The journal of an Undead Slayer

[Hellblazer]

*A man in a dark over coat gets off a boat that just accosted in Hempstead. His staff by his side, he graciously says goodbyes to the people with who he had plaid card during his return trip. His blue hair flows a bit with the wind as he looks around. Nothing has changed much in the five years he was gone. Nothing but a scar going down from his right temple, over his cheek bone and ends nearly touching the jaw bone. His joyful face, now stoic and cold.*

He makes his way to the temple in Silkwood and after talking with the priest there he gets on one of the watch tower and lays his things down. Unrolls his covers and takes a book out that is binded with a leather strip. He sets it aside looking at it intensely thinking. Then he takes a new one out and opens it.*

Five years have I been gone and in that time nothing seems to have changed.  I left shortly after Dalila went away, taking with her my heart, my joy. And then the church called me, as I was told it would. Sent away to a far land, I was to roam and cleans it from the undead I was to meet. To my surprise, I found two lichs, and with a few local priest by my side, we dealt with them.

Now, I am back, the temple has receive no news from Dalila.. I guess she is not back from getting her son. As for me... I am still trying to figure out who I was before she left, who I have become now. A comrade on the trip asked me why I had never laughed or smiled not even once, since we met two years into the mission. I never told him. I keep to myself now and only speak to others when it is required by the mission.  I think I do this so I do not get hurt again .. I don't know *the last few words seems to be written with resignation*

What I know is that I can still feel there is plenty of undeads to cleans on Mistone. I will try to locate my old mentor, Master Quantum. Maybe together we will finally bring them all to their final rest.

[Hellblazer]

Well I have met with a few people I used to know. Muireann, Arkelio and a few others on the way back from the boat. Some were pleased to see me, others were indifferent. I guess thats what happens when you leave for so long without giving news.. but I don't care.

After going on to a trip to the rift with a group that quickly fragmented, after seeing the soul mother on the way up and receiving my diamond. I went back to Hempstead and met with Ferrit, where I passed my new order. After that I met with Sarah, my niece at the storm crest.

At first when she saw me she ran straight to me and jumped on me. I was still weaken by my meeting with the soul mother and fell back off the tree log, her over me. We got up and her happiness went to anger straight away. The first step is to learn to let go of the past and her hurt, to embrace her future with love, friends and her family.

We talked there for a long time, about why I was gone, and part of what had happened to her. I gave her some understanding of what love is, what it can do to heal a person, even if for me love is a stranger that has been ripped away and I am refusing to let in again.

We left after some time as I could feel the attention that was needed near velh, undeads again. But before I left, I told her we would be meeting again shortly.

She is scarred both from the body and the mind. I will try to talk to the priest in Silkwood, see if they can arranged for some powerful clerics to heal the marks that was left on her. After all, if Muireann got her limb reattached to her body, I would bed damned  if they couldn't heal the scars of the lashes and other Barbary that was done to my niece.  The mind, only love and her family can heal that with time.

[Hellblazer]

It seems that nothing has change in this land.

The dark taint that hunts the dead still rises them willingly, blatantly defying the circle of life. The minions it sprouts has gain in strength though, suggesting that the other Undead slayer of all faith, have been lax in their duties. No matter it means more work for me.

Since I have been back, only a few of those I knew have I visited. I do not feel any obligation to look out for any one. The word will spread soon enough and if they wish to see me, they will look for me. I have better business than to play the social one with anyone.

I do how ever wish to know if Dalila ever came back. Maybe if she has... well it's only supposition and nothing tangible.

I have seen my niece again today and she told me her father was in need of some supplies. After meeting with Sala Stonehill, we all decided to go and get those supplies. I can see that Sarah has still a lot of training to go through, but she has heart, a heart that shows how much hatred is in here. Maybe I should show her a few meditation technics to calm her self.

Anywho, the night is coming, time to go and hunt.

[Hellblazer]

I am troubled.. and confused.

