Maev's Thoughts on Everything

[Redhawk]

Apreal 15, 1410

So. Here I am. Back in Hlint. Warming my hands over the journal I had written so much in before. I reread it. It makes a good  fire.  All those years, just trying to find myself a Dad. Stupid decisions that I’ve made. Things I gave up.  I am a person, I am a woman with a life and much to give to this world beyond my sword and my conviction.  I have severed my ties with Toran. I’m done with the church, I’m done with a fickle god who will deny me some joy before I am devoured by the Soul Mother.
For the past 8 months I’ve been, a “guest” in a camp of vile humans called the Vine. Oddly, I met one of the most interesting  woman. Ranalea.  Beautiful, smart… a little too cruel for my tastes, but very enjoyable company. I think she held out hope that she could recruit me for that fickle wench Xeen as soon as she exposed my doubt, and although that won’t happen, bringing my doubt into the day light has given me a new lease on life.
Toran is not what I’m about anymore, my effort to become clergy, my assumption that this is my calling was me further trying to erase my doubts.  And I have many. Funny that as soon as I took my oath, every death, every collapse on the battle field was a trip to the soul mother. I am lucky for the events that led me to Ranalea.  I almost threw my entire life away.  My last night with them, my last surrender to my doubts and the shedding of my vows was an amazing eye opener.  The pleasures that one can experience. I have truly been reborn, I’ve destroyed the walls that stood between me and a true life.  Today I am a  cleric of life.  A lover who really feels the blessings.  I am growing in my skills to handle divine energy, even now as I leave behind the lies of a life I used to lead.  I will find a church that is truly mine. I will find a place where I truly belong.  And the Soul Mother will be denied the rest of my soul.

I fear I’ve been irresponsible on my journey here. I had no idea one could have so much fun in taverns.  I should find a house to settle myself into, a place to begin my real life. A place to base my new hopes and aspirations. There are so many beautiful people about!

[Redhawk]

Freas, Mai 6, 1410

Lost they call me. Insane they tell me. No one seems to understand what I've done. No one gets my motives. I am not lost, I'm done being lost. I'm done paying my father's debts to Toran. I am not going to die young like my mom just so my dad can smile at my memory. He never noticed me when I was here, he hasn't spoken a peep in the 10 years since I left, and the only hope I had was that by feeding myself to the Soul Mother he would at last be able to appreciate me. I'm done. I am now living for myself. The debt that we O'Leary's owed to Toran won't be repaid on my life, Toran took my dad, took my mom and almost took me. I will die on my own terms. If it be in the service of a god, it will be on my terms.  A theology that makes sense to me and doesn't require me to sacrifice the person I am

If my fear is correct, I best stop drinking. I'm usually like clockwork. Now I'm late.

I've been in Kharl's house working on my sword work, remembering the drills that carryed me thru before I could enhance my skills with divine spells. I must test myself against a real opponent. I am afraid. It maybe more than my own life I have to look out for now.

This fills me with joy, more than I ever knew I could feel. I hope that my intuition is correct. Even if I'm less than sure of the father.

*Maev's laughter rings out when she finishes the last sentence*

[Redhawk]

Ju  r 7,   410,

*drop of something smears the date and makes it barely legible*


Well that takes it, 3 months waiting for my moon blood and nothing.  It is good that I’ve stopped the drinking.  *She grins a bit* And at this point, I’m just as healthy and maybe even more cleaned out than when I was waging war on the battle field.  I went into the Mines near here and worked out a bit on the ogres.  No spells but the runes in my helm and the necklaces I bought from Jharl.  I can battle, but I’m so much weaker.  They went thru my defenses easily.  But I didn’t die and piled plenty of corpses about the floor.  Been a long time since I shed blood.  I am conflicted. I’m so used to shedding blood for a reason, so used to drawing my sword for a purpose that to draw simply to stretch out and test my skills seemed *she pauses and gazes off into the middle distance* Well I’m moving even further from Toran.  I found a book on Kharl’s s shelf about the sword style and use. Some of the stuff I learned back at the temple when I grew up and trained to be a paladin, but this was written without the spiritual bent.  Dry and to the point. It gave me some tips and I’ve been trying them on the training dummy. Working hard. I have to talk to Kyle Pandorn and see if he can offer anything to improve my form and my defense.  

