Diary of a curious Elf

[DMOE]

I finished my errand and upon return to Hlint ran into Angela, Mith and shortly afterwards Abi then Jet.  Angela suggested a trip to the direwood caves and by this point a man called Storold and a girl called Ferrit had also asked to come.  Geir walked up and was also invited.  Jet mentioned he would like to search the Burghen’s as he had heard a rumour there may be a new source of iron there.  It was decided we’d do the caves and then the mountains.  Somewhere along the way we picked up Kloss and Lokri and decided to do the mountains first as Mith would need to meditate shortly.
I love the mountains. I love the snow.  I hate the giants and the golems but there you go. It was a funny adventure and we made it to the cave although not the one Jet was seeking and by then Mith had left us although I am sure I will see him soon.  We headed down and discovered another group of adventures with seem to be full of Paladin’s of Toran.  Took difficulty keeping my mouth shut I can tell you!  They had cleared out the cave of anything useful so we headed back up. I was looting as usual and we got a not bad haul including a mystery rock.  Once we got back to Velensk we split the loot and Jet, Angela, Abi Geir, Storod and I head to mine topaz for Abi.  She kindly gave me a bow to use on the way having heard Jet ask if I might wish to buy Jharl’s old one.  She told me to pay her what I though a friend should.   I hope I judge this right but I plan to use it in her defence, give her any topaz or skins I gather and do not need and return to her when I get a better one. That is what I would expect had I said that to a friend.  After the topaz mining Jet and I went to Port Hampshire and meant that bard Daemon in the bank.  I finally managed to sort things out with him and discover who told him about Aranna and to proclaim it.  Oh Mith, you once said you never wished to see my temper, silly man you are.  It seems Mith and a lady called Sable had told Daemon about Aranna and to proclaim when they met him in Velensk.  I will have words with Mith and not ones he will like! Jet had to meet Jharl and I need more arrows which thankfully Daemon was carrying so that was handy.  I then went to the craft hall to discover the rock was a ruby!  I will sell it on behalf of everyone the first chance I get.  I waked back home and put it nice and safe to discover Elladan had left me a mucky rock on my bookcase so head off into Hlint to see how my luck was going.  I bumped into Jet handing in weapons to the Alliance and being all excited and carried away I kissed him as I told him of the ruby.  Mmmm his lips were nice and soft but still I should not have got carried away like that! Synal’dur was also there and ended up having a very strange conversation with Silool who was wishing to offer healing to the Alliance. I gently made my excuse and left before I got too drawn into a conversation.  Jet had commented he needed to gather things for Jharl but would be free after that, I told him I had planned to bathe and then meditate and he was welcome to call and see if I was available when he had done if he wished.
Well my luck did not run through to the second mucky rock so I headed home to dump into Jet just off on his errand.  I apologised for kissing him and explained it was because I was excited.  He was understanding which I am glad off but then it was hardly the kind of kiss between lovers so that probably made it easier. We bid each other goodbye again and I headed home.
As I soaked in the pool I remembered how much I enjoyed being in the mountains.  Maybe I will go there again sometimes soon.  I also remembered what Daemon said about Mith. Hmmmm what to do with you my dark mage? Do I just smack your nose as I would a naughty puppy or do I ask what the plan was first?  Safe to say you will see that temper of mine either way!
Then it was time to meditate and see if I can get these feelings and passions under control or if they will flare up again and cause problems.
Also considering writing to Lady Reventage to enquire if Elladan’s complaint against Remiel will lead to charges against me and what can be done to dissolve my marriage to Brit but I do not know if I am brave enoughto do that yet!

[DMOE]

I was doing a few things at home when there was a knock at the door.  Jet had come to call.  We had a pleasant chat even if I did tease him slightly and he hardly noticed.  AS we were chatting the door went again.  Kloss had call to visit also.  So there we are all sat.  Kloss was upset that he had managed to break a sword while mining and Jet kindly offered to make him another one at a very good price but Kloss had already arranged a replacement.  Kloss had to nip out for a moment and while he was gone Jet decided it was time to leave.  Kloss returned and we chatted for a little while before I excused myself to complete an errand.
Well I did it.  I wrote to Lady Reventage and ask if there was any news of a possible adultery charge and if there is any way to dissolve my marriage, now to just wait!

[DMOE]

I was sat on the bench in Hlint when a dark skinned gentleman with horns began to speak to me.  He was polite enough and it was pleasant conversation.  Elladan arrived while we were talking and the gentleman introduced himself. He had quite a long name but said most call him Max.  Elladan left on some errands and Max left slightly later.  I sat alone on the bench just thinking until Mith walked up.
I asked if I could speak to him privately and we walked by the pond.  I started to explain about the bard and what he had said.  I didn’t listen to him I’m afraid; I let my temper get the better of me yet again and all but ignored his words.  Then I bit him hard on the ear to show my displeasure.  Rightfully so he informed that I was being selfish in my demands and even though I had hurt in more ways than just the bite he did not lash out back.  He’s words and actions made me realise how wrong I had been and I found myself apologising yet again but this time to someone I care about!  I have to sort this temper out.  Mith offered to remove himself and not seek me out but I told him I did not wish that but would understand if he did!  Eventually he accepted my apology but had to run an errand and said he would return to discuss my temper with me at a latter date
I returned to the benches to find Jet in discussion with Plen and a drow lady.  He was discussing his training and the war again.  I joined in and nearly offended him again.  I really should just stop speaking I swear!  Lan arrived and I swapped news with him.  Plen wondered off shortly after I told Lan about Elladan’s complaint.  I discussed the possible adultery charge and both Lan & Jet offered their support.  Although I feel their opinions differed.  Jet left and I continued to talk to Lan about things when I sensed Mith behind me so I offered to kiss his ear better.  Lan asked if he should leave us alone and made some comment about loving like druids.  I laughed and told Lan it was ok.  We chatted a while longer and then Lan excused himself.
I went and kissed Mith’s ear and apologised again.  We started to discuss things when he suggested we went to a little place he knew overlooking Haven. 
When we arrived I tried to explain how my feelings a churning at the moment.  How Remiel made me look at my passions and desires, to accept them.  Mith was very help full and understanding as always and asked if he could help.  I told him if he could stop me sleeping with anyone before this possible court thing it would help!  He made some funny jokes and lifted my mood.  Then he asked me what I expected to get from going to court and to be honest I couldn’t answer.  I thought closure but to be honest it doesn’t matter why he ended it now just that it is over.  Then Mith asked why I was keeping my promise to be faithful.  He explained that as far as he can see Remiel dissolved that promise when he ended it and that I had kept my word until he had ended it.  That no one could expect me to keep my word to someone who did not want me. I admitted this is true but pointed out that I did not want Remiel to be able to accuse me of breaking my word or belittle his word with my actions after it ended.  This he understood  We chatted for a while long before settling into a pleasant silence.

[DMOE]

