Author Topic: Into the shadows: Njord (Read 4761 times)

Hellblazer · « **Reply #80 on:** February 02, 2008, 03:01:12 AM »

*he looks at his blank page for a long moment before writing on it*

Freas, Apreal 20, 1428

Friend no more,

Not for him sayin the stupidest things as if she belonged to me, I never even hinted that once, and he should have noticed it when i talked about pushing the daggers deeper and deeper. But for his game, He hasn't seen Silver in weeks, and now what? He start playing the compasionate card to the point of touching her on face.

"I care as a friend"

Right. A friend that doesn't know that he destroyed her once and that his action now is pushing things back up? I was ready to slice him up right there and then for that, for hurting her. But she ended up running away. He staid there not moving, I followed. Her track in the sand was easy to follow but I couldn't see her, until she attacked the Giants all on her own, my heart stopped. I rushed in, tried to heal her but, I was to late. I tried to avenge her, but I was to weak.. I was to weak! They killed me, like they ripped a grass blade out of the ground.

They found us and brought us back to life and after going back to Audira, the only thing she said was I don't want to do this now, I don't want to do this at all. Again running, pushing away. Fine, I can accept that. And so I left her and him there, Bear followed me. Should a man have a limit to what he can endure?, is what I asked him, and like me he has no answer. I don't think I do, it scares me.

The day started so well, a flower and a gentle note that she had left me in my chest. The note had more meaning that she wanted to let know. But now I'm not so sure anymore...

*looks at his page long enough that the ink dried on it's own and he closes the book tucking it back in his pack*

Hellblazer · « **Reply #81 on:** February 08, 2008, 11:35:07 AM »

*His hand writing is ruff almost tearing the page*

Wedlar, Augra 4, 1428

In the inn of Audira, under the same roof I was, not even ten minutes after I had went to check on her from the encounter we had with the strange woman, with Arkolio. She let him in her room, I had a hunch, something was wrong, so I staid in the shadows waiting, there was no doubt, there is no doubt.

I should not even forgive her but I knew it would happen one day or the other. Training, that's what I need, simple training out there somewhere.

*Picks up a few things and leaves a note over her things in his room before leaving*

E nleam.

Hellblazer · « **Reply #82 on:** February 13, 2008, 05:01:20 AM »

Wedlar, Seplar 25, 1428

Well, we talked things were good, and the last week we spent together was very much welcomed. She seemed to back a bit to herself before Hardragh, open caring, laughing as she was before. She seemed finally at almost ease again, not keeping herself distant and closed up. We had a great week together of traveling, until some kid came rushing to us while we were joining a group that had banded together, unfortunately including Ark. I wanted to slice his manhood right there on the spot, and next time I think I will, no matter if Jaelle is there or not. An throughout the time that we were traveling and even when that kid showed up, she was now back to after Hardragh. Distant, keeping her distance from me and every one. In our beginnings, when she was like that, she would usually let a sign know that it was alright. Wither it was a hidden smile, a gentle glance; a touch while she was invisible, but not anymore.

Vampires, here, Vehl; Hempstead, Llaast, bloody every where. But we managed to save the sister of the kid, not without some cost, Jaelle, Argali, Arkolio. I truly wished Sall would have left him for dead, might have made things easier in the future. We got her back to Orc watch where we had left the boy in the care of someone, Ark stayed behind making camp near where the Vampires where. Me and Jaelle parted ways in Orc watch because she asked me to give her some time alone, so I did. I came back to mistone and working on paying back Hanna.

I have to say that leaving Jaelle over there, left me a bit queezy, knowing that he is in the area.

I'm still hoping she will wake up to what she has now in me. But hopes are fading. I'm starting to doubt that she even cares or even wants to try to make things work. I even find myself doubting her tender words since I found out she slept with him in Audira. And to say she told me it was more than one day.. she spent 4 days with him. When, since Hardragh, she had almost never spent more than a night with me.

I guess only time will tell.

P.s., I was forgeting to write about my meeting with Sasha at the crossroads. Nice lass, pleasant company and all, but I pity her for loving Arkolio. I didn't tell her what has happened, I don't think she needs to go through what I have been. But I couldn't help it when Arkolio found us at Dalanthar. When I saw him I turned to her

"Well hun, thanks for the night out, it was a real pleasure we"ll have to do it again soon."

I could hear Arkolio coughing. She looked at me and smile a bit mischievously, She was even leaning in to me getting close to my cheek but i moved away at the very last moment.