I must find Honora. Spending my days in Kharl’s house and sleeping in the woods. Well I can’t bring this child into the world in Kharl’s house or even Q’s house.  *she giggles a bit*  Imagine him coming back from who ever knows where he wandered off to and finding me not only followed down his path but raising a kid in his house.  I'm pretty sure Honora will take me in and we can work out a way for me to rent.  Honora’d be a good person to have around a kid.  Maybe I can talk to Treana. She has done a  fine job raising that kid of hers. Ironic.  My old enemy, now a devout and faithful Toranite, possibly my only hope to find a place other than this camp to raise my kid.

I hope I do right by you baby, I’ve sure made a mess of my own life ….

[Redhawk]

Oclar 1, 1410

Well. Toran takes one last parting shot at me. I deserved it. So let’s see.  I began to swell and waddle and move with great difficulty.  So I found a midwife and began planning for birth.  Yesterday, my body decided to bring the baby into the world much too early.  I was confused at the timing.  Puzzled at what was occurring.  By the time the midwife got my bird I was wracked with full labor pains and there was no going back.  Together with the midwife we brought the baby into the world.  And then I understood.  There really was a lot wrong with the child.  There is no way he would’ve survived. Deformed and unable to support life, even meager life, he came into the world to die.  I am too old to begin having children, and I was too reckless with his conception.  I will recover. Tomorrow I take him across Mistone to my hometown. I will bury him with my mother.  

Toran. You are a spiteful one.  I knew you would get even with me.

Justice is always served.

What will my path be next?

[Redhawk]

Novlar 19, 1410

Toran’s justice is always exacted on the weak.  I know that now.

I went to the old temple, my childhood home.  Word of my fall preceded me. I was met on the road by two over zealous farm boys with longswords and badly polished armor. They informed me that I was not welcome.  They touched the hilts of their swords and pointed in the direction I’d come.  Even in my grief, the show of force made me laugh.  Sad that my own people, those who I’d know even before I took any pledge, would reject me without a hearing.  I roughed them up badly and sent them back to the temple to inform who ever was in charge that I was coming and they better either let me in or mount an army and kill me.  Q had sent me a letter of regret, having heard of my loss from my midwife, so I sent him a bird and asked him to let the temple know that I was to be aloud on the grounds, despite my failure to uphold my oath.  My threat of violence and word from the Hand was enough to calm them.  But that did not stop them from spitting on me as I walked through the compound to the cemetery.  Even Mulroney, the man who’d been my other father, had cursed me and spat on me.  So I buried my son in the family plot, the place reserved for me.  And as I sat in silence, an initiate made sure to stop and bounce a few rocks off of me.  I wept.  The pain in my soul is a cavern.  But it’s my pain, and it’s real.  I will carry it.

Gathering all the courage I could find, all the rage that had carried me through so many battles, I walked to the main building, the barracks and demanded of the keep master to see my father. To know where he was.  His plot was empty, and though he must be ancient by now, I know that means he still walks among us.  He screamed at me and began calling me horrible names and told me that my father was too embarrassed to be seen by me.  I called him a fool and a tyrant and much worse. As the argument moved towards violence a blind ancient cripple limped out of the barracks.  With a profound speed and accuracy, he laid the keep master out and then turned to me.  At his eager beckoning I followed him across the compound across the cemetery and down a long path in the woods.  He brought me to the home reserved for Toran’s retired servants-- the cripples, the ancients.  A hidden place where they can go to die in peace without disturbing the initiates.  In a room I found the hollow shell of my father, a man with almost no mind left, broken by years in the crypts and shadowy places.  A man who was destroyed trying to fight fairly with things that don’t fight fair.  Made comfortable to wait the final moment.  He didn’t recognize me or even remember me.  This was what I had been working towards.  I held my father and wept for both of us.  My weeping profoundly upset him and he began to bang on the floor and recite old Toranite battle prayers. So I kissed him and left.  

