Journal of Rodlin Serim

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*It has been a couple of days as Rodlin passes the area where Yar left this world*

*He stops, picks a daisy from the area, places the flower in his journal, wipes a tear from the page, and trudges on*

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*rips the page out*

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*rips the page out*

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*Thanks about home as he walks along a ridge*

I wonder how grandfather is doing. He is the one that I miss the most. He is the only person that I would care to go back and see.

Grandfather filled many positions in my life, as a mentor in the arts of archery and woodworking, as a father figure, as a person that I could confide in, someone that was truly proud of my accomplishments. Someday, I shall return to Voltrex and visit him. For him to see me now and for him to see what he created would…he would be so proud. I owe him so much that I cannot even imagine.

Well, maybe two other family members have had some interest in me. This I did not know. Bo’s parents, my aunt and uncle, may have more concern for me then I realize. I may have to see into this from a distance.

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*as he walks along the edge of the forest, he stops briefly and opens his journal to take a few notes just to get some thoughts out*

Dorax and I finally went to blows. He hits like a freakin’ mountain falling on you. It is hard to fight when my backside is holding the grass down. I guess I finally said too much. Either that or he really DOESN’T like smelling like a cow. Truth hurts sometimes. But there are no hard feelings. We will continue to adventure and aid one another.

*chuckles about the episode and rubs his chin*

I am really getting tired of not being able to return home. I honestly miss home. When I left I thought that I wouldn’t miss it and that I had nothing to return to. I have learned that I actually miss my mother. And I definitely miss grandfather. I miss the times that grandfather and I spent in his shop shaping and sanding wood. I miss the smells of the shop. I miss the way grandfather smiles when I did a good job. I even miss his chuckles when the bowstring did not quite make it over the end of the bow and the stave snapped back causing me to lose control of it. I miss our talks that we shared in the shop when no one was around. The stories he told and the advice he gave me.

*he shakes his head and stows the book back in his pack*

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*stops by a lake and throws a fishing line in the water and sits against a tree*

The group is doing well. We have traveled many different areas and have found some interesting things. We have accomplished much and we all continue to grow and learn. Since Yar’s death, Riley has filled his spot. I didn’t think that was possible. If I didn’t know better, I would say that they were brothers. Riley is a very sharp paladin and has a good head for tactics. He is still a bit out of control and needs to learn how to control his blade better and stop knocking me down with it. Poor lad is too strong for his own good. But in time, he will master his sword and will be a powerful weapon.

*laughs to himself*

And then there is Addison. What can I say about her? She is a feisty girl that giggles a lot. I really don’t know much about her or know where she came from. She just showed up one day on the doorstep and we took a liking to her. There is nothing that she won’t face. I am not sure if it is ignorance or bravery. I think she and Riley will be the next to join the guild’s ranks.

*his mood turns solemn as his thoughts turn to home and his grandfather, he just closes the journal and stares at the water for a while*

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*as he prepares to bed down for the night, he breaks out his journal*

I have to write this down in case my mind starts to fell me in my older years. I realize my written thoughts will not get close to the actually experience, but hopefully these words will spark the memories.

I accompanied the High Druid, Rhizome, to the Great Oak! My senses were overwhelmed at the sight, the smell, and the sounds of the area that the Great Oak resides. I cannot describe it in words.

Once there, Rhizome received the Silver Veign Plant from the Hierophant. To imagine the power of this plant and the honor of receiving such a token is staggering. Rhizome received the plant, planted it in the superlative location, and then comforted the Hierophant as she left this world.

The ceremony was a very poignant event and fortifies my faith in the Prince of Wolves. I feel that this event have breathed new life into me.

*closes his journal and doses off quickly with a true feeling of serenity*

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*he flips open his journey as if it has become a nuisance*

There is a reason for my last entry being so long ago. My patience has grown thin and my tolerance for the other races has grown even thinner. I am starting to regret leaving Voltrex. I have made some strong relationships, which only a handful has become what I would call a ‘friend’.

When I was summons to leave Voltrex I was very young. I am still very young in comparison, but the things that I have experienced over the last 12 years have made me grow. I have had dealings with people and monster alike. These dealings, which I would have never dream of, have made me view the world differently. These dealings have changed my attitude towards the other races.

I am less compassionate now than I ever was. At times, I think I couldn’t care less if certain people fell during battle as long as I made it out. This seems sort of evil, but it is a state of mind that I grew into to protect myself from me. I fell a lot, many times more than others. The reason is because of the compassion that I had. I had! Regrettably, my compassion has faded and my heart grows cold. This is something that I am not proud of. This is something that grandfather would not be proud of. However, it has happened.

