A worn brown book

[Chuckles_McChuck]

*Lia sits daintly on her chair in her personal library.  She opens a drawer to the desk infront of her and pulls out a book.  The book looks shody, brown in color.  It has a symbol in the front of it resembling a sun, covered on the lower left hand side by a crescent moon.  The book looks worn like it has been written years ago only to have been used by a deliquent child, but when she opens it it becomes clear that the book was never used, the pages blank.  She grabs a quill that looks to have come from the feather of a peacock, dips it in a blue ink, and begins to write*

Autumn Twilight 28th, 1382

 It has been awhile since I've written my thoughts on a parchment, since the dissapearance of my previous journals and the incident with the Mistone Alliance.  I've no doubt the two are connected.  Lately; though, I've found the need to do this, reading has always givin me more peace, perhaps writting could do twice as much.  

 Peace.  

 Peace.  I cant stop thinking of it, I've tried so hard to control my anger, so that I may control myself when I finally confront the very being who did this to me.  I beleive I'm progressing, not to long ago an obsessive man and his immature dwarven freind consistantly taunted and mocked me with the same jouvinile demeanor, I've controled my anger and left them to their dillusional victory.  Of what price though, I found myself in a dwarven mercinary camp not to long after it, and I was merciless.  I know I still have work to do, but it is hard, the further I delve into this calm state, the more I forget.  Forget about other emotions, of who I was before Xandrial.  Perhaps that is what he really wanted.  Everytime I look into my situation it almost seems there is no way of winning, like he has every corner covered.  Perhaps he does.

 Perhaps. *a few dots get blotched up after that line as Lia thinks for awhile, tapping the paper with her quill*Perhaps, he doesn't know about the book(*);infact, I'm sure of it.  He can't know about it, I feel it is my only escape now, I've spent more then 2 years now studying it, and now I must make the next step, but I fear it, fear it more then anything in the world.  Perhaps this is also what he wanted, he has me fear very little, but *more dots blotched here* I cant help fearing.. Moraken, I dread the day I would have to meet him again, for any reason, but now I must seek him again, for the same reason as the last just a different book this time.

 The time is comming soon, I will have to be careful with how I approach him, that is if he doesn't wish to kill me on site.  

 I grow ever so weary.. I wish I could just get this all done and over with already.. so I may die in peace.

// (*) the book- represents and ancient tome Lia, not too long ago gained possetion of.  Because of the dissappearance of her other journals, she refers to it as "the book" so if the same incident happens again, noone would know of what book she is refering to and thus, she hopes, won't care.

[Chuckles_McChuck]

*In her quant little library she find the book laying on the desk, she did not remove it since she last wrote in it.  She sits down, opens the book and turns to the next page, grabs her quill and writes*

Autumn Dark 18th, 1382

Lately the days have been nice to me.  So far I haven't run into any bad weather nor any annoying people.  I've been keeping up with my alchemy, maybe one day I will learn to make love potions and the like, not that they would have any effect on me, but you never know when such potions could come in handy, I might even make a pretty penny selling such items.

I decided to head into the Seilwood forest.  I needed some malachite dusts to make some polishing oil so I could make some jewelry.  On the way there I ran into Seteece and went to him to ask for his assistance in getting the malachite.  Evidently he said something I replied and an argument persued.  Why am I like this?  I'm sure I wasn't before.. I found him(*).  Yet here I am, I hurt people, not for my own personal pleasure, nor is it to gain anything, I do it just because.  Because I can?  

His argument was the same, the same as everyone elses.  About faith, trust..  I hear it all the time, but this time it was odd, there was no rebuttle, I was speechless.  Perhaps it was because I was sick of the argument and didn't want it to linger, or perhaps something more...  *the writting is now a bit thicker and bigger, a bit botched, like in rage she is writing harder, faster and carelessly*  What does he know, what do all of them know.  *the writting calms down a bit and is as neat as ussual*  To know, they would have to know me, but I will never allow that.  Why?  I wish to forget, but I know that will never happen, so why do I still insist.  I know theres no escaping my past, Seteece himself made that clear to me today.  He told me he asked around about me since he met the demon himself and he learned much, things that discust him, that I know would discust me.  I hoped the world would forget, forget about me and my past, but it hasn't.  How am I to escape if my past will never leave me.  I've known this long ago though, that is why I hunt the demon, so to kill him and free myself.  Yet I still will not accept it.  I feel there is still much i need to learn and do, but I fear time is getting shorter, I do not wish to live like this forever.  When will it end?