Walked into Hlint and became involved in a discussion between Nimo and Celgar.  It seemed toget quite heated but eventually it stopped when Nimo left.  Celgar and I were sat on a bench when Jet and then Pendar arrived.  Pendar had been trying to explain money and such to a wood elf. Celgar teased me for a while with Pendar’s held.  Then Celgar suggested a trip mining and I didn’t wish to go so I excused myself. Later I was sat back at the benches and a new person was wondering about.  I smiled and he came over and informed his name was Adonis.  We were chatting and he asked me if I followed a god as he felt I have the spirit of Aeridinin me.  I told him that I call a Paladin of Aeridin brother and this pleased him as he is a Paladin of Aeridin also.  We chatted some more and a man called Jharl arrived and Galen appeared. Adonis mentioned he was trying to find a necklace for the bard in the Wild Surge inn and Jharl suggested we all help so off we went.  It was a fun trip and I even got in close with my sword for a change.  Jharl complimented me and told me I should attend the Arm’s.  I just smiled and said I might as I didn’t fancy mentioning I was supposed to meeting Enzo there.  I walked back into Hlint on my own slightly scratched up and found Ran on the benches. She was very quiet so when Jet walked up I leapt at the chance to go elsewhere and asked him to walk to the Craft Hall with me as he had some gems he didn’t need and they weigh much less once I’ve cut them.  He was so sweet.  He noticed I was slightly battered so I told him what I’d been up to and how it wasn’t really exciting!
I cut my gems and then asked him what he wished to do.  As usual he had no idea and just shrugged and told me where ever I wished to go as Ozy has put a portal in his house.  I commented that I wasn’t sure I could think of anywhere as I get so used to spending my time on the benches in Hlint.  Jet commented that this is a habit we need to break.  The conversation continued and I started to see a slightly different side to Jet.  He flirted with my, only slightly but he did.  He was telling me about a Lake he wishes to show me in Arabel when I realised I’d not eaten in quite a while!  I explained that I was feeling a bit unwell as I’d forgotten to eat and needed to go do something about it.  He told me he would be at home when I had thought of somewhere.
When I felt better I headed over to Jet’s.  He asked me if I had thought of anywhere to travel yet and when I didn’t he invited me to set and chat instead.
We talked of his recent fight with the dragon and how I think he needs to have more faith in himself. I also commented that I think he will be saying needs to keep training for the rest of his life if he isn’t careful. He reminded me of his oath and I asked him what he would do after he had destroyed Tyde.  He told me that he’d fight Blood.  I asked what he’d do once Blood was gone.  He said he would wish to settle down then and start a family.  He admitted that he had been thinking a lot about his training and that his love life had suffered.  That he didn’t have much time to spend with people.  I pointed out that he spends time with me and he told me that he enjoys spending time with me.  I asked him if spending time with me interfered with his training and he commented that it does sometimes but that he can make time to train but can’t always plan when I am around.  He then asked me if I enjoy spending time with him which was fair I suppose! I told him I do enjoy his company and he said he was glad as he’d hate to think he’d been boring me all this time.  I pointed out that he didn’t bore me and that I’d hardly spend time with him if he did.  He replied that he doesn’t always talk much and I did have to admit that is hard for me sometimes.  He said he would try to talk to me more and I told him he must be himself and not change on my account and he agreed with this but said he did wish that he had more to say sometimes as it would easier to make friends.
I had an idea that Jet may be developing feelings for me but this conversation really brought it home. I checked he knows I am at a difficult place right now and that I don’t ever wish to hurt him.  He told me not to worry about hurting him and told him how I’d bitten Mith.  That I’d lost my temper, been mean and didn’t listen.  He told me it was not my fault and I was blaming myself too much for my actions and that Remiel had left me in a bad state.  I pointed out that Remiel had a lot to answer for but they are my emotions and I chose to bite Mith.  But that luckily he had forgiven me for it all and we had talked of my emotions and Mith had helped me understand a few things.  I explained that I no longer care what Remiel says if we go to court. That it no longer matters why he wished me gone.  That if I was honest the only reason it ever did matter was in case there was hope and I no longer wished there to be hope.  That he could walk through Jet’s door right then, explain why he asked me to leave and tell me he still loved me and I would tell him to go.  Jet told meI am a strong woman and I told him not really because I would be breaking inside but it would be the right thing to do! Jet told me that a strong person stands up for what they think is right no matter how difficult and I replied that there is hope for me yet!  Jet told me there is always hope for me and as long as I let love in I will be fine. I pointed out that keeping love out may be the problem and reminded him Kai had already proposed and we discussed how that is Kai’s way.  I also pointed out that there is another with feelings me also. He asked who but understood when I had sworn not to revel their identity and said he would not press the point.  I realised how late it was becoming an explained I need to meditate.  We said goodnight and I left.
As I walked away I could not help but think on how Jet had been.  He is quiet and I’m not sure I would wish the person I share my life with to be that quiet but he did talk more and show a different side of himself today.  This is not helping my confusion!
So now there are three men with feelings of one type or another towards me.  I am still married and while I have accepted a great deal about my relationship with Remiel I am not completely over it either.  What an earth attracts these men to me?  I can not believe it is what Ozy mentioned! Well Mith is right!  I need towork out my feelings first before I consider anyone else but I also need to remember that I do hold the power to hurt people in my hands and tread with care!  I would never wish to play these men off against each other as I know some women do.  Regardless of if I choose to be with someone or on my own I need to treat them with respect.

[DMOE]

Ran into Angela, Abi, Mith Jet and a few others in Hlint.  Angela was suggesting a trip to Dregar.  I thought it might be nice to go.  Elladan walked up just as Barion was asking me about court and who had reported me. I told Barion it didn’t matter and Elladan head for potions and such.  The group get growing and growing and I was getting nervous.  I don’t like large groups unless I know they have good leadership and while I like Jet a lot I haven’t seen him lead!  We headed to Jet’s house to use his portal and Angela decided to change her mind about going.   I’m afraid I let Jet down and backed out also.  I just hope he wasn’t too angry with me.  I would hate that!
We decided to go to the mountains.  That is Elladan, Abi, Mith, Angela, Gunter,Barion and I.  It was really fun although Gunter did die which was a pity.  When we got down from the mountains I realised it was time to go to that Arm’s to meet Enzo.  The others tried to get me to go to Dregar but I already missed meeting Enzo once so I reminded them I had given my word.  Mith was sweet and checked I had enough coin!  Elladan decided to gohome so I had some company in Leilon for a short while.
I was stood outside the Arm’s just deciding if I should go in when Enzo walked up behind me and asked if I was ready.  I asked him if I look ready.  He looked me up and down which nearly made me blush and said I looked fine.  We went in and had a drink and Enzo brought me a meal. I didn’t realise how warm it gets in the Arms and asked Enzo if he minded getting a breath of fresh air.  He didn’t so we went and sat on the dock, talked and ate pie.  Enzo makes lovely pie.  I really enjoy talking to him.  It is so free and easy.  He makes me laugh and smile.  He is a good friend!  Eventually I realised how tired I was and excused myself.  He was very sweet and didn’t mind me leaving.

[DMOE]

Walked into Hlint to see Angela, Abi, Trysk, Shule, and Barion by the benches.  Geir joined us slightly later.  Abi went into the bank shortly followed by Shule who said Abi was talking to someone very strange.  Abi eventually came out and said it was to do with being a Shadow Dancer and Geir was explaining about someone he had helped head down that path. Abi said this person had told her it was not for her but she still feels it is.  Others had gathered and were trying to discover what was going off so went into the Goblin Waste Lands for some peace and quiet.  Other person approached Abi and this time offered to train her but Abi felt he was evil.  She was talking about needing to understand balance and the others started talking of druids.  I realised Abi had gone very quite so checked she actually wants to see a Druid.  She decided she did so it was off to the High Forest.  Not sure completely what happened after that but there was something about the temple and a necromancer.  Oh and they had to call a special Druid in to help.  Seems part of Abi’s heart is on the shadow plane.
We went to the Xeenite temple and again I didn’t understand it all but it seems the Necromancer was the only way so off we went to find him!  He told us that it would be dangerous but he could send us to the plane in return for a magic gift.  I was going to offer a wand when Geir gave Abi something.
So there we are on the Plane of Shadow.  Abi could sense where the fragment of her heart was so we all followed her, fighting where we needed to.  Eventually we meant a messenger of the first person who offered to teach her who explained why he had told he not to bother and that he would teacher her after all. There were also two portals, one to home and one to her heart fragment.  So we all went through the red portal and fought like mad!!  Eventually we were left with a box wrapped tight in shadow.  I worked out we needed true love to open it but Geir really worked it out when he realised we needed everyone’s true love.  I had a choice to make.  Help Abi and re-live my only true love, all the love and joy I felt or have her possible fail.  I opened my heart and let all the joy, love and happiness Remiel made me feel and that I felt for him pour our.  The others did the same for their loves too.  Eventually Abi’s heart was whole.  Mine felt like it was breaking again but hers was whole and that is what matters!!
We ended up back in Prazis and the Shadow Master spoke.  To be honest it was all a blur, I just concentrated on the fact Abi was whole, happy and going to get to follow her dream!  That is what was important!!  I was so afraid I would break down!  We used Geir’s portal to get back to Hlint and I excused myself as soon as I could and ran to Jet’s house hoping he would be in as the tears fell.  I so needed to shed these tears but I needed to be held by some who cares about me and Jet does and was closest.
I knocked on his door and was just about to give up and leave when it opened.  I stood there, Jet asking me what was wrong looking a complete sight as a beautiful red headed elf walk towards me.
I tried to explain that I was interrupting and it honestly didn’t matter and I should leave but they wouldn’t let me.  The elf introduced herself as Vivian and I was taken into the lounge.  God’s I didn’t want to be there.  There was such a free and easy way between them.  I have no claim on Jet I know that but with the state of mind I was in it hurt anyway to see him like this.  They tried to get me to talk but I don’t like telling strangers my business especially when I am that upset.  I claimed it was Angela dying which had upset me so!
I know Jet told me that there is love between himself and Vivan but they are not lovers and I can only wonder why not?  They seemed so good together.  I kept trying to leave and they wouldn’t have it so I tried not speaking, being rude and just about anything else I could think off.
Vivian and Jet seem to think she can help in court but I don’t see it and why would I tell this woman anything about what happened?  Jet may trust her but I had only just met her!
Then Jet started talking about showing us both the world and how he wished to show Vivian the Lake in Arabel also.  I had thought he had meant that as something special he wished to show me because he cares for me.  Obviously I have read Jet very wrong!  By this point my head was spinning and I just wished to leave.  They kept on and on about how Vivian could help and I know I was rude but at least she stopped! She said she should go and run some errands and Jet said he was tired so I took my opportunity and said I would leave also. Jet said he was sure we would get along better at a different time.  I am so confused.  Is she just a friend?  Am I just a friend? What does Jet want?  I thought I knew but all the emotions of helping Abi whirling around in my head confused me.  I said goodbye and left.  I ran into Mith and collapsed into his arms and finally let it all out.  I cried and cried for the love I felt and had lost and I think I managed to let it go.  Well as much as I ever will.  Part of me will always love Remiel but then he was my first true love!  Eventually the crying stopped and I tried to explain to Mith.  He asked why I didn’t just think of Aranna as I love her truly too.  I tried to explain that I couldn’t.  When will they realise that I love my daughter with all my heart but she may as well be dead to me!  Eventually I convince Mith I was ok and just needed to rest and he walked me home. When he left me at the door I just kind of stumbled inside to my bed and collapsed!
Today was so very hard! To think of all those things but it did me good in the long run, it really did.  I have looked at the joy and happiness I felt for him and with him, really look at it and I still know it can not be.  I am finally as ready as I’ll ever be to move on!  Although a part of me fears I am weak and would still want him if he returned but it is a very small part now.  I think it will be there until the day I fall in love with another and truly realise that I can love Remiel with a part of myself for he is and always will be my first true love and still give me heart to another!  But now is not the time to give my heart to another, no not yet.  Even if seeing Jet with Vivian did bring out an unexpected reaction and even if I find I enjoy spending time with Mith more and more.  I need to spend sometime being me first and then I can worry about my feelings for others.  Although I should always remember something Remiel did not.  I hold the feelings of others in my hands and my decisions can destroy them so it is my duty to make the right decision!