The manners and politeness that I once had has now faded. I am more withdrawn then ever in my life. The other races that I live around have changed my feelings. I now understand why my ancestors went to Voltrex and why access is so tightly controlled.

I am still fighting the battles that pop up everywhere. I still donate time, energy, coins, equipment and blood to the war against Sinthar Bloodstone. I still aid people in need, not because of compassion, but for my desire to do the right thing. I still seek the time when I can return home and shake my grandfather’s hand. The level of maturity that I have reached from the last 12 long years is so much higher than my peers on Voltrex. They are so naive and in experienced. I feel that, even though I am young, I have transitioned into the early stages of adulthood.

*closes the journal abruptly and tosses it back into his pack*

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*rips the page out*

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*rips the page out*

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*As he approaches his house, he can’t help but to glance over to the hill to see if there is any visitors. After many miles of roaming and thinking about what he has heard and the things that have happened in her life, he starts to come to ease with it. He enters his house and heads straight for his desk.*
   
Hopefully as I write, more thoughts will be settled.

Well, will I stay around and continue to see her or should I cut ties? That is the answer that I need to come up with. However, I can’t really convince myself either way. It really has to be answered by her. And in a way, she has already provided some answers. Perhaps not all in words, but in actions. Words are plentiful and cheap. Any word can be spoken at nearly any time. People can say one thing but do another. Actions are more trusting. The actions are what count.

As hard as it is to say certain things to certain people, ‘honesty’ is the best policy. Honesty in words and actions. She was honest with me, although it obviously pained her greatly. That is admirable! That is also a strong indicator of how she feels about me. *chuckles* Which is also admirable.

She is a mother! Of triplets!! *sits at his desk for a long time after he write the words*

*finally starts to write again*

She told me who the father is. I know little of him but what I do know, it is not bad. I can think of worse. The father is a drow and how all that evolved is surprising within itself. But that is not for me to concern myself with. There is a certain amount of comfort in knowing who the father is. I have nothing against this drow, he has giving me no reason to doubt his ability as a father and a supporter. Anything other than that is beyond my need to know.

She told me that they are no longer together. That is a bit sad. It reminds me of my childhood. My mother and father separated when I was young. But, hey, I turned out ok. *lets out a half hearted chuckle* The children are with him now. I do not necessarily agree with that. I think all children should be with their mother unless the mother is unfit. From what I have seen, this appears not to be the case.

Her drinking on the other hand, to me, I see no sense in it. When someone drinks to get over a problem, the problem is usually still there once the ale is not. More times than not, other problems are generated. I did find her after a long drinking episode. And she was out of her mind. Not a good state to be in. I can see how a person can be taken advantage of. It is sad that people take advantage of other people when they are down, not in their right mind, or in need.

I would like to see the kids. I do not want to infringe on the father, though. I am sure that he is in enough pain right now so I will keep my distance and make no such requests. I can only imagine what he is going through.

*sighs and thinks about what he has wrote*

I am attracted at the same time as repelled. Strange. Personally, I am not ready for this to end. I really like being with her. We all have a past. We have all made mistakes. How can I hold that against her? I can’t. That is not fair. No one can see the future and determine what an action today will affect tomorrow. We can guess and plan, but we still do not ‘know*.

I think it is time to go find her again.

*gives the journal a little twist and he tosses it onto the desk*

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*Walks into his house and into his room. Picks up his journal and plops down in front of the fireplace. Images of her sitting there flashes through his thoughts.*

Every where I look, every where I go, I look for her. She is always in my thoughts and I feel lonely when we are apart. A tracker actually feeling lonely. *shake his head a few quick times* My solitude was my sanctuary. Now, solitude is no longer desired. She has become my sanctuary.

The father of her children caught up to me. I knew he eventually would. It is one sign of my thoughts distracting me. I could tell he was not pleased with me when he made his intentions known. He wanted to kick my tail. *nods slowly as he recalls the tone that was in the drow’s voice* He accused me of being the reason why she left him. In order to help him deal with himself and allow him to vent his frustrations, his hurt, and his anger, I permitted him the opportunity to be his relief. And wow...he vented! The anger and hurt that he had built up came out. And so did my lights She was there off and on and was trying to prevent it from happening. But nothing would have been learned and nothing would have been resolved if it did not occur.

Once I came to, several minutes later, we talked it through. Had some eats, had some laughs, had some juices, had a bit of bonding as well. And for the sake of those present, I won’t mention the group hug afterwards.