Hellblazer · « **Reply #83 on:** February 21, 2008, 01:29:33 AM »

Sunra, Jenra 8, 1429

She came to me at night, silently in the darkness that was my room only lit by the moons that filtered through the window curtains. I could hear her but she kept to the darkness until she took a desert bloom from her robe, that glowed with a soft blue haze. My eyes marveled in front of such beauty, my heart leaped as I saw her gentle elven figure walk toward me and my bed. Her smile enticing and her eyes sparkled with the moving light emanating from the rose, she gestured to me softly to remain where I was, stopping a moment looking around the room. Then with a graceful movement of her hand the candles came to life all around my room. They lit softly the room in balance with the blue haze from the rose petals.

As I looked at her moving so slowly toward me I could only stare at her, so much had I missed her in the past few weeks, only seeing her from time to time. But tonight felt different. The air seemed lighter, maybe it was just me, but everything about her seemed to move slower, she took her time only smiling at me when I spoke to her. And when, finally, she reached me after what seemed an eternity, she gently caressed my cheek with the blossom, lowering herself to a kiss softly over my lips. Her scent, intoxicating, of some exotic flowers, I was mesmerized by her gentleness, her care, her tenderness. As she lingered in the kiss she slowly reached and left her hair fall down over her shoulder and us, silky soft as it caressed the side of my cheek still in her kiss. It seemed longer than the last time I saw her, but all I could think all the questions of my mind were swept away as she guided my hands to hold her. She was slow, deliberate, attentive.

I opened my mouth to whisper my joy to see her, but each time she stopped me by a kiss. She was methodical in her approach keeping control at all time. After a month of not seeing her, it felt as she was slowly torturing my senses, playing slowly a game of patience. Leaving me to do only as what she allowed me to, slowing me or stopping altogether teasingly, always with a smile lingering on her lips.

Tender was the night that we shared, as if time had no essence to us, Intimate as we had rarely been, still a little distance she kept until the end, just before falling into my arms. There was no more vail for that short moment. She let me see deep in her, into her heart. All the barriers she had erected to protect herself from the pain she had suffered, she left open for me to feel and see, to see past her fears, to see her love for me. An inexplicable love, sometime incomprehensible, but still love that beats into the confide of her heart, for me.

So much had I missed those moments of openness, of her only being herself unguarded. She curled up in my arms, nesting her head on my shoulder, nuzzling my neck. Her warm breath, still hasten by our moment, caressed my skin softly. Gentle kisses answered my whispers as I held her to me in my arms in this embrace, in this time of contentment, we laid there. Slowly I could feel the pull of the curse of my human blood. Slowly inexorably, I gently fell toward slumber. I tried to hold on, to push it away, to keep awake with her in my arms, to feel her sleep in mine as she had done at the lake of dream and the Miranet so long ago. But as the last candles grew dim, she slowly and gently stroke my hair, kissing my shoulder as she stayed cuddled against me. And just as my last strand of consciousness parted from me, she whispered to me:

"E ceela aey"

Could it be that my slumber had made me dream those tender words? But as I woke in the morning, as so many other nights we had passed together she was gone. Did she go back to Spellguard, was she even here at all? Such were my questions as I awaken, until my my eyes set on her pillow, still crescened by the impression of her presence, the desert blossom with a lingering soft glow. If for a moment, my mind had doubted her very presence this night, her scent and rose left no doubt.

Hellblazer · « **Reply #84 on:** February 21, 2008, 09:24:24 AM »

Sunra, Jenra 8, 1429

She came to me at night, silently in the darkness that was my room only lit by the moons that filtered through the window curtains. I could hear her but she kept to the darkness until she took a desert bloom from her robe, that glowed with a soft blue haze. My eyes marveled in front of such beauty, my heart leaped as I saw her gentle elven figure walk toward me and my bed. Her smile enticing and her eyes sparkled with the moving light emanating from the rose, she gestured to me softly to remain where I was, stopping a moment looking around the room. Then with a graceful movement of her hand the candles came to life all around my room. They lit softly the room in balance with the blue haze from the rose petals.

As I looked at her moving so slowly toward me I could only stare at her, so much had I missed her in the past few weeks, only seeing her from time to time. But tonight felt different. The air seemed lighter, maybe it was just me, but everything about her seemed to move slower, she took her time only smiling at me when I spoke to her. And when, finally, she reached me after what seemed an eternity, she gently caressed my cheek with the blossom, lowering herself to a kiss softly over my lips. Her scent, intoxicating, of some exotic flowers, I was mesmerized by her gentleness, her care, her tenderness. As she lingered in the kiss she slowly reached and left her hair fall down over her shoulder and us, silky soft as it caressed the side of my cheek still in her kiss. It seemed longer than the last time I saw her, but all I could think all the questions of my mind were swept away as she guided my hands to hold her. She was slow, deliberate, attentive.

