Aerimor Lightbringer

[Aerimor]

I am free, but things are not how they once were.  I am a creature of habit now.  I exit reverie tha same time each morning and follow much the same regiment i did while incarcerated.  The main differance is not i run through the wilderness, through forest, plain and mountian alike.  I can not express how good it is to be activley in nature again.  My heart feels like bursting with the simple pleasures I have been without for so long.  My oldest friend Kalesh joins me every morning on my treks.  I think he suffered form my absence far more than I anticipated.  He is a dear friend.  But the cycle continued when I was away, he has now sired cubs and has allowed me to play with them.  They are the cutest little kittens.

I think of the child Ella and I lost and wonder if we will ever try again.  I am years away form wanting to activly pursue such and Ella is years away from being able to.  I just hope Zain and Ella can mend each other.  And i will do everything possible to put them in the place to try.

I intend to force Ella to start taking a morning run with me, but I have to be careful to not push too hard, but yet introduce faimliarity and dependability back into her life.  With Zain how he is, I just have to bide my time.  But as soon as we are back or she next travels to town, I intend to have her follow me to Kalesh and ask his permission for her to see the cubs.  I think it may cause some pains.  But i know it will do hear heart again to feel anything posative.

As for the rest of my days when Ella is not around, I am attemptign to restablish contacts and work on getting supplies to move the house.  As i said stability and comfort are needed for Ella and Zain to start again.  I have also visited those farmers of Hemsptead I was helping before I turned myself in.  It does my heart good to know that most of them did appreciate me and asked with concern what happened.  I have helped a few with their more serious concerns and am attempting to get the house into the area.  I can not say whether I'd start a farm of not.  But I intend to make myself available to those that need help with the more complex areas of life on a farm.  Injuries, births, troules animals, heck anything they has the serious concern enough to ask for help with.

I do not know how Ella will take it, but I figure it will be a familiar place for Zain.  After all he grew up in the general area.  I hope that it will help him remeber what life was like before all of this chaos swept him away.  I am sure he will have bad memories of the days when he was turned and the aftermath.  But he will also have to face those eventually if he is going to heal.

I try to get use to going back into towns but find most of my nights I spend wandering off under the stars.  i did find out that Ellohanna Dawnstar (Elly) is still at the temple and I went to speak with her.  I will cover this in my next entry as it will require some length as well.  

I eventually end up back to what patch of woods i am calling home and mediate and focus.  I try to find out what I need to do next.  And ever night so far it is the same.  i need to find a way to help Alatriel and Zain.  Alas it took a long time to hurt them both to the degree they suffer and it will take even longer to help them heal their wounds.

Now that I have only myself to answer to again, I feel very free and confident.  i do nto believe myself above folly again, but I believe I will at least be able to realize any attack on myself and mount a much stronger wil to overcome than perviously.  If i fall again it will not be with only a token defense.


~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

I spoke with Marec.  I was just getting to know him before I turned myself in.  He is one of those warrior monks.  We got to talking and seems that  a monk is a warrior who strives for physical perfection and spritiual enlightenment.  I told him I was quickly becoming self-elightened, as no religions I knew of encompassed my beliefs.  I also confused I took to heart the physical training.  But when he asked it I sought to obtain physical perfection, I did have to slow him down.  I told him I would just be happy with a new physical regiment that didn't involve only a lot of running, sit up and the like.  He said that the Monastary where he trained would most likely be willing to offer guidiance and told me if I was serious they may accept me into training, but since my age is what it is, they may not.  I confessed that that did sound for now compelling but admitted I could not leave Ella again.  Not after all she has been through.  I told him that if that is the price they require, I would b eunable to pay it, Ella is far too important to me.

Marec then offered to show me a few basic exercises and told me that it might still be possible to seek guidance from a wandering master.  One that had completed his monestary training and left to aptly wander the lands.  I told him if I managed to locate one I'd inquire as to a slightly more complex regamine.  

Marec is very kind, but the idea of seeking physical perfection is a bit outside my scope.  As I said I'd just be happy with seeing what this form can really do.  I believe I am gaining the discipline necessary to attempt the first steps of such a path.  But I do not believe I have enough knowledge myself to adaquatly persue such a difficult path.  

I hope that when I stand before the Druid counsel, there will be no doubt among them that I did as they instructed and learned to appreciate my birth form and be in complete comfort with it.  The better I accomplish that, the more easily I will conquer the shifter forms that I know some day I must again face.  I approve of the restriction they placed upon me, to find comfort and respect for my elven self  And then I assume to completely respect and control myself and the animal forms that I hope to again be able to assume.  And lastly, with a rebuilding of self and control from the ground up, when I again open myself up the the powers of the shifter, I should stand all the chance I ever will of vanquishing doubts and using the forms as they were intended.  As tools to serve the balance.

~Aerimor.

[Aerimor]

Ella and I had a long over due heart to painful heart.  She spoke fo her need for time, time alone to heal.  Her need for Zain to be free and her heart unburdened with worry for his pain and life.  I asked if we were to have a second chance.  I she stated she still thought that is what she desired, but she could promise nothing and would need as much time as she would need.

I of course told her she could have all the time she needed.  I feel I have paid my debts to all except the counsil and Ella.  She has changed so much over the last year and a half.  

I find myself with some harsh feelings for Mr Dawnstar.  He is gone forever while Ella and I take care of his kids, then returns long enough to pass judgment on me and demand I turn myself in to the Rofeirens.  Never once did he thank me for looking after his family before he requested I leave Ella on her own.  When I did cross paths with him, he treated me as only a killer and an Idiot.  When I pointed out his illogical argument for not saving innocents, he all but wished me dead and treated me as a fool for caring about another life.  I must say, Marec impresses me as a warrior monk, far more than Mr Dawnstar.  Maybe the whole thing just hit too close to home.  Or he is angry with himself for not being there for his family.  But everything I heard about him, seems mis-placed.  

