Journal of Alatriel

[Alatriel]

I met an elf.  His name is Aerimor.  We traveled around a bit.  He doesn't talk much, but I much prefer that anyway.  Later on we met his brother Verideth.  I didn't know that when I met the first one I'd be in for twins.  It can definitely be confusing.  Their personalities are very different, but I have a very hard time telling them apart most times.  They both seem to be fairly competent, and they seem to appreciate my skills as an archer.  I wouldn't mind going adventuring with them again sometime.

We did run into some trouble at one point that ended up fortunate, but confusing.  Aerimor died, and I was being chased, I think Verideth was also close to death, and then out of nowhere a half-orc came and pretty much saved both of us...  WHY?  It seemed so out of character for a half-orc to help anyone, let alone a couple of elves.  I thanked him, but I wasn't sure if he maybe saved us from one evil only for us to be exposed to another, so I ran off to see if Verideth was ok.  He seemed to be fine, and soon Aerimor was back with us again.

Druids certainly are different.  It seems either they have animals with them or they ARE animals.  I think if I am going to spend any real time with these two, I'll have to learn to speak animal.  I'm not too worried about it at this time, but it is definitely something to look into.  

Oh yeah, and I still don't understand why some humans are just plain rude and pompous and have the NERVE to think they are better than elves.  When I see another of my race who is willing to stand by a human who has the gaul to call one of my elven companions unintelligent I don't know...  I mean, my adopted father was only half-elf, but even he cursed his human heritage and the father that abandoned him and his mother.  Oh well...it doesn't really matter in the long run.

[Alatriel]

I seem to have found a very decent companion, and possibly a friend in Aerimor.  I enjoy his company, and we seem to be able to watch each other's backs well as we travel around.  I never thought it would happen, but I've even started picking cotton, even if it is simply to expedite his constant picking of various different plants.  I swear Druids are strange... even though he tells me it's not a druid thing.  Even still, his companionship has been rewarding and even comforting.  I no longer have to travel alone after so many years of solitude it is nice to have company.  His brother isn't bad either, and is also an easy companion, however, I have learned that it's not generally in our best interest to follow him into any caves whatsoever.  If we do, someone is sure to fall- generally him, but this last time I was at least fortunate enough to have Aerimor save my life before it was too late.  My skills as an archer are improving, but even more I am finding out more and more that my ability to slink behind our enemies is becoming very beneficial to us all.  Unfortunately even if they do not notice me at first, I have a difficult time hiding from them once our party is engaged in combat.  I still find that I am able to be more effective once one of the boys or their, I guess pets?, draws their attention away, but I wish there was a way for me to be able to regain the concealment and protection of the shadows once the battles have started without having to leave my party without my aid.  I know almost nothing at all of magick, but I wonder if there is a way to become trully invisible, or maybe something close to it...  Maybe someone has a magick ring, or cloak, or something else that would do that...

Aerimor also was generous enough to provide me with a much better bow.  He said it was an investment to our group, but I do appreciate his thoughtfulness.  It has a stronger pull, and is made from a more durable and sturdier wood than my previous one, so I have high hopes for its use.

We had the aid of another traveller, I think named Caerwyn.  He spoke the elvish tongue, and paid us great respect in doing so.  He was a competent fighter, and his help was appreciated, though I do not believe that he will be constant addition to our group, more just an acquaintance that is beneficial.  He had a human with him that was rude to our party as a whole, but apparently he seems to like me more than I liked him.  He spoke the language of the theives, but he seems to have a problem with elves.  I think he paid me a complement when he said I was unlike other elves.  I don't know what he meant by it, but if he meant that I was like him, it was more of an insult.  Even still, he showed up later and healed me when I was in need, so apparently his first impression of me was better than my first impression of him.  Again, he showed distain and dislike of my race, though, so he will not be someone I will be seeking companionship from, regardless of his healing abilities.

[Alatriel]

The next time we go adventuring it is my turn to decide where we go.  I swear, males are stubborn and crazy.  They are determined to get us killed, and this time, it was me... only me, but at least no permanent damage was done. Once again, the incident could have been avoided if there had been some way for me to disappear.  It's just hard to stay hidden past the first shot, and I feel like there is no way to recover my concealment unless my foe is distracted.  With all that has been going on lately, I wasn't able to ask around about some form of magic item to help me in this goal, but perhaps tomorrow will provide some more opportunity.