I opened my mouth to whisper my joy to see her, but each time she stopped me by a kiss. She was methodical in her approach keeping control at all time. After a month of not seeing her, it felt as she was slowly torturing my senses, playing slowly a game of patience. Leaving me to do only as what she allowed me to, slowing me or stopping altogether teasingly, always with a smile lingering on her lips.

Tender was the night that we shared, as if time had no essence to us, Intimate as we had rarely been, still a little distance she kept until the end, just before falling into my arms. There was no more vail for that short moment. She let me see deep in her, into her heart. All the barriers she had erected to protect herself from the pain she had suffered, she left open for me to feel and see, to see past her fears, to see her love for me. An inexplicable love, sometime incomprehensible, but still love that beats into the confide of her heart, for me.

So much had I missed those moments of openness, of her only being herself unguarded. She curled up in my arms, nesting her head on my shoulder, nuzzling my neck. Her warm breath, still hasten by our moment, caressed my skin softly. Gentle kisses answered my whispers as I held her to me in my arms in this embrace, in this time of contentment, we laid there. Slowly I could feel the pull of the curse of my human blood. Slowly inexorably, I gently fell toward slumber. I tried to hold on, to push it away, to keep awake with her in my arms, to feel her sleep in mine as she had done at the lake of dream and the Miranet so long ago. But as the last candles grew dim, she slowly and gently stroke my hair, kissing my shoulder as she stayed cuddled against me. And just as my last strand of consciousness parted from me, she whispered to me:

"E ceela aey"

Could it be that my slumber had made me dream those tender words? But as I woke in the morning, as so many other nights we had passed together she was gone. Did she go back to Spellguard, was she even here at all? Such were my questions as I awaken, until my my eyes set on her pillow, still crescened by the impression of her presence, the desert blossom with a lingering soft glow. If for a moment, my mind had doubted her very presence this night, her scent and rose left no doubt.

Hellblazer · « **Reply #85 on:** February 28, 2008, 03:41:39 PM »

Wedlar, Junar 25, 1429

If there is ever a moment in your life where all your doubts falls, where all you apprehensions and fears lays down to your feet, and where all that remains is you, what you live for and love; to be shared with that special someone that is part of your life, of your very essence, and to open up to that person completely. I have seen it and felt it.

That single moment has the power to put aside all of these things that are held up in vain, all of these things that you are so much afraid, scared out of your mind by your own demons. When you feel that moment, bound in the most intimate moment with that someone. The world disappears all around you, the worries and tribulations washed away by the waves of love. You are left open completely, utterly, for your partner to read into you, into your soul. This is what I have lived with Jaelle, what I have felt in my deepest and darkest corner of my soul and what I have seen in her.

Our moment was long, loved and deep, focused on each other, lovingly tenderly. Vulnerable in every way possible, where her fears were revealed to me, but most importantly, why they were living. I could see it in her eyes, in the shortness of her breath, the love that she feared and tried so much to keep away by building walls over walls. Her vulnerability to my whispers of love, to my gentle caresses; to my marks of affections, pushed her to erect those walls in between us by fear of what love brings her. The loss of control over her emotions, the intimacy that it brings to her. For so long have she been alone, and for those few moments in her life where she had the joy of love, all that remained after those were pain, hurt, grief, and loss. She loved them both, they left her for others, and now that she has fallen for me despite her attempts to keep herself at bay, she fears the pain I could bring her, she fears the moment I would grow tired of her and leave her. The moment I would disappear into the night, my life cut away from hers.

I also understood in that moment where our eyes met, her in my arms, in that moment where our souls were revealed to each other, that this vulnerability, this love, this fear, was only for me. Not shared with her other conquests, which I now understand why she left her self-fall in that way. With them, she is in control of her self, of her emotions, no fear, and no vulnerability. She does not love them the way she loves me, if she loves them at all, and so she is not afraid by them. It was a way for her, even if she knew it hurts me, to try to keep herself from loving me. When, moments were too great for her, that her fears were consuming her, she left her self go to others to bring control back over her life. Trying to push me away, trying to push her growing love for me and mine for her, away.

She doesn't understand how despite all of her efforts not to love me the way she does, that she does. She does not understand how my simple touch can bring her breath short, how her heart can fasten under my embraces.

"It should not be possible, what you do to me..."

