Alleina's Diary

[Weeblie]

((15 Mars 2006))

Allie, Silly and I talked about dreams today. Silly's dreaming about fey while Allie's dreams are about adventure, magic and wells. We talked about normal dreams, bad dreams (also called nightmares) and weird dreams. The possible and impossible was always a topic we touched. I love philosophy!

We made a nice little trip with Kloss, Ayla and some others to Storen's Crypt and the mountains. Didn't go all that bad...

New people I met today: Lue ((Lueanne Lightfinger))

[Weeblie]

((16 Mars 2006))

I visited my home today with mother, Acacea and Triba! The house lies on Dregar, just beside a wonderful lake. Mother and Triba showed me around and presented for the others. I met:

- Tom. A giant tomato.
- Gigi. A girl with too much energy.
- Tunor. A poor boy. Doesn't talk very much.
- Nana. Well... Nana!
- Marcus. Best to keep a watch on one's things around him... If one wants to keep them, that is!
- Carolyn. Very formal for a kid. Plays chess.
- Faustus. Also plays chess.
- Xania. The oldest of the kids.
- Lots and even more children...

Truly wonderful family!

Back in Hlint, Acacea and Triba started to discuss sand magic (mother had to attend a meeting, or something like that). Elladan passed by after some time and gave me an Oaken Quarterstaff! So very nice of him!

Triba mentioned a weapon called the Shadow Blade. According to her, that's pretty much the only blade that can hurt Blood... I don't know to whether like or dislike this... I mean, killing is a bad thing, but sometimes it's necessary to save lives by taking lives...

Much later, we met mother in Haven and sat down and talked for a long time. She explained the Lucindite orders for me. When one first comes to the temple, one is ranked as an initiate. After a year or so, one is put into two wards (Gis) which are based on what the one is good at. The largest ward of Lucinda is the Akh'faern Gis which is the mage ward. Not so very strange that that one is the biggest one... People in the Uvaer Gis are focused on seeking knowledge much like followers of Aragen, but tends to concentrate a little bit more on things that has something to do with magic. Silly's placed in Fallan Gis (the healing ward) and Ardhon Gis (the plane ward).

At the top of the chain, as mother put it, is Allurial the Queen of Mistone and the Chosen of Lucinda. She's busy with other things though, so the real head of the faith is the Warder Altariel. The highest rank in a ward is the Nigthwoven and mother is the Dawnwoven of Akh'faern Gis which makes her the second highest in that ward. But, she's also the Threadmistress of the Cerlyn Wethrina which kind of makes her equal to Allurial and Altariel... I won't write too much about this topic, though, as mother said that some of the things are secrets...

A side note: Mother said that she would maybe let me meet the queen and the warder one day... And the weirds... And grandmother... Wonderful! And so very nice of her!

Later, some other people passed by. One of them (the creepy one) asked if I was mother's real daughter or not. I don't really mind people asking that question, but guess what mother answered him? She said that I was the same as all of her children and that was what mattered for her... I can't explain how I felt at that moment... How deeply affected I was by those few words... I don't know if she noticed, but I... I can't find words for it...

* It seems that she took a break from writing, here. *

Long time ago, there were four elemental pools. These pools were part of Layonara and helped stabilizing the plane itself. Water served as divination, the information gathering power of the pools, a source of knowledge of current events and future pathways. Earth was best with origins, finding where things began and how, focused and settled on the firmly writtten past. Fire served as the destructive capacity of the weird, a force of endings that served to replenish the cycle constantly in endings. Air... Well, mother didn't know what good Air was for... But she said that Air was supposed to be the most potent (she didn't think so herself, though).

These pools also help stabilizing the links of Layonara so that we can call for aids from other planes. Like mother's huge cute golem Mushy! Or the air mini...

Anyway, in the ancient times, the pools were served by four spirits. These creatures were completely neutral in all things and only devoted to the balance of the four elements. People from all around the world were to seek them as these four creatures were pretty much regarded as oracles. But, to ask a question, the answer-seekers were generally put into a quest. The actions of the seeker during his or her quest fed the pools (in a sense of positive force). The quality of the answers depended on how successful the quest was.

The years passed, and the pools were forgotten. Denied from the force, the guardians slowly died away. Mother's theory is that the pools were abused which resulted in that the seekers no longer produced enough of positive energy for the creatures to live. Or worse, producing negative energy which corrupted the pools themselves...

The planar links weakened and that's when grandmother stepped in about 250 years ago. Her intent was to build new sentient construct of the pools, to stabilize them once again. After 50 years or so, she managed to bind constructs to scrolls. For Earth, she used a young earth-spirit. For Air, she bound grandfather’s soul whom had recently died. For Fire, she chooses an efreet that needed a place to hide. And for Water, she picked a queen of the fey. These four are the weirds today...