Something I had not felt in a long time.. First Amilia seems to be feeling for me.. I trully don't know what to think of that.. she says that i should take my time. to learn to feel again.

But then Rose tells me Hanna had told her of a woman fitting the description of Dalila. Omer showed up and refused to give the location where i could find Hanna. After all this time he still hates me for something that was Hanna decision not mine. I felt rage.. I felt hatred .. for the first time in 4 years. I felt something but not something I did not want to feel, I do not want to feel.

I must know if it is Dalila.. I must.. and if I have to search the world to find Hanna, I will. He wont be able to stop me.

[Hellblazer]

//ok i will expose something due to a very big misunderstanding.

 In the consequent rp that followed the return of lex, he had decided to look for Dalila to fulfill a promise but also to put closure and move on. No one new about this fact to not taint the rp that was going to follow. But even before I talked to someone today, Lex had already rpied talking of looking for this closure with Amilia in hempstead. So with this I am sorry for the misunderstanding that happened.

[Cariad]

// Yes indeed me and Manny ( Lex) were actually RPing him finding Dalila to be able to find closure and move on with his life and regain some piece of his humannity with Amilia's help.
The RP session that we had happened long beofre Lex went silent whilst we were collecting Sand in Lake Paldin where i found out after that he was being talked to

i hope this is some sort of help to resolve the issue

[Hellblazer]

Today was a busy day.

Most of it I spent with Amilia and a good part of it with this young mage called Blake. Me and him collected wood and other things for Amilia, but we met some problem with the local arachnids when we went to get oak again. Needless to say that we both fell. When we got back to our grave they had moved off to an other feeding ground so we took what we had came there for and went back to hempstead.  Once there Blake had received a bird and he had to leave.

I sat down looking at the statue of Allurial thinking. Thinking of the past, the loves and losses I have had since my teens. Thinking of what I had became while I was away on that mission. A shell, an empty shell. One that is soul purpose is to serve and cleanse the lands of the taint that plagues these lands. Thinking of the report I had made to the temple, that I thought something or someone was massing a new army of undead. Thinking of what had just happened in the last couple of days and what Rose had told me, that I could not keep living suppressing my emotions that it would kill me bits by bits.

Then out of nowhere, well I was thinking and I did not see her come, Amilia came and joined me.  I told Amilia of the news I had received and right away her face changed. After some more talks of the past events that had happened only a few days ago, she asked me what I was going to do. I knew that that question had profound meaning for her. I told her I wasn't sure exactly, but that I had a promise I had to fulfill, To remember Dalila for the person she was. This promise could have a stronger meaning even because of what Rose told me. She may be amnesic, and I was the only one close enough to her to know who she really was. I told Amilia that if I was to find her, I would fulfill my promise and try to have Dalila remember who she was and then find closure so I could move on with my life, with Amilia's help to try and find a piece of my humanity back. She told me that I always had her help and would always have it.

After that Eric showed up we talked a little, but he had to leave and Amilia needed the wood I was carrying. So we went to make the Bolts Blake needed and after that, once we gave Blake his bolts, Me and her left hempstead to walk the woods of Alindor like we had done so many times before I left for the mission.

Right now for the second time since I came back, and where she showed she cared for me, I am writing these words in this new book while she is sleeping leaned in my arms.

I am still very much confused, she knows that I can not feel anything and yet she stands by my side and is willing to take all the time needed for me to feel emotions again. Maybe Master Quantum was right when we were leaving the crypt of Brenuth a month ago to go and give the vial to the North Point priest. Maybe I just have to let go.. I never broke a promise before.. I don't know if I can live with what is left of myself, doing that now.

[Hellblazer]

Walk around.

I woke up still where we had decided to rest, Amilia was gone. I'm no tracker but a person in armor leaving a trail of bodies to follow is not really hiding much. When I finally reached her we were close to the Miranet, so we went there and talked a little. Then we decided to make our way back toward town. That's when I noticed some familiar tracks. Light but not very agile. The tracks we followed took us deeper into the crest hills, where we stumbled on blake. Well more so he plaid invisible him and talked to us, having us look around to find him.