I guess it is just another example how a touch of chaos can disrupt a life, even that of a spirtually awakened.  I just hope things work out for Elly, that she either gets what she deserves sees to it that she obtains what she and the children need.

I have requested to again learn the Cant Ella was teaching me.  I am afriad the lack of using it for a year has stymied my budding understanding. I am a little rusty.  I still can follow most of what she is attempting to relay to me.  But I am horribly inept at getting my points across to her.  I am hoping it will be something we can do together again, to remind her of the past.  I will ask for more lessons but not push her, if sh eis not ready.... she is not ready.

To pass my time, I have started enchanting.  I figure potions can always be life savers.

~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

I have not seen Ella for a few days now, not since our heart to heart.  I know she is at the castle paying testimony to Zain's suffering if not actually helping him.  Who knows if he can tell anything of his surroundings in that state.

I am having my first relapse.  That argument with Elly and the absence of Ella has left me deflated.  I have been workign on my enchanting as I have littel else usful to do.  I thought abour Storan's ,  I remember many of my solo trips in there.  But now beign held to this elven form for my combats....  As hard as I am trying to make myself combat worthy I pale in this form compared to the dire bear form I use to assume.  I think seriously on Marec's offer.  I do think I would take him up on his advice to speak with the monestary that trained him.  I would welcome the start of somethign new.  And to lose myself in the same regamine day in and day out.  If nothing else, I would be able to face my next Druid's counsel sure in my efforts of self appreciation.

I do think I am stronger of will for my time in confinement.  For the days of being forced to come to terms with my short comming and my pains, with no help, or comfort.  I do see now, I have a few chinks.  But as I told Marec, I only seek to travel on the path.  I do nto expect to find perfection.  I will continue to build on the strength I have and when needed tear down the points of weakness and rebuild them before the whole creation falls.

I believe I still owe myself a "but" in this journal.  But I can not leave to train with anyone for a great period of time.  I am duty bound to Zain and Alatriel.  And I am heart bound to Alatriel.  I want to give her all the support and love she tried to give me and I failed to accept.  I thought I was all so kind to push her away and 'save' her from the pain, to save her form the attachment to a failure.  My question to myself of course was, if I saved her form all this pain, then why is she like she is?  Why is she so scared and hurt.  What happened to her good heart and free spirit?  And of course when I had the courage to answer, I had to point the finger at myself.  Right or wrong, better or worse, she just wanted me beside her.  And the foolish, hurt, idiot I was at the time was so busy trying to save her from his failures that I did more damage than anyone else.

I had to turn myself into the Roferiens to give my chance at a new start.  But I was foolish to tell her she was better off without me, the heart especially hers, just wants what it wants.  Now I am afraid she no longer listens to her heart and will have a long road to find it again.

In short, I will look for one of these wandering master Marec spoke of, but if it does nto work out.  Then it is my turn to sacrifise for Alatriel and try to start undoing the damage I caused.  After all I am an elf and have many years to live.  Sadly I can not say the desire to find more respect or perfection for myself will ever burn as brightly as it does now for me.  Again the nature of what it is to be an elf.  

But if I am to live true to my ideals of order, honor and balance.  I have to set things right for Ella.  And then for us.  I owe her and must attempt to settle my debt to her.  For if we are ever to be anythign like we were, then things need to be evened out between us, we need to be in balance as we once were.  And for now the scales are weighed too heavily in her favor, and I need to help her and thus us balance them again.

~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

I went with Ben, Sala and Hedessa to the Ore hills in Dregar to help them get the Iron they need to fill my order of iron spikes I have in with them.  As I have never been before it was very interesting to see the place and the creatures there.  All except the poor Ancient Dire Bears that had been worked into a frenzy by their Orgillion masters.  I know if it was no tin the midst of a battle I'd of been able to soothe there fogged minds and return them to a normal life.  But the Orgillion gave us no chance in their assualt and my companions ended their lives.  I can not fault them either a ragign bear of that size does not allow for more than a second of compassion from a non-druid.

The rest of the trip was without morale wounds, we destroyed a few small bands of chaos driven giants, and orgillions.  And the mines they inhabited were rich with gold, iron, tin and even topaz.  Gold is so unremarkable and pale before refined, I'd of never recognized it as such.  Not like i have much experience with metal working or mining of course.  But at the end of the day I walked away with a few bars of gold for Ella. And the Angels the tin, iron, and topaz.

Hedessa and Sala are very strong allies, thier mastery of the A'noth far exceeds my own.  I was virtually untouchable with their blessings and became the wall against attacks, alowing them to call their magic and Ben to strike with his viscous blades, without to much concern for defense.  I do not think they needed me in any way, but I do belive I was a contributor.  Its the first time since I had my shifting powers locked that I felt like I was a true asset to a a group in a fight.  It was a good feeling to have a roll in a group, and be able to perform it.

I found that all the work I have put into getting into better shape has paid off.  I felt lighter on my feet, quicker with the club, clearer of mind and not so reliant on my shield.  I often maximise my shield and become an almost impossible to hit target, relying on my allies to do the damage while I distract the enemy.  But on this trip, I felt that I need not rely so much on my shield and was able to become a more balanced fighter, striking as many blows for a change.

All in all the trip was a success and hopefully that means one more shipment of spikes for the construction folk to work with.

And I now have gold for Ella to work with in her jewelry making.  I have noticed that she is temporarily at peace when cutting gems and crafting rings.  I do not know if its because she concentrates so deeply or if it soothes her at a deeper level. But for now, why ever the reason, it is a good thing for her.  She is dangerously out of balance.  Anything I can do to help her find an inner balance I will attempt to do.  We need to keep her healthy until Zain can be saved.  I still beleive that when that happens Ella will be a changed person.  I just hope its enough,  she has a lot of pain to come to terms with.

