Aerimor Lightbringer

[Aerimor]

I almost lost control of my emotions today.  I was speaking with Ella and she kept chipping away at the wall I have erected to guard my emotions.  And before I knew it the tears were falling.  I wish it was not true for her sake, but I love her so.  To look at what I have turned her into....  Oh I remember what part of it was, she spoke of the future and us trying to have another child.  She is such an idealistic fool, how I miss her.   As soon as I realized I was on the verge of letting my emotions control me, I slammed the door on them as best as I could and left.  Before I did, she said she had someone she wanted me to speak with.  Someone that could help.  I would try any snake oil, shaman's charm or faith healing for her.  But I hold no hope.  Until I find a way to face my own demons, what good can anyone do me? And I can not face them until I find the quiet in my being again.  My spells are more difficult to draw forth then ever before, if I do not find a way to find balance and restrengthen my tie to nature soon, I may be no more than a weak elf with a wooden shield and appreciation for animals.

I am afraid to let my emotions out, but I think I will have to anyway.  I think I will plan a trip to some far away spot, days from any people.  Then if I loose my way again, at least I will not be able to harm another soul.  I do not know if I should tell Ella or not.  If I don't and that is the end.  Well I'd like to say good bye.  But if I do, she may try to stop me or follow me.  Now that I have penned this, I imagine I will tell her.  There will be opportunities to get away; she has to visit Zain often.  And at least she will know what happened if I fail...again.

I am now very afraid.  I have never before feared death.  

I don't think it is the death I fear.  I think its being unable to keep my oaths, repay my wrongs.  Sadly, I do think these things are more important to me then my own life.

[Aerimor]

I still fail to catch up with Mr Dawnstar.  I continue to await judgement and resolution with Ellohana.

The only peace I find is still when I work the earth.  I think I have added as much sweat to the Hempstead fields as a few of the farmers themselves.  In a way I guess we both are doing it to survive.  I am not sure if I could keep my emotions locked up tight if I did not have this simple release.

Ella said that a man Grembeld was claiming to be Zain's uncle and looking for him.  She thinks it could be THE werewolf in human skin.  I shall stop by Wayfare, where he claims to get messages and look for him.  I think I know something about spotting a monster lurking in mundane skin.  Maybe I can be of some real use.

~A

[Aerimor]

Things are getting no better.  I feel my mind remains shatered.  My thoughts are not like before, they are confused and jumbled.  I fear something snapped that may be beyond healing.  Couple that with the fact I have atempted to wall off all strong emotion and I am a wreck.  I must find balace inside myself soon or be lost.

I ran into Elgon and attempted to make peace with him.  I do not knwo how we took it as I ws overcome with grief and tears.  I refuse to let such strong emotion find hold on me, they may lead to anger and rage... And I refuse to touch those emotions.  Not after what was happened.

I talked with Ella.  We discussed things.  And together we decided I will find someplace remote and face my emotions.  And I loose my battle, better to die while attempting to save myself than waiting for it to slowly overcome me.  Know that she knows, ...at least if I fail.  She will not have to wonder.  She was the best part about my life.  She completed me.  Even got me to consider everything I learned as a Sun Elf growing up.  Well I think its message in some cases was lost over the milenia

I went to visit the Dawnstars, only Mrs Dawnstar was home.  I apologized again and told her of my plans to 'go away'.  I figured it migh tbe better if she didnt have details.  Ella can always fill her in later if she desires.  Mr Dawnstar remains away.  But Elly told me that Mr Dawnstar was seeking to have Ladt Creekskipper speak for him in regards to my crimes against he and his.  But Mrs Dawnstar did not think Lady Creekskipper had yet been contacted.  I told Mrs Dawnstar I'd be available for a week and to send either of them my way.  After that I had to go for a while.  She thanked me and I left.

I am taking this time to try to make final peace and get my 'house' in order.  I leave here in my journal a copy of my will.  I am also filing one with someone in Voltrex and arranging for one to be sent to Alatriel if I am gone for longer than two months without contacting her.

~Aerimor

*A folded copy of a AErimor's will is left folded in this page*

[Aerimor]

Finally! I crossed paths with Mr Dawnstar.  Maybe I can have resolution with him and his before I part.  I believe this may be crucial if I stand a chance of overcoming myself and regaining balance.  He was understandably not very talkative.  He said he desired for the courts of Rofirien to judge me and that was his word as the speaker for Mrs Dawnstar.  the gods have no sway with me, but this is more than fair.  I go now to turn myself over to the authorities in the Fort Vehl temple.  Finally maybe my soul can have some peace.  I know the druid counsel punished me, but I never felt it was for the same crimes as I go to confess now.  I plan to confess to the crime of murder for Mrs Dawnstar.  The murder of Jaelle, while she was with child.  These are as Mr Dawnstar stipulated.  But if I am submitting to them for that much I might as well confess to the attack on Arkne..i think his name was..and make it a clean start.  Granted Arkne attacked me, but by that point I feel his attack was more than justified and even my attempted defense of myself an act of agression.

If I see Ella I will tell her, but I leave now.  So Ella if you are reading this for any reason Ella know that time was of the essence.  Or I would of told you.

I am actually looking forward to this.  I do not know if this is a result of my shattered mind or I hope, a soul wishing to regain its honor.

