Kinai's Book of Darks

[Interia_Discordius]

A small breeze passed by me, and although I would normally enjoy such a caress by the air, my heart felt like it stopped pumping in my chest. It felt as if some part of me was torn away and thrown to the side...

A connection between lovers broken apart...

Gone. A month before the wedding, and he's gone.

"It seemed like a fine idea at the time."

But he's gone now. I should have never mentioned finding the entrance to Pandemonium to him. When that breeze passed, I knew he had left somewhere to his true destiny, that same destiny we spoke of in each other's arms by Firesteep.

Yet I feel so alone. So dreadfully alone.

And I ran to find comfort, throwing open the door to our home.

Home...It no longer feels like a home. A house, but not a home. I sit there and it feels like I stepped into an illusion of my memories, that maybe he's just around the corner sorting through the ore or some such.

Seras cries a lot more now, and sometimes babbles about "Da-da" to me. She would never understand, but I know she'll slowly forget who he ever was.

I will never forget...I'll learn to cope time and again like always. I know he can handle himself out there, wherever he is, and in the end, he's having fun. Be it Pandemonium, the heavens above, the earth below...It's fun. It's always been fun for him. I'll join him someday, even if that means leaping across the very planes myself.

The strength is gone right now, though. I have not told anyone, don't even want to. I cancelled the wedding and I'll leave into the woods for a few months, leaving Seras with someone else, and just vanish and become one with the shadows until my mind is settled and my soul numb. Until I am the nothing that I should have been.

Coped with the knowledge of my crimes, understanding the love for a tiefling man could not be mine, and now...

Now the very man who would lay down his life a million times for me is most likely dead, will never return, and I have nothing but his child, his remaining legacy.

I cannot count my blessings today, and Shadon's teachings sound nothing but false to my ears.

I am nothing.

[Interia_Discordius]

There is no sound as she steps, the ground barely stirring at her feet as she glides across the forest floor. Her cape ripples out behind her, the fine fabrics seemingly glowing even as they are dyed dark. Her entire figure is shrouded in shadows, and her hood is pulled down low.

Behind her trails a tiefling, a tiefling many would be familiar with if they knew Kinai. His tail occasionally swishes but he too moves with the same, silent grace. He holds her provisions for her, unbothered by the extra weight, his red eyes observing her as they walk.

No word is exchanged. No warning. She would occasionally pause and attack something or someone, and he would assist, and when they were finished, they moved on. No close calls were stopped and breathed with relief over, no easy fights filled with enthusiasm for their simplicity.

Movement, and only that. They travelled from Mistone to Dregar, and neither talked when they parted ways. The world around them was their language, and both communicated easily without ever opening their mouth. There was nothing to say. Her husband was gone, she was alone, and her mind was chasing itself in circles on things she knew she could not change. Dur'Thak's presence merely existed, and she made sure she could fully be alone and handle the isolation before daring to take comfort in another.

But those matters were nothing when your feet walked on through eternity. Nothing mattered. Seras was someplace safe being cared for by people more stable than her at the moment, and Kinai continued her search to find solace and peace for her chaos-driven mind and soul.

It was something she had to do, and the future, she knows, holds on to promises of hope or ruin that will decide her fate.

For now, she would move on in silence.

[Interia_Discordius]

The portal to Pandemonium shimmered enticingly in front of her, and Kinai stood silently in front of it, a purple rose in her hand. She cried freely now, no longer holding back the tears, throwing aside the mask she had worn in front of others.

Despite her smiles, despite how she acted, she didn't feel alright...If she knew she was going to ever get better, it would take years.

She wasn't sure if she could wait that long. If he could, even.

Taking a deep breath, she tossed the rose, the dim light coming from the portal lighting up the petals with an unearthly glow. She watched as it faded away from sight, stolen away by powers she could never fathom.

The same powers that had stolen her husband from her...

She forced herself to relax as she felt her nails digging into her palms, but just as the anger cooled, the sorrow crashed over her like a wave. The strength in her legs vanished, and she collapsed to the ground, sobbing.

If one could drown in sadness, if one could choke on ones' own tears, she would have died.