What I thought would be a peaceful walk in the woods turned into a war. Waves after waves of undeads came rushing at us. We dispatched them all and then tried to find the source of the taint but only found a strange statue. Both Blake and Amilia sensed something from it, I was more occupied at fighting the new weaves of deaders that had appeared. Each subsequent waves were stronger than the preceding. Blake even mention seeing a dragon up the hill.

When all was done and done, we hurried to the temple in Silkwood so I could make my report. Before that we had stopped at Amilia's new house in Leringrad. well not her's yet but soon. She also proposed that we should buy it with her. I have not slept in a house for ... nearly tirty years. this would mean a lot of getting used to for me. I have spent all my nights for those years under the stars, either on one of the platform of the temple in Silkwood or out in the field while hunting for the undeads. The idea, all be it strange for me, is not without merits.

When we arrived at the temple, I felt an immense weight on my shoulders, I did not know what it was, but I had a duty to perform and so I did my report. I will go back in the morning to the temple and see if I still feel that weight.

[Hellblazer]

*He is sitting on the leaved ground. His arms resting on his knees, his head low falling in between his arms. His hand intertwined together, holding a necklace resting over his head. In between his legs on the ground his new journal open receiving the stains of his tears*

She is dead... they found her body this morning... Her chest was empty of her heart... They tried to turn me around, they did not want me to see her. But the weight I had felt the previous day was there and I needed to know.

I pushed through them until I was faced with her body wrapped in a white blanket. I had to know.. I lifted the blanket and saw her beautiful face. I crumbled to my knees, four years of repressed emotions came bursting out of me. I roared as loud as my lungs would let me as I was knelled. The pain inside was to much for me to handle. The heart I had turned to stone shattered and torrents of pain, sadness, desperation were filling the cavity which was my heart. I had failed her in every way. I had failed to protect her. I had failed her to be the man she knew I was. I had failed to find her and tell her I had not forgotten about her. All the promises I had made to her, I had broken them all one by one.

Still knelling I lifted up my eyes again on her, beside her body was the Amulet I have had made for her. The gold was still shinning with its red tint that was my blood. She had kept it all this time, the chain was broken. I couldn't look at her anymore I couldn't bare the failure I was. I straggled up and gave her one last kiss on the forehead, my tears falling down on her face.  I took the blanket and covered her then picked her up and the amulet.

I walked with her crossing mistone entirely not stopping once. I walked carrying her in my arms, while people were looking at me. I walked her to the one place I knew she loved the most and I laid here there, for her final resting place, under the trees and within the flower beds of the Miranet...

I will never forget you Dalila.. never.

*He stays sitting there close to her grave, letting all the buried emotions flow out of him*

[Hellblazer]

How long have I been sitting there in front of her grave? I had lost track of time until Master Quantum and Amilia came and found me. Apparently The Aeridinites had sent them each a letter, telling them of what had happened and where I could be found.

In this time of Solitude, I looked back at my past again, and all I could see was that I had given far more then I had received. I had given my life, my soul. I had given my whole self and Had turned myself into an empty shell, so I could go on and do the work that was asked of me. I had let people around me get hurt, by my absence, by the bound of this faith. And for what? pain suffering and grief? I can not go on serving something that has lost all its meaning to me. I am not the kind of person to sit back and see the people around me suffering when I could have been there to help them.
This decision, I had slowly came to through the years and more now through the time where I mourned the death of Dalila, it came to a finalization. I will not use the powers of Aeridin again, never. I can not, it is not who I am. I long to protect, to defend. I can not just watch. It is not who I am.

Master Quantum has took upon himself to equip me with weapons to replace those I will never use again. And Barion to teach me how to use the long sword. Even the symbol on the shield I had made me feel sick. The armor of the golden leave, feels like it is tainted by everything I have lost due to inactions this faith prone when it comes to protecting people from others. I have already felt the powers of Aeridin leave my body. Strangely I do not feel less, nor powerless. It is different, but it is not something to be feared.