She doesn't understand how after all that she has done to push me away, she still fell for me and most likely why I am there with her, through the pain she has caused. An though, through the hardship that our lives together have been, the sweetest of our moments, our walks and talks; the gentleness and grace of her smiles, the lightness of her laughs, makes all these hardships worth wile. But still, those fears are the ones that pushes her to flee when my heart speak of its own

"Eir sa ceela, eo emwla nyeycw anacc aelal anira laceviranalaan eo ire synyir sa irailman failanla oem aey, ire synyir aey enynyytya sa anireyviranla illw laeyc. Eo emwla nyeycw maelailc ire synyir aey saill ane sa illw ire E eycw veela aelaanirelv illw ilcc ane tymeananyan aey. Aey ilma sa hyaal, ceela, aey irecw sa irailman illw laeyc. E ceela aye, sa ceela"

Maybe one day she will let the fears flow with the current of our love, and simply let herself stream the flow that is shared between our hearts. Giving her a chance to live happily, truthfully, wholly, this love that is unequivocally shared between us.

However, until then, I know there are still things that she keeps hidden, unsaid, buried deep inside of her guards. I know there are still people she will run to when she cannot bear the intimacy and love that is, even if it slowly, insipidly, kills me from the inside. All I can do now is hope, for hope there is, and love. Be there for her and let her come to me, come to deal with her own fears. I cannot promise that I will always be able to survive her unfaithfulness. I cannot promise that I will not be struck down by the mother of souls and stolen away from her heart. I can promise that by my own actions, I will try with all my might, not to hurt her. I only hope that she comes to realize that what there is between us has not to be feared, in time before my days are over. So that we can share, parts of our lives together freed from all the tribulations, all the pain, the conquests, and simply live our love to the fullest and shine as bright as the sun in the darkness of the nights.

It is my wish, my dream, what keeps me close to her.

Hellblazer · « **Reply #86 on:** February 29, 2008, 03:40:59 AM »

Freas, Jular 6, 1429

*Njord comes in his room unstraps his muddied armor and lets it drop on the floor, goes and takes his journal he then sits in in his out most bare essentials in front of the fire he staring longly into it. After a long time he starts to write in it*

We were called by the people of Bydell castle to help them find their children, twelve of them. Captured by ogres and half-ogres on a outing with their governance. It took us a long time to get underway, but we manage to find the trails. Unfortunatly, our efforts was stopped at first as I was the only one with Tim to survive the first encounters. I barely was able to slide into the shadows in time to save myself. Once every one was up again we retreated to regain our strength then pressed on. The first person we met that didn't try to kill us, was called Thorm. He pointed us in teh direction where he had seen a group of half-ogre drag a child up some vines and over the cliff side.

It wasn't easy to really what I wanted to the group. I wanted to keep one of the advance guard alive to question him. When we finally manage that I made sure he would understand what I was going to do to him if he lied, you do not see a half-ogre cower like that one did. He tried to answer my question but I got irritated and simply plunged my sword in his throat killing it instantly. Some of the group were upheld by what I had done, but I wasn't in any mood to explain to them. They had kidnapped a woman and twelve children, it went against every fiber of my being.

Finally we found the camp where they held them hostage, using them as diversion i went to the enclosure in which they were kept and Tried to kill the guard who I found out was the leader of the group of half-ogre. I need to work on that as he barely manage to avoid my blades, not without harm though. He was heavily bleeding as he ran away and stumbled on my group which dispatched of him easily in his state.

I went in the cage to see to the children, and saw the gouvernant on teh ground. I manage to persuade the kids to get out and group near the party, and picked up the woman. Her arm was broken, both her hands were crushed and her hair was filled with blood. She was elven and right away I saw in her Jaelle, she too was a caster. It could have so very easily have been my love, in there with the children.

There was only seven of them there with the elven woman, and soon after we found out where the others were. The son of one of the temple clerk was part of the missing, and we found his wrist band in the fire still attacked to his hand that was resting on one of the rocks surrounding the fire. It was a horrible sight, it reminded me of my childhood, of when my father massacred the village that had kidnapped me and almost killed me in the process.

Me and Tim gathered the remains after destroying the camp, while the others were bringing the children to safety, back to the castle. All i could do when we got there was to start digging. The rain had turned the soil into mud and with each stroke in the earth I did with my hand, the rain filled it back with mud. Finally after some time and efforts, and while the rest of the group were talking to the family, apologizing for not being able to save all the children, me and Marcus buried the remains.

I left shortly after, in utter silence, I could hide how this was hard on me.. I betrayed my emotions.. It wont happen again, not for anyone else than Jaelle. I am a shadowdancer, I live apart of everyone else, barely in touch with my emotions. I cannot let them see who I am, what I feel. All but her.