But, at that time, they were just scrolls with concious, and as the prior spirits of the pools, they needed essence to survive. Not in the same magnitude, though, as they weren't linked to the pools at this time. In order to get the required energy, these four scrolls were bound to four persons. Mother was given Earth. Her brother was given Fire. But, corrupted by the lust for power, her brother fled with Fire and once again, the elements were unbalanced and couldn't be linked to the pools.

To make it worse, the links dissolved more quickly than expected. Time was running out, and having few options left, grandmother decided that she herself would need to tend the links to the planes. So, she turned herself to a Baelnorn, an elven lich of good nature. But, even doing that, she was aware of that she couldn't last forever and could only pray that the four scrolls would unite and bear fruit in time...

New people I met today: Enyaill ((Enyaill Waaty)), Yardislan ((Yardislan Echron))

[Weeblie]

((17 Mars 2006))

I met Reggub ((Reggub Hillhop)) today whom seems to be slightly crazy (burning, burning and even more burning!). Mother said he's a follower of Pyrtechon, so that's probably not so very strange, after all...

Mother was busy with her paperwork for the church today, so Triba was the one telling us stories instead. There are basicly two types of dragons: The good Metallic dragons, which are made of different metals and named after them, and the evil Chromatic dragons, which are named after their colors. There's also a third neutral type which are made of gems, but they are even more rare. Mother said that they probably withdrew when the dragons started to fight each other.

Sinthar Bloodstone, the one everybody has come to know by name at least, was once banished as he tried to exterminate all the dragons. He was actually the main reason why the first dragon war ended. Even though the dragon gods left and most of the dragons went to hiding at his banishment, there were plenty of them left. Triba said that one could find an adult black dragon if one walked deep enough in the swamps just east of Hlint, or a blue one if one ventured to the small desert near the High Forest.

But in the last 50 years or so, they've been hunted down. Some by our side, some by unknown forces. Today, only 4 ancient dragons remain in Layonara. All Chromatic ones...

Fisterion - A red dragon who's the self styled king of dragons. The most powerful of them in his own way and also Pyrtechon's avatar. Has a really bad temper and, to put it mildly, hates mother.
Shadrixkayl - A shadow dragon. Very, very evil and the real "most-powerful-dragon" in the world. The true ruler of the underworld.
Long Storm - A female blue dragon who lives in the deserts of Dregar. Her real name is quite long and ugly according to Triba and she's bad tempered too. Sounded much like a spoiled girl-dragon in the way Triba put it...
Black Plague - A black dragon. Used to live in the Battle Fens Caves but now on Dregar, inside a crypt in the Dark Forest.

There was also a female green dragon called Fezrekethania who used to live in some old ruins within the jungles of Roldem. Her lair was a "magic goes crazy"-zone but didn't seem to be of an issue to Blood, who killed her a few years ago...

The fate of the Metallic dragons is less known... The last contact our side had with them was with Silver (a silver dragon, I think...).

What Triba and mother told me then is a secret, I think... Like, who the dragon that's calling us actually is... So, as usual, I won't write it down here...

* Written in the margin is the word "zool". *

New people I met today: Meira ((Meira)), Cole ((Cole Norseman))

[Weeblie]

((18 Mars 2006))

I went to the Broken Halls twice today. The first time was with a lot of people, and of course, didn't go very well. I've noticed that bigger groups tend to walk into bigger disasters than smaller ones. The second visit was with mother and Triba... I doubt anything can go wrong around them! Anyway, mother and Triba told me that the Broken Halls was once an elven city which had, obviously, fallen into ruin. Some evil vampire called Sapropias also used to haunt that place but, luckily, isn't there anymore...

New people I met today: Jet ((Jet)), Zimath ((Szimathack Dhurion'Drzael)), Jacchri ((Jacchri Abianca)), AnnaLee ((AnnaLee McGregger))

[Weeblie]

((19 Mars 2006))

Visited Ozymandias' house on Dregar today. Only one word is needed to describe it: Books!

Much later, when I was talking with Elladan and a few others about good and evil, something very strange happened. I said something unexpected:

"Say a person held a power, or a secret. A good person. They would have the free will to choose whether to use it for good or not, even if they had, say sworn not to reveal it. Whereas an evil person would always use such powers or secrets to their own gain. And others rise to the task. When leaders of good are no longer their to lead, then other good people will grow strong, in an hour of need..."

