Into the shadows: Njord

[Hellblazer]

Mulnari, Junar 2, 1424

I have finally found Marcus.

Well rather he found me. He sent me a bird stating he was in a fix and needed my help. When I got to him he explained to me his problem, and I gave him the small amount of gold I had to help him out. Then I explained to him my problem, the pain, the tremors and the fact I am poisoned. I also gave him the left over of one of the bottles of the kobolds. He will need it to identify what it is that was so toxic. I made him swear that he would not tell Abi on the seriousness of the problem. Lets hope he keeps to his words, as we were getting back to Abi, I don't know.. he seems a bit to .. how could I say it.. it was almost as if he was flirting with her.

Abi was not in the mood though, as she was talking to her father and Mr Quantum. They asked us for some privacy and left into their guild hall. I hope everything is fine, I would hate for something else to fall over Abi and hurting her even more than she is now. I haven't seen her since...

Before all of that though, we had a trip with Miss Sala, Hunty, Abi, Dalan and blake. It didn't go so well though. Something strange happened, when I was hitting the ghostly shadows there, every time i killed one it would explode into flames. The the ground started to shake and some kind of mist appeared. Hunty had fallen and Miss Sala brought her back to life. While they were recuperating in the hall way, the exploding shadows left me perplexed. So I sneaked back in the room, I needed to know why this was happening. As I closed the door I heard Abi yell out my name. I didn't think of it then, but now .. it shows she still very much care for me.. I think.

Any how I sneaked back in, looked around at the bodies, but the shadows had dissipated. The mist came back and the ground shook. Then this . Vampire i think, came out of know where. Thank fully it didn't saw me, but the door to the corridor opened and I moved as fast but quietly as I could back out and closed it.  Unfortunately the vampire had seen the others through the door and decided he would pursue us.

It was a furious and long battle, he kept casting darkness, then he called for one of his friends. Dalan got the fear.. the same kind that you get from the mommies, and Abi rushed to his aid. My heart broke when I saw her fall in a white flash illuminating through the darkness. I rushed back in and tried my best to bring down that vampire. No one could hit him strong enough to kill him, but then Miss Sala casted a healing spell. I remembered at that moment a lesson that Mr Quantum had given to the public about the effect of positive energy on the undeads. At the time it seemed a bit alien to me but now that I have seen it in action I understand a bit more. Not completely, but enough to know the effect it has on the deads.

We headed out to rest and then back in to rescue Abi. I could not stay outside as they wanted me too. In Fact no one could. But as Miss Sala and Blake had passed the mommies and i was using the shadows as cover, Hunty came by and was spotted. I had to come out of hiding to help her out and I almost fell my self to that thing that my swords seemed only to tickle. We nevertheless got out and Abi was fine. A bit shaken but fine. Hunty was not though, she was crying for a long time and left while the group talked to an other group. I followed her so did Dalan. Ouch! Dalan needs to learn tact, you don't go saying that even her folks died, when she just saw he best friend fall. He left seeing that he wasn't helping and I staid with hunty.

Abi came shortly after and they started to talk. I felt that I was not needed and I staid away letting them talk. It took some time, an hour or two I think, but finally they both got up and we left for the silkwood cave, hunty by her self to go rest.

The trip with Abi was great, just me and her. I loved that moment. But she is concerned about what is happening to me. I try to hide it the best I can, so she does not get more worried, but I think she can see that I am getting worse.

Marcus you better find an antidote soon.. I don't know how long I can keep this going without Abi seeing completely through it and getting more worried than she already is.

*He looks at what he wrote, happy to have been free of the pain long enough to write. He then closes the Dairy and heads to his bed*

[Hellblazer]

Freas, Seplar 27, 1424

They would try to hurt the woman I love? They have something coming their way.

Marcus didn't know much and I didn't leave him time to say more, I ran straight to the orc bashers were Tegan told me little. It's only when we found her through some clues she left that Only I seemed to see, that I was explained what had happened. Something she might say could cause trouble to Saida. The funny thing about this, is that if it wasn't for me, Abi would never have gotten involved in this. I had more interaction with that witch and foiled her plans more than Abi ever did.

