a peek into the mind of an angel (journal of Angela swann)

[akata]

i am normally not a big writter, but there is not much else to do at night on a ship. It has been over a month since the attack in Lorinda. I most say that i miss my parents and think of them often, maybe i should talk to Angelica about writing them a letter she allways were better with words then I. Aside from that i find the life of a salior fascinating and have even begun to worship the goddess of the sea Mist, there is something about her the just feels so right, maybe it is because of the chaos and power she represent, the unpredictebal in her natur, the lure of the a calm sea just before the storm hits, or maybe i just see myself in her, the need to ride the edge, trying to tame the chaos, the feeling i get standing on the deck of the ship during a thunderstorm  that so speaks to me.
I have even seen Angelica pray to her, it is not a because i feel ashamed but for me prayers are a thing of  privacy, besides if Mist is as powerfull a deity as the sailors claim then she will know what is in my hearth.

Sometimes at night i find my mind wandering back to the last encounter with our”friends” in Lorinda, and i can not help but  to think that i did not do all that i could, if i have had another weapon then the knife i use to cut purses and if i know how to use it then just maybe we would not have had to run and hide. I think i will go and have a  talk to the handsome young Thomas. After seeing him in battle against the seamonsters the other week i have no doubt that he can teach me to use a sword, If he agrees to teach me, and Angelice have the gift of sorcery as she suspect and hopes, then we will be abel to do great things together. Hmm Angelica just came in she says that we will hit the port in Karthy on Rilara in a day or two, perhaps we should go ashore and try our luck on land.          


I finally got some down time to write in my journal and I’ll try and tell what has been going on the last couple of days. Angelica and I got separate in port hampsire, I wanted to have a look around, while she went with some merchants going to hlint, hlint is a little town in the middle of miststone, follow in a hour or two and when met sis again she was talking to some local’s she gave me a quick tour of the town and she introduced me to a dwarf by the name of Fenrir, Fenrir told us to talk to the people around town and she if they needed any help, if we got in trouble we could just come and get him and he would help us, the first man we met was the local undertaker e something he said he had some trouble in the crypts he needed to get some essences from a dark soul what ever that might be, so before we went down we found Fenrir and asked him if he knew what a dark soul was, he told us that It was a foul shadow that lived in the crypts and that we would need help if we went after it, thank Mist he came with us or sourly we would have ended as food the foul undead, when we got back up I decided to        
Have a talk to the local guard about the undead problem but he just laughed ad me and said that they had been there before I was born and that they would be there when my bones are dust, he said that if I wanted to any good I could help them with a goblin problem they were having, all I had to do was kill 5 goblin’s and bring back there ears. Eager to help my and sis went outside hlint, we didn´t have to go far before we found the goblin’s oi that was a hard fight but we learned something about teamwork from it I also found out that there is a deference between undead and living opponents, a undead will keep coming till its hacked apart but hit a gobbo in the kidneys and ill howl like a big, after turning in the ears and claiming the reward we went to the inn to get some food and some sleep, when I woke the next day there was some other adventures in the inn and we started talking I told about how we had gone into the crypt and they ask me if I had collected any skeletons bones, they told me that cleric’s would pay good money for them since they could use them to make potions and that there was a witch living in the sumps that collect them too, sis didn´t want to go into the sumps I guess she wasn’t feeling so well after yesterdays beating, so I went in alone I figured that I could sneak past what ever monsters were living there, inn the outskirt of the sump I saw something awful a troll running at full speed towards me, I tried to run but slipped and fell, the troll started laughing and it turned out to be a wizard using some kind a spell to transform him into troll, bah why would anyone wanna do that? he was kind enough to offer me his help and set out fir the witch but alas we were attacked by a swarm of  mosquito’s zeos as the wizards name was told me to run to the witch’s house sence she would be able to help us but she was not at home and the nasty little bug’s made short work of us, I much have fainted  because when I open my eye’s I was in a dark room and zeos was there to so it couldn’t be all bad, we were standing and talking when I felt a pull and suddenly I was back in hlint, zoes told me that we had died and that we should visit our grave so we could put it behind us.