I don't know why I choose those words... I mean, I do make philosophical statements from time to time, but not to that degree! There is only one reason I can think of right now... But... That's impossible... Impossible...

New people I met today: Tergon ((Tergon)), Dervish ((Dervish the Eye)), Gildren ((Gildren)), Tolec ((Tolec Dakakhuur)), Talen ((Talen Sgath)), Jay ((Jay Peacemeadow))

[Weeblie]

((20 Mars 2006))

I met a very nice druid lady today. She said that she didn't have any name, though... So... I'll call her Kia ((Kutya'I))!

Poor Ozy... His illness seems to be very, very bad. I asked him if one could cure him, but he said that one would need a god. And that no god would be willingly to do that on his terms (just healing, no attaching of strings). Doesn't sound very unreasonable for me, but he said that there was a reason why he was in his current state. I hope he'll be fine someday in the future...

Later, I went to the Haven Mines with Matilda, Sabrissia, my sisters and a few others. Didn't go very bad, but I noticed that some people are a little bit crazy... Back on surface, Matilda did some card reading for us...

New people I met today: Kiva ((Darkchild))

[Weeblie]

((21 Mars 2006))

(( Quest - Meat Locker suprise! ))

We (Allie, Silly, Elladan, myself and a few others) met an archeologist in Port Hampshire today. He and his friends were asked by the authorities there to dig in a place in the city to get more details for the city's historical records. First they found a Dorandite crypt. No problems with that. But, then when they broke through a wall, they discovered that the place had been built on top of an older temple. A temple that was once inhabited by a cult of demon worshippers. Examining that place, as archeologists usually do, one of them accidentally triggered something and a ball of fire exploded. Some of them were killed then, but that's not it... The explosion also blasted a door which undead creatures started to come out from... He was the only one who escaped...

So, we decided to help him check that place out... We found some undead... A loom which had our life-threads (or something like that)... Some more undead... A stubborn golem... Even more undead... A door killing everyone passing through it... Undead again... Actually, it didn't go all that bad! Until we met the Marilith...

The Marilith, which we assumed was used for some evil ritual, was bound in a circle and kind of "sleeping". So, Allie and Silly started to examine the place and tried to figure out a way to send it back to where it belongs. They figured out that moving the focus brazier, or something like that, would disturb the link. But... It didn't work.

Angus did something incredible stupid then... He cut his hand with a dagger and completed the ritual! It was probably the worst thing one could have done there! What happened? Well, the creature was released, of course!

A "normal" Marilith is bad enough, I guess. An angry one is even worse. And this one had been trapped for a couple of hundred years there! So, to make the story short, the Marilith killed some of us (I was one of them) and then left by itself... Hopefully, back to its plane...

Stupid, stupid, stupid Angus!

* Obviously, she was quite upset when writing that. *

New people I met today: Hilda ((Hilda Von Axeweilda)), Storold ((Storold Doesscha))

[Weeblie]

((22 Mars 2006))

Triba made some new clothes for me today! Wonderful!

The only problem is that they are... well... showing off a little bit too much... I'll put my old dress on top of these later. But not today... Not the first day...

New people I met today: Marius ((Marius De'Leon)), Fenrir ((Fenrir Thornaxe))

[Weeblie]

((6 August 2006))

It's silent. All silent. The door slowly opens as a very young and cute looking elf enters. She's dressed in a plain white nightgown and judging by the faint smell of lavender, she has just taken a bath. In the right hand she holds a lit candle while in the left she carries a small book. With light steps she walks towards an elegant bed that looks way bigger than what seems to be necessary for her. After placing the candle on a nearby wooden table, she slowly sinks into the bed to a sitting position with the book open in front of her. Carefully, she picks up the quill lying on the table and writes:

There has been a long time since I last wrote in you, dear diary. So much time has passed. So much has happened. So much to tell. But where do I start?

I haven't seen my two sisters for a very long time. I hope they are well. I'm almost certain that they are well or otherwise mother would surely have told me. At the time writing this, they are probably in some distant place, exploring mystical caves and puzzle-filled dungeons. Or maybe just sitting beside a calm lake, listening to the soft sound of the waves and... Chatting...

She smiles at that thought and dips her quill into the ink and continues.

I miss them.

Mother. I can't find words to express my gratitude towards her. Whatever happens, I know I have someone to talk to. Someone to discuss my feelings with. Someone to comfort me when I'm troubled. She and aunt Triba have been doing that a lot lately. Listening to me, even though they easily could walk away and find some more enjoyable thing to do. But they don't. They choose to sit down with me instead.

Carefully, she takes her handkerchief and wipes her misty eyes.

It means a lot to me.