Barion said its because they would trust her word more, being the daughter of a Rofy. Maybe, or because they have a harder time tracking me down, which ever, they messed with the wrong woman.

And to say the shadows started to annoy me right then when I needed them. I tried to use them to get to cover, even in a dark corner where I just wanted to hid they completely moved out of the corner leaving me completely exposed. I don't know whats wrong, they are playing with me maybe, but it could cost my my life and also cost me the ability to follow my target without being spotted. Even if I can not use them in the proper shadow dancer way, I'm still able to use them to conceal me than just standing there in plain day light. Frustrating to say the least.

Anyhow took some supplies, now to find my target.

[Hellblazer]

Wedlar, Oclar 4, 1424

This trial is a farce, these supposed Gods are a farce too.

So much for law and order, so much for seeing something different in Caigh.  I am sick and tired of hearing anything about gods, they don't exist they don't care, I don't care.

Honor and virtue My arse. When someone who has participated in the arrest of a criminal and then turn his coat around to defend her in court.. there is no honor or virtue in that.

Honor and law, what a joke. I'm sure they made a deal behind the curtains for her to actually plea guilty, where is the law in that, where is the justice in that. Honor only when it suits you.

Chaos and change.. I had my fill, and I am sick of it.

*His hand writing starts to become unclear*

I've said it *a blouch of bloods is seen on the page after he coughed roughly* before. People first, trust no one because of their beliefs. There is liars in all faiths.

I already scratched my branding away, it doesn't show anymore. I'm through with Gods and Deities, they can all kiss my ... *an other blood stain covers the last words*

[Hellblazer]

Wedlar, Oclar 11, 1424

I think I'm going crazy...

I. I don't know what is happening, one moment the shadows avoid me the others they don't. I was walking in the dark alleys of Velh where I thought I had spotted my target. When I thought he was going to turn to check on his tail I stepped into the shadows of a corner, instantly I was projected ten feets away. I couldn't believe this.. I still can't. It never happened before.

But that is not the worse.. I'm starting to hear voices.. Is it the poison that is now affecting my mind? maybe.. or maybe its them.. talking.. I just can't make out what is being said.. it's a bit disconcerting. Dorlic never told me that..

But I don't know why, when ever I train my mind and see them come, something still holds them back.. somethings still blocks me from becoming one with them. Although I noticed when I was in the darkness of the troll cave on Alindor that it is a lot easier there. It's almost as if I could reach for them.. but I have not been able to beside the time I was jumped ten feet ahead into an other shadow.

I have to find out why.. I need to find out why.

//shadow dancer cdq

[Hellblazer]

Tunar, Oclar 24, 1424

I've spent the las week down in the deep caves in heave, hiding and sneaking around the Gnolls. All that to be closer, I can feel them so much better here. I still her them, don't comprehend them but I'm sure it's the shadows that are talking to each other.

I still cant become one with them yet, but just to be able to feel them this close, closer than before, it's a little intoxicating.

Got to be careful, I hope the Gnolls don't hear them...

[Hellblazer]

Threas, Novlar 26, 1424

Well Marcus found a cure and also that the poison I have is an ancient living poison.

Apparently it even made the great library librarian go pale when he saw what Marcus was looking for, and hes a drow. He told me that there was five regent for it a dragons heart, a drow ceremonial knife, a potion of heal from a powerful elven temple, poison from a queen spider and fresh vampires blood. As in every thing there is a catch, if the cure goes bad, I could inherit the weakness of the vampire... which is the sun... There is how ever a temporary solution. There is a potion that could put the poison to sleep but the slightest alcohol drop would bring me excruciating pain, and if I went and got drunk, it would revive the poison and it would keep eating me from the inside out. Apparently the librarian said he should kill me right away and burn me in a very hot fire to prevent contagion.

Well go with the second option until he can get the cure and a stable one.

While we were talking though, I kept getting distracted by his shadow and mine. They kept talking but I still couldn't understand what they were saying.

My training have been to a stand still, unless im in somewhere dark and usually deep in a cave. I feel so much closer to them there. I know I'm close I can feel it.

