Of Style and Flare

[Alatriel]

So Raz was making a statue of Arkolio.  I knew he'd been at it for a while but he came to see me and looked really down.  So I went with him to see the statue.  He was right... it wasn't anything fantastic, but he internalized the whole thing and started saying it was him that wasn't fantastic, when really it was just the statue that wasn't.  So I told him it was because he didn't love Arkolio.  I know when I draw people or things, the things that I don't particularly love always turn out blah or boring.  They just don't have that same spark as when I'm in love with who and what I'm doing.  So I told him he had to love Arkolio... at least something about him, if he wanted it to look as perfect as the smaller model he made up.  He fought with me, but he was SO TENSE!  So I danced around the room for him and cheered him up and kissed him on the head and told him that I loved him.  Once he started to relax a bit he realized it was supposed to be fun and he was making it (I'm not going to say it because I don't want to put money in the swear jar).  But he seemed to cheer up a bit.  He wants so badly to give the people of Ft. Vehl something to inspire them.  I think that's fantastic!  Everyone should have a little something to inspire them, and this will be a HUGE something!  I'm so excited about it.  I've been coming back with him every day to keep him relaxed and happy so he can do what he needs to do.  So far things are going much better, and he and he's been smiling a lot more as he sculpts.  Laughing with me I guess takes his mind off the fact that Arkolio wasn't ever very nice to him.  Oh well, somebody loved him, so I keep telling him that that's what's important.  Find something to love about him.  I didn't want to bring it up to him completely, but I reminded him that loving people isn't always easy.  I think somewhere in there Raz wants to love dad still... but can't figure out how.  Sometimes I think I'm the only one of the four of us that we know of that actually does love dad.  And maybe it's just because I'm the only one that got to see that he really could be a hero... and was one.

So... for now I am coming back here every day and helping Raz with his sculpture.  I brought my sketchbook today though.  I'm drawing Raz sculpting Arkolio.  I call it art inside of art.  Literally!  But it feels so good to have the charcoal in my hand again, to be sketching.  I have been feeling more like me again later, and it's a good feeling.  I missed me.

[Alatriel]

Zira wanted to set me up with someone, and then he actually came to the door, but not looking for me, looking for her.  But... I met him.  He's so tall and he's got these almond shaped eyes that seem to almost look through me.  He sang to Zira and me a song that he wrote for Zira, and then he sang me another one that I couldnt' help it... it sounded like he was singing a song about me, but it was about him... it made me cry.  He doesn't seem to know anything about me, about my past, about who I've been with, what I've done... I'm not ready for a relationship, but maybe if he doesn't realize what I've done before, maybe he'll be alright with me being me?  I don't know.  I'm so confused.  And I've never been this nervous about a man since... well since... okay, no... since never.  My face is still hot from flushing, I couldn't help it!  And when he kissed my hand before he said goodbye it sent chills down my spine.  It's been so long since I've been with anyone... maybe that's why he was making me feel that way?  Can it just be that it's simply that?  

I'm going back with Raz to work on the sculpture some more tomorrow... maybe I'll finish the sketch of him tomorrow... or maybe I'll work on the one of Andrew.

[Alatriel]

The sculpture is finished!  It looks absolutely fantastic!  Raz and I finished the polishing yesterday.  Yep, he even let me help!  (Actually, I polished Arkolio's butt... hee hee)  We're looking for some people to help us move it now to Ft. Vehl, hopefully without anyone breaking it!  Gods that would be HORRIBLE if they moved it and it broke!  Raz seems relieved, and maybe a little bit proud that it's finished?  I hope?  I love it.  I really wish Raz would see how wonderful he truly is.  If I were going to be a man instead of me.... I'd totally want to be him.  But... thankfully, I'm not a man!  I gotta go, the movers are here.  Oooh.... a couple of them are really cute and muscley.  Fabulous!

