Notes, by Thais

[flossie]

Notes  by Thais

   These notes are jotted down in a small, weathered-looking secondhand notebook. The entries are erratic and written down in great haste.

[flossie]

Has everyone gone mad! What is this nonsense that keeps following me around?

First, that creep Amarath walks up and says he is worried about me. What does he care? Besides, it is far too late for him to start worrying. Come on, get over it! I told him to get lost, which seemed to do the trick.

Next, at the bank in Hlint, all of my money is gone. I threatened the vault keeper but he claims innocence, saying that I emptied my account earlier that day. I thought about molesting him, but then Angela walked in.

I greet her warmly, but then she starts questioning me about a certain dress she gave me. Whether I still have it in my pack. Is she nuts? Of course, I still have it. It is gorgeous and besides that, it is HER gift! She even asked me to get it out and show it to her! Can you believe her? Then she also wants to know if I talked to her last night. Ha! Talked! We 'communicated' alright! I don't understand what's bugging her.

Went on a nice hunt with Angela, Ranewin, Ireth and Sy at the Haven Mines. All-girl party, so great fun. Too bad Abigail couldn't join us. Ireth is pregnant but still she fights like hell! What a woman! And Sy, my beautiful Sy. Reckless as ever; I just adore her. At least she's acting normal. Haha! I just can't believe my luck! Feeling very happy.

[flossie]

That utter bastard Amarath! My earlier hunch was right: it didn’t feel right that he was following me. I have been asking around in Hlint. Lots of people have seen him running around with some religious broad. Ha! I would think that would suit him, the prude! It seems they are busy spreading lies about me and I also suspect them of stealing my money. Supposedly the woman is impersonating me. What a petty attempt at revenge! Can’t believe I ever fell for the guy.

[flossie]

Left Hlint. Need to lay low for a while. Amarath and some red-haired priestess, called Vivian, had drugged and kidnapped me. I was lucky to awake too early for them. I was ready to scream "murder" when I heard Sy outside the door. Big row with Amarath. Then this priestess wanted to talk to me alone. Said both Amarath and Sy were a bad influence on me. I was amused. Let her talk, the meddlesome twit. Questioned me about recent days. Where had I been? Had I seen this or that person.? Is she local law enforcement? I had nothing to hide, so I just told her what she wanted to know.

Then she bore down on me: things could not be explained by my answers. People, of which I had no recollection, had seen me, spoken to me. I didn't make sense. I called her a liar, but she did not budge. I called her a thief, but she laid down all her money for me to take. I told her to stop impersonating me, but she only looked puzzled. In the end she seemed very sincere, but who can tell if she's right? She sounded like a nutcase to me. Claimed I had 2 persons in me: one in love with Amarath, one with Sy. I laughed in her face. That didn't stop her. Said she had proof that I was sick. Was this her aim? To pronounce me a lunatic? A menace to society, to be drugged and kept locked away? I laughed again. She scared me.

Then she wanted to talk to Amarath and Sy. I thought to cry out to my love. But then the three of them closed the door and left me in the common room. I just couldn't believe it! Of course I ran. Didn't even bother to pick up my stuff. I just ran free. I hid along the road and waited. Sure, there she came, running. My love. Looking for me, never a doubt. I kissed her and my world turned into heaven and hell, once more. Ah! My sweet, you hurt me so exquisitely. Don't you ever stop!

[flossie]

For several months there have not been any entries into this notebook. Then, when the writing returns, it is in a more eloquent style and a more flowing handwriting.

I have found among my possessions two journals: this one, by a worse side of me and another, by Thais the Righteous One, who frightens me even more. I have known such joy and suffering, that it merits an attempt at understanding. I take up my pen again, so that my thoughts may not be lost and I can reflect upon them. For there are many things that I do not understand, but I know this: I think and therein lies my path to freedom. As of yet, I am still bound. Bonded by the shackles of love and faith and death. Yet, I long to be free. Then, let me tell you, my dear mind on paper, how this came to be.

