope that what I said will be with her as she struggles to strip the remaining tethers that Mith put in place. She does struggle. She hasn't given up.
The door to the kitchen opened and closed suddenly and I felt like I was sinking into the floor. It was Talen. Sneaking... and had it been that one act I am sure it might be him simply playing a prank but he did it twice and my security fled. I could no longer confide in Anna, nor did she ask it of me.. thankfully.. from there things did not seem so clear.. he said a few thing and left. Anna followed him, promising she would return. Me... I sat staring at the flame from a hanging lamp.
Where is the trust and honesty in this world? What has it left for me... a man who's tongue would betray himself and his friends at the slightest provocation? This feels so familiar and so painful. Why does it feel that way? Why do I feel so... useless most of the time? Always too late... never enough..
She returned.. I'm not sure how long it was.. she had to shake me from my daze. We went to sit and talk... talk about the dreams. And just as I knew it would my tongue betrayed me. I could see her expression pale and panic fill her eyes when I told her I loved her and the panic filled me as well.. and in my foolishness I repeated myself several times. She needed to know. I needed to tell her. Its not fair to keep this from her, though it might have been better... I just can't... I'm not able.. I'm tired... my knees hurt...
159
« on: July 27, 2006, 09:44:21 am »
Forward... there is nowhere to go but forward. All other paths are denied me now, save this one that is covered in broken glass.
I joined Anna at Lardison in an attempt to seek out an amulet... I remember little from the trip, save that it caused Anna much pain. It tears at my heart. A bard.. related to a.. necromancer trapped on the prison plane Carceri.. an insane gnome.. children of sin... and Anna's children are to be used in a ritual to release this necromancer. She couldn't take it. She wanted to travel to Pandemonium alone. She wanted to see Elazander and I would follow her knowing it would mean my own death but Ozy had already alerted him and the other guardians of the planes... Its a terrible mess. Anna was so torn. Her mind was breaking from the strain. Her thoughts ran, bounced and spread like grains of sand spilled onto a wooden floor. I stayed with her.. trying to help her focus, patiently guiding her with my words and my heart. When she was not looking I choked back the tears and slowly she regained focus. I think it was several days later when she brought a new orphan back to the Freelancer, Kymra, that she seemed to have recovered most of her faculties.
And then I joined the Freelancers. Well, that would indicate that I sought membership. True, I do like them and have many friends among them but my... induction was a surprise. All I sought was a new hammer.. my old one having fallen from its harness somewhere in the mountains.. Quillwem is a very sly individual. That's all I can say. My part? Well, it would seem I am to build on the beginnings of my father's teachings in smithing with the guidance of Goldwin. It helps keep my mind off things.
Only a few days after that many of the guild went into Firesteep in search of adamantium and I was asked to come along. I will tell you now that the paths through those dreaded mountains would try the most courageous of souls... Give me an army of giants any day. I felt like a scared kitten. I would not have made it through those mountains were it not for Anna.. her gentle guiding hand and her encouraging words. Where would I be without them? Again.. my duty has come between me and those I love.. unable to be there when I am needed. Is the church so important that my heart must become a thing of stone? My thoughts betrayed me and in my distraction I did not notice the odd feeling in the pit of my stomache until it was too late. We were ambushed. Most of us were slain. The soulmother had a good meal that day. It was my fault. It was all my fault.
I returned to the Freelancer and tried to get some sleep but the dreams plague me now more than ever, if I sleep at all. Every time I see Anna slip back or break down I, myself, feel as if I will fall. There can no longer be any doubt about my feelings for her. She can't be ready for that.. She isn't ready for that but its only a matter of time. My fool tongue...
160
« on: July 21, 2006, 11:10:29 am »
I sat there.. I don't know how often I looked over to Anna, sitting there, but she seemed almost to be made of stone at times. She wanted to hear what plagued my heart and even more I wanted to tell it to her. And these were my words:
It is a shame I've carried with me...
something I can not undo..