~Aerimor

*note added later in fresher ink*

I spoke with Reus of the temple in Vehl.  He said I should return at //whenever this goes down// .  He said the correct official will be available then.  I wish that they could of started the process already.  But I can wait a few more days.  This may prolong my confrontation, but it will be well worth it.

//GM's please feel free to refrence Krysthalien's journal as he will make an entry as well.  I of course do not know when that will be, but I did not want to be the slow poke. =) //

[Aerimor]

I anxiously await the comming trial.  And yes I am anxious.  

I spoke with Mrs. Dawnstar, she said that when I was still giving advice, I gave her some and she now decided it was sound advice.

I do not remember it.  But she said she is retiring from adventuring and rededicating herself to her family.  I can't say I gave her that advice, but I agree with it.  She is young yet and will have many decades left to pursue more adventuring if she desires.  She also said Mr. Dawnstar was going to do likewise.  I am glad for that.  I have only her word that he is a good father.  I know for over a year, I spent more time with his children than he did.

I miss Mrs Dawnstar's children.  Especially Aurhi.  Seems I will never get to be uncle Kitty again.....

//unsigned

[Aerimor]

I continue to await the trial.  I can hardly think of anything else.

I continue my work in the Hempstead Fields, helping any and all farmer's that will accept my assistance.  I still find the tolling physcial labor and motoneous actions to be the only soothing thing for my shattered mind.

Jaelle approached me and asked to 'cash' in my debt to her.  She asked why I hated her.  I explained I did not hate her and then listed my 10 reasons or so for disdaining her.  She then asked for me to not hold her sins against her child.  I told her that would be done no matter any debt exchanges between us.  And lastly she asked that I attempt to look out for her child if the need arrises.  She made it sound as if she would not be surprised if she was removed form the picture some day.  Well I listed my clauses and specifications.  Mainly that is coudl not come into conflict with the vows I had already given as a Druid or my personal vows to Ella.  We worked out a pact that she found acceptable and I gave my oath.  The best thing for her child in the long run may be for her to not be in the child's life.  But that will be for her to decide for now.  Of course now that she had me to swear to look out for the child for the time being, if she become a threat to it.  I will have to remove her for it or vise versa.  Let us hope that the power of motherhood helps straighten her out.  I have enough problem of my own, without getting into more.  And that is if the Roferiens do not sentence me to death....

~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

I ran into Ms Creekskipper in Hempstead and asked her to take me into custody.  On my way to Vehl I had the fortuen of running into Ella and got to let her know face to face that I was finally being taken into custody.  As much as I try to remain emotionless, there was no way I could tell here our possible final farewell without being overwhlemed.  Well now the ball is rolling and there is nothing I can do but await its stopping point.

When we arrived at the Roferien temple in Vahl, Reus this time agreed to keep me in custody.  I presume since this was the second time I was turning myself over he went easy on the restraints.  I am under house arrest and confined to a room in the temple.   I heard the lock tumble when they left, but everyone knows that was just a token action.  He could of had me confined in the Vehl jails, but instead afforded me a small room with a window in sight of a line of trees.  I think he may of known the favor he did me, but even if he did not.  I am very thankful, I am not sure I could survive being confined indoors, cut off from my bond to the earth for a grat period of time.  At least not now, not with some many internal issues.  Its till feels like I have shards of glass in my head when I think sometimes.  When I do feel my heart it is more wounded than I ever thought possible.  I of course still wear the locking amulet, so I can not even touch my natural forms.  My concentration and focus are shades of what they were.  Yes, I am very thankful for a simple window.

Now I wait, with nothing to do but think.  I will ask for a bucket and rags, when next they feed me.  At least I could task myself with cleaning this room like it has never been cleaned before.  I miss my work in the fields.  I believe it helped keep my bond alive but it also served to trick my mind and wear out my body.  So I could at least find release in monotoneous physical toil.

I also spoke with Arkne and made peace.  He was very easy going about it, so I have to assume that I at least did not inflict any lasting injury on him.

I believe I am at peace with myself in regards to those I have injured to what degree I can be.  Or will be after my sentencing.  I do not believe my soul deserves to be chased from this existance.  But if they order it, I will accept the easy way out that they offer.  I am fully commited to this sentencing as long as I am not left with a slap on the wrist.  I have never witnessed Roferien law and punishment in action.  But I do not think I have to worry about them being too lax.  

I have written letters to Mrs Dawnstar, Mrs Thornwood, Alatriel and a few of the farmers I have been helping.  I will ask if they can be sent.  I guess I should write one to Ver as well, but I do not know what to say.  And i know I should write one to my parents, but I do not have the heart to do such a thing.  I am sorry Mom and Dad, but I wouldn't even know where to begin.

~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

The trial and sentencing can not come soon enough.  Even if these are my last days, I can not wait for the end of this imprisonment.  There are times when I am all but unable to calm my mind.  My world is now five paces by six paces.  Well and the window.  Without the window looking out on those few trees, I think I'd of landed myself in the Vehl jail already.  When I can reach reverie, I often wake with some of the worst memories of my childhood.  And of course of the night I am to finally face justice for.  I have no idea how I ended up here any more.  My memories are becoming blured.  It hurts to think sometimes.  I can seldom focus my mind any more.  I am becoming more distant and out of touch of reality.  I gain prescious little conversation from the cleric that bring my meals.  And noone has come to visit.  Not that I blame them of course.  I can not pen how much I desire to just see Ella's face.  But I know she has her werewolf son to care for.