Even if we are not together anymore I still miss Abi, I hope everything is fine where she is. I lost track of my target though.. It worries me a little.

[Hellblazer]

Wedlar, Jenra 11, 1425

I don't feel comfortable around people anymore, It's not because I'm going back to my old habits, but more because they just makes me nervous. The only one who I am still comfortable around and I hope ths will never change is Abi..

I spend my time more and more alone in the deep caves on dregar, their dark, their silent, no one around.. I can hear the shadows now clearly but I still don't understand them.

I should come out more often and see Abi before I lose her completely. But the comfort of the darkness.. I guess it wont hurt I spend a bit more time with her.

Also after this order I am quiting the gathering business.. I can't do it anymore with receiving the constant demands.. I think it pushes me even more to go in solitude.. I took that business up anyway to be able to do something that would look better in the eyes of Abi.. to be able to afford gifts for her and now it's making me crazy.

[Hellblazer]

Tunar, Febra 24, 1425

I am free somewhat from the poison.

Marcus found and gave me the antidote, and at the house of Abi, barely in the nick of time she tells me, she made me drink it. For three days she stayed mostly by my side, tending to me, I was out almost dead she says. All I remember is my constant dreams of my father coming at the village and massacring every one and her voice. In all my dreams.. In all this time I heard her talk to me sweetly hoping for me to come back, I swear i could also feel her touch, holding my hand or on my forehead. Even after the three days of torment I put her through with all the delirium, the vomiting, the convulsions, She staid with me for a couple more days while I was recuperating.

By the time I woke up and felt strong enough to walk, I was such in a withdrawal state for being so long away from the shadows that I didn't pay to much attention and I hurried back to the caves in dregar. I feel bad about it, Abi deserved better, she deserves better. I can be so stupid at time, I should have stayed there with her longer, to be there as she has been there for me. I have sent her a letter this morning tellin gher I was sorry for rushing away and that I will be back by her side soon to spend more time with her. I owe her so much now, not just because of what she did, but because of what I feel for her.

I have been training to tune down all the voices I hear that were making me crazy. I don't mind hearing them, it's not understanding them that gets to me. I am succeeding slowly I think. At least I can control how much I hear, it's always there, but I can focus on other things now without being disturbed to much by all the voices.

I'll stay here for an other week, training my mind even more. My concentration is back, I feel strong again, I am better. It will stay this way as I will never touch a drop of alcohol again.

Soon I will go back to Abi, hopefully she will see how strong I have gotten back. Different somewhat, but still me.

[Hellblazer]

Freas, Mai 6, 1425

I have control over my concentration again, I have control over this craziness, I can listen when I want to but I still here them, I just phase them out.

I have also decided that training so far from Abigail was unfair to her. I know we are not together and that I have lots to prove back to her, but I still see how much she cares for me. I saw it when I died from one of the goblin mages death magic spell. When I came to her after I was raised, she got mad, she punched me, made me promise never to do that again. Dying.. a hard promise to make not to die again. When I tried to comfort her she was almost on the brink of falling into tears and it sadden me but mostly made me mad at myself for putting her through an ordeal again. Even if this time It wasn't my fault.

So I have decided that even if I can not stand the people anymore, that I am extremely uncomfortable around everyone but her, that I would train closer to her, so we could spend more time together. And to that effect I found out that the deep of Haven were dark and deep enough to make me feel close to the shadows, even the red light could do if I feel like a change from time to time. But Haven is closer, its darker, it's perfect.

[Hellblazer]

Threas, Mai 19, 1425

My training goes on, I am now sitting down in the last level of Haven mine. Even their best can not see me here and with the poison dormant, I do not fear losing my concentration anymore.

I can feel the shadows so well here, they are soothing, they are every where. I am glad I decided to come back to mistone to complete my training. I am ready. I know I am, I am giving myself up completely to them  no more holding back, no more questions.

This is what I was meant to be and I will be who I am meant to be. I just hope that Abi will still be there. I think I know what i have lost, it was my self confidence in my self, in my abilities and in hers. I lost faith for a time about her feelings, I even thought she was avoiding me. That was not a show of trust, and that was being weak on my part.