I have tried to get her to run with me, or meditate, or walk through woods and appeciate the simplicities of life.  She just does not care to try, or has forgotten how to care.  I know she will have to have a grand collapse, so much of the last two yers will have to be torn down.  So that she and hopefully we can rebuild.  That we can put order and meaning back into her life.  I know she often threw order to the wind, only focusing on what good she could do.  And while i often though how foolish she was for wasting energy on such things, I always loved that part about her.  How she could instantly care so deeply for a stranger, that brought bad fortune on themself.  I would keep moving along, hoping that the fool learned his lesson and was stronger for it.  But not Ella, she'd always stop, help if she could and make some bond at a personal level.  She was always so good with people.  I always told her that they'd take everything she'd let them and she'd be left peniless and broken, but she never let me diswade her from doing the 'right thing.' We had a few minor fights over some of these, but my love and appreciation for her never faltered and she remained enamored by whatever it was she saw in me.  I can only hope that whatever she saw is still there and she can forgive me when she finds her heart again.

Before her I mostly exsisted, seeking to fill my druidic vows and beliefs.  At least since comming to Mistone.  Finding my pleasure in Kalesh and nature, seldom from those who happened to be around me.  And then there was Ella, she was that spark of life, something to enjoy.  Even though I shook my head at her actions, my heart only grew to love and appreciate her.  Some of the things she got me to do, made me want to do, they are priceless.  It is wonderful to have someone to share life's beauty with.  Even if its nothing more than pushing a friend in a pond to see their astonished look and know that it will of course come back to you in time.

I love Ella and hope we can save Zain and her soon.  I will never find a spark like her in life again.  I am an elf, with enough time, I do not rule out finding someone else, but they would never replace Ella.  Noone can, she is unique like all of nature's creations.  She is my balance, or was.  I hope she can be again.

~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

Time has ben doing what time does.  It continues to run out for Zain.  It takes its toll on Ella and also prepares her to go onward.  It continues to test me and present oppurtunities

Zain life is dangerously thin now from what Ella and the mage say.  As a believer in balance I still believe he will be offered a chance to live.  Too much has happened to that child in too short of time, pulling him too far from balance for there to not be a chance as normaility.  Of course if it does not present itself or we fail to take advantage, balance will do what it must and terminate he boy.  He is too far outside of balance ot live as he is.  My feeling may be clouded on this because I know Ella's future hangs on the line as well.  But I do believe I feel he will get a chance at life.  And thus Ella will get a chance ot heal sooner than later.

The toll on Ella is far worse than I thought.  Its the constant sight of Zain in stasis and pain with nothing to do to help him.  Couple that with her people alone the whole time I was in holding and the fact Ella feels tha tI betrayed her by leaving and she carries a wound too large for one heart.  The wound with time has festered now and she is bitter about life, and people.  She either no longer cares about helping other, or is telling herself that.  Obviously it would be to insulate her form caring about another that could fail her as I did or be in danger as Zain is.  It would of been nothing too worisome if it didn't last so long. Instead of being able to heal and move on, she has been stuck in painful stasis with Zain.

Ella and I have talked, she admitted she is angry with me, and she feels I left her.  She says things are not as they were, but she still wants me in her life.  I suggested we start again and build from the choas our lives are.  She did not seem willing to start over, but instead wishes to try to build on what we have.  I assume that means the good and the bad.  Unfortunatly I do not think this will work in the long run unless she allows me to redeem myself in her heart.  If she does not, than she will always look at me at least in part as a betrayer.  And no healthy relationship can come out of such an imbalance between partners.  For now, we will concentrate on Zain.  When we have him back, we will open discussion again.  For now i think it helps her to think me in pain, so I will accept her terms for now.  I went through my pain, I do not hurt for hw things are, it is wasted energy now.  I know my failings and have come to terms with them.  I do believe Ella is the only person I still owe a debt to, but I am no longer carrying guilt and pain.  I only carry debt and desire to repair what we can.  I love her as much as I always have.  When I attempted to have her distance herself from me, it was because I realized how fallen I was and know it would bring her great pain to remained attached.  Of course what I was not able to understand in my depths of despair was how strongly she ataches herself to those she cares about.  I am not sure any rational person would still be fighting for Zain.  I am not even sure if his life is saved he will be able to enjoy the rest of his short life span.  Recovering from such an ordeal would take decades and the human life span is so short, I am not sure if it would not of ben kinder to end his suffering close to two years ago.  But Ella and I will come to terms again after this is over, either as friends or as we were.  Which ever her heart desires, but it will have to be willing to allow me redemtion or there as i said will not be enough balance for the deepest of relationships.  I can only hope that Zain lives, she heals and things can return to as they were.   But she has seen darkness she did not know exsisted, and I have fallen to madness and attempt to walk the path that will never pass through there again.

I have incorporated the moves Marec showed me, they are just more basic exercises.  he said the were ones he did long ago and more basic than he now performs.  I will give him credit then, these basic excersises make muscles hurt I did not even know I had.  If this is the path to enlightenment I think I might consider waiting for the next passing wagon to hitch a ride.  Honestly, I feel better for doing them, it is something new.  I realize they will not help me one real iota obtain his perfection, or realize my inner truth, obtain harmony with the world.  But its something more difficult than i was doing and it makes me feel better about myself and that is enough.

~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

I was in Arindor's demise fighting Umber Hulks and had this feeling of some presence passing.  I finished fighting the last of the evil beetle creatures and was preparing to head out as the presence i felt was not normal for the place and worried me.  I immediatly began to leave and a troop of Umber hulks rushed down the hall and surrounded me, twice the number I had just defeated.  I knew that number may well be more than i could survive, but I also knew there was that Xorn at the entance and if i ran, I'd be caught in a bad place.

I killed all but three but was very seriously wounded, so I ran around the corner and managed one healign spell before they caught up with me again.  If i only had a heal potion.....  Anyway i used the wall to make the remaining three come at me two at a time.  I still thought I might of had enough energy to finish the fight, but it was goign to be close.  And then that Xorn sensing the comotion came up from behind me and shook the earth, dropping rock on me from above.  One rock took me in my shield arm shoulder and I could no longer lift it before me. The fight was lost, I was lost. I took one last swing crunching more the the hulk in front of me, but failing to fall it. Then the other hulk reach over my useless shield and sent me sprawling into the wall.  i regained enough vision in one eye to see the Xorn reach down with its claws and finish me off.