I can not and will not deny who I am anymore.

I have went back to the Aeridin temple in Silkwood, and I have given back the flag that I used to bring his light into the shadows. It does not belongs to me and keeping it will only contribute to me remembering the pain.

I move one to be who I truly am. A protector of the weak, of those who can not protect themselves. This is who I am, this is who I should have been.

I will continue to hunt the undead and put them to rest, even without divine powers. It is part of who I am. I know that Master Quantum had spoken to me many times of Toran as he viewed it was more who I am. The defender of justice of the weak and the innocents. I have a lot to think about .. for now I wish simply to live and regain what I had lost of myself.

Again Amilia showing her desire to be there and part of this new road that is before me. I am worried that I will not be strong enough as I have failed every one else. But still she is there and says she will remain there by my side. I have not sought her out, she simply came and slowly made her place in my life. It is simple with her but will I be able to give her what I know she wants?

I feel that a weight has finally been lifted from my shoulders, a weight I had for so many years. I am able to see more clearly the path that lies ahead.

[Hellblazer]

A week passed since I buried Dalila and I lose patience at people that are joking around about death. I feel a bit bad about it since they couldn't possibly know. Only Amilia knew.

Well we got enough money for her to buy her house now, providing Boon takes diamonds instead of cash. That trip was not the most pleasant though. I died twice, felt the soul mother very close but she staid away. Then Ami felled with Barion. And while she was recuperating, the whole party got decimated.

A few days later we had a few moment to ourselves and we talked. I told her I was sorry that I had not been much receptive to her and what she might feel for the past four months, but she understood with what had happened. I did tell her though that I appreciated her help and the fact that I was happy that she was making her place into my life. She even accept the fact that I'm 54 years old and that who I am is the only thing I could give to her, she said she never expected more.

Then after a small bit of trouble with the ants man and me meeting with the soul mother. Blake lets out this youngish, kiss her already. Both Ami and I were stunned by that. She was tired though and After hugging her good night Blake decided to have a talk with me. "Don't wait to long she will not always be there." "You know she is the one, she will always love you for who you are and don't try not telling me you don't in return."

He may be right though, she may not be always there, but ... I have to say that I am afraid. All of those who I loved and cared for have either vanished, left or died. Well All beside my sister and her family. And I still need time to adapt to my recent changes and the fact that I stopped repressing my emotions. When I think of it, I had always appreciated her presence more than just friends. At the time though I was madly head over heals for Dalila, and never let this appreciation go further than what it was. Maybe Blake is more wise than he looks for his age. The true question I think is, is it just compassion toward me and what had happened, or is there really something there.

I guess the only way to know is to talk to her.

[Hellblazer]

I have to find it in me,

The long trip we had today shown me how much dependent I was on the powers that Aeridin had granted me. And now I find that I am dependent on the help of others. 24 years and more have I cared for myself, now I can't even do that.

Still I don't regret this decision, it is what is best for me. I will overcome this and I will learn to compensate. Master Quantum has said many things about his faith that has struck some thinking nerve.

I was always more proactive than what Aeridin zealots liked. Always wanting to aid the weak, protect them and empower them. To be there for those I cared about and protect them.

"You must find one that fits who you are" Aye, who I am. A protector at heart, caring and with the will to bring aid to those in need. An undead slayer in soul, one that seek out the tainted and bring them to rest, powers or not.

"Toran shows loves to all, protects all. He protects the innocent."

Isn't that who I am? okay I don't love all.. but to be able to protect and help the innocent.. that is who I am. I know he had seen that in me many times before and he is not the only one. Even Mirrim Cade said the same thing today when I saw her again.

"You have that need to right wrongs inside you. Most of Toran's faithful do as well. Whereas Aeridin demands, more than ever now, an acceptance of things as they are. Not as they could ideally be."