[Alatriel]

I've been thinking about this too much.  Raz was right.  I was turning a simple thing like a date- which should be fun- into a chore.  That's not right.  It's not the way it should be.  Being with someone should be a freeing experience.  it sounds from Andrew's letter that maybe he isn't the kind of man to want me to marry him after the first date.  i think he thinks that I'm not going to like him because he's been with a lot of women.  He says he only is with one woman at a time- uh, I can't even say that I've been only with one man at a time.  Granted, they looked exactly the same though, so does that count?  The point is:  Zira thinks I should say no, but why?  She says I should give people something to look forward to, but the fact is, we could all get hit by a tidal wave tomorrow, so why shouldn't we try to expreience everything to the fullest today?  It doesn't mean we have less to look forwared to tomorrow.  it just means that tomorrow we get to experience everything tomorrow has to offer.  Then we have tomorrow to look forward to for it's own newness and fabulosity.  So I'm not going to worry about if Andrew writes me back again or not.  I've lived enough dreary days.  If love doesn't exist in my future then maybe at least I can have a little fun.  Right?

Though... I may have to track him down if just so that I can fell those soft lips of his against mine.  he's just so... different from what I'm used to.  Normally I don't really seem to go out with his type.  I don't know, I guess I was always attracted to the strong, silent type.  There is still something about a man in armor that just makes me want to... well, get him into something silk.  To help show him there is more to live than armor and battles.  Sometimes it's more fun to play at battles... who am I kidding, it's ALWAYS more fun to play than fight.  Though I will admit there is something about being in a battle with someone.  That quality that gets your heart pounding and your blood flowing and the overwhelming need afterward to celebrate what life has to offer.  Okay, now I'm making myself want to go fight somewhere just for that exhileration.  I think I'll ask Zira and Raz if they're planning anything soon.  I need to get out.  It'll be a little while before there will be anymore parties at the Arms I guess since that fire.  I still wonder if that Blackwatch guy will call on me.  He was cute, if a little stuffy and businesslike.  Maybe he isnt' always like that?  He did tell me he thought I was beautiful after all though.  

He might come back.

Oh, who am I kidding... AGAIN!  I can't help it.  I'm totally boy crazy still.

Zira is going to be disappointed in me.  Sorry in advance little sister.  Maybe your expectations of me are simply unrealistic.  I mean, seriously, one person only?!  That's just not fair!  It's like if someone said before you ever tasted food before that you had to pick which one was your favorite based on what you thought it might taste like.  Just because it looks like it might be good doesn't mean it actually will be.  Or maybe it'll upset your stomach.  Maybe you're allergic to it!  Well I've tasted food.  I've tasted plenty.  Some was good, and some was horribly bad.  But I tried two ways of dealing with it.  One way, the first way- was to stop eating completely.  That simply made me feel worse- and not to mention skinnier.  And the second way was the opposite.  I tried so many different dishes but never really finished any of them.  Just tasted everything I saw in hopes that I could get that bad taste from my memory.  But that just left me feeling unsatisfied.

So I think I will just keep looking for my favorite food... maybe.  But if I can't really narrow it down to just one I can try to enjoy the ones I do try.  i think that might work better for me.

[Alatriel]

I don't know what's gotten into Raz.  He's acting a bit odd.  

But I feel like designing again.  And drawing... I love it again.  For a while it was so strained.  It really did feel like work but now once again I feel like myself.  Like my drawings are just putting myself on a page again.  I've even thought about trying to paint rather than just charcoal sketches.  The charcoal is able to put in so much expression where even colors wouldn't work, but maybe I should try.  Colors always make things better right?  At least in clothes.  When people wear drab and boring colors, browns, taupes, tans, and... well... blech, cotton and linen, their posture changes.  They slouch more, as if their clothes is causing so much of a weight on them that they can't even hold their head up high.  Some people say clothes make the man.  But sometimes maybe that's true.  It's not that the clothes are better than the person, but if you don't look your best, how can you feel your best?

Me personally... I love pink.

[Alatriel]

*a few pieces of parchment are folded and stuffed in between the pages in some places the words are scratched out and replaced by others until the finished draft seems mostly complete*

Sing to me your words of love
From silken tongue and voice
Let your melodies unfold
And let my soul rejoice

Write to me with promises
Touch me with honesty
For rare are those who speak as this
To open completely

Caress me with your touch so soft
Send shivers to my toes
The time together spent so short
My longing each day grows

Sing to me oh sing to me
And hold me in your arms
I fight but still I find myself
Surrendering to your charms



I feel a fire deep inside
A passion screaming to be free
But chains of past agressions hold
To threaten to enlsave me

I hear the words of Ilsare's love
A love to hold but not confine
But how can it be?  Or should I seek
The one who's love is pure Divine?