The next I felt was the all too familiar tear at my soul as the soul mother took her toll again.  I must still remain out of balance, for she has not been kind to me at all.  4 out of my last 6 deaths have been accompanied by her touch.  If I do not find some inner balance soon, I will not live out my natrual life span.  I do not thik i will mention this to Ella, I do not think she is in mind to accept it.  i will just continue to do as I must and hope to live long enough to see her well again.

~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

I recieved a falcon with instructions to meet a Miss Rainwalker, Leaf of the Whitehorn forest.  The letter was signed by Legodia, enough said there.  Miss Rainwalker was there to check up on me and see if I was still a danger or if hopefully I had found my path again.  She asked me what I had learned.  The short of what I told her.  Is that I do not believe in gods, that there is the Al'noth and any use and shape it to their needs. Most call it powers sent by their God when it is the magical life blood of our world and it will answer to any who can call it.  That a Paladin of Toran or a Necromancer calls the same force and shapes it to their own needs, healing or creating undead.  And thus there is no God forces, just ideals.  Thus the followers of gods are really just proclaiming their views in life, an Aeridinite is saying I value life above all, while a Roferien is most concenred with law.  In that regard its the follower that creates the face of their god, and its is as imperfect as they are.

To then put that focus on myself, I now know that I all along was the source of my Shifter powers.  That it was my inante desire to take forms other than my own that allowed me to use the Al'noth to do just that.  And furthermore that it was my fears and ignorance that gave power to the darker voices or impulses that I associated with those forms.  Through what I was told and not told as I was set down my path and continued upon it, I was given doubt enough that a part of the creature came with the form.  Of course now I realize there is no creature, it is all me, the form comes form my ability to use the Al'noth to take the form.  And it makes beautiful sense, why else would an axe appear in my hand when I assumed the form of a Minotaur if it was not for magic?  The Al'noth and fear alone are powerful forces but when I allowed them to work together, well the results are now documented.

Well she appeared to of heard what she was looking for, the very short of it being, it was my soul alone that inhabits my forms and no other.  She then told me I was lucky the Council had given me a second chance and that there was no such thing as a third.  She then removed the amulet locking my powers and handed me back the amulet.  She then told me if I ever needed her guidance to seek her out and to not dissapoint the Coucil.

In the days since then I have come to familiarize myself with my forms again.  And the first time I took the shape of the Minotaur and later the Drider, there was a bit of trepidation for me.  But when I assumed each, there was silence, no dark voice whispering secrets of rage or destruction.  I knew that was what it was suppose to be, but each time I let of a sigh of relief.  It seems my forms and I are one as we always should of been.

I have put myself to use again since then.  Hunting in Storan's and killing creatures of Chaos that gather in too large of numbers.  I even went to a newly discovered cave in the Silkwood overfilled with spiders, to such numbers the woods aroudn it could never support their numbers.  My party made it to the bottom and we killed hundreds of them.  Sadly I know there were easily twice that number in the caves we did not cross paths with.  This cave hopefully will be kept an eye on by others of my brethren.  I can see it easily leading to the overinfestation of the Silkwood by spiders.

~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

I have kept with my physical training as an Elf.  One thing I have noticed since having my powers unlocked is that all of the training has made a differance.  Granted my better endurance or muscle tone has virtually no effect when I take on most of my forms, as I create the body in its own strengths.  But the parts that carries over that I do appreacite it the confidence that such trianing has given me as well as the clearer and quicker mind, especially in a fight.  The meditation I also still find very valuable.  Since leaving my confinement I have continued to work on my meditation techinque and believe I have found a way for it to satisfy me.  When I meditate now, I look inward at first, feeling and finding my inner balance, putting myself mind and spirit in order.  I then turn the focus outward and find my place in the world around me.  To listen to the forces of the world, the call of nature and to try to discern how I can help protect it all.  I do not knwo if this makes sense, but I center myself and look to find my place in the world.  I will continue the practices I started in my rebirth. I still will look for a wandering master, to see if he can set me further on the path.  But I also know I will not spend years inside a monestary.  

I recently visited one what helping return to balance two swords that by their natures risk the balance.  One a sword of great peace and defense the other one of anger and rage.  When I was in the monestary I got to see some of the life of a Monk.  Part sof it had great appeal to me, the structure, the regiment, the order of everything.  But nature and worldly balance had very little calling inside the place.  They focus so much on inner balance, I think most do not realise you also need balance with the world arround you to truely gain harmony.  I'd like to think and hopefully find out if some of these wandering masters left because they came to that very conclusion.  That to find true inner balance you must also find your place in the world.  If so then they may understand my dilema.  I wish to seek the order and structure of inner balance but I refuse to forget my place, duties, oath and desires to fullfill my title as a druid.  I will seek out one of these masters and see if such a thing is possible.  If not, then no loss was made for each step I have yet made has only helped me along.  Especially in comming to terms with that it was my fears and falling out of inner balance that lead to my problems.  To serve the nature you must not only know your place in it, but be strong enough of self to do so.

In closing, Zain's time grows very short, if my belief is to be true.  Then his chance will have to come soon.

~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

Alatriel's house construction has been finished.  Our given residence now is in the Port Hempstead fields.  I have went to the neighbors who I spent so much time helping previously and told them if they need any help with crops or their animals, that I am always willing to help.  As long as I am not away on adventure.  I have also offered help if anyone is injured and needs immediate care, while I am not a healer, I will gladly channel the Al'noth to cure their wounds.  I hope this continues to repair the damage I have done to the Druidic name.  I also hope with the help of a Druid, that the crops will be more bountiful and thus less expantion into winlderness areas will be needed.  And lastly, I think I appreciate this in and of itself.  I may even have Ella start a garden.