I don't think they believed me when I said I would not go back into a cave for a month if I fell, well, they went back in, and seemed shocked when I chose to wait outside.  Oh well.  I wouldn't mind exploring the mountains where the giants were again.  It was interesting and we didn't get very far into it before Verideth decided he needed to turn around due to a heavy load in his pack, but I would like to venture that way again.  

We did have some help when we went into the caves this time.  At first there was a priestess, and then when I returned after my death to pray at my grave, there was a fighter there... or was she a mage?  Maybe both?  Either way, she was very helpful to our small band, and her aid was well appreciated.  Even if the crazy Lightbringer twins decided to go back on their own again.  Luckily no one seemed to be gravely hurt when they came back out.  

I continue my close companionship with Aerimor, which I had thought up to this point was strictly platonic.  I still think it probably is, though he offered me a rose, but no explanation as to why.  I don't know how I feel about the possibility of something more with him.  I've been traveling with him for some time now, but his actions up till now had never shown much more than a friendly consideration, though he is very protective.  I always thought it seemed more older-brotherly than anything else.  He is different from anyone I've ever known before, and his demeanor seems to change as often as the weather.  I wonder sometimes if he has picked the correct calling, but then I've not met many druids.  His brother Verideth, also being a druid, well, if you met the two of them together, you wouldn't know what a druid was in my opinion.

[Alatriel]

I've spent more time with Caerwyn as of late.  He is a half elf ranger, and reminds me so much of Camthalion, my father.  His presence is comforting, even if it does seem to have a negative effect on my grace whilst climbing.  Even still, it is a worthwhile trade.  He and a friend of his, and elf named Fianon Brittlebow, brought me up to see the gnoll watchtower, and the view is trully spectacular.  We went again last night while I was travelling with Aerimor, but I was able to sit and talk with Caerwyn for a while.  I would like to find out more about him, as he is still mostly a stranger to me.  He makes me homesick for my father, but it is a bittersweet pain.  

We decided to go back into the Redlight Caverns after we caught back up with Verideth.  Yes, I went back into a cave with Verideth.  I gave both Aerimor and Verideth a clover I found and told them it was for luck when going underground.  Aerimor had laughed when I presented it to him and told me that it "must be strong magic indeed if it could save him from Verideth."  Verideth only smiled when I gave it to him.  It may have only been a small trinket, but it seems to have worked, as we were lucky enough to have Caerwyn and Finanon with us when we went back in, and no one was seriously injured while Verideth was able to do his chiseling of rocks.

We all then sat by a fire and chatted until we were to sleepy to speak anymore, and it trully was a wonderful gathering of companions.  

The best part about the day though would definitely be the new information I found.  I've been traveling around going to magic shops and even to Spellgard up near the mage school to see if I could find someone who would know of a magic ring or cloak to keep me hidden or even invisible or something during combat, but to no avail.  Then in casual conversation yesterday while Caerwyn, Fianon, and I were waiting on Aerimor, a man named Earl suggested something called Shadow Dancing?  I didn't know what he was talking about, but he said that he knew a man, who we determined his name to be Brian we think, who could hide even in the smallest shadows.  Fianon told me later that it was a skill that one could learn.  Now I just need to find this Brian.  I thought it would be something I would have to buy, some form of magic.  This seems even better!

[Alatriel]

I had another meeting with Caerwyn today.  We sat by the lake and talked for a long time.  He told me of his father, who he had searched for, but could not find.  Perhaps he will be able to find him again some day.  I felt compelled to tell him of my own past, which I have not told another soul since my foster father died.  I feel slightly vulnerable about revealing something so personal and I hope it won't come back to haunt me later, but there's just something about him that makes me feel I can trust him.

