Daniella Abigail Stormhaven- a journal

[Alatriel]

It seems I've long neglected this book. It's almost humorous to me how suddenly it found its way to the top of my stack of paperwork so to speak. The things that have occurred over the last few months... years... are beyond something that ever I would've thought I would find myself ever in my life.

The task given to me by Toran is not something that I ever will forget, or regret, for it taught me something profound throughout the experience. If nothing else, that my love for Toran runs deeper than I ever truly understood. The world without Him would be a bleak place, and He does lead us, and protect us, and care for us in ways that we don't often see, but even if He were to be drawn from this world to let us fight the forces of darkness and corruption on our own, He would still be with us. His ideals would not leave those of us who are true and faithful to Him, and therefore... Toran would not be gone from us in truth. Perhaps this was the true test. Toran himself was never really the one being tested anyways. The test was of His followers, His Chosen... me. It's a humbling and yet completely uplifting and inspiring thing really.

Toran calls us to lead the people, to protect them from the forces of evil. It is in this light I have been working to unify the world's peoples against the common evil and corruption of the Dragon Cult. Some of the information I've learned about them is truly disturbing indeed, and some of the information and things that seem they must be done in the hopes that the Greater Good will win out are things I never thought I'd see myself doing. And yet others, people have suggested, and I don't think will ever be something that I can do. There is only so far that the ends justify the means. After that one begins to wonder if more evil was caused or allowed than was stopped?

The days in which I am fighting for my life against insurmountable foes seems relatively relaxing in comparison to the days when I find myself debating against insurmountable would-be allies. There are times when I feel that surely there must be someone more capable than I am of doing these things, of leading these people. But then I feel Toran's presence within me, lifting me up, calling me to do these insurmountable things, to continue to represent him even though the Divine Court is over and that judgement is over. My final judgement is yet to come, and will come one day when I stand before Toran in the afterlife and then He can tell me on whether or not I have truly been a Champion of His Divine Will.

I have faith that things will turn out and that good will prevail. I have to. But as I learn of the corruption that eats through these Cult members it disturbs me. To fight someone who knows they are committing evil, who relishes in the evil and flaunts it proudly is someone who is easy to identify and easy to bring down in the name of the Light and Virtue of Toran. But someone who exudes the stench and decay of evil and yet seems to truly believe to be doing the world good, that they are saving it, in fact, from an evil that they perceive as more evil? Can they be saved? Can people like that be convinced as to what is truly the greater good, or are they lost? Where is the line drawn when it comes to insanity? And then where when the insanity is no longer in just one person, but has spread like a plague to a large group that is terrorizing innocents?

I find myself walking in new circles these days. The Church at my back and my support, I know that in order to prevail all of the world must be willing to join together to defeat our common enemy. And yet I find myself trying to understand the intricacies of political structures. I've had advice from a few within Toran's church who are used to dealing with other religions and countries, but it's so much more... urgent perhaps? because we are not dealing with just a person, or just the ability to hold a service or build a temple... We're talking about thousands upon thousands of lives. I wonder sometimes if people feel that when I am willing to send Toran's bravest and finest into battle for the cause against the Cult I have no feeling for the number of lives lost, and the number of lives outside of those that will be altered and possibly lessened forever due to the loss of the one that died. Each loss I feel keenly. And now as I take the helm of this ship, as the Mercenary so bluntly called it, I feel that the responsibility has multiplied.

Toran give me wisdom that I may lead these people into their victory and salvation and not their deaths unnecessarily. Let any sacrifices made be worth the cost.

[Alatriel]

*written some time after the end of the Cult war*

I suppose that I have time to write in this book again.  It's been years, it seems.  I hold the quill in my hand to write, but there are almost no words to describe all that has happened in the last years.

All I know is that when I come home now the house is quiet.  Chaynce isn't here to fuss at me for being away so long, or to ask me if Toran has accepted his invitation to tea yet.  He isn't here with a comforting smile, or a hug, or a kiss on the cheek.

After all of the noise of battles that I've lived through, I should be thankful for the quiet.  But this quiet is deafening.  He had put all of the letters that I had written him on the shelf in the living room.  I found the ones that I had that he had sent me and added them.  His desk is starting to collect dust now, but I don't want to disturb it.  His pillow still has his scent... and I am not looking forward to the day when that scent no longer lingers.

It's the quiet that gets to me.  I close my eyes and I see all of the men and women that I killed.  I see all those that died under my command... I see them fighting with everything they had, and I can still hear the noise of battle, the screams, the cries of pain as people fell.  Good people.  Strong people.  People that should have been able to live their lives in peace.  There was so much death.  I feel haunted by it.  I can't seem to forget what went on.  Maybe I'm not supposed to.  Those people deserve to be remembered.  They deserve to be  honored, and mourned.