I am no longer weak. I will fight for what I want, I will fight for her and by her side even die if I have to. I will have faith in her even if she leaves for a time again, I wont falter anymore.

So here I am, in the darkness of the mine, facing foes that does not even comprehend who I am or where I am, but I am there I see them, they don't I hear them, they don't. The darkness is my ally, the shadows my protectors. I am ready and I give myself completely to them.

[Hellblazer]

Tunar, Augra 17, 1425

Something is up, i can feel it. First Marcus breaks the heart of Jaelle and she runs away somewhere asking me not to find her. Then Berak starts acting all strange when I appear and Abi was there... he better not.. I don't know if I could forgive something like that. Probably not.

Then there is Chiara, who seems sad to after having a good time swimming around at the Stormcrest. She lost  her love and it is making her sad a little.

My trainings goes on, still in haven, opening my mind, trying to reach the right mind set, will or what ever you can call it that will tell the shadows I am ready. It's slow but I will succeed.

Berak.. just can't get out how he reacted after I appeared.. he's hiding something I'm pretty sure of it. He was never like this around me before. I hate surprises.. and this is about the worse I could ever get.

[Hellblazer]

Tunar, Seplar 10, 1425

Well Berak was honest and he told me how he felt about Abi, I can't say I am really happy at all. It confused me and when I found abi all I coudl do is give her somethings back and was about to leave, but she pulled it out of me. Berak thought she might want more with him, and that he always liked her, but never tried to get her because of me. It was for that same reason that he decided to talk to me, friendship.

Abi isn't sure what she wants, she likes him and he makes her feel like I used to, the feeling you have when you first start to notice someone. usually doesn't last when you start to actually meet the person and get to know him. It either grows into something more or dies off. Yet even after telling me this, she still didn't close the door to a future us.. It confuses me I have to say. The good thing is that even when both of them told me that, what would have usually have me sought for the bottle to try and forget, didn't. Even if my poison is just dormant, I am nonetheless cured.

On an other hand, the honesty that Berak showed toward me made me realize i could trust him, he now knows and he helped me with something. I closed a chapter of my life that day. The branding of the Syndicate is no more, he burned it off for me.

I needed some time alone, so when I could I excused my self without them realizing why. I went to Dregar and without realizing it myself I was in the great dunes. Where Randi found me. We talked about things about what had just happened. She feels it isn't fair for Abi to not close the doors completely, letting me still hope, that I should try to move on. Hard to do when the only good thing that happened in my life, out of all the misery, the sadness, the hatred and evil that i have gone through, is Abi.  This is why I am clinching to that hope.. Maybe she is right, maybe I should just let go... I don't know.

We hunted down more topaz for her and some giants. it changed my mind off things a little.

I haven't got any news from Jaelle yet, I hope she is doing alright. Haven't seen Chiara either. We had a really great time at the Stormcrest the other day, she surprised me with something that is very personal for the sea elves. I don't know.. it didn't make me feel bad at all, and still doesn't just.. special. She is sad though, and lonely.  She told me that the last time she had shared that was with her love Aylana, which has now rejoined her goddess Shindaleria. I think I may be to compassionate for my own good. I try to help people with their heart problems, when I am not even able to help myself with mine.

The really bad news is that I am now in a dead end. I am getting no where in my trainings. It maybe that it is time I find outside help, either a shadow or the guild of thieves. I had looked to the guild for a long time without getting no where either.. So I am a bit let down right now about this. I love my sanity, but if it means not achieving my dream.. I don't know if it's worth that much.

[Hellblazer]

Freas, Seplar 20

I found her by pure luck as I was traveling back from hurm toward getting corn. I decided to take the long way again today because I still needed to clear my head.

She was with a group of people at Corax lake.. so much for hiding away from people. I was stunned to see her, and she was more than stunned to see me. She avoided me, kept away and ignored me at best when I didn't catch a glimps of her looking at me.

