Joke

[LightlyFrosted]

The next day, a guy who looks just like the first human appears, having heard that the position of ringer of the bells is once again open.  Again, Thornwait Twinkletoes gives him the same safety advice as the first fellow, and the new bell-ringer nods, irritably, stating that surely he, who had seen the rather macabre lesson the blood of the first man had written, would be wiser and safer.

It is not long after that, as such stories go, that he dies in the same way as the first man, horribly and gruesomely.

At this point, the guard returns, and glances down at the halfling.  "Well, Twinkletoes?  Did you happen to get this fellow's name?"

"Nope.  But he's a dead ringer for the other guy."

[Stephen_Zuckerman]

I love you both.

[Pseudonym]

// What?? You give them internet platonic man-love for their jokes and I get groans for mine? //

After Zup's unfortunate tragedies involving his beetle bus he rethinks his retirement. Perhaps he was a little hasty. Although saddened to leave his job he looks forward to strapping on his pack once more and aiding his fellow Dragon-called with their new problems.

Well, Zup's gargantuan beetle didn't take the news of his departure very well at all. In fact, the giant beetle was so enraged that Zup was leaving, especially after they had sorted out all their 'issues' that it went on a wild rampage through the gnome city injuring all those who got in it's way. Eventually, after exhausting all their ideas on how to pacify the raging insect, the city constabulary called Zup back to try to placate it somehow. Did he have any better luck? Nope, he stood in front of the angry beetle attempting his animal empthy check and it just trampled the poor gnome underfoot.

The following day, Zup went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the proceeding day and how he sustained such a multitude of injuries.

"Tell me Doc" said Zup, cradling a suspected broken arm, "Am I going to be okay?"
"Fine, fine" the doctor replied, looking him over.

"There's just a nasty bug going around."

[Skywatcher]

*looking around at the bodies on the floor after Pseudonym's last joke thanking Toran for her powerful fortitude, Clarissa reads his latest creation and promptly falls down dead*

[Falonthas]

ok i was fine until the comment about platonic man love that could only come from a pink shirt

[Stephen_Zuckerman]

Well, I guess that spells the end of the Beetle Bus.

[Fatherchaos]

// This is a bit of jest towards Jennara some time ago. The rp interaction of Dur'Thak and her had me in tears.


Dur'Thak was wandering deep into territory he had never been to before. His meticulous maps and research had indicated a rare resource might be found that he sought to study for it's alchemical properties.

However, his search was not proving as fruitful as he had hoped. Already he had searched for days, slinking amongst the shadows, and his spells nearly spent. By chance he happened upon a small settlement, and against his better judgment decided to see if he could glean any information from the locals.

He straightened his tail, flicked off various bits of gore from his armor, and tried to make himself appear as friendly as a gruesomely clad, well armed and irritable Tiefling could appear.

He practiced a smile for a bit, then simply gave up in frustration, realizing that he never showed his face anyways. To prepare himself for the task ahead he repeated over and over in his mind that "Primes are people too." He didn't believe his own words, but felt it might take the edge off for just a moment.

Carefully, Dur'Thak located two townspeople sitting on a log away from the others. Their garb was plain and their features calm and relaxed.

Dur'Thak let out an audible hiss as he approached and tried to act as friendly as he knew how.

"Greetingssss, primesssss."

The two individuals looked at each other and responded. "Well, yes, two is a prime number."

Dur'Thak blinked, confused for a moment, then continued.

"Eh ssseek 'eh cant 'er keeper on 'eh local top-sssshelf ssssparkle."

The two individuals looked at each other again and responded, "The inn is further into town, and the local merchant can be found just north of there, though his prices don't really shine."

Dur'Thak blinked, again confused, then continued.

"'eh ye twigged 'eh trade 'eh bit-o-cant fer ssssome jinx?"

The two individuals looked at each other again and responded, "I'm sorry sir, but we have no need of twigs and no canteen to offer you. Now that you remind us, we haven't played Jinx since we were kids."

Dur'Thak blinked, again confused, and a bit angry. He hissed inwardly, trying to calm his nerves, and began to lash his tail sharply.

The two individuals looked at each other again and responded, "Sir, if you could, we're allergic to cats, and I don't think it's in the best interests of your pet to keep the poor creature packed in your back pocket."

Dur'Thak blinked, again confused and even more enraged. He threw his hands into the air and expelled a stream of curses.