[DMOE]

 I completed my meditations and left my bedroom to see Mith coming to check on me.  Abi and Angela were waiting in the common room.  That meant a great deal to me!  We made ready and headed to the court to see Jacchri and his good lady waiting for us.  Lan, Elladan, Enzo all arrived in short order although there was no sign of Jet.  We were called inside one by one with me being last and it began.
  I had thought long and hard about what to plead when they asked and I did pleaded Not Guilty. 
  Brit had cleared out of the house on the basis of rumour without trying to contact me so why should I not!
  Of course this did fall down as a defence when I realised the only person who had been present when I discovered this was Remiel and I had not asked him to attend court.
  The court asked as to the state of our marriage before I claimed Brit left and I explained I wished to leave him and why.  The court also enquired as to why I didn’t apply for a divorce straight after Aranna’s birth and I pointed out I was in hiding.  I explained as best I could about everything that had happened to us and how it had affected us both.
  Other’s tried to help where they could although some muttering did upset the clerk rather.
  Eventually we were told Remiel had already been tried and I saw a glimmer of hope.  I asked if Remiel had said anything in his trail about Brit leaving as I was aware we could use it in evidence for mine to discover that he had pleaded guilty and offered no defence.  So even then he managed to harm me!  Ironic really.  It seems that Remiel has fallen from Toran’s graces.  While I did not wish this on him if his God has judged him so the he must be guilty!
     The court also revealed that Brit was dead but that it was a recent thing.  That shocked everyone.  I already knew as Pendar had called at the house to tell me earlier as he planned to present it as evidence to the court by letter as he wouldn’t be able to me there.  I suppose that should be an entry in itself but with all that was going on….
     Eventually we could offer no information and a verdict was given.  The clerk said…
     I have no choice but to find you guilty of Adultery... however I do find that the emotional abuse you had to endure through the final days of your marriage are sufficient cause to seek separation and that he did in fact abandon you with out cause be it before or after you laid with Remiel as he’d have had no way of knowing that you did as such the court finds that you are divorced and not to be called widow to this man for your adulteration you will serve no jail time and pay no fines to the court you will each day however be charged to a local orphanage to provide are to these abandoned youths for one months time.
     At that I sank slowly towards the ground.  Mith caught me and lowered me gently the rest of the way.  I was relieved and shocked.
   
     They unlocked the court doors and the cleric wrote out a paper, stamped it with the seal of rofirein and handed it to me.
     I decided to leave at that point!
     We retired to the Wild Surge to toast freedom.  There was still no sign of Jet.
     Eventually people started to depart.  I had a good chat to Jacchri and then went to say goodbye to Enzo.
  Hmmm Enzo.  Enzo gave me a very special arrow and said you might have but one shot at love again... make sure your aim it true. I replied that I would try.  That seemed to please him.  He also keeps call me Ms Ireth and when I told him to stop and it’s just Ireth he said I like sayin' it though... it is a reminder that your are one again.  I would like to get to know Enzo much better but we will see if his duties give him the time!  He left then as he had things to do........
   

*continued over the page*

[DMOE]

I went outside to find Elladan and Mith by the well.  I was just talking to them about how the trail went when Jet approached.  He told me he had tried to attended but a guard would not let him.  I didn't ask why he was late.  I feared it would be due to training or Vivian and that would have upset me so better to not know!  I told Jet the outcome and some of the details.  He was happy to know it went well for me but I have noticed a lack of smiles or emotion from him since Vivian returned.  Mith left on errands and Elladan went shortly afterwards. 

I asked if Jet wished to go to Haven mines and he declined saying he had been far too often recently.  I apologised to him for being rude to him and Vivian before and he commented that it hadn't seemed to be the best time for us to meet.  I apologised in case I had offended her and he said that he doubted I had but I should apologise to her not him.  I pointed out I planned to next time I saw her!  I took the plunge and asked him why he was not with Vivian. 