Indeed it was Jaelle that got attacked by Sallaron. And I learned more when I tried to find her in the past week. A man fitting the description of Hardragh was seen with her in the inn of Hurm, at first the bartender was really avard of information saying that he remembered her such a lovely face a real shame with the scar, and that she had spent the night with a bloke, bloke that the description fit Hardragh. When I tried to know more he started to get hesitant money did manage to tell me that he felt Hardragh was manipulating her but after that when I pressed on for more information I got ejected from the inn. I guess I'll get in contact with Gork, a little job for him, small retribution.

When we finally talked before I left, it wasn't an easy thing at all. I don't know why exactly it was that way for me, but it was. She was mad that I tried to look for her and I tried to explain to her that I would go to great length for friends, even die for them if needed be. It didn't change a thing, she was to mad. She tried to intimidate me in never to reveal what I had learned about Hardragh and I told her that she wouldn't have to worry about it. That she would not hear from me again. I guess I was wrong in her wanting us to be friends.She just turned around and said fine walking away.

 She probably found the note I had left in her bag before all of that, explaining in more details the why's of finding her. I don't think it will change anything. It was a short friendship.

Shows me about caring for people.. Dorlic was right the less people you know and get attached to the less problem you get into. Things were simpler when I just didn't trust anyone, didn't let anyone come close. It was lonelier .. but it was simpler. I gues I should get back to that.

That is a very sad thought but a true one.

[Hellblazer]

Tunar, Seplar 24, 1425

It's a funny the things what you can find, when you want to go visit some friends at the temple of mist in Leringrad.

Hardy holding Jaelle, gently stroking her arm and her scar. her kissing his hand, and its obvious they had a eventful night. If I was still the Brian of a year ago.. I would have so much fun with that information, I am sure Kali would be in a fit. But I have grown into something very different. Some part of me became good, while others much darker. If he thinks that knowing someone cares about you can be a hold onto that person? He has something coming his way. As for her? I made a mistake in trusting her, wont happen again. Even if she comes all forgiving, I will play, I will seem happy. But I will be watching.

Well other things I have learned is that It is not Sallaron that attacked her, It looks like him, same face, same hands but Jaelle knows that it is not him, and yet she keeps Storold pursuing the wrong guy.  I can't let that happen to Sal, even if I don't really care for the sod. But Tegan has been good to me and so I will do what I can to make sure her love and father of her child is not being hunted down for nothing.

And there I thought that Marcus was heading into trouble with the xeenite.. . He was heading into trouble regardless who it was.

I'll keep the rest silent, the bay.. the sharks.. the flip of a coin. A lot of good information there if I ever need to pull some strings around. It will surely be fun to watch the fury comes when I decide it's time.

[Hellblazer]

Threas, Oclar 12, 1425

I am done with these people. Every where i turn someone has betrayed me  in a way or an other. Tegan most of all, she tried to deny it, but I am sure she pushed Abi and Berak together.

"Did you use the shovel on him yet?"

That says a lot. And the way she was smiling and whispering to Berak at the Stormcrest after I appeared. I should have known. I gave hope to the gobo that is now her husband, told him that what ever form he had, she will still love him. I should have told him the opposite have him run for ever, it's what she deserves, but that would be unfair to his son, so I did what I did  to make sure he wouldn't be hurt by that. I have also told someone about the fact that the real Sall is in a gobo form, he will try to keep him safe if he can find him. I have done my last good deed. I am done trying to be good to people. I will do what I need to do to survive no matter who it is from now on.

"Always keep people at a bow range, Njord. It will be safer for you, it will be easier for you."

Dorlic was right all along.

[Hellblazer]

Tunar, Decilar 10, 1425

With most of the dead weight gone, I find only solstice in the solitude of the darkness, where i still find I am closer to the shadows than anywhere else. Unfortunately I am not advancing anymore. I have hit a brick wall and I don't think i can go through it without help.

This is why I have started looking for the guild of thieves again. I have been gathering information where ever I could, but there is nothing much I have picked up. I know that if I am patient, it will come to me, i will find the information I need to find them. I just need to keep looking.

Although I must say I miss some of them, Hunty, Chiara, even Marcus, this is something I have to do by myself, well not counting the help of the guild once I find them.