I left under a torrent of rocks and spit.  I can only hope that Q hasn’t gotten himself in trouble for sticking up for me.

I’ve let my hair grow.

On the journey back,  I saw a half giant tending to a plot of farmland and thinking it was the long lost Michael Mordecai, I stopped.  We talked for a while and he let me sleep in his barn.  Over breakfast he invoked the blessing of Grannoch, the mother of giants.  Curious, especially from my time with Michael, I asked him about his goddess.  He produced a book he’d written about her and pressed it into my hand.  I’ve been reading it for sometime.  It is fascinating.  I need to track down a cleric of this one. I’m also hoping to speak to the Az’attites I know.  I have much to offer someone.

[Redhawk]

Sunra, Mai 1, 1411

Nine days till my birthday. Sixteen years I've been at this journey. Now, at 34, I'm about to figure out how to live. Funny, ironic.

Finally tracked down Daren, the highest Az'attite I've ever met.  This after spending time with Erik.. ah, Erik.  Daren and Erik have set me straight about this whole gotta find me a god to follow thing. Az'atta is a fascinating place for me to land. She is all about salvation and her church has nothing to say about hierarchy, order, ways of doing things. You are a person first. And the rest, well, as Daren put it, the rest is Az'atta is your friend, helping you get through get by and enjoy life. She offers salvation to the misfits. And man am I a misfit now. I'm going to chase this Az'atta ideology down, but I did have a thought about how much I sounded like a Ilsarian at one point. So I'll check into that as well, but this whole finding a god thing is over from here. I'm going to heal my heart and live my life.  Jil showed up while I was talking with Daren and I've got a job with the orphanage in Prantz.  I'm going to teach philosophy and theology to the little ones. Teach them to read and think. Very important stuff. But for me, it will be wonderful to spend time with the kids. Speaking of Erik. Odd to find myself healing my heart and trying to sort out the idea of adult love. Erik has been patient andpersistent in his pursuit of me. He hardly knows me, but is smitten and the more he finds out the more willing to forgive. I worry though, he is quite a bit younger than me. I am not a young woman, and I've lived hard. I'm not sure that I can have kids. Why would a young man want to surrender the desires of youth on a worn out old woman like myself?

I'm spending some time in the Az'atta temple talking with the clerics. Actually, arguing with them. They do seem to prefer that I debate the points they make rather than ask questions and accept the answers.  I really thought they all hated each other when I arrived, all of them debating with each other. I even heard one cleric declare that Az'atta hadn't ascended, she wasn't even a God. Very entertaining.  So different from the place I lived. Looking forward to getting to Prantz and teaching the kids.

[Redhawk]

*As her companions puzzle out the findings from the top floor of the tower, Maev finds a quiet corner and takes out her journal and a pencil*

I'm really not sure what today is, either it's the confusion of the magic in this place or my mind is beginning to slip. Funny, just as I embrace reality , I'm going to go crazy. My soul is weary, a weak grasp of sanity is expected in times like this. The soul mother has claimed almost all of that thing that keeps us bound to this realm.  The date doesn't matter.

