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Messages - Melgrin
1
« on: January 26, 2006, 03:25:44 PM »
Thaïs has made her choice know to me… to us… I met with Sy and Thaïs at the same place we met before, that beautiful, quiet lake near Haven castle. It took Thaïs a great deal of strength to let us know what she chose.
She did not choose for either me or Sy. At first, I thought I was going to loose my mind. But then she explained her reasons. She feels that the ‘others’ – as she calls them – are trying to get back. And Sy returning and giving her this choice has made things worse. She is now resolved, more than ever, to find healing for her mind. And she feels she cannot be bound by anything, or anyone, while she is on that path.
I told her that I would still be there for her, if she needed me to accompany her on that journey. I told her I would follow her to the end of the world and beyond. And I would, without a single thought.
Somehow, this news brings some peace for me. It isn’t the thing I had longed for. But it allows me to be with her and to protect her, and that is good enough for me, now. Later, who knows, what happens, what will become of Thaïs. But now, at least she did not send me away. I will stand by her and help her.
Sy was as surprised with her decision as I was. But I also think she had not really counted on Thaïs choosing her. She was even trying to make Thaïs stay with me, I think. But she was still devastated by the news. She and Thaïs had their talk, I had stepped away. I had to give them that space. Sy left Thaïs with tear-stricken face. I think that she even cried on the way north. I felt sorry for her, even though she had almost taken Thaïs away from me, and is at least partially responsible that Thaïs had now more or less left me. I hope she gets over Thaïs soon.
I told Thaïs I needed some time to think this new thing over. I wanted to be alone, let out my emotions, without her seeing them. I told her I was going to stay in the Inn at Port Hampshire, and that she only needed to send word to me if she was ready for her journey. Now I am here alone in this room with its big bed. I cannot help thinking back to the nights Thaïs and I spent here. But I will be strong. The stronger I will be, the better I can help Thaïs, and the higher the chances that things will turn right again. I will live on that hope, and on that resolve to be there for her.
2
« on: January 24, 2006, 01:04:33 AM »
I am at a loss. What am I to do? I cannot force Thaïs in any way. It might even push her to Sy. But what if she leaves me? What have I got to live for then? I don’t think I want to live anymore if she decides to go with Sy. But she may never know this. I don’t want her to stay with me because she feels sorry for me.
At least it will become clear to me if she really loves me. If she chooses me…
3
« on: January 24, 2006, 12:58:22 AM »
I should have stayed in bed, and kept the door locked. Now, I fear, things are lost for good. Why couldn’t I just have resisted that urge to go hunting? If I could turn back time, I would do so, and I would pay whatever the cost.
I woke up with the urge to hunt some ogres, so I set off in the direction of Haven mines. On the way there, I found Eamane near the bindstone in Hlint, looking like she had just fallen. I asked her about it, and she told me she had been at Haven, where she had been attacked not just by ogres, but also by enemies with celestial summons. She warned me that I should stay away from that place, as it would almost certainly mean certain death. Well, that was the end to that plan. Good way to start the day. But unfortunately, that was just the beginning. But it had turned my mood into something dark already.
I was considering what to do instead, when Thaïs found me. We walked to the Inn to get some drinks. I tried to explain why I was as grumpy as I was. She tried to lift my spirits, and even succeeded some in that. She suggested we go to hunt lizards in the marshes instead. That should not be such a huge problem, right? Wrong. The first ones were easy, but then we ran into these slashing ones, and it did not take long for them to slash us to death… both.
We got some help from Barion and a lovely lady called Brisbane and we were able to recover our graves. Brisbane killed off the lizards with lightning like it was nothing. I don’t think I ever saw something like that. Brisbane escorted us back to Hlint.
We should not have gone to that place. We should have gone somewhere else. Why did we make that mistake? But I guess it was unavoidable… we would have walked into her anyway…
In Hlint, we were going to the benches when suddenly my heart skipped a few beats. I thought I saw Sy’Ravenne walking on the grass. But that could not be… she was gone, for good. But it was her, alright. She walked up to Thaïs and surprised her. The poor girl almost died there on the spot when she realized who it was. Sy started holding Thaïs’ hand and hugged her. She even started kissing her. I could not look at it… not there, in the middle of town, with all these people around us. It was too painful, too embarrassing. I pleaded with Thaïs and Sy to go someplace more quiet, to talk things over. At first I don’t think Sy wanted, but after some time Thaïs accepted, and we ran over to the lake in the hills near Haven.
There, Sy continued to kiss and hug Thaïs. I tried to make her stop. What was she thinking? That after a year or so, she could just come up to Thaïs and continue where they left off. Thaïs was looking utterly confused, and I could not blame her. I told them, told Sy, that I didn’t want to deny her seeing Thaïs, or even more, but not this quick, at least not without giving Thaïs – and me – some time to recover from this shock. Doing so I even said things to Thaïs which have hurt her… but I could not help it. It hurt me, seeing my Thaïs being eaten alive by this woman. Then, Sy said she would leave us for now, give us time to talk. But, the next time she will see Thaïs, she can come with her, or stay with me. Thaïs rolled her eyes and fainted.
I knelt at her side, and tried to bring her back, but failed. Then, as I was getting up to think about what to do, Sy almost fell upon Thaïs, and started trying to bring her to in her own way. I could not watch that anymore. It was just too much. I pushed her away, took Thaïs in my arms and shook her until she regained consciousness. Not long after Sy left with the promise to come back to Thaïs and take her with her, if she wanted to.
I was just stunned. I could not think properly. I tried to talk to Thaïs, but I couldn’t. In the end, we just stood there… looking out over Haven. Then, suddenly, Thaïs threatened to jump off the cliff. I grabbed her before she could do anything stupid like that. I just held her, and let her cry. I told Thaïs that I would not force her in any way this time. It was her decision, and if she would take Sy over me, than I would accept that. What else could I do?
4
« on: January 18, 2006, 07:40:58 AM »
When I woke up, Thaïs was still asleep. For some time, I just sat there, holding her, watching her sleep. She’s so beautiful, it almost hurts me when I look at her. She is everything I could ever want. Yet at times there is a distance between us, however small it may be. The reason for that I can only guess at. Maybe it is my insecurity and maybe it is because Thaïs is not yet fully cured.
Thaïs woke up and smiled at me. We had some breakfast at the campfire and started to talk about what we would be doing that day. Again, Thaïs seemed so restless. For some time now, she has this constant craving for adventure, to seek out new places, and clean them of any monsters that are hiding there. I don’t mind accompanying her, in fact I love the exercise it gives me and I see it is improving my fighting skills a lot, but the eagerness with which she goes at it, is frightening me. What will happen if she gets bored with slashing the umpteenth ogre? I fear it might mean that she will collapse in yet another mood, a dark one even. Yet the only thing I can do is be there with her. And that in itself is rewarding enough for me. I love being around her, seeing her smile, laugh, and doing her things. Fortunately I am able to forget about this dark cloud I sometimes see at her – no, our – future.
