Aerimor Lightbringer

[Aerimor]

*penned in a differant script than normal and then appears to be crossed out later*

How dare the old crone do this to me.  Make me an outcast?! I will show her, I will suck her eyes.....  *the scrawl abruptly stops*

*Aerimor's normal penmanship resumes*

I do not remember writting the above.  And its not in my scrawl, but i have no doubt I penned it.  This skin is a protent and dangerous foe.  Much quicker and stronger than the kobold.  I will be strained it seems to keep this one in check for the remainder of the trail.  I hope noone comes to visit!  I have reason to believe I took out this skins frustrations on those few unfortunate victims I could find...the animals of silk wood.  This is unacceptable... I go to meditate and challenge this skin's spirit for control.

~Aerimor

//Noone outside a town at all tonight that I could find and thus noone to RP with.  I decided to reflect the worriesvin my journal in place of interaction with non-exsistant people online.  Will checks of 1,4, and 17.

[Aerimor]

I am not sure if the trial is now officially over, or officially begun.  It appears I am very dense when it coms to speaking metaphorical symbols and solving puzzles continaing them.  What I did learn from my final test is that it is good to have friends.  Thank you Ella.  And that I need to remember to keep my heart open to the nature of which I serve.  I need to not take everythign on me myself.  While it is my life and thus my trials, nature is part of that, and me.  I must remember to not get so caught up in myself that I loose perspective.  I am worn from the ordeal, but things will soon be back to regularity, whatever that ends up being.  First I need to see if tere is anything that I missed of note, and then if there is anything I cna do to help Ver or Ella along.

~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

I feel great, like a weight has been lifted from me.  I feel I have direction again and a path to follow.  I have been reinvigorated.  I made a trip to Storan's crypt with a party and laid some undead to rest.  Went to red caves and spilt some goblin blood.  Gave a mum to Ms Dawnstar for being a mom.  Went to Ella's thinking place with her and taught her a few basic dances.  She did not grow up as an elf per se and I think it will help her find her balance, pun intended.  And then I studied more of the Can't from her.  We had both been so busy that our lessons were at temporary stand still.  But no longer.  Kalesh and I went out for a run and played together.  Went to Krashin for something to do and ran through battle in my panther form with Kalesh at my side.  All in all, life is good again.  I feel I have found my missing balance.  I was so turned in knots trying to find a direction, i was out of touch with the day to day.  But everything is brighter now that the trial is over and I have direction again.  

~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

Yes, I do say I am complete for the first time in a long time.  I feel the missing balance in my life.  The leaves are greener, the birds chirp sweeter.  It is like a dampner has been removed from my eyes and my soul.  I do not know what lies ahead for me on the path of the skinwalker, but the soulsearching I had to do while preparing has paid off many times over.

Kalesh and I are closer than ever before, I can understand and feel his thoughts and concerns, before it was differant.  Now its like we broadcast our emotions to each other.

I feel like I have a place for me in the world, not just that I was attempting to make one.  

I can even say Alatriel and my bond of friendship has strengthed. Heck even  Verideth is not as trying.  He too seems to be making peace with his life in Mistone.  I see he is opening up to Lasheriel, even though she is not of the true people.  I am afraid to look to deep, else the upbringing of my kind may spoil the pleasure.  But for now, I say bless them both.  She is an elf, that should be enough?

I favor my panther form more than any other at current.  Its like an old friend in itself, but everything it brighter and hapier.

As for my new companion, the form of the dragonwhelp.  I think I have finally come to terms on how to work with it.  The one thing my trial taught me was that these forms of a skinwalker have there own personalities and own darknesses of spirit.  I also learned that it is very difficult to keep the stronger personalities in check, let alone for long periods of time.  What I have been experimenting with, and successfully, is to let one thread of the form's personality leak through.  This seems to allow the form a way to chanel its personality without too much of it seeping through.  It also channels all of its spirit and personality into one point.  This makes it tremendously easier for me to be on my guard for influences from the form.  If I only have to keep aware of one emotion, the control is infinitely easier.  For instance the part of the dragon whelp form I have decided to allow to seep through is greed.  One can define a dragon in many ways, but the inate greed of the colored dragons is strong.  I find the form is sated if I allow the emotion of greed to seep through.  The form is appeased and I have no difficulty keeping the rest of the personality in check.  And I still can control it on matters of greed, but this is the only area where it presents any influence.  I think this may well work, I will have to continue to try it as I bulid my power to take on the more powerful forms, the ones with more sinister hearts and stronger wills.

All in all this have been a very enlightening and wonderful couple months.  I know peace that I have not felt since being a very young boy.  Well that is not entirely true, when I first met Kalesh.  

It is with happiness and balance in my heart that I conlude this entry.

~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

Wow not much has happened and yet the world has moved.  I am still happy and feel the balance inside like never before.  

Ella has stated that she has an interest in me but does not wish to rush anything.  I also find her very attractive, but will not risk the friendship.  So as things are there is just some coy flirting.  That pleases me for now.  I will need to sort out some issues before any relationship with a non sun elf could go anywhere.  I was raised to and am expected to marry a Sun Elf.  Just part of the culture of course.  Having my family's approval means a lot to me.  But at what cost?  I do not think I was, or at least i like to pretend I was never as racist as my people.  And since coming to Mistone, and starting this path as a skinwalker, I know I am not as judgmental based on skin.  However I also know I am still racist and I still hate Dark Elves, Driders, and the monsterous races.  I still strongly dislike gnomes and dwarves.  Nothing I am able to do about any of it at current except to try to keep an open mind and take what knowledge is offered each day for what it is worth.  Which brings me to the next earth shaker.

Verideth has decided to return to Voltrex.  I curse him in part and wish him fortunes with the rest.  He is unable to accept the multitude of races here, especially any dark elf.  He is also less than pleased with the drudic presence on Mistone and wishes to return to a stronger counsel.  Now on the part I cheer for him.  He is taking the wood elf, Leshariel with him.  They have been together for a long many weeks now and he clearly likes her.  But he has kept her at distance, because of her race.  He admitted to me that he loved her and then said he was going to take her home to meet father.  There is no happy ending in that.  I just hope to neither lose a brother nor father out of it.  Most likely Father will disown him and Leshariel and he will move to another part of Voltrex and attempt to live happily ever after.

