Daniella Abigail Stormhaven- a journal

[Alatriel]

Something good in the middle of so much darkness... something bright and safe and dare I even say fun and challenging all at the same time?

In the middle of so much hatred and vengeance and death... a chance for love?

Toran does provide indeed.

[Alatriel]

I had a talk with Aeronn last night.  He found me at the inn.  Apparently that little Brownie, Annie, told him he needed a wife, and that I would be a good wife for him except that I was already courting someone.  I didn't think that I'd ever seen her around that she would know that, but then again, she is very small.  Perhaps I overlooked her?  Anyways, once he got over I guess the initial shock, Aeronn seemed to be alright with everything.  He said that he is thinking of applying to be a Knight of the Wyrm.  I hope that it makes him happy.

[Alatriel]

Mercy is a tricky thing...

This thing with the dark elf.  With Sion. It's taken up now five years of my life, and will take up another twenty.  There have been notices of people outside the temple now with people who have a problem with Sion being at the temple.  They are afraid of him, and I don't blame them.  He represents a people that has terrorized those of us on the surface for much longer than my short life has been witness to.  I remember hearing stories as a young child from my parents and teachers of what dark elves were capable of.  

So, since I failed to kill him when I was instructed, he got away.  And since I failed to catch him, we had to wait five years before he decided to finally turn himself in.  And since I asked for mercy that he know service rather than just sending him back to the deep or killing him, which may or may not be the end to him... we now are stuck with him.  I am doing my best to see this as a test for me, a means to learn patience, to see beyond the darkness and negativity that he exudes, but I admit I am having a hard time.  

Because he was with us, Miss Kashi was held at knife point.  Because someone decided they wanted to kill the dark elf.  Or... did he want to free him?  I'm not sure anymore.  The real question is, if we are out for the greater good, whose good are we serving here more?  The good of one dark elf, or the good of the rest of the people who are now afraid to set foot inside our walls, where they used to come for refuge and safety?  What happens if the children of Ft. Llast or the surrounding areas are threatened again by vampires?  If we ask them to come into the temple for safety again, will they refuse?  Will lives be lost because we have attempted to save one dark life from continuing down a dark path?

I've helped those outside the temple where I can, but I can only do so much.  Twenty years may not be a long time to the dark elf, but to the humans it is a very long time, and will not be good for our following if they are not comfortable coming to us.  But I don't think we can trust Sion outside our walls.  He's proven too many times his willingness and ability to run off and do the wrong thing.  

I will pray about it more...  Something may have to change.

[Alatriel]

Well... I told him.  I asked him if he meant it when he called me his love and he said he did, and asked how I felt.  So I told him.  I told him that in spite the fact that for so long I couldn't tell if I liked him or if I just wanted to hit him, probably to knock some sense into that thick head of his, I was surprised to find myself falling in love with him.  The strange thing is, I never really thought about myself trully being with another person before.  It got to the point that I worried if it would interfere with my devotion to Toran.  I don't feel that my love for Toran has wavered at all, in fact, quite the opposite, but I needed to talk to someone that might give me just a bit more insight, so I decided to talk to Brandon.  As a priest, I figured he would be the best person to consult with, and as a friend, I knew he'd give me a straight answer.  I wondered if it was just a trick of Ilsare, or if it meant that I loved Toran less because I could love a man.  He told me that he was not interfering in my duty to Toran for the simple reason that before anything really had been done or said, I was asking about how it would affect my devotion to my god.  He told me that the important thing was that I was in love with that person and that he understood my responsibilities and passion for Toran, and that together we could do His work.  

I still think that deep down he follows Toran at least in his actions even if he won't even admit it to himself.  I don't expect him to join the clergy or anything... but there is a lot to him that he hides from the world.  Maybe this is just one of those things.

[Alatriel]

Things that I know:

A lot of Corathites are dead.

Anne Ravenwind is safe again for now.

Beacon David Dubois is not following Toran in his actions, regardless of what he claims.

Isabelle Stridewith needs to stay away from my father.

Chaynce wants me to live with him someday.

I should not try to fight eight giants on my own.

I still sound like a woman apparently when Chaynce is involved.


I have a lot of work to do still.

[Alatriel]

They killed her.

Somehow they got a confession out of her, and they executed her.

