Mai 21, 1395
Once again I write my thoughts, something I dont do often as before I've never been in the mood to do so. Theres been so much I've forgotten, habits died when one could say my very person died. Whenever I felt hurt or was just in a but of a flux, I always found books to be a refuge. Only now after all that pain do I seek that refuge again. I've now located myself in the great Library for recently I realized something and now find myself in need to confront it the best way I know how.
I should have noticed it the moment I was free, the signs were obvious. What was it he said again? erratic? Of course I saw a cat run by and I'm already wanting to play with it, my attention span, everything, has changed hugely. All those years without a feeling and my meditations to control my anger, it all made me less and less of who I am, what I am, an elf. As nessesary as it was, it also held a price, like everything in this forsaken world. I began to forget what it was like to feel and now that I'm free again things once again get complicated. For now, do I notice that I'm like a 40 year old child trapped in an ageless body fueled with intelligence and wisdom from my life and experiences.
I beleive because of my studies, I am an enchantress over all, I deliberately refused this lack of control I now have. To think that I did not learn enough of my art to be prepared for this is truely discerning, but I hold faith. What better to test my art, my power. I beleive I know of something that can help with this as well.
Before if a man told me he loved me after one day of meeting me I would hit him hard and call him an idiot among many other things. Normally that is the reaction one would see, but this time things were definately different, my heart was stricken and I succumbed to him, fortunately my mind was still in tact enough to overcome my heart, which has now brought me to the library now, or perhaps it is also my heart that brings me here.
Theres nothing more I wish to speak I must go back to my studies. There are things I wish to learn.
Mai 22, 1395
I search and I search but I cant find a thing about the amulet, it appears this trinket might be older then even the great lore within this library. All I could find are clues that might speak of this very amulet I hold. I found a picture of it somewhere, but these books are so old that it was torn off and alone without any binding to hold it, I will continue searching though.
Eventually I grew weary and decided to read my journal entry from yestereve. It reminded me of the much work I need to get done, specifically of the help I can get to increase my art and thus control. I hope the help can do more then just that though. I remember origionally I was going to have its help with another matter, before the curse was broken. I think now I will help Kobal, my other alliance will do nothing for me, they are not like I, then again, one man out of all that defied and hated me for my affliction, one man understood and helped me where most would not. To betray him would pain me so, if I'm to leave, I must ask him to join me.
First though, I must take care of that matter, the matter of utmost importance, for it could be a matter of life and death for me. I remember long ago, I found my life unimportant, and would have gladly died as long as it would mean my freedom, though I knew I could not even free myself through death. Now, though; I refuse to think this torture is all thats here for me. If it is, I shall gladly take leave of this world and never return. I've had much thought on this, Lucinda herself helped me, perhaps through her I can find what is needed of me. Can I trust her though. I held trust in a being of that kind of power before, even far less, and payed for it. She is a god, what use does she have for me?
Mai 27, 1395
Two days have gone by and still no luck on finding anything of the amulet. It makes me grow weary. On the bright side, I feel I'm gaining control, I've also found books of my art, basic things I've forgotten. To think this curse would have held such a huge toll on me, even gone it still affects me. Then again, after awhile through the curse and my training I started taking up schools other then my natural art, Divination and Abjuration come to mind expecially as I found those two most useful in my goals against the demon. As much as I'd like to continue my studies with those schools I also cannot stear away from who I am, I must refocus my enchanting.
Lucinda crossed my mind alot through those days as well, the gifts she granted me were truely what I needed to keep my sanity through the last year of this curse. I must say if it weren't for her I do not know what would have come of me. Still to think she would do this to me out of the goodness of her heart is hard to beleive. I know there is a price, something she wishes in return but what could it be? I need to speak with Allurial, and perhaps another I learned of. Through them I will have my answers and for her help I will return the favor, but should I devote my life to her? The question still lays in my mind. Perhaps time will tell.
Perhaps, though; she knows of my true ambition, before the demon, my quest for vengeance, since I practically came to this world. It is said that what I seek is a true relic of her power, of her faith, and can grant its posessor such a vast knowledge of magic and the weave that would even rival that of the grandmasters of eight. Perhaps what she wishes of me involves this goal, this relic I seek. But, as I said earlier, only time will tell.
Mai 30, 1395
I've givin up on finding information on the amulet in this library, perhaps there are things I'm not meant to know, not yet anyways. I have no idea why I spent so much time trying to find out about it, the amulet never really concerned me. Perhaps it was just the convinience of time and place.
I've come to think of Duragen though, my homeland before Layonara. If it wasn't for Lucinda I might have forgotten about it completely. There are some things I wish I could have forgotten though. When I first visitted this world I thought I could start anew, noone knew me and my being here had to be of importance. Like many others I had a dream of a great golden dragon seeking my help, he appeared to me right after I entered the rift with my master on our vessel. Later I woke up in Hlint, still rather hurt and unknowing of these lands or where I was. I still dont know if this was what my master wanted to show me, he was nowhere to be seen when I awoke, nor any of the crew on our ship, infact the ship itself was missing.
My master was an elf who knew and loved my mother dearly, one of the few with this very description who truely accepted me. Its saddens me to speak so, I never meant to kill her, but it was out of my hands. A child was born and thus a life was taken, many blamed me and said the sacrifice for my life was in vain. My father loved me though; and later sacrificed his honor to save my life. So many sacrifices... for me...
I've already said to much...
Junar 15, 1395
Once again delays in my journal writting, not suprizing really, but I needed the time for my training and control and I must say progress is looking up. Still I find I'm extreemely emotional, atleast more then ussual, well more then a ussual person, not hard to be more then what I was. Time will be the greatest healer I beleive though, as long as I keep to my studies I shall have no problem. As I look further and further though, and start to control myself I begin to realize the betrayals and harm that has been done. I hold no sympathy for those who call themselves heroes, where were they when I was in need, yet so willing to help those of evil nature. I will hold no evil intent towards them though, not unless it is nessisary, for that is not who I am, not anymore.
I know what I need to do though, what I need to figure out. Concerning Lucinda, the Black Wizards, but there is more as well. I saw a demoness through a vision, when I was told I had eyes watching me it was not Xandrials eyes I saw but hers. I need to find out who she is, and why she is interested in me.
I've written to much here, when I finally leave the library, I shall burn these pages...