Jet being Jet missed the point completely and said because she wasn't around and he isn't with her all the time.  I said I meant as a couple because they looked good together and he cares for her deeply.  He replied that it had been a long road for both of them and they would never be more than just good friends.  I than asked if any woman in his life would have to take second place to his oath to her.  At that point I realised she had walked up.  God's that woman is beginning to annoy me and I hardly know her!  I apologised for my behaviour which she accepted and then she asked if I had been speaking of Jet's oath to her.  When both Jet and I confirmed that I was she answered the question.  She said that no woman need take second place to that oath as if that happened it would be an affront to Ilsare, and thus an affront to that oath.  Oh how I wonder of that's how Jet sees it!  We discussed the trial and Remiel and she seemed very well versed in what had happened.  It seems the rumour mill is still working!  She then asked us both to join her for food.  God's how I would have preferred not to but if I wish to know Jet better I need to spend time with Vivian so…..
She sent Jet in to find a table and headed to the bank.  I decided to join Jet.   Vivian arrived and brought food and there we sat the three of us.
 Vivian asked Jet if he had been dreaming recently and he admitted he had not been sleeping well with my trial coming up.  Then Vivian commented that she guessed my sleep had been bad recently too.  I gently pointed out I don't sleep as she had obviously failed to notice I'm an elf.  Not sure how but….
 Jet asked Vivian about her dreams and Vivian asked me in elvish if I dream in my meditations.  I told her I dream of my daughter.  Jet did not like us speaking in elvish and I can't really blame him, it was rude of us.  We discussed Aranna slightly and then Vivian asked me in elvish what my feelings for Jet are.  I told her and told her that Jet knows this also.  Then they carried on talking of Vivian's dream while I tried not to look too bored.  Then Pyyran came over and started talk to be honest I wasn't listening to him either!  Unfortunately I had failed not to look bored and got spotted being bored too.
 Vivian apologised to me and when I asked for what she commented there must be more exciting things to do than sitting in the Wild Surge Inn.  I commented that I had accepted her invitation happily so…
 Thankfully Acacea arrived and Pyyran left with her and Mith arrived.  Of course this made Pyyran came back to ask Mith of wands.  Mith asked me if I could help him with a project that I would like the outcome of but even though I'm sure it would be more interesting I was trying to make the effort with Vivian so declined and Mith left with Pyyran.  Vivian of course said I shouldn't have let her keep me, Bah!  I pointed out that Mith had Pyyran with him now and anyway she had invited me so it would be rude to just leave unless of course they wished me to leave.  Vivian said that she didn't wish to keep me if I want to go and that was all.  Jet was quite hurtfully whether he realised it or not!  He said it would be rude to keep me from somewhere I'd rather be as I didn't seem interested in the conversation.  God's I can't win!  I don't make the effort I get it wrong, I try and make the effort I get it wrong also! I commented that I never said I wished to be else where and that it's just that I don't try and understand dreams but if they wished to discuss dreams I would happily leave them to it.  Jet just informed me that he didn't know what they would end up discussing.
 God's why is he suddenly so distant?  He claims there is nothing but friendship between him and Vivian yet he withdraws from me and is so blunt with me as if her feelings are more important than mine.  Yes he has known her long and she has helped him but I thought he cared for me also; it's what he told me himself!
 Vivian asked if there was something I would rather speak of and I said I could talk for hours but it often isn't interesting or important and that I am often found on the benches in Hlint making new friends.  More small talk followed with Vivian asked me in elvish if I though he was cute and I replied yes just as Synal'dur  Hano'del arrived.  Jet commented about us talking in elvish and Syn pointed out that Jet could always learn it in time, all he would need is a teacher.  Jet commented that he wished we would let him in on our conversation   Vivian told Jet that she had said he was very cute and asked if he wished to learn elvish.  Syn commented that some conversations were best left among women.  I told Jet I agreed with Vivian and asked if he felt better knowing and he replied yes.  Vivian said she would teach him if he ever had time and I commented I'm a terrible teacher.  Jet made a comment about seeing if he had time and Vivian showed him the scar on her palm and told him to go to her if he wished. 
 I then ended up explaining about my trial and Remiel to Syn.  It was an interesting conversation after which I thanked all for a lovely time and excused myself.  Jet asked if I wished him to walk me home.  I exist, shock horror!! I told him he could if it was no bother.  Vivian asked him to meet her at the temple if he does not return to late so I promised I wouldn't keep him as I knew now he wouldn't linger anyway knowing Vivian wanted him for something.  Vivian thanked me for saying I wouldn't keep him and talking with her and then Jet and I headed off.
 Jet waiting until we were outside Hlint and then asked if we had been talking about him in front of him.  I told him Vivian had asked what my feelings for him are.  He asked what I said although told me he'd understand if I didn't wish to tell him.  I replied that I had told her what I had told him and that he was the one who had said he had confused feelings, not I.  I asked if he's feels were still confused and he commented that they maybe for sometime but he is trying to work them out.
 We arrived at the house and chatted of things including the future.  I reminded him that Vivian was waiting and he seemed all most like he didn't wish to go but when I asked him if he'd prefer to stay he said that I had reminded him of something when I said Vivian was waiting.  When I asked what he said it was in the past and a long story which he may tell me another time. We said goodnight and he returned to Vivian.

[DMOE]

Mith came round today and we spent some time talking.  We discussed Remiel’s judgement and Mith’s plans in regards to Remiel.  I told Mith I would not see Remiel hurt or hunted unless he was hurting me or mine.  Mith explained that of course I wouldn’t as I’m a nice person but it was very lucky that he isn’t! 
  Trysk and Ran called round so Ran could pick her dress up as the curse seems to be listed and it was nice to see her happy.  They didn’t stop long as they needed to meet someone but not before Ran commented I might take comfort with Mith.
   I commented to Mith that Ran seemed to think we may be a couple.  I had never really thought how we may look to others before and to be honest I don’t care!  Mith offered to stand further away to help people stop thinking that.  I told him that I would not stop being his friend even if I don’t have deeper feelings for him and that any man I am with will have to deal with me being his friend exactly as I am now, including if others think I might be with Mith!  I also told him to never change who he is or how he is with me for anyone because I will not ask of him and he said he will not.
We then laughed and joked about relationships until I told him I needed to rest.  He asked me if I actually sleep and I told him that I meditated like him but had got into the habit of saying sleep as Brit hadn’t been keen on the differences between us.
   Mith excused himself and I tried to rest.
  I couldn't so I headed first to the Wild Surge Inn and then to plan to try and find Mith again.  I actually bumped into him as I was leaving and he gave me some arrows to try as they were encanted so went off and found some Kobold's to test them on.  They work really, really well. The fact I was pleased seem to pleased seemed to please him.
  I talked to him while he dug clay until I realsied I was actually tired this time and once agian let to meditate!

[DMOE]

I ended up in Arable today and ran into Brisbane and some others trying to find something so helped where I could until they found a strange box.  I didn’t really understand but tried to helpful where I could.  Syn was there and some other Toranite and between the two of then I couldn’t help but begin to mutter.  Brisbane joined it at one point and the other Toranite made some comment about not judging the church on the actions a few people.  I nearly laughed.  Remiel was High Justicar and should have been well above reproach.  As such I have no problems judging any church by his actions.  What he did was wrong and his God knew that!  Even before his trail but that is enough said on that matter.  Brisbane offered to take me back to Hlint so we left.  We got back to Rilara and I took the opportunity on the docks to talk to her of Enzo.  I know they were and I hope are still very good friends but also that they were nearly much more so would not wish to upset her in anyway!   She pleased I had spoken to her and said that as long as I remembered Enzo was not tactful and had a good heart I would be fine.  We walked back to Port Harbour chatting and then sailed to Port Hampshire.  We were just leaving Fort Hope when Jet appeared.  We chatted with him and then Brisbane left him to walk me home winking as she went!

I asked if Jet wished to talk somewhere around Fort Hope or the house.  Eventually I got him to decided!!  We walked home not particularly talking about anything.  When we got home we then had to decide where to sit.  I offered Jet the choice of the common room or the study/storage room with the fire.  He said I should choose and I pointed out that I prefer the cushions in the bedroom but wasn’t sure he’d feel comfortable with that.  He said he was fine and we went and sat down.
Jet told me that my bedroom had a nicer touch than his and I asked him if this was by designing or by what I had decorated it with.  He commented that he had little room and had a separate area to bath in.  I commented I had a separate bath too and he couldn’t understand why.  I pointed out the fact that I had planned to use the smaller tub for Aranna before I realised what I carried and that the house had been brought with my child in mind.  I also commented that sometimes a smaller tub can be nice and he replied that as long as it got you clean…

I laughed and explained there was more to baths than getting clean!  He asked what and I replied making love or just being close and loving.  Jet apologised to me and when I asked why he said for bringing the conversation to the subject of lovemaking.  I told him not to worry as it is a natural thing and that while I don’t always find it the easiest thing to speak of there is no shame in it.  We then discussed who it is a serious act of love and not all take it as such.  I commented that they probably feel they had wants and desires they need to satisfy and Jet commented life is not just about wants and desires.  I countered with the fact that he was right but that they do play a part in life and he replied that they do but he tries to not let them control him.  I replied that sometimes it is good to let them control you but only if the time is right and he agreed.  I then went on to comment I am still troubled by my stirred up passions and emotions but seem to manage to control them.  Jet commented this was good and I will be back to my normal self in no time.  I could resist asking what if these passions and emotions are part of my normal self.  Jet answered that he assumed my normal self had not had them stirred up and messed around as I had recently.  I pointed out that my normal self had tried to ignore and deny them which Jet conceded was not a good thing either.  I pointed out that while Remiel had done a good job he only had what was buried inside me already to work with and that he could not have stirred up what wasn’t there!  Jet commented that he thinks everyone has that side to them that is just brought out under certain circumstances.  I replied that I had not experienced it before and Remiel really enjoyed seeing my desire and passion.  Jet opened and closed his mouth at that point as if he wished to speak but dare not.  I asked him if he was going to say something and he told me to never mind.  I reminded him that I value honesty most highly.  He asked if when this was happening with Remiel did it make me happy.  I thought a moment and replied that it scared me but did make me happy.  He asked why it scared me and I told him it was because I had never felt it before and it was so strong, as if my veins were filled with fire!  He asked if I thought I would ever feel it again or if I felt it was a one time thing.  I answered that I hoped I will feel it again and this time for a man who truly appreciates it rather than just enjoying what he has achieved.  He asked me to forgive him for asking but he wished to know what it feels like.  I asked him if this meant he had never felt it himself and he replied no, not as I had described.  