Things were never suppose to come to this.  But then I wonder how many before me have said the same.  My story is new to noone.  If it wasn't for my connection to the nature and the world's life force, I doubt I could still form sentences or thoughts.  I think I heard my dear friend Kalesh a few nights back.  I am sure the guards kept him from entering the city.  My friend your voice did my spirit wonders, do not do anything so foolish as to put yourself in danger.

What was I writting? Yes, I was writting of how slow the wheels of justice turn.  I can only hope thet they near their revolution, wether I remian in their path of not.

~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

The days become longer with each setting sun.  I am not sure I will last until my trial if things do not quicken.  I have pulled out my old meditation techniques and they help greatly. But they are lacking. I miss my physical toil in the earth.  I miss clear thouhts.  I can not keep focus or concentration for
long in here.  My heart remains heavy and my thoughts scattered.  I have thought about walking out that door a few times already.  I think it would get me a hastened trial or sentencing, be it execution or not.

But I can not just throw my life away.  Not without finding out if I can yet be helped.  I know Alatriel could use my help if I have any to offer.  She is surely overwhelmed by trying to find a way to help her son.  I think the worse part of this confinement is knowing that door it just a symbol that it could not stop me.  I think i may have torutred myself more by choosing this room over the hold cell.  Granted i'd have no window, but I'd also have no choice about being confined.

I have cleaned my room spotless ever day but still I have hours to fill.  So i have made a regamine for myself.  I wake up and make my bed.  Try to focus and find clearer thoughts in my mediations.  I then run in place and do some other physically tiring activities that do not require much space.  Crunches,
sit ups and the like.  I wish there were more things I could do, but I do not know any more that require so little space.  I then am usually fed.  I stare out the window for an hour or so, trying to will my connection with nature to strengthen or at least not diminish in any case.  I then scrub the room from top to bottom.  They have been kind enough to provide me rags and water for such purpose.  I then am fed lunch. I then write a journal if I can. And attempt another cycle of meditation and physcial activity.  I do try
very hard to kep my self physically drained.  But with every passing day, it requires a little longer session of activity.  They have been providing me with a wash basin and and change of clothes.  

Being a church all they have in great supply is robes.  I remember thinking how silly robes look.  But truth it, they are very unconfining.  Can't say i'd wear them if I am set free, but for now they are comforting.  I offerd to
clean my own sheets and robes, but the cleric said its easier to add my wash to the rest than to make available to me the suplies to wash it myself.  I just didn't want yet another person or three to have to do stuff for me.  I am in enough peoples debt.  I offered to at least pay for it, but once again I
was told it is not neccesary.  If I still wanted to make a donation at the end of my stay, the church would take one then.

Then comes evening, the hardest time of the day.  Everything around here gets quite, and most of the staff is not elven.  I try again to pen a journal if I have one.  And then try to focus and meditate.  But without the physical activities to focus on, but instead knowing I will be alone with my broken thought all night again I do nto have much success.  I wish I could learn some more advanced focusing or meditating techniques.  A few of the older druids I knew practiced them and an occasional wizard friend of father's.  I then try to commune with nature again, and at least that is easier under star light from the window.  This almost complete isolation is tough.  But I think maybe some things inside me are resolving themself on their own.  Or maybe I am just wishing. What would I not do to speak with Kalesh or Ella!  I would gladly talk with Verideth or Elgon.  Heck at this point I'd talk to about anyone. The clerics that bring my meals are polite but really refuse to talk to
me at any length about anything. Any way if I am lucky I then find reverie and start the cycle again with morning light.

~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

//The following are a collection of daily journals, not all of them but enouh to get the point across.  They are entered as one jounral entry for everyones ease.//

More of the same today.  Meditate, exercise, eat, commune, clean, mediate, exercise, eat, wash, commune, mediate
count the paces from wall to wall, count the stars in my window of the sky.

I am sure tomorrow will be the exact same.

~A




Today was the same. Only differance is it was a windy day and I could smell more acuratly the sea breeze and a hint of the trees I so longinly look to.

~A


Today was the same.  nothing to note except I think I had a decent reverie for a change last night.

~A

Today I had a new guy give me morning and afternoon meals.  The regular guy was sick from what he said.  This new guy Tony is younger and was willing to talk to me for a few precious minutes.  He refused to come inside
the room with me, but he was polite enough.  Gave me a peice of gossip too.  Aparently the Roferiens are busy. A trial is upcoming for a half-orc that went on a rampage in hempstead a few weeks ago.  It seems that is were the
roferiens have been focusing their energies.  I guess maybe they have not forgotten me after all.  I think I am just lower priority since I am here by my own actions.  Its a small peice of light, but I'll take it. I wish Tony new more but, he is young and performing his duties.

~Aerimor

Today was back to the same routine. No more Tony, no more conversations.  I reveries very well last night again. And my morning meditations went deeper and I felt beter afterwards.  The afternoon one however was back to normal.
I think it was the prospect of having someone to talk to that made both the Reverie and the meditation more successful.

~A

More of the same today.

~A

Nothing new today.  The walls feel tighter than ever before.

~A

I hope the half-orcs trial is well under way.  I am getting stir crazy again.  No reverie for the last two night.  And the meditations are helping but not as much as they use to.  I could really use a change of pace.  Or at least a confirmed date for trial.  Something tangable to look forward to.