*she sits for awhile thinking, finnally she shuts the book.  Without thinking about it she slips it in her backpack and leaves the room*

//(*) through pretty much all of this entry she refers he or him as Seteece, except in this line.  In this line she is refering to the demon Xandrial

[Chuckles_McChuck]

*Lia enters Hlint from the north Gate.  She looks somewhat weary, but there is a strange new glint in her eyes, like a man finding his long lost family, or a monk reaching true enlightenment.  A slight change has come to this what seemed to be left wing stubborn elf, one that even she herself can't comprehend, not yet.*  

*She walks to the inn.  She finds a secluded table with her dinner and thinks.  Through her thoughts she looks through her pack and finds her little brown book.  She looks at it for awhile, contimplating how it got in there.  She doesn't remember placing it in her pack.  Without further question she opens the book to another blank page, takes out her ink and a quill, not quite as nice as the one with the peacock feather, it looks to have been made by the feather of a raven.  She writes.*

Winter Snow 8th, 1382

I stood infront of his tower for hours, just looking up at it.  I now wonder why it has taken me so long to visit him; though, it may have been easier since he was not home.  I came there to find him, to find out about the book.  To my suprize, I was given alot more, something I would never have expected.  I still must seek him, to learn what I must, but I dont fear him anymore, not as much as I used to.  Our goals are the same, I just hope he himself will understand that.  I would understand if he didn't though, I betrayed him before.. but never again.

I entered his home and I was with company.  Me and my foolish mouth, I know they planned to visit me before I entered, I spoke to much to Seteece.  I never intend to, but I always say too much.  Not that I'm complaining, so concerned over my well being, they helped alot.  There was a time I would have thought that foolish, but I dont know anymore, not since I met her, since she helped me remember.  

I heard a voice as I entered the house, I thought, prehaps it was Moraken, seeing if I have changed.  Seeing me worthy to seek him out again, perhaps worthy for his love.. Still?  But now I question, was it him, or perhaps, was it her?  I followed the voice, and found myself in a secret area in his tower.  Like many wizards, holding more items, power, then what to do with, he left the place in a mess, but some areas were still well gaurded, like the Library.  Obviosly he has not forgotten me.

We looked around and it now seemed to be a game of his, to find him we must solve the mysteries of the tower.  We started... *she continues through detail on the venture through Morakens tower*.  After I got the telescope working, I figured I could use it to find his exact location on Xantril.  What I saw noone could have prepared for.  What does one say, do or even think when they are suddenly in the pressence of a goddess.  Yes, I saw Lucinda hold the weave in her very hands, even i have problems contemplating that, but it was I who was there. She had strands of the weave connecting to every wizard on Layonara.  She then looked at me and spoke.  I wish now I could hear what she told me, because for that breif moment, my curse was broken, I felt pleasure, happiness.. I started to remember.  Remember my past, who I was before Xandrial, I still do.  I now remember the young elf who used to play at the docks by her fathers ship.  So innocent, kind..  I'm her no more, but perhaps.. there will be a peice of her still with me, now that I remember.

I look back now, and wonder who I am.  I was once so sure of what I beleived, but now.. it sees almost foreign to me.  I thought Lucinda to be greedy, like all with such power she will do whatever it takes to keep it.  What would one have to do to gain such power, you would expect the same, do all that you must, for good or evil it did not matter, as long as you acheived what you sought.  I thought, for many reasons, I would have her wrath.  I did not expect her to be so kind, benevolant.  She visited me, so faithless, and granted me a gift.  I no longer know what to think*

*she closes the book, places it in her pack, and continues on with the day, thinking about what she just wrote*