I wish Ver well for my own interests too.  If there is some way Father can accept he desires and his feelings for a non Sun Elf.  Maybe he could do the same for me, if my heart went for another.  While Mistone has many races, there are painfully few Sun Elves.  I must either return to Voltrex, turn celibate or embrace the possibilities of a non Sun Elf.  I think my heart is willing to do the last, but my mind is yet resolute against it.  So I keep living one day at a time and am hopeful the heart may wear away the minds resolve.  As for returning to Voltrex, I can not yet.  As I said I have found balance within myself and am as happy as I can ever remember.  My days in Mistone are not yet through.

I will miss Verideth and do hope for his happiness and success.  Even if his leaving was very rash and cowardly.

~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

It still has not settled in that Ver is no longer around.   Think I am avoiding it on purpose and been side tracked by events.

Elohanna Dawnstar is being hunted by her church.  From what I can piece together, she and Jaelle took a powerful Urn and the church wants it back.  I have to assume it is in relation to Laura, maybe its a source of her power, or a source for more power.  In any case Ms Elly is on the run and Ella found Elly's children left alone.  Ella and I have been sitting the kids ever since, a few weeks now.  The children are fine, but miss there mother.  Nemo is shell shocked, but will be fine.  When I was out gathering supplies a member of Elly's church came calling and found Ella alone with the children and demanded to know where Elly was.  Lightseeker was very rude and demanding.  I came home after his inquires had been going on for a while.  I asked him to step out and spoke with him; he was not beyound reason.  I told him I did not have any idea where Ms. Elly was and would tell Ms Elly that she should turn herself in.

A couple days later Shiff had his meeting on Laura.  What a waste, he wanted everyone to do nothing.  A lot of help that is.  Lightseeker and a Toranite ..Anne where at the meeting and both got mad and left.  I can't blame them.  Brian and Shiff both wanted to reform Laura.  Whatever, if she is a vampire, the best way to reform her is to return her to the balance.

A few days later word got back to me that Brian was planning to assassinate Lightseeker, I could not abide that.  I went to the temple, found Lightseeker and let him in on the threat.  I am sure this will come back to haunt me and Brian will find out.  But it would not have helped Elly's cause, the children's situation and it is just cowardly and wrong.  If he challenged him to a duel...I can rest my morales, but I can't knowing allow such a cowardly act on a man duing his lawful duty.  Lightseeker was much mellower and calmer at this meeting, even towards Ella.  Makes me think he was just trying high pressure tactics to get information.  Sounds like a solid tactic.

Ella and I being forced into a house together playing parents for this many weeks has forced us to consider doing more than playing the part.  I think it has now went from mostly flirting to to something with a potential future.  This means trouble for me.  Guess I will have to face my upbringing and see if I can be happy failing my culture, my line of pure blood and the possible line of the Lightbringer name.  All for my possible happiness.  I often know that we sun elves heap too much onto ourselves and restrict our ability to just do what is right for the sake of tradition.  All the additional time has allowed many addtional lessons of the Cant.  We have been using it to speak about Ms. Elly in frotn fo the kids without upsetting them.  I admit I miss out lessons by the Haven lake.

Well I think its time to become my 'Kitty' self and chase the boys around the house.  Since they do not get out as much as anyone would like, its the best exercise they get.  And its a lot of fun.

`Aerimor

[Aerimor]

Things appear to be back to normal with Ms Dawnstar..thank goodness.  

Things with Ella have gotten past friendship.  If she was a Sun Elf, I'd have pushed for more of a relationship than friendship months ago.  But as it stands I still wish to try for more.  I am afraid of what my parents will say, and if they will disown me.  But it is what it is.  I am not being truthful with myself if I do not see what can become of it.  I find her very attractive on every level other than that she is not a Sun Elf, from her sense or humor to her self-reliance, to her sparkling eyes and innocence.  I plan to make a short trip home to my parents and at least let them know what is happening.  I can also check up on Verideth.  Who knows maybe they will surprise me and not straight off disown me?  I am afraid if they do, that is the last straw for the traditions of my people.  The core of it is so just and right.  But the centuries of tradition and supremicist views have taken it off course.  I always thought I believed as my people do becuase I was taught to.  But the more I find answers within myself and view the world through other eyes, the more I find that for every good thing I was taught, there are five things that are nonsense.

I feel I am on the verge of a major change on how I look at things and people.  Have i been too harsh on the other lesser racs of elves? Yes I think so.  Have I been to hard on the other lesser races?  At times, but I still think I have them with correct perspective.

On second issue I was in town, Hempstead the other day and a Noble? of the City made rude comments about Ella.  So I mimicked Ella's actions and of course the Noble turned on me.  She claims she is from Voltrex.  If so it was long ago because she has lost view of her elven heritage and appreciation for life.  She is a petty, mean old witch.  We had a few verbale sparring rounds where she said I was a disgrace and I told her she was not an elf any longer and should look inside and find the truth of my statements.  The Lady then called Trent over and accused me of trying to rob her and insulting her.  I told Trent I'd go with him, that her accusation of theft was a bold faced lie and as far as the insults went, well the truth is the truth and she didnt like what I had to say.  Trent walked me out of sight and told me to stay out of sight that the Lady was a viscious woman.  A few minutes later Trent came back and told me that the 'charges' were dropped.  The Lady then was obviously pressured into apologising to me.  She came over reluctantly and told me in half terms she was sorry and offered to buy me off with coin.  I told her it was nothing personal and that if she needed help finding the old ways and appreciating life I'd help.

That's the last I remember, I was talking to her, and she was speaking to me and then I was walking repeatedly into an alley corner.  I think after reflection and conversation with Ella, who was close by, that the wench cast something on me, had something cast on my by some unknown mage or touched me with a magic item.  With money any of those three options could of been true.  But one way or the other she was responsible, even if it was a friend of hers acting on their own accord.  I went to Trent, again.  I told him that I thought a friend of the Lady's cast soemthing on me.  He asked me if I had been drinking.  And then when that failed said that I was making serious accusations about the Lady.  Since I mentioned her friends and not her, I took that to mean, shut up and walk away.  That if I pursued it without a lot more evidence and powerful allies he'd reluctantly toss me in jail or out of the city.  So I was ready to leave when Ella started into him told him he was a lousy guard, that the city laws were  ...  I grabbed Ella and escorted her out of town before Trent was forced to take action.  I will not say Trent is a good person by any stretch but I also do not belive him to be an evil one.  He did give me answers even if he would not say anything broadfaced.  This just goes to show how corrupt Human cities are, this is their pride and joy of a city and it's run and controlled out of the pockets of the nobles.