They say the Muse will set me free
And yet they tell me to commit
To only one forever more...

I'd rather jump into a Pit.

Can it be I'll find a love
To give me roots but also wings?
Perhaps I'll look and someday find
The one for whom my own soul sings



I'm not going to say it
Heck no, no way
Pesky little sister
Shut up and go away

Let me just enjoy myself
Don't spoil my fun
Stop it, you're teasing me
You'll make me want to run

It's just that the sun
It came out today
Did you see it?
Look there!  A yellow ray!

I smelled a rose today
I felt the rain
I heard the birds
Gone was the pain

I feel alive again today
Stop looking like that!
It's not what you think
I know what you're getting at.

It isn't love
Nope, not at all
I know better than that
I know better than to fall

[Alatriel]

I'm.... *ink drips on the page*

I'm without words.

[Alatriel]

I don't think I like Rofirein.  Not so much those that follow him, but I don't think I like the god all that much.  Why would he make it so that his followers were so afraid of passion and love that they couldn't even manage to look at a woman for fear of temptation?  I mean, sheesh!  Sure, you're a priest, but you're not dead for crying out loud!  I was drinking.  It was good.  I felt more relaxed and clear-headed (with a good bit of fuzz to soften all that clarity) and Danny came in and told me that I shouldn't be drinking and told me about how it was bad.  I asked him when was the last time somebody hugged him.  He said when he was a child.  WHEN HE WAS A CHILD!  That's HORRIBLE!  What kind of god would make it so that nobody could even hug!?!  And then he said one of the most craziest things!  He said that Rofie is going to pick out a woman for him to love.  HOW?!  How on this whole big great green land is ROFIE going to tell somebody how to love?!  He told me that he wouldn't even KISS a woman until he had married her.  CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!?  THAT'S NUTS!  And not to mention, on top of everything he thought that looking at a woman with need, or wanting, to desire a woman means that "the Harlot" has managed to get her way into his thoughts.  Does Rofie require his priests to be DEAD?!  He bit his lip so hard trying to run away from me because of the need... the mortal need... that I saw in his eyes when he looked at me.  I told him to stop and I blotted his lip to stop the bleeding.  He asked me if that was passion.  Passion?  To help someone with a cut lip?  No, I told him it was Caring.  I do care.  Why the hells do I still care so much!?  I kissed my finger and touched his lip because I knew if I tried to kiss him again he'd probably run out screaming and I didn't need a scene.  He shuddered.  He shuddered the same way Andrew did when I fixed his finger when he stuck it with a needle after I scared him because I surprised him by coming to Hempstead instead of waiting for him to come see me again.  Why are men like that?  Why is it that they can say one thing and then look at me like I'm still just a piece of meat... Well... not always, but still... you get the idea.  That's why I can't love Ilsare.  Because she doesn't seem to think that there should be anyone out there that will love me for me.  Who will give me the kind of love that I dream about.  That sort of love doesn't exist.  Heck, apparently even Rofie's think that there is one person out there for their people.  Misguided and unnatural and just plain stupid and sick as it is... COME ON!  Not kissing someone until AFTER you're married?  That's ridiculous!  How would you even know that they're any good at kissing.  How would you know YOU are any good at kissing?  Even if they DO get married... which apparently they have to before they kiss, if they're not compatible they're going to spend the rest of their entire lives not knowing that they could've had something better.  Or being unsatisfied in their lives and not knowing why because they're so blind and stupid and think that they have to stay with that person because they're married and that Rofie must've picked them out for them.  THAT'S INSANITY!  Is that what following a god is all about?  ARGH!  It just makes me so mad that there are people out there who will treat other people badly based on some stupid ideal and forcing themselves to be someone that obviously they're not because they think they're serving a higher purpose when in actuality they're just being STUPID!