While we were sitting there, a human named Timulty Keel came up with a rather abnoxious and hard to understand gnome.  The gnome said he was in trouble but what trouble that was he would not say.  He wanted us to accompany him to Hlint, so since we had talked about going that direction anyway, we decided to comply.  As we headed into the Hallowlight forest, the gnome apparently didn't follow.  Aerimor decided to head on towards Hlint, since that was where we were headed anyway, and we waited and waited for the gnome, but he never showed.  Timulty went back to find him, but Caerwyn and I decided to continue on to Hlint and figured the other two would be right behind us.  Stupid gnomes.  We got to Hlint and Timulty still hadn't caught up to us, so the three of us headed back and found Timulty and the dead gnome in Ft Llast.  Timulty went in to the temple of Toran, and there, instead of helping the stupid gnome, the damned cleric just kept asking over and over and over what happened, even though he had been told multiple times.  Gods humans are stupid sometimes.  Of course Timulty hadn't gotten it through his human skull that the idiot was not willing to help, but Aerimor gave up, and I with him, and we decided to wait outside rather than having our patience tested as we were accused for leaving the damned gnome behind.  In my opinion it was the gnome's own stupid fault.  Apparently he had been attacked by some men in black robes and killed, and Timulty killed 2 out of three of them, but the other one was too powerful

We found that out later....

As we left Ft Llast on the way to castle Black...I can never remember the name of that castle... there was a man in a black robe standing in the road.  Timulty immediatly started to attack, which I was unprepared for, and then everything else was somewhat of a blur... the man in black started killing each one of my companions in turn, and turned on me, but I ran as fast as I could, bleeding heavily from my wounds, and entered the shelter of the castle.  Luckily I was not followed.  I rested as soon as I thought I was safe to regain some of my strength, but still had many wounds to tend to.  I knew the rest of my party was dead, but I wasn't sure if the man in the robe was still outside, possibly waiting for me to exit to finish the annihilation of our group.  What I did to him, I'll never know, but it doesn't matter now.

I climbed to the top of the castle to peer out and see if anyone had survived, or had regrouped, or whatever....  When I thought it was safe I ventured back out to regain my party.  Aerimor and Timulty had reclaimed their graves, but Caerwyn had yet to do so.  We all were confused at the events, but seeing as the threat had seemed to pass, we all ventured back to Hlint after Caerwyn stopped to pray at his grave.  We all parted ways there.  Aerimor and I were approached by Galathea something-or-other, and she asked us a bunch of questions about the man in the black robe, but we had no answers no matter how many times she tried to get them out of us.  Unfortunately, the events transpired so quickly that it was all we could do to remember any of it at all.  I was lucky to get out with my life.

[Alatriel]

I decided to ask Sil'via about this man, Brian, since she is part of this Angel's guild or whatever, and she seems to know everyone... She's constantly introducing me to new people.  She told me that he was a friend of her sister's, so hopefully we can arrange some way for me to meet him and see if this Shadowdancing thing is what I was looking for.  Tritherion... I think that's his name, said something about them being able to hide in plain sight.  Now wouldn't that be something!  I'm anxious to find out.  It may not be what I'm looking for.  What I'm looking for may not even be possible, but I'm certainly willing to find out.  

Apparently I chastised Caerwyn too much for dying 3 times in just a short time, and he was afraid I would be disappointed in him forever.  Perhaps I need to work on my teasing so that people know when I am joking.  After about 20 years or so... gods, has it been that long?... I guess I need to work on my people skills.  Either that or his human side has gotten him too self-conscious.  He's been acting strangely lately, and continuously using my name, or calling me sweet....which is odd, and it definitely does not remind me of my foster father, which is a shame.  He is such a good battle companion, and I hope he has not gotten the wrong idea.  I am not looking for romance.  I'm not sure what I would even look for if I was, but I just can't see myself with a half-elf.  As much as I loved my foster-father, and I have no problems with half-elves at all, I would not burden my own children with the curse of age, so that I would once again have to lose someone I loved to the slow, but still all-too-quick, degeneration of the flesh and mind.  He has the potential to be a good friend and worthy companion, but hopefully that is all it will ever amount to.

We managed to get a very good group together (Verideth was not present ironically) and ventured back into the Red Light Caverns.  This time no one was killed, no one was seriously damaged, and we were able to retrieve the head of the king so that I could present it to the short fellow in Wayfare.  He paid me a sizeable reward for it, though, so it was definitely worth the time.

Aerimor has been spending more and more time in the form of some sort of animal, usually a panther, but sometimes as a badger or a bear.  I've been teasing him by calling him kitty, but he doesn't seem to mind too much.  I must look like a druid myself sometimes with Aerimor as a panther or whatever, and Verideth as a bear, both running on either side of me.  Interesting thought that, but definitely not the calling for me.  Perhaps someday all people will see will be the bear and the panther, and I will be able to fool their eyes completely...