No defense.  

And HE told them not to tell me.  Not until it was over.

His heart and his actions will be laid bare before Toran.

There are not separate rules for separate factions within our church.  There is one Toran, one set of laws, one set of rules.  We are not all subject to create our own given our own desires.  If that were the case, we would all fall into destruction and chaos.

Toran give me the strength to do Your will.  And no one else's.

[Alatriel]

I followed him to Vehl, after learning the atrocities he had committed in the name of Toran.  Regardless of what the church would say, those acts cannot be permitted inside our ranks.  We fought.  Finally, after many threats from him about having me exiled from the church for doing what was right, I shackled Dubois to bring him back to be dealt with by our own.  

And there she was, Anne Ravenwind.  Not dead, but alive.... and emanating the evil she used to fight against.  My mentor, apparently lost against that  which she worked her whole life to destroy.  She ordered her servants to detain me, and kill Dubois.  I fought against them, but after my fight with Dubois before, we were both weakened.  He was killed, I was left for dead.  She didn't kill me.  She could have.  She probably should have, because now, I will have to kill her.

When I got back to Ft. Llast, I found Isabelle, badly wounded.  She'd been tortured by Anne.  She'll live, but the things that she's seen, I don't know if she will return to service or not.  Only time will tell.


That night I had a dream... Toran came to me.  It was as if things were clearer and yet, not clear at all anymore.  Nothing is cut and dry, no black and white, only different shades of gray.  I saw what that belief did to Anne, and David.  But even knowing that, I know that in some ways, they were right.  Some sacrifices will and must be made for the greater good.  Will I be willing to make those sacrifices?  For the greater good, yes.  But I pray that Toran stay by me, and when the darkness starts to close in, that I still see the greater purpose, for His will, and no other.  I pledged myself to Toran's priesthood, and his highest calling.  If Toran sees fit for me to be Champion of his cause.  So be it.

[Alatriel]

I keep having nightmares.  Can it be that an initiate Champion of Toran was trained by someone now serving the will of Corath?  Will I eventually fall the same as my mentor?  She always walked a fine line.  Why am I so different?  Is it simply that her line was between good and evil, and I simply see that the good must be accomplished, preferably by the code, but by the will of Toran no matter what?  They both told me that I didn't understand.  David kept trying to convince me that I'm simply a spoiled child who knows nothing of the real world, of the hard decisions.  He mocked me saying that I resided in an ivory tower and that I thought I was so high above everyone with my morals and values.  But without our morals and values how are we any different from the Corathites?  They are what define us, what set us apart, what keep us in the Light instead of dwelling in Darkness.  They told me I have to get my hands dirty.  I understand that, I'm more than willing to do that.  But where is the line drawn between getting a bit dirty, and rolling in filth?  I did so much to try to bring Anne back to us.  To save her, to save my father... My father is alive, but Anne might as well be dead.  There is a fine line to walk, there will be lives lost to serve the greater good, and not all will be able to be saved.  But the faces of those that I fail will haunt me.  I see them in my sleep.  Even the woman that was sacrificed and then resurrected... all the faceless and nameless people that I know Anne has tortured or killed, the old man tortured by Dubois and his students... Those atrocities committed either falsely in the name of Toran or in the name of Corath, or in no name at all.  

I let Chaynce stay with me.  Having him near seems to keep some of the nightmares at bay to the point where at least I feel more rested, more at ease when he is near me.  He respects my privacy, my modesty, and my needs, and perhaps one day he will let me know exactly what it is he needs or wants from me.  In the meantime, it is good to have someone near that allows me to let my guard down.  And in the night when the darkness comes creeping in, I feel that perhaps Toran has sent him to me.  And in time, perhaps he will decide to take up where his father left off, and realize that speaking aloud devotion to a god is not a weakness, but a strength, and a powerful ally in times of crisis.  

I only wish that Anne had never forgotten that.  Perhaps one day I'll be able to remind her.  Perhaps then her face will no longer be among those haunting my dreams.

[Alatriel]

I umm.....

I asked Chaynce to marry me.

I think he said yes?