~A

[Aerimor]

Ella came to visit me today!  I could not of asked for a greater gift.  After all our troubles she still has faith in me.  And I know her life has to be hell.  Trying to comfort her son and find him a cure.  Well not find the cure so much as find out the information to take the cure by killing Z's sire.

I hope that we get a second chance.  Altough I still contend she could do better for herself.  I told her if the Roferiens see fit to kill me after making me be confined for so long, I would come back and haunt their church.

I can not even begin to write what her visit meant.  We did not really talk about anything.  But life was good and I forgot where I was and what I did while she was here.  I know I'll make it through to the trial, if she can endure taking care of Zain almost alone, I can keep sane long enough for them to decide to kill me or help me get help.  I will just have to try harder with my communing and meditating.  I am sure there is enough power inside me and instilled into me by my connection to survive a few months of a cell.

We both blame ourselves for what happened with our child.  And maybe someday we will be able to move on.  Heck knows I understand life is tough and everyone dies.  But its differant when its your child and you feel you could of done something, anything to protect it.

This is still too much for me.  I need to go run or meditate.

Know my love goes with you always Ella.  If you are given only on reprieve I pray it goes to Zain.  He deserve every chance, after what he was saddled with at so young of an age.  Whatever my future is, I wrought it myself.  Zain had no such luxury.

~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

After more weeks of the same, Ella and Mrs Dawnstar came to visit me.  It was wonderful to see Ella of course.  But Mrs Dawnstar's apperance puzzled me.  She said she had been having some troubling finding with her divination magics.  I guess she still wants to think of me as a friend, even though I shattered that bond.  I can refuse her nothing so I answered her questions as best as I could.

She wanted to know if I remembered killing Jaelle.  I answered that I of course did.  Then she said she didn't think I had.  I hoped for a minute that meant that Brian or someone took advantage of the opportunity to kill Jaelle.  This got me thinking I do not actually remember delivering the death blow.  

What slim hope I had was crushed moments later when Mrs Dawnstar said she thought she killed Jaelle.  Might as well been by my hand then.  We both know _IF_ Mrs Dawnstar killed Jaelle is was by accident.  And that accident came in reaction to my actions, then logically I am just as guilty for the crime as if I commited it by my own hand.  After all that was clearly my intent that day, and any doubt that could of been given to me.  That maybe I would not of went through with it, was lost the moment I cut Mrs Dawnstar down.  I am obviously guilty of intent, and she died due to magics cast to attempt to stop me.

Mrs Dawnstar seems to want to blame herself.  I guess she believes I will be visiting the executioner and that if she can carry part of my crimes I may survive.  As much as I do not wish to meet my end yet, I will not let Mrs Dawnstar blame herself for my actions.  I do not yet fear the gallows, axe or however they performs executions.  I can only hope I show as much resolution if it comes to be my fate.  My heart would die for Alatriel, but maybe I could at least find the honor in death I lost in life.

So, Mrs Dawnstar...Elly. If you ever read this, please know there is only one thing in my life I truely would ask to be able to take back and it is the events of that horrible day.  I am sorry for all the pain I caused you and others.  But you are guilt free in this Elly.  Do not take blame that is not yours.  Your are a greater friend that I apparently deserved.  I am glad I was there for your family when you were in need.  Those months when it was just Ella and I taking care of your children.  When Ella and I had a possible glimps into our future, where amongst my happist.  They wil be in the forefront of my mind if I face the executioner.  I pray you never have to tell Ahuri what happened to Uncle Kitty.  And since the only way you will be reading this is in event of my passing: For the months since I took care of your children, up until that day-I considered you my sister Elly.  I pray your life finds peace and you and your husband find the life that lets you enjoy your family.  And the only thing I ask, is that you do not hold my actions against Ella.  She is innocent in this and needs all the friends she can get during this time.  Remind her Zain needs her.

~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

I never thought I would say this, but I have grown accustom to the walls.  I no longer fear them.  I long to be outside and in the woods, or working the Hempstead fields.  But I am no longer obsessed with just getting out of here.

The daily routine running into weeks and now months has helped calm my thoughts and my fears.  I guess having a set repeatative no surprises schedule has helped clear my mind.  I have found myself thinking clearer in any case.  Or i have calmly slipped into insanity, in either case, there is more peace here.  I miss the soil, trees and animals with my every fiber.  But besides that, everything her is provided for me.  I do not have to do anything more than eat.  I of course continue with my physical exertion and meditations.  I believe the physical exertion helps calm me and make my fears and guilt bearable.  It also allows my mediatation to become increasingly more productive.

As I have said I have come to terms with what I have done and failed to do.  I do not fear my fate.  My only regrets are failing those I loved and killing Jaelle and Razeriem's child.  If the executioner is what it takes to allow my soul to proceed into rebirth clean, then I welcome it.  Everything has cycle, and if I can atone for my crimes in this life at least I will pass with a clean slate.  I believe I have a lot more to attone for if I live than if I am killed.  I know that the executioners axe would be the easy way out for me.  If I live I will have to spend a life time atoning.  But as I have noted before, it i out of my hands now.  I will not attempt escape as long as I have control of my facilities.  I believe I would be giving up all my reincarnations for whatever extended life I found in this one.  I hope Ella does not ask it of me, I think I could still deny her this.  But I would again be hurting my love.  I must believe that we will find each other in the next life, if ours together in this one comes to an abrupt end.