[Alatriel]

I've been spending more and more time in the Whitehorn Forest.  I love the peace and solitude of the trees, and I find the shadows and quiet there peaceful.  I am generally unnoticed as I explore, except for the occaisional gryphon.  Even still, it is a place where I feel more myself, away from the crowded and vile-smelling cities, and the loud and often extremely talkative populous.

[Alatriel]

I find myself growing weary of social engagements and conversations that say nothing and mean nothing.  I find myself being more and more drawn to the solitude of the shadows.   Other than Aerimor, who spends most of his time as some animal and usually does not talk with little importance, and Verideth, who varies between being quite pleasant, to an annoyance, to downright dangerous to himself and others, I have had to limit my interactions with the others around to specific tasks and business.  I do not understand nor care to follow these silly rules of their society that means that I must, in their eyes, stop whatever it is that I'm doing to say hello or goodbye to every passerby whether I know them or not.  Some of these others, including Caerwyn, insist on calling everyone "friend" when they do not even yet know the person's name or intentions.  I am not so frivolous with my friendships.  I'm just glad that I can slip away unnoticed most of the time nowadays.  I find that I can travel quite comfortably in the and by the lakes by myself, but I tend to have to slip as silently as possible through the cities or towns to avoid being drawn into an unwanted long conversation.   I seem to be getting decently good at it since people have been either not seeing me or even at times running into me as they pass by in their haste.

The alliances are useful when going down into the caves or fighting undead abominations, or other enemies or evil creatures, and even when looking for new weaponry or other such necessities.... but they are far to verbose for my liking.  I miss the silent understanding that I had with my father, where we didn't have to speak to know what the other needed or desired.  

Aerimor has started to teach me the language, and I must admit it will take me some time to sort out all the different squeaks and squawks and chitters and growls and clicks and whatnot in order to understand.  There are just so many different noises.  He is being patient, as I have also  started to teach him the sign language of theives.  I've had to explain to him that some signs look similar but could mean different things due to context and and environment, and even just the slightest difference of facial expression or direction, or hand positions.  He seems to be quite interested though, so at least it is a trade. He'll teach me some, and I'll teach him in return.

I still have not met anyone who has any new information on this shadow dancing thing, but Tritherion says that he is friends with Bumblebee the brownie, and that he'll take me to meet him.  Now i just have to find Tritherion again and set up the time to go.  Like I said before, sometimes alliances are useful.  Let's hope this one pans out.

[Alatriel]

I found Brian... or rather he found me.  I was filling up my canteens in Port Hempstead and he just appeared out of nowhere.  We were able to talk for a while, and he told me of what I would have to do to start down the path to become a shadowdancer.  He said that shadows can be living things, and that to become part of them or one with them I have to be willing to lock away the innermost part of myself, all my emotions, and to the rest of the world be as cold and impassive as stone.  I don't think I have a problem with trying to do this.  I don't have many constant companions except for Aerimor these days, and even with him, things have never been more than a casual friendship.  He tends to be as distant as I can be most of the time, so I don't think there will be a problem there. The fear and the hatred I am more than willing to part with.  Compassion, I will have to struggle with I feel, but I'm sure that in time, I will be able to acheive it.  I don't know how long the road is, but I have plenty of time ahead of me.  He spoke of being able to love, and then with that one person, I would be able to bring out my emotions and true self to show only that one person.  I'm not sure if I'll ever find one person like that, but I suppose I am open to the idea.  He said I would need to find one thing that would tie me to this world and would cause me to return from the shadows lest I lose myself to them forever... I will have to think on that.  I'm not sure what that one thing or person would be at this point.  

He said he would watch my progress even though I may not see him or hear him, but he said he would be discreet... hopefully he was truthful in this.  I will not be able to find him, but he said he will find me, or that I should leave word with friends again.  I am definitely interested in this shadowdancing.  Hopefully this human will prove a good teacher.

[Alatriel]

It's an interesting thing trying to force away all emotion... I'm not sure if it's because I am trying to push it aside, or I don't know... things are just strange.  I feel empty.  I suppose that's the idea, but I guess it'll just take time.  I know I still have these emotions, they're normal, but instead of my usual emotions, instead I have been feeling anger, annoyance, irritation, and sadness.  Apparently I've succeeded in locking away the good ones, now I just have to get rid of the rest of them.  