It's true I always had that desire, always had that need. But rarely could I act on it due to my vows to Aeridin. Now though I can. I can do what my hearts screams to me when I see injustices being done, when I see tyrant praying over those who can not fight back.

I remember the time on that boat, with a bunch of us had captured Wyleth. Some wanted to go up to torture him on the spot, other to tie him down below and let the event unfolds, would he survive or die they did not care. Me and Clarissa where the only ones pushing for him to get a fair trial. I even pushed that it was not done by Rofireins, since he had murdered one of their own, and impersonated a clergy member for so long. I knew he would not get a fair trial, was he Innocent? no. But was he in a position to be able to defend himself if they choose to deal justice on their own? no.

It only shows that the need to pursue justice, what is right, protect those who are unable to, was always part of me. Even as  a young boy the principles of my village, honor and respect were taught to me, codes that are close to those of the Toranites.

I fail to see how I never understood that before. How I never saw these as signs. No wonder I was so often in conflict within me, when it came to the inaction of the church when action should have been taken.

Like I have written before, this new path is liberating and it allows me to see more clearly what lays ahead of me. I will ask Master Quantum to expose to me more of what he believes in. Maybe .. just maybe.. in there I can find someplace that fits who I am, without restrain, without compromise on the person who I am.

On other notes. I have to remember to tell Sonya that Storold says hi, he seemed to have spent a great deal of time with her when she was starting to follow Luncida.  We went on a trip with him to see the circle of eight, a Luncindite constellation. When we finally saw it, he had to pray by himself. I think he is set on a new path in his faith, one that will requires a lot more of himself. Poor Abigail got struck dead by some satyr's on that trip. She kept a high spirit though, got to admire that.

I haven't seen Amilia in a few days now. I'm missing her presence. Blake got me nervous, I just hope he doesn't do something foolish as witting letters on my behalf. I can write my own letters, I just need to find the words in me to express what I do feel. It used to be easy to do that.

Well the nights coming, time to hunt the deads.

[Hellblazer]

I have not felt so alive in years.

It wasn't much, it was a simple trip, but one that brought me down on memory lane. Tegan was going to get some Bodak teeth fro Master Quantum and she welcomed me to come with her. After she casted some protection spells we went in the rooms. I was swift, I was strong, I was willed and down they fell to my sword. I was alive.. I am alive.

I also Apologized to her for my outburst after we had all fell at the rift. She understood and dismissed it. I also explained to her why I was so thankful when she casted her she casted her spells on us on Alindor. She still tried to down play the significance of her role, but the fact of the matter is, if it wasn't for her skills and spells, we would not have succeeded.

But when we were in Storan's, she seemed to have fun her self. She is quite a powerful mage.

We talked a bit about the new path I was now walking on, what I would be doing and about Master Quantum, who I know will gladly guide me into this new life.

hmm what else to write.. oh I have started to learn a new craft.. well my first real craft. I went and collected malachite, to then check my recipe book and find out it was greenstones I needed. So I went to the red light and mined some. At first it was rather easy, I also picked up so many salt for Amilia, that I could open a quarry. But as I was mining, on minute I was picking up the last greenstone of that vein the other minute I woke up in my home land of the drifts land.  Three hundred pounds of rocks, walking in the sand sinking to half calf deep. It took me a while but I made it back to the goblin waste land. After sending a few birds out, Galan, Mirrim and Marcus arrived. All but Mirrim went in and we got my grave, shortly after that, thats when we bumped into Tegan, and the rest is already written.

It has been a month now since i have seen Amilia. I sent her a letter trying to express my feelings. I hope it did not scare her and be the reason why I did not see her. I've grown found of her presence and I find that I am longing for her smile and giggles. I hope to see her soon.

Tomorrow is an other day. I will find Master Quantum and I will learn. But for now, the night is falling. Time for me to go out and cleans the land the best I can with only who I am, my sword and my shield.