Before we entered here, I touched a stone enchanted with death. Slipped through the veil without an ounce of violence. Life here is so fraudulent. There were no voices, no gods gathered round a table, there was nothing. Empty, black space, no lights. Behind me, as if through a thick layer of ice, was the place we all call home. Light, bright, busy and if I strained my ears I could catch snatches of what was being said. I knew I could also turn away from the layer of ice and float. Off into nothing, nowhere, no place, no connection. A vast nothingness without meaning.  We tell ourselves so many lies to survive this world. We know that the gods watch over us from far far away, that they care somewhat, but they have a vision and an experience that goes beyond the lives and grasps of even the oldest elf. We live, we die, our bodies rot and our soul drifts off into another plane. We can stand at the window straining to hear those we left behind speak, or we can close our eyes and float off into the nothing forgetting what we once were. And those we left behind will forget us the same, and the gods we serve will forget us even sooner. This divine energy that I can channel, it doesn't belong to any one god. I'm but a lightening rod in a thunder storm. I can claim that it is a gift from this god or that god all I want, but in the end I'm only one small grain of sand piling up to make a beach. No grain of sand can ever know the whole beach.  I have the ability to channel the lightening, I can do it in the service of whatever god I choose.  It is only for me that I serve a god, it is not for the God that I do the service.  It is for those struggling to find meaning in this meaningless waste that I will do my service.  And I will lie to them, I will tell them that when they die, if they followed whatever tenants I latch onto, they will go to spend eternity in the plane of the God they serve. But then they will find themselves in the void, faced with drifting off and forgetting it or peering at us filled with the loss of life wasted. Will they haunt me for lying to them or will they be grateful that I did what ever I could?  And what God am I going to match up well with? What god is going to be my path to being remembered, if that is possible?  I've been back to Hlint recently and my story is unknown, so many strangers.  Nepp, Ash, Kharl, all dead. Mikey is gone, Asher has become a hermit. I remember once, in full fraudulent glory, telling Treana that all that mattered was dying with a Prayer to Toran on my lips. I would spend my eternity pounding on the glass, demanding another chance. But is there a god that I can channel divine energy for who will allow me to be honest? Or am I just a fighter, sword held high, defending my compatriots in the time of battle? Maybe I'm just a mercenary now, a battle scarred veteran, a fallen one with sword skill to hire. I will lay a blaze of glory across this place, I will live and when I'm finally claimed, they will tell stories of me and my deeds. They will tell how I loved and lived with the fury of a thousand fires.

As long as I'm thinking about the time when I'm beyond the aid of the bind stones, I better set this down.  I wish all my belongings, my sword, my shield, the contents of my vault in the banks of Dregar and Mistone, all my gold, to go to my heart sister, Honora. She is one I wish to emulate,  a true leader, if she where to die tomorrow, they wouldn't forget her any time soon. The gods would, but those of use who know her would tell her story for a long time. Like those of Cole. I maybe crazy, I may have lost my faith, but I have found a life neither sanity nor faith could ever offer.

*The next page is torn out, Maev writes over a piece of her message and slips it into Honora's pocket as soon as she gets a chance*

[Redhawk]

Wedlar, Mai 11, 1413


So this is it. So be.  Now I leave behind all that ever meant anything, all that I held fast to.  All that remained of the old Maev O’Leary, washed out to sea in a mad tempest.  I had given up on Gods, given up on serving any god for any reason and then one choose me. One who I once swore to work till my last breath to oppose, and now I find myself in her service. Mist… the Lady of Doom.  How else could explain the way the chaotic thought crept into Beli’s mind? How else could I explain the way the foolish plan unfolded?  I didn’t understand. Even after we’d walk clear across the plain of chaos and stood before the headless king.  Even after she had appeared before us and demanded a boon in exchange for being returned from her realm to ours.  When she dismissed my life from my body without pause and then bound me to her… Then I understood.   So she is the one I am to serve with whatever breath I have left, however long I have till the Soul Mother claims me.   At least there will be freedom here, at least there will be no judgment for the amount of wine I drink.  I will find happiness, I will unleash myself upon the world like a storm.  I will not love her, but she and I have talked.  I have an understanding, I am to serve the madness.  I am to become the madness.  And when she comes back to claim her boon. I will be strong and ready and willing. This is the new debt I have to repay. Corathians. Ilsarians. Pyrtechonites.  These is the bed I made for myself, this is what I’ve been chosen for at this moment. Mine isn’t to question, mine is to drink heavily and do the best I can to get thru.  May her storms wash me clean.

[Redhawk]

Sunra, Jular 22, 1413

So I've gone and done it. I've painted the Lady's crest on my shield. Every time I go into battle, let me remember both what I've left behind and what I am for now. Let me not forget. This is where you've fallen to. This is the last stop. Soul Mother, take me. I am done here. I have failed.