Although I was there to help and possibly share some of the wisdom that I was taught and learned along the way, I was taught a few more things. Nyyana, whom I have only met once, maybe twice, was impressive. She spoke with good sense and sound logics. She would truly be an interesting person to get to know and talk to.
               
To a brother ranger and follower of the Longstrider, I am available for counsel. Rather it be a punching bag, which I would rather you use goblins, or to roam with; just say the word. It will get back to me.   

*transfers some quotes into his journal*

Nyyana: "W..when you're losing a battle, you retreat, you reform, and you c..come back with reinforcements, and you face the enemy again." -- Seems simple enough until you are in the thick of things and lose focus of the big picture.

Ash Willo: "Putting out a candle when you're afraid of the dark doesn't help."

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*rips the page out*

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*sits at the base of an Ash tree trying to get his thoughts together*

A case of limerence has me turning every possible way a person can be turned. I have experienced feelings that I have not felt before. Some are good and even great while others are not. It seems for every good feeling, there is a counter feeling. I live in two different states of being. One state of joy, calmness, awe, comfort, euphoria, glee, happiness, peace, and pride. And then, the one of envy, jealousy, nervousness, pain, rage, worry, uneasiness, and confusion.

I would think that the positive feelings would override the negative, but it is not so. She is so friendly and outgoing. And like all the others, the feelings that she has for me will eventually subside and she will grow bored of me. I feel like the trophy stag. Time, patience, endurance, and skill to get close enough to take it. As many times as the hunter gets close, is the number of times the wise stag runs just as the shot is to be taken. Determination grows. The wanting of the win. The excitement of the hunt. The thrill of the stalking. The battle of instincts between the hunter and the hunted. The emotions that are shared between the two. Then one day, the hunter gets hits his target. All the feelings rush away. An emptiness arises. The next trophy must now be hunted.

Being so wrapped up in all the emotions have caused me to lose focus on what really matters. Folian.

*He moves around a bit under the trees to be able to get a clear look at the skies to the east through the leaves and branches. Though the skies are overcast and darkened, there appears to be a clearing that lasts for only a few moments that reveals Rhazzka.*

*he gets to his knees and prays as the revelation is revealed*

I understand. I see your guidance and reminder.*pauses and slumps as if a huge weight was placed on his shoulders*  It was not the answer I was wanting, but I realize that it is the answer I must follow. Longstrider, guide my steps. Help me defend and serve the wood and those within.

*hangs his head as he gets back to the cover of the Ash tree*

*mumbles to himself as if a final plea* I don't want to give her up.

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*as he tacks up the notice in the Crimson Shield Guild hall, his thoughts roam*

The guild has done many great things. From donating 10's of thousands of pounds of weapons, armor and other good to the Mistone Alliance, not to mention the 100's of thousands of coins donated, to selling goods to adventurers and aiding them in their odd jobs around Layonara. The guild has taken an enormous role in every major event.

I am quiet close to the other members and a few, I even call *hesitates as the word is not easily used*
‘friend’. Though I will no longer be a member of the guild, I will not leave the companionship here. I will continue to adventure with them; if they so desire. Truthfully, the guild lacks leadership and direction 90% of the time. Only when these special situations come around do we pull together as a guild.

I do not desire to be with a guild where the leader just up and leaves. Just deserts his responsibilities. To me, he is abandoning his post. That goes against everything that I am about. I over looked it once. Once! I am not going to again. What was worse was the welcome that he received when he returned. *just shakes his head as he recalls certain people’s reactions as he watched them vote ‘the leader’ back* I just sat there is awe.

Anyway, this is the end of my membership with the Crimson Shield.

About the Vakhar...*his mind runs straight into the next topic*...I really enjoy being in the Vakhar. It is made up of people with my own principles, skills, views, and goals. The guild has always done very well in keeping their goals in mind and is usually very active. I have to give credit to Aralin for running the guild. Not bad for a non-ranger. I have had my disagreements with some of the policies, but the guild as a whole decides. And so far, I feel that the decisions that the guild has made have been the correct ones. I am certain that there will be more. I will voice my opinion the best that I can and will allow the guild to determine the best course of action. At this point, I will back any decision that the guild makes. They have given me no reason not to trust them.

During the last outing with the guild, we have made some dealings with the Wolfswood Ranger Corp. I have heard town criers mention the Corp and how the Corp seeks qualified rangers. At this point, this is a very attractive option. I shall pass word to Colonel Enzo, Commander of the Wood, and notify him of my desires in joining the Corp.

Folian has a drastic way of putting wondering followers back on the right path.