I have more to say, and I may write it later, but time is short.

~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

I am now returning from Voltrex and am worn and tired.  The visit was not a great one but I guess went as well as could be expected.  My parents spent a few days trying to talk me out of a relationship with a non Sun Elf.  After they finally gave up on that, they decided to say I was very young and it was acceptable to have a physical relationship with a Wild Elf as long as I realise my duty and pick a suitable mate afterwards.  I told them I had no intentions of entering into any relationship if I was not prepared for it to be a permenant one.  I of course do not know that a relationship with Alatriel will be a successful one, that we will end up returning to just being friends, or that things will go sour.  But I assured my parents I every intention of seeing this relationship to whatever path it followed.  That was the final straw for my Father, he told me to leave, that when sense returned to my head, I knew where to find him.  I could tell he was torn between his love of his son and his love and expectation of tradition.  I think he will eventually come around and very grudingly accept this, but refuse to speak about it.  I do not think I have spent my last visit under my parents roof.  But only time will tell.  I am glad to have the ordeal over.  At least the unknown is not hanging over my head.  Now when this ship arrives back in Mistone at least I will be able to see Ella and speak without reservation from my heart.

~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

Well to say Ella was glad for my return was an understatment.  I think she was as fearful of the results with my parents and I was.  It was obvious to us both that even though we spoke no words, that our relationship was obviously and enjoyably changed from that moment on. We may not know the course our relationship will now take, but the fear has been removed and we will enjoy the path on the way.  

The next day was very enjoyable, we spent the day at the crossroads fishing and flirting.  The night that followed was likewise enjoyable, enjoying the each others company as we spent the night under the stars. The following day things were much back to normal, gathering aloe and greenies.  But each day is brighter for the company and companionship of an exciting and warm friend.  And I look forward to each new day with a fervent enjoyment of life.  I have never felt so in touch with the land around.  I do not know if I would have been ready for this step with Ella if not for the test of the skinwalker.  I am now doubly thankful and sure of this path.  I have my renewed inner peace and conection with the force of life around me.  I also now have love with a friend that I may a few months previously only turned a blind traditional eye of my people towards before.

The only thing remaining for me now is to find a way to put this zeal of life to work for the great oak. I will have to try to find a course when I am not pleasantly distracted.

~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

Sometimes it is ask and recieve. I was fortunate enough to meet the Heirphant last night.  He is as I imagined, but he is also more.  Rhizome is a character, and very worthy of the title he wears.  Unlike kings and most rulers their is no pomp and circumstance with him, he speaks as an equal.  His force of personality lends as much weight as any ruler I have ever met.  I can not discribe that authority with which he speaks.  It is obvious he has the wisdom of ages and yet remains in touch with those around him.  I think the thing I appreciated the most about him was is obvious appeciation and enjoyment for life.  A lady friend of his accompanied him, Muireann, and watching the two interact was a pleasure.  It makes my heart smile, so very similiar to the feeling when Ella and I share our playful moments.

In any case, he asked what he could do for me, and when I made it known that I was a skinwalker he went a step further and told me if I ever had trouble on that paths to seek him out.  That he has seen such struggles before and could help me along the challenges.  I told him I was seeking an opportunity to do as my calling of a druid demands and serve the land and animals around me.  He asked if I needed anything and asked why I did not just proceed.  I explained that since I arrived in Mistone and contacted those druids that would speak I was told to simply tend the farm and nature, destroy abominations and await for further instructions and I reluctantly was doing so.  Rhizome told me that that message was foolish and joked he hoped it was not from him.  That I had the blessing of the Heirophant to identify the problems as I saw them and come up with a plan of action for them.  He then told me that when I came up with a course of action that I could then call for him again and he would look it over.  He said he would then see to it that I had the resources needed to follow them through.  He also said that I should look towards the allies I already have.  I will have to consider what allies I do have when I come up with a plan of action.  I know Ella will be with me whatever I choose.  And I am sure Elgon would lend aid.  I think the rest may well depend on what is planned and at stake.

Before he departed he asked once again if there was anything I needed to start me on my way.  I at first said no there was not, but I then thought of a mundane request.  I had just that week bought a necklace of resistance and was coming to value its protective aura, but was unable to wear it with my symbol of the Great Oak.  I knew there was a spell to infuse a mundane amulet with the power of a holy symbol.  I knew there would be no better person to perform such a ritual than The Heriophant and I made it known.  He seemed to not find it a foolish request at all and performed the ritual.  When he was done I could feel the amulet had become a conduit to the life around me and would serve me well.

There is much more I would say, but most of it is hard to put into words.  I am very glad for the well timed meeting.  I now have had the restrictions placed on me removed and have been set into action by the Great Oak itself.  I am excited about what the future brings on almost every front now.  My greatest challenge now will be to remain in balance and to not neglect any of the facets of my life.  

`Aerimor

[Aerimor]

Well will wonders never cease? Iradril is a damnable dark elf! Ella found out mostly through accident and told me later.  As fate would have it, Ella and I ran into him in the crafters hall a couple days later, and we three had a long discussion.  I cannot say I believe a thing he said for for now, I'll go with the relevant points.  Iradril's statements and case is that is is unlike his kin.  That he fights for good, that he can name allies such as Rhizome and a gold dragon.  He claims to have fought in many battles for good including helping the great oak.  He claims he never lied.  He claims he is a legal occupant of Hempstead (like that means much as corrupt as they are) and he only hides his appearence for the sake fo others.