Omer asked me to attend the Tower Academy first meeting of instructors.  I was not excited about it, but went as a favor for Omer.  The Tower either will be a school for arcane users of the Al'noth or it will be a school for users of the Al'noth.  It seems the founding members are still in discussion.  If its arcane only, then my involvment doe snto matter.  But if it will include druidic magics, somehow I was the only one invited to represent druids.  This is a sad thought given my past.  I have no desire to teach, but I can not pass on an oppurtunity to offer balance to their school that would not otherwise exsist.  For instance I was the only one that questioned wether creation and summoning of undead would be taught.  It seems that their only objection to teaching it was that they are based in Hempstead where it is illegal.  Yes they seriously need some balance to their views.  I am very open for a Druid in my opinion, so I will pick my fights on the important issues, like enabling the creation of undead.  I will make note to the druid cousel in time and confirm their approval of my intentions.  I sent an application and my life will be easier if it is not accepted, but as I said, I can not pass this oppurtunity to offer balance that would not otherwise be represented.

I can not express the joy at having my forms unlocked.  My Shifter powers for the first time are a truely welcome part of me.  I welcome and use the powers I have, knowing that the forms are all me.

Lastly, I think it is time I press Marec for more techinques or excercises.  The ones that he briefly showed me and were so dificult only months before are now easily performed.  I will never make his path at this rate, but as I said it brings me pleasure to perfect even these things he considers mundane.  I do think I would be willing to commit to intense training if i could find a teacher outside of a monestary.

~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

Well I have been puttign this off, but I had a heart to heart with Kalesh.  You can't force a cat do do anything it doesn't want to.  But i think I got my point across.  I asked him to go do the things he has been putting off while adventuring with me, like passing his blood to the next generation of panthers.  It would be a shame if he did not.  But now that he has had a litter, I asked him to spend mroe time with them for the time being and just come play with me when he has time.  We will see how well my friend listens.  His kitties are a beautiful lot.  We will see how it all works out.  But I feel guilty about keeping him from his own life.  I needed my friend through these last few years, but now its time we take care of his needs, or else I would not be as good of a friend to him as he always has been to me.

Ella and I are still having difficulties.  I will write more later when I have the insight. // after the two month long time bubble ends//  For now, i just know she has been hurt so much in the past two years, she had to inact a survival mechanism of sorts and stop carrign as much about as many.

I am in love with my forms, to think I almost let them be the end of me.  Now I can not imagine a week where I do not put their powers to use.  Granted they seem to be best for killing, but this is a violant world.  There are many enemies of nature, many beings of chaos that would tear things down just to do so.  I have recently taken up forays against Giants.  The numbers they have is frightening.

I find the discipline and self realiance I have learned over these last two years to be extremly useful in battle.  I believe the Druid Council had more wisdom then I ever considered at first.  When they told me to learn the abilities of my natural self, to unlock its secrets and respect what it can do.  They sent me off on this exploration of the inner Aerimor that I am so caught up with.  It was with this self-enlightenment and physical appreciation that I have come to terms with what I was, appreciate what I am, and set goals for the future.  I no do not fear what I could do, but look forward to what I can do.  It was in seeking to perfect the me that is Aerimor, that I have come to embrace my Shifter powers.  It was in balancing my self that I have ben able to pick up the mantle of druid and be an asset to the oaths and codes I believe in.  In short this is a thanks to the wisdom I did no grasp at the time I was set in motion on this path.

And this is but one reason I would be willing to represent the Council concerns with the Tower Academy if they asked me.  But after some self searching, I have decided that if they leave it to me alone.  I will decline the offer presented by the Tower Academy.  We must pick our battles and if I am fighting this one alone, I do not believe it the best use of my time and abilities.  In anycase I have not yet met with Leaf Rainwater, for her to present the siutation to the Council and see if they have an opinion.

If I could just help Alatriel find her balance again, I think life everything would be well on track.  Until then I will be at hand and not tell her what she wants to hear just to appease her.  I will show my love by speaking out for her.  But at current, with the way she reacts when I voice such opinions, I may have a lot of time to practice new exercises and do a lot of running through the woods.  But she is worth every effort.  I miss the old Ella, but I do not think she will be back any more than the old Aerimor.  I just hope she finds her new more balanced self soon, I miss my friend.  I tried to get her to practice meditations, to run or exercise, to plan and set goals.  But she is not like me in that regard, she has no use for such structure. Alas a shame, it has got me throuogh my toughest times, surely it would help her as well.

~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

I have also started relearning the Cant I have forgottten.  It's almost like startign over.  Two years of not using something you just started to learn....well I have much to relearn.  Ella is teachign me some, but for the most part she is not as willing to teach as she use to be.  But I ran into Ben and her givign him lessons in Elven.

In short, I beleive Ben and I will trade lessons, as Ella is not very into teaching at the current.  Unfortunatly Ben seems to think the best way for me to learn would be to go on a job or two with some of his contacts.  I told him that unless it was against giants, gnolls, goblins or the like, I would not be willing to consider it.  He thinks I am stuffy and assures me there are plenty of rich fops deserving to be seperated from their coin.  Sadly, if that is the only way I will really learn, I will have to pass.  Or hire out the contacts and tell them we are going to 'pull a job' in red lights or the like.

Sadly I would love to know the Dark Elven hand code.  But only if those I was with understood it and if I could fidn a non-dark elf teacher.  In short, as useful as it would be, I do not forsee it happening.  So i need to redouble my efforts at this Can't.  I see it as being trmendouly usful on adventures to keep from alerting whole troups of enemies of my or our presence.

~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

Well things have settled into a routine of sorts now.  But I am not pleased by it.  I do not stay in Ella's house for more than a couple days in a row.  As many plants as she has put in it for me, and that fact so much of it is wooden, can not keep me from feeling out of touch with nature if I spend too much time in the dwelling.  I will work on it for Ella, drawing my connection through the walls and feeling apart of the all, but for now, I spend many nights meditating and in reverie in the woods near Hempstead fields.

I have went to see the neighbors again and offered my help, some accept, some do not.  But they all know I am here and willing to assist.  Many remember me from the time around the trial when I poured myself into these fields.