Ella, I love you moe than anything in this world.  If you are reading this in wake of my death, then please find heart.  You have much to live for, including your son.  I have left you most of what little material things I have.  Please use it to take care of Zain and yourself.  Do not hate the Roferiens, they only do as their god demands.  And he in turn only does as he must, he is the face of balance that is justice and law.  Both can be harsh, but without them everything would be lost.  You could as well blame Aeridin for taking the spark of live from our child.  Or Illsare for gracing us with our love.  Our lives are touched by all 'gods' for they are no much that names put to aspects of life and creation.  But if you do hate Alatriel, you will be lost.  you wil be lost to Zain, yourself and to me as well.  If you do not find peace in this life Ella, then there is no promise that we will be reunited in the next life.  If I die before you, be it because of this senencing or many years later at the hands of diseased wolf or some other seemingly innane occurance, I will wait for you between worlds.  I will stay my reincarnation until your soul finds mine.  We will have our lives together in this life or the next.  And whatever forms we take, you will have my love.  

With all my love forever,
~Aerimor.

[Aerimor]

I keep my routine strictly, it is the best way I have to comabt to duldrums and monotonious days.  I feel better in tune with my birth body that I ever have.  While it is still far weaker than I had grown accustomed to.  It does have far more strength that I had given it credit for.  I no longer have even the slightest degree in shame over my natural form.  The daily regamine has worked wonder for my confidence and abilities in this regard.  Maybe I am trying to find the good in the bad, but time spent here may end up personally of being a posative thing.  if it was not for Ella's removal and that she has to go through her trials alone, in hindsight this may of been a good path to willing to choose.

Speaking of Ella, if I am going to keep my part of our love and partnership, I have to try whatever I can to talk the Roferie's into allowing me to help Zain.  She mentioned that her wizard may have a lead into helping Zain in a couple weeks.  If this turns to be true and I am still withotu a set trail date.  I will at least try to compel the Roferiens to allow me to gain temporary leave to help a inocent.  Maybe they can geas or quest me with magics to assure my return.  Or even trust my on my word with truth magic to show my true intent.  In any case, the worse they can say is no.  If I am going to seriously going to be Ella's partner, i must find a way to support her.  And right now that would mean helping her with Zain.  Zain the child she has all but adopted and I think that is only a formalitiy.  If noone has come forward yet to claim the child and if Zain survies this ordeal.  And i pray he does,  I know in my heart he will become a permentant part of her life.  And thus mine.  I need to find a way to accept him fully, hopefully I will be able of such a emotional binding in the days to come.  For now, i only latch onto Ella emotionally, I still have much inner growth to obtain.

And on the topic of inner growth, they say prisoners find religion.  I guess in my own way that is what I have been doing.  But I have no use for the gods or more approperatly any one god.  I have been playing at this for years, it was time for me to finally accept it.  The gods are nothing more than names given the the aspects of the world.  They of course balance each other out as the word is balance.  If it ever ceased to be in balance..it would cease to be.  For example Roferien is just a name given to represent the powers of law and order in our world, standing in direct and proportial opossition to the powers and influences of chaos.  Those that follow and worship Roferien in my opion are just pulling power for the world's natural AL'noth though a lawful heart or mind.  Thus they themselves taint or change the magic to a lawful one.  It is the user that puts the flavor so to speak on the natural resource of Al'noth.  A Shadonite and a Toranite pull from same pool of magic, but do to their personal imbalances force the magic to reflect themselves.  i have had much time to think, and for me this makes the most sense.  I do not see Gods playing in the life of mortals, if there were Gods why choose to act through man?  There are too many problems I have with that concept.  And as such while i never worshiped Aeriden, I called myself aligned with him.  But really all i was doign was naming myself in alliance with nature and life.  I do not regret such a declaration.  But now I simple believe i was being naive and idealistic.  If I consider myself anything now, i consider myself aligned with the world and working to keep any force from out powering its opposition.  On a more personal level, while I am having a terrible time continuing to accept many of the laws and customs I was taught as a Sun Elf, I continue to belive on my personal codes.

People must treat each other farly.  People must have laws laid before them or true chaos would spread liek wild fire and destroy the balance between law and chaos.  People must be held accountable for their actions, for only people in my belief can destroy the balance and thus damage our world beyond repair.  As my actions upset many forces in the world. One bad day and I can not fathom the damage I did.  The ripples of my actions still casue Mrs Dawnstar and her family grief and personal woe.  If i would of killed Jaelle and Razeriem's child beyond being saved, that may of been the straw too many.  I know Ella respects and like Razeriem.  If I killed his child that may of broke his friendship with Ella and then who would she of had t talk to?  And left truely alone...she may of foolowed my path or attempted to break me out of my confinement.  And If I was forced out of her to help attempt to save her, I beleiv eI would of lose myself.  And any chance I still have to do good and uphodl and repair my druidic codes would of ben lost.  Yes due to the imperfections of man, setient races, chaos is the force that could most easily upset the balance and destroy all things.  That is why I believe it is my and our job as men to protect nature, the world and ourselves from the chaos that is inside us all.  Look at the damage one day of chaos in my life caused.  The forces of Law take constient vigilance to balance the few occasions chaos is allowed ot run rampant.

What we buidl in a life time can be destroyed in a day, that is why we must pick up the peices of destruction and work to rebuidl what was destroyed.  If we fail to do such, they next time it will not be the building that was destroyed but the foundation upon which it stood.