I contended that he is a liar.  That in failing to tell Ella or me his truth, that he was indead lying by omission and purposeful deception.  I told him I have walked as a dark elf and know their vile evil heart.  I told him that he is a time bomb waiting to go off and hurt or destroy those around him and those things he claims he fights for.  I told him I knew the battle with the dark elf heart and he was a danger to all.  I told him we have a right to know him as a dark elf so we can decide if its worth the risk of associating him.  Just a couple weeks ago a dark elf assassin killed my party for unknown reasons.  For all anyone knows it was to get information about Iradril.  In the end after a long exchange he admited I knew as much about the dark elf heart as he did, he never refuted being a danger to those he was around and those things he cares about.  I told him I would not choose to associate with him.  If I was forced to side with him for a short solid goal, I could for the greater good, but I would never spend one moment longer.  I was too kind.  I wished him a noble death in battle of those noble beliefs he professes he has before he ended up betraying them.  I even went so far as to tell him I did not hate him for his situation or deception, that I only pitied his existance.  He had no words of response, it is obvious he knows I speak truth of his condition:  that one day sooner or later the heart he may have so valiantly fought against will win its day, and in that one moment of weakness, everything he ever accomplished will be undone.  It is truly a sad thing...evil that knows it is evil and can do nothing about its nature.

This is of course is only if the whole thing is not a sham.  I do not know why but I do believe parts of it.  But I do believe it enough that if he asked for me to end his torture I would perform that coup de grace.  If he is as he says all I can do is hope he takes my advice, finds a noble fight and goes down in a blaze of glory.  He manages to come to such a noble end, I will do him an honor no dark elf ever deserved, I will give him an elven burial.  Of course it will be on Mistone, I have nto lose all my senses.

I wonder if Ella sensed my weakness of resolve on dealing with Iradril?  I hope not, I tried not to show compassion for such an abomination.  But I must admit to myself, I did think fondly of him before I found out his true nature.  This is a very sad thing, I just pray he does the noble thing and removes the threat he represents to everyone and everything he claims to care for.

The only other thing of note, besides that Ella and I have spent as much time together as any two fools in love, is a party into the red lights.  Ella, myself, Ben and a few others quested to the bottom of red lights and removed yet another leader of the goblins.  On the way back out we ran into another small party.  One of the members a Tomi whatever started 'speaking' to Ben in the Cant.  I was actually able to follow it to some degree of success.  After the two parties split, I questioned Ella on wether I followed the main flow of the conversation.  Ben overheard and freaked out as he is so prone to do in his old human years.  He was outraged that I was able to understand his secret language.  I think that was the great offense.  But his voiced protest was that I would somehow magically betray the whole language to those that would destroy those who spoke it.  Ella actually defended me before I had to.  She told him that if he expected to be taught the Elven tongue, which she was already teaching him, that he would have no problem with me learning his secret cant.  Ben in his usual manner ended with a flurry of complaints and conceded it was acceptable as long as I was careful and that I better be or members of the sect would gut me from navel to chin.  That human just likes to worry and complain too much.  I wonder how he was when he was young.  He actually is most likely more mellow now, but his has his moment of blatant orneriness.  In any case, Ella said I did correctly follow the meaning of the conversation even if I had a long way to go to perfecting it.

~Aer

[Aerimor]

I have not written in a while and lot has happened, but as most of it is minor I'll just hit the real three topics.

I went with a party of adventurers I met in Leringard to put down a insect menace.  Some Elven lady has made concoctions to transform insects into monsters.  Highly agressive, some as big as houses and all unatural.  The strain it put on the woods near Leringard is tremendous. Very few animals were still seen in the woods, the rest in hiding or forced to move elsewhere.  After fightning through waves of mosquitos, bettles, wasps, grubs, and centipedes we arrived deep in the woods near a river and found a house.  As well as some house-sized electric beetles and half insect/ half humaniod creatures.  The party had some difficulty crossing the river due to giant leeches.  And when the party threw in large quantities of salt, which I would normally detest as well, and tried to cross in mass, the insect people attacked.  Aeronn, Marcus and Aesthir fell in that battle but there were still eight of us to carry on and later carry them back.  That gods-cursed dwarf Bruener kicked in the front door of the house first thing, which was trapped and everyone was sent flying or worse.  He survived it unfortunately.  Caerwyn found a box of vials: the source of the transmutation I'd bet.  Timulty took them later to have them identified and destroyed.  I will have to check up on that.  The one other thing of use on the door was a note form the bug lady saying she was out in Leringard picking up supplies.  We located her in the merchant district, where she was expecting us.  She is not very worldly for the record, she let Timulty talk circles around her.  Anyway, came to the end and she decided she'd rather not be killed or turned over to the law and left.  Of course she had some giant ants cover her departure.  So what is the real fallout? We set the balance more or less back to normal in the woods, ran her out of the area, destroyed months of work and let her get free to do it all over again!  This really upset me, made me angry.  That night when I went into reverie to relive the event and see what could of been differant, I felt a diferant branch of the skin walking tree open to me.  

It seems that my high level of anger was actually a good conduit to a few forms. I can now shift into Gargoyle, Harpy and Minotaur.  And those thread of their personalities I wrote of before that helps me maintain reigns on the evil force of the form.  Gargoyle's thread for me is in anger.  Anger is what allows me to bring on the transformation.  Bloodlust, anger's little cousin, is the thread to Harpy.  And also fittingly enough battlerage is the thread I use for Minotaur.  I think this pleases me, for I have experimented with the new skins and I remain in almost absolute control.  But I do touch the threads while in those forms, so I believe in the wrong circumstance I may find myself more open to anger, bloodlust, and battlerage correspondingly.  I mean, its not a big deal if while in wyrmling skin I become more greedy, at worse that should start an argument and I can have enough time to revert to myself.  But in the heat of the moment these newest forms are more dangerous, an impulse could lead to an axe swing at a party member.  I will have to be careful with these until I find my and their extents.  But for now they are very useful tools for my fights against the unbalanced and abominations.  If I had this gargoyle form only a day before I could have shrugged off all but the house-sized beetles bites.  Everything has a time and place, and this was obviously the time for the transformation, I will not lament it further.