[akata]

i have used the last week getting to know hlint and the locals there seems to be no end to the adventure’s coming through and I made friends with some of them
I have been looking for a new rapier and a man name kaizer told me he would make it for me if just help him get the iron and carried my share of the load on the way back. Well he did say at first that he would make it if I bedded him. I later found out that his married when I asked him if his wife wouldn’t be mad at him for flirting he just said that he would share me with her, but back to the iron story, a sword for taking my share of the load sounded like a fair deal for me, but I see now that I should have remembered to ask where we were getting the iron kaizer let us into berhagen and man that´s a nasty place full of golems and giant’s i think it was only by Mist grace that I made it back alive, but at least I got iron enough for my rapier

[akata]

I went back to berhagen with kaizer and his wife we were going to go deeper into the giant’s mines for kai needed more iron, and how can I as his friend say no to helping, there was some other people with us too and I couldn’t keep my eyes of the elven women Sy´ravenne she looks like a big cat when she moves and I  most admit that it woke some feelings in me I didn´t thought I would feel for another woman, after we got back I went with kai to his house, he had finished my rapier but he had not been able to find me so he left in his house, while we were standing and talking Sy´ravenne and Jeran came by, well lets just say that Sy don’t have anything against other women.

[akata]

*written in a hurry*
Could life be any better I spend the day hunting with Sy´ravenne and the nights in her loving embrace im learning much of combat from her and my skills grow im still having difficulty with undead maybe I should buy a other weapon to fight them with, my rapier seems so useless against them its not so bad against the meat full ones if one can call a undead that but the skeletons are just to hard to hit someone told me I should use a blunt weapon against them but the the rapier and short sword are the only two weapon I really know how to use.

[akata]

*tear drops make it hard to read the entry*
Sy told me she found someone else and that I should just forget about her, but how can I she is in my thought always and I feel so lonely when she’s not around I will try and talk to the “other girl” maybe if I told her how I feel about Sy she will come to see that she is destroying something beautiful.
I talked to Ranéwin as the other girl is named, I lured her to haven with and excuse about wanting to show her something at kaizer´s house, at first she was furious that I was intervening in her private life but after a while she got really sad and said that if I love Sy she would leave her alone, something about her god would frown upon her if she stood in the way of love, I felt as the lowest kind of human after, I could see that I had hurt her, I tried to apologize but she ran away and I had to give chase I caught her between two houses and begged her to let me try and explain, she threatened me but soon came to her senses and allowed me to finish talking, I told that I didn’t have anything against her but that I love Sy and would do anything for her.      

[akata]

I ran into Sy just as I had decided to go to Leilon and jump the next boat, I miss the feel you the sea beneath me and the air would help clear my head, Ran had dumped her she wanted to have children someday and she thought what they did was unnatural, jeg told Sy that I loved her still and that I would never leave her, I used the rest of the night to comfort her, she cried and said that should just leave since she would end up hurting me I told her that I couldn’t and that I just want to be with her.      

[akata]

How could I have been so blind and stupid Sy never loved me just two days after we got back together she told me she found a new love, I lost my mind and threatened to take my own life if she didn’t stay with me, I was convinced that death would be better then the pain I felt in my heart, I handed Angelica my weapons and went out to the goblin’s that live outside hlint but Angelica follow me and even thou I wanted to die I didn’t want to get my sister hurt, so while she was busy fighting the goblin’s I ran for broken forest the only thing going through my mind was that I wanted to find a place where Mist could claim me, I sat down to pray and started crying the noise most have called the undead or maybe they can feel when the living intrude upon there domain, they surrounded me, and I sat there praying they ripped apart my body and I had peace at last, but even mist don’t want me and my body was pulled back to hlint, I hid in the inn hoping that the world would forget about me. I couldn’t hide from my sister maybe it is because we are twins I don’t know,but she always seem to know how to find me as I do her thank the gods that she hadn’t follow me into the broken forest, I don’t think I would ever be able to forgive myself if I got her killed, she sat down and we had a long talk she convinced me that I had to go back to my grave, on the way there we met a young man named jet he said he would take me there since he was going that way anyhow. on the read we got to talking and i found out that he knew Sy too and that he had been hurt by her as well he said that i should just forget about her since she was not worse the time or grief, after going to my grave we when to fort hope and i said goodbye to jet i had to get some sleep unfortunaly i forgot that he was careering some of my thing for me and he left with my shield and my crossbow well at least it will give me change to talk to him again he seem like a nice fellow and i would like to know what he meant about Sy not being worth’s it.