Acacea has slowly become my closest friend. She do have her quirks from time to time. Friendly insults are expected! But still, I like her. Oh, and there are always something going on around her. Always something happening. Always some news to tell. Might it be because she's a halfling? Like... Because of all the pies they eat?

She giggles for herself and adds:

No... It's because she's Acacea.

I've noticed that a lot of people don't trust me when it comes to important matters. I understand them. I'm young. I'm not even an adult, actually. But still... I wish they did. I might not be the wisest person walking, nor am I the cleverest. But sometimes, I do spot patterns in different situations. It makes me feel better that at least she seems to trust me in those situations.

Talan.

For a long while, she just sits there. Staring in front of her. Seeing things that only exists in her own mind. A memory. An illusion. A dream. A dream that never became true. A dream that slowly fades away.

I wasn't sure if I was going to write anything about him or not. It still pains me to think about him. Mother and aunt Triba have been a great support. I don't know what would have happened without them. But in the nights, when I'm all alone...

Tears falling freely from her cheeks as she forces herself to continue to write.

I once thought he was the person I forever would share my life with. But that seems so distant now. So far away. I loved him. I was happy around him. Every moment with him, my heart beat quicker. The world seemed more real. More joyful. I would have done everything he asked of me. It was he, and no other.

But now, I don't know anymore. I could write "I hate him" or "I never want to see him again", but that would be lies. He still has a place in my heart. He always will. There are always choices in one's life. Crossroads. I took one way. He took another. I wish he had picked the same one as me. But he didn't...

I wish him well. I hope he will find happiness in his life even without me. I don't think we will meet again. Sometimes, it's best if one doesn't. May the lifegiver watch over him...

It's getting late now. I better get some sleep. I have more things to write... But... Another day... Sleep for me now.

Good night, mother. Good night, aunt Triba. Good night, my dear diary.

And with those words, she closes her book and puts it away on the table.

The candle flame fades away.

All is pitch black again.

The only sound that can be heard is her soft sobbing.

// If you have read her previous entries, you'll notice that the old style is different from this one. Due to recent event, she has been forced to mature much faster than what she has done before and I hope I caught that in this entry. Slowly (and painfully) she realises of how the world really works, shattering her old innocent view of it. Not saying that this is a 180 degrees turning of her personality, but instead that she's finally catching up with the wisdom score she has according to the game mechanics (*winks at you-know-who-you-are*). Feel free to contact me by PMs or on IRC with comments/critiques!

[Weeblie]

((31 October 2006))

Time flows as it always has. Minutes become days. Days become months. Months become years. The Great Cycle repeats itself, just as it always has, always should and always will.

The soft sound of chirping birds can be heard. The young elven girl, known as Alleina, is silently sitting by the calm lake just beside the house she calls home. In one hand, she holds her diary, while in the other, she has her quill. If you happen to be one of the people who knows her well, you will notice that she hasn't got her usual joyful expression, but a one of sadness instead.

I'm sorry that I haven't written in you for a very long time. You are one of my dearest friends. You don't talk much, but you always take your time to listen to me. To the sorrows I have in my heart. I wish I had some happy news to write in you. But lately, those seem so distant. As far away as the days when Layonara were still bathing in the sunlight.

She lets out a deep sigh and continues.

A few words can shake the core of one's life.

I trust Him and I trust mother. They are both part of my life just as breathing and eating is. I wish the days could simply pass in peace and harmony, but it's never that easy. How can such a wonderful day as today be mixed with such sadness? The most joyful dream mixed with the most horrible nightmare.

Mother was so sure about it but yet, I cringed to the hope that it was wrong. That he didn't do it but someone else did. Someone who tried to make it look like it was His act. When Ozymandias told me that this had indeed happened before, my hope just got strengthened. But I know now that that hope was just... a hope. A dream. A wish. How can I deny that if even His Speaker confirms it?

I do understand why something had to be done, something to show how really valuable the gift of life is. But I don't think that was the right way to do it. It pains my heart to hear mother mention all the years of suffering. She has shown greater care for me as I have ever hoped from anyone. But to know that she has been through quite the opposite... That's just not right.

But how can I know what's the right thing to do and what's not. Lady Reventage is quite right to call me "girl". That's what I am. A silly girl living in my own dream world. It is well known that priests and priestesses are people of great wisdom with thorough understanding of how the world works. They are the ones giving you comforting words in your times of trouble. If a matter is brought up to them, they will know what to do.

I completely lack all of those traits.

Acacea said I'm the most absentminded cleric she has ever met. I used to just throw that thought away and disregard it as just a plain silly: "I'm definitely not absentminded, am I? If you want someone absentminded, just seek out the thousand years old wizard. Me? Absentminded? That's absurd!"