My last noteworthy entry is Verideth has returned to Mistone.  Aparently the further he pressed himself into the Arcane studies the weaker his bond with the land became.  Even for duty and tradition he could not make that sacrifice.  So I am sure he had a round or two with the folks and returned to my side.  He knows I know exactly what it is like.  Its seems he and Leshariel became sperated while he was in Voltrex and he is unable to find her again.  He has tried her home and a few other favorite places of hers.  I have helped him where I can, but I think something went wrong or sour.  I shared with him the news that Ella and I were together and he was shocked, but not condemning.  For Verideth I will take that as acceptance.  Things remain beautiful with Ella, we complement each other in so many ways, from the battle field, to our ways of looking at things.  Her heart is definitely more noble and good than mine.  She always has to save the wounded, spare the repentent and sooth the child.  While I would not act in the same manner, I find it very appealing.  That she can care for others at such a fundamental level.  While my views focus on the cycle, on caring for nature (and nature can be cruel), and on treating others with respect.  Sometimes sacrificing must be made for the greater good, if a few families must die by creature attacks for a town to get the message to stop over hunting or logging, than is a worth while price.  If I myself must face the soul mother to weed out an infestation, then I gladly pay it.  Which, for the record I did while clearing out the hallowlight forest, darn assassin vines earn their name!  I do not suppose she will ever change me really and I hope I never remove her bright outlook on the world, for I think it is that almost innocent belief in good that I find most attractive.  In the begining I was taking Cant lessons from her only for the excuse to spend more time with her, to figure her out and appreciate the company.  But I must say somewhere in all the lessons and my only desire to accomplish challenges put before me...and to impress her to some level... I have become a fair hand at this Cant.  The problem with the language is that there are no words and the same action can mean fifty different things depending on the angle performed and what preceeds and anteceeds it.  But I can understand it when others sign now at a reasonable level of competence and when I begin sending the signs I am begining to have some success myself.

~Aer

[Aerimor]

These new forms take a toll on me.  I do find myself more on edge or easier to make made after I have been in them for a while.  I spent yesterday running aroung as a panther to just have enjoyment and peace of mind.  I found out that my conection with my animal forms is stronger as well.  This is a great boon, I may switch out using them in combat to ease the wear on my mind form the taxing tolls of the evil in nature forms.  Now with that said, I have had no loss of control with the new forms....well I have charged off into the next wave when it was not the most prudent, but no actions against myself, nature or my companions.  This idea of threading one part of the form into myself when I trasform is genious, it seem to make all he differance.  What is a little detox afterwards?

My realtionship with Ella is exceptional, she is a great match to my personality.  Granted we do not see eye to eye on, well, a lot of things, but I like that.  It keeps perspective and I find it exhilerating.  I am glad I did not let tradtion stand in the way of happiness.  I wonder what else my people have gone astray on over the centuries?

Ben is almost becomming likable.  Even if he is becomming an old complainer.  I think that is what makes him happy.  I am really begning to understand the interactions of Cant between Ben and Ella when they use it without asking.  I still have many weeks of practicing before I can make my intentions as easily understood without words.  If it was not Dark Elven in nature I'd be most interested in learning their hand sign.  But I can not think of any use to warrant justifying anything they have done.

I am becoming something of a tailor.  If I keep with it, I may become somewhat of a master.  I do think I have learned about all there is to learn form making bandages however.

~Aer

[Aerimor]

I really should learn to write more often, sometimes so much happens between entries.

I attened the raffle ended up winning a flag of might, a diamond bulls necklace and a scroll.  I was then told by Lin'da post fact that items can not be sold.  And then after the auction was over and I posted to trade it she had the nerve to slander me in public.  That is one Sun Elf that has lost touch with our ways.  And that is from someone doubting many of our ways!

I held my attempt at a meeting for druids, only a few showed.  Pallena, Elgon, Ver, and a shifter! named Coyote.  We ended up clearing out Storan's but much more importantly I was able to ask him questions about being a Shifter.  He is much further along the path.  He says that you must just be strong of soul and dominate the forms.  I admit I am afraid to try this after my expeirences with the Dark Elf and Drider forms during my testing period.  I have felt their evil touch and I am afraid to loss a confrontation with those forms.  I will need to meditate on this and see if I am ready for the risk.  Obviously it works for him, but that leaves me with no promises for myself.  Also of note is the fact I do find myself easier to anger or just more volital.  I feel Ella notices it too.  This of course leads credence to Coyotes way, if I do succeed by his ways, there is no given attrition to the forms, thus no side effects.

I have been avoiding prolonged use of my forms while I make my choice of how to proceed.  And I have found that the form of the bear is a great tool in battle.  I am at the moment at least in love with its combat effectivness.  Of course my main love remains that of the panther.

This is a very confusing time for me all in all.  I wonder if I would suceed in an attempt to simply dominate my forms.  If there was a measuring stick or a way to practice more I would gladly use them.  But this path was never so clearly defined.

I met a man by the name of Marec, and he interests me.  He is a monk and has some unique personal codes.  We see eye to eye on most things and I find his dedication to his fighting style in a way similar to my dedication to my animal forms.  I find his focus of will power and thought in battle similiar to my battle to control my forms.  If my will power is great enough, I can control my forms as easily as he does his fighting styles.  In any case, I enjoy his company although he did profess he is a Toranite and that worries me.

`Aerimor

[Aerimor]

A farmer had a problem with missing livestock and a few adventurers decided to help.  The short of it, was that there was a child inflicted with lycanthropy responsible.  After much ado, we found the child in his own skin and Ella took on the role of mother.  She took the part to heart, and I swear her good deeds will one day be the death of her.  But whose heart would not have melted seeing her with that child?  We eventually tracked down an "expert" in the field in the Great Library.  He was able to put the boy/creature into a stasis and took the boy away...  It was so that somehow the boy could be used to kill his sire.  Apparently the silver back sire is a powerful and ancient werewolf.  I admit, I would like to see such a threat to balance put to earth.  Ella of course would not leave the child and after the expert saw that that was how things were, he agreed to take her along as the child's advocate.  I do not know where they are or if she is okay.  I can only pray for a swift and safe return.