Bastards, monsters.. It reminds me why we have to slaughter every single one of them, from the giants to the gobbling. For those types of atrocities.

*Slams his journal shut and resumes staring into the fire.*

Hellblazer · « **Reply #87 on:** March 04, 2008, 09:05:06 AM »

Freas, Seplar 13, 1429

Well G'ork I didn't think you would but you did. It's amusing really, gold old cloak of the watchers. Well see how you like the present I will be sending you in your sleep.

It took a mage for him to actually get me, I think he still need training. But what was even more funnier, was that he killed me in front of witnesses and then I found them all talking together, G'ork that mage, Arkolio and Hardragh, at the crossroad. All trying to persuade Jin jun li that it was my fault. That I was the one who attacked G'ork, hilarious really. If I truly wanted to kill him, I wouldn't be doing the job myself, for it to be traced back to me.

Then G'ork leaving, walking very slowly as if he was carrying way to much even for him, just after talking with Hardragh and Ark, a payment?? Jin and Goldwin both noticed it too. Both will also be investigating the affair, I guess I could even call in the favor I have with Barion, hmm maybe even Sasha. I gave them enough info to dig into G'orks past a bit which, poor Kali won't like it, will lead to Hardragh. After all, us three did some work together in the past, and G'ork even approached me for an assassination attempt, Abi should remember that day in the peaks near Storan. And to say his first approached was to betray his own employer by asking me to just let myself get beaten up and I would get half his pay. Really, he would just have doubled crossed me.

This on the other hand makes me pause on one thing, Jaelle. I know she cheated with Ark, and probably still do it. Now that Ark may be involved in this, how does it change things? She told him not to bring her complications, but it did. I have some thinking to do about this. Maybe I got to complaisant, and what happened in the past with the syndicate is happening again but with different players, or maybe she just got used again. One thing for sure I had reason to hate Ark, they just got settled in even more.

Seems that what I hoped I was going to be able to leave in my past and never go back to, has just been forced out of my closet for me, their loss.

In the mean time Jin wants me to try and find out who that mage was. He has the suspicion that he goes under different aliases, Aiden Corsea, Ne'kra, and maybe Alandric.

Hellblazer · « **Reply #88 on:** March 06, 2008, 09:37:47 AM »

Sunra, Oclar 15, 1429

I am placing the pieces in place, It's a matter of time now that things go on their own and I will be able to watch laughing from the shadows.

I've told Jaelle what I heard and saw after G'ork killed me. If through out the beginning of our trip with the group, she was acting distant as she often do in big gathering, this time she looked at me shocked, confused and with fear in her eyes as I told her that her lover and Hardragh was there talking with the others trying to convince Jin that I was the one to attack G'ork. As the trip continues she remained distant and quiet, even more so after the trip, she left completely on the defensive, stating that she would be gone to think. I can't say I was as my usual with her either, some part of me wonders if she had anything to do in that, which is conflicting completely with what I have felt from her lately and the love I know.. knew..Know she has for me. I don't know what will happen out of this, it may be what stops everything or it maybe what brings us even closer.. I don't know. But the fact that she said she was going to think.. leaves me to think that she will go and see him. And that right now, at this moment, I don't know how to take this. I'm the one being trampled in this and with the possibility of a set up from Ark and Hardragh, and I am the one eating the dung out of it even with her.

When I told Sasha she didn't take it well either, she knows that if she doesn't act, I will take it into my own hands. But knowing that her boyfriend could be involved is not making her happy. I can understand that, I will spare her the other things I know about Ark. She will have enough to deal with already. She says that Jin is a good friend of hers and will talk to him to get more information.

Rose for some reason was the same. When I told her what happened and the description of the mage with the aliases I was given, she became very uncomfortable. I wonder if she knows him at all, would be to convenient. I asked her to relay the information to Clarissa and Quantum. Which the later owes me favors for saving his life twice, and for putting myself at risk in court to give testimony against Saida. The next step is to find Barion and get him involved too.

Hmm to think of it, since Hardragh deliberately tried to sway the blame on me to preserve G'ork; who I know is an acolyte of his, it might be interesting to speak with Muireann about the whole affair.

I'm tired.. that's all I can say.. tired.

Hellblazer · « **Reply #89 on:** March 07, 2008, 01:26:51 AM »

Wedlar, Oclar 25, 1429

*scribbles are written on the page, with evident anger and rage*

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON??? WHO THE HECK DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?? WHAT KIND OF FRIGGING GAME DOES SHE THINK SHE IS PLAYING??? DOES SHE THINK THAT MY HEART IS JUST A TOY THAT SHE CAN PLAY WITH IMPUNIBLY??? THAT I WILL JUST ACCEPT EVERYTHING AND ASK FOR MORE???