I begin to fear, if I remain in here much longer I may become a self-elightened philosopher.  But I am not sure this is a bad thing. From reading what I just wrote.  Maybe I can find forgiveness in myself? I am mortal and thus imperfectly accpetable to chaos, if i fail to giv emy chance to ammened the damage I have done or to rebuild the building that chaos destroyed.  Then if I am struck again by such forces, i will lose my foundation.  I believe I almost did such this time.

Well that is an insight that will make my evening pass quickly.  I will have to seriously consider this enlightment.

~Aerimor.

[Aerimor]

My last entry was indeed a very powerful one for me.  I think I may of found the grain of enlightment I so desperatly searched for.  I have been shrouding myself in guilt for my actions.  When I should of been working to repair them from the start.  I have decided I will let this be a catalyst for me, I will use it as a forging of will and be renewed in those fires of chaos.  I will be the blade and strike against our perfection and protect man and nature form the forces that have burnt my sould.

I must speak to the Roferiens and convince them to allow me to save Ella's son, to save my son.  The hell with my parents and the traditions.  This child needs love and someone to fight for him.  As Ella choose to campion him, so shall I.  My first words to the Roferien's fell on deaf ears.  But i will compell them, I will appeal to the laws and honor.  Surely they can not allow a force of chaos such as a werewolf to run rampent at the risk of such a small player as myself?  I think Ella will have a chance to make  play to help Zain, if it is true, I will be there if at all possible.  Maybe I can convience them to send a squad with me? Surely they have sent forces to help with situations of equal improtance.  And if they sent 4 or 6 of theirs they would easily be able ot keep and eye on me and keep me from escaping.  Althought by now, you'd think they would of notice that it is I who have cound myself to their cell and their sentencing.


As little revering as I have been able to do in recent months, I indulge in even less as of late.  But this is s good thing.  I find I am now able to enter a deep mediation almost at will.  The few times recently when I had any trace of a panic attack form my confiement I was easily able to brush it away by finding the peace inside of me.  I believe there is more on this path if I continue to devote my time and energies to it.  But the part that appeals most to me, it is this looking inward that gives me hope that one day I will be able to face my Shifter side again and remain untouchable by the voices inside me that allowd my restraint to fall and my base emotions and urges to run free.  I even now wish to have that day again, I think I would of been able to stave off the intial lose of will and transformation into the Minotaur and ambracing of anger.  And I do now fully believe, I would never of struck down Mrs Dawnstar, that was such a gut reaction to being attacked and wounded while enraged.  I believe that if it repeated the moment i saw it was my friend Ellly, I would of stayed that swipe of my axe.

I now tell myself not to dwell on the guilt, or cripple myself with the action.  But to use it and draw strength, to see my failure and know how to prevent it.  I know now how that part of my mind used its ploy to make me see what was not true.  I will never fall victim to myself in that manner again.  

I hope to find the mental fortitude to never have to doubt myself in battle again, but for now, I will question my impulses and be vigilant for what I have seen before.  I must remain on guard be build my armor and weapon to protect me from all attacks external and internal.

i think my philosophies may lie close enough to the Roferiens that if I can convince them part of my punishment should be in trianing or reflection with myself.  That they may, I hope agree to allow me to recieve spiritual help form one of their clerics or men of personal faith.  The religion part of course would fall on deaf ears to  alrge degree as I do not believe in an entity itself, but if they had someone that could help me look inward and guard from chaos.  There claimed foe, it could help me to further my path to self-elightenment?  Now i fear i may of been locked up to long, do I soudn like a mad man?  i pray not, or all is lost.  Maybe I will allow a friend or even one of the Cleric to read my journal from the recent few months and tell me if I am on a path to salvation or a path of self delusion and damnation.

Locked alone, all I have it myself to rely on.  And I feel that I am far healthier in mind and body then when I arrived here.  But I always thought a mad man, never kne whe was mad.  In either case, I think I would be on the way to my path. I just wish I had more to practice.  I have mastered the basic exercises I tired myself with long ago.  

I always spoek about how I would love to put the moves of animals into my fighting style.  And as I have nothign else to do, mayeb I will draw a few digriams.  If nothign els emaybe I will get a good laugh form it some day...if I make it out.

~aerimor

[Aerimor]

First laugh I have had in a long time...too long.  It felt good.  What made me laugh?  I was trying to diagram how to incoporate the way animals move and attack into my fighting style.  And if it can be done it is beyond my current abilities.  No matter how I diagram or think of it, a club is just not a bear paw, a staff just isn't a panter claw and a scimitar isn't a wolf's maw.  I kept trying to draw little pictograms of how the movments could be used, but I ended up drawing this fearsomly cute bear with a lightning club.  And I could stop there I added the wooden door shield and topped him off with a hat and boots.  I have enclosed the drawing here, I do nto knwo if it will be funny later in life, but it was the right medicine today.  I had not laugh in over a year now.

As for my fighting animal forms, I think I will have to call that a horrible failure.  Weapons just do not lend themselves to duplicating an animal's weapon.  But I will stick with learning what I have from them.  When and how to be swift, strong or agile.  When to snake in for the throat or just rely on a good old fashion whallop upside someone's head.

I do miss Kalesh and I do miss the connection I felt when I took on the shapes of my friends.

With time I may find my way out of here and be able to gain the druid counsel's acceptance and have this lock on my abilities removed.  For not it is something to hope for and work towards.