In Hlint we met Angela and Abi, with whom we agreed to travel to the Dragon Isles. Even though our last trip there was from my point of view a disaster, they still had something to show us there. Thaïs waved my concerns about the trip away, saying that her falling had been an unfortunate accident, and that she had no doubts of our combined strengths. We picked up a fellow traveler by the name of Vestlyn, a cleric of Ilsare. The five of us traveled to Fort Velensk to sail to the isles. On the way we had a break at the broken forest, and slayed some of the restless souls that lurk there. In Fort Velensk, Angela made a seemingly small remark about how she hated the town, especially the prison and the temple. Apparently, Rofirein is an enemy to the gods they pay homage to. I hate to think what this would mean if Thaïs does decide to once more become an acolyte of the Lord Protector. Will they still want to be friends with Thaïs?
We had a short, rough voyage to the Dragon Isles. When we landed, we made for the place where we were supposed to go the last time, a cave. Angela and Abi made some strange hints about what we would find in the cave, and were talking about cows. I had no clue what they were talking about until we went in and saw the first of the creatures. They were humanoid things with bull’s heads, and they attacked with great strength. We went through the caves and slayed a lot of those things that kept attacking us on sight. Thaïs exclaimed that she hadn’t received a single scratch, which pleased me a lot. But then Abi pulled out a small knife and started playing with it, looking playfully at Thaïs. She even asked her if she would like to be scratched by her… what got into the mind of her, I wonder. Thaïs just stared at the knife, looking restlessly at Abi until she finally put it away. After we went through the whole of the cave, we went back to the boat and sailed for Fort Velensk.
Abi and Angela did not want to share in the loot, so Thaïs and I only had to share it with Vestlyn, who accepted the money modestly. He didn’t know what he would be spending it on yet. I think I will use my gold to get some better weapon for Thaïs or myself, or maybe improve the sword I have now. It is a splendid weapon, and I love to use it. And I will of course let Thaïs share in my relative wealth – it would not give me much joy if I didn’t anyway. Then Abi got out some wine she was carrying and offered some to Thaïs. Thaïs couldn’t or wouldn’t say no to that, and in a matter of minutes had drunk the entire bottle. Which made her tipsy… to put it kindly. Abi brought out another bottle and I had a sip as well. Well, sip, I guess it was more than that. In fact, I think Thaïs never saw a drop of wine from that bottle. It was a good, but strong wine, and I enjoyed it thoroughly. I couldn’t remember the last time I had had a wine this nice. Abi said it was a xeenite wine. I’ll take her word for it.
We said our farewells. It had been a good trip, and I had enjoyed the company of Angela and Abi. Even Vestlyn had been kind. I offered Thaïs my arm and together we somehow made it to Port Hampshire, where we went straight for the inn. We got ourselves a room there. The beds they have there… so much better than the rooms in Hlint. Sometimes I don’t understand why we don’t stay there more often. Thaïs and I had a nice romantic evening before we both fell asleep, exhausted.
5
« on: January 13, 2006, 03:38:00 AM »
Our last few expeditions haven’t been that great. In fact, I’m beginning to believe we have a curse placed on us or something. The first one that went bad was when Thaïs and I met up with two people I hadn’t met before. They were Isilme and Eàmanë, two elven women whom Thaïs apparently had met earlier. With them we went to Haven mines. Thaïs seems to be only in the mood to go bashing things lately, but when we find people to join us and go, she gets bored with it real soon. I wish I could figure her out. If it is not a changed personality, it’s a mood I can’t grasp with her, but she always seems to find new ways to confuse me to the bone. Not that I blame her for that; I know, or at least I think I know she is not doing that to annoy me – she is suffering from it more than I am.
Actually, the trip to Haven mines went very well. We worked really well as a team. Isilme turned out to be the natural leader for us, giving directions and making sure our fights were won by us. Something kept nagging at me, however, and at first I couldn’t put my finger on it. Only later, after Thaïs and I were alone again, it dawned on me. Isilme’s ways reminded me of someone else’s. And that was when I started to get worried, and thought of how Thaïs had acted towards her. She had something in her manners that reminded me of Sy’Ravenne, although the thought alone is nonsense. But Thaïs must have felt it too. She seems to get nervous when she’s around Isilme. But I should wave away these thoughts, I’m sure my mind is playing tricks with me. Thaïs is as warm to me as she has been the last months, nothing has changed there.
Coming out of Haven mines, we talked about what to do next, since the day was long from over. Isilme suggested another trip down the mines, but Thaïs didn’t like that. Boring, she said. Instead, she said there was this cave in the marshes she had been wanting to try out for some time now. We all agreed to that. I didn’t mind… as long as I was with Thaïs I was happy, and Isilme and Eàmanë were good company. So, we went to those marshes, and looked for the cave. We killed some lizardmen that came after us in the marshes. After some time searching we found the entrance of the cave. In front of it were some more lizardmen. As we had taken on quite a few of those already, and doing quite well against them, nothing prepared us for what was coming to us next. It turned out that there was a rather powerful shaman amongst the lizards that killed both Eàmanë and me in a matter of minutes after we started the fight. When I came to in Hlint I not only saw Eàmanë, but Thaïs and Isilme were there, both fallen as well. I had no idea where we had gone wrong, where we had mad out judgment error, and neither did anyone of the women. But I had proven once more that I could not prevent serous harm from happening to Thaïs. I had to laugh a bit at myself thinking that, because apparently Isilme had also taken up a vow to protect Eàmanë, and was saying to her that she had failed her. I don’t know if I will ever be able to protect Thaïs properly. I guess not… maybe I should start trying to live with that fact, and not blame myself everytime I failed her. I did do what I could in those marshes, but that was just not good enough. Not even Isilme and Eàmanë’s powers could be matched against that shaman, so how could I?
Then, days later, we were talking to Isilme about going somewhere. I said that I still had this request from Juanita to retrieve oil of Vukas for her in the Grey Peaks. We decided to give it a try, and gathered a large group to go there. There were others as well that had talked to Juanita about it, so we thought we could combine our efforts. The Grey Peaks are quite a dangerous place, so forming this group seemed the wise thing to do. A guy named Glenn was one of the first to join us, and he became our leader. He was the one in charge of tactics, and the first part of the trip that went very well. We took out a lot of ogres without any real problems. But then the chances were turning against us. The ogres we came across further in the mountains had a lot of mages with them. People were starting to fall everywhere. Glenn was the first one that died, and without his leadership things were getting hopeless. Sturdy was next. Then Thaïs fell as well by the magic of an ogre mage. I saw her being attacked and stormed her way, but I got there too late. In blind anger, I hacked away at the mage, and nearly fell myself. I was bleeding to death next to Thaïs when Azak healed my wounds. He was rather annoyed at me for running into that mage, but I didn’t care at that time. Thaïs had died, again. The only thing to do was to move on. We tried to get back to Hlint, but that was not easy. Finally we managed to get back to the road to Fort Llast. Most left to Hlint then, but there were some that wanted to help Sturdy, who had made it back there with some help, go back to his grave. I felt at least partly responsible for all these deaths, so I volunteered to help him. With Storold, Garnet and Azak we went back. It was even harder for us now, since we were only with so few. At some point we saw another of those ogre mages blocking our way. Storold was the only one that wanted to go on, saying it wouldn’t be a problem, that we could take it. Well, he went on, attacked the thing, and we all ran into the fight. And Azak died. Another one dead. It was getting really hopeless. After some serious discussions we agreed to go back. Storold and Garnet went to Hlint I think, while Sturdy, Azak and me went to find Juanita in Fort Llast. At least she paid us well. The thanks we got for all this misery was small. Just a little thank you, and away she went. Had it been worth all these deaths? I don’t know. And I could not think straight anymore. I was so tired. I said my farewells to my last two companions and went back to Hlint, to find Thaïs.