[Alatriel]

My baby brother is stationed in Ft. Llast!  They've made him a priest.  I'm so proud of him!  But while I'm thrilled to see him, I'm worried for him, and it seems all I can do now is prepare him for the battles to come in the upcoming war.  I would've liked to see Samuel as well, but I'm sure they've assigned him somewhere.  It will be good to finally get to know him a bit better.  For most of his life I've only seen him in between trainings, and then on the scant visits I was able to make home in my brief periods of spare time, or while travelling to the Citadel.  Apparently there is a lot I don't know about him.  What a surprise though!  I'm used to trading letters with him, but, when he said there would be a surprise, I wasn't expecting him in person.  It will be good to have him at my side.  My brother, and my ally, and hopefully, my friend.

[Alatriel]

I saw Chaynce's mother again while I was briefly at home in Leringard... she doesn't seem to be quite right in her mind.  She wasn't making any sense when she spoke, and she didn't seem to finish any of her sentences.  Then, before I headed to bed, she warded me as if I was going into battle.  She mentioned something about Toranites being incapable of loving...  I don't think that is true...  maybe too busy?

Anyways, I told Chaynce to go see his mother.  Hopefully he'll listen.  Something is wrong with her, perhaps it can be fixed.  Either way, with everything else that's been going on, my time with him has been few and farther between, but I'm sure we'll meet in the middle somewhere.  He understands my duties.  I love him, but the evil that is out there won't wait for me to have a life on the side.  We'll get around to it eventually.  There are just more important tasks at hand at the moment with the coming war and everything else... trying to help with my brother's training...  everything.  

Still no word from Samuel.  Hopefully I'll hear from him soon.  

Oh... and something strange happened... Tyra did something that I would actually expect from her... she threw a stardust of the vile Shadon on me without my permission.  And then she lied about it.  She told me it was Beryl, like that is a whole lot better... I warned her never to do something like that ever again, that her actions were an insult to me, as a slap in the face.  She then came clean that it was of Shadon, and I warned her... very sternly in fact... that if she ever did such a thing again, our alliance would be finished.  And... it actually seemed to get through her head.  I'm quite shocked to tell the truth.  Hopefully she'll understand that things have meaning.  And to me, it is not simply a bag of dust.  It is a piece of whatever god's constellation that it fell from, which is of very significant importance to me.  

I saw her later in the inn after I'd finished some cooking and she seemed a bit distressed, so I offered her some of what I made and explained it to her a bit.  Perhaps if she can leave some of her own foolishness aside she might actually grow up some day.  As of yet though, I will have to see if she can manage to learn something.  You have to learn to take orders before you can learn to give them.  That is a lesson she has not been able to trully follow yet.  But perhaps... just perhaps... there may be a light at the end of the tunnel for this one.

[Alatriel]

I recieved word last week that Samuel would also be answering the order from Ortheus, and then before I know it... both of my brothers are now here.

It's good to have them here, and I know that they will only make us stronger in the coming war.  

It's strange sometimes looking at my not-so-baby brother these days and hearing the things that he says.  He said something to me last week that has stuck with me.

I may simply be paraphrasing, but he said that those that are called, or those who simply go along have the choice to turn back.  But those that are Chosen, there is no choice for them.

I wonder if he knows how right he is.

[Alatriel]

I feel myself every day being pulled deeper into Toran's service.  With the coming war, I have been seeing to the training of some of our new paladins that have answered the call and have come to Ft. Llast to defend Mistone against whatever may befall us.  I hear in my voice sometimes the words that were used towards me in my own training.  "Keep your shield up Daniella"  "Your sword is an extension of you, and therefore an extension of Toran himself"  "Always feel the presence of Toran Daniellla"  "Keep your senses open, Daniella, so that you will know what evil surrounds you"  Except now it is me saying these things to others.  

In the loss of my own mentor I find myself relying more and more on Toran alone as my mentor and guide.  Which is as it should be.  And yet, I still worry for her.  Never in my wildest nightmares had I thought that one who I'd looked up to so much would end up my enemy.

And now as I step into the role that used to be hers... I strive to know what weakness caused her to turn against the Light of the All Watching, so that I may never make that mistake myself.