~Aerimor

*A bad drawing of a bear in a hat and boots weilding a giant lightning club and ginormous wooden shield is folded and placed in this page.*

[Aerimor]

It appears that my trial has been set.  I am both relieved and very nervous.  Just a couples weeks until a new begining, unless they put me into jail proper.  But in this life or the next, I feel a great change is on the horizon from this trial and sentencing.

My days now have great weight to them again.  I hold true to my daily routines and they still off me solace.  But in a much deeper manner than when I first started them.  I think I can come to terms with what I have done, why I did them and what I must now do.  I guess that sterotype of men in prison finding religion is once again very approperiate.  Even if my religion is a self realized one.

I have been assured Alatriel will get word of time and place for the event.  Verideth may show or not, but besides those two, there is noone I can call friend that I can have any faith to at least bear witness.  If Zain ends up in particular need that day, I may well face the justicars alone.  While that saddens me, it is no longer an event I am afraid of.  I do not know if representation will be provided me, or if I will only have myself to speak on my behalf.  No authorities have yet ben by to take my words or accounts and I do not know how the laws in this land truely work.  I was always focused on the laws of nature and the way individuals interact.

Less than a month of waiting to go, I feel like I have been in here a lifetime, so I guess a few more weeks will be easy.  I have not had visitor's in months now and hope I will see Ella before my trial.  Or she will at least send me word if she can make it or not.

~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

Ella came to visit me today!! Its been a long time since I had a visitor.  And Ella is of course top of my list.  She looks so weary now days, the strain of lossing a friend, miscarrying, worrying about me and constant tending to Zain.  Who she just hopes she gets a chance to help.  I know in my heart she will get her chance.  I just wish I could help as well.

If I am going to be a parent to Zain, I have a lot of work to do.  I know nothing about him.  The only things we share is having a beast inside us, knowing what it is like to rampage and of course Ella.

Ella said the work orders for the house finally came through, I had given up that they would ever catch up after the Mariner's and LEringard disasters.  I would like very much to see the house ready so we can bring Zain home to a stable enviroment.  One that is his and ours alone.

I did my best to reassure Ella, to let her feel the confidence i have that Zain will be fine.  Maybe that is the balance that must be paid.  Maybe my time will be called to extend Zain's back to that of a normal human child's.  If that is the case I will gladly accept that.  I think Zain can do Ella more good now than I can.  And he deserves a chance, I had mine after all.

Not that i am ready to give up.  No I am past that stage.  I know there is much work I could do yet in this world, starting with Ella and Zain.  To clean up the chaos that stoel both of their lives and give them a measure of order and regularity.  A chance to start again and build new lives together.  

But what will be my fate will be,  I am comfortable and at peace with my role in life whatever it may be.  My doubts now lie with wether I will have a chance to redeem myself through acting or dying.  In either case, my work in this world is not done and I may yet have my chance.


I kow some druids believe a union between two people is restrictive and stops the druid from looking out for what's best for balance and nature.  They think one becomes to attached to personal desires.  My words for them, each person is differant.  Some will be distracted, and some strengthened.  I spent many nights alone an in despair, I would not of made it through with my sanity if not for Ella.  And for those that would counter and say without Alatriel I'd never of had my fall.  I say the fates are what they are, I would in the end met the same forces of chaos.  They would of just been later than sooner and I would of been alone instead of having a friend.

I told her I wait until the day I can hold her again and if the day did not come again in this life to keep her eyes open.  That i may return to her in another form, maybe the Kitty that she oringally fell in love with in the first place.


~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

Today is the day, when I set my pen down and finish washing and dressing I head to trial.  I am very anxious, and I am pleased to say I am not fearful of the results.  I have made peace with my soul and know I will get my chance to continue on the life the fates have choosen for me.  I am only to happy to have the door to a new life standing before me.  I have faith my strength will not fail me if I am sentenced to death.  I belive only life imprisonment could break my will now.  If i am returned to confinement for a number of years, I believe I will loose my chance with Alatriel, i certainly hope she does not wait for me any longer.  I hope Zain forces her into the moment of life, else his will be over before she realizes it.  She or we will have to learn to cease the moment and make the most out of life with a human son.

But I wander from topic and time is short, for once in a LONG time, time is short!  What a beautiful idea, just for the novality of it. Things have been the same and unchanging for so long, even today is a glorious event.

Point of this entry being. If this is my last.

I always loved you Ella.  It just took a long time to deconstruct the biases, racism and traditions that were saddled on my by my people.  I do believe at one point or another each of their laws served a real true purpose to protect my ancestors.  But times changed, the world nearly died and was reborn.  Did the Sun Elves change? Not really, maybe they added a few more customs and laws to further isolate themselves from the chaos of the world, to protect what they knew and what they had grown comfortable with.

Along with many other things, I have been forced to realise what it is and how it came to be.  I do not blame them on the whole.  But at some point my people will have to wake up and again think for themselves and relaise the world has changed and continues to change.  if they do not, I do fear for my people's future.

Back to the point, the only point.  There is nothing about you I'd change except the suffering Zain's condition and my folly have put you through.  You were and are the most beautiful woman I have ever known, tan lines or not.  And I hope to have the chance to help you free her from the prison of torture she is now held in.