"I'll go too," she murmured to the ever listening, ever watching portal. "I'll follow you someday when I finish what we have left to do here, and we ... We can be together again. I promise."

Biting down on her lower lip, she dropped her head against her arm, sprawled across the ground. The floor chilled her hot, tear-stained cheeks, but brought no comfort.

Her hand closed over his wedding band hanging from a chain around her neck, and for a long time she stayed there, fighting herself against leaping in too.

There was too much left here to do still.

"I'm sorry, Hawklen..."

[Interia_Discordius]

Kinai stood in front of Hawklen's altar in their home, examining the designs etched into the stone. Seras was sprawled out across the bed, snoozing softly, in the main room outside, and a brief smile touched Kinai's lips at her snores.

Yet the smile vanished, and she dropped down to the seat by her side with a small sigh. She drew circles with her finger on the cover of her black book of darks, the book that kept every secret and memory despite how painful they were.

Such a fair, unprejudiced way memory worked...It never blocked out happiness, and it never cut out sorrow. It always existed. It was the mind that was prejudice, and simply that.

Flipping the book open, she wrote down a very short, yet very strong sentence with the raven-feathered quill that had taken down so many thoughts and so many sorrows.

I will never love another.

She set the quill and book, still open, to the floor outside and closed the door, shutting herself in pure darkness. The murmurs of sleep talk her daughter was making was stopped short.

With a bit of flint and steel, she lit each candle in the room until it was aglow with warmth, and knelt down in prayer. Her eyes closed, hands clasped, she kept her head bowed for what felt like eternity before finally speaking in a whisper...

"Shadon, keep him safe from himself when he gets into trouble, and let him know for me that I love him still and always will. You've been a good god to us, despite the many surprises we have gotten, and in the end, it's another path we all walk. I pray that you have his path and my path cross again, despite how long it will take, and that it will be the fun and unexpected way you always do...I'll continue to pray and support what church you have as always, and... thank you for bringing me this never-boring life. Despite my complaints, it's...Been interesting."

Getting to her feet, she licked her fingers and began to fizzle each flame of the candle out until the shadows dominated the room again, and stepped out of the altar room to prepare a warm meal for her and her daughter. Her steps felt somewhat lighter, and she hummed the tune she and Hawklen always used to without even realizing it.

[Interia_Discordius]

After kissing Seras good-night, Kinai plopped down at her husband's desk and opened up a drawer, pulling out her journal. She stirred her quill in the ink, contemplating, before finally writing...

Dear Hawklen,

She paused there, absentmindedly nibbling at a finger, before continuing with...

I'm not sure if you'll get these letters, but I'll close them up and toss them into the portal whenever I get enough. Just a way to say hey, love, this is what's going on in the world you moved on from...Just a way for you to know what I've been up to.

Shiff and Valmara had a daughter named Tyra. Cute thing, but a bit big for her age. He seemed so overjoyed just to have his child in his arms, chewing on everything in sight. Honestly, it kind of reminded me of the look you got on your face when you held Seras.

And yes, love, you did get all warm and fluffy about it.

That was the first time in a long time I had a connection with someone outside of us. It's hard for me to find a smile in anything nowadays besides our own child. Everyone seems to live in another life, in another dream, and I stand in reality and just watch, torn away. I'm not sure how to feel about it yet, but now, everything seems so temporary. No wonder Shadon told us to enjoy it as much as we could...

That's what I think Shadon meant when he said enjoy life. People take it as such a moment by moment basis, yet that isn't the point. It's about focusing on what makes you happy and what makes you feel content despite what others say and think, and that when you lie on your death bed, you can smile and say, "No regrets."

I'm not quite sure if I can say that yet, but I think that's the goal in my life...To accept my mistakes, push aside the flaws that can't be fixed, and just dive for the next goal...To be satisfied with what I got and get what I want.

Doesn't mean I don't need to really hurt anyone else. There's no hurting in self journeys anyhow. It's just moving on to what you gotta do. You gotta do what you gotta do.

I hope whatever you're doing over there is fun. I'm praying for you as always and keeping everything clean and nice looking. Maybe I'll throw a party in your name at the house sometime and get all the cupboards cleaned up of all the food. It's really too much for just Seras and I to eat.