I asked him if there was anything else he wished to ask me and he said no.  Then Jet said that maybe he would be lucky enough to feel as I did for Remiel.  I told him he would only be lucky if the lady in question feels it back but that we often get hurt!

Then I pointed out that he never answered my question about his oath to Vivian and than Vivian did.  He replied that she was right. His vow is to her and Ilsare, but to keep myself from loving another would be an affront to both.  I tried to explain that wasn’t what I asked. I asked him again if a woman would be expected to take second place to that vow and he once again failed to see and said to deny love would be an affront to Ilsare.  I tried again to explain that what I actually meant is would he walk away from his Lady to help Vivian if Vivian asked.  He of course immediately thought I meant mortal danger and such and informed me that he would save his Lady first but obviously try and save both but obviously if Vivian’s was in mortal danger and his Lady not he would save Vivian  I could have screamed by now.  I tried to explain it is not all about death and that people lean on each other for support in a relationship that the need of one does not always seem important to the other but it can be ever so.  Jet commented that only death is final and everything else can be worked through.

I tried to explain how I felt but think I did it badly although eventually we seemed to manage to communicate and Jet put my mind at rest regarding his oath to Vivian.

Then he showed just because he’s quiet doesn’t mean his stupid by asking me why I wished to know.  I told him it was because I don't know how I feel about you and I need to understand things to help find out.  He replied that the other day I told him how I felt.  I pointed out that I’d said I cared for him but also had many emotions to sort out, that I don’t understand them all but I am trying to!  He told me he could relate but that he had begun to think more clearly now.  I told him I was happy that this is the case and he said he was glad to finally have things sorted out.  He also said he was sure I’d sort my things out in time and offered to help if he could.  I told him to be my friend and be honest.  He told me he could do that but would do more if he could.

I asked if he realised what is happening to me and he replied that I am recovering from Remiel and have my emotions all stirred up!  I pointed out I am confused for another reason and when he asked what explained that men are interested in me, some more than others and that I care for them as friends.  He pointed out it is my choice and I replied that it was and I may choose none at all.  He followed this saying some will be hurt and angry, I am sure, others will continue being a friend and others will fade out and others will never be forgotten.   We discussed this a while further until he told me to trust my heart and trust Ilsare.  I reminded him that I follow no god and will not trust in one!  He said that he didn’t think he’d follow a god either or trust another living soul.

It was late by this point so he gently took his leave and I was much happier for our talk.

[DMOE]

Ran into Pendar in the Seilwood caves and helped him while we had a chat which I thing will help us in the future and then we decided to walk to the Direwood caves and we ran into Agnela there who was waiting to meet someone called Ael. He seemed nice enough and we heading into the caves. Mith arrived to help as we were part way round and it was a fun time really. I decided to sit and think a while after we had done while the others went off. A while later I met up with Mith and Angela and we wnet to some ruins and Mith fell and Angela shouted at me but it all came right in the end! We then chatted for a while before all going our separate ways. I it was a very good day!
  Later on I met up with Angela, Abi and Gro Sigurdson so I helped the ladies with a few things for a while before retiring.

[DMOE]

Jet called by today. It was only a quick visit but he was passing through town and wanted to check if I was in. I liked that!!!  He asked me if I’d been up to much so I told him about visiting the ruins with Mith and Angela. I told him Mith fell and Angela shouted at but it all turned out ok in the end and he commented that as long as I got back ok then everything was alright. I asked him what he had been doing and he said mining but with little luck.  He fell quiet after this and eventually I asked him if he was just going to stare at me all night and he answered that he might. I was quite shocked to be honest but I also liked it. It gave me a warm feeling inside. I just blushes and he said it would not be right to just stare at me night. When I asked why he said that he though it might make me uncomfortable if he just looked at me all night as it often does to some people. I asked him if he wished to spend his time looking at me. God’s my heart was beating slightly faster now. He told me he could talk and look at me if I wished. I gently pointed out that he hadn’t answered my question! He replied that maybe not all his time but that it wouldn’t be a bad thing. God’s I nearly died of surprise! I had to ask him why and he replied that he had said many times that I am a beautiful woman. I just blushed some more and reminded him that I have trouble seeing that. He told me that whether or not I see it did not change it. And I said this was true but it did mean it always surprises me. I commented that Ozy thinks I need to learn to cope with it. Jet said I should but that he didn’t think I need to. I replied that I try and even manage it sometimes but not always. Jet said it is good to remain humble and I counted with Ozy’s comment that there is nothing wrong with accepting my beauty either. He replied that no there wasn’t but that sometimes people let it go to their heads and he did wish me to be one of them. That hurt me slightly and I asked if he thought I would be like that. He replied that no,he didn’t but he remembered a fear I had told him of before. I couldn’t remember and said as much and he said I had and I trust him so….  I told him I still don’t see what is beautiful even though Ozy and Elladan have tried to explain it. Jet told me there is more to beauty than appearance and I told him that is what Ozy said. He said that my personality is what truly shines through and it will age well also. Jet told me that to him combined with my physical features, it is my strength and willpower that add to my beauty as well as my intelligence. I was surprised about the comment regarding my willpower and said as much. He said I had stuck by what I believed in no matter what the cost and that is willpower. I replied that maybe it is blind stupidity but either way that is who I am. He told me he would not call it stupidity and then apologised and said he needed to dash off. I know he’d said it was a quick visit but this had left me head spinning!  This was such a change from the Jet I had known so far. I know last time we had talked he said he’s feelings were now clear to him but I hadn’t realised this is what he meant. I decided to soak in the pool while I thought on what he had said. I was still getting butterflies when I thought of him telling me he could stare at me all night. I hadn’t expect to feel anything like that, well ever if I’m honest. I know everyone including Remiel told me I would get over him but it never felt like I would. By this time my head was spinning so I thought about gems instead for a while and relaxed!

[DMOE]

I ran into Lan in Seilwood and we chatted about life and love for a while before I helped him get some spider silk before heading to the Wild Surge for food. We went and sat outside in the sunshine and after a while Enzo joined us. I also met a cleric of Elladan’s religion called Athus Dephillie who I must remember to tell him about! We chatted for a while until Lan then Athus excused themselves and Mith joined us. Enzo mentioned seeing Remiel with Kali and I was very surprised at how it just didn’t bother me. They are welcome to each other if that is what they wish. My life is moving on finally! Then a gentleman called Xiao Lin joined us and asked what we were discussingand we replied a fallen Paladin. Hence we started the whole Remiel, Ireth and Aranna story but he need to go before it was finished and asked if we may talk another time. I do not mind and said as such! Mith and Enzo kindly walked me home and after Mith had left Enzo was staring at me and telling me he intends to keep doing so whenever he can! I think he is interested in me also but he was nice about it so I don’t mind! I then retired for the night.

[DMOE]

I walked into Hlint and saw Abi run and sit down carrying.  Ayla had been found dead and now there was a plan to go and avenge her and Angela whished to go.  I tried to comfort Abi as best I could and then Angela arrived.  I excused myself and left them too it skirting round Hlint and heading instead for Haven although I’m not sure why.   I ran into Enzo and we began chatting.  Lan arrived and gave us the news of Ayla.

Enzo asked me if I whished to work some Amethyst but seemed a bit distant.  I agreed to help and asked him what was wrong.  He said that he couldn’t help think of death and such and how he wasn’t ready to leave this world yet.  We talked a little more on it and then we reached the craft house and I set to work.  I did quite well cutting them and was pleased with my work!  Enzo asked me if I’d polish them for him and he collect them next time he was about.  He gave me money for oil and headed off on an errand.  I decided the sooner they were polished the better and was pleased to polish 12 out of 14 properly.  Enzo arrived back shortly after I finished and we discussed gems and infusing.  He then commented he was back off to the mine and I asked why he didn’t go somewhere else!   Of course he asked me what I’d like to do and of course I didn’t know!  I commented that I’d actually like a hot soak right about now but it wasn’t really a two person activity and it was only when he coughed and grinned I realised what I’d said.  He suggested a walk and we headed off.