[Alatriel]

I told Samuel of my vows.  It sounded so strange as I explained to him.  Mostly because I do not feel myself different for having made further vows to Toran to serve Him and His Will above all else.  To Champion His cause... it is simply the next step on the path that I set out on years ago.  I just didn't know it when I took that first step.  I'm not sure how to gauge my brother's response.  Ava was there as well.  She didn't say much.  Samuel scolded me for not telling our parents.  But how does one even begin to approach the subject?  "Mother, Father, I saw Toran himself as he appeared to me in a dream.  I have been called to answer to Him only, and fulfill the duties that He chooses for me..."  It's not exactly light conversation, not even in our family.  I see the Light of Toran clearly, and yet because I can see Him and His cause as such, I can see clearer still the darkness that surrounds us.

Samuel's recent actions towards me, his protectiveness, I had to address.  I even asked Jacob for his support in reminding Samuel that his duty is first as Toran's paladin, as brother second.  Jacob then reminded me that overprotectiveness must run in our family, hence why we have so many that enter the service of the Great Leader.  When I mentioned this to Samuel, he simply stated that if I should fall, who would take my place?  I told him that if I should fall, it will be his duty to continue on where I left off.  He said that when that time comes he will take that responsibility, but until then he wished to delay it by keeping me standing.  He still has a lot to learn, but I will help him get there.

He asked me where Anne was when I made my vows to Toran.  I didn't have the heart to tell him where she is now and what she is doing.  I simply reminded him of her execution.  He said he'd heard rumors, but none had been confirmed for him until then.  I told him that the one responsible for her death had been dealt with, but that I didn't want to speak about it anymore.  He seemed to accept that.  One day I'll tell him what happened to Anne.  Perhaps if I feel he is ready I'll let him come with me when I go after her.  Until then, it is best that he believes she is dead, and that she was no longer stone bound when she was killed.  He needs to focus his energies on the coming war more than the nightmares of an older sister.

We have a clear and present threat to take care of at the moment.  The other evils of this world will simply have to wait to be dealt with at this time.  They can step in line.  They will be taken care of.

[Alatriel]

I've been tested before... many times... but never was that test something that was fabricated.  I'm not exactly sure how I feel about the test that Marl set up for us.  As it was, we failed in some ways, and in others, I feel that we did what we felt was best, and therefore we succeeded.  Quite honestly I think Marl felt the same way... perhaps I'll have to talk to him about it sometime.

My only fear is that, even though Marl told us all that there are no more tests, everything from now on is real... that there will always be that nagging feeling for the others that perhaps it actually is simply just a test.  As it is right now, I still want to go and destroy the undead, even long after I've learned that it was not real.  Those feelings that stir within me are so powerful.  As it was then, the only reason I did not charge ahead to destroy it on sight was because I knew that I had to protect the rest of them.  My job at current is to strengthen their skills in battle.  They've done well against the undead we've fought.  But how would they fare against Sharyn?  They're not ready for that yet.  We'll keep training.  

And I'll keep patrolling on my own as well.  

I spoke with both Ava and Jacob about their little romance.  I can see it in the way they act towards each other... I know that look.  But those feelings can be distracting to the point of putting the other's life in danger.  They need to learn to push those feelings aside in battle.  Having that sort of feeling towards another person... especially when dealing with some of the great evils that I have faced, and they will undoubtably face as well.  It simply gives the enemy something else to work against us.  I worry already that my feelings towards my own brothers could be a detriment to my own tactics, while trying to keep them safe.  Too many times lately have I seen Samuel or Jacob in grave peril and had to rush to their aid, myself getting wounded in the process... but their lives were spared.  But I'm not worried so much about my own wounds... moreso, would I be distracted from something else of more importance to Toran, in order to save my brothers?  Or would I let them fall for the greater good?  I know in my heart the answer, but that doesn't make it easier.  Would they understand if they knew that the cause of Toran is first, even above them?  Are they willing to make that same sacrifice?  These are the things I wish that Jacob and Ava would realize before they started a relationship.  They are so young... sometimes these feelings pass.  Sometimes they are simply not meant to be.  Ilsare's bow aims first at the young.  Their hearts are not guarded as much.  There is a reason Toran dislikes Ilsare.  I don't blame Him in the least for His feelings.  I know He is right.

[Alatriel]

Toran, once again I ask for your help and guidance.