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*crawls into an overhang in the cliff to wait out a storm in the forest*

I took Wren to Folian’s Temple via the hidden path. It was is first time to visit the temple. It was an honor and privilege to take Wren to where Glenn was taken when he died. As we were getting ready to climb the vines to the cliff tops, Ash appeared behind us. So many emotions swarmed me, I did not know how to act.

Once at the tops of the cliffs, we discussed the situation in Karthy. The slavery market appears to be open and allowed by the authorities.

As we started along the ridge of the cliff, Ash gave Wren a hug. Totally innocent. I know it was. It is just how Ash is. I cannot believe the feelings that I had at that point. The same ones that I had when I saw her speaking with other men. I know she has been with other men. She has children with Nepp. So why does it bother me so? Maturity level? Age? Am I just so possessive? Things I have not learned about my self. Perhaps this is why the Prince of Wolves is guiding me to the Corps. To age me, to mature me.

As we were about to leave the cliff tops, I told them about me leaving the Crimson Shield and attempting to join the Wolfswood Ranger Corps. They were a bit surprised. I spoke of the leadership problems in the guild and the refocusing of my thoughts in the ways of a tracker and protector of the forests and nature. I do my duties already, but this would be much more intense. Long periods away.

Wren took the fast way done. I found out later, he is fine. No broken bones. Ash and I continued on the Vakhar’s guild hall to use the portal. As we entered the meeting room, I turned to her. I have been fighting this moment for days; trying to come up with the words to say to her. I had to use the right words to convince her, and myself, that our relationship as we know it, has to end. Folian has revealed the path that I must take. I do not question it. I do not necessarily like it, matter of fact, I feel hurt that Folian has made such a request. I feel like he is punishing me for some reason. To give up someone that I was so close to. Ash was obviously hurt. And I did it to her. I have never felt pain like that before. My heart almost ceased as it broke. Ash said that I cannot have a broken heart if I was not in love. If she only knew. Then she left.

*takes a deep breath and looks out from the overhang watching the rain cascade over the edge*

*slowly lets the breath out fighting back the sadness that moment brought*

A few days later, Nepp and I were in Hlint next to the pond. We were messing with Lillian as she was talking living for the moment. She wanted to do things just for her. She spoke of riches and popularity. How other people and creatures had what was rightfully hers. I thought she had gone mad. Then she revealed her source of this line of thought. A person named, Daralith. A male drow that is a follower of Baraeon Ca’Duz. What I know about Ca’Duz is that his domains are death, evil and trickery. His alias is the Prince of Hate. Plus, the other things that Nepp spoke of. I do not think that Lillian knows what she is getting into. I hope that she does not get involved with this Daralith guy and start following the Ca’Duz ways.

Ash came upon us because she had heard that Nepp was dead. Once she learned that he was a live and well, she left again. She did say that she missed her children. This, I was glad to hear.

Lillian made some comments that were a bit out of line. Something like, “It couldn't be more obvious that you have feelings for her.  Yet, you make some lame excuse about needing to focus on the corps.  What a load of ....” I just waved her off and started talking about her being such a “charmer”. I learned a lot more than I expected after that. I invited her to the inn for a drink. As we talked, she told me of her boyfriend, Lyle. I did not know she even had a boyfriend. She told me about her time on slavery and about the product of a decision she had made. She spoke of an ultimatum that she gave Lyle. I was surprised that Lilly had this side to her. We have never really sat down and talked like we did that night. We talked of other things, as well. I got to know Lillian as a person and not just a sword swinger. I admittedly have a new found respect for her.

*as he gets done writing, he notices the storm has passed*

*he stows his journal and heads back out to determine if any major damage had been done to the forest from all the rain*
                     

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*As the meeting is adjorned, he enters the nearest patch of forest for rest*

I was killing time out by the pond outside the house in Fort Hope waiting to go to Dregar for the Vakhar meeting at the guildhall. Aralin, whom happens to be one of my neighbors since we bought the house so many years ago, sends word that the meeting will be at his house. As I enter his house, I ran right into Luna. *takes a deep breathe* I was stunned. I could not move. I cannot remember what I said, it was probably unintelligible whatever it was. There were other things said as well, but frankly, I cannot remember what they were either. She took my hand and led me outside where we decided to conduct the meeting. As we were getting situated, she invited me to sit next to her. My head was still swimming, but accepted her invitation.

*leaves the details of the discussion of the meeting out*

Even though we have not seen one another for the longest time, there is still something there. I just don’t know what. I think that she is.... *trails off*

*tucks the journal away and roams the forest aimlessly lost in thought*