[akata]

I went back to hlint and ran into Ranéwin she heard what happened between me and Sy she was so kind to me and I felt so much worse for what I did to her because of that she sat with me all night holding me an letting my cry  I don’t now who she can find it in her heart to offer forgiveness to me but she did and I will always be great full to her for it I hope that I can one day repay her for the comfort and friendship she has shown me

[akata]

I still think a lot about what happened to me and why Sy hurt me as much as she did I even talk to another elf about it he seem a like a sweet guy and he told me that it was common for elfs to stray a bit I teased him and asked if it went for him too things went a little far and we ended up fouling around on the ground behind the bench in hlint I hope he will met me again since I like his company and he seems to know so much about why people do the things they do oh I almost forgot to write his name down its Anoron

[akata]

I think im falling in love Nor as I call Anoron we have spend so much time together and what I feel for him makes my old feelings for Sy seem petty and small I am ashamed about the way I acted before all the people of hlint and that I could try to end my own life, we went out to ranger’s vale to have a little heart to heart talk and Nor told me something’s about his past he seemed afraid that I would dislike him or something but I told him that he was being silly and that if one of us should resent the other for what we did in the past then I done much worse then him and I did so to many people, Jeran, Ranéwin, my sister, my parents even Sy I hurt with my childish behavior. He said that I shouldn’t be so sure before I heard his tell, he didn’t tell me all but he told me enough, im not going to write down what he told me since that is Nor story and not mine. But I will tell that I didn’t change my feelings for him.
I am trying to learn elvish since it is the languages of sa ceela (my love) and i have so many elven friends, and it bother me I cant understand what they say, the first word Nor taught me was to say iracce laamaaana, irean ilma aey withs means hello sweetie, how are you, I have since been practicing with Ranéwin or Milléamd as her name is in elven it is hard to pronounce the words but im am getting better
Here is more of what I learn im writing it down so I won’t forget it , iracce, sa lilsa elu IIIvaciu, hello my name is Angela, and E sekalaaw aey laamaaaba, I missed you sweetie.              

[akata]

What mess things have become I was on my why to Swordsrust Mountain with Ranéwin, Trysk, Barion, Shelu and some other folks we were going to give the gnolls a lesson, they have been attacking to many travelers lately, when we ran into Thais and Sy they wanted to come but needed to have a little talk first when they were talking we noticed a big cat sitting just outside hlint Trysk tried to get it to move but it wouldn’t a ranger showed up and tried talking to it but I didn’t make much sense only said that it wanted him to killed it. Thais and Sy came over and the cat attacked Thais we tried to stop it but she lass got her neck broken and still the damn cat wouldn’t leave someone call Thais back to life im not sure who and the damn cat tried to kill her again so we had to put it down but damn it turned out to be Ly the elfmaid Sy left me for and now she had left Ly for Thais,
Im embarrassed to admit that I lost my temple again and started yelling at Sy, I even said to Thais that I hoped she like pain course she was in for a hole lot now im afraid that she misunderstood me and thought that I meant that I would hurt her, when all I wanted to do was warn her about Sy, will I ever learn to control my lose tongue all I seem to do is hurt the people I love. Maybe I should leave hlint for a time

[akata]