I have had no word from Leaf Rainwalker or Timulty, so the issue of the Tower remains inert.

I already went to visit Kalesh, I did not let him know I was there until near the time I left.  He was pleased to see me and looked well adjusted to a life where Giants to not crush him with clubs.  Every time they did, it broke my heart.  I am glad he has a better life for now.  His kits are quite active and seemed to have gotten his better characteristics.  The mothers is a good looking sleek panther as well, a good union.

With the silence between Ella and I, I have taken up longer runs and walks in the various forests, even Dregard.  And many hours of meditation and reflection.  I know she just needs time to find her balance, but for now thigs are strained as she is overcompinsating.  She is trying too hard not to care or to be hurt.  I know the Old Ella, the one that I thought of as naive, but always stole my breath away will never be back.  But She has to learn to show love again, she has to care in some things and not beare for ever afraid to care.  I understand she will never care for every hard luck case she meets again.  But she has to be willing to live and die for something.  I know she loves me, but she no longer makes me feel it.  Now she is content just doing so and the hell with you if you don't get it or have doubts.  

I am not sure I can help her either, I think the more I try the more she retreats to her shadows.  I will stand by her and fight for her as my heart demands.  I gave my heart to her long ago and it is still in love with her.  But I have worries that things will never work out between us again after my failure.  She still accepts my words, tokens and walks hand in hand.  And occasionally I can pry smiles from her.  But for now that is all there is.  I hope its because she is too focused finding herself, but i fear it is just easier for her to not care more deeply, and thus I am only a sentimental attachment from the past.  A teddy bear that has been outgrown.  One you remember loving, remember sharing everything with, but simply outgrown and do not need to share your troubles with anymore.


I will be around for her, hopefully for always.  Afterall she was the only person that came to visit me in my cell more than once.  The one that kept visiting, the only one that gave me a line to the outside.  Well that is not true, Kalesh came to the woods and let me know he was near, but it was seldom he could sneak close enough that i could see him.  We both know the guards would of killed him on sight if he did not run at first glimpse.  Sidetracked, point being, Ella has sentenced herself to a cell of sorts, and I will not stop being a line to the outside world for her.  I hope she can find her line to walk and learn to express joy in life with more than gem cutting.

I love you always, Alatriel of the Shadows,

~Aerimor LIGHTbringer

P.S.: I hope that remains only curious conincidence, that I am not a light she now will always flee from.

[Aerimor]

Well I have learned to appreciate the meditation room Ella created for me.  When I do meditate there, I can almost forget I am inside.  There are elements of air, earth, fire and water.  There is also pleasing sounds and smells, a vibrancy of life in that room.  She did a remarkable job.  I still would prefer more plants in the house, but at least there is a sanctuary for me inside the walls.

Zain appears to be coming around.  I am trying to get to know him and have him know me, but its slow going.  I also have to be careful about shape changing around him for now, it causes him distress.  He mostly seems to be happy to have some simbulance of normality and seems to appreciate being in Hempstead fields.  He still rarly leaves Ella's side, but he is becoming more confident.  I have hope he will recover, even if he is a human living in a house of elves in the farm lands of humans.  How very strange life can become....

With Zain's balancing, I have seen some subtle changes in Ella.  She is able to show love and kindness to those she already cares about.  I just do not know if and when she will be repaired enough to show such kindnesses to strangers or associates.  I hope when she finds her balance again some of those views and acts will remain with her, but if she can find her way without them, I guess it will be enough.  As long as she continues to love and care for those close to her, it might be enough.  As she was, was unhealthy and would ultimatly of lead to a break in her, but now she at least has a release for such emotions again.  And none more deserving than Zain.

How I would love to see the First put to rest and all of his victims be free of his taint.  What a task for someone to fulfill.  I think they'd have to kill or capture the alpha, take his blood and amke special enchantments for weapons.  Discover the First's identity, location, place and time of creation and kill him there.  I am sure there are special consideration in the fact he is the first and then saying it is so much easier then even starting it.

I continue my efforts to balance my self awakening and feeling my place in the weave of the world.  To find inner strength and confidence, and not loose my ear to nature and my oaths as a druid.  To respect and build myself as an individual and remain humble to my service of nature.  It is a hard path, and one I may not bring to great fruition, but if it ended today and I found no path to follow forward, it has been more than worth the energies.  I have a much greater understanding, belief and confidence in myself and with those fundimental strengths, I feel more in tuned to natures call and have no remaining fears of my shifter powers.  I wonder now, if I unlock further my understanding of the world around me, if I will find greater inner secrets unlocked as well.  And if I find a deeper awakening in my own being, if I will better see the energies of the world around me, and thus be better able to serve.

Musings, always a popular passtime.

~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

It has been a long time since I wrote in this journal.  Was busy with life and never thought of it, until yesterday when I remembered how much I poured into it over the past.  Well lets see if I cna updates things.

Ella is better and worse.  I think she is enjoying life again.  Especially with Zain and myself.  But she admitted she went off with Steel and others to the deep to talk to a Shadow Dragon.  Didn't tel me until it was done and I could not attempt to dissuade her.  I found out in theory it was to get information or alliance to help against the dragon cult.  If that is true, I can not say I wouldn't of gone.  The dragon cult must be stopped.  But the fact she wouldn't tell me before she left...but did now... I don't know.  Guess I'll see if its a pattern of an incident.  If it was but one time occurance, I am noone to judge.  I am expected to forgive her and I will.  She forgave me during my time of crisis afterall.

Zain, he grows so fast.  It amazes me.  Ella has taught him to use the short bow and he excells.  As soon as he is a little larger (a year? two?) we will start him on the long bow.  I have started training him in the short sword and rapier.  Once agian in a year or two, we will try him with a long sword.  I speak to him only in elven during our training, and he can understand intents.  A many years to go before he can speka any passable elven I am afraid.  His body grows faster than his elven.  But he works hard on it and makes improvements.