I found her in the crafting hall, where she was working on her armor. Despite the fact that she had fallen in the Grey Peaks, I must say she looked radiant. She also showed me a dress her mother gave her that I had never seen before. It was stunning. We went to the inn to get some drinks. And then Thaïs suggested that we go goblin bashing in the red light caves! I was too weary to object or try to talk her out of it, so we went. And at least then we did well. I think we even cleared out all or most of the cave of these little things. Still high from that victory we went to the campfire. Thaïs fell asleep in my arms almost immediately. I though about how our fight just then, when we were just the two of us, went so much better than the fights in those groups, when I also finally collapsed, and fell asleep with Thaïs in my arms.
6
« on: December 31, 2005, 07:30:00 AM »
I have spent these past months surviving, trying to protect Thaïs, trying to figure her out. It feels like she has gained more strength, that she has become more stable. On the other hand I doubt that her problems are all over. But at least she has not left me, or worse, tried to end her life.
We have adventured out of Hlint several times together. Most times these travels have not been terribly successful, and several times I fell. But I am learning to be honorable and stay at Thaïs’ side while fighting, not leaving a battle after entering it. Somehow I had forgotten these codes of conduct that every true warrior should follow. I think the times I have fought at Sy’Ravenne’s side have made me remember them.
On one of our adventures, Thaïs and I have made a rather disastrous trip to the Dragon Isles with Abi, Angela, Ireth, Elladan and Barion. Not long after landing on these strange islands, we were ambushed by a group of walking fungi. These weird creatures released clouds of their spores on us, disabling some of us. I stood there for some time, confused, unable to focus on the fight. At almost the same time, Ireth and Thaïs were also taken by this, although I did not notice it directly. Only after the fight, when these creatures were all slain, we saw that Thaïs was slain, and that Ireth was standing at the place she fell. She looked confused, and said she had aimed at the mushroom, not at Thaïs. Slowly it dawned on me and the others, that Ireth had slain my Thaïs. Anger rose in me, and I nearly attacked Ireth for this. Barion intervened and told me to lay off. I stepped back and tried to find out from Ireth what had happened. She argued that she had been under the influence of some spell or poison from the mushrooms creatures. While I found this hard to believe at first, I knew that I myself had also been under the influence of that, and decided to accept her explanation. While I wanted to return to Hlint immediately to search for Thaïs, the others went on. Since I knew I had no chance by myself on these isles, I stayed with them. I would not be able to help Thaïs when I was dead as well. Fortunately for me, Ireth decided soon after that she wanted to return, because, as she put it, because she had had a bad day. Killing Thaïs had left a mark on her, and she was unable to stay there. Ireth left with Barion, and I returned a bit later. We should probably not return too soon to those horrible isles.
We also joined on a quest to transport a shipment of war axes of master Ronus from a dwarven tradepost on Dregar to the castle at Blackford. It was a rather difficult journey. We were shipwrecked after our captain had been washed overboard in a snowstorm. We then had to evade a lot of monsters on our way to the Rocksmashers place. After some difficulty making ourselves understood by these dwarves, we got our axes, and took some short route back to Hlint. Due to our great numbers, only one of us fell on this trip, Aralin. He was taken to Illsares temple in Hlint, where the priest raised him. I guess master Ronus was quite happy with these axes being brought to the castle.
7
« on: December 10, 2005, 03:52:00 AM »
Happy Birthday!
8
« on: November 25, 2005, 03:32:00 AM »
I have seen the soulmother again and for the second time she took a piece of my soul. Maybe I attracted her and maybe I distracted her from chasing others. I don’t know what to make of it.
When I woke up in the Wild Surge, I went back to the Rangers Vale to look for Thaïs. She was still there, and was engaged in what seemed to me a very deep discussion with some bird man. He left soon after I arrived, flying off into the sky. It was a most peculiar creature. Thaïs and I talked some more and then decided to go on a hunt in the Sielwood forest. First we killed some nasty chickens and ogres. Encouraged by our success we went deeper and deeper into the woods until we found some ruins. There were more ogres there, and more powerful ones at that. One of their mages nearly had me with his spells. Seeing that we had ventured too far, we decided to head back to Hlint. We must have taken a wrong turn because we found ourselves suddenly among a large group of spiders that managed to kill both Thaïs and me in a matter of minutes. That was when the soulmother payed me a special visit. How hard must it be for people like Sy that have met her so many times more than I.
We came to in Hlint. Walking to the direction of the Inn, we saw Abi and Angela. Somehow Thaïs got engaged in a discussion with Abi that went in a direction I didn’t like. I tried to direct the line of talking into some other direction, but I think I only succeeded in annoying Abi. Thaïs started saying things I hope I misunderstood, things like her wanting to loose all bonds, wanting to be free. I don’t dare to think what the implication of such a thing would be, on her, us, her relation to Rofirein. But then again my mind kept going back to that horrid place with the spiders, so I can’t say it was very clear. I also took great care not to push Thaïs into doing or not doing anything. This is her path, I will try to guide her as well as I am capable of, but I will not block her, not anymore. If she wants me out of her life, then so be it. I’ll go through hell if that should happen, but… No but. I pray that I misunderstood.
Abi also told her she thinks Thaïs has not lost her mind, but that she never found it back. That Thaïs is not cured at all. She might have a point there, I can see that. But even if it were so, saying it out loud like that to Thaïs will not improve her mental health. It may even be the final push over the edge. That is why I wanted Thaïs away from Abi.
Finally, after some long hours, they had said all there was to it, and Thaïs took me back to the Wild Surge. She toned down some of the things she had said, saying she had said those things in the interest of the discussion, that she needs to talk to people like to Abi and that bird man to start understanding. I really cannot tell anymore what she is thinking, how well she is. We laid down and cuddled some, before going to sleep. At least her actions give me no reason to believe she is trying to leave me. If only I could grasp the true meaning of her words.
9
« on: November 24, 2005, 01:13:00 PM »
I spent the day crafting. I had brought some iron from the Haven mines, and tried to smelt that, without any luck. Then I worked some on my clothes and armor, trying to improve them. Somehow, the day passed. I hadn’t seen or spoken to Thaïs all day. When I finally went to the Wild Surge, I did find her, lying on the floor, passed out. I tried to get her up, and finally succeeded. The smell of alcohol was strong on her. Then I remembered. She must have found Sy and haven spoken to her. That would mean she had been given the bad news. No wonder she had drunk as much. I lifted her up and carried her to a room. There was no need for all to see this in the common room.