This little trip in Storan's with Tegan shown me that I am not so useless after all, I wish Amilia had been there to see me. I was happy like a fish in water. It really put me in a good mood, I even succeeded in making my first ever essence of cure.

[Hellblazer]

Hmm time in solitude...

I have not seen Amilia for nearly a month now, sent her a letter and I am writing her an other one. I miss her. I hope all is well on her side.  Things has moved foward between us. We have shared many things that we both didn't knew. For years she have had those feelings for me, before Dalila, but she has never expressed them because she didn't know if I was having the  same. Before Dalila.. I was having them. Dalila changed all of that, but Amilia always had a special place. And now, now that we both told each others what we felt, we can move in life together being a support for each others, through good times and bad times, sharing our feelings for each others without worrying if the other feels them in return.

I had the unpleasant task of telling my niece about the changes that Aeridin went through. She was not happy to know that both her and her siblings would never be able to have children. That the bloodline of her father would end there with them. I wished Amilia would have been there, she probably would have elbowed me, which would have prevented me telling that to Sarah. But I feel she has a right to know. The same way that she now knows that her father has gone looking for the boy that sold her as a slave.

At that she was really mad, she couldn't believe he would risk his life that way. But I think it's more because she wanted her revenge herself.  I did not tell her all the reasons though, but she now knows of the most important ones. Of what had happened to Rain before he was dragon called. I'm not sure why my sister and Rain has not told their children about Rain's other children. She told me when she was sad a few years back. An other thing Sarah can not believe. She may have an older brother, providing he is still alive somewhere. But there is no hope for Rain descendant, not only is he cursed, but his blood is impure and as such he can not bare any children anymore nor his children will be able to either. This must weight so much on him, if he knows.

All of this mad me quite uncomfortable as of late, and under the consul of Master Quantum I have spent a lot of time reading at the Toran temple of Fort Llast. From what I have read, I can better understand why he felt my place should have been by his side from the start. If find that place to be filled with a great legacy, honor, truth, loyalty, vigilance, duty. All things that are part of who I am. I can hardly wait for our future talks, see what they will hold.

Well I better get going, more things to get for Amilia's craft, and the night will be here in a few hours.. I will go hunting the dead again tonight.

[Hellblazer]

*He sits outside by a fire looking at the sun go down and the moon appearing at the opposite side of the sky. He goes back to writing a letter, transcribing it in his Journal at the same time*

Ceela

Oh how I miss you, your smile, the sound of your voice, the gentleness of your touch. I miss to feel your presence by my side, laughing and calling me oldy.

Things are going well though. I have started to read books that Master Quantum has consul me to read. I can understand where he saw that my place would have been better served under the watchful sight of Toran.

You know me well Amilia, maybe better than most. You tell me. The creeds of Toran are the following. Protect the weak and empower them so they can live up to protect themselves in return, seek out injustice and right it. Duty, honor, truth, diligence.  I know these are all part of me, things I have sought for all my life, things I have fought for all my life.  Am I so wrong to also believe that my path should have been there, hidden from my sight all this time, but waiting for me to awaken?

When I thought that only Master Quantum saw in me the making of a good Toranite, here comes an old friend who heard me reading a loud at the temple, Clarissa.  Through our talk, she reminded me of the first day we had met, and how further down the line, she seen how those creeds, those values were already seeded in me and also conflicting with the path I was on already.

I wonder at times, how people could see this, could see that I was not meant to be on that path and yet I did not for a long time. As she said, Toran is very patient and understanding, if it is my true wish to server him, she thinks he will welcome me under his light. And you know.. it may be that I will be able to remain myself now, how I think, how I feel things. To be able to do what I have always longed to do. To protect those who can not protect them self, to right the wrongs that I see, to be by the side of my friends in their walk thought out the world protecting them without feeling remorse at doing it against the faith I once had.

I was blind on many things for a long time, the faith I though was the one, the faith I should have followed for all these years, and you. I am glad I am no longer blind and that we have found each other again. I am glad that I am not to old to be able to pursue these new path that lays ahead of me. And even if we have been apart for a little while now, I am glad that you accept me for how I am without asking more than I can do or give.