Nor lost his mind I walked into hlint today and saw him drinking not that Nor drinking is something new but he kept talking about killing Sy since she was evil and that she wanted to kill him, while we were talking Sy came by and she looked angry, she was running around with her weapons out inside the walls and I got a little concerned that perhaps she had mad too, so I asked her why she was running around with her weapons out and she replied so I easier can kill people and I need blood she tried to get me to fight me but I ignored her and she ran away, Nor stating talking about she was a vampire and that we should kill her before she killed us, he really frightened me he seem to be talking to someone else then me but there was no one around I tried telling him to leave Sy alone and that she would hurt him if he follow her but he wouldn’t listen to me he just kept talking to himself about he should burn her, I didn´t know what to do s I just held him and sang for him as my mother used to do when I was a small girl, it calmed him some and I just stood there stroking his hair till he finally agreed to leave Sy alone and go talk to someone about the voice he was hearing, I couldn’t go with him because I promised shelu that I would met with her and give her the skeleton knuckles that I have been collecting for her, we made a deal where I give her knuckles and she gives me potions since I can’t make them myself, when I was done with shelu I found Nor again he seem better and told me that some kind a  creature had been trying to take over his mind I don’t remember the name of it but it lived on another plane and it could reach across the boundary and take control of a persons mind, that got me a little worried for does that mean that it can come back anytime and make Nor do things he don’t want to?, well I guess only time will show and Nor told me not to worry, but that don’t mean I won’t keep an eye on him.  

[akata]

I have been spending some time at sea and it has done me good I have had time to thing about what I done and I now realize that I had no right to yell at Sy and Thais it was not there fault that Ly attacked them and maybe I should try and forgive Sy for what she did to me, does it even matter anymore? I have Nor and love him more then anything why bother what Sy does and with who she does it. I’ll find her and tell im sorry I acted the way I did, and that I hope that we can be…. Well if not friends then at least not enemies, I found Sy on the road to fort last and we cleared the air, maybe we won’t be best friend but we can stand to be in the some room now, she was out hunting with a drow name Annun a ranger I think she said she was but I didn’t have time to stay long I was on my way to Leilon arms to met Ranéwin and hopefully Nor, when I got there the party had already started and Ranéwin was talking with Jeran and there was no Nor so I felt like a third wheel so I stated talking to the two orc sitting acoss the bar, suddenly everyone was leaving the bar and I look around an saw that the queen had arrived, I never seen her before so I joined the others around her, when all of a sudden the inn was attacked by rats we all went outside since it was no longer  safe to be inside, I talked a little to jeran and left the party looking for Nor and when I got back Ranéwin had left so not much reason to stick around watching the other talk, so I went to Mist temple to pray a bit before I went to sleep.

[akata]

I met a man named Samuel today in hlint, he was quit the charmer and he taught me some more elven I didn’t get a chance to write it all down since he is a very fast talker but I still leaned a lot from him and my understanding of elven is growing, he even suggested that we go somewhere private to continue, I think he just wanted to get me in a dark room so he could play with me but I won’t do that to Nor even if it is with someone as charming and handsome as Sam, so I just stick to the elven lessons.

[akata]

I have been thing about Nor a lot and how I can show him how much he means to me, I want to give him a gift for being there for me always and Im having trouble finding the right one I could give him a amulet or ring, and I know he’s looking for a new staff made in iron but anyone can give him that or he can get someone to make it for him, I want my gift to be something that only I can give him and I want it to tell him how much I love him, so I went to Ilsare’s temple. I know that maybe I should have gone to Mist´s since she it the goddess that speak to my soul but Ilsare is the goddess of love so I hope that Mist won’t mind that I seek her priestess advise. When I sat in the temple it suddenly hit me what I should give him, a soul stone, now I just hope he’ll like it and that he will understand what it is im giving him.