When she came to, Thaïs told me she had indeed talked to Sy. She was shattered when she heard Sy would break up with her. Thaïs cried in my arms. I tried to comfort her somewhat, but what can you say? After some time, Thaïs managed to get a grip on herself again. We both agreed that hunting would take our minds off of things, so we went to the Sielwood cave. We bashed everything that came on our path, but it was too easy, there was no satisfaction in it. Thaïs led the way out of the caves, and deeper into the woods. We ran into some bigger ogres that were a challenge to us. So much so, that we had to go back to the campfire in Rangers Vale to rest.
At the campfire, our weariness became apparent in its full form. We decided not to return to the woods. Instead we made love. Well, Thaïs made love to me, and I tried to keep up with her. There was so much anger in her, it had to find a way out. Afterwards, we talked about our feelings. Thaïs said she felt as if everything is crumbling into ashes around her, that she still is ill. I said I would help her find her cure, if she is not yet cured, but she doubts if she even wants that. If she’s not well yet, the change that will be the result of the cure may not be something she wants. She also fears that her resolve to once again become an acolyte of Rofirein might become a conflict with her love for me. She also said she was afraid of taking off the holy symbol of Ilsare that Vivian had given her, fearing that removing it might also remove her minds sanity. But that that also would become a problem, as there was no understanding between Rofirein and Ilsare. Why, Thaïs could not tell me. I reasoned that where Ilsare puts love before all else, Rofirein puts justice and the law before all, including love. I told Thaïs that she should really look into her heart where her standpoint on this was. Maybe, I told her, maybe she had changed, like I had. I explained her how I had changed. How this whole thing had changed my view on the world. How I now saw how wrong I had been in my relationship with her when we had first met, how I had only thought of me and how I was affected by everything. I told her that I was not like that anymore, that I now loved her for her sake as well, not just for mine. That I respected her choice, even if it was a choice that I could not make, or that would hurt me.
Thaïs said she was not like that, she loved both Sy and me, but she could not see how that could work, how she could love both of us equally. But it was not something I could help her with, I was only beginning to understand what I was thinking of that myself. She said she still planned to find out the truth about what had happened with her in the temple, and that she would make the priests pay if they were responsible. Thaïs even swore to pursue this with Rofirein as her witness. She is right in thinking that is the core of her troubles. It is therefore necessary to solve that issue, to get to the bottom of it. Only then can her cure be complete. We agreed that we both needed some time alone. We will meet again at the campfire.
I left Thaïs there, knowing she would be safe. I went back to Hlint, and found Sy there again. She was off to Haven mines to get some platinum ore. Thinking the same as before, I said I wanted to join her. While I bought some more healing potions, just to be on the safe side, Sy looked for more people to join us, as she intended to descent to the lowest levels of the mines. She found a handful of men, Sylok, Shrubbery, Rothnor, Endular and a rogue named Nimo. We all went to Haven mines, after bashing some monsters near Haven. In the mines, Nimo trailed behind, and took care of the looting. Unfortunately, not all were ready to listen to Sy when she told us to stay back while she lured the ogres one by one, as she had done when the two of us were down there. Several times things became hairy, but we were with enough to overcome these problems. Still, I liked it better with her and me alone there, there was too many male egos down there. In the end, we even managed to find and kill the ogre chieftain. When we came back into the sunlight, some of the guys went to turn in the head of the chieftain. At first, I wanted to join them, but I remembered that Sy had promised me to show me some nice quiet places, where I might take Thaïs. Sy took me to the pond near Haven castle. It took us a short, steep climb up, but it was worth the effort. That place is indeed one of the most beautiful places I know. I will take Thaïs there sometime, but not just now. Sy told me she had been there with Thaïs as well, so there will be memories for my love there, that should stay hidden. When enough time has passed, it will be alright to go there.
When we came through Hlint, there were some people asking for help. Sy immediately agreed to help them out. I told her it was fine, I was dead tired anyway. I made her promise she would stay well so she could show me the other place she mentioned.
I went into the Inn to get a beer and a room. At a table, Silool was sitting, accompanied by some guy named Lan and another called Justain. I agreed to join them for a beer or two. While I tried to make sense of what they were talking about – women problems, having children, having cows and dogs – we were joined by an elfish woman with an impossible name. I could not even manage to remember her nickname. They all started talking in elfish, which complicated things even more. When I noticed I had missed at least some minutes of the conversations, I stood up and said farewell. I was so tired, I could not think or talk straight anymore. I got myself a key to a room, and somehow managed to reach the room before I collapsed to a dreamless sleep.
10
« on: November 24, 2005, 11:56:00 AM »
I was on my way to the crafting hall when I saw Sy. Actually, it was her who saw me, and she indicated she needed to talk to me. We sat on the bench across from the smith.
Sy had some really bad news, news that will devastate my love Thaïs. Sy has met yet another time with the soul mother, who let her know that the next time she will claim Sy’s soul for good. She told me her time here is almost over, and the time that remains she will spend with Annun and Annun alone. Contrary to what she told me before, she will end her relation with Thaïs as soon as possible.
Sy’s news made me very sad. Not just for Thaïs, who will have another bad time when she will be told, but I also felt sad for Sy herself. These past few weeks I have grown to like her, despite all her shortcomings, and I realized that I will miss her immensely. I asked her, almost begged her to change her ways and become more careful while fighting, but she said she could not, it is not who she is. I guess she is right there, and it will have to be this way, but it made me angry.
I asked her if she could help me with my trainings, accompanying me to some place like Haven mines. I could use the training, and figured she would go anyway, and this way I could at least watch over her a bit. I guess if she heard me saying that, she would laugh at me, but it is how I felt. I bought a big load of healing potions just for this purpose.
Just when we were about ready, I saw Abi in the Wild Surge Inn. I arranged with Sy to meet near Haven mines and sat down with Abi at a table in private. I wanted to know what she had meant when she said she did not want me to thank her and Angela for helping out Thaïs. She explained that their part of curing Thaïs had been too small for that. She also thought Thaïs might not be cured, since she apparently still loves both Sy and me. I tried to reason with her that that has nothing to do with Thaïs being cured or not, but she would not listen to me. She then managed to shock me beyond reason by telling me that she as well had slept with Thaïs, before she had offered to help us with Angela. At first I was speechless, but then I asked her if she really thought that she shouldn’t have told me before. It wasn’t relevant, she said. Not relevant! How could she think this!? Trying to calm me down, she said she hadn’t loved Thaïs, merely made love to her. Well, that didn’t calm me down, but I let it pass. There was nothing to be gained by quarreling with this woman. I told her I intended to make Thaïs forget about loving others, including Sy. Abi said she didn’t like Sy, and before long I found myself defending her. A month ago I would have laughed if I had been told I would be doing this, but here I was. Life’s paths can have strange turns sometimes. When we said our farewells, Abi said she would keep an eye on things, and I thanked her for that. What else could I say?
I walked to Haven, and found Sy waiting in front of the mines entrance. We went in and fought our way through a lot of ogres. They all went down before us. Sy managed to stay alive, and I gave her a potion when the wounds were too many on her. We acted well as a team. Strange turns indeed. When we had had enough, we walked back to Hlint. I bought her a few beers, after which she was on her way again. On leaving, I hugged her, and said I hoped she stayed well. She smiled, and left.