He took me to a place called Harmony Grove and we sat by a camp fire and chatted some more.  He told me that one day he would have to take me to a very special forest shire and when I asked further he told me it was Longstriders and he had raised the money to build it.   I commented he had left his mark on the world and then lost him to thought.  Eventually I said his name hoping it would bring him back to me and it did.  We then discussed his desire to have children and if it was selfish I told him it would only be selfish if it was the only reason he picked a woman or if he made the woman he picked feel pressured.  He told me that he couldn’t do either of those things.  He then commented he worries sometimes it will never happen.  He had a laugh about his age then and it seemed to lifer his spirits slightly.  He said he should just continue down the path before him and if it happens, it happens but he shouldn’t try and force it.  I told him it will happen if it is meant to.  He went quiet again and I asked him if he was staring at me and he asked if I was in front of him so I offered to sit behind him if it would help!  He asked if it bothered me and I replied not really, it was just something I have to get used to.  He told me I am a beautiful woman full if life and asked how one could not look at me.  That made me blush!  I told him I do not see that as others do and he told me now matter as this did not change it and I longed to say that is what Jet had said but I found myself using Ozy’s name instead.  I carried on adding that Ozy says I need to come to terms with my beauty and Enzo said that everyone should accept who they are.  I told that maybe he was right and he told me of course he was right, that he knows beauty when he seems it.  I blushed even more then and told him I am trying.  He carried on saying he wasn’t talking entirely of physical beauty and he doubted Ozy was either.  I told him I knew Ozy was saying the same thing as him and he found that rather amusing.  I told him Ozy had said I had beautiful soul and that it will always shine through even as my body grows old.  We discussed Ozy and licking for a while then.  We chatted a little while long and then I begged my leave of him and walked home.  

All this talk of children had made me realise I don’t see myself bearing children for a long time, well long time to a human but not an elf.  I could wait 50 years and it would be nothing but Enzo would be dead and Jet too old to become a father.  I think Enzo maybe interested in knowing me as more than a friend and the same for Jet.  I need to think long and hard on this issue and talk to them both about how I feel.  It is important to them no doubt!  My head was spinning when I arrived home but I think I have things sorted.  Now just to make sure I get to talk to Enzo and Jet!

[DMOE]

I ran into Abi and Angela outside Port Hampshire.  Anoron and Ael arrived shortly afterwards and we decided to all go and do something.  There was a slightly strained exchange between Angela and Anoron as they had been involved with each in the past and Abi decided to go craft.  I thought that the atmosphere had passed as I had been trying to explain to Ael about Aranna but I fear I was wrong.  We went to the Direwood caves as Abi always needs Topaz and I tried to answers Ael's questions as best I could.  Eventually we fought out way round but a mage took Anoron down and he fell too fast.  We came out and collapsed and waited for Anoron to return.  Angela was obviously still upset by something to do with Anoron but did not wish to speak about it so keeping an eye on her I continued to explain things to Ael.  Anoron arrived back to tell us he had already sneaked into the cave and visited his grave.  Then a discussion began on where to go next.  The boy's wished to go into the Dire woods and we did not!  Eventually they headed off with out us and Angela couldn't help but wonder if Anoron had picked the Direwoods as he knew she would not go!
I asked if she had any idea what to do with my three.  She asked me to tell her what I feel for them and then maybe she could help.  I did my best although I'm nit sure it was very good to be honest.   I think part of the reason this is so difficult is that having been quite badly bitten I am now fearful.  We discussed Enzo and children and Angela had some very good advice.  I have to make sure Enzo understands how I feel about children!  Angela said Jet reminded her of Brit a little and likes to be in control.  She also pointed out Jet wants a family too but as I said only being 20 he can afford to wait a little longer than Enzo.  She said I needed to talk to him and really talk at that.  I asked if it was about the control thing and she said I need to make Jet understand I don't need a Master!  We then discussed the third and his problems and in a lot of ways they are less but I know we both left unsaid that the path he walks will be a problem in itself!  I told her that she was right about Enzo and she commented he doesn't want to wait and she can't blame him.  To be honest neither can I!  She reminded me I can still be Enzo's friend and I do wish to be.
 Then Angela realised she is never going to have children.  It was sad for her and I really felt for her although I'm not sure I managed to convey it well.  Then she commented unless something happened to her like me but that no one had better try that as she isn't as forgiving as I am.  I reminded her that there was little point in being angry about what had happened to me.  I think she more want to make sure I know she cares!  She reminded me she still wishes to hurt the God's and Remiel for what they did to me.  I tried to explain Remiel will make his own pain but she still wish to cause him some herself.  I tried to explain that there is no point and we agreed to disagree!
 She told me I need to find out how Mith and Jet feel.  I pointed out I know how Mith feels and have done for weeks now but that he swore me to secrecy.  She wondered if this was because he was afraid that Angela and Abi would find out.  I said that in fact he was more worried that others who are not so nice might find out and use it against him.  We discussed for a while the dark path Mith walks but how it does not make him evil.  We also discussed me needing to speak to Jet before I returned home to run some errands and she went looking for Trysk!

[DMOE]

Mith came to call.  I must have looked slightly sad for he asked me if anything was wrong.  I suppose the impending conversation with Enzo then Jet regarding my possible wish not to have children during their lifetimes for I feel it is only fair they know.
  I bid Mith to come sit in the bedroom as I prefer the cushions and we began to chat.  I explained about Enzo talking to me of children and my realisation of how I felt and how it may affect Enzo and slightly Jet.  We then discussed the whole human/elf relationship thing. We then talked of how things might be and could be.  He said many things about a relationship with him, designed to push me away.  I know a relationship with him would be very hard but that doesn't mean I wouldn't cope with it.  In some ways it would be easier.  I would not have to risk my heart or trust.  I know how he feels and that having not expecting to ever have felt that way before that he would love and cherish me.  We debated if love is strength, weakness or both for a while too. 
  I suddenly realised what I had done to him.  I asked him if he could go back and change things if he would and he told me never!  I replied that I cause him pain and he answered that I had stopped him falling more to the power he desired.  That he still desires power but he isn't as will to pay as he was before and certainly to not pay as much.  He said that without me he doesn't know where he would be but while he'd probably be more powerful he would also likely be a tool to someone else!  I told him I was glad I had stopped that but wondered what he would do if I choose another.  He replied that it would be for your better to choose another over me, however much I would cherish you, I think the things you want in another will be found else where.  I pointed out that wasn't what I asked and asked again what he would do.  He answered me that he wouldn't feel less for you, and I'm not sure if I would be hurt or over joyed to see you with another and happy, maybe both.  I asked if he would still be willing to pay less for power if I chose another and he answered that the price he would have to pay is not worth the loss, not now!  I commented that it was worth the pain then.  I also reminded him that no one will come between our friendship.
  We then went on to discuss choices and such for a while then trips we wish to take before he needed to depart.
  I decided to head out for a walk and see where I ended up.  I ran into Enzo and immediately seized the moment and asked if we could go somewhere to talk.  Once we'd established we need somewhere out doors, and private Enzo lead me off somewhere to sit quietly.
  I just carried on seizing the moment and said that I got the feeling for our last couple of meetings that he'd like to get to know me better and possible as more than just a friend.  He said he'd like to get to know me better regardless and I commented that I thought that was the case but did wonder about the other.  He said he knew much of my present and recent past but little more.  I told him there was little to know and he hadn't asked.  He remarked he wasn't one to pry and I said I needed to explain something!
  I explained how I'm not sure about children and how he has ample time to raise a family with someone who is but that if I had caught his interest he needed to know how I felt.  He told me I had caught his interest but he did not know me well enough to say at what level and I told him I understood as I am in the same place myself!  I explained about others being interested in me and not being sure of my choices and how I was doing my best to do justice to all by not making a competition.  He understood this.  He also told me that I have a strong friend in him and always will.  That made me happy and I reminded him that he does in me also!
  Then we chatted of my past and my family and why I left home.  He is the first person to realise that I see people much as a do locks or trapped chests as puzzles to be solved.  I suspect Ozy knows too but he has never said as such to me.
  Then he asked how I met Elladan so I told him the story of the good natured Paladin and the impatience Scout but this eventually lead to talk of Remiel and then Kali.  Enzo admitted a passing interest her but that she is not the settling kind and this lead on to talk of me settling down and he teased me so badly I tickled him so much and it was so funny.  Then we started to flirt slightly and it was fun.  We both know where we stand with each other and it was nice to, well interact with a man like that.  We left with a hug and the idea we might meet at the Arm's later.
  I ran into Enzo again later sorting things out for Bris and the Arm's later and I decided to tag along and keep him company.  He showed me his house and then the craft house again.  Eventually I got bored and suggested he call at my house on his way to the Arm's, I could give him the tour of my house and then we would head off.  He agreed and I went home and changed.  When he arrived I showed him round then we headed off to the Arm's.  There was only Jharl when we arrived so we settled down for a drink.  Then a man called Derrick arrived and treated us to a drink.  Enzo then told me the story of his childhood and we discussed how what happens to us makes us who we are.  We chatted for a while longer until I felt tired and Enzo kindly excused me.  I walked home feel much more positive about things.  Enzo is a good friend but I think a friend is all he will ever be.  Now to talk to Jet next time I see him!