I realise know that what she said is in fact very true. I wonder if it will ever change.

Sometimes I ask myself: How comes that He answers my prayers? It means a lot to me, as it shows that He do puts his trust in me. But it's a trust I feel I'm not really worth. With that gift comes also a great responsibility I'm not sure if I'm mature enough to handle. But He do trust me. And I do trust Him. I have come to realise that not even the gods are flawless. I don't follow Him because he's perfect, but because His teachings are the ones I believe in.

For a long time, she just sits there and carefully holds her amulet in her hands. The finely crafted piece of gold and diamond jewellery glowing with a soft light. She gently kisses the amulet and continues to write.

We were told by a priestess of Az'atta to watch out for an Aeridinite known as Mercury. In his eager to show his worth for the Lifegiver, he did things that he shouldn't have done. That was of course shocking news for me, but what was more surprising was the description of him. "If you see anyone with silvery hair in particular. Avoid them. That is Mercury's sole feature that can be recognized behind form." I do have silver coloured hair. For the first time I feared for my own life around my friends and family. I mean, I actually even started to suspect myself there. But they didn't do anything. A glance or two maybe, but none of the questioning nor accusing. Mother didn't even frown at me when hearing that even though she had all reasons to.

A single tear falls down her cheek. A tear not of sadness or pain, but of warmth and love instead.

That means far more to me than anyone can believe.

Will things change now? Or will life continue as before? Can mother still accept me despite that I'm one of His followers? Is He angry on me if I still hold my trust to mother? I'm content if both of them are content. They are both dearer to me than myself. I fear the day I have to choose between them. I hope that day will never become true.

A small bird flutters down beside her and gives the young elf a curious look. She picks out what's left of a blueberry pie and places it in front of the tiny bird who instantly starts to eat the crumbs. With a finger she scratches his tiny belly and gives him a gentle smile. If the bird had been a cat, he would surely have started to purr in delight. Soon, the bird is joined in his meal by his friends.

I feel a little bit better now, after having written this down. After thinking a little, I do have some happy news too.

It was mother's birthday today! She's is...

She giggles a little and then continues.

I better not write down her age. I don't want her to feel too old, just in case she happens to peek in you, my dear diary.

It was a very busy birthday though, and I didn't really get around to give her the gift. I will do that the next time I see her. It's a very nice...

She giggles again and once more, she changes her mind.

Not going to write that either. Don't want to spoil the surprise for her in case she will look in you before I get the opportunity to give it to her! I hope she will like it.

What happened on her birthday was something most wonderful and amazing I've ever witnessed. Exactly what happened, I won't write down in you. This time, not because mother might peek. I mean, she already knows what happened. Allie on the other hand... I would rather tell her that directly!

Just to make a short summary (and to irritate anyone who reads in you): We went somewhere and met people who most believe had been gone for a long time. Mother also had a talk with someone completely amazing... Someone I just can't describe with words without hurting her feelings.

She smiles and adds.

Well, she probably wouldn't be hurt if I tried... But I do know I would fail horribly!

It's time for me to get something to eat now. I'm starving! And it is a well known fact that starving people generally have big problems finding words while writing in their dairies.

Good bye for now, my dear diary. I hope you will find a nice rest in my bag!

She carefully puts the book away and walks into the house, obviously looking much happier now than before.

// Okay... Another try to change her personality a little so the wisdom score of hers comes in sync. Her self confidence right now has reached a new bottom level, so excellent time for changes. Hopefully, I will be able to have more moments when her wisdom score is truly justified (those moments already happen a little now and then, but far too few in my opinion), but it's kind of tricky, as I'm quite fond of playing her in the... erh... the way I do right now ( ). This diary entry is supposed to be somewhat contradicting. She has started to doubt a little on her faith, but yet, her faith hasn't been as strong as now either (excellent timing really, as she's only a few thousands of XP left to reach level 16 and get 8th level spells!). This path might eventually lead to her leaving Aeridin. As usual, of course depending on what will happen the coming few weeks. Judging by the looks of it right now, there is a 25% chance for that. As usual, feel free to spam me... I mean, contact me, by PMs or on IRC with comments/critiques!

[Weeblie]

((15 November 2006))

Alleina is quietly walking in the woods when she suddenly hears something rustling in the grass beside her. Looking down at the direction where the sound comes from, she notices a young bird with one of its wings bent in an awkward way. Cautiously she picks the small creature up, who is obviously too weak to make any effort to resist. From one of her bags, Alleina takes out a bottle of some crystal clear water and carefully lets a few drops of the liquid drop onto the bird. The animal twitches a little before drifting into a curing and calming magical sleep. Smiling kindly to the bird, the elven girl sits down in the grass and gently puts it into her lap. From the usual place in her bag, she picks out a bottle of ink, a quill and her diary, and murmurs for herself: I might as well write a little now...

