How can I know anything?

[Crizzan]

I made my way from Vehl to Port Hempstead. The people of Vehl were nice, but I wanted to get as far as I could from that city. The great and powerful, wise, good, patient and vigilant Haldamir warned me that the evil in me would one day cause me to seek the destruction of those that had tried to help me if I could not be rid of it. I have been most careful. The wonderful, powerful, intelligent and knowledgeable Haldamir never allowed me to hear the name of that city. By the time I was occasionally away from him, I had learned to avoid hearing such a thing lest it lead me back there if the evil triumphed despite his heroic efforts to banish it.
He tried desperately, I know that he did, but still my skin stayed black showing the evil rooted deep inside me. Sometimes when he beat me, I hoped that he would finally beat me enough that blackness would flee and I would become the golden yellow that marks all true elves in their goodness and purity. I often checked the mirrors, hoping for some sign that the evil was finally leaving me. Evil is so tricky! I once thought to find a golden place upon one arm, only to discover it was but the reflection of a candle's light upon the sweat from my constant labors. Still, I think my hue is slightly lighter than it was when I was younger. I hope that there may be some faint spark of golden goodness inside me. No, I must be wary. I was punished often because I dared think I might recognize goodness when I am so evil. It is only the evil trying to fool me into thinking it is good.

But enough talk of that great elf's efforts. If I had enough good in me to do the right thing, I should stand in the midst of the square uncovered that all might see the horror of my shame, the outward sign of the great evil born within me and smoldering there yet. No, it is cowardice that makes me hide. Maybe it is both cowardice and evil. If I were not a coward, I would have remained in the guiding love of Haldamir and cooperated after I learned that he planned to cause  me a total and final death that would confine my evil forever to the realm of demons. I must be both coward and evil, for I fled despite knowing that he alone could do only what was right and good.

***

I met some people today. Izzy was nice and she was beautiful. No! I must not think such things. Master Haldamir, the great and wise, often warned me that I am too evil to associate with any woman, especially those that are beautiful. I cannot be trusted. The evil born inside me would make me cause them suffering and shame as my evil father did my good and innocent mother. I am so evil that I kept secret from him that I knew such women in that city. I even dared call some friends, but I was always very careful to avoid any opportunities for evil by ensuring that many larger, stronger men were near to stop me if the evil took control of me.
It was some years before I began to suspect that some of those men might also be evil despite the color of their skin. I must not think such things. Even though Tommy the Knife killed people for money, his skin was closer to the gold of a true and good elf than mine will ever be. He could not be doing such things because of evil, but because of good choices that I simply cannot understand.
I know that I do not understand many things. A man I met, Blackie they called him, told me that sneaking and hiding as I do is not evil because children do such things playing hide and seek. Of course, he could not see my skin when he told me that. If he had seen it, he would know. Struggle as I might, all that I do must be evil or lead to evil because of that evil born within me. My only hope is that I might avoid trusting to my own judgments about good and bad and accepting that others make much better choices.
I want to listen t Blackie. I do not know if I can trust his wisdom in this. He claimed that Dark Elves are not born evil but made evil. The great and powerful, wonderful, wise, vastly educated and good Haldamir proved such things could never be true when he raised me. His mighty struggles could not prevail against such evil, for my skin is still black with its taint. If such a mighty warrior for good so dedicated to his task could not drive evil from one child ever under his watchful eye (except when evil caused me to avoid his eye and seek companionship apart from his swift rod of moral guidance), surely no other could manage such a feat.
Indeed, Blackie still referred to those as Dark Elves, a sure sign that the evil has not truly been driven forth, but it only hides under the guise of good while awaiting an opportunity to strike at all that is good when least expected. So I was taught, so it must be. That his arguments made sense to me only proves that the evil in me was coloring his thoughts and befuddling his mind. I knew he was trying to trick me into choosing evil when he said that some do evil in the temple of some god name Corath. I almost said that must be evil, but I remembered that all should have places that they might worship. How could a god be evil? He did not even claim that it was black. He was dressed all in black, but that means nothing. Master Haldamir often wore black. He explained to me that anything you could put on and take off did not reflect the nature of your self, only the color that shines through the skin.