And I can't even talk to Raz about this because he LEFT ME.  Why did he leave me?  Because he doesn't like Andrew.  Why doesn't he like Andrew?  Because he says he's too much like himself when he was 100.  So, I'm getting punished because I wanted to be with someone that made me feel special, even if I know that I'm really not special, I'm just one in a million, he made me feel special when I was with him.

I give up.  I'm leaving here and going to find some pretty places where I can scream my frustrations to the world and let them echo back and around me.  I'm going to the watchtower.  Then after that... who knows.  Maybe there will be something else I can do.  If nothing else, I still have the rest of that bottle with my name on it.

[Alatriel]

I'm so stupid.  I can't believe I never thought of it before.  Raz and I were talking about stuff, and then he mentioned Steel and how it's the EW's fault that he got locked up and now they're going to kill him.  I can see that.  He said it's because she got pregnant and obviously it can't be Blue's kid, so he probably said something about it and she got him arrested and framed for something after she burned down his inn.  Helloooooo!  That's why she's the EW!  So I said something about how I hope Andrew doesn't know her, and he said that's not hard since he probably isn't studying at the Tower Academy.  I slapped my own forehead.  I'm so stupid.  That's where I send his letters.  Of course he knows her.  Raz says that maybe he doesn't know her and that I should probably just ask him, but come on, he's beautiful.  He's the most beautiful human I've ever seen before.  And as evil as she is, if you don't know that she's evil she could be pretty.  I know the first time I saw her I thought she was pretty.  Until she REARED HER UGLY HEAD AT ME and the HORNS came out of her skull and she tried to convince me that she was taking away my magic because she countered EVERY SINGLE SPELL that I threw at her!  Before she stalked me and tried to trick me into saying that Raz was my brother, before I realized that she stole Aislin away from Raz and would never let him see her ever, before she then dangled that in front of him and made him all sad because he knew he'd never get to know his OWN DAUGHTER.  

Yeah.  She's evil.  And Andrew knows her.  Maybe that's why he's been so happy lately.  I was right.  I'm nothing special.  I'm just one in a million.

I'm glad I hadn't gotten attached... too much.

But I guess I can ask him.

But she better not ever come over again and eat pie.

Not even blue pie.

And I hate blue pie.


*ink drips on the page as if she held her quill there for a long time*

Maybe instead of being mad I should just think about that last time we were together.  If he hadn't gotten lost and turned into the crypt...

But then when we went to the other one... and he fell.  To see his body lying there so still... and watch it dissipate... I hope he was pulled to the stone, that he'll be back.  I haven't heard from him.  I hope he's alright.

I hope that we'll be able to...

I just hope he's okay.

[Alatriel]

Okay, so I talked to Zira... a lot.  I asked her if she would talk to me as a priestess and not as my sister, but she said that she'd try, but kind of hard to separate the two things.  And well... we talked a lot about a lot of stuff.  She's got her own ideas about how some stuff is, and how I feel about some stuff and I don't think she's entirely right but she thinks I'm just fooling myself.  

Well, to make a long story short... I think I've decided that I don't think I'm a "follower" of Ilsare, but if she wants to be friends with me I'm okay with that.  We both sort of like the same stuff... with the exception of archery and that her view on love and my view on love don't mesh.  I'm still not into that whole one person for one person thing.  But I can forgive her for that if she's okay with me not agreeing.  It'd be nice to have a goddess for a friend actually.  Especially one with as much style as Ilsare seems to have.  Friends with Ilsare... yeah, I guess I can handle that much.

[Alatriel]

Oh geez... apparently I'm being talked about.  As if being stuck in jail for days and then in the stocks for most of a day wasn't bad enough considering that it was their own government official's fault that I was there in the first place isn't bad enough.  *sighs*  Saddest part is... I have no idea what they're saying.  They better get the story right!  Making people bribe you so that you can do the right thing is WRONG!