Zain and I take many trips into the woods, forests, plains, and hills.  We have made a couple trips into the mountians and swamps, but those are far more dangerous and I limit those.  He is a natural for fauna and flora, he can almost name any plant or animal already.  He steps much lighter then his human form would suggest. A few weeks ago I asked Zain if he the life he wanted to lead and asked him he wanted me to train him as a Ranger.  I believe I could set him well on course and teach him that Ranger is not just a a fighter who lives in the woods.  But a protector of plant an animal, friend of nature and force against undeath and abominations. Zain said it was his dream of dreams.

Since then we have increased our forays, weapon training, and encounters with those creatures that harm nature.  I have taught him of his more common enemies, goblins, gnolls, giants.  I have allowed him to assist with a bow while I broke up some camps of the frist two, that had overstayed their welcome in the forests.  He did well in the face of conflict, even if I insisted it remain at bows range.  I have taught him to care for animals and read their postures, movments and warnings for what they are.  I have shown him the cruelties inflicted by woodsmen's traps and how an animal caught in one dies of infection or blood loss over days.  I had him return one such unfortunate creature to cycle when we found it.  then we hunted down all the other traps and destroyed them.  Finally making a conforntation with the hunter who set them.  I made it clear that if he did not find a more effective trap, that did not torture an animal to death, or learn to hunt with more conventional means, he would end up in one of his own iron toothed traps before weeks end.

I believe it important for Zain to see that force is needed, and a determination if one is to serve nature.  Nature is beautiful and wonderous, but it is also cold and deadly.  To off set the tone of that encounter we went to visit Kalesh and his kittens.  They have shot up as well over the last few months.  Zain was beside himself with the pleasure of wrestling and playing with the little ones, which Kalesh and his mate gave approval for.  I think he formed a particularly strong bond with the one with a bit of a grey spot on its left ear.  Yes Zain has potential, I could even see him going beyond the limited calling of a Ranger and becoming a Druid.  Time will tell.  For now I see him will matched for Ranger and beleive he has Ella's natural grace for stealth and shadows.  If he followed in both our path would he be the first Shadow-Stalker?

As for myself. I am at an impasse in my personal trainings.  I guess I am fine with that.  I am happier and more centered for it.  But I just can not help feeling that with training I could find a new level of tranquility and inner balance.  And truth is, I feel commited to try my hand.  The Druid Counsel member did all but tell me to find help outside of Druidic channels and find the my inner balance and my corner stone of strength for my years to come.  I think he hopes I will rebuild, and remove all cracks from my foundation, tha ti may be counted upon and sent to where they could use my abilities in faith I could handle myself.  And I so wish to prove myself to them, to show i was worthy of the second chane they afforded me.  I believe it my duty to do as any member of the counsel says, for they are wise in yet ways I am not. I will look once more for a wandering master to help me learn to find my strongest foundation of soul and rebuild everything I know back upon it.  If I could accomplish this, I believe my debt to the counsel would be paid in full.  And then I could seek paths of my own chosing, find my own course again.  

I have mastered new forms, and strengthed my magics.  My favored new form is that of a dire tiger, ella is happy...I am kitty again.

Life is good, Zain is a wonder.  And I love Ella more than I know how to express.  I hope her secret was just an incident.

~Aerimor

P.S.: Zain has been helping me recover the humor I lost while imprisoned and grow it further.  He says I am a real stiff at times.  I see the humor in puns, but it is slow going on the other fronts.

Opehlia told me if I crossed paths with someone I did not like and they would not cease communications I am to say the following:  If I wanted to hear from an Arse, I'd of farted.  She says this is _funny_.  I lack seeing how comparing someone that will not cease chatter to a fart is humorous, but I said I would try it out. Personally I think something along the lines of: Stop talking or I will try to fit my buckler into your mouth, is far more effective.  And the image of a buckler in someones mouth... that has potential for humor.

[Aerimor]

Zain continues to grow straight and true.  The pace at which he learns and develops is very remarkable.  The Elven tounge still gives him difficulties, but that is becoming the only thing.  Anything I teach him he absorbs.  And he is beging to ask questions of greater magnitude, humans are very intriguing.  I am becoming quite proud of this one.  Zain is very quiet and reserved on the whole, but he also takes pleasure in helping me with becoming more humorable.  I take well to the puns, naturally, it was my main stay of humour before my incaseration.  With his suggestions Ihave opened them up to more mundane things and thus their apeal, so I am told.  I have also taken to assinging personic qualities to objects and creatures which they do not approperatily coralate with.  This i have begun to find out _can_ be amusing.  I still do not grasp the humor of a 'knock knock' joke however.  I fail to see why this brand of humor has any appeal.  Orange you glad I did't say bannana? Yes i am, but why does that elict a chuckle?



Ella I still think of as a strong ship with a practiced crew lost at sea.  She has everything she needs to succeed and accomplish her goals. Except just that, a goal.  Her ship so to speak need to find her course again.  I believe she is listless.  I attempt to get her involved in things, anything.  But she only seems interested in Zain, myself and the shadows.  And at times she pulls away from me claiming to not want to listen to another senless lecture of why they system of law should be fixed or on how everything comes and goes in cycle.  I think at some point we will end up with a real argument, it will be over something she still believes strongly in.  I hope when that time comes wether it is with me or not, that she finds course and direction again.  That she realizes its okay to feel for things again, new things.  That she should care about just more than zain, gala and myself.  But I hold true to my beliefs, balance will eventually find her again, and the cycle will turn.  She will find something worth living and dying for.  I do love her with all my heart.  As a Sun Elf I did not set begin with any notion of marrying for love, but out of duty, tradition and respect.  Now I am with one I love to such degrees that I do not ask her to marry.  I kow that it is not what she wants, she prefers the unspecifically agreed upon comitment and bond.  This is acceptable by me, I am very fortunate to be with her in an undocumented union of love and balance then to be in a marriage of unrealised balance and love.  We are well matched, what she lacks in direction, I have in abundance.  What I lack in impulse and free spirit, she more than possesses in quantity.