[Crizzan]

Met a girl today. She seemed nice, but how would I know? She talked about good coming from evil. I almost asked about her color. She's gray. Master Haldamir didn't tell me what gray skin means. Does it mean that she was a Dark Elf, but she found a wy to overcome some of the evil inside her? Could it mean that she's falling into evil and it is taking her?
If it is the first, I should discover how she has risen from the depths of depravity to become a person that goes about singing al the time. I'm not sure I could sing, but if that's what I must do to overcome the evil born inside me, then I will sing loud and often.
But, if it is the second, I must be very wary of her, because she is definitely a bad girl. Who knows what twisted and perverse things she might lead me into?
I hope it is the first... She was helpful to me. She showed me many places and ways that I could profit without so often risking my life. Still, I must be wary.
Evil often tricks me into doing the wong things. Master Haldamir said that, and he should know. He kept many notes on the evil I have done since birth. I wonder how the evil knew that as a baby I should dirty while my diaper was removed just as I was set aside for a moment on Master Haldamir's spell book? According to Master Haldamir's notes, that cost him much time and effort recovering spells. There is no telling how much evil was done while he was too busy recovering his spells to mind the town.

[Crizzan]

I met two girls today, Indis and Silver. Indis works in a tavern. Silver? I cannot know for sure. She speaks of magic, but she is no wizard. They almost convinced me to remove my helm despite my insistence that they would not like my looks. I even reached for it, almost convinced. My fear overcame me, though, so I made another excuse.
I am thankful that I did. A very short time later, they revealed the belief that they should hunt down and destroy all Dark Elves. I shudder from how close I have come to being cast out yet again because of my awful heritage.
They did not act such a way when a man entered that they seemed to know, even though his skin was blue. Blue skin must not have such a meaning as that of the darkest evil.
Indis invited me to travel with her and with a group that was traveling to explore and perhaps gain treasure. I was excited. After so long alone, to be accepted -even if hidden behind leather and steel- into a group as an equal... Well, a lesser, since Indis warned me that my skills would require me to remain back from any fighting and use only my bow, but that was only due to my lack of skill.
I must be doomed DOOMED to remain ever alone! As we met the others in a clearing, I saw there a Dark Elf the others treated well. I wondered at such a thing, wondering if I had, perhaps, been tempted into evil by the evil crouching within me. I had little opportunity to ask. A creature like a large ogre arrived. Everyone else prepared to fight it on sight, even though it had approached and stood without making threatening gestures. I finally, reluctantly rose to support them. Is this what it means to be part of a group, that I must attack others that offer no threat? I cannot know. Just as it seemed that conflict might be avoided, darkness descended over most of the field. I was on the fringe. Moving back, I could see a dark cloud over most, I could hear them speaking, but I could see noithing. I moved closer in an effort to understand what was happening. In an instant, I was transported.
Where was I taken? I know not. One moment, I stood there. The next, all was darkness. I floated as if in water, but I breathed and felt no resistance when I tried to swim. There was no light to see. My voice floated off into the distance without reply or echo. I have died before, I can remember such things, although that is difficult for me to understand. This was different. I simply floated. Nothing I did seemed to affect anything. I felt that strange pressure I have felt before in Master Haldamir's workshop. Could that pressure have caused such a thing?
Worse, could that pressure born of the evil within me have brought me here where everything is darkness? I screamed as I realized that this must be a place of darkest evil.
I am no longer in that place. I am back in Port Hempstead. The others are gone. I shudder with fear and loathing. The evil almost had me that time. I must remain on guard. Perhaps it is better that I am alone. If the evil takes me again, it will harm no others....

[Crizzan]

Traveled a bit with Lisse and someone named Mir or Miri. He was called both by Lisse. She seemed to know him well. He's either a good knight of some kind or studying to become one, I'm not sure which. We hunted down some things called undead creatures. Apparently, they attack travelers and babies. I figure travelers could just go another way, but babies is carrying things too far. I mean, attacking travelers is not necessarily a bad thing - they might just be defending themselves from trespassers - but attacking babies is another thing. No one could claim that babies threatened them first.
Anyway, it turns out that undead is another name for skeletons that get up and move around and dead bodies that walk around as zombies. I have no problem killing (can you kill something that's dead?) things like that. They make my skin crawl. I got kind of sick fighting some more of those in the catacombs under Vehl. Even after I was healed, I still felt weak until after I got a good sleep in the inn.
Lisse and I talked a little after I delivered a package to Mo in Port Hempstead. She seems really uncomfortable even talking about Dark Elves. I know I will never see her again if she ever sees me without my helmet. She mentioned that A'zatta was both the best of the good gods and a Dark Elf called the Redeemer. She also mentioned that her mother (or was it her aunt?) knew some Dark Elves that turned away from evil. When I said it might be a good thing to talk to her mother about that, she seemed very worried. But she relaxed when I said that would be a good way to find out how those Dark Elves escaped from evil. I fear she may begin to suspect me. I pray not. So far from my friends, it is difficult to meet and get to know people. It is easier than it was in the past because they do not know what horror hides behind my helm. If they should discover that, with so many eager to kill any like me... I should be forced to run far and seek yet another new beginning.