I was fresh from finishing my training and visiting home in Haven a little over five years ago before returning to Pranzis and after that, called by the Dragon. My mother and father had cooked an amazing feast for my return and had called all my brothers and sisters home but there was one chair that was empty. My dearest little sister, Imogen. She had been my heart's joy as I grew up, from the moment mother showed her to me after she was born. She wrote me twicea week while I was in the Citadel, about this and that, mother's doting, father being over protective. And then, a few months before my visit they just stopped. I couldn't fathom why and so I asked.
Everyone's faces turned to stone. Dad marched from the table to his smithy, shaking. Mother broke into tears and cried uncontrollably, but I pressed for an answer. I didn't know if she was dead, or taken by slavers or worse.. but I could get nothing from my mother. Her tears drowned out her voice.
It was the littlest of my brothers and sisters that spoke truthfully and without fear... Derick. Derick had taken her away and she didn't want to play with her any more. I didn't know what to think. She had mentioned a Derick once or twice before the letters stopped but always in a very loving manner.
Being concerned I wanted to go looking for my sister. Kendra was too young stilll to show me where Imogen was but she said she talked to her now and again at the market. It was three days later that I recognized her, walking through the market. She had always been such a beautiful child, brilliant and full of energy but I hadn't recognized her on the second day. It wasn't till the third that I noticed on her wrist a trinket that I'd sent her from Pranzis. It was a small silver bracelet... engraved dragons dancing around it.
Beside myself with joy I ran to her, took her by the arm to give her a grat hug but her hood fell away.. I'd never seen bruises like that... even in fighting practice. I was stunned, shocked; I couldn't speak and just stood there staring. She looked back at me but... I could barely see my dear little Imogen in thos eyes. They were so full of fear and before I could gather myself she ran.
I didn't know what to do. Mom and dad had hidden away their pain because I was coming home. I had to get what little I could frind out from my brothers and sisters. Derick, it seems, was the sone of some noble.. a true brat and I guess that he'd made life hard for mom and dad till they quit trying to see her. It infuriated me; turned me cold.
I always used to protect her and I had to see her. In that moment I regretted leaving for Pranzis.. and a part of me still does.
It took a little time but I found him and he realized instantly who I was. Who wouldn't? There aren't many around like my family, skin as dark as pitch. At first I begged that he stop hurting her, that he love her like she deserved, that he change things.. but the more I begged or spoke the less he listened. "'I don't care' she's mine.." "'I don't care' leave us alone" "'I don't care'"
Eventually, I followed Imogen hom from the market one day and as she entered his doorway I could hear him yell and curse her name for some transgression that I do not know but she cowered. She cowered and cringed, this bright beautiful flower I adored and protected since she was a baby...
Before she could close the door behind her I put my foot in it. I do not know what he filled her mind with. To this day it still taints her. She ran from me to the far side of the entry way and in he came. I stood over him and growled in a voice I still do not believe was my own. I told him to let her go. I told him he was done and he threatened me. He threatened to call the law to take me from his property but in the end he looked back at her and again at me. He told me; no, he threatened that if I did no leave things would be worse for my poor dear Imogen
I killed him. I must have. I don't remember it, not really. I couldn't think. All I could see was that day in the market and little Kendra saying her sister can't come play with her any more. I remember seeing him laying on the floor, or I think I do. I was standing over him and Imogen had disappeared. I searched for her but did not see her for several days when she showed up on my mother and father's doorstep, shaken and covered in dirt. I went to call in a guard, having regained my composure and know what I should do regardless of what it meant for me but when we returned to the house there was no trace.. nothing. I know I killed him.. and no one believes me.
The only person that might know hasn't spoken in five years. What's worse? I can't even be in the same room with her. She's moody and broken even around the rest of the family but me, I"m like a burning knife in her flesh. She flies into a rage and I can't ge through to her.
There was an investigation but it didn't go anywhere.. Derick has never been seen again and no evidence was found so no charges were ever pressed. I returned to Pranzis, thinking I could set things right in my heart and shortly after I was called back to Hlint by the dragon.
That's pretty much it.. I searched for answers but the one person who might hold a clue is locked within herself.. I am sorry I did not share this with those who matter to me most, sooner. No matter what happens I need to help my little sister..
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