"Blexing clueless!" Dur'Thak shouted

To which the two individuals interjected, "Wisdom is in admitting a lack of knowledge, good sir"

Dur'Thak continued his tirade, "ye've got all 'yer wormsssss laughed out 'eh yer cage, barmy apple-chasssssersss all!"

to which the two individuals again interjected, "Sir, our pardon but we are not farmers and would prefer not to have worms with our apples. Many would not find such a situation amusing."

Barely aware of the two individuals response, Dur'Thak continued. "Yer 'ohle ssssodding back-ring sssshould take to a sssstyx sssswim!"

Again the two individuals interjected, "sir, neither have we a jeweler or a need to go swimming. And we're not particularly certain why would sticks be needed to do either."

"A canoe would be be a better choice." One of the individuals added, to which the other nodded in agreement.

Dur'Thak paused, blinked a few times, hissed loudly, and finally threw his hands up in protest.

"XAOSSSS!" He shouted.

"No sir, we have no houses for sale. We are but a collection of humble monks and their families."

Dur'Thak stood silent and still, his tail falling limp behind him. He was utterly defeated and at a total loss of insults to hurl at the individuals. Quietly he sank off into the distance, attempting to get as far away from the two as possible.

Later that night one of the Monks told the tale of the strange encounter to his wife.

"I met the strangest person today. He had a cat in his mouth and a lizard in his back pocket. He thought we were farmers and asked if there was a local merchant and inn. Apparently, he wanted to initially trade some twigs for a canteen. When he discovered we did not have a canteen to trade, nor would we accept twigs, he asked if there was a jeweler or if we would like to go for a swim. Again, he offered some branches in return. We had no need or want for either and informed him so. Finally he asked for a house."

The monks Wife turned and looked at her husband thoughtfully.

"This is most curious. He sought to exchange branches in payment, and kept a cat and lizard on him at all times?" The wife said thoughtfully.

The husband nodded.

The wife then continued, "I guess they let anyone be a druid these days."

[Falonthas]

doh!!

[Fatherchaos]

*Pokes his head in and looks around for more of Pseudonym's clever jokes, but only hears an audible "bump" nearbye *

[Pseudonym]

// Wow! Someone asked me for a joke? I guess I better pull out an extra special effort. //

A frog goes into the Temple of Deliar and approaches the teller in the bank bit off to the right hand side. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, the frog says,

"Mrs Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says,

"30,000 true."

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Abal Terser, my dad is a Xorn, and that it is okay, that he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that 30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that the frog will need to secure some asset against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says,

"Sure. I have this"

and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says,

"There is a frog called Abal Terser out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow 30,000 true. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant.

"I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says,

"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

[darkstorme]

// A joke is requested from Pseudo, and not from me?  I'm almost insulted!
// Here's one anyway.
// Edit:  That is possibly the oldest joke I know, Pseud.  I laughed anyway.

Now, with Sall back to being his old self, Tegan was feeling in a celebratory mood.  So she decided to buy herself a pet.  Being practical about these things (pet-buying, anyway), she decided that she'd seek out a pet that was both useful (as a guard) and loving (as a pet).  In other words, a dog.

So, off she went to the pet store.  In she walked, and saw the proprietor standing behind the counter.  "Hi there!" she said brightly.  "I'm looking for a pet dog who can also guard my house."

The proprietor looked her up and down.  "I have a mastiff..." he said cautiously.

"No, no..." she interrupted. "Something a little more unusual.  A domesticated Hill Hound, perhaps?"

The proprietor seemed lost for a moment, then he brightened.  "I know just the dog!" he cried, and nipped into the back of the store.  When he came back, Tegan nearly burst out laughing.  He was leading a dog which, though cute, was possibly the scrawniest specimen she'd ever seen.

"How is that going to be a guard dog?" she asked, shaking with barely repressed laughter.

"He has an innate ability that I think you might be interested in," said the proprietor enigmatically.  He vanished into the back of the store again, and brought out a medium-sized box.  He set it down in front of the dog, and opened the flap.  Immediately, a monstrous spider leapt out of the box and scuttled towards him.  Unconcerned, the man looked at the dog, pointed to the spider, and said, "Petrify the spider!"

The dog stared at the spider, and mid-scuttle, the arachnid turned to stone.

Tegan stopped laughing and stared.  "That's amazing!" she cried.

The proprietor nodded proudly, and set a houseplant down next to the spider statue.  He pointed at the plant.  "Petrify the plant!"  The dog stared, and the leaves changed from glossy green to dull grey.

This was enough for Tegan.  "I'll take him!" she said, and paid on the spot.   When she got home, she called out, "Sall, come see!  I bought us a guard dog!"