[Crizzan]

Met a bunch of people.
I guess the most memorable are Samantha, a small package that is quite distracting, from Alindor. Isn't that called something else now? Then there were Allei, Alantha, and their quiet friend... Amazingly, Allantha is a Dark Elf that is allowed to live openly in Port Hempstead. She is accepted by many, even considered a hero by some. I asked her how to do such a thing (as carefully as I could despite my excitement at hearing of such things and without revealing my own difficulties). She said she could not tell me that because it was too hard... I pressed the issue later. She told me many tales of heroic endeavor and great battle. ... If that is what it takes, that is what I will do! I will be the greatest in battle of all seen anywhere, so that others must accept me and show me how I might become good!

***

I went into battle with a large group of others folowing a giant fighter of great power but few wits. That may have been a mistake...
Desperate to prove myself, I charged ahead, striving to remain with the giant whatever betide, that I might be recognized as a strong force for good and not so bad despite my skin.
No triumph. No acceptance. No glory. Only death. Death. I cannot follow the only path that leads to good and acceptance. I must ever hide. I must ever fear discovery. Perhaps death would not be so bad as that. I was born doomed, doomed by the evil of my father, and I remain doomed. I see no choice but that I must remain doomed for all my days. No matter how I strive, I could not become such a hero. If not a hero, I am outcast and hunted.
If not death, what? A lonely cave, perhaps. A secluded glen? I have seen how others wander freely about seeking things to kill. Is there any place so secluded that some will not find me, some seeking to murder and destroy all that I am because of my curse? I think not.
I should just die. That is my only respite.
But this thing in the stones, it keeps sending me back again and again... I cannot die and I cannot live. Is there no mercy? Is there no hope?

[Crizzan]

What torture is this? Hope is again dangled before me despite my curse. As I sat pondering my undeath before the fountain, knowing I could neither die nor live, a stranger approached. Without seeking recompense or justification, he offered to take me to my grave that I might recover myself. I warned him of the many dangers along the way and the poor chance of survival with but two when I had died amid many, but he remained unswerving in his offer. Reluctantly, knowing I would be the cause of his death even though I am not such that any should die for me, I accompanied him and tried to lead him to he place of my demise. Even when I lost my way, he was devoted to his cause.
To my amazement, he indeed protected me among many dangers and took me to my grave. I had nought to repay him.
If there are such people in the world, I may find a place where I might live in some peace and, perhaps, know companionship. No, that is too much to ask. Peace will be enough. It will be more than I have known.

[Crizzan]

I traveled a bit with Fianon Brightbow. We see so much of each other, and he is always of help... Would such a creature aid m if he knew what I was? Have I the right to risk his life upon my discovery in Hempstead if he knows not?
After swearing him to utter secrecy, I took him to the clearing at the crossroads. A search confirmed that it was secure from eavesdropping. Then, I removed my helmet that he might see the horror of my face.
He pretended no distress, inviting me to sit again and saying that the actions of a person are more important than appearance. Even so, his discomfort was visible. He argued that I was not born evil but made to suffer from the evil f others. I have felt this way, this method of excusing my curse by blaming others for their reactions, but I tried to explain the truth: That people react in such a manner to evil revealed. He told me that those knowing me would accept my visage. I cannot have such optimism. Many that knew me from birth sought my destruction. I have known and I have recently met many that would kill me on sight because of my curse.
He claimed it was no curse but accident of birth. Accident of birth? My birth was no accident, it was the result of great evil worked upon an innocent by a being of great evil!
Besides, I feel such pain whenever the weave is used... that must be the curse within me becoming enraged by the near invocation of the weave. I did not tell him of the times things, dark, terrible things, had happened about me, of how I fell into unending darkness when a spell of darkness was cast nearby.  Others were not so affected, but I was taken to a place that must be most foul... there was no light there of any kind. Other times, if I am not careful to control my emotions, ice crystals will form on a bench, dim lights will burn above my head, or leaves will swirl up from the forest floor to form monstrous shapes, all to remind me that I am truly cursed...
I would have told him so, but our converse was interrupted by the approach of a man seeking a Temple of Corath. He said that he hunted evil wherever it might be found, but he gave us a name I knew as a lie from the moment he said it. Such is common to the pursued, but not to the pursuer. He was accompanied by a half giant -so it said- named Grok. They offered us no harm, so I offered to share the fire.
Still, his manner worried me, and he seemed most suspicious of me. Whatever he might be, I think him not what he seems. I wonder what will become of the foolish giant that follows him with such trust?