Dear diary.

Again, it has been some time since I last wrote in you. Some good things has happened. Some bad things also. Some thoughts have been occupying my time. Some decisions have been made during this time. For the better? Or for the worse? I'm not sure and I doubt I will ever know how my future will be if I would make other choices instead. I'm not a shifter nor a seer. Even they can't fully predict what will come. The future, the current and even the past is never truly defined. Changes might affect all aspects of time.

Love and friendship are wonderful, but the paths from them might also lead to great pain. In a short amount of time, I have hurt more people than I have ever done before.

First, we have Angela. During the years in Raven Trade Company, our friendship has slowly grown. From a person I could simply talk with to get the time passing, to a person I can share some of my thoughts and troubles with. But it's not always a calm and peaceful friendship. She cares about me and I do care about her, but there are some differences in how we handle things, in how we perceive them. Differences that are sometimes leaving cracks between us.

I have almost always kept most of my feelings for myself. At least, the ones that might hurt someone else. Angela is much more open hearted than I am, and probably ever will be. For some actions, I feel that the thoughts and reasoning behind them, I better keep just for myself. It's not a matter of trust or not, but rather, that the topics are about the core of myself. I admit I sometimes take the secrecy to an unnecessary high level, a level where the hiding itself starts to hurt people.

That was what made her angry at me, and I as close to being angry on her as I've ever been before. I was prepared to just turn my back on her and leave.

Alleina glances at the still sleeping bird and smiles a little, before continuing.

Tears clear one's anger and purges one of all bad emotions. Ozymandias was right on that point. I'm glad he was.

Storold is the second person I've hurt. When he told me the first time, I could have said no. But, I couldn't. I knew it would pain him if I had done that, so I decided to simply wait. Wait and hope that time would change my feelings towards him. That everything would eventually fix themselves with a happy ending as result. I was wrong. So wrong.

He has always been a friend, a very good a friend. A friend who has always been there to listen to one. To care about one. At least, that was what he was before now. Many months has passed since he first told me, and I didn't feel anything still had changed. His caring and wish to protect felt more like those one gets from a father or an older brother than those from someone one can share one's life with. Love is such a strange thing. It never turns out the way one wants.

I knew I would hurt him by telling him that. I have been in the same situation. But I felt it was necessary. An unpleasant thing that had to be done. Usually, the longer one waits, the more it will hurt in the end. And I was right. Completely right.

What I hadn't thought of was that it might already have been too late. Already waited for too long. Storold is changed now. He's different. After I told him, he stopped caring. Not so much stopped caring about me, as he would have all rights to do that, but more that he has stopped caring about himself, about anything. He feels know as an empty shell of his former self and not like the friend I have always liked. I'm not sure about him anymore.

I hope he will get around again. Or that Mother will help him getting around once again. He seems now to be the same person he was after he left Nyyana. But worse. Much worse. This time, the fault is mine. And mine alone. I hesitated and hoped it would turn out in a good way to avoid hurting his feelings instead of telling him the unclouded truth. The pain I have inflicted now is far worse the one I could have done back then. I'm so very sorry...

She lets out a deep sighs and quietly sits there, stroking the sleeping bird. After a long time lost in her own thoughts, she picks the quill up again and continues to write.

Other things are also changing.

After having time to think about it, I'm not sure anymore. I thought I could simply live with the knowledge of what he had done to mother, to simply consider that as a part of the past. But I can't. I still trust him and I believe I always will. He has been, and will always be, a very important part of me.

When I've been alone in a corner by myself, I always knew that he was watching over me. That even though it looked dark at those times, there would always be another bright morning. I knew that whatever would happen, he would be with me and guide me if I took the wrong path and got lost. It was something to lean on; the big unmoving rock I always knew was there.

In a way, I still feel like this today. He is the god I follow and his teachings are the ones I put to my heart. Any denial would be an outright lie. But, after what has happened, what I know now, a tiny disagreement is slowly fogging that trust.

The Great Cycle is about the birth, the life itself and the death. All three inevitable aspects, ever repeating to the end of the days, as it should be. Any attempt to change one of the parts shouldn't be taken very lightly, as it is important that the Great Cycle is working as it should. Without the balance, the world would eventually fall into ruin.