11
« on: November 20, 2005, 06:26:00 AM »
When Thaïs woke up, I gave her the bow Sy had given me. She wanted to try it out, so we cleaned out the Hlint crypts from the rats that live there. Thaïs was doing very well with the bow, and she seemed to enjoy it immensely. She hit almost everything she aimed at. When we were all done, we looked at each others eyes, and found eagerness there. We went back to the room in the Inn, and made long and good love.
12
« on: November 20, 2005, 06:26:00 AM »
Thaïs and I decided to find some adventure. Near Fort Llast we met Angela, Abi and Silool, and they wanted to join us. We thought it a good idea to get some more people in our little group before we went out, so we traveled to Hlint to find some. We did find more people, but unfortunately not all of them were ready to go to the Haven mines, where we had planned to go. Ireth was standing near the benches, and had decided it was a good time to spill her guts. Apparently, she had had some trouble with a paladin who had seduced her, or whom she had seduced. Thaïs seemed to know her, and tried to help her, but I’m not sure she really wanted help. But it did make my Thaïs very sad. When I took her apart and asked what was wrong, she refused to tell me more than that Ireths story had made her sad. She even walked out on me, only to return to Ireth and her story.
I had a short talk to Abi about Thais and me. I thanked her again for her help, without people like her, Thais would not have been healed. But Abi appeared not to be so sure about things. Unfortunately, there were too many people around, and I didn’t want to leave Thais alone, so I could not find out what it was that was bothering Abi. I must try to find her soon, so I can hear her out on her doubts.
At some point Angela and Abi took over the talk with Ireth, which freed up Thaïs. We managed to find some other people to come along with us. Even Sy had come, and wanted to join. At first, I didn’t feel like going with her and Thaïs at the same time, but it worked out well in the end. She fought like a tiger in the caves, and saved most of our lives once or twice. We killed a lot of ogres, and found some gold as well. I even managed to mine some iron ore. Outside the mines, everybody left, until only Sy, Thaïs and I were left. It took Thaïs quite some time to say her farewells to Sy. I surprised myself by not minding that too much. I felt that Thaïs would come with me despite Sy, and that she would forget about Sy when we were alone.
Thaïs did forget about Sy, especially when we took a room in the Wild Surge Inn. We didn’t lose much time getting all over each other. It was as if we had had to miss each other for too long. After the love making, Thaïs fell asleep in my arms. I could not find sleep, as my mind could not get away from the changes in our lives during these last few weeks. I left Thaïs asleep in our room, and went outside to get some fresh air.
It was not the air I caught, but Sy’Ravenne. We had a long talk about our relationships with Thaïs. She appears to have changed quite a bit, she says its Annuns influence. Whatever the reason, she seems more pleasant this way. She gave me a suit of armor, so I was better protected when I needed to protect Thaïs. What struck me on this was that her gift showed that she really did care about Thaïs, and was even willing to help me so I could better protect Thaïs. She also asked me to give Thaïs an oak bow that she had promised her.
Sy is going to move to dregar with Annun, so she will be less around. I guess that is good for me, I only hope it’s good for Thaïs as well. At least Sy told me she avoids being around Thaïs when I am with her. I told her I would do the same, there’s no need to get in each other’s hairs. We all know where we stand. Sy explained what her plans are with Annun, and with Thaïs. She realizes that she only loves Annun fully, and that she wants to end her relation with Thaïs. She had though about whether she should end it quick or slowly. I told her that it’s probably better for Thaïs not to rush it but prepare her bit by bit. Sy had already decided that she would do that. I hope it works out as well as it sounded. Then she left, she was meeting with Annun. I thanked her for this talk, it had been a good talk. The path I’m on with Thaïs got a bit clearer again today.
13
« on: November 14, 2005, 07:51:00 AM »
I still cannot believe it, but the worst must be over now for Thais. I think my love has been healed.
I woke up with an ominous feeling. I had to find Thais, I sensed I should be with her, that she needed me. I searched everywhere, but I found no sign of her. I went from Hlint to Leilon, to Haven, and Krandor. I did not see her in any of these places. Then, when I was about to decide whether I should end this quest, I saw Vivian west from Hlint. I asked her if she had seen Thais, but no, she had not. She was going south to Fort Hope to aid a friend of hers. She said it was also the place where she had last seen Thais, not more than a few days ago. While Vivian continued her journey, I took out the map I had made of my travels with Thais. Looking for Fort Hope on it, my eye fell on Port Hampshire, the place where Thais had had her terrible nightmare. Was Thais whispering to me that this was the place to look? I went there at once.
At the outskirts of Port Hampshire, I saw Thais sitting on a hill, but she wasn’t alone. Vivian, Sy’Ravenne and another woman I didn’t recognize were with her. I went to them, and asked Thais if she was allright. She looked confused, as if she had to search the depths of her memories, but then seemed to remember me. From what she said, and what Vivian told me, this was neither the Thais I had been around lately, nor the Thais that was in love with Sy. It appeared that this was the Thais that I had met at first, all this time ago, and that had hidden in her mind since the nightmare. Vivian did a marvelous effort to talk to Thais, to calm her down, make her see what had happened to her. The other woman, Cray, a friend of Vivian, left us.
Vivian then took my hand and Sy’s hand, and we took Thais’ hands. I tried very hard not to disturb Thais in any way, not to rush her, or to frighten her. Sy on the other hand was her obnoxious self, constantly teasing her, seducing her. I have never in my life shown as much constraint as that night. I wanted to punch her out, make her behave as she should, while Vivian did her job, but I didn’t. I knew that if I had done that, Thais would have been lost to me. The whole exercise was clearly very hard on Thais, but Vivian could calm her down. Vivian helped Thais to remember things about me and Sy, and asked her who she loved. My heart missed a few beats waiting for the answer. Thais said she loved both of us, and that I had made her choose between the two of us. I remember that night clearly. The shock of Thais’ love for Sy had been so fresh, I couldn’t have done it any other way. But I now understand that this had damaged Thais in no small way. She could not choose, but I had made her. So she chose both of us, thereby messing up her mind even further.
Vivian wanted to know if Sy could share Thais, and she said she could, that she always had said so. But she could not give true love, for she had promised that to Annun. I had been dreading the question, but of course it came. Vivian asked me if I could share Thais. I could not declare right out that I couldn’t, that would mean I’d lose Thais. So, although I still could not imagine Thais loving another while she also loved me, I did see that it was the only way Thais would love me -- for now.
Vivian tried to convince me that it was very possible for Thais to love both me and Sy with her whole heart. She compared it to me fighting a battle with whole my being, and then the next day fighting another battle, and giving all of me again. But that didn’t sound right to me. If you want to compare love to a battle, you should compare it to a war, fighting many battles, but the war will have a single enemy. But still Vivian persisted. Love is endless, she said, so Thais can give her love to me, totally, while doing the same with Sy. I don’t know, I’m still not fully convinced, but what I do see is that I cannot ask of Thais that she be true to me only. It is not my choice to make, it is hers. That I have learned from this. I am not sure if I can keep on loving Thais if she doesn’t give up Sy, but I will try. I will try hard, and at the same time love her such that she will forget about Sy and her pleasures.