[Alatriel]

Well, we were going to go to Hempstead together, but we got sidetracked... so we're still in Hlint for the time being.  He's sleeping.  He looks so peaceful when he sleeps.  Makes it really easy to draw him too.  Still not as good as the sketch I drew of him when he was sitting by the window the last time, but this one is good.  The light comes through the windown and hits him just across the lower part of his face.  I know when the sun rises a bit more it will shine across his eyes and wake him, but for now I think he needs the rest.  

Andrew says I can talk to Ilsare.  Because she's my friend, she'll listen to me.  That I can talk to her out loud or I can just think it and she'll know.  I think it's kind of creepy that she could read my mind, but he says that she just knows when it's her I'm talking to and otherwise she won't pry into my business.  He said it's more that she reads my heart than my thoughts.  

So I guess she knows how I feel then?  I guess that could be good.  I guess maybe that means that I have somebody to talk to even when I'm alone.  Kinda weird, but Zira seems to like it.  Maybe I'll try it some day.  For now... I'm just not so sure.  

And... my sleeping beauty is stirring.

[Alatriel]

To Ilsare,

You're supposed to care about peoples' hearts right?  Well, if you're not too busy... do you think you could protect mine?  

Your friend,
Zari

*there are a couple places on the page that look like water dripped on them*

[Alatriel]

*the handwriting is shaky*

I told him....

[Alatriel]

You know what's kind of funny?  I poured out my soul into that storm.  Everything.  Every pain, every fear, every desire... and I feel raw, but at the same time... I'm still here.  I told Andrew that I love him.  And even in that I realize that it's okay to love him and still be me.  I know I'm not going to be able to not look at a handsome man passing by.  I'm not going to be able to not smile if someone pays me a compliment, and I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to resist a handsome man's attentions regardless of who I love.  I'm not sure if Andrew would even love me, or if he does, or if he even could.  I guess what I figured out in that storm... with the wave about to drown us all... it doesn't matter.  I can't force someone to love me anymore than those others tried to force or convince me to love them.  If it wasn't there, it just wasn't.  With Andrew... same thing.  My heart aches and yet it feels so much lighter than it has in so many long years.  And above all else, I think I might've gotten this praying stuff down.  Well, I'm not very good at it, but Ilsare must've accepted me as her friend because she kept me and my loved ones safe.  It's pretty good having a friend like that I think.

Zira said something about going along with her to help her with an Ilsarian ring.  Sounds like it could be fun.  I found my mom's old pink necklace with a heart on it.  I dont' think it's exactly like Zira's, but I like it.  It goes with my outfits.  And if nothing else, even if it has nothing to do with my friend Ilsare, I feel like I finally got the hold spell off my heart, even if for just a little while.

[Alatriel]

I taught Andrew a song.  He said he collects songs so he wanted to know some in Elvish.  I sang one of them for Raz and he said it made his heart soar.  It was a song my mom used to sing when I was little before her light went out from her eyes.  Maybe since I've been gone New Dad's been able to bring that light back to her.  I hope so.  Anyways.... the song goes


Aeym aaala lairela cena anira ceviran eo anira layl
Aeym nelalaala aloecw sa illw cailela sa ylwela
E anilna aeym irillw irama, illw eym laam ceoa favyl
Eym wila amecc fa laeel amiral aey illw E ilma ela

ela ceoa oemaelam
Ela ceoa anevaaniram
aeym ceviran illw sa ceviran nyesfelaw

Ela irailman maqueenyelv
Ela laelv ela eleenyelv
Eym ceela leam oemaelam alanamelaw

E ceen ane aeym laseca ane maillalayma sa eo anesemmeam
E nleam anirilan aey ceela sa oem aanamleana
E nleam anirilan ane irecw aey amecc tyillala ilamila ilcc laemmeam
Illw cailela sa ameanir tyailnya illw laamaleana

ela ceoa oemaelam
Ela ceoa anevaaniram
aeym ceviran illw sa ceviran nyesfelaw

Ela irailman maqueenyelv
Ela laelv ela eleenyelv
Eym ceela leam oemaelam alanamelaw

//Translates to:

Your eyes shine like the light of the sun
Your kisses enfold me and leave me undone
I take your hand here, and our new life begun
Our day will be soon when you and I are one

one life forever
One life together
your light and my light combined

One heart rejoicing
One song is voicing
Our love now forever entwined

I look to your smile to reassure me of tomorrow
I know that you love me for eternity
I know that to hold you will pass away all sorrow
And leave me with peace and serenity

one life forever
One life together
your light and my light combined

One heart rejoicing
One song is voicing
Our love now forever entwined

[Alatriel]

Once again, Raz's insight has left me feeling a bit foolish.  So, even though I still feel like I love Andrew, I know that I would never do to him what was done to me.  I know he doesn't love me, but I won't change that with anything that I can do.  Sooooo.... I have to trust in Ilsare I guess.  I figure if she's agreed to be my friend then I have to trust her like I would my friend.  If she's my friend that means she loves me, and if she loves me, I'm not cursed by her.  So if I'm not cursed by her that means that there is someone out there who has the capacity to love me the way that I want to be loved.  Who knows... maybe more than one?  But the fact is, if I'm willing to drop everything for someone that I care about, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make the person that I love feel better, even if all it is is to hold them and pat their head and tell them it will be alright, or make them a special dinner (even though I really can't cook) or pour a bath for them when they're tired and need to relax, and know just the right temperature they like it, or just the right way to make them smile...


why is it that I've always felt that I deserve less?  Because I've always felt that to do so would be selfish?  Maybe.  But maybe I deserve to be loved too.  Even if it's just to love myself enough to realize that I deserve to be loved.

[Alatriel]

I got up on stage and told a story!  In front of people!  And they didn't boo me!  It was fun... I might have to do it again someday.  Different story of course.  This one was easy though.  I told one that was true, I just... well... changed a few things is all.  I don't think I won anything, but I don't care.  I had fun.  The other stories that were told were really good too.  Well the ones I heard anyways.  I think I could go to another one of those types of things again though.

[Alatriel]

I went to the gathering at the "Arms".  It was really fun.  I sang a couple songs too.  I tried to sing songs that had meaning... and well, they meant something.  At least to me they did.

Oh!  and I have a date with Danny!

Oh!  and I met a guy with wings!



Bring on the Rain (this one I wrote myself...)

When the wind howls across the plains
and the skies darken on the horizon

When thunder bellows in the hills
and lightning flashes out it's warning
Bring on the rain.

Bring on the rain, we'll endure it.
Bring on the war, we'll ensure it
We'll win this fight we'll weather the storm
We'll win the day against all harm
Bring on the rain

When we see the tides coming in
and the waves threatening to drown us

When we hear the call to arms
and the soldiers gearing up for battle
Bring on the rain.

Bring on the rain, we'll endure it
Bring on the war, we'll ensure it
We'll win this fight we'll weather the storm
We'll win the day against all harm
Bring on the rain.

The fight is only hard if we let it take our spirit
Sound the call of triumph so that everyone can hear it
Bring on the Rain

Bring on the rain
Bring on the pain

We'll endure to the end
and we'll stand and defend
Bring on the rain.

[Alatriel]

Oh... this is the other song I sang at the Arms thing.  I like it.  I didn't write it, but I really like it.


Someone Else's Story (//from Chess//)

Long ago, in someone else's lifetime
Someone with my name who looked a lot like me
Came to know a man and made a promise
He only had to say and that's where she would be
Lately although the feelings run just as deep
The promise she made has grown impossible to keep
and yet
I wish it wasn't so
Will he miss me if I go?

In a way, it's someone else's story
I don't see myself as taking part at all.
Yesterday the girl that I was fond of
Finally could see the writing on the wall.
Sadly she realized she'd left him behind
And sadder than that she knew he wouldn't even mind
And though
there's nothing left to say
Would he listen if I stay?

It's all very well to say you fool it's now or never
I could be choosing no choices what-so-ever

I could be in someone else's story
In someone else's life- and he could be in mine.
I don't see a reason to be lonely
I could take my chances further down the line
And if that girl I knew would ask my advice
Oh I wouldn't hesitate, she needn't as me twice
"Go now!"
I'd tell her that for free
Trouble is the girl is me

The story is the girl is me


(// YouTube - Someone Else's Story (Jennifer Beth Glick Schaffer) )