Always thinking of you, love, and feeling your call to the place I think now is our real home.

To that place called Pandemonium.

E ceela aey,
Kinai Ancalime

Placing the quill to the side, she re-read the journal, flipping the page in a move to write a completely new one. She shook her head at her own actions, though, and took a blank piece of parchment out. She spent more time in recopying it, being sure all looked nice and well, before rolling it up and setting it aside. She planned to deliver it sometime in the next few days.

[Interia_Discordius]

The plans are coming to a close... Zoraje's tie has been broken, and now, once I have collected the poisons of this world, I will focus on becoming the greatest bounty hunter alive...

But the end is calling, Seras my only reason to stay, and once I have talked to Daralith about my plans and they are finished, I will close my diary once and for all and follow Hawklen to the unknown. It's no good for things to end this way, but at least I won't have any unfinished business here.

Only one true thing remains...
Find Daralith.

[Interia_Discordius]

"I have found in my life that, when a being is at a cross roads, that fate will push them one way."

Wren's correct in that, and I suppose Fate is what had me meet Shiff, Daniel, and Wren at the pond in Hempstead when I was going through to give a final good-bye before seeking out Daralith...

I realized that, despite how I feel, I have to stick in there and come to some form of terms with Hawklen's vanishing act... Enough of where it no longer hinders me, at least. I can't let it ruin me. I'll meet him someday, but until then, I'll do what I need to do here.

Instead of saying see you to the others, I found myself talking to Wren, and I felt at peace for the first time in over a year. Seras was the only one before who I fought for, but now, I feel like it's less fighting now and more accepting. He promised he'd help me, he promised he'd never hurt me...

So I agreed. Just a date; dinner and conversation...He can meet little Seras and we can catch up on the times. Maybe he can tell me why he has the scar on his cheek.

I don't expect anything serious... Guess I'm just feeling a little lonely.

But...One can never really be sure about that sort of thing, right? I'll go with what works, and I'm pretty sure Fate will be somewhat nicer after the abyss I have gone through.

For now, I'll take comfort in knowing I have someone there who can make life easier for me, and maybe I can do the same in return for them.

Or so I hope.

[Interia_Discordius]

What a terrible act I have done...
Yet, it had to be worth it...

Why?[/i][/u]

[Interia_Discordius]

I've told myself by now that Seras is in a better place, and despite what logic I have telling me I should save her from Daralith, I've left her there. It isn't about caring or not, it's the fact that there's no other suitable teachers. I've seen the sharp look in her eyes when she wakes up from her occasional nightmares, the way those deep blues snap over the entire room with the speed of that of mine before relaxing. Perhaps Hawklen and I really were meant to be adventurers, because when I saw the way Seras took in the world, I could see her a decade later doing it for an occupation, a path.

She carries our genetics, his legacy, and my darkness...I fear sometimes what that may mean, what that could result in under claws of one like Daralith, but there is no turning back now.

Out of sight, out of mind... I can't let this bother me. This is for her own good...So I keep telling myself, at least.

Acedia has helped me forget, although not so much in forgiving myself. You know, one never realizes that they can love their own gender until it hits them. Maybe it's rare for most, as I've only seen two other couples like us, but as I've said countless times before; Normalcy isn't for me. Who knows, perhaps this was meant to be...

Either way, she's my apprentice and significant other. I have taught her how to better herself in her ways as she teaches me to accept mine. The scars that line both of our arms are our way of comparing past lives, past stories...It's hard to imagine nowadays that I even did that to myself.

Not that the urge has ever left me...

Nevertheless, Acedia and I travel together. Although it's hard for me to treat her fairly, as at times I am embarrassed of my choice, I am as nice to her as I possibly can be...

No one should expect anything more...The face of Hawklen has yet to leave my immediate thoughts, and for some reason, I sometimes doubt it ever will.

I'm not proud of me right now.

[Interia_Discordius]

When you give all of your love to one man, and then that one man goes, you figure you can never love again. So much emotion was spent on Hawklen that when he left, I believed the breaking of my heart would last for eternity.

And with a broken heart, I was also certain that I would never love another...He was the one person who stood with me through all of the difficult times, who held me when I cried, and who could see through the veil I kept up for others to be fooled by...There was no one else. He knew me, he cared for me, and he was my partner for life...