That was it. I saw that Thais was exhausted, but she looked much better, more whole. There was a familiar sparkle in her eye. Vivian let Thais keep the holy symbol of Ilsare that she had given her. It might offer her comfort. Vivian gave all three of us her blessing and took her leave. The rest was up to us now. Surprisingly, Sy said Thais should go with me. Obviously, I didn’t object, and let her say goodbye to Thais. Although that goodbye did seem to last an hour or so.
Thais and I went into town, to the same inn as we had been when Thais had the nightmare. I rented us a room and got a few bottles of beer. I guess Thais hadn’t seen that I also took the bottles, because when she joined me in the room she surprised me with a couple of bottles as well. Needless to say we had quite some fun. It took a few minutes for the ice to break for me, but Thais did a marvelous job raising the heat. Well, her affair with Sy hasn’t affected her passion for me, that is one thing I’m sure of.
After we made love, we laid there in each others arms. I had time enough to let my mind wander on the difficult choices that lie on our path. One thing has become clear to me, above all other things. I have been far too self-centered in my dealings with others, especially with Thais. Even when it became clear to me that she was suffering from some illness, I thought first about what that meant to me. I will need to change that, try more to become a person that people will respect or, in the case of Thais, love. And if I do that right, she will love me and will have no need for another lover.
14
« on: November 05, 2005, 03:19:00 AM »
Things have cleared up a bit between Thaïs and me. I found her sitting on the benches in Hlint, as I did before. But then it had been the dark Thaïs, now it was the lovely Thaïs again. I didn’t approach her immediately, instead I watched her from behind the tree for some time to be sure it was her. When I finally did approach her, she fortunately didn’t reject me, and even seemed glad to see me. I expressed my regrets that I had treated her as I had, by not trusting her, not really listening to her, instead only accusing her of things that she hadn’t done at all. She listened to me, and let me say the things I needed to say. I saw she was still wearing the ring I had given her. I was so happy that she did. I tried to see if it made her glad as well and only then I saw something was wrong with her. She seemed to be in pain, and held her arms around her belly, hugging herself. It was clear that this wasn’t something to discuss there and then, so we walked to the courthouse, where we found a quiet place to talk. Even that short walk she could not manage without me carrying her.
Thaïs told me that she knew something had happened to her, but she had no recollection of what it had been exactly. I suspect it had somehow to do with her other self. I explained her that I had met her darker side, and told her how I now thought of her affliction. She seemed shocked, and didn’t seem to grasp it fully, instead clinging to the thought that she is possessed. Whether she is right or I, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that Thaïs needs healing and protection, and I renewed my promise to her to protect her from harm. That seemed to make her happy. She even kissed me. And though that did make me happy, I couldn’t return the kiss with the passion I felt. Looking at her, as she looked at me, made me realize I did love her, love her more than anything. But I cannot give in to that. We must take it slowly, and most of all keep our focus on finding a cure. I should think with my head, not with my heart now. Loosing myself in my feelings for her will cause me to drop my guard, and will bring certain failure. And I should not fail her, cannot fail her.
We went to the temple to find a cure for the wounds she had suffered the day before. The priestess that answered Thaïs’ call, Vivian, walked with us to the Inn, where she took Thaïs in for an examination. Vivian seemed to be dedicated to find out what is ailing Thaïs, and I found myself trusting her. But before Vivian could do the examination properly, she needed to be somewhere else. We agreed upon a time we would meet her again at the Inn. Thaïs and I would in the mean time try to avoid the common room of the inn. Instead we went back to the courthouse, which we again found to be empty. We spent some time together, talking, holding hands. It felt good to be there with her.
Then it was time again to go back to the inn. I helped Thaïs walk back to the inn. Unfortunately, we did not only meet Vivian but also Sy’Ravenne in front of the inn. That wench immediately started to force herself on Thaïs, and tried to lure her away from me and Vivian. She even kissed Thaïs before I could pull her away. I asked Vivian to take Thaïs inside while I had a talk with Sy. This confused Thaïs, and it even seemed to hurt her. It was however not a good place and time to confront my love with Sy. When they had gone in, I tried to explain the situation to Sy, but she showed no interest, and instead went inside after Thaïs and Vivian. I followed her quickly. Inside, Vivian explained to Sy that she had to talk with Thaïs. It became clear that these two women knew each other. Sy seemed to trust Vivian and agreed to wait. I went in with Thaïs and Vivian. Thaïs seemed very upset with the confrontation with Sy. I hadn’t made it easier for her by keeping Sy away, and arguing with her all the way. Then Thaïs let out a sigh and fainted. When Vivian examined Thaïs, she saw marks on her body that seemed to indicate that Thaïs had been raped, but there were no marks on other parts of her body, as if there hadn’t been a struggle. I was utterly shocked. It fed my feeling that Thaïs’ mind needs to be healed fast, before both her body and minds are destroyed. Vivian examined Thaïs some more, when Thaïs seemed to come by again. The look in her eyes, the first words she mumbled… I feared it would not be the same Thaïs. When she stood up, it was clear that the dark Thaïs had joined us. Vivian seemed to be aware of this, and asked me to leave her. I went out, and found Sy sitting right in front of the door.
I needed to try to explain the condition of Thaïs to Sy. I hoped she would understand and maybe even help me find healing for my love. I was even ready to accept Sy’s love for the other Thaïs. Moreover, I would accept any outcome of the healing of Thaïs, even if that meant that I would lose her to Sy, if the darker side of Thaïs prevailed. But still Sy showed no interest in it. She convinced me that she is not truly interested in Thaïs’ wellbeing. The only thing she wants is having her pleasures with Thaïs. I failed to make her see that that is hurting Thaïs.
When a rational explanation could not convince her, I warned Sy that I had sworn to protect Thaïs, and I would do so if she continued to act in ways that are harming Thaïs. She did not seem impressed by my resolve. Instead, she acted like she had acted before, and boasted that she would take me out any time she would try. Well, I have heard of her battle prowess, and it is very likely that she will be able to beat me in a fight, but that will not keep me from doing my duty.
Vivian came out and asked the both of us to join her inside. She wanted to hear what had happened to the three of us. Thaïs used the opportunity to leave the room. I thought I would risk her fleeing. Sy was doing her utter best to seduce Thaïs to stay. I hoped she didn’t run, but sitting with Vivian and Sy was more important now. I may not get the opportunity again to do so.
I started by telling how I had met Thaïs and how we started liking each other. Sy tried really hard to make us show she didn’t care about that. I then told Vivian about the night Thaïs had the nightmare. I also told her about the demon Thaïs had summoned back when she was a temple maiden, and that that demon had visited her in her nightmare. I told Vivian how that night had changed things between us, and that Thaïs had loved me more intensely after that night. Until Sy came into our lives…
Vivian asked Sy to continue from there. She told her how they had met in the Krandor crypts and had shared a room that night. After a long night and day of making love, Thaïs told Sy her story, and told her of me. Sy had suggested to Thaïs that she needed to talk to me about her. Well, she did, and that got her to the point of where the three of us were in the room in the Inn, and Thaïs told me that she loved Sy as well as me. Sy distorted the happenings of that day in her tale to Vivian. Things got a bit more chaotic then, and at some point, Sy’Ravenne got up and left the room. Vivian and I ran after her. Outside, my fears had become true; Thaïs was nowhere to be seen. Quickly, Vivian and I tried to stop Sy, to convince her to finish her story, but we both failed. We ran after her, but lost her quickly.