[Crizzan]

I met several new people. A couple I shall not name were rogues met outside the city. They had no work nor word of any work. I suppose that's just as well. I don't know my way around well enough to smuggle much past the guards yet. Still, it is nice to know that the outcast folks can find work even in areas seemingly so settled and heavily policed.

A couple new people I met were Ferrit and Spider. I don't know much about Spider except that he likes turning into a kitten, but Ferrit is a crafter that belongs to the Angels. I also learned more about the Angels and what they do. Why didn't anyone tell me they declared themselves only in elven? I did not even read the elven sign, since I was seeking a human organization! It was right under my nose. It cost everything I had, but I bought a good longbow with just a bit (900 True) of credit. I wanted to buy several things, but everything I wanted (and need) costs more than I could raise. If oly they didn't have theft detection spells all over this blasted city! When a man needs things to survive, he should not have to wait upon the scant charity and limited judgments of others! This is the first time I have ever even considered stealing, but they have so much....

Stop! I must not think like that! It is the evil! The evil inside me is tempting me to do evil things. They helped me. They do not owe me anything. They worked hard making or buying those things. Now I have to raise more money and find a fletcher. I have oak arrow shafts and stirge feathers. They should make some excellent arrows for times of need. I have a few red goblin scout ears. I wonder what lieutenant Astork is paying for those? They were hard to get. He should pay well. Yes! There should be many ways I can raise money without harming those that helped me.

[Crizzan]

I have not written for some time. This is not good. The evil must be causing me to hide my thoughts.
Many things have happened. I met Samantha again. She was with many others. Of those many, I recognized very few, among them Timulty Keel. I have often hidden and watched him, as he seems widely accepted. Whatever he does differently from me, I cannot yet say, but people accept him where they do not accept me. Perhaps they sense the evil within me? If this is the case, I will never find acceptance from most. I keep it covered so that none might see it, yet still people seem to know. What am I to do?
While standing about amid such a crowd, we were attacked by vampires. I need no sense of right and wrong to know that such creatures are evil. Even those that so often aided me, forced ever to work by night, feared and loathed such creatures. I fired my bow with valor, though my heart trembled with fear, but it was all for nought. My arrows did nothing against such creatures.

Again, I met Samantha. Although she is small, she is pretty enough. Better yet, she is no elf. I have often feared I should be forced to remain celibate my entire life, but to marry such a woman would bear no danger of offspring to inherit my curse. She seems intent on finding a halfling man and seems unimpressed that I am no fighter... If this works not, there must be others like her in race... I shall not be doomed to life alone and lonely if I might find such a woman, although I doubt I should be attracted by a female dwarf...
All my efforts to make myself more acceptable to others seem doomed. Is there no escape fro my curse?

[Crizzan]

I met a young, over-enthusiastic but little skilled woman named Slip. Not only is she an elf, but she is headstrong, reckless, and pays little attention to suggestions. I tried to help her, but she nearly got us both killed. I think it better to avoid such a creature in the future unless there is great money available as the result. Even then, I will proceed with caution.

I learned a lesson, as well. I had the majority of my non-money wealth upon my ox. It was slain. The wealth was stolen. That was the result of many days of hard work. Now, it is gone. Worse, it included all the feathers I had collected for the making of oak arrows. Now, I once again need feathers in addition to the bronze for arrowheads.

Again, I suffer my curse. When that fog preceded the vampires, when hiding near a person that used magic, when a slimy creaure in the sewer cast a pell, even when using the magic helm I have for protection, I feel a tingling pain shudder through my body. This must be a warning that such things awaken the evil in me... unless... could this be the evil in me struggling against such things? I must learn more, but carefully...