*Michaelis sits near Haft Lake on the very bench he sat on a few weeks earlier. His face is rather thoughtful, but his eyes are heavy. The day is rather pleasant compared to other days, though the gray sky still persists. The following are his thoughts, writings, and reflections and as such they are not spoken aloud. He is alone this day, wearing the average man’s clothes – leather garments dyed in a light gray and blue.*
The issue with the Rofireinites has brought many questions to my mind. Ortheus responded to the letter I wrote and his answer, while somewhat predictable, also surprised me. I spoke of Jennara and he made it clear that he’ll have nothing to do with the Rofireinites. Yet Jennara he mentioned, was acting more like a Toranite in his eyes from what I spoke of her regarding Roldem. He wishes to meet with her, myself, and perhaps others present if I so choose. She is a sweet girl. If I recall correctly, her continual waving of the Dragon’s banner symbolizes her as a Knight of the Wyrm. She is dedicated to the cause no doubt. Yet what cause I wonder. There are too many people within the Dragon’s order that care only for the state of law a land has and little for what is actually morally correct so I’m told. I feel her different however and I am inclined to ask more about these “knights.” Perhaps my judgment and Ortheus’s is based solely on Tormand’s actions, though the trial of Navarre would disprove that. Yardislan also comes to mind *he taps his chin thoughtfully.* Tarradon. I haven’t seen him in some time.
If ever there was a time…a time for the order to show what we are about and whom we serve it is now. I will serve as an example, as pure as I can muster. I will not be caught drunk. I will not womanize. I will care little of my own wealth. I will get on my knees and serve these people not in a noble’s attire. I will not walk around blindly shouting Toran’s name. No. That is not the way. Instead I will serve…I will try my hardest to feed, to protect them. I will show them that this is who we are! It is righteousness that we serve. Not blind law.
I will travel…from place to place if need be to show as best I can who Toran really is and what he really stands for. But this tears me apart. This whole issue. My life could be perfect. I don’t know what to do. She could give me everything. Everything I’d ever want or ask for. Everything any man would ever want. A warm home…a mansion even…children…land. Everything. And yet I wonder.
I can not forsake these people. But would I if I chose such a life? She would argue no. I know she loves me dearly, but I can not ask her to wait. Damn it. Why am I forced to choose this!
Who am I to have such a life, while others starve? Who am I to live well. And yet I would shun the warmth of a fire and a good woman to live in the cold. *It now begins to rain a bit, but it was a quick shower, passing swiftly on.* I know her intentions are for me. I love her dearly. I know what she asks of me, and oh how I wish to give it! Oh how I do! But can I? Can I really give it?
She felt the amulet I wear around my neck won out sometime ago. I remember the snow falling hard in Prantz the day before we were to depart east to search for Navarre. I took the amulet off for the first time in Toran knows how long and handed it to her. It was all I could do, almost a second reaction to her words. “This is why I fight” I recall saying. Not for this gold symbol, though it reminds me of his truth. But for her. Perhaps that day was a pledge to her, though no official word of such by me was given. Yet I am pledged to her in a way. Would she wait if I asked her to? I know the trials we’ve faced together and yet this will be the hardest that any should have to face, perhaps even more so than what Seilon had faced. Yet what will happen to her? I can not bear her being alone. She will not turn into what Seilon became. Please don’t let that happen. Please don’t. You are the light and the way, what most men only read about. Please. Will she be ready?
In her eyes or mind all must be fine as I hadn’t brought it up. At least in some time. But I can not abandon her. I couldn’t live with myself if I did. Why must I be so Torn! This hurts. Toran what should I do? Is there any middle ground to this? Forgive me, but I can not hide these desires in my heart. See them! Please see all of me, the good, the lust, everything I have. See it all! Here I am! Take this heart! Take it! Take it all!
It would kill me inside to leave her. I know the pain she’d feel. Would she travel with me? Would she wait for me? She has waited before, but this is different. I don’t know how long this all will last. I wish I didn’t have to choose. That life could go on as it is with us.
Can it? Why can’t I serve the cause with her by my side? She would. I know she would. She wishes a family. She wishes to settle at a time when I feel I’m needed most.
I know her. I know her all too well. If I had to stop this. If I had to end this, she wouldn’t feel. She would…she would…I can’t! I can’t end it! I will not lose her. But I can not give her the life she wishes. The life that I wish. Not yet. Would she wait? Would she? Should she?