Back at the temple in Hlint, Vivian said she would not run after Thaïs or Sy. That is was my part to bring the both of them back to her, to let her continue her work. I was disappointed that she didn’t see that Sy was only destroying Thaïs. I told her I would try to bring them back.
Knowing that I would have little chance of finding them both now, and feeling completely broken by all the discussions I had had, I went back to the Inn, and got a room.
I think I cannot convince Sy to help me find healing for Thaïs. She’s made it clear to me she only wants to have her pleasures. But I know these pleasures are only making things worse for Thaïs, and they have to be stopped. And to stop these, Sy has to be stopped. Of that, I am now convinced.
Tomorrow, I will start looking for Thaïs, the Thaïs I love. When I have found her, I will talk to her and together we will decide what to do next.
15
« on: October 30, 2005, 04:44:00 AM »
I woke up and found a note in my pocket. It’s from Abi. She writes that Angela is now convinced that both Thaïs’ are one and the same, be she can't prove it. And that she, Abi, will continue to work on the case.
Maybe they are indeed dedicated to finding out about Thaïs, it has all signs pointing to it now. I’ll for now assume they do, and try to get the other possibilities out of my mind. I really must do so, and I will really try hard. But it’s better I do not see either of them. It will be better for them, and for me.
16
« on: October 30, 2005, 04:44:00 AM »
From the smith I went over to the pond behind it. Standing there, I suddenly heard Thaïs’ voice, apparently talking to someone else. I immediately hid behind the building, and tried to hear what they were talking about. I soon heard, and saw, that it was Angela, talking to Thaïs, and not much later they were joined by Ravenne. They were all sooo very nice to each other, hinting about things they had done together, and talking about how they weren’t angry at each other anymore. And when Thaïs suggested that they’d do an ladies-only to the haven mines, Angela and Ravenne didn’t try very hard to discourage that. For Ravenne, I can understand that. She doesn’t yet know about Thaïs’ condition. But Angela! I thought if she really believed Thaïs to have these two persons inside her mind, she would have tried to discourage going to those dangerous mines. It is just plain stupid to take along a person that can change into this uncertain, timid person like the Thaïs that did want to talk to me. Only when she didn’t believe that, and was just playing the game with Thaïs, would she act like this. It fit the way she tried to ignore me last night as well.
The three of them went to the temple, I guess to get some potions there. I again hid behind a building, but this time I couldn’t hear what they were saying. Suddenly, they left that place, and I lost them. I was afraid they already left for Haven mines, so I waited a few minutes to give them a head start, and ran there. I went inside the mines, but stopped when I saw an ogre around the corner. Obviously, the girls hadn’t been there, or there would be either ogre bodies, or worse, their bodies on the floor. Figuring that they were still around Hlint somewhere, I sneaked out and ran back.
Getting to behind the bank in Hlint, I found that I had been right. I found them standing there, and they had been joined by two other women, Ranéwin and Ireth. So, they are in it as well… They left for Haven mines, and I followed them from a safe distance. I needed to know what they were talking about, and try to get some prove that Thaïs, Angela, and maybe others as well, are deceiving me. They stopped right before the entrance to the mines and talked about something that had happened to Ireth that the others were congratulating her with. I couldn’t figure out what, but apparently it would make some “Brit” happy. I had found a good hiding place behind the house opposite the road from the mine entry. Then they entered the mine. I thought about what to do for a minute or so, but I knew I had to follow, even though it could get me killed, or leave me exposed to them.
Again, I gave them a head start, and entered. I followed the way down, and found several ogre bodies, and none of them. Apparently they could handle a few of those monsters. A few times, I saw Thaïs bent over the ogre bodies, looting them. But she didn’t see me looking at her. But then, some time later, when they had gone deeper into the mines, Sy came running in my direction. I couldn’t hide quickly enough, so she saw me. Angela, who was running behind her, also saw me standing there. I asked her what she thought she was doing, thinking of how she had taken Thaïs with her, and she replied with a steel face that she was getting iron for Sy. I was completely stunned by such a bold answer. Then, Sy called “the girls” and they all went back to the entrance. Thaïs was the last one to pass me. She couldn’t stop herself from telling me again to get lost. It took all my strength to keep myself from hitting her to the floor. There is still a chance that she is just ill… I went outside as well, but I heard an ogre following me. I couldn’t outrun it, so I turned and attacked it. I nearly lost my life, but I managed to slay it before it could do me.
I knew that that night, there would be a masquerade party in the Leilon Inn. I thought there would be a good chance I would find all these women, or at least some of them there. Maybe I could recognize them by their voices, and find out more about them from listening to their talk. I bought myself a costume and some bandages that I put around my head, posing as a mummy.
I had never been to the Leilon Inn, and found it to be a very nice place. If I didn’t have to be so careful of being recognized and looking for Thaïs or one of these women, I could have liked the place. Instead, I felt totally out of place, and had a bad time. Some people tried to have a conversation with me, like this sparsely clad woman with an animal mask on, but I was too busy eavesdropping. Then, suddenly, I heard someone mention the name Thaïs. I think, trying to follow their conversation, it was Angela and Abi. Angela said she had found Thaïs earlier, and that she was wearing her dress, but she didn’t recognize Angela. The rest I could not hear because of the noise of the room. This was maybe some good news, though. It could mean that Angela and Abi were still on the trail, and were really trying to find out about Thaïs. That, or they had seen through my mask, and found it necessary to delude me even further by acting is if they were. I knew that I wouldn’t find definitive prove there, that there always will be some doubt about their true intentions. I had to leave that place, couldn’t stay any longer, not with all these people having fun around me. It made me feel terribly alone.
I realized I have started to miss Thaïs, miss her wit, her smile, her touch. But I cannot have that now. That other side of her hates my gut, and I fear to risk being exposed to her foul words. I hope Abi reaches me soon with good news.
17
« on: October 29, 2005, 06:11:00 AM »
Returning from a mining run to the red light caves, I found Thaïs sitting on the bench in front of the bank. I ran to her immediately and asked her how she was, that I had been concerned about her well being. She reacted cool as ice, saying it was too late for me to worry about her. When I was thinking about what she meant by that, she told me to stop pestering her and get lost. I was so shocked that I still didn’t see what was happening. Only when I had ran away to the smith shop, it dawned on me that she had been wearing a short dress that left little to the imagination, and that the expression on her face had been different from yesterday. But despite that, I was sure it had been Thaïs, the same person, and not someone else. The little gestures she made, the lines of her face, impossible that this had been someone else…
18
« on: October 29, 2005, 06:11:00 AM »
I have to put my hands to use, or else my mind starts wandering into dark places. Well, I met some guy named Silphir who wanted to go into the crypts, for he had to find some essence for the undertaker. Talk about dark places… Well, at least it forced me to think of something else. We covered the whole crypt, but there was no essence to be found. Either someone else had already recovered it, or we didn’t look into the right places.