IF SHE WANTS TO PLAY THOSE GAMES, SHE WILL FIND OUT THAT SHE WILL PLAY THEM ALONE, AND NOT FIND ME THERE TO ENDURE THEM. I GOT ENOUGH ON MY MIND, ENOUGH OF HEARTACHES AND HEADACHES TO STAY THERE AND SEE HER SYSTEMATICALLY DESTROY EVERYTHING THERE WAS BETWEEN US. AS I SAID, IT WILL EITHER KILL US OR IT WILL MAKE US STRONGER, BUT AS OF YET, ALL I HAVE SEEN IS IT KILLING US.

AND THAT TWIRP, I SHOULD HAVE KILLED HIM ON THE SPOT, BUT NOOOO, I HAD TO PUSH IT BACK BECAUSE SHE IS FRIEND WITH HIM.. NO MORE!! IM FED UP!!

Hellblazer · « **Reply #90 on:** March 10, 2008, 06:41:03 AM »

Tunar, Decilar 17, 1429

On the other hand, Jaelle seems to think that Hardragh was not involved in this. We got into an argument because of it. I told her some time later that evening, as we were talking about mist and other things, that I had not been all truthful this night. That as I was coming out of the ore hills I saw him there and decided to spy on him. But then Jaelle came, my first instinct was to leave, but I needed to know what was going to happen. At first I was still so much angry at her, for how she reacted and then acted with Chaynce, when the bastard almost killed me with hitting that trap. But as her conversation with Hardragh went on, things she said appeased me. Until I find out she was hiding from me. And now something about a deal in the future with Hardragh against someone. In the same conversation it could sound as if it is against me.

She was mad at the intrusion of her privacy, and of me lying to her. But for some reason she kissed me right there and then, told me to let her have her anger, that she would be back. and after me giving her what I was holding for her and her gift, she accused me of ruining a good fight with a playful grin on her face. We shared ourselves there on the jagged rocks. It had been some time since the last time we were alone and the moment was passionate. luckily I managed to avoid the more sharps one, so beside some scratching, there was no serious bleeding.

It seems that I ask a lot of her at times, or that she thinks she is too damaged. I think she is just afraid of letting go of her guards and leaving herself to live the love, and stopping to concentrate on things that we cannot change. I told her so, I told her that if she kept concentrating on the fact that love would hurt at times; that every one dies and leaves one alone for a time, that she would not be able to live fully and plainly what love is. She asks about the point of living it if it's bound to hurt her. The point is exactly that, love is what drives us to continue in our life. To push forward passed the troubled times, it's what gives us more strength than any other force. That without love, life has simply no meaning, you see it all around you even within the animals.She laughed a little asking me if I was becoming an Ilsarian. That was a funny thought but no, fact of the matter is I still partly believe in mist, at least some of it, and the way Jaelle talks about it makes me wonder. She's not yet pledge to the lady of doom, but still, I see in her more faith than many of the followers.

Earlier on in the conversation, i was hard on her and it made her cry. She wanted me to leave, but not just leave her now, but for ever, she wanted it but with more than half of desire for me to stay with her. She knows she hurts me, but she doesn't know if she can stop. And yet again in one way that she does, she keeps me away from knowing things that is happening to her. For instance, there is someone hunting her or something like that, but instead of talking to me about it, she talks to others, keeping me in the dark. She knows I would do everything to help her, but yet she doesn't let me know. A way to try and protect me? maybe, i think its more a way for her not to need me, as she said that she finds she does, but she doesn't want to, but se can't fight it. That's why she hides, and leaves me for month until it's to strong and she just have to come back to me. Again the fear.

The day she lets go of that fear and just take pleasure in what there is in between us, fully without holding back. That day will be a day of reckoning.

//edit some elements deleted by my own choice.

Hellblazer · « **Reply #91 on:** March 16, 2008, 10:08:19 AM »

Wedlar, Mar 25, 1430

It's been a little bit over three months now since I have seen Jaelle, I hope she is well. I go on my business in the mean time, raising money to buy new and much needed equipment. Gathering corn for Hanna, and looking into starting a craft for my own.

There is also the new possibility of my moving to a new place, less expensive by far and giving me complete control over how I can set my things up and how many i can put. Turns out Hunty has made herself a good deal with the previous owner, and now she is renting rooms of her own. I want to talk to Jaelle first, before I make any decision and to at least let her know I may be moving, so she doesn't turn up one day and find that I am no longer there, thinking I have abandoned her. But no news, and I don't think it would be that bright to go look after her, with what has happened last time.