And now if I run into Elgon I will be forced to contend with him without Ella's lead.  The two had a falling out.  This pains me more than any simple child creature could.  From what Ella told me, Jaelle...surprise surprise.... is the catalyst if not the reason.  Apparently Raz and her concieved a child... poor dumb fool... and Jaelle won't tell Raz.  And Raz doesn't know.  And the two had a fight and parting of way.  And Ella went to advocate on Raz's behalf...once again the good heart of her getting her into trouble and places where she does not belong... and Jaelle lost control and began sobbing.  Then my lost brother, Elgon, tried to turn it on Ella.  Telling her she was cruel and mean-hearted.  Boy is he off on this one.  Ella seems to think he is smitten with Jaelle as well and prefers her weak and in his comforting arm.  I do hope she is wrong,  but I have always named his two weakness that I have seen.  Too much compassion for the damned dark elves and too much time spent with Jaelle.  Nothing good can be gained from spending that much time with that *explative.*  I do not know if she is evil or just stupid and selfish, but it is clear she cares only about herself and anyone that thinks different will get burned.  While I have never cared overly for Raz, I do pity him in this.  He is just a fool.  Just on second thought I remove my pity.  His  views and lifestyle directly led to this.  A firm example of reaping what one sows.   I just hope Elgon is not on the same tainted path.  I hope Ella and he can come to terms, it will make it easier for me to see if he is open to reexamining his situation with Jaelle.  And the dark elves and the poison they represent to us all.  Hopefully he will listen to the call and realize that his attack and rebuffing of Ella is a clear sign of the insidious taint that is Jaelle.

In fact I was in the advanced crafting hall in Hempstead two nights ago and there was Jaelle, carrying another man's child, laughing and carrying on with some other poor sap.  I guess she got over her life shattering grief.  Or Elgon's embrace is that of a great healer.  I wonder if she carries the child and when she becomes round with it, if it will even slow her escapades with her slew of 'admirers.'  I think I will try to watch this hyper-drama unfold from the edges and see if I can find it enjoyable.  Somehow I doubt I'll see anything but the waste and betrayal, but I'll see.  Maybe I'll catch one of these grief moments and judge her performance for myself.  And see just how foolish people are.

I miss Alatriel.  I do hope she returns soon.

I still shy away from my forms, stealing their skins only when I am in need.  I need to find a time to have this challenge of will.  But I will wait until Ella returns.  I feel to attempt it with a weakened heart would be a fools action.

I had a fight and a make-up with my brother.  I think we needed to have our harsh words so things can get back on track.  It appears that it is official he is over Leshariel and now officially with Sun.  He refused to accept Ella, but he freely goes from one non Sun Elf to another.  I said as much in our fight.  I believe he worries about my skin walker path as well.

The other other item of note I can mention is that I keep adventuring with Marec and find I like the man.  He has a strong sense of honor and acts with thought.  Traits that are not all too common in this land.  I also admit I enjoy watching him in combat.  He is another of those that fights with their hands and discipline.  I still attempt to put some of his techinque into practice in my animal forms.  His techniques are powerful with only his strength and speed behind them. With the strength of the bear or the speed of the panther, they would be devastating.  I will have to work on this in my spare time, when things are not so hectic.  Or see if he'd be opposed to helping me to translate what he does into a similar style designed for animal forms.

My heart longs for a meeting under the stars the way my people gather at home.  When Ella returns, I think I will hold one for just the two of us.  Show her more of what it is to be an elf and remind myself as well.  It will not be the same without the elven music, but we will still make it work.

~Aer

[Aerimor]

Blast Elgon and Jaelle to the hells.  Ella returned for a brief visit again, she still cares for the werewolf.  I am coming unraveled.

Ran into Elgon and Verideth after meeting Ella.  Elgon said he did not owe Ella an apology.  I told Elgon what I thought of that.  Told him Jaelle is a chaotic abuser, that she can not help but use and discard. That he is a brother, even though his blood is not pure.  In anger, I tried to pull him into a confrontation, first with words and then in action.  He stayed his weapons but engaged me with words.  I think the anger is bleeding into my soul, I have difficulties telling anymore.  I miss Ella.  I use her for my moral compass. Even if I disagree with her wasted efforts to save everyone in trouble, I find it refreshing and a steady point to look at myself.  

I know I am coming apart, I've died twice recently and both times the soul mother took her price.  I have never even glimpsed her before, so strong in the ways of nature and balance I was.  No, since speaking with Coyote, my confidence is shot.  I now know I am not following my path the right way and I'm afraid to challenge the will of the forms in a battle for keeps.  I will have to.  I am losing by trying to stay in stalemate.  But I can not gather myself without first speaking with Ella.  I need her in my corner.

I know I said some very harsh things to Elgon, out of anger.  But I also know, I truely felt them.  He is conned by the wench Jaelle, and he is duped by the dark elf, Iradril.  For all his good traits the blasted half-man can not judge character. He is as bad as Ella.  Both of them thinking everyone deserves a second chance and that they can be saved.  Bloody big-hearted fools.  And darn my own eyes, I love them both.

I can not deal with it at the present.  If I begin another argument with Elgon, I may totally lose it.  I may have to hunt down his mistress and relieve her for her own life force.  

Ella left and both Elgon and I helped Ver collect sapphires.  Noone talked and Elgon kept trying to get himself killed.  He came close enough once, that I was forced to break off my battle and rush to his side.  We both almost died from his death wish.  We managed to keep it together, collect sapphires and leave.  As we were sneaking through enemy land, I shifted to my whelp form....my safe form.  Well my only non-natural form that was safe.  Not any longer, as I was following the other two through a group of worg riders, I caught sight of a necklace one of the filthy creatures wore.  And I lost it, the dragon greed took over and I snatched it and ran.  The rider quickly caught me and.... my second visit with the soul mother.  I can no longer trust any of my skins.  I must remain with my natural forms until I can regroup and have my battle for control.

I hope Ella returns soon, I do not know how much longer I can keep it together with no one to speak my heart with.  I could talk to Ver, but he has been judging my path for too long now.  I think I will remain in my animal forms as often as I can, everything is right, peaceful and in harmony when I walk as the cat or bear.  I only need to hold out for a while longer, I know I can still manage that.  But I could seriously use help finding an inner balance, aligning my energies or building my discipline.