I wonder if my parents will ever accept her and thus me again.  They are bound so much by tradition that they only see her blood line and not our hapiness and partnership.  I still hold faith they will come to acceptance of Ella and I.  I do not think they will ever come to aprove of their human grandchild however.  At least not in his life time.

I have seen many new things and fought a great number of evils.  Planar liches among them. My innate powers of the shifter continue to grow.  No longer am I the frail elf that first came to Mistone.  I continue to look inward and seek inner balance. To tap into the wisdom of the world around me and to see with new eyes.   To feel for branches of my powers that as of yet have not been realised.  Recently I do feel those branches of my abilities out there, some available to me, some just out of reach.  As I realise what these branches represent I must determine where to apply my focus.  For now, i will continue to take the safe path.  I will do as instructed by the counsel and double my efforts to master my control on my powers.  I will return my focus to the basics, so to speak.  I will see if i can strengthen my powers on the forms I first learned to take.  To know them in and out, to demonstrate to the counsel that I control my powers completly.  And then, i hope, if time of need comes to be, they wil not hesitate on assigning me where I can help the most.  

Some of the new paths i feel in my powers, while tempting, I believe would leave the wrong impression with the counsel.  So for now at least I will pass them by.  one such example being, after fighting so many, I believe i could take the form of a vampire.  As with all my forms, it would be in body only, never again in mind.  Think of the ways such a form could be put to use serving nature and balance.  Namely, it would be immensly useful in destroying undead.  I would be immune to their gazes, touches, and death magics.  Maybe in the future, but for now as stated I will work on mastering what I already know.  I think this would leave the most favorable impression with the counsel.  And I am bound to fulfill their decreement and sentence upon me.  I do believe trying to master the form of a dragon is well beyond me, so I will focus on the forms I was next able to assume.  that of the Gargoyle, Harpy and Minotaur.  Minotaur, the form that rose to the top that day the chaos with Jaelle broke out.  Yes, i think this will be an approperiate place to restart and focus.

Now that I have a specific goal set, I will attempt to strengthen my powers, will and understanding of how the Al'noth flows through me.  I will make a few treks in the comming months to places of peace and balance, places where communing with nature and opening my mind and powers will be easier.  

Success or temporary set back,  I will write again before too many moths pass.

~Aerimor

[Aerimor]

Took care of business today. I meant to take care of it for a while.  I have signed Altariel as co-owner of the house.  Apparently during construction since I filed the paperwork with the city the house was put into my name.  I always meant for it to be in Ella's name.  It was to be a house for Alatriel and Zain.  In any case she is no listed as co-owner.  I also distributed my will with the City of Hempstead, the correct offices in Voltrex and an Uncle there who I trust to not mention it unless it becomes relavent.

I will also leave one here for Alatriel and Zain to have compy of.

I, Aerimor Lightbringer, being of sound mind and body, do hereby declare the following as my last will and testiment, as dated on this day *day/month and year.*

It is my desire that my part of the house in Hempstead Fields in Alatriel and my name be turned over to Alatriel.  In the event that this is not possible, then those rights will fall to Zain of Hempstead Fields.  If he is unable to be located, then all rights are to fall to Verideth Lightbringer and then the rest of the Lightbringer line.


All materials, items, and coins found with my body, located in the Hempstead Fields or contianed within the Bank in my name of entitled by contract or debt to my name or personage is to likewise be transfered in the same order.  Alatriel, Zain, Verideth and thenthe Lightbringer line.  Any materials, items or physical objects located with my parents, brother or other family members are to become legal properties of those persons.

All fees, taxes and debted monies are to be taken from my bank account before distribution if they can be proved legal and unfraudulant.


If any unspecifically addressed questions, possesions, rights or previledges arrise they are to be also transfer in the same line: Alatriel, Zain, Verideth, the Lightbringer line.

Testiment:

Ella, my love for you does not deminish with the passing to cycle.  We will find one another again.  If not in the next incarnation than one soon after.  If something has happened to me before these words are changed, then I know our souls have unconcluded interaction.  And as long as that remains true, they will meet again.  Thank you for being my partner and my balance in this life and even with my passing, life holds many joys and fulfillments for you.  Do not squander them, every manifestation form cycle is given for your soul to grow in at least one specific manner.  If you fail to learn what was meant, you will be returned in your next cycle to try again instead of ascending to the next personal growth.

Zain, my son.  You have taught me many things.  As mentioned to Ella everyone has spiritual goes to achieve in live.  Mine may well of been to love unconditionally of race and form.  To see the soul of the individual.  That seems to be the repeating theme of my lessons.  My path as a shifter, my fall to chaos and return to order, my love for your mother a non Sun Elf.  An dof course my love and appreciation for you my human son.  I do not knwo if we are destined to cross paths in another incarnation.  But I hope that is the case.  but if not, you have filled these last few years with surprise and unexpected joys.  I hope I have been an acceptable father.  For you have been a blessing as a child.  I have learned at least as much from you as I have tought to you.  I beleive that is a rare thing.  Look after your mother, protect the balance and love nature always.  You are a rare person and have much to accomplish.

Verideth my brother, know I went to cycle fulfilled and without chains upon me.  I fulfilled my debts as prescribed by the counsel.  I found my way as a Shifter and look forward to my challenges in his life and the next.  I wish you and Lawl happiness, and hope Father comes around before he allows too many decades to pass.  Live with my love and serve nature always.

Kalesh my oldest friend, i know you can not read and words hold less meaning to you then the voice speaking them.  I however owe you a goodbye.  It pleases me you have your own family and offspring.  That your blood is given to the next generation.  Thank you my friend and may we see each other again in another incarnation.  If I am to be your companion, I would fulfilled and honored.  May I be half as faithful and important as you have been to me.



*current date*

~Aerimor Lightbringer

Husband and partner of Alatriel of the Shadows.
Father of Zain, Protector of Balance
Brother of Verideth the Druid

Leaf of the Great Oak
Shifter