And I see Chaynce's face smiling at me when he said "I'm still here."  I wish I had had something better to tell him then except all I could say was, "I'm glad."  I wonder if I told him all that I should have.  I asked Toran to watch over him, and to accept him.  I have faith in Toran that He would.  I only hope that Chaynce isn't too stubborn to accept.  I hope he knows I miss him.

[Alatriel]

Things continue on, busy as usual.  My house is filled with young men and women learning their paths into the service of Toran and the people of Layonara.  Two that had no solid base in the faith have recently said that they want to devote their lives to His service, and His faith.  I can't help but be proud of them to have overcome so much, their personal strifes and challenges to have come so far.  Taking a leap of faith, is just that, a leap.  I know that I've tried to explain it to them, and that I've tried thus far to impress upon them that no matter the choices they face now, there will always be harder decisions ahead of them when they walk down this path.  I worry for them.  I could wish for them to have a simple life, that they all simply be farmers or tradesmen or wives, that they would never even consider touching a bindstone, never fight a war, never have to face a creature of evil or an abomination from the Pits.  And yet, this is their life to lead.  Whether or not I choose to teach them, they most likely would have found their way if it is meant to be.  I keep telling myself that each time I bring them out to face these challenges and each time I know I see a bit of their innocence fading as they learn more about what truly is in the world that we try so hard to protect others from, that it is hopefully saving their lives in the future.  I hope some day they will forgive me for what I have done to them.  I know I have taken children and have had a part in making them become adults.  I know that I've taken away an innocence that they will never get back.  Maybe it is after all like Lance has tried to say so many times.  Perhaps not in the way he believes, but in a way that does indeed hold true for who I am and what I believe is my mission in life in service to the Hand of Virtue.  There is a balance to life.  You have to get your hands dirty in order to make things clean.  In order to see through to the light you have to face the darkness.  In order to have a victory, there must first be a battle.  In order to succeed, you must first know what it is to fail.  And in the case of these no-longer-children, their childhood must die in order for their lives to be spared later on in this life that we lead together.  Toran knows that I love these children.  No.  They are no longer children.  They're growing up.  

There are some things that I know each of them still holds on to from their past that I hope they each will be able to come to terms with.  I fear that those things are holding them back from the person that they are meant to be:  Hector's standoffish arrogance, Marinus's quiet avoidances, Marion's fear that she is not good enough, Raelyn's self-consciousness about her appearance and abilities, William's fear to face combat with those he cares about, Alexander's exuberant zeal.  What is funny is that I see in each of these things pieces of myself as I have grown over the years.  I suppose they should be considered at an advantage.  They each seem to only have a piece of something whereas I had to face every single one of those challenges and didn't even realize it.  I hope that together they'll be able to overcome every obstacle that comes before them, and that their combined faith in Toran will help them change the world for the better.

[Alatriel]

The transition from war commander to diplomat is not easy.  It's very much like having to learn a whole new set of rules for a different sort of warfare.  The rules of engagement are the different, but similar.  They instill quite a lot of the same feelings, and often enough I feel that if I don't do my job properly, people will die.  Things are simply far more subtle than they are in the field.  Far more subtle.  Facial expressions, postures, twitches of the eyebrow, tensing of the shoulders.  Things that I would watch as a tell in an opponent when fighting, the same sort of reactions are there in political discussions, but they are covered so much better.  Overall people seem to be trained to cover what they are feeling for the sake of relations or because they are supposed to be presenting a certain face to the public.  And yet, it has to be done.  

I find myself lacking nearly constantly.  I am not a politician, and though I serve as a diplomat, I know that I am not the smoothest in any measure.  I've asked myself and I've asked Toran so many times if I should let someone else handle the things that I am doing with the new alliances, with rebuilding the castle... but my gut and my heart tells me to keep going, so I do.  "Your gut is as good as gold," Jillian says to me?  Hopefully she realizes that hers is just as good.

"Ever the evangelist," Lord Jaedon has said to me.  Yes, well, that's an entirely separate and third form of war.  Perhaps even a fourth with him.  I don't blame him for not wanting to trust in another master, even if that "master" is a god who would not lead him astray the way Molvaren did.  But I suppose the work we are doing together is a start to some sort of redemption for him.  I hope so anyway.  I am met constantly with people who question why I could possibly see anything in a man who was my enemy, who defeated me.  But then I look at the way he cares for his people, and is trying so desperately to see them not only survive, but build a future, and I wonder how can they not see it?

There is still so much work ahead of both of us.  I never thought I would see myself doing the work that I'm doing now.  Not once.  But then, each of the steps I've taken in my life perhaps have been whatever is understandable to follow.  

I'm thankful that Toran sees more than I do.