Who else can I turn to?  Rhizome made an offer, but he is impossible to get in touch with.  Coyote, but I think he will not understand, and thus be a detriment.  Blast, I have no one of my belief, no druidic brothers to turn to.  It will have to be Ella.  I do not know who else could help me.  But I do think it will be a battle I am forced to wage on my own.

~Aerimor

I am sorry Elgon, but even if I spoke with anger, I did so from convictions and with your welfare in mind.

If something happens before I am able to speak with you Ella.  I here and now intend to speak with you.  And you are my heart and my morale guide.  I love and miss you.

[Aerimor]

*Ths entry is broken, sloppy and filled with more errors than normal, but returns to a more normal appreance towards the end.*

Things continue to get worse.

I snapped at Ella when I last saw her, and I know she is under great stress.

I have been battling the voices of my skins for the last four days.  We have battled to a stand still and I grow weary.  I must rest before I continue this battle of wills.

Every trouble in my life, they bring before me in searing agony.  My recent fight with my brother.  My parents refusing to accept Ella because she is not a Sun Elf.  My blow out with Elgon.  My short temper. My inability to find the path of the skin walker.  My relecutance to accept Zain as Ella's child. My current inability to truely accept Zain into my heart because he is human.  My verbal acceptance of Zain as my child and thus assured disownment from my parents.  My fights with Ella over nothing other then their whispers.  The look in Ella's eyes when she told me I was worthless until I got this under control.  The last image is the one I can not yet defeat in my battle for domination with the voices of my dark path.  I am so exhausted.  But I know if I give up now, next time will be worse, so I press on.  I write this now, to log events in case of the worse.  And I will sleep when I am done.  Yes, I will sleep, I know I can not reach reverie in my current state, they would bring the fight to me there with my guard down.  

So far I have fought my battle from my beliefs of balance, cycle and nature.  I know these forms have their place in our world, and I know they serve balance.  They are each useful and with purpose.  But if my hand can direct theirs, they become great weapons for nature.  It is this strong belief and connection to the subtle song that all things sing, that I draw my stamina and conviction to continue this battle.  When I have been forced to rest, I have done so in the cloak of my panther form.  The voice have yet to breach me there.  I know my battle would have already been lost if not for my bond with the Great Oak.  But if I am going to take the battle to those voices and secure my victory I must do more.

I must find better weapons and weild them justly.  I must find more will and fight harder.  I must win this battle and soon.  I know Ella is right, I know she carries our son.  After holding little Fianon, my heart sings that I have a son as well.  I must win this little war and quickly.  Ella needs me, and my son needs me.  I can only imagine Ella's stress form the werewolf trials and my own temporary fall.  The stress can not be good for either of them.  No I will win this battle before I next lay my head down. And I will go home to see them both.

Yes, I can see the end.  I can see Ella and I together, laughing and playing with our baby boy.  Yes, I see victory over this temporary trial.  I see where to draw my strength from.  I will next fight for the three of us as well.  When I write again, it will be again as Aerimor, love of Alatriel and father.

This is what I needed.  I am again focused.  I know how to will this battle for myself, for Ella and for our son.  I will now take a brief respite as a panther, and when I next awake.  The voices will know defeat, I come for them with no fears, only victory in my heart.

~A

[Aerimor]

//This is a player account of events as the character is currently unable to keep a journal in any form.  When he is up to speed, his journals will resume from there.  Until then I'll keep events as they may be pertentiant to role play and CDQs.  The average roll for will check for the entire ordeal was a 4 if you take out three high rolls.  Aerimor was more aggressive than I intended *shrugs*//



Aer woke up from his respite to the sounds of a messenger bird.  Elgon had sent a message claiming Ella needed help now.

Aer met with Elgon and Ella, to discover that she had miscarried their child.  Rage began to build from beyond the door where the voices live.  He had not concluded his battle for control with the shifter forms.

The three went to Ellohanna's to seek help and discovered no one home.  Ella charged Elgon with gathering a group to save their other son that they intended to adopt, the Werewolf, Zain.  Elgon departed.

After comforting her as much as he was able, Ella said she had to return to Zain, that he needed her.  Aer admitted he had not concluded the battle for control and even now the voices we preparing to bring the battle to him.

Once Ella left, Aer turned inward to do battle with the shifter forms out of necessity.  He'd of preferred to put it off, but they had already passed the line of demarcation.

Aer stumbled upon Ellohanna.  Elly tried to find out what was wrong and Aer snapped at her asking her where she was now that Ella needed help.  That she was always there for Elly when the roles were reversed.

As Elly was trying to sooth Aer and the beasts within.  Jaelle crossed their path.  Aer flipped out blaming her for Ella and his fallout with Elgon and through slippery slope, the loss of their child.  Jaelle never backing down turned his venom back with outrage.  Aer lost all control and surrendered to the voice of rage.  Once the Minotaur form took the reigns Aer chased Jaelle down ignoring the pleas from Elly.

Elly attempted to dissuade Aer with magics of pain and control with no effect.  Jaelle attempted to turn his attacks and then to protect herself.  Aer finally caught Jaelle and left her body where it lay.  Elly caught by shock fired off a few more spells and removed the small part of Aerimor that was keeping her from becoming a target.  After Aer cleaved Elly asunder, he managed to surface his will through grief and disbelief to take control of his body shedding that of the Minotaur.  Arkenon in outrage from seeing Elly killed blind-sided Aer in his elven skin.  Now pure anger poured through and the Gargoyle came to surface.  After a long fight and heavily wounds from the previous fights, The Gargoyle was slain and Aer along with it.

Aer's soul was whisked away to Hlint.  As his body form, it took the shape of his old friend, the panther.  Aer ran to his place of solitude and fell to the voices in his head.  

Verideth (Aer's brother) tracked Aer down and carried his panther form to Voltrex by the fastest means possible, the portal in Blackford.

Once taken through the portal Ella managed to catch up with Ver and beg Aer's body from him.  Ver left at a loss of what to do and Ella drug Aer back to Blackford castle.

Unable to rouse or move him Ella left and returned with Elly.

Aer remained locked in battle with the forms in his mind and was managing to hold a stalemate in his fortress that was his panther form.