But... I have come to realise that sometimes, the rules are broken for the better than for the worse. I do admit that making sure people aren't cheating the Great Cycle has never been one of the parts I try to uphold most, but it was still something I was conscious about and frowned on. After the years I’ve met some very special people, my views on that have definitely swayed. Some people have done, and are doing, far greater things this way than they would if they had been forced to completely obey the rules.

It's a view I don't believe is shared by anyone else among his followers as it is against his dogma itself.

The relation between a priestess and her goddess should be a one of complete trust and without a single hint of doubt. A relation I was able to give before now. I'm not in position to question his wisdom. I'm not in position to question anyone's wisdom as I severely lacks it myself. But, I can't come from the fact that I believe what was done is... wrong... and simply cruel...

Those are the cracks between us that I don't believe can be mended in a short time. Maybe some day in the future, but not now.

I think the church of Aeridin would benefit of without my presence, at least for now. I don't feel it's right of me to call myself one of his priestesses when I'm not so sure about his wishes myself. When I'm not completely believing in the path he is showing me.

I will eventually visit the temple in North Point, but I want some more time to think over this first, if he lets me. This is a very big decision, bigger than any of those I've ever made before. A decision that will forever change my future. I don't want to make it hasty and find out that's not what I wished, after all. I want to think this over again and again until I'm truly sure about it. He has been like a father for me and one doesn't just part from one's family over a night. I'm sure he already know about my thoughts of this matter and I'm grateful for his patience and to let me make the decision. He could simply throw me away if he wanted to, after all.

If this ever comes true, he will still be someone close, just not as close as now. I -am- very thankful for all the joy and happiness he has brought into my life. Nothing will change that fact.

Until I do decide, I will still do the duties that are placed upon me as a priestess. In these dark times, there are more people living in poverty and in need of help that one can count. My heart tells me to give them whatever aid I can. The only wish I have is that he, for now, still can trust me enough to allow me to do that.

She closes her book with a deep sigh and carefully puts it away in its usual spot in one of her many bags. The small birds lets out what can only be a yawn and looks at her with very cute eyes. Smiling gently, she carefully pats the now quite unshy little animal and lifts it up in her palm. With a last thankful glance at the elven girl, it flaps its wings and flies away.

// After reconsidering it, the chance for her to leave her faith suddenly bumped up to "quite likely". The reason for that are many, a few of them I haven't stated here (and not going to either), really. Keep the comments flowing, as usual!

[Weeblie]

((4 Mars 2007))

Alleina is sitting on her bed and humming a joyful tune for herself. Beside her lays a jar with four well-fed glow-worms crawling around among the leaves, their soft light revealing a small bottle of ink, a quill and a book nearby. The elven girl carefully opens the ink bottle and with a graceful gesture dips the quill into it before starting to scribe in her diary.

It has once again been a very long time since I last wrote in you, dear diary. I've grown a little bit lately and my head can almost reach Angela's shoulder now! People say that I'm short and I guess... I am a little bit shorter than most people. But certainly not as short as they say!

I wonder what Mother has been doing lately. She seems to be very, very busy and I haven't seen her at home for a long time. Though, I did receive a letter from her a few weeks ago. She sounded very concerned about the cursed rose I accidentally picked up. That reminds me of that I should send her another letter back, as the previous one didn't really tell what I now think of the whole matter.

Ralinda has made me two new dresses that are looking quite different from the ones I'm used to. Allie is usually wearing this type of clothes and I've also seen Xania in them. They are quite comfortable, except for one pair of the shoes, and look quite nice. At least, a lot of boys seem to think that. But they are slightly on the "lack of dress"-side and nothing I've ever completely get used to. I hope I can keep these two dresses for Mother!

She gives a light-hearted giggle before continuing.

This immediately brings my thoughts to a lovely knight I've met! His name is Tristan and I've spent quite a lot of my time with him lately. He's so very cute and most importantly... he seems to like me! He also seems to have a very poetic side, a gift I've seen in very few.

I first met him during one of those evenings when Angela and Ralinda were trying to tell me that I'm not looking all that bad in the new dress and that I should be proud over it. I think I kind of managed to catch Tristan's attention with it. Well... not only his, but some others' also. Together with my friends, we had a nice talk and a few other things happened with details that I would rather skip for the moment.

Anyway, I did notice that Tristan seemed to show a slight interest in me and he acted quite gentlemen-like. I then decided I would let him walk with me to the door of Angela's house, where I would spend the night at (it was too late by then to travel all the way home).

She lets out another giggle before taking up the writing again.

Tristan's nice and acts quite confident, but he's also a little bit shy deep inside him. I would have let him kiss me at that moment, and actually expected it, as it is rather traditional to do so. But, no, he didn't and I gave him a light kiss on his cheek instead. He was so cute!