A dragon attacked Wayfare.  All the children were killed.  I felt as if my heart were ripped out, but was unable to do much about it.  The only thing I could allow myself to do was to help take a small girl to the nearest temple to be raised.  Oh... and to tell Aerimor to shut up when he was talking about using them as fertilizer.  Ok, so maybe I let my emotions get the better of me a little there...

The other two women with me were wiping their eyes and faces from tears, and I just felt empty.  Like I should've been feeling something more, but couldn't.  Or couldn't allow myself.  I'm not sure now.  A couple days later I found myself compelled to go back to wayfare and watch the children playing. They were just so full of life.  Quite the opposite of how I feel.  

My only peace now seems to be in meditation or, strangely enough, in battle.  It's almost as if when I'm in battle nothing else matters but survival, so I don't have to worry about any stupid kinds of inner struggles, just focus on the outer one.  

I don't think I have a tie to this world.  The call of the shadows seems even more peaceful and welcome than dealing with the callousness and pettiness of the beings in this one.

Brian showed up again while I was with Aerimor and Verideth, traveling into the mountains.  He acted his part of teacher, trying to coach me on how to fight, and displaying the impressive power of being able to disappear from sight and surprise the enemies.  Perhaps some day I will be able to do that.  Then again, he is only human, so it is possible I could surpass him some day.  Either way, I envy his ability, and am eager to learn.  The lonliness here couldn't possibly be worse in a shadow plane.

[Alatriel]

*a few tears stain the page and the handwriting, in elvish, is much less composed*

How in the world am I supposed to have closure on something that as far as anyone knows is a complete dead end?  I don't even know the last time I ever even saw another wild elf, and even if I did now that doesn't mean they would be in any way connected to my tribe.  Just having a few images left to me in my mind is nothing to go on.  And this stupid tatoo doesn't help much either.  For all I know it means absolutely nothing.  Just another damned dead end.  
I have no idea why they left me there, or if they are alive, or all dead, or if I am the only one left, or if there even is any semblance of a tribe left to look for.  
If I could've just grown up soon enough that I could've gotten Cam to tell me, or if he would've just TRUSTED me with the knowledge before he died.  This whole "past is past" thing is stupid.  I keep trying to tell myself that it's true over and over, and I hate having bad memories of him, but he left me with so many unanswered questions, and so much, I don't know....  
I hate the fact that I don't even know what my "family" name is.  For all I know I could have brothers or sisters out there, and I would never know it.  Hell, I don't even know if I ever had a family name.  Maybe my people don't do that.  And I don't know if my family named me, or if Cam did.  
GODS!  I am so angry now!  
How the hell am I supposed to "box this up" now?  I was doing a damned good job of keeping it in.  What the hell is wrong with me that I let some human get me to open up on things that I've been able to keep secret for so long?  
And this isn't even the first time!  
I made a huge mistake telling Caerwyn about my foster father simply because he was the same race and class as he was, and then he decided he would try to be my "protector" and now since I've shut him out he hardly speaks to me.  Apparently there was no loss there except my own foolishness in revealing something I shouldn't have.  
Is this a human trait?  
An innate ability to make me reveal things that I wouldn't otherwise?  
Or is it my own flaw that I have to fix?  
Either way, it's frustrating and infuriating.  
For days now I've been walking around in a sem-comfortable void, detached from those around me, and then after one night with Brian, I'm losing my own self control!  
What the hell is wrong with me?!  
Am I that desperate to find someone to tie me to this world that I'll unload on anyone that strikes a chord with me?  If so I fear I'll make a poor shadowdancer.  
I mean, three people in over 100 years I suppose isn't so bad, but 2 in just a matter of weeks... I'm losing my grip.  
At least I don't think Caerwyn will be an issue.  Whatever friendship or else he ever expected or wanted from me is done, thank the stars.  Now I just have to calm down this stabbing pain in my heart again and learn to forget again what should've been forgotten years ago.  

Closure.  Yeah, sure.  That's a lot easier said than done.  I'll bet he doesn't have some long lost parentage that he doesn't know about.  

I'm supposed to sit and meditate on inviting in the shadows, but I can't even think straight right now.  How the hell am I supposed to meditate?  I'm just glad I know of enough places to be alone so that no one else has to see me like this.  