I guess I'll give it a few more months. If by then I still have no news, I guess it's just move on and deal with what there is, if there is anything to deal with.

Hellblazer · « **Reply #92 on:** March 17, 2008, 01:22:05 PM »

Satari, Apreal 14, 1430

Women and their scorn, who said they were more mature??

Kali seemed more than happy to want to let the event that happened with Jaelle, go away, die off and flow down the river of the forgetfulness, when we talked at the crossroads. But now.. the rumors are that she is spreading lies about having worked with the Rofies to get the key back. Key that she knows Jaelle doesn't posses anymore, for having told her myself. Did she already forget that one of the people that worked for her, robbed Jaelle at rapiers point? Did she already forget that it is Ellis who gave a copy of the key to Jaelle, who was paying rent through Ellis? Hence not making it unlawful from Jaelle side, but maybe breaking the house rules from Ellis side?

Guess if she plays that game, I'll have to go and check up on those I know in the Rofies to see, if what she is saying of her "working" with them on three occasion to get the key back, is true.

In the mean time, Jaelle is still away, and I am waiting to talk to her before making my decision on the room.

Why do I have a feeling that all of this is about to blow up in my face.. It's already scarred enough as it is...

Hellblazer · « **Reply #93 on:** March 22, 2008, 01:19:14 PM »

Threas, Jular 5, 1430

It has now been six months since I have seen Jaelle. I know she can take care of herself with her spells, but at the same time I have noticed she has became more reckless, and it worries me. The few gossips I heard about says she had went after pirates at Sedera, I was there for the first length but was detained for the second. I should have staid with her. If anything happens to her, and I could have prevented it, I will not forgive myself.

I know she won't like it much, but I need to at least see that she is alright. And I do wish to talk to her about the other place, but mostly just to see her. I miss her terribly.

I know that the past months or so before she left, was hard on both of us, and I want to make sure she knows, that I am not abandoning her. For that I need to find her.

She said she was hiding near the sea, when she talked to Hardragh. I'll check the ports and towns, I know how ever that she has not been seen in Leringard or Hempstead. I should also look at any town that has a craft hall.

First stop, Leringard, try to talk with her tutors there see if they can enlighten me at how she is or where she is. Then Mariner's hold, North Point, Audira, Stort, Ketharian, Prantz, Vale. Heck I'll search every city, town and village if I have to.

I'll also try to send her word through bird before leaving and I'll wait a week or so for an answer, if I get nothing from it, I will go looking for her.

Hellblazer · « **Reply #94 on:** March 27, 2008, 05:07:03 AM »

Threas, Seplar 19, 1430

It's now been nine month since I have seen Jaelle or even had news of her. I grew worried and went on to search for her, but up till now all my search has been in vain.

I've came back to check on things here and there is no sing of here back here either.

I've come to the conclusion that either she has found the way not to need me, that's how she had put it when we last had time together, or she has gotten herself into trouble and is unable to call for help, and probably unwilling at the same time.

This has me worried sick, but I have to be strong. I'll keep looking, but I think I should also prepare myself to the possibilities that is not alien to the world we live in. But until it is definite that there is no hope, I have to keep looking and keep faith.

Hellblazer · « **Reply #95 on:** April 04, 2008, 12:32:34 AM »

Tunar, Jenra 24, 1431

Its now been over a year since I have seen or have any news coming from her. From those 13 months, at least 3 have been with her being back from what Marcus told me 3 months ago.

I guess she has found what she was looking for. Leaving me with what? memories I guess.

I have gone to see her mentors again, hoping they could help me locate her. I am waiting for an answer if they will or not.

If this is a game it's not a funny one!

Hellblazer · « **Reply #96 on:** April 04, 2008, 02:12:51 AM »

Wedlar, Jenra 25, 1431

I found her on my way to pick her some Aloe. She was with a group of people, Marcus was there... She barely paid me any attention beside a hello and answering one question. Even when I told her I wanted to talk to her, she shrugged me off saying later. 13 months I have waited to see her again, searched for her without knowing if she was alive or dead. Thirteen months of agony, and when I finally see her again, it is as if I had never existed for her. That all that had happened, was only an illusion. As if all of those words, feelings, fights, nights together; all the hand writing on my back or chest, the whispers of I love yous, were all just a figment of my imagination.

And then she went and made camp with Chaynce. Looks like the Arkolio story is happening again.

It seems to be clear now that she has made her choice, and I am no longer part of it. She left me, when she went away God knows where, when she was back but never gave sign of life, propagating my worries even more. What else could it be?