[Hellblazer]

Satari, Decilar 28, 1425

As my search goes on for the guild of thieves, I have been trying to remember how I was feeling, what I was thinking when I was able to travel several feet in the shadow when I tried to hide from my target.

Understanding this will be the key I think.

In the mean time, I got a note from Sala requesting my help for Storans. I went, Berak was there, I almost turned back. I didn't and the trip went well, although I could see how Berak was keeping away from me and I don't think he was happy with it.

[Hellblazer]

Sunra, Mar 15, 1426

Seeds are planted,

They will grow in their own time, now anytime something happens one will doubt. It may not seems as much chaos for now, but love has a way of being insipid when it comes to doubting. You may think you will not, but in the end, you always will. Truce is called though, I will keep what ever information I have on them for me, in return, I am an ally, yeah right.. Not that a fool, I'll play along though, still offers some opportunities. Let's see how long it takes for that talk, with that red haired, to bring someone out after me, this will be funny.

On other hand, a week prior to this, met this magicer, a bit unsure of herself of her talents. We talked for a while in Hlint, we share some things her and I. I think I can help  her with her confidence problem, I don't know why though, guess I'm still a sucker for the tender heart of a woman. I took her out of Hlint with the promise that if her fireball was to hurt me I would take her out for dinner. She was convinced I wouldn't be able to keep that bet. After three fireball she rushed at me to see if I was alright, screaming. She was stunned when she saw I was not even singed. Even if I won the bet I still have to take her out for dinner, I don't mind she seems a nice girl. Well see what brings, but at least now she knows she doesn't have to be to afraid of burning me to crisp if we go traveling together.

Clover is her name.

[Hellblazer]

Tunar, Mai 3, 1426

amn,

pretty much what I can say for now. Haven't seen clover yet but I have met with Jaelle for the first time since.. the mist Island, she didn't know i was there but still. She was angry of course, and tried to fireball me, her combustion had more beef to it than her fireballs. We talked, well see...

On one of our trip something strange happened when I used my scout bracers. When the darkness desipated the shadows were all about me. As the others moved away I staid there a bit still trying to udnerstand why they were acting this way. It is then I finally met an other shadowdancer else than Kinai and Jac'er.  She asked me why I had not tried to listen to the shadows and I told her I never was able to understand them. We talked for a little bit and she said I needed to seek help to finish my trainings. Seeking help is what I have been doing and told her sow as she moved into the shadows laughing at me for saying that I was looking for the guild of thieves.

Not to sure what to make out about that laugh. But the way she interacted with the shadows, them dancing at her wiggling fingers. It was nice to see that there were others still like what I aspire to become.

All I can say is that, the past few weeks have been interesting and hopefully they will keep going that way.

//part of cdq

[Hellblazer]

Freas, Mai 20, 1426

well back to my lonesome self,

It was fun for a while, the time it lasted. Pointless.. a distraction, could have been something good, but it was to much for her, me falling to the Giants. She had said just a few days ago, that she would prefer to spend 12 cold springs with me than a eternity alone, I guess the springs moved fast for her.

Back to me alone, looking for what truly matters, my link to the shadow world. I met one of them, of those I long to become, already wrote about it, but it gives hope that it's not to far. I heard that you don't find a shadow or it's dancer, they find you. Maybe this is what I was looking for after all. A link, someone to teach, to help me better understand what I am missing to become one with the shadows.

I don't know her name.. she didn't tell me, but I know where she found me and that's where I am now. Maybe she'll find me again, or maybe its the Guild of thieves that will. That's what I was told also. You can't find them, they find you when you are ready.

I am still trying to remember what i was thinking or feeling when I traveled within the shadows, They covered me and I walked with them, so I know they  at least, someone do wants me, I just need to find that mindset, that line of thoughts.. was it because I was empty and cold like them? I know I can get like that when I am on a mark, it's worth trying while I wait.

I made peace with Bear, it took a punch and a elbow in his face to do it, but its done, that was maybe the final step of it all. Now .. with  her gone.. there is nothing left but me and shade. Like it should be.  Enough of these little distraction I just want what's me, what I am destined for, what I have always wanted. To dance with the shadows.