Yet, as I write this, I realize I write in past tense. He -was- the one ... Now, he's gone... Not forgotten, no, but gone.

As a woman of shadow, solitude is something I am very used to... Being feared as well. Mystery shrouds me as it does most of my kind, of my profession, and those who dislike secrecy would most likely dislike us. Resignation would be a good word to describe my emotions, as I gave in to what I felt would be my fate...My fate of one word.

Isolation.

I spent so much time pushing others away from me, staying hidden at home with Seras...She was miserable, I could tell. A depressed mother can't do much for her own child, after all. I think she blamed herself, in a way. Children seem to have an uncanny ability in making everything that's wrong in the household their own fault.

Maybe that's the real reason I had to practically give her away...

Enough of that. I didn't pick up my pen to think of why I did what I did with Seras... I'm here to write about love.

I guess I'm still shocked over how Acedia just... Stepped into my life. I thought I was drained of love, but the energy returned to me as her lips touched mine. I was able to sincerely tell her that I loved her.

And she, with her expression filled with happiness, was able to say it back.

Those nights, both by the Zainge River and in Haven, were beautiful. The moonlight lit up her gray eyes and bathed her skin till it was a creamy pale. Our scars looked like tribal tattoos instead of shameful marks. For once, I was able to walk without my memories and regrets haunting me.

We spend much time together...

I took her hand a fortnight ago and traced the constellation of Shadon. Her reaction brought a smile to my face...I have been considering both telling her of Him and what I truly thought of His teachings. To me, He isn't the idiot that other followers always seem to make him out to be... I think Shadon teaches the enjoyment of life not on a level of constant drinking and festivities, but to enjoy life so that, when one dies, that person doesn't regret their actions.

To me, he teaches respect of self and appreciation of what the self has.

I wonder what the Scamp thinks up there, having such a serious follower like myself...Not to mention the fact I'm a human. I pray a lot, and my pranks are more for my own survival than to be silly. I try to be proud of myself, but with my recent action with Seras, it's been difficult. I find myself wishing her safety and feeling bad for what I've done than accepting it's been done and moving on.

Well, each to their own...They say time heals even the deepest wounds, and I can't rush myself. Enjoyment of life is experiencing the good, the bad, and the ugly...I have always wanted to be a person to be familiar with even the strangest of situations. It has been my goal since day one. I think Shadon would understand...

My true gratitude for my existence only grows, after all...

Even still, I would like to meet him someday...I would like to ask him what he truly meant by his teachings, and if I may spread his word and will for him where none others have stepped up to do so.

Pyrtechon has an avatar, as do some other gods... Maybe if I ask around enough, my dream may come true.

[Interia_Discordius]

Kinai flips to the page where all of the original text regarding her search was written. She had copied this onto notes, placing them up around gathering areas of Shadonites.

I've been searching for information regarding the avatar of Shadon, and if there is any chance that I may be able to meet him for myself and speak to him. If anyone is aware of any location I can start searching for, it would be much appreciated. I have with me a box of good items to pull off pranks with for rewards, or straight jink as payment could work as well.

Payment will be given after decent information is received. I will not give out rewards to someone who wants to pull a prank with me, after all.

Signed above a single, red line,
Kinai Ancalime, wife of the late cleric of the Scamp known as Hawklen

Her eyes scan down the page, a single word written below it... Khitis, it said. Her mind puzzled over the letters that made up that unknown word. Someone had scribbled it onto her note below her paragraph.

Flipping to a new page, she begins to write.

Clever little Shadonite, if that's who wrote Khitis down... It would have been helpful if I knew if it was a location, a person, or an object...Either way, it's better than nothing. At least now, I have a start. We all know it has to be a noun, at the very least.

I've posted up in a few taverns asking if anyone was familiar with the word...If all else fails, there's always the Great Library. Maybe I'll find a linguist in the meantime someplace and make sure Khitis isn't a word in another language. That'd be a laugh, having it be "Sock" or something in Elven. I can't afford to be tricked out of this...I have to do this.