It seems that after some time my friends, Angela, Abigail and Amarath started to notice a strange split in my being. Apart from my separate feelings for both Sy'Ravenne and Amarath Arowen, there were other changes to my personality that caught attention. I never so much as noticed, such was my happiness to be in love with my Sy and my Amarath. Eventually, Amarath despaired and confronted me with his suspicions; that I had 2 personalities. As he told this to Thaïs the Righteous One, I am sure she tried lay some sort of sob story on him, claiming to be possessed, or else that a doppelganger must be impersonating her. However, with the help of Angela and Abigail, Amarath was able to establish beyond reasonable doubt that this was not the case.

I am almost ashamed to tell how these two sides of me fought against this idea. I remember acts of violent love-making by one and a regime of abstinence and prayer by the other. In the end this caused my body to break-down from all the strain and hardship. Of course, it was the religious Thais that suffered most. Because of all the violence done the her, or my - gee, it is weird to tell about yourself like this- body she was now convinced that she was possessed by the very demon that she once had summoned, and then turned to Ilsare for healing. At the temple of Ilsare in Hlint, the priestess Vivian Elishan answered her call. I recall her examining my body. While Amarath and Vivian tried to calm this Religious Thaïs down, Sy arrived and tried to win me, or rather this bad side of me, away.

I remember loosing control for a moment and when I came to, it was clear to Vivian, who had been watching over me, that I had switched personalities. This bad self-destructive side of me was now in control. With Sy and Amarath having a row in the common room, Vivian questioned her, somehow trying to systematically reveal the truth. I admire her methods, she must have been very thorough, for this bad-Thais became doubtful and was afraid that Amarath and Vivian would restrain her. When Vivian asked for Sy and Amarath to enter the room, she escaped.

Ofcourse, Sy couldn't wait to leave the room soon after that. Oh, yes, I remember her coming after me. Even if my bad personality wanted to be hurt by her, I can still recall how thrilled I was that she wanted me. Even her love for Annun Firith could not keep her away from me. Even if I now think different about this relationship, I know she loved my and I her. Oh, how I miss her *tears stain the page*...

I think this bad-Thais was happy now. Even if she had a masochistic streak. She must have evaded Amarath and Vivian for awhile, but then ran into Abigail. As fate would have it, Vivian also turned up and together they were able to lock me in at the Caring Hope Inn. With no escape, I had to endure Vivian's continued  questioning. She is so clever, that one! She used spells and some form of hypnosis, bringing me into a trance.

I don't remember much of what happened after that, however when I came to, I was standing an a hill top near Port Hampshire. Vivian, Sy and Amarath were there too. Vivian was reasoning with them.  I was able to follow their discussion and learned that Vivian sought to cure me. We all joined hands and then Vivian calmly explained my condition. It seems that, torn between two great loves, my mind had split up. The fault lay with both me and Amarath, both thinking that love was an exclusive emotion. Vivian told us of Ilsare's vision of love being infinite. Thus one could love more than one person. Oh, how I agreed with her! This was so true! It was an answer to all my troubles, or so I thought. But Sy and Amarath did not agree that this could hold for true love. Of course, Sy was willing to share me, as she has always been. Yet, Amarath proved more difficult. I remember Vivian trying her hardest to convince and in the end he gave in. I think it was more in my interest that he did so and for that I love him even more. I felt so happy and relieved! This was what I had always wished for. Now I could love both my loves freely. I revelled in it. This was such a happy time, that it now pains me to think of it. How much different are things now. My luck did not last.

One day, I was waiting impatiently for Sy to join me. She arrived by ship from far Dregar where she now lived with Annun. Just seeing her run up to me filled my heart with such joy that I can still feel it. Yet when I saw her sad face, I knew at once that it was over. Sy was pale and trembling when she told me that she had seen the Soulmother again and was now very close to being taken away forever.