Elgon arrived in rage and demanded Aer's blood.  The ladies shielded Aer and tried to turn him away.  Elgon spoke in fury that just because Aer lost a child, that does not give him the right to kill another.  The part of Aer's mind that remained, heard Elgon's rage and words and still took Elgon at his word.

Aer ceased his 'useless' fighting reverted to his elven form and was quickly swept away from all but the corners of his own mind.  Aer's body ceased its breathing and waited for the inevitable.

Ella noticed and made her most heart wrenching plea of not being left alone.  The diligent and honor bound parts that remained of Aer pulled for control, and made their plea that Ella keep her word and end his pain and the pain he'd cause others.  Ella refused and Aer expended that last will he had and forced one last change to panther.

Aer fell into quiet unconsciousness and was taken by Elgon, Ella and Elly to Elly's house.  He was left to rest and his body finally recovered.  Elgon long gone.  Aer regained consciousness and began his life as a panther.  What remains of Aer remains locked away in one corner of his mind and the shifter's voices in the other.  The panther prowls the middle keeping guard while Aer's mentality remains hidden and wallowing.

Aer's body and almost his entire mind remains that of a large and playful panther.  Absolutely devoted to Ella.  And completely removed from the pains of his losses, actions and failure to defeat his shifter forms.  //Darn you Coyote!//

//~D  Sorry it's so boring to read.  But I'd rather give play by play.  Without Aer's personality (who thought he had one) your left with mine.//

[Aerimor]

*The following has lots of empty spaces, marks of ink where a pen rested for far too long and the lines slant up and down in no congruity.  And multiple repeated words and a couple repeated sentences.  Punctuation and capitlization is overly forgotten.*

I can not bring myself to write of recent events yet. What of them I know.  It all hurts too much.

I have lost everything and only have myself to blame.

The council of Druids formed and called me forth for judgment.  They collared my ability to transform.  I have no place to hide.  No place for solace.  I miss the panther already.  I keep telling myself rationally that this is a good thing, that they did help me.  That now I have the chance to fix my problems and not avoid them.   I tell myself that rationally.

The council went on to say that there are no dark voices, that any voices I heard were supplied by my own mind.  That my fears, or lack of strength, supplied not only voices but the form to evil and unbalance.  I lost control of my rage, my percieved voices and killed Jaelle and Mrs. Dawnstar.

Before my loss of control, I lost my unborn child...Alatriel miscarried.  Now I have lost Alatriel as well.  

I used to always be in such control ...at least of myself.  Now I can not even ....I am so far out of balance inside and out.  I need help.

I will find my brother and see if he can help, but I hold out no hope.  I know what he knows.  I need to find Rhizome again or some new avenue altogether.  Truth is, I might be too ashamed to even speak with Rhizome if I did cross his path.

I don't know where to turn.  I just know I need to face Mr. Dawnstar soon.  So their family can move on and I don't hold out hope for myself.  I guess I hope he demands more from me.  I think a heavier punishment would help heal my soul if not my mind.

Jaelle and I have come to terms. I thought she was going to be the hard one to face, the hard one to reconcile.  But I was wrong she was fairly easy, I guess it helps that I never cared for her after all.  Of course, she holds a chip over my head forever now, but there is nothing I can do about that.

I worked the fields where Mrs. Dawnstar called her fire and ice upon me.  That is as close to normal I have felt since ....since.  The ability to work with my hands, doing grueling, tiring, monotonous work.  In the dirt.  It made things easier. Life was just simplier.  I see a lot of physical labor in my future.  It should be something I can not mess up either.  


*Is not signed or marked.*

[Aerimor]

No peace or balance finds my soul.  I wander lost and confused...and hurt.  I have managed to come to a agreement with Ella.  We go to get silver for Zain together.  We also release out pain on the goblin masses.  I think she knows I can't love her unless I find peace in my heart again.  But truth is, I do love her.  I am just too afraid to risk showing it or, more correctly, feeling it.  For now, I think I need to surpress my feelings....then I can not lose control again.  A tight reign for now.  I will loosen the hold as time goes... right?


I continue to try to meet with Mr Dawnstar to make amends with Mrs Dawnstar, or, failing that, seek punishment so he and his family may carry on.  Maybe myself as well, if the punishment is just.

The only solace I find is from two places, one is in battle when I am turtling behind my shield and being wailed upon.  But this form is so weak, so frail.  How did I ever acomplish anything as an Elf?  I know the Druid council wants me to learn to love and respect this form.  But it is tough, my elf face.....my form is a weak one.

The other place of solace is in menial, montoneous labor upon the earth.  I have volunteered days to the Hempstead farmers.  Those that will accept my help anyway.  I turn fields, deliver live stock and turn disease from their crops when they ask or allow me.  I even shared some healing on the results of a nasty accident.  But right now the best is simply working the earth with a ho or shovel.  I can lose my mind in it, everything becomes simpler.

My morals are slipping.  I partied with Iradril for the first time since I learned he was a dark elf. What does it matter? We are both monsters with weak wills.  We know mine.... and he is too scared to end his life before he ruins everything he ever worked for.  If he died now, he could do so as a hero... a first for a dark elf.  But he chooses to continue living each day, waiting for his will to slip and his monsterous heart to take control.  Yes, how can I cast words of righteous anger when for now we are brothers.  How doth that sting my heart, even with the armor I have built around myself, that arrow still pierces true.  I am no better than a dark elf as I am.

I can still do good? I can still work for the balance and shelter of the great oak?  Can I still accomplish enough to repair what I have wrought?  Or should I do as I have told Iradril and seek to return myself to the cycle?

I still need help in the worse way!
I must make amends with Ella.

I must find a way to either save Elgon, or become close enough to him again that when he falls, I am in place to catch him

I must find Mr Dawnstar and have judgment, so his family can move on.  And I can hope, one hole in my heart can begin to mend.

I must find a way to appreciate this elven form again.  Or at least respect it.  My heart, as ugly as it may be is still Elven.  And even in this pain, I know i will never accomplish anything if I can not repair at least some of its damage.

I must find a way to eventually face my emotions, my anger and rage especially.  


The first two I have an idea on how to accomplish, but I am lost for real options for the last two.  Lots of time I guess?

Fates be kind and send me a solution, I swear I will attempt to listen!

~Aerimor.