Sallaron came down to see... and nearly did a doubletake.  "That is our new guard dog?" he asked incredulously.  "That thing couldn't guard itself!"

"Oh, but this is a special dog," Tegan protested. "It can Petrify things!"

Sallaron chuckled, shaking his head.  "I can't believe you fell for a story like that!  Of all the crazy ideas... Petrify, my arse!"

[Stephen_Zuckerman]

Well, time to try my hand at this. I apologize in advance; my own touch on this one was light.


Tyrian and Creighton Dallorius, now getting well on in age, were having problems with their memories, so they decided to go to their town's cleric to get checked out, and make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the temple, they explained to the cleric about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, he told them that they were physically okay, but might want to start writing things down; make notes and the like to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while reading by the fireplace, Crieghton got up from his chair and Tyrian asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of strawberries?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down, so you can remember it?"

He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some sugar on top. You had better write that down, because I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of strawberries with sugar."

She replied, "Well I also would like cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the former paladin returned from the kitchen, and handed his wizardess a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

[Falonthas]

rofl!!!!

[merlin34baseball]

Hey Tyrian is half elven... she's not that senile....

[lonnarin]

Q: What did the vampire say when he entered the Diabetes Clinic?
A: I didn't know they came in sweet & unsweetened!

Q: What did the vampire say when he entered the pediatric ward?
A: I didna know they came in half-pints!

Q: What did the vampire say when he entered the mortuary?
A: Ugh! Send it back, this one has gone past its expiration date!

[Pseudonym]

A couple of adventurers, one human and one with a teeny tiny trace of elven blood were dismayed when they learned of Aeridin's withdrawal of His blessing that allowed half-blood babies. So, they decided to adopt ... after many months their long wait to adopt a baby finally came to an end. The Hempstead adoption centre sent a bird and told them that they had a wonderful elven baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local Crimson Eagle square and cornered the first elf they encountered to teach them elven . He of course agreed without question. The obliging elf inquired, "You realise this whole process might take 2 or 3 weeks ... Whatever possessed you to study elven?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted an elven baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

[Lalaith Va'lash]

Oh.. your so bad, Pseudo.

[ycleption]

You know, that would be funny, if there weren't people who actually were that ignorant.... My littlest sister is adopted, and believe me, thinking that she would grow up speaking Korean is not the strangest thing people have thought...

[darkstorme]

Penn Skitterwald, halfling-about-town, developed a very successful textile trading business in Khemit.  So successful, in fact, that the business quickly outgrew the limited trading pool that ran through the town, and he made the decision to pack up and move to Port Hempstead.

Now, being a halfling, when he moved, he brought his family.  All of them, including (despite his better judgment), his wife's mother's family.  Why against his better judgement?  Because that family included Lucretia Dapplegreen(no relation, they always humbly said), his wife's mother's sister.

Lucretia was a lovely woman, a champion cook, and kind and sweet to everyone - except for Skitterwald's own mother's sister, Dewleanne.  The two women hated each other from almost the moment they set eyes on one another.  And chief among their battlegrounds was the kitchen - specifically, the bake oven.  The two women were both icily polite, and it would never come to blows or namecalling... but each was determined to outdo the other - and both were champion piemakers.

The Skitterwald family had little to complain about in this; the rivalry resulted in more and better pies than any halfling family could hope for.  It was, however, ruining the normally happy atmosphere that pervaded the family kitchen.  More and more, it became a contest, a battlefield... not a hearth.

Penn hoped that the move to Hempstead would resolve the issues; instead, it exacerbated them.  The new house had a better kitchen, and the pies of contention grew better and better, the rivalry intensifying.  It would have stayed contained, were it not for a visitor to the Skitterwald home tasting the pies and exclaiming (much to the chagrin of Penn's family), "These are amazing!  You know, you could sell these!"

And so they did.  Their pies got better and better, and Lucretia and Dewleanne kept hiking up their prices.  Each time one sold a pie for a higher price, it was like a slap in the face, and the other would work harder still to produce a pie that would sell for more gold still.

This competition became so dramatic, so all-encompassing in its scope that even the bards began to take notice.  A pair, William Brightoath and Arthur Darkeyes, started to research into the whole dispute, and, uncovering more and more, finally decided that they could set the whole story to music, and put it on stage!

And they did, and the operetta was a huge success.  I'm sure you've heard of it.

What did they call it?

Simplicity itself.  They titled it, "The Pie Rates of Penn's Aunts"!

[Stephen_Zuckerman]

That doesn't even get a Thanks. You should be ashamed.