How could this be? My beautiful Sy, with such a lust for life, such a passion for living it. I told her to quit being reckless, to savor her last span of life. And immediately I knew this was just not option, nor would I want it to be. Sy'Ravenne was not be tamed, nor should she try so herself. It would make her miserable. I understood also, even thought it pained me beyond belief, that she wanted to spend these last days with Annun. Not me, I had know that always, but she was her great, true love. I told Sy that I understood. I tried to comfort her, but in the end I couldn't help myself and broke down. Our parting ended in sadness and sorrow. And that was the last that I saw of her. Oh, how I regret this.

For awhile I raved. I did not want to live anymore. I was angry with the Soulmother, angry with Sy, angry with Amarath, hwo only tried so hard to comfort me. A raged against death and love. I died twice and sought to move the Soulmother to exchange my lives for more for Sy'Ravenne. But all this was to no avail. One day, the terrible news that I dreaded every since Sy said her goodbyes, reached me: Sy'Ravenne had died!

I was stricken. I could not breathe. I could not move. I could not think. I could not eat, nor sleep. I know not how long I remained in this state, but had it not been for the care of Amarath, I am sure I would have died. Surely so, for I did not care whether I lived or died.

And then, one day it dawned upon me: this was not me! I know now that my mind has been troubled. Still is. Yet this does not account for the all pain I have felt and the pain that I must have caused to others. Some of it, some of all this mess, is of my own doing. For a long time now I have lived as a slave to my emotions. Bound by love and duty, I have made poor choices, making myself and others miserable. This will not stand. I must act upon my newfound strength and free myself. I want to think and act freely, for only thus can I hope to rid myself of the 'others' , these emotional serfs that bind my mind. I long to be truly free and follow the example of the great scholar and mystic Rofirein.

[flossie]

It has been awhile since I have put my mind on paper.  Much has happened to me in my quest for freedom and I need this moment to question myself, to see how I have fared:

How about fear?
Oh, how I have tried to rid myself of the fear of death!  It is so easy to make up the mind, yet the body rebels. I have stood eye-to-eye with obnoxious ogres and gruesome giants. Bravely, I scouted and I fought them, with sword in hand or arrow knocked. I know now what it is like to be dealt vicious blows by their axes and hammers. To feel one' s bones crunch and flesh tear. I have fallen beneath their onslaught. Several times, even. Yet, I cannot say that I have overcome my fear. Each time I had to face them, I trembled despite my resolve. I sweated, despite my cool mind. I cursed, despite my level-headed reasoning. I can only conclude that I fear them, still.

How about love?
If anything will thwart my quest, it wil be love. I feel that I have not even begun at letting go. I know I must, yet I find myself incapable of acting upon this resolve. I simply cannot not-love. How does one stop the feeling that is evoked by his generous smile? Or, the pang of  jealosy when he looks at another woman? The gut-wrenching sting of fear, when he charges into battle? Or, the overwhelming gloom of having to tell him that it should be over... I am at a loss at how to approach this.

How about lust?
A clever little bonding this is! You will never know it is still there, until it hits you. Quite sudden, oh yes, and with a sweetness that belies its bitter hold. I do not want to succumb to black-haired maidens, nor do I willingly seek moments of ample maple. Still, I find myself wanting them. Badly! I now of no cure for this, however I cling to my training as a priestess and try to keep a calm countenance.

How about loss?
Of all my bonds, the memory of things gone by surely is the strongest. I am shackeled by my feelings and trapped by guilt over the things I have done, especially towards others. Still, there might be a way out of this, as Annun has shown me. I have felt so miserable at having competed with her for Sy's love. I knew I could never win, yet still I tried. I went to her to apologize and then she was so kind. And so wise. I was humbled and owe her a great deal, although she certainly would deny that. She told me, if not in these exact words, that we choose our own bonds. Even if we try to lay claim to another, it is really oneself that is one is tying down, and thus ones own responsibility. Ah! How stupid I must have looked at this revelation. And how glad I am now.