Well night is finally here, I have to try to see how I can fare in Storan's, see if I can still do my duty in there even without divine power.

I miss you hun.
With love
Lex'or Gravedigger

Well time to go and hunt.

*he closes the journal and send the letter away on a falcon that was happily eating a piece of raw feline meat.*

[Hellblazer]

It is a small victory, but one no matter.

Even though I had to use a potion to be able to leave Storan's, even though I could feel my strength being sapped out of me by the shadows. I was still able to stand toe to toe with the undeads and kill as many as I could. Not even the Bodaks where taking hold over my mind. Maybe it is Toran showing me that even if I do not follow him yet, he is still protecting me so I can work.

This gives me new hopes that I will be able to continue my work. I need to find some way to prevent the dark energy to affect me. But I will not stop, I will keep on and fight the good fight.

Master Quantum was suppose to meet me today for an other lesson in the ways of Toran but he did not show up. I hope he is alright. He has been different since he had to stake his own daughter. But slowly I think he is getting through this ordeal. I know where he takes his strength on, and I know that that strength is plentiful. May he keep his watchful eyes on Master Quantum. I also wonder what has happened of Max, our winged friend. Master Quantum has not spoken of him, to me since the time we have brought the vial to north point. Intriguing to say the least I will go back to where I saw him the first time, maybe he is still there.

*closes the journal and goes back to gathering things for him and Amilia*

[Hellblazer]

Sweet moments,

I saw Amilia while I was walking in my homeland the drift lands. She was watching the little pound in north fort and never heard me approached. She jumped a little when I wrapped my arms around her waist then turned in them and smiled when she realized it was me. We talked for a little while there, I don't know if she has received my last letter, she didn't say. But it felt good holding her again.

Reluctantly though, I let my hold go as we went to mine some "topy", as she calls them, and play with the giants. The trip wasn't to hard but she got tired fast and needed to rest. While she was resting I couldn't but stop to look at her sleep. A small smile on her face, her head resting on my shoulder, a real angel and blessing into my life.

Some time letter when she shift position, Master Quantum and a man named Shamur came in and made quite a racket. I went to investigate who they were since I had not seen them enter. We ended up partying together and mining deep into the cave. When we came back to were Amilia was resting, only Master Quantum staid and we talked about Toran. The fact that he is a God of actions but not of destruction and he told me a little story in that regard, while Amilia had moved back to rest her head on my shoulder.

A few months back, we went to thin out the ogres that had built up an army. Me Rose Clarissa Omar and a few others. We went to the main city, we defeated there army, but we would not hurt there women and children...  Others tried but we stopped them...  Toran smiles because of this..  He does not want us to destroy the helpless... I refused to, Toran is a deity of action..  Not of destruction.. The shield is to protect, we think of Toran as the shield.  We do what we must do...  Now undead are a different story and need to be destroyed...

He even told me something he had not before

I felt along time ago Toran would lead you in this direction

I guess I was blinder than I though.

When he left and Amilia was still sleeping I decided to go get more "Topy" the first time I barely made it, the second time was disastrous and I met the soul mother again. If Amilia finds out, I'm sure to meet her for the seventh time *chuckles a little as he write this*

But Seriously, I need to be more careful. I will go back to the temple today, read more on Toran, his deeds, his history. I am starting to believe my place is there, under his watchful eyes, by the side of my mentor fighting together for justice, for the weak and to cleanse the land of the taints.

Even if I am questioning how loyal I may be, lets face it I did leave a faith I had followed for nearly 30 years. Master Quantum still believe me to be a man of loyalty and says that Toran will see me as one too.

I can only hope.

[Hellblazer]

I have a house,

After more than thirty years of sleeping in the wild, I finally decided myself and I bought a house for me and Amilia. For a few weeks I kept it secret trying to arrange it a bit for it's big day. Of course not seeing Amilia for a month and a few days more helped but I was getting a bit wary of the wait so when she finally showed up I tried everything to get her to follow me to Krandor.