Ha... watch, I'm probably being spied on right now... that would just figure

*the page gets wrinkled as she slams the book shut*

[Alatriel]

Ok, so I feel better today.  I spent a lot of time alone in meditation, and things feel a bit more in balance today.  I can feel the shadows all aroung me, and it's almost as if when I invite them to come to me, they call me to them as well.  They're still out of reach, but I think with more practice it might be a tangible goal.  

I know that I will have to find some way of resolving my issues with my family and with my past, but I still don't know where to start yet.  I may enlist Brian's help with this, but I'm not sure yet.  It may be a solitary quest for me.

[Alatriel]

I decided to go with a group to help a gnome.  I don't know why, I guess I was just bored.  Brian showed up, leaning on my shoulder.  I shrugged him off.  I don't want him to get the wrong idea, and I am definitely not his leaning post.  I don't mind being friendly with him, but a girl's got to have boundaries.  

So anyways, the stupid gnome apparently blew up his master's lab, burned a whole bunch of holes in the floor of the lab, and set some kind of weird experiment to life... sort of.  What it boils down to is, it was gross, it was messy, it was on fire- we killed it, put out the fire, and then people in the group figured how to blow up the big icky mess at the heart of it all.  Blowing up stuff is not my forte.

I finally met Brian's infamous "ex".  Jae- something or other.  She's pretty enough I guess, but man is she an attention .  Not only was she continuing to flirt with Brian, even though supposedly they are through, but also with Marcus, and it seemed to me, anyone else in the room with male equipment.  Funny thing is, Mr. "no emotion" was falling all over himself for her.  He told me that she was his "tie" to this world, but I think he made a poor choice.  It seemed to me that she doesn't really care about anyone except herself and made sure that she was the center of everyone's attention, especially Marcus's, the whole time.  I don't approve of people who go around kissing everyone all the time.  Especially when she apparently knows that Brian is obviously still hung up on her.  Who knows, maybe he'll get the picture.  Probably not.  Men are thick in the head about those things.  I warned him that he was showing too much, but apparently he wasn't thinking clearly.  All he wanted to do was argue.  Me, I had more important things to worry about- like whether I was going to get burned by nasty sticky acid globbies.

After it was all over, I went to the fire across from the goblin caves to meditate.  Who should show up, but the infamous ex!  Unfortunately, I haven't gotten the knack of keeping my concentration when anyone else is around.  She eyed me up and down and asked me if Brian and I were more than just a teacher student relationship.  Like I needed to give her anything!  I told her that for my part, it was strictly business, but I could not speak for him.  She "warned" me that he liked elven women.  Yeah... I knew that already.  Don't really care.  She was so vain then that she said that she probably turned him off of our race forever.  HAH!  She flatters herself too much.  It may even be true, but to say it aloud shows her true colors.  

She wanted me to tell her how our studies were going... um, none of her business.  She didn't seem thrilled that I told her that was between Brian and me... oh well, tough luck lady.  Best part was, she seemed uncomfortable with the fact that I was a woman, an elf, and his student, so apparently I have a certain amount of time with him.  I think I may have to play up on that at sometime if I'm feeling spiteful.  It might be interesting.  Maybe she'd get a taste of her own medicine and Brian could get on with his life.  Not that I really care if he does or not, but I feel that it interferes with not only my studies with him, but his own ability to contact and commune with shadows.  And that much I've gotten from just my little knowledge.  

I guess we'll see.  This could be fun.

[Alatriel]

Well, my so-called teacher has decided to vanish... more than in the usual sense.  He slipped a note into my pocket simply saying "I will be gone for some time."  If he does not come back soon, I will have to look for another teacher.  Luckily I still have 2 more names, though I hear that the elf that I would look for has not been seen or heard from in a long time.  Seen, well, that's to be expected.  The only other option I know of is Bumblebee, the Brownie, but if necessary I can probably get Tritherion to introduce me.  

In the meantime, I think I'm starting to find my balance point.  I feel that especially during battle I am able to push aside my emotions and feel the call of the shadows, whereas I am also finding it easier to let loose a bit more in social company, especially with Aerimor...though I have to admit, not so much with others on a regular basis.  I find my mood lightening a bit, and even though I still don't necessarily feel attached to him or any others really, the void that I was feeling no longer feels like a void with sadness or loneliness, but simply a necessary state of mind that is getting easier to reach.  