[DMOE]

I decided to walk into Hlint and see if Jet was at home and found him on the benches recovering from having fallen in Haven Mines.  We chatted a bit and then I asked him if we could sit by the pond and talk.

I explained how I had been Harmony Grove with Enzo where we had discussed his desire for a family and it made me think.

I explained about Aranna and how giving her up made me feel and how I’m not sure I may want children for a very long time.  I went on to explain how time can mean so much to him but very little to me.  He then said something really stupid.  He told me that elves are lucky to live so long.  I asked him if we were lucky to watch our friends die before us and pointed out everything has its ups and downs.

We then discussed relationships between humans and elves and the children which result.  He was surprising sensible about it and for some reason I found this very pleasing.  I didn’t realise it but I had been hoping he’d understand.  We discussed death as just a part of the cycle of life and he commented he believes there is more after death.  We discussed this for a short while before I pointed out that if I loved a human did he think I would never find love again that human died?  Again he was very sensible and said if the man truly loved her he would wish her to find happiness again.

I told him that Angela worries about Jet’s attitude towards me and that he reminds her of Brit and that I don’t need another Master.  That he may not accept me as I am.  We discussed this for awhile and again he so pleased me with what he said.  He accepts me for all that I am.  Even how close I am to Mith.

I asked him if he was more sure of his feelings now and he said he was.  I asked if he was sure enough to tell me and he said he was.  I was almost holding my breath waiting for him to speak!

He told me he was feeling drawn to me as more than a friend.  He said it was a warm feeling like one he had only felt for two others and that it felt a bit like love.  When I question the bit part he admitted it was actually a lot.  I feared again to let my heart open so I pointed out you can love someone without being in love with them.  He told me this was different to any love he had felt before.  He apologised and said he need to rest to restore himself and asked if we may talk later.  I agreed and he left.

I sat on the bench and though on his words.  He is a good man I find attractive and I feel deeply for but I am once bitten, twice shy.

Mith walked up to and sat next to me.  I told him that Jet thinks he is falling in love with me and that it is different to anything he has felt before.  Mith commented that I seem to bring that out in people.  We discussed this for a while and I said I think I need time although that might be a lie.  I can’t tell.  He told me maybe it was time to stop thinking and go off what I feel.  We talked a little while long and then Jet returned.

God’s what a moment that was!  Mith sat next, Jet stood waiting out of respect for us.  I almost felt torn between them in a sense.

Mith asked if it would take long and realises we had no idea how long he excused himself to work and left us to it.

Jet picked up from where he had been talk earlier by telling me he felt a connection between us that he had been uncertain of before but that he is now aware of what he feels.  I asked him why he had been uncertain and he answered that he had only felt love for a few others and he had not known me well enough to be sure.  I asked what he knew now and he replied he was sure he was feeling love.  Love like he had felt for Ravenne so long ago and like he felt for Vivian one time.  He explained that his love for Ravenne had turned out to be an illusion and many were hurt by it and he does not wish that to happen again.  I agreed with him there!  He told he wishes to spend more time with me if I am happy to so that he can ensure he is certain about his feelings and that no matter what happens he values our friendship.  I told him I value it also.  I reminded him I also need to sort out my feelings and he told me not to rush as there is time.  I found that funny and explained Mith had said that during our talk which Jet also found slightly amusing.

I told him that he needs to spend time with my friends and me with his.  He pointed out he knows most of friends and I replied that they don’t know him!  He asked me who and we talked of them.  He then told me he was willing to do it.  To be honest I was surprised but he told me there is time for training and time for other things.  I was completely shocked and asked if I am the other things.  He replied that he liked to thing I am more but yes he has time for me.  I told him I had never expected to hear him say that.  He told me that he will face Tyde sooner or later and must be ready for that but that he does not want to live his life without others in it.  He told me he thinks there are very few people who wish to live their life alone and I replied that deep down they don’t actually want to they just believe they do.

I told him he has shown me a very different side of himself recently and I would wish to see more of it.  He replied that he feels at ease with me and it makes it easier to be more open.
I asked him if there was anyone other than Vivian he would wish me to spend time with and his reply stung me so.  He said that there are very few he trusts as Vivian and he would not force you to spend time with any of them.  I couldn’t help but wonder if he felt forced to spend time with my friends now.  God’s how can this man’s simple words hurt me so sometimes?  He didn’t seem to notice and went on to say there were only really Jharl and Derrick that he trusted so they would be the only ones I would need to spend time with.  I was still feeling slightly hurt and now a little angry which affected how I answered him I’m sure! I told him I had asked because I wish to know his friends as he had said he will mine.  Not because I would feel forced. He told me again that he would be willing to become closer to my friends and I queried the some.  He pointed out I have so many friends it would be impossible to become close to all.  I gently pointed out that I do have many friends because it is part of who I am!  He told me he understands that.  I took the opportunity to tell him I know Jharl to speak to and Derrick by sight.

My angry was starting to fade and I found myself being open with him in a manner I had not expected and I commented that I don’t know how he does this to me and that he makes me feel….I could not say more for I do not understand it and Jet just stood looking into my eyes.  I quickly changed the subject and told him I do not want him to feel forced into spending time with my friends anymore than I wish to feel forced between spending time with my friends or him.  He told me he doesn’t feel forced and reminded me that there are things than training for him now.  I told him I never wish him to do anything he does not wish and he replied that as long as that stays he will never feel forced and just as he does not wish me to spend time with Vivian, Jharl and Derrick unless I want to.  I told him that if they are important to him I can make the effort to get to know them at least and he said the same goes for my friends.

I told him that I do not understand how you make me feel yet Jet and my emotions and passions run high.  He replied that he will help you as best I can to sort out your emotions no matter what becomes of them.  I told him it was a nice thought but I don’t think there is much he can do!  I’m not sure I was explaining it very well!  I told him how I'm more trying to explain that I may not react as he would think to things.  He told me again he will be fine with what ever decision I make.  God’s he can be so infuriating! I told him that wasn’t what I meant and he asked what I did mean so I tried to explain!

I asked him if he noticed I got frosty after his comment about not wishing to force me to spend time with his friends.  He said that he thought I drew the conclusion that he did not want to spend time with my own friends.  I told him I had but I had not spoken to him of this conclusion, just reacted to it.  I also told him I have discovered recently that I am a little hot blooded.  All he did was raise an eyebrow so I asked if he was surprised.  He said he wasn’t sure what I meant, did I mean I get angry fast or I am more passionate.  I told him I am very passionate in many ways and that I like being so.  He told me this was a good thing and I asked if he meant me getting angry.  He replied me being passionate.  I pointed out that anger is part of my passion.  He said that emotions are nice to express, especially those of love and it is better to know you have made someone angry than have them be angry without you realising.

I decided to ask him an important question.  I pointed out that while I have seen more of him these past few weeks I know nothing of his passions or emotions and then I asked him if from what he has seen of mine did he think he could cope with them?  He told me he could cope with them and explained that he has been trained to hide his emotions but that he has been trying to let them surface.  I told him it has been working and carried on with the difficult questions.  I asked him if he could cope with never having children.  He was in the process of answering that he’d like some but thinks he could cope without when Abi appeared as if from no where and said hello.  She told me she had the armour we had spoken of so I asked if she wished to be paid now.  She said some or all depending on what I have and then apologised for interrupting to Jet.  He was not happy about this, I could tell and he sat very quiet.  So then Abi tells him he’s not very talkative.  He just sat there which I’m sure is why she teased him so more.  She told me she hopes he speaks more to me than her otherwise he must be kind of boring.  I did try to tell her not to be mean but it was hard not to smirk.

