Black is only skin deep.

[Hellblazer]

*She takes her journal out and dust it off*

There's so much I could write, but I feel to void at the moment to even formulate a clear thought of what has happened in the recent years. The feelings I had hidden to every one but to keela about her, the openness I had left my heart open but knowing that she loved her husband more than anything, in which I respected .. mostly. But truly I knew.. that it was safe for me. I couldn't be hurt again this way. I could love and feel, and enjoy what Ilsare gives, without fearing of being hurt. But then out of no where, Lacee comes up and mixes everything up. My walls, my shields, my fortress crumbled up within months of knowing her, and I found myself open, unprotected, feeble toward her. And she did to.. but then as always, as was to be expected I guess, the pain, the knife through your heart to your very soul. At first it was because of this Jared going about and mixing her up with his insults, making her realize the feelings she had, that what i had told her was true, about her womanhood and all. She needed time to grow, time away and I gave her the time, I gave her space, but before we left she cut some of her hair away and breaded it around my finger.. which I then put on my necklace so it would be safe, and to my heart. She said it was to remind me that she would never forget how she felt. But as I gave her space.. she found those same feelings for an other.. this Armand I had met a few times before. And at that moment I was back to exactly the same feelings I had felt when Mai had left me without news. I died again in myself. It was as if life it self was being tore away from my soul and my soul was being desiccated into thousands of pieces, pawn at, played with and tortured with it never dying but left to feel everything. And she knows it, she could see it, In the end I just couldn't hid it from her. How can I help others in their expression of arts, beauty and love.. if I can't even find it for myself.. Each time it being poisoning me to a point where I wish Wren would not have saved me, and that the Slavers would just had killed me there. I think in the end, it would have been a better fate, as I know today that what ever I do, who I am, what I am will never be taken away, no matter how hard I try to conceal it, or change it. I am cursed, curse to be lonely, forsaken by all. But my feelings for her are true, and I told her that she would have to find it in her own heart to see who she think might bring her the most happiness in her life. And this was the most heart wrenching thing I could have ever told her, because I know.. as white is white and as the fire can heat you or kill you, that she will never be as happy with me as she could be with any one else in this world, because of who I am.. of what I am.. the cursed ones.. the nightmares of the night.. the death dealers and accursed ones.. a dark elf. As I told her this, I knew that in the end I was letting her go, as much as I love her, I can't force her to stay with me or that would make the feelings I have for her meaningless, and it would not honor Ilsare, it would not make those feelings beautiful and true. As I told her that, I knew that sooner or later she would find her feelings for him blossom and she would chose him.

I'll try to be her friend none the less, without keeping hopes that she finds me to be what brings her happiness. I'll try to support her as much as I can, and help her grow into the woman she can be. But there is no more fooling myself about my future. I know I am destined to remain as is......


*she closes her journal taking her amulet out from under her armor and stares at it, by her fire place for a long moment, falling asleep there on her cushions.*

[Hellblazer]

*She looks at the blank page, her amulet in her hands, the braid of Lacee's hair still intertwined in it, unconsciously stroking it. So many things has happened since the last time she wrote in her journal, yet she does not find the words to express them until she decides to only talk of the most recent events and even then the words comes slowly to her.*

I answered the call of friendship. Faced my deepest fears. And exposed myself as I had never been exposed before, at least more than ever before. Elly, my eldest friend since I had left the temple and Al'noth mentor, the one that had utter faith in me when most still feared me, the one that had opened her house for me to live in needed my help and I couldn't refuse her.

I met her with many others, Sehky and my Arcane Archery mentor Jilseponie, and many others that I did not know, of only saw once, at the temple of Lucinda in Spellguard. I could feel each fibre of my body crying to leave as those I didn't know kept coming closer, trying to look at me, pear through the darkness of my heavy cowl, even though Sehky kept imposing himself to discourage them. But it the end it was all in vain, as I was asked, like others, to remove the cowl. My heart that was pumping already to the brink of exploding suddenly stop and I could feel the blood leave my covered face. At that moment I felt like time stopped as all were looking at me, I could feel their gaze, but yet no muscles of my body would respond to my commands, not even to the thoughts of opening my tome and disappearing in thin air. I stood there helpless, and without the safety of the cover of my friends. Suddenly I heard her voice, Elly calling to me to come closer, telling me it was alright, and that I could show my face. I could hear her and Sehky plead for my case to the others, even though they knew that there was no escape from it. At first my body wouldn't respond until finally I willed it to obey my command. I felt so unsteady physically, emotionally.