Back in Hlint there seemed to be a gathering of orcs. While I was looking at them, Angela walked past. She asked me if I had seen Thaïs already, after she had run from me, which of course I didn’t. I wanted to ask her if she had found anything, or had even seen Thaïs, but she seemed to be preoccupied with something, and ignored me mostly. Had I made the right decision asking her to help me and Thaïs? Maybe she wasn’t as dedicated to finding the truth as I had thought. Or, could it be that…. she was toying with me as well, playing the game together with Thaïs? That both were deceiving me? Ahhh, if only I knew what was the truth! This uncertainty is crippling me. I am seeing traitors everywhere. If it takes too long I will go mad as well!
19
« on: October 29, 2005, 06:10:00 AM »
I found Thaïs rather quickly. I was too upset to talk to her in Hlint, and told her to follow me outside to a quieter place. Of course she still denied loving or knowing Ravenne, she even told me she hadn’t talked to Angela in a long time. She acted very unsure of herself, but I could not feel sorry for her, not with the knowledge I had. She told me she loved me, but I couldn’t love her back. Not then. The words of Angela about Thaïs still loving Ravenne did not go away, they stayed where they were; right between me and Thaïs. When I confronted her with the things I had learned talking to Angela and Ravenne, she started crying. She felt as if some great wrong was being done to her. Well, I would have cried, if I could, for I was convinced that great wrong was done to me.
But then things started to change, in a subtle way. Thaïs started exploring possible explanations for what I made to be her behavior. Maybe the demon that visits her in her dreams had something to do with it, maybe she was possessed? Another possibility we explored was that someone is pretending to be her, and trying to drive Thaïs and me apart. But this imposter had to know Thaïs very well, for I am sure I met her. And loved her. This I also told Thaïs who was taken aback by that. She then made everything even harder for me when she told a true thing; that if this was true, and there was another person pretending to be Thaïs, I had liked and loved that person, not her.
Thaïs seemed to cling to the idea that there must be a double in Hlint. I could not help having great doubts about that. I kept hearing this voice in my head that this was all nonsense, and that Thaïs was just toying with me, that there was no imposter. I fear this voice is not going to go away. I wanted to believe that Thaïs in innocent in this; I just couldn’t, not then.
By that time the rain had become quit heavy, and lightning was striking near. We went back to Hlint, to continue our talk in the Inn, with some meal and drinks. But then we ran into Angela, just in front of the Inn. I thought maybe she could shed some light onto the matter, or at least she could see with her own eyes that this Thaïs was not the Thaïs she was telling me about. I don’t know, but it could be just something that helped me get a better picture on the matter. Angela agreed to go inside with us, and hear our story. When we sat down in the back of the common room, another woman, who was introduced as Abi, joined us as well. Angela gave me the impression it was someone she knew well, and maybe could offer a hand. Although I did not know this woman, she had this air around her that made me trust her. So, where normally I would never have done such a thing, I found myself allowing her to sit at our table.
It became clear to Angela soon that this was not the same person she had met before, who told her she still loved Sy. Thaïs told her the last time she had met Angela was when we discussed going to Pranzis with her sister, Angelica. Apparently, Abi and Angela had been hunting with Thaïs the night before, but Thaïs had no recollection of that, or pretended not to have. We tried to explain the events, but could not reach a conclusion. I then remembered the scar that Thaïs had gotten when she had been attacked by Ly. Surely that should prove something. I had seen the scar on this Thaïs’ neck, even though it should have been the other Thaïs who’d been attacked. This stuck to my mind, but neither Angela nor Abi thought it evidence of one theory or another. What I thought it proved, I don’t know, but I felt it was important.
Thaïs told the other women the story of her past, how she had summoned her father and was thrown out of the temple of Rofirein. She said she thought her being weak at that time was one of the reasons that all this was happening to her. I did not want her to say such a thing. This was all done to her, not by her. She is not to blame for the misfortune that has befallen her, it’s the demon she summoned, or the priests of the temple. Or even both. But not Thaïs.
Abi suggested that she could find this other Thaïs and give her a scar without her even knowing it. The real Thaïs, this Thaïs, would not get the scar, and when we would meet again after Abi had scarred the other Thaïs, that would be easy to see. That is, if there are indeed two separate people. She had me pick the location of the scar. How could I choose? Since I was still convinced that there was a good chance there was no other person, that it was somehow Thaïs herself, this meant I was going to let someone scar the woman I had loved. And, if fate allowed it, would love again. After a long pause I said that she could put that scar on Thaïs’ back. At least it would not maim her on a visible place.
That was all agreed. Thaïs did not object to it, even though I saw she found it difficult. And it was all we could do for that night. Abi and Angela promised to do their investigations. So, where did that put me? Angela had made it clear the other Thaïs would not want to see me, she maybe even hated me. What can I do to help? Nothing, just sit and wait until either of these women reports back to me. But I felt I also had to add my part. I remembered the ring I had found earlier in the goblins cave. If I gave it to Thaïs, I felt this somehow would help things. If someone would meet the other Thaïs and see that one also had the ring… or, if the other Thaïs would let that ring disappear… I don’t know exactly, but at the time it felt like a good idea. So, I told Thaïs I had something to give to her, something to remind her of me when I wasn’t there and she would feel afraid or alone. I gave her the ring, she took it, and tears welled up in her eyes. She started to say something, but could not. She stood up and ran away. I had not thought it would provoke such a strong reaction from her. If I had known… no, I should not have done it. When I realized what had happened, I ran after her. Maybe I could explain better what I meant with it. Angela called me back, but I ignored her.
Leaving the Inn, I almost knocked Ravenne over. By the time I had told her I had no time to talk to her, Thaïs was gone, nowhere to be seen. Feeling terribly sad, I went back inside, to the two women. I explained why I had done what I had, and they told me in without using the words, that I was a fool, that it had been the wrong thing at the wrong time. What could I say? I saw that now as well, but it was done, and could not be undone.
I expressed again my concern that there might not be a double, that all this was Thaïs alone. Abi then made a suggestion that sent me reeling. Thaïs might be, she said, someone with two minds, each not knowing that the other exists. Could this be? Was there such a thing possible? It would clear the Thaïs I had loved from everything bad that she had done. But, on the other hand, it would also mean that Thaïs is ill, very ill. Some illness not treatable by any normal means, something a priest should treat. At least it would explain things that the other suggestions couldn’t, in my mind. Like the scar. Like the mood changes I had seen in Thaïs.
Angela and Abi said they will start investigating, and will get back to me when they have some news. So, now I am supposed to lay low until that time? I don’t know if I can.
20
« on: October 26, 2005, 11:55:00 AM »
I am lost. I could never have thought that love is this painful. I am now almost sure Thaïs is not for me. I will seek her out now and demand of her an explanation. There is still some hope in me that I am wrong, and that somehow the information I have is not what it seems.
When I stepped out of the Inn, I saw Angela entering the gates of Hlint. I wanted to know if she had talked to Thaïs, and gotten some insight into Thaïs’ behavior. Well, she had talked to Thaïs, and had heard some disturbing things. Disturbing for me, that is. Thaïs had told her that she not only knows who Sy’Ravenne is, but that she still loves Sy. I got the feeling Angela had been told more by Thaïs, but she didn’t say much else. Had to run to find someone.
I really need to talk to Thaïs now. Hear her side of things, before I start doing things I might regret later.
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