[akata]

*there are marks after tears on the paper*
I gave Nor his gift and he just seem confused that really hurt me, can’t he see that im giving him a part of my own soul and that I only want to be with him maybe it was a mistake to give it to him but I wanted him to know even if he don’t love me the same way, I tried to act like it wasn’t impotent and went out to adventure with him trysk and Cray went with us too, we entered sielwood forest Nor needed something’s to his spells, at first everything went fine but then we found a hole in the ground an decided to have a look it turn out to be a huge underground cave, but alas there were monsters living down there some really huge boars, we thought that we could take them but before I could get my weapons out they charges and Trysk Cray and I died only Nor made it back up alive, maybe that will teach me to pay attention to my surroundings and not think about Nor when there are danger afoot. When we had been back to our graves I went with Cray to Leilon she said that she wanted to talk to me and I was in no mood to try and find out what was bugging Nor so we took a ship to Leillon from port Hampsire, Cray show me her house well its not just her house she share’s it with 6 other but they where not there at the moment, I can write down what Cray told me she made me promise that, but I am honored that she would tell me

[akata]

Nor told me that he was sorry he had acted the way he did when I gave him the soul stone and that he hadn’t know what it was, that made me very happy, I still have doubt about giving it too him, he say that it was really nice gift and that he loves me, but there seems to be something wrong with him, I don’t now if its because he’s scared to love a human Mist know I had my doubts about loving a elf and all the problems that comes form that, I thing I talk to all my elven friend about it and Ireth, shelu and Ranéwin have been such a great help they all love humans too and now what im going through, but maybe I should be talking to Nor  
about it he could have doubts too or maybe it has something to do with what he did in the past, I have to find him and talk to him.

[akata]

I have been looking for Nor for days but he seems to have disappeared from the face of the world, is it because of me? My friends say that I shouldn’t worry but I can’t help it, so I bury myself in work and by work I mean bloody adventure, orc´s ogre´s undead spider´s I don’t care I just want to blow of steam its much easier then trying to figure out why Nor is hiding from me, yesterday I went down haven mines with some friends what a bad mistake that turned out to be it was suppose to have been Ran Trysk shelu barion acacea and me barion needed some iron and we said we would help him get it, but teddy ask if he could come and sure why that was just one more to help carry, he invite Roxx a man I have been to berhagen with so no problem there either but when we got to mines it just went BAH nobody was waiting, people where running around like headless chickens, it’s a wonder no one got killed to make thinks worse there was another group down there and they want to get iron too, finally we made it back up and barion got started no his metal working but because we had been to group barion had not been able to find as much iron as he needed so we agreed to take one more trip down, this time acacea didn´t go with us she said that she wanted to wash of the orgre blood on her dress and that she was out of gem’s of asssaving, she crack me up she is one of the funniest person’s I met but she is starting to have a bad influences on me as im starting to talk a little like her anyway´s teddy had too and shelu wanted to make potions so our party was down too 5, this time it went like cloak work not that I don’t like traveling with teddy, shelu and acaea but its so much easier to work in a small group. we went down got barion hi’s iron and was back up in half the time it took with the large group, after we all walk to hlint Ran and Trysk wanted to push on to Leilon they invited me to come but I could see that they wanted some time alone and I know that Anoron is not at the arms seeing the empty bed is not something im ready for just yet, so I rented a room at the wild surge inn instead.

[akata]

I been busy the last few day’s  hunting undead with Annun Ran barion shelu and Cray, and there is still no word from Nor I try not to think of it and hides my  frustration from my friend why should I bother shelu and barion in there happiness or Ran and Trysk who had just bought a house together, I will just continue putting on a smile and pretend to be happy, even when my hearth is breaking, I will never tell them but it hurts to see how happy they are, why cant I have that? is it to much to ask for or have I hurt to many people to deserve love?

[akata]

I continue to practice my elven and shelu was most kind to give barion and me some lessons the other day im beginning to understand more and more, even if I won’t get to talk to Nor in his own tongue ill still have be able to understand my other elven friends    
Shelu ask me to be her bride’s maid on her wedding, I was honored i didn´t know I meant so much to her, I thought she would have picked Ranéwin and Sy since they are all elf’s but im happy that she would have me standing there with her the day she says her yes to barion. Now I just hope I can get Vivian to make me a dress, the once I have is not fitting to wear in a wedding.