I asked him again if he thinks he can cope without children and he replied again that he thinks he can and he has no family legacy to pass on.  I tried to make him understand that he needs to know not think but I’m not sure it worked and he said he’d make a very bad Father anyway being in danger all the time.  I think it surprised him slightly when I laughed!  I asked him if he thinks I will sit at home and bake and he asked me why I would do that obviously not quite getting what I meant so I reminded him I had fought in the battle against Blood’s forces at Velensk while carrying Aranna.  He told me if he died in battle he would not wish to leave his children without a Father and I pointed out that it is part of life and we can not stop being who we are.  He told me then that he needed to meet Derrick in Arabel to help him with something and find Jharl also.  I told him I understood and I would only slow him down.  He was so sweet and told me I don’t have to worry about slowing him down but he does have promises to keep!  I told him I worry about all sorts and while he should keep his promises, no more dying!  He told me not to worry about him for he will come back fine and I told him it was too late to stop me worry and he told me he had made too many promises to die now but that he must go.  I kissed him good bye and watch him walk away.  I wish I knew how I feel about him for I certainly feel something more than just friendship!

Abi appeared again and apologised for bothering me.  I told her she had not bothered me and she replied that she had bothered Jet though.  I reminded her that he will have to learn to cope!  She said she could help but tease a bit and I just said again that he will have to learn to cope with my friends.  She commented she’s not sure he can and asked if I’d tried the armour on yet as it’ll make me look like her.  I told her I won’t not spend time with her to make Jet happy and she told me this was good to hear.  I told her that he’ll live with or….well we both knew what I meant.  She told me not to be too harsh on him as she knows she isn’t very likable to lots of people.  I told her that he said he was falling in love with me.  She told me she had seen that weeks ago and asked what I had said.  I had to admit I had said nothing other than that I don’t know how I feel!  She told me she could figure out the men around me, even Mith but that she could not figure me out!  When I asked her why she said it’s because I don’t know what I want.  She asked how I planned to find out what I want and I said I was out of ideas and explained I love Mith but I’m not sure I’m in love with Mith.  She made a comment about it not being love at first sight and I told her that I’ve never had that; lust at first sight yes and that had been a complete disaster!  She then said that they’d had love at first sight and when I asked her who she meant she told me that the men fall for me at first sight like bees to honey.  Then she commented that talking of bees and indicated Mith had arrived back!

I thanked Mith for letting me speak to Jet and Abi asked him if he was listening in on girltalk.  I couldn’t resist teasing slightly so told her he likes to listen.  He replied that of course he does because you don’t learn things if you don’t listen.  Abi agreed and said that she likes to listen too and that she’d listened in on Jet and I for a while.  Mith of course asked if she’d heard anything good! I told Mith that Jet had said he was falling in love with me and wishes to spend time with me to clarify his feelings.  Mith told he knew that and I asked if I was the only one not to have guessed.  Abi then asked me if I don’t see how others feel about me and if I wanted her to name a few who feel like Jet.  I made a comment about there being more than one!  Mith replied that I had said to him about one who loves me and one who is falling in love with me.  I was surprised he said this as he’d asked me to keep his feelings secret!

I asked Abi who she meant and she asked if I wouldn’t rather find out for myself.  I told her I wouldn’t and she suggested I ask Mith who just looked confused.  I told her I asked her and she said she wasn’t sure she remembered so I pointed out that she should tell me or not but stop teasing!  She then asked Mith if she should name a few people interested in me and he replied that he didn’t care as it’s my business.  He left at that pointed to get some things to give to Abi and she commented that maybe he didn’t wish to hear who was interested in me.  I took the opportunity to let her know that I am aware of how Mith feels.  We then discussed Mith slightly but it was nothing I had not discussed with Mith himself before to do with paths and such.  Then she said that the one who’d almost got thrown out of the court room had an interest.  I checked she meant Enzo and then explained that we’d spoken regarding children and while he might find me attractive still I doubt he’d consider me a soul mate now!

Mith came back and discussed making a bag with Abi.  I decided to walk home while Abi said she’d head to Hampshire to craft.  Mith asked Abi if he could meet her there.  I suddenly realised I need to give Abi money for the armour so dived off to the bank and handed it over!  We said our goodbyes and Mith walked me home, chatting.

[DMOE]

I spent some time talking to Mith today.  We were sat in the house chatting.  I have trouble understand how he can council me about my feelings for others when he feels the way he does but he is always fair, never pushes and never tries to give himself an advantage over Jet although he could if he tried!  It was nice to sit and chat!
Ael called round to collect the gold I was holding for him but unfortunately couldn’t stop which was a pity as he still wishes to hear Aranna’s story.  
Mith stopped for a while longer and then left to get on with some more work.  It was a nice simple day!

[DMOE]

I ran into Abi oh the road to Hlint and ended up keeping her company on the way to her house and then going to Alya’s wake with them as I couldn’t think of a good excuse not too!  Although I did see Elladan there!

I was stood trying to stay awake when Ozy came up behind me and pulled my hair muttering something about me shirking my responsibilities and dragged me off.  He said I looked like I was about to fall sleep and I should do something more constructive with my time.  I walked with him to Lelion as he was heading to Pranzis to meet Bris.  We discussed ways to prevent pregnancy until he headed off and then I returned to the island in the lake and sat thinking.  Eventually I hear voices so swam back across to discover Barion, Angela, Elladan and Abi talking.  Barion was saying they should go kill things to honour Ayla.  Elladan and I tried to explain this was not fitting and Abi was trying to explain revenge is not sensible either!
Eventually we separated with Abi, Angela, Elladan and I heading to Rilara to deliver letters.  We also explained to Elladan how I have to make a choice at some point to either pick one of my suitors or pick neither.

We headed off and it was an easy trip.  We helped the farmer with a scarecrow problem and went looking for a tower the girls had heard of.  While they investigated I spoke to Elladan of Jet and Mith.  He hadn’t realised I like Jet that way and I pointed out we had been spending time together.  Elladan commented that he thinks Mith is a little dark for me and I suppose he has a point but he doesn’t see the happy times with Mith.  I commented that maybe Mith isn’t dark when I’m around and Elladan counted with maybe he just hides it better when I’m around!  Elladan said I need to let my heart decided and listen to it.  Abi thinks my heart has decided already.  She might be right too.  God’s it scares me to even let my self feel anything about one of them like this!

I then said that if I trust my heart and this one leaves me I’ll kill him and Abi said she would help.  This caused a huge row between Angela and Abi over revenge.  Elladan sat talking to Abi and I to Angela and between us we got them to speak to each other but it took a long time.  Angela was so surprised that I could her good advice but not solve my own problem!

Elladan and I talked as we walked home and he repeated his advice to open my heart!  I told him I would and suspect I know what will happen when I do!  He told me to make sure I don’t confuse affection or lust with love.  I reminded him I really loved Remiel and now know the difference.  Elladan told me he knows this which is why he can’t forgive Remiel.  I gently reminded him I didn’t expect him to, nor had I asked him too.  I told him how Enzo had seen Remiel running of with Kali and Elladan said he felt for me because it must of hurt.  I told him I laughed as I think they deserve each other as I gather she isn’t the most faithful of women by all accounts.  Elladan told me I never cease to amaze him and to never change.

When we arrived home Elladan joined me in my room to chat and explained I wasn’t the only one who had complicated love life!  He told me how he had fallen for a woman out of his reach, really out of his reach.  I thought for a moment and asked if it was Abi or Angela.  He told me I know him too well and that it was Abi.  We talked of wishing the best for the one you love even if it is not you for a while before he retired and I slipped into my pool to think.

Abi is right, my heart has already decided!  I just need to listen.  I laid there in the water and did just that.

I know who I want no matter how hard it might be.  I just hope we can be happy!

[DMOE]

I spoke to Mith today.  It was so hard to tell him I care for Jet.

I was selfish too I guess.  I may not be in love with Mith but he is such a close friend I fear to lose him over things so I offered him the chance to sever his connection to me and when he refused it I made him promise to stay my friend.  I’m not sure it was fair but it is done now!
He told me that I have the only part of his heart worth having and I am to keep it for him so it stays safe.  I told him I would keep it with the part of my heart that belongs to him and give it back when he is ready for it.

We talked for hours and I cried lots.  It hurt us both but need to be done and we went to Lars afterwards and played in the snow as good friends should.  We stood together on the mountain looking out across the town and it was nice.  Maybe it can work.  Maybe……………