I'm not sure if I'm getting better at my meditations, or simply finding a better spot to meditate each time, but I feel the pull a bit stronger each time.  Now I'm just trying to use that same state of mind in combat... I think I've got a while to go still, but it's a work in progress.

Oh, and I probably should've kept the whole note from Brian to myself, but I have a feeling it's Jaelle's fault that he had to leave, so I figured she should know.  I would hope she feels guilty about it, but judging from her personality, I doubt she does.  The woman seems to think of nothing and no one but herself.  Aerimor was having a laugh at her expense, and luckily she never heard any of it.  He's nicknamed her "Jail" because he said that being with her is like spending an eternity graced... in prison.  I had to really be careful not to bust out laughing at that one.  Good for me no one seemed to notice... and good for him, no one seemed to hear the rest of his statement!

[Alatriel]

I met an intriguing new elf named Razeriem.  I'm not sure what to think of him.  He seems to live off of flattery, but then at times actually seems sincere.  Though he is not able to control his eyes anytime a female anything walks past.  He was an interesting companion though, and quite the contrast to Aerimor.

I also learned a valuable lesson, don't drink.  I let myself be pressured into a dance with Razeriem.  As I heard the compiments, I felt myself so uncomfortable with all the eyes on me.  I had to leave before I betrayed more than I wanted to.  Afterward I made a foolish decision to go back and after seeing Jaelle and Razeriem, probably both flirting with each other... Raz can't seem to help himelf, and apparently Jaelle can't either, regardless of the pain she inflicts on a certain other, I made another foolish decision to drink some of the brew from the tavern.  There is a reason I don't drink.  I don't know what I said or what was said to me, but I do remember somewhat stumbling back through the city and somehow made it to one of my normal resting places.  When I awoke, Razeriem was still there.  One of my first thoughts was to make sure that nothing untoward had happened... nothing had, and he assured me, though, he apparently thinks that I will be fawning all over him soon enough, of my own volition.  I'm not certain of that.  He is handsome, and at least this one is an elf... but I've seen the way he looks at every single female that passes, and almost always even flirts with them, so I doubt he has a sincere bone in his body where feelings are concerned.

Jaelle managed to get herself into trouble again, this time with... I don't actually know what that woman... thing... was... But she went all spastic and terrified and started casting magic all over apparently without the capability of control.  Brian showed up again, not surprising.  That human seems to have no will power where Jaelle is concerned, and no ability to keep his distance.  Some other person there was able to sort things out with Jaelle, but then she said she was feeling weak I guess.  Either way, she was unable to care for herself once again, and Brian ended up taking care of her.  I'm sure this will only perpetuate his cycle, and I cautioned him, but I doubt he sees or cares for my concern.  Whatever, she will probably be the death of him someday, and he will probably welcome it as if it were bliss.

Razeriem seems quite taken with Jaelle also... not surprising.  Aerimor seems to be the only one that I know of, male or female, besides myself who is not completely smitten with the woman.  Then again, for Razeriem, there doesn't seem to be a difference between her or any other woman.  I'll probably continue to help him with a few of his quests that he needs to complete, but after that I'm not sure.  He asks too many questions.  He pries.  And he is a little too perceptive in my opinion.  Is it that obvious that I have no siblings?  How could he have guessed that?  I need to work on hiding my feelings and expressions more.  Perhaps I need to spend more time in the shadows.  At least there I don't have to worry about prying eyes and probing questions.

[Alatriel]

I went to Voltrex.  I wonder if I have ever been there before.  Razeriem says there are still tribes of wildelves and woodelves there, but of course, where we were there weren't any.  We went inside the library.  So much information, and yet not what I was looking for.  I don't know what I was looking for.  Some clue, something to start on maybe...  I didn't find anything.  At least now I know I've been there.  The home of the elves.  I just wish I knew more about how I got to Mistone, and when, and what happened after that...  Until then I know I'll never be able to close off that part of myself.  It doesn't quite exist yet enough to do so.

[Alatriel]

They're all dead...

Brian asked me to go with him and a few others to deal with some bandits.  That wasn't too difficult, and we all made it out safe and sound.  Then we decided to go into the Sinister forest and we battled some spiders, snakes, treants... and then trolls.  The fight was seeming to go a bit sour; a troll mage was coming towards me, so I ran... and then I don't remember much until I found myself in Delanthar at the binding stone.