I thought that you had sent Chaynce to me.  Someone to care for me here in the world while I do your work.  Maybe I was wrong.  Is this my test?  To choose you or him?  You have never left me.  Even as much as my heart aches right now... There is no choice for me.  You chose me, and I will forever choose You.

I thought perhaps I could have both.  I guess I was wrong.  I don't know if he'd forgive me for calling him a spoiled child anyways.  

Maybe it would actually be easier if You did sit down and have tea with him... but the thought is so silly and childish... and selfish.  

Perhaps I'm weak... but even still, I know that I will always love him.

Toran, please lend me Your strength so that I may shield my heart.  I know that in the battles to come I will need that more than ever.

[Alatriel]

I guess it's been a long time since I've written in here... not a whole lot of time I suppose.  And after what happened at the prison... well...  My heart still aches.  None of them could be raised.  They were all lost to us.  I only hope that their souls... I don't know what happened to them.

I keep trying to find answers, and I keep getting no response.  I'll continue to press the Shining Hand for information until I receive word back, but it's kept me occupied.  I've felt my strength growing, as Toran has continued to fortify me against my enemies... but am I hurting the ones I love as I am pulled more and more along my path in my Calling?  

Chaynce found me on one of my normal stops when I am on Mistone, clearing out some of the undead in Krandor.  It's been a while since I've seen him... not since...  well, everything went well and even though he looked fairly bad off at one point, he and I both made it out safely thanks to Toran's protection and blessings.  At least Chaynce has learned strategic retreats now when he's hurt.

Though... perhaps he is starting to think he needs to strategically withdraw from me completely?  We tried to patch things up a bit.  I told him we could take things one day at a time... But the look in his eyes tonight as we parted...  I never meant to cause him that much pain.  My heart aches just in the memory of that look.  

He's right though.  He's never asked for anything.  I asked him something years ago.  He said yes.  And now I cannot even follow through on that.  I know that if he chose to leave me it would be completely right for him to do so.  It's not fair to him, he didn't know what he was agreeing to.  I know that I have always been up front with him about everything, Toran, my duty, my path, my life.  I've never lied to him.  I would never...  and yet, I don't think he believes me when I tell him that I do love him.  I do love him.  More than any man I have ever known... and yet, I still cannot compare that love to the love of Toran.  If Chaynce were to leave me, it would hurt me more than I care to know.  My heart breaks to think that he should... for his own good.  I don't want to live without him, without knowing that he is there, someone who cares about me, here, in this world, to fight beside me sword and shield and blood and sweat, and someone to care for, to love in return.

And yet, if he were to leave... I would survive.  If Toran were to leave me... I don't think I could.  And if I could... I wouldn't want to.

[Alatriel]

It's been weeks now.  Aeronn is gone.  My heart still hurts for his loss and the empty space that his death has created.  Aside from Toran, Aeronn was my best friend, and my first mortal love.  His loss left me feeling raw, and searching for the comfort that I needed.  I found the solace and peace and reflection in Toran, in His temple.  And I found the arms to hold and comfort me in Chaynce.  I recieved a delivery at the house that I recently bought for my family.  It was a letter from Aeronn along with a potted plant of yellow and blue roses.  I've placed it beside a window in my bedroom.  I'll do what I can to keep it alive as long as possible.  You will be greatly missed in the world, Aeronn.  You were one of the best of men, and the world has suffered for the loss of your heart in it.

The house that I bought is nearer to Ft. Llast than the Tyrian's Inn in Leringard, so our commute for services is not so long, and shortened even more with Victory.  There are many changes that will need to be made to the house and I hope to see the renovations finished relatively soon.  Jacob has proposed to Ava, and while I worry that they are too smitten with each other to still perform all their duties, I know that Toran is with both of them, and I will not stand in their way.  Perhaps through them, the Stormhaven line and traditions will be carried down, and at least they will both be able to instill the beliefs and values of the faith along with the traditions of our homeland in their children to be passed down generations.  I do not see myself ever having children, nor do I care to, so I am happy to give that task to someone else.  My path is that of the sword, and it is no place to raise a child.