At first she wouldn't believe it, it took a kiss for her to realize it wasn't a dream. I showed her how I had started to set up our storage space after making sure she would understand that this was as much hers than mine, then came the special relaxation room I designed for her.  She loved it.

I'm getting wary though.. the more the time passes the less comfortable I am with losing my powers. I wont stop going on treks and all, but  it's certainly making me be a lot more careful. And because of that I have plunged myself into crafting, crafting, crafting and again crafting. I am getting better at making self potion of medium cure, my skills at smelting will be sufficient soon to provide the ingots Amilia needs and my skills at making the tanning oils and acids are almost perfect, Amilia wont be missing any of those soon either.

But all this crafting is getting to me, I miss the hunt.. the cleansing of undeads, I miss standing toe to toe with the foes that would be trying to hurt my friends. I miss being able to defend the weak and the oppressed but above all, I miss having alone time with her, walking in the woods and just talking.

I guess I am getting old.

[Hellblazer]

A year.

A year since I came back, a year since I buried Dalila. A year since I have left the church and felt the powers of Aeridin be pulled out of my soul. Six month that me and Amilia have been together growing closer with everyday.

I feel wary about the lost of my powers, it is not something I would have expected to affect me this much, but I remain, I am alive, I am well and fighting. I will go on and providing I find the grace of Toran, I will become his servant. This is my hope which keeps me from crumbling, that and the love Amilia has for me.

Above all though, I feel useless, the trip to the emerald skull showed it to me more than ever. I was basically the one that followed and in the end that slowed them down. I had nothing to offer to them "The slime killer" is all that I managed to do. Master Quantum says that all that is holding me back is myself. That Toran would gladly accept me in his ranks, that I only have to show him that I am his servant. Somehow I feel there is more to that. A deity will not let go of a servant that easily not after giving him part of it's essence. I have  to sever completely the link I had with Aeridin, have his watch, his sight and his taint removed from me for ever.. somehow.  Only then will I be free to fully give myself to Toran service.

In any case enough of this.. I await by Corax lake for Master Quantum so much to do and yet beside a few hours the other day, I have not seen Amilia for a long time and we live together..

I think it is safe to write now and I will tell her.

I love her.

[Hellblazer]

Many things has happened as of late,

Quantum had to endure the worst fate someone could, stand by the woman he loves while she is getting married to someone else. At first when the elves guard stopped us from performing the ceremony at the temple of the air, Beasty wanted to break it all off. That showed me one thing, he has no patience.. further more, at any little problem he might just try and break it off. Something I know for sure he will get as a married man. I do not know any couple that doesn't have their own problems from time to time. And well if that little set back was enough for him to almost yell at her to leave him and go marry Quantum. I pity Peanut when they are going to face real problems in their lives.

Beside that, things are getting comfortable with Amilia.. maybe to comfortable. We haven't done anything in quite some time now. I am happy with her and also happy we have the same thought on a possible family in the future, but I hate being complaisant. I get up she sleeps, I go out and do what i need to do to bring back money and things she needs to work. when it's my time to sleep, mostly during the day since I still hunt the deads at night, she is out and about. So we don't spend much time together at all. Even when I decide not to go hunt the deads and change my sleep schedual, something that isn't easy to do after all those years. We still do not get to see each other much. Well at least I have finished arranging the first of our two stock rooms.

As for my free times, I spend it at the temple, reading and reading and reading the Words of Toran. I spend sometimes with Clarissa to from time to time, where we talk about the edicts and how she puts them to life in her life. But since Peanut wedding, Quantum has basically disappeared. He is my mentor.. has been for many years. And I have to say that without him to guide me I am feeling quite lost. It's a strange thing when you consider a younger person to be a father figure but that is how much he has grown on me. His wisdom has got me through a lot of things, and I am finding that I am missing it a lot as of late.

I just hope he is alright.