I also will have to tell Acedia about everything in case I end up vanishing for a while... I'm hoping that, before then, I could convince her to consider Shadon so I can take her with me. Who knows, maybe I'll even get lucky and be able to convert her.

That's something to deal with later, though... For now, I'll have to continue on with my search and see if the public folk of Layonara may have information for me.

May His optimism carry me through.

[Interia_Discordius]

Dur'Thak and I talked some time ago, and my mind had blocked out thoughts on it till recently...I suppose sitting here by the grove where we had our first real conversation forces the memories back. I still remember vividly when he took off his helm. Gaunt face, yes, but the most riveting eyes I had ever seen.

We talked about our skeletons in the closet, of ourselves, of everything that could come into our heads and anything...It had started snowing, and that was when I first mentioned "soul sickness" to him. I'm a bit ashamed now, thinking of how I used to be, but I couldn't help it.

I was so desperately in love with him.

He had handed me a rose then, still with its thorns. I don't believe it was in a gesture of love, although even to this day, I couldn't tell you what could have been going through his mind when he did it. It's still with me, wrapped in a bit of parchment and tucked next to the bouquet of purple roses Hawklen had given me as well.

In our most recent conversation, however, the somehow haunted and yet strangely gentle Dur'Thak was gone. Replaced by it was a creature who no longer even knew the meaning of the word focus, the one word he was so hooked on before, the one word he had taught me.

He's changing, and something in him now scares me. It's almost as if he took pleasure from my pain when he had me breaking down and crying over Seras. The man pulled at my heartstrings with such skill, yet when I demanded to know what he was thinking, he had no idea what I was babbling about.

And he was so cold when I flat out told him the truth about Seras...

Something in my snap brought me into the past, how I struggled through the years of helpless obsession for him, and I had to know. No longer did I want to be chained under a maybe that could never happen, I wanted to be set free so I could be with Acedia, or -someone-, without it being his abnormal warmth and his embrace I thought of.

So I asked him.

In the end, the answer had been simple. There would never be an us. It came as a slap to the face when he had first uttered the words, but the pain slipped into an even more surprising relief. Freedom... It was like he had granted me closure through one simple sentence.

I hugged him then, for once without feeling like I could never let go. I felt so alive.

And now, sitting here, I am only concerned for his well-being...As a friend. The elf part of him now taints the Abyss, he had written on a book of his. I figure that means that he is now willing to embrace the demon and fall into darkness...

I wouldn't know, but something in me gets the chills thinking about it...

[Interia_Discordius]

//Kinai's final CDT post. I felt she should have her own toodlez post.

"It's time," Kinai said softly to herself. Her emerald eyes scanned her home for the last time, yet for once, there was no sorrow in her heart.

Dropping her malar bag to the ground, she pulled out three letters from the side pocket. They were addressed to Pyyran, Acedia, and Dur'Thak. Inside of the pack, otherwise, she had put her main gear in, using the rest of the space to pack food, water, and what she would need to sleep comfortably at night.

She tossed the letters onto the floor, heaving the bag up onto her back. A faint smile touched her lips before she nodded. Pulling out Hawklen's old shortsword from its decorated sheath, she stabbed the blade into the wood of the front door. Careful not to make a mistake, Kinai wrote a final message.

"I'll miss you guys," she murmured, a single tear dropping to the ground. Walking to the candle she had lit on the table, she licked her fingers and placed them on the wick. The fire fizzled out, leaving only the portal for light.

Tracing her fingers over the handle of the door that had been turned so many times before, Kinai wrapped her fingers around it for the last time.

"Goodbye..." As the shadows of the night flooded the entrance of the home, the outline of her figure could no longer be seen. With the moonlight as her only guide, Kinai was gone.

Some would say that she had finally left to enter the portal to Pandemonium, to return to her husband. Others who had heard her plans would believe that she had left to search for the avatar of Shadon.

Nevertheless, like a shadow blinded by the light of day, she had vanished. The Kinai that so many had learned to love and to hate would never return.

The door swung shut, the lock clicking back to a close. All who entered the house 249 in Haft Lake, Prantz could read the engraving on the inside of the door.

It was a simple line. It read...

"It seemed like a fine idea at the time.
- Hawklen and Kinai Ancalime"