Chaynce has agreed to live with me at the house, that Jacob has apparently dubbed "Stormhaven Manor".  To me it is just a house, whether you name it or not, it is a place for shelter.  I hope that we someday will see it as an actual home, but I know how much time I spend abroad.  I hope that Chaynce realizes now that he has a home, at least with me, and perhaps someday he'll realize he could have a home with Toran as well if he ever stopped being so blasted stubborn and give in to what I know is already in his heart.  But I do love that man.  In spite of everything that we've been through, I love him, and I do want him to be happy.  At least I don't want to hurt him anymore.

I've also recently met and gotten to know a tiny bit better, Miss Sasha Tomyris, a follower of Rofirein, and a force to be reckoned with on the battlefield.  It is good to see another woman of strength and faith, and while our gods are not perfectly aligned, she is a valued companion on the front of battle and I look forward to knowing her better.  She seems to be in a strange sort of relationship with my friend Razeriem, and while I don't understand why a woman would wish to be intimate with a man only just over half her size, I am glad that Razeriem seems happy for the time being.  I know he still longs for Anne, but I hope in time he'll grow past that longing.  It would be safer for him.  The task ahead in dealing with my former mentor will be dangerous to heart and soul along with body and mind, and I would wish that on no one, but I know that it is mine.

[Alatriel]

Chaynce and I have been together in one form or fashion for... how many years now?  At least eight, maybe ten?  Time has gone by so fast...  How is it that I didn't realize he was in the state that he was in?  That he could hide it from me so well...  Now that he's living with me it all is so much more apparent.  I have never needed much, have never had an abundance of things, or of wealth.  And yet, everything I have needed has been provided for me in one form or fashion.  My clothes are mended, I have food.  I have a roof over my head, and even before now, I always had the temple to turn to.  In his stubbornness and refusal to accept Toran... is that the only reason Chaynce has not had these things as well?  Someone told me long ago, that by choosing to be with me, to love me, and to fight by my side, he was choosing in that moment to be with the All Watching.  To love Him, and to fight by His side.  I'm still not certain if Chaynce believes that or not, but perhaps in time.  He is getting older as am I.  Everyone has to grow up at some point in their life.  

I saw the state of his things though, and decided to buy him some new clothes.  I'm sure he probably will refuse to wear them on pricincple because he didn't buy them himself, or because of some other reason, but honestly, if he is going to walk around with holes in his clothes, someone needs to at least put him in something else so that those old rags can be mended.  Clothing is just that.  clothing.  If it no longer clothes you, it is not worth keeping anymore.  I must say that I think I spent more on shopping for him than I have ever spent on myself.  But somehow I don't think that Chaynce would be willing to throw on a simple robe.  He isn't me.  I don't want him to be me, honestly.  I would like to see him happy and comfortable though.

Lance came by the other day and we were able to sit and talk together.  Something we haven't done in a very long time.  We see each other, we fight alongside each other.  But I can't even remember the last time the two of us had a quiet conversation... and one that didn't end in argument.  

I feel that I am alone quite often, though.  It seems that Toran is my only constant companion, and when I talk to Him, I never feel lonely.  Even though my conversations may seem one sided, I feel He listens, and I feel the answers in my heart.  "The path of a Champion is lonely" someone said.   Perhaps it is.  But it's not as lonely as long as I remember I am never truly alone.

[Alatriel]

I think I may have dislocated my left shoulder a few too many times.  It heals alright each time, but perhaps I've fought too many giants and kept them at bay with my shield.  It gets sore faster and I've had to ask the temple a few times for a sort of balm they have that seems to seep through to take away the ache at the end of the day.  It's helping.  It does pop a bit when I rotate it, but the strength is still there.  I think I'll start working on a different way of holding my shield perhaps.  I've been using it more in an offensive manner lately anyways.  I found out that if I use it as an offensive tactic, I can actually knock my enemies down, and, in that manner perhaps I'm helping the shoulder there too, since they are less likely to be striking at me at that time.  I'll keep working on the technique until I feel it is perfected, but I do worry that perhaps this is an injury that will just keep coming back.  I don't think a lighter shield will help, that would only increase the possibility of a more devastating blow coming through.  I'm sure it will be fine though.  I don't think Toran is through with me yet.  I hope not anyways.  And if He still has plans for me, I'm positive the shoulder will hold until my work is done.  

However, I think I will ask one of the healers at the temple, or even Jacob to take a look at it and see if there is anything they can do.  They are more skilled at those things than I am.