I know I can free myself of all that I feel hampers me in being who I should be. Yet, here is fear again. It rears its ugly head. I must open my mind, but I am afraid of what I might let out. Still, I must try!

[flossie]

She lives! My other great love, Ravenne, held me in her arms and I was lost. Sweet, sweet moment of bliss, but could you last! I fear I am back again at what seemed a nightmare from the past. How am I to choose? The horror made me attempt a desperate act, but Amarath saved me. Still, I feel my control over the 'others' slipping. What am I to do?

[flossie]

I have done it! I renounced the love of both Amarath and Ravenne. I feel immensely sad but, strangely so, also very relieved. No longer is my heart split down the middle. Although I fear I only postponed my choice, for I still love both dearly. But I should not speak of fear. This much I accomplished: I no longer fear to make these choices. My path is clear; I will first find a solution for my problem, before I would make choices about such an important matter of life as love. Annun was right; we are only bound by the choices we make. I have made my choice. I will seek to rid myself of these 'others' that live inside me, and then decide what I am to become or whose I am to become.

Still, with this choice I have hurt the very people that I care for the most. Dear Ravenne was very brave (oh! how could she NOT be!). She accepted my choice and even made an effort to make the farewell as painless as she could manage. Yet, I sensed her distress and know that I must have hurt her deeply. And then there is Amarath. He is trying to cope so hard with my decision at the expense of his own feelings, that my heart breaks every time I think about it. Even though I hurt him, he immediately pledged himself to accompany me on my quest to become 'whole'. Not a moment he doubted. How I would like to rush into his arms and assure him that I still love him! But I can not permit myself to do such a thing. It pains me but I must stay true to my resolve to find a cure first.

As to that, I have a plan. I intend to travel to Pranzis and seek an answer to my troubles at the Church of Rofirein. Either I will find redemption there or I will seek another goal in live to guide me. I am so excited! For the first time I feel like I am taking control of my own destiny. I will try to let Annun's advice guide me. That, and my deep love for Amarath and Ravenne is keeping me sane. I must count myself lucky to be loved and cared for by such people as these.

[flossie]

On a new page the following note is made:

Ha! Years have passed before I set foot in Hlint again. How wonderful to know that banks in this land are so dependable. Lo and behold! What do I find, with but a thick layer of dust on it: my trusty "ol" notebook! It is bemusing to read back, after so much has happened. The only thing I can say about myself - kindly - is that I was young... and mad.

I am not going to recount all that transpired during my absence, just enough so that some traveler who in future may happen upon my bones and belongings, might piece my story together:

Yes, I traveled to Pranzis. Escorted by my dear friends Ravenne and Amarath. Such devotion! Even after I renounced their love, they stood by me. The abt of Rofirein's temple aided me and, with the help of my friends, I -did- find a clue as to the whereabouts of my father. Upon our return, I was accepted back into Rofireins service; the priests unerringly spotting my weakness and using it...

A stupid and unforgivable thing I did then, truly driving away my two best friends - lovers even - for the sake of finding out about my past and impossibly serve the All-seeing Lord. Haha! All-seeing he calls Himself, but with a blind spot bigger than my own!

No, I did not find my father, nor much evidence of him. I searched for years, completely self-absorbed, serving only myself and Rofirein, down to the bitter end.

And yes, of course, -then- I "failed" Him. Again!

I had to...

Well, at least I did not fail myself. Ill did I treat myself, for those long years of madness. It is gone now and with it my strange dichotomy. No longer will I serve two Lords, only one remains. She (yes, it is a she!) is a harsh one, but she suits me. I need only look in a mirror to see her face and the past reflected in it.

Annun is right, still. I should have payed better attention to her wisdom.