Brian came after some time, and apparently everyone else survived the battle with the trolls, but it was a close call for all of them.  We sat and talked while I recovered from my recent death, but we moved to a more secluded spot so as to avoid the prying eyes, and ears of others.

He told me his past.  I have no words for the atrocities he suffered while growing up.  That there are people out there that treat their children so and call it training, I know they exist, but I cannot and will not ever condone it.  

I don't know what I did to gain his trust, but I won't squander the gift.  I finally saw his face too.  He's not just a human.  There is definitely some elven blood in those veins.

I didn't expect to be able to trust him this much, but through some meditation, we were able to uncover some memories I didn't know existed anymore.  I saw my mother's face.  Her green eyes, her reddish brown hair... I heard her voice singing to me.  My father's laughter, his grin, the sun-hardened texture of his skin, and the shape of his face.  

And the brother I never knew I had... and do not think I will ever have the chance to meet.  I saw him go off to battle, and I saw the river running red with blood as my parents pulled me to the only safe place they could find.

I heard the screams and the sounds of battle in the distance, growing closer, even as we ran... and stumbled... as fast as we could.

They're all dead... they would have to be.  Brian assures me that there is a possibility.  I guess if I survived, there may be others.   But if Cam refused to speak of it, I just don't think there is much hope there.

Brian wants to try to uncover more memories another time.  Perhaps, but I'm not sure I can do that any time too soon, or I'll risk losing too much of my own composure.  

I've never let anyone see me cry since my foster-father died.  I'm not used to letting myself feel so vulnerable... so exposed.  I feel raw.  Like my insides have been torn to shreds and I'm attempting to put the pieces back and they don't quite fit the same way they used to.  He said he wouldn't tell anyone... I guess now we each have a secret of the other's, so I suppose it's a fair trade.  I try really hard not to show what most call a feminine weakness.  That's not how I was brought up, and I hate it when women appear weak.  It takes credibility away from our sex.  But at the same time, I just couldn't help myself... all those emotions... I wasn't ready for it.  I'm not sure I'll be ready for it next time either... but I suppose if I can unlock those memories from so long ago, maybe I'll be able to put the memories to rest.

[Alatriel]

Every time I close my eyes I keep seeing it over and over and over again.  The fear on their faces, the red river... I hear the screams...

I need to cleanse my mind of these thoughts, but the cure is eluding me at present.  As long as I stay awake or in the presence of others I can keep the memories at bay.  But my body does wear out and requires rest, and those quiet times are when they seem to pour out of the small crack that we made in the dam that had held them at bay for so long.

Maybe if I just keep my eyes open until I sort it out... and stay busy...

[Alatriel]

*the handwriting is very shaky, crooked, and spaced out*

I..........can't   do  this   much more...
 ........... battles help some
to keep......      going
.......I'm tired.    

.............it's showing




my head is spinning.....    all the....    time


I nneed  
 ......... help

[Alatriel]

I gave up.  I needed help so I went to the only person I thought could help me... Brian.  He offered me shelter and lent me an ear so that I could release the horror of my past enough to try to deal with it.  I finally was able to rest.  The images are still there, and I can't change what happened, but perhaps in time the memory will fade once again.

As far as Brian goes, though, I'm worried that things are taking an unexpected turn.  There seems to be an attraction there from both sides that no matter how hard I struggle against it, still remains.  We spent countless hours beside a lake in Alindor just talking... but something about the look in his eyes on a few occaisions made me nervous.  I know he has a weakness for elves, and even though I don't put a whole lot of stock in the words of Verideth Lightbringer, but he may have actually had a point when he said that teachers and students should not be of the opposite sex... things get complicated.  We have a lot in common, but I just don't know if I can let myself do this.  What if we did form a relationship?  We would have what, 30 years?  Maybe a few more due to his elven heritage?  Then what?  I'd have to watch someone else go on and leave me alone... no that would not do at all.

Now all I have to do is stop letting him charm me... and I should probably stop staying at his house...  No luck so far though... I can't seem to resist that smile... or the way his eyes seem to stare right through me...

Maybe it is time to use what I've learned so far and retreat to the shadows as best as I can... it's safer there...