A few days later, he asked me if I wanted to have a picnic with him and...  Well, how could I possibly say no? He brought me to a very nice place with a very nice waterfall where we had a very nice meal of the lovely food he had prepared. There, he started to tell me about how it comes that he joined the church of Lucinda. As all stories, there are both the light and happy bits and also the dark and sad parts. What happened eventually resulted in his legs getting hurt, the reason of why he's limping now. But, at the same time, it was what shaped him into what he is today.

She closes her eyes and smiles at the obviously fond memories.

I like him. And I'm afraid. The old memories are still there, to never be forgotten. It would pain me greatly if the past repeats itself, if what had happened once again came true. I hope it won't. I know it won't. Not this time, not ever after. But it's still a doubt I cannot simply throw away, a shell around myself as Angela called it. I cannot know what the future will bring, but not now. It's too early, far too early. I'm glad that he understands me. He told me that he had been through this himself, that what I have experienced is also what he has experienced. Understanding is, after all, a very important step in a friendship.

She lets out a soft sigh and carefully puts her scribing materials away. Quietly, as though not wanting to wake anyone else up, she crawls into the blankets to get a well-deserved rest. In a quiet voice, she tells herself: "Why is it never as easy as the stories say...?"

[Weeblie]

((19 June 2007))

A few glowing worms are crawling around in a small jar, their light giving the room a ghostly feeling. The young elf, known by the name Alleina, can be seen sitting upright in a finely crafted bed with her quill in one hand and her diary in the other. Humming softly for herself, she dips the quill into the bottle of ink present and starts to scribble in her book.

Time has passed, once more, once again. So much has changed, so much has changed me. For good or for bad? I hope... no... I'm sure that it's the first. A chapter of my life has ended and a new one has just begun.

She rubs her forehead before continuing.

My heart should be heavy after all that has happened, but strangely, it is not. Aeridin did decide to push me away, and so I decided to return the favor. I no longer care about Him, His church and all that He stands for, as it has been proven again and again that those are just lies. He teaches others to value life, yet He does not Himself.

Kind and gentle are what He's known as, what I thought He was, although none was shown when it really mattered. Instead the opposite was slipping through. I'm just sad that Bell had to depart before I finally realized. Her death was my fault, but I'm not naive enough to take full credit for it. He knew, He watched, He could have helped, but instead, He settled for the opposite and what should not have been lost is now gone. Cruelty wrapped in silk is what I said He was, cruelty wrapped in silk is still what I think He is.

I'm so very sorry, Bell... So very sorry... Whatever happens, you are my friend and you will always remain my friend. So much I will promise you, so much I owe you.

She closes her eyes and gets a sad expression as she remains completely silent for a few minutes. After taking a few deep breaths as though to calm herself down, she continues to write.

My dear diary, have you noticed how strange it is that life is such a mixture of joy and grief? One moment, I feel like my life had no purpose, of me just wanting to lie down and let the days pass. The next moment, I feel like I had the whole future before me, wishing the time could freeze or at least slow down. Today is definitely one of the later days.

She smiles for herself as she dips the quill in the ink again.

I'm going to be married! It was so very lovely! We were on a small island, having a nice picnic when he offered me a slice of blueberry pie. Something glittered from the inside... something round... something turning out to be a ring! I'm so very happy!

You probably sense that I'm very excited over the whole thing, and surely I am! I thought first that marriage was just a confirmation of what one already knew, not a big deal! But now... I'm not so sure about that. Yes, it -is- just a confirmation, but at the same time, it is also something bigger... If that makes sense! I know, dear diary, I tend not to make sense so very often and surely not now!

I wonder how much I will change, if I will change at all. Will I feel as though someone has put big stones in my bags or will no such burden be placed on my life? Despite all the happy feelings that are jumping inside me, tiny drops of doubt are present after what mother said. I'm very happy now, but will I still be in thirty years? Forty? Fifty?

Silence is once again filling the room for a long while, until Alleina finally picks her quill up again. The soft scratching noise of it touching the page echoes through the quiet room.

It doesn't matter. I love Tristan and I always will.

She puts her book and quill away, stuffing the jar of glowworms under the bed before once again laying her head down on the cushion. After that, she carefully takes the sleeping Tristan's hand in hers, while staring up the roof for what seems to be hours. The thoughts are bouncing through her head as the darkness engulfs the room. The only sound that can be heard is the ones from their soft breathing. Just before she drifts away to her dreams, she whispers to no one in particular.

Thank you, Ilsare...

[Weeblie]

((12 October 2007))