[flossie]

Who should I meet on my first foray into Hlint, but Angela! Dear, sweet Angela. Had we not been caught up into our own affairs last time I was here, we would have been like sisters, I am sure. Still, we are good friends and she has always a interesting tale to tell. I can say our reunion was sweet indeed. I smile to see her happy with her new love Alantha, although such things can never last of course.
Angela had much to say about our mutual friends of the past, not all of it good news. I was very sorry to hear of Abigail's demise. Such a drama! I would never have thought it possible that she would take her own life. I owe Abigail a lot and grieve for her loss.., and for Angela's. To have lost her in this way...
Angela also talked about others. Many have left Mistone, or even disappeared. A few died. Some are still around, like Barion, Ireth, Alleine. But what happened to Annun? Or Eamane? She doesn't know their stories it seems.
We had a good chat, Angela and I, and for a time it felt real good to be back in Hlint. That was before Angela retired for the night and went in search of Alantha. I felt the sickly-sweet stab of jealousy then. I stayed the night at the Wild Surge Inn, alone...

[flossie]

Hehe, my loneliness did not last long! There she was, ordering a drink, that sweet red-headed plaything that used to follow Isilme around: Arandwen. I fair surprised her by greeting her. She had no idea I knew her, but who could forget the sight of the Isilme-Eamane couple, and their entourage? I only saw them twice, but it sure was enough.

Arandwen was in a dreadful state, hands shaking and all. She could scarce hold her drink when we settled at a table. I do not blame her, for her story was gruesome. It seems Isilme and Eamane had a rather nasty fall-out, with the latter killing the former in a most dreadful way.

It took a me awhile to get Arandwen into a descent enough shape to get this story out. She looked the better for it. Apparently, she had found herself in Port Hempstead after long years of absence, not sure what to do. A friendly Half-Elf archer by name of Eander, greeted her and saw fit to escorted her to Hlint.

After awhile, Eander walked in and joined us at our table. I must say, heseemed to do a better job at returning Arandwen's good spirits; they were talking happily within the minute. Perhaps it makes a difference, him not knowing about Arandwen's past. I think I put too much strain on it, remembering Isilme and Eamane. I will make no such mistake next time Arandwen and I are alone.

We had a little adventure then, Arandwen, Eander and I. Some other were involved, but I do not remember their names well. A man walked into the inn at Hlint and murdered one, right in front of everyone. He then stormed out. We caught him just outside Hlint. I meant to question him, but his reluctance to answer and the stupid impatience of some in our party, had him killed before I got very far.
We learned enough of the dead man to seek out his mother and follow the trail to his home. We found it burning and were just in time to rescue an important clue from the flames; a letter stating that Corathites were involved.
Afterwards, Arandwen, a nice guy named Ron and I hang out together. We spent our time pleasantly enough at some bar. Tired, Arandwen and I shared a chamber as we did not have enough money to get our own. It was nice to sleep there, together. It has been a long time since I heard the soft breathing of another beside me. It made me feel not so alone.
She is sweet, Arandwen. A scared and anxious creature, but sweet none the less. I hope we can continue our friendship.

[flossie]

Today, Arandwen took me to the house where she used to live with Isilme and Eamane. I will be brief about that visit; it was not nice. It took all of Arandwen's courage to enter and then some. I was glad to be able to support her through the ordeal.
She showed me her room and those of the others that lived there. It was unsettling to see how nothing had changed from that fateful day when Eamane murdered Isilme. Dust lay thick and cobwebs hung from the rafters, but nothing had been touched. Darkened footprints lets us down to the last room, where we discovered Isilme's bones. I shivered, I must admit. But Arandwen, poor Arandwen, she fainted.
I got her out then, taking care of her. She recovered slowly and then announced that she would seal the house. It being a fitting mausoleum for her remains. I nodded my consent, withholding my opinion. If it makes her feel better, let her. Afterward, we returned to Hlint, thirsty for a stiff drink.

[flossie]

Some monkey business! A traveling circus had lost some 20 rare monkeys and offered a reward for their return. Even though it was only a ticket for free admission to tonite's show, people turned up in droves to look for the beasts. I joined them out of sheer boredom.