I guess I can't really blame her, I am the one who made the decision to stay with her, even if I knew she was going to hurt me. She had told me so, she knew she would. But I had decided to stay with her, because i knew I loved her, and that under all those walls and barriers, her fortifications to protect herself, she loved me too, and that was enough for me. And still, today, if she came back and told me I was wrong... I know i would still be there by her side. Some part of me wishes it, wishes me to be wrong. But it's hard to know or even think otherwise after all of that.

I look around in my room, and every where I see things that belongs to her. A comb, her robes, a few books by my bed. Should I keep them, throw them away, burn them out of my room? I don't know.. just don't know anymore.

Maybe I should just vanish into the shadows and never come back.

*leaves his journal open on the coach and goes to bed.*

Hellblazer · « **Reply #97 on:** April 04, 2008, 02:30:57 PM »

Threas, Febra 5, 1431

It's over, but yet she lied when she said she didn't love me anymore. I could see it in the end, and I still do love her. Just before it went black, she kissed me and then whispered she didn't want to do this to me, then I woke up in my room. The feeling I had, she casted the same kind of spell that Saida had done to me once.

She's trying to protect me and her from something. That's all of what this can be. But she made her choice, now I have to live with the pain and loss, again.

The future can work things out some times, people that you though were gone for good coming back. Maybe will find each others again one day and get back what she decided to push away. Maybe not.

I will still try to help in anyway I can, maybe be the dark shadow angel over her elbow, when I can. I know she can take care of herself, but it won't hurt her to have a bit more help.

I don't think I will truly ever stop loving her.

Hellblazer · « **Reply #98 on:** April 09, 2008, 09:34:47 AM »

*his hand writing is sloppier than usual, betraying a sign of confusion and anger*

Satari, Apreal 21, 1431

A parcel from ark a few days after telling me that she kept coming back to him over and over and over, in front of Sasha. Then Jaelle looked startled by the lake and hurriedly hid the cloth back into the parcel. She went on asking to speak to Sasha ,but then tells me ,when I ask her to give the key back to Muireann, that she has something to tell me and to let her know when I am ready. I go to her and tell her I am, but now Ark shows up with Sasha. Sasha threatens to hurt me, Ark stays completely silent, and Jaelle asks me to leave...

And says she knows how to reach me.. Only three people knows. She's not one of them...

I've been had. Completely had. Good thing I didn't start to set up that room.

Hellblazer · « **Reply #99 on:** April 11, 2008, 10:41:25 AM »

Mulnari, Mai 23, 1431

she wanted to tell me my past, the one that she had found out. At first I thought it was an other way for her to torture me, but too many things seemed to fit. I know who I am now, who I was. It's a strange and very confusing feeling. And then we had one of our moment there, at the crossroad, while the storm was raging. No one there to see us at the time, but anyone could have.

I gave her a necklace I had bought while she was gone for thirteen months. And had it inscribed, "So that wherever you are, you will always remember I am there". As the storm died up and the sun got up, we held each others until it was time for her to leave. There just before she turn and walked away, she turn and looked at me, then made the gesture in sign language. strokes chin, points a finger, interlaces fingers. I understood what it meant, a rare occasion. I love you, is what it meant. She does still love me, said so herself in our talks too, but still can not be with me, protecting me from something she doesn't even want to tell me.

But then... *his hand writing becomes heavier, darker* She gave him, the only thing she has always refused me. That bastard of Marcus. All of our time together, I have strive to be there for her and protect her because I loved her. And she seeks shelter with him.. He has called himself friend in the past, even before we decided to help the stupid gnome, but infact all he was waiting is to find a way to stab me in the back. And he found it, and stab he did, not once, or twice, but throughout my time with Jaelle. I have forgiven him too many times. Maybe it's time for me to hand back what he left in my back, but through his heart, watching his eyes slowly as the life drains from them. Watching until the very essence of his soul leave him, and his eye grows still and empty. But I don't.. because of her, I can't beleive that even when I know all of this, all of her games she showed me, knowing there is still so many she doesn't tell me. I still love her. I am condemned.

There she was at the fire of hlint, with my student, asking her questions about me, her, trying to figure out what we were, if there was more, jealousy in her voice, even if she tried to cover it. But it doesn't matter anymore, the one she knew, I will kill out of me. Leave to die within the box in my mind, the box she showed me to reach to leave what was unneeded. My last gift to her, reward of all her doings. While they were talking I took something from Alatriel, but also left her a simple note.

"I am gone for some time."

And so here I am, changing my appearance, and ready to leave this forsaken place. I don't know for how long, long enough to forget who I am, who I was. To forget everything.