I manage to move closer to her as she came closer to me, and even though my hands were trembling, something I had never felt this intensely before, I doubt I could have even held an arrow let alone shoot one, I moved the cowl back enough for all to view. I heard the gasps, saw their eyes hardened, their body stance change into defensive posture. I think I even saw some reach for their weapons, when they saw the darkness of my skin, the red of my eyes, and the silvery tattoos on my visage. I felt so powerless, so uncovered, would I have been without clothes that it would have felt the same as I was feeling then. There was no turning back now, no controlling who knew what I am.  And yet I could still hear Elly, Sehky, Jil and even Tray vouch for me with all their intent, but for nothing. Nothing they could have said or done would have changed anything. And for most of them, if a guard had taken upon himself to slay me, almost all of them would not have even felt the slightest shame about it. I am after all a Dark elf. And by the laws of the land, they are allowed to kill me on sight. Yet no one did, no one laid a finger on me or harmed a single white hair on my head. I could start to breath, and it felt different, as if I was truly breathing for the first time in my life. Here in this room, filled with people, priests, bards, sorcerers, wizards, hunters, Law man, I stood alive, and even if I knew that most didn't trust me, I knew that I was still whole and no sword was thrusting from my heart and chest.

Elly finally explained why we were all called here, specially chosen for the task. She wanted to retrieve things that were once hers but had been stolen. Not in the conventional way, but in a much more dangerous way. We were to help her scry to her belongings and then summon them back to her. The enormity of the task was simply mind blowing. I had practice scrying, succeeded a few times. But this was so much more than I had even imagined. And if the act by itself wasn't dangerous enough, we were going to do it against my own kind. Yet I didn't fear for my self, but for all the others with us. Without speaking for the others, I already knew that if needed, I would have sacrificed every fiber of my being to see this to success, even if it meant never coming back. But where the others ready for it? As the fabled Connor explained the dangers, did they really understood the gravity of the act we were about to do? But although I'm sure that might not have known, they all decided to help Elly of their own accord, and that has to speak volume on how profoundly Elly has touched the life of those around her. I can only hope one day that I will be able to look back on my life and say that I have touch at least one person just a fraction of what she has, and that would make me feel as I have lived a good life. But still, the reality of the situation dawning on us, the mistrust was still present, and I was asked to be blindfolded so that I would not know where we were going. Did they think that through me, the enemy would be able to see? Or that I would turn on all those I cherish? Do they understand that I would die before even hurting any of them. And if ever I did, that I know I could count on Wren promise to put an end to my life if ever I turned to my kind's evilness? Nonetheless I complied, and Sehky as the gentleman he is, guided me through what seemed to be some kind of magical portal. I felt it electrify through my body, an odd sensation when you can not see where you are going. And for a long while I stood there, blind as a mole, listening to them trying to decide what their task would be.

When finally the blindfold was taken away from my eyes, I was left blinded by the brightness of the room. It was thought of me that I should help to protect those scrying, but in me I knew that I would be ill suited for that task. I had never attempted to protect someone from a counter scry, I had and still have no idea of the simple basics about it. Yet I knew that from my meager experience with scrying, I would be more useful to Elly helping her with that. And so, even though no one was there to anchor me, to provide me with their energy, I stood beside Elly ready to give all I had for her. She deserved the very least for all that she had done for me, and for the friendship that we have. And so we went on with our attempt. Through pain and fatigue, we pushed and opened ourselves to the Al'noth. Extending our power to see past the moment to where the objects where. Even if I knew that some were failing, and that the strain was starting to take a told on all of us, I tried my utmost to disregard what was happening around me, and focus myself on attuning myself with Tray and Elly, following the current in the Al'noth to the point of our destination. It felt like hours, I'm sure it was hours that passed since we had started, but we kept on and on. At one point, I'm not sure how or why, I felt the most horrible pain I had ever felt, and when I woke up I was back here at the house, in my bed. Apparently we failed at retrieving the objects, as we fell into a well layout trap. Instead of retrieving the object, we retrieved a couple of monsters, and one of our own fell in the fight that ensued. But in our failure there was success. I now know that it is possible to summon someone or something while scrying. But yet, with that new knowledge I am sadden. Sadden that we could not achieve what we had set out to do. And sadden that by our failure, Elly might still not feel complete without these objects so dear to her heart.

As I write this I still feel weakened by the experience, drained. But it will get better, at least I hope.

*She sets the quill down and lets the ink dry, reading what she had written and still unconsciously gently stoking the lock of hair imbedded in the chain of her reckless.*