Then ensuing search was rather enjoyable, the monkeys being hard to catch. I had a good laugh, until one of the infernal beasts sought refuge in my hair, plucking it out by the handfuls. I was hard put to restrain myself from killing it.

Eventually, all but two of the monkeys were returned. One accidentally killed (by me!) and one having taken a liking to a ranger. Some discussion ensued as the ranger sought to buy it; the owner of the circus asking an outrageous price. I think the matter was settled in the end. I won't know for sure as I had left already, waiving my free ticket. I had sure had my fill monkeys for one day!

[flossie]

I met Arandwen again today. She was styling herself in the crafting hall at Port Hempstead. I went up to talk to her, but she seemed very distant. For my life, I can't figure that girl out... yet. Even so, I am no longer as concerned for her well-being. She seems to have pulled her act together, at least for now.

We went hunting in Gloomwood, where Ron had pointed out a cloak could be had  as a boon for slaying undead and a rather dull bully named Zimian. Arandwen and I quit ourselves rather well of this task, I think. The cloak was mine in the end.

We started to return to Fort Vehl when we ran into Ron. He was pleasant company, albeit a bit tight-lipped as is his usual style. I couldn't help noticing the gleam in Arandwen's eye. It is my guess she feels somewhat for Ron and I decided to give them some privacy on the pretext that I was lugging to many uncured hides around.

I thought it well done, the feeling lasting only a blissful five minutes. It was loneliness that claimed me then; my trustworthy companion. I envy Arandwen, that she can find solace in the attention of others. Why can't I be like that? The answer still escapes me.

[flossie]

I had not thought that my praying to Ilsare would have such a profound effect on my life. Ha! I had not even thought that I would pay homage to any of the gods, ever again. If it was not for Vivian's gift, I might never have.

Feeling miserable and disappointed, I had more or less decided to leave Mistone again. However, when I was packing, I came across the holy symbol of Ilsare that had been Vivian's gift to me. So long ago, but it still moved me, this simple gesture of hers that marked my return to sanity.
I thought it only fitting that, unable to find Vivian herself, I should thank Ilsare whom she served. Sitting there, before Her beautiful statue, I felt rather empty and devoid of any love. I tried to explain why I was there, maybe even more to myself than to Ilsare. Her priestess saw me struggling and came over to ask if I was well. My face must have shown I was not, for she knelt beside me and stroked my hair, whispering a prayer.
I am  not sure what happened next. Maybe it was something she said: "Life is worth living because of the beauty found in the world and the love that draws hearts together." Or something like it. It just struck a cord in me and I broke down in tears.
Looking back on it, I almost feel ashamed. Certainly I have tried my best to put myself beyond these petty feelings. But there I was, clinging to this priestess, sobbing like an idiot. It must have made pretty sight; a grown woman, usually so proud, blowing her nose in the kerchief handed to her.
I can't really explain it - and still feel a bit foolish - but something changed in me, then and there. A gloom was lifted off me; my heart seemed to expand, encompassing the world in all its glory. I felt elated, drunk almost on its beauty. The priestess smiled and left me to thank Ilsare. Which I did, groveling at her great marble feet, like I had not sworn to never fall for a god's wiles again.

I am not sure what to think of this, but one things has become clear to me: I -do- love Life. And, for once, it seems to love me back. Things have gone rather smoothly after this: I have made new friends, I find joy in crafting nice things and.. and I dare to hope again. Hope that one day I may love again.. love like I once did. Maybe I have gone mad again, but if so, let it be.

[flossie]

At this point a page has been ripped out of the little notebook. The next page is half-torn and splattered with what looks like blood. There is a single entry, more like a crazed scrawl smeared in the blood:

HE HAS FOUND ME!!!

After this there are no more entries in the journal, which now rests with Thais' other remaining possessions in a rough-spun hempen sack right outside the Gate to Port Hempstead, next to the Ox Merchant. The sack lies open, things seem to have been pulled out if it in great haste. Bloodied bandages lie scattered on the ground.