With love always,

Aerimor "Kitty" Lightbringer


If I am dead, have me buried without the necklace enchanted upon me.  I am sure the magic's will cease if my life force has.  Let me be laid to rest free of the bonds that held me in this life; so I may find my way in the next.

[Aerimor]

Well I remain in the land of the living and the trial went nothing as expected.  I started the day sure I was soley responsible for the deaths of Ms Dawnstar, Jaelle, her child and myself.  But after listening to testimony of the other's specifically Arkne and Jaelle, I no longer believe so.

I believe that Jaelle and I together are responsible for the atrocities of the day.  Having to listen to the Jaelle obviously shade the truth and disregard the trial process illuminated much for me.  I see now that she was not as innocent as my guilt wanted to paint her.  She obviously could of ended the confrontation if she desired.  Except that as a manifestation of chaos she is unable to walk away from conflict.  

I would of accepted all blame and fault if she was not so tainted and baised.  If she did not make such a mockery of the whole procedure.  In a way I guess I can thank her, if she did not fire me up, I would of quietly accepted all of the blame.  As it worked out, I spoke the truth a I remember it.  I was uncomfortable saying what type of spells she cast on me to start the actual combat.  But I do believe they attacked my mind.  And I can not even now be so sure she did not succeed in an attack against my mind and purposly increase my rage or decrease my ability to control it.  But in fairness, the way I was feeling before the magic attack, I do believe I wished to do her bodily harm.  To get some response out of the heartless and cold wench.  And in that form of that day, I hold no faith I would of stopped at bodily harm.

In the end I think the sentencing was just, except for the fact I believe the crime against the child was unaccounted for.  But I believe that with the promise I made to the child my pentenance will be paid.  I agreed to Jaelle to protect the child.  I seriously consider wether she is the greatest threat to her own child and if it should be relocated to a loving, uninherently evil parent.  I think I will stick to the letter of the agreement for now and concern myself with its physical saftey only.  I can not wait until the child becomes and adult or breaks path with nature and my vow becomes fulfilled.
The child has the deck stacked against it with a monster like Jaelle and a fool liek Razeriem for parents.  But I will honor my pact and offer my services for its physical saftey when approperiate.  

Anyway in the end I was found guilty of the murder of Ms Dawnstar, as I should.  I was found guilty of only assualt and attempted murder of Jaelle.  I beleive that she as much as I got that charge dropped to what it was.  It appears the court agreed at least that she was as responsible for her and the child's death as I was.

My sentence fo crimes against Jaelle were commuted to time served.  I hope it haunts her to know that my time served as strengthed me and help reset my resolve.  That in a hard way, she helped me and reconfirmed my belief in order.  And helped me to realise the damage the Chaos inherently represents.  I hope Mist appreciates her faithful's work in the name of law and order.

My sentencing for the murder of Ms Dawnstar was exection.  To take my chances with the soul mother.  If anything i found this lienant, but if its the law and with the understanding Ms Dawnstar would not even desire this.  I guess the sentencing is just.  I was given the choice of execution manner for ackowledgment of the fact I turned myself in.  He put the clause on it that the manner could not be inexpedient, cruel or unduely inhumane or something.  I looked to Jaelle and then back to him and stated then that my manner of execution then could not be at the lips of Jaelle then.  He found no humor in this but I thought it was pretty funny, aparently a few of the crowd did as well.

I miss laughter and human interaction as much as anything.  I do not plan to disregard either. I told him the manner did nto mattre and they chose the bastard sword.  We proceeded outside and an executioner asked me to kneel or be bound.  I tried to summon enough courage to do such and found that I did indeed have the inner strength to remain under my own strength.  I then managed to find solace from the event by focusing inward and falling into meditation.  Something I'd never been able to do before my many months in confinement.  The blade fell and I awoke at my bindstone.  The soul mother stayed her hand.

I returned to the Rofirien temple and confirmed my debts had been paid and that I was a free elf again.  They confirmed such.  And on that topic when did is become approperaite for a justicer to called the accused by his race instead of name or titel as the accused?  I find great affront by being refered to as 'the elf.'  I was the one on trial, not my race.  I think he did great diservice to Rofirien by his oversight of addressment.  Why not refer to me as the dark haired one, of the right handed one?  I guess he is only human and intitled to a mistake, and as long as he corrects this procedure now that I pointed it out, tha tis all it was a mistake.

I made my way to Ella's and my spot and fortunatly foudn her there.  It was a long night.  I knew she was alone and under great stress, but I did not realise how baldy she just needed to be held.  I fear things are greatly changed between us and that she in particular teeters on disater.  But we will now take this together one day at a time and find the Ella that was lost.  Granted she does not exist any more, but the heart of her still does and when we reawaken that, a lot fo her pain will go with it.  

For now we just need to focus on helping Zain and setting up a routine of normality.  We need to put order in our life and give Zain a stable place to heal.  For that matter Ella and myself as well.

Now that I am free, I feel the need to continue my path of self awakening.  If I am going to be staying in the body for years to come, I wish to continue to learn to appreciate it and learn its strength.  If I ever make ammends with the Druid's counsel and they lift their restrictions, knowing the strength and weakness of my own form can only help me do the same with my other forms.  Maybe I can teach Ella some of what I have learned, give her a routine to find solace in.  A way to channel her energies.  I believe the order and structure would do her as much good as myself and if we did such together it would give us somethign new and special to share.

Everyone needs to have order and structure in their life; let me help give that gift to Ella.

~Aerimor