Journal of Alatriel

[Alatriel]

My head and my heart do not seem to agree with each other, but my heart seems to be winning the battle no matter how hard my head struggles and fights against it.  Brian and I, along with Aerimor, Verideth, and few others, went on a small quest to to the dragon isle...

no, I must start before then.  

A rose was slipped into my pack, apparently by Brian.  What is it with men and roses?  I find myself lost on the concept, but I assume it was to be a nice gesture, so I made sure not to crush the petals amongst all of my other belongings, and I shall place it somewhere to dry and keep it next to the other rose I have from Aerimor.  Aerimor has been more tender lately, and has told me on several occaisions that he would be happy to lend an ear should I need someone to confide in, or to help to find my way back to balance.  The problem is, even though I trust Aerimor with my life, and I enjoy his company, I'm not sure that I feel comfortable talking to him about the possibility of love, and that that in itself is now what is causing me to feel out of balance.  I know that he trusts me, and that he would be a good listener, but yet... I don't think he would understand.  He is not even willing to consider the possibility of an attraction betwixt himself and someone other than another Sun Elf, how could he possibly understand the possibility of an attraction of an elf and what he would consider a lesser creature?  

He said he has been listless though, that something is calling him and he cannot seem to find it.  I must remember to ask around to those I know with contacts about anyone who could give him more information on this Shifter idea...  I hope he finds his way.  He seems more and more to be lost in his animal forms, and I fear for him that if he does not find his own balance that he may be lost to those forms just like so many apparently have been lost to the shadows...

Before we set out on our journey to the dragon isles, Brian said that his feelings for Jaelle were no more and that he wanted to get to know me better.  I knew by the look in his eyes what he wanted and it frightened me.  I've never tread this path before and I'm not sure what to expect.  He makes my knees go weak where even the most terrifying monster does not.  How can that possibly be a good thing?  And yet, even through the fear and the unknown I find myself being more free and more and more... myself... than I have ever known.  We talked more after our expedition while waiting for another boat to sail, and the final decision is that I apparently have no will power where my heart is concerned.  I asked him that we take things slowly and I explained to him my fear that my lifetime would extend far beyond his.  I told him that I am not ready to learn what it is like to not be alone only to have to learn once again if something were to happen to him.  He simply said that as "heroes" we never know when our time is up and that we should live life to the fullest until that fateful day... I understand that concept, but it still worries me.  It's like walking across a thin rope over a very very deep gorge, and I'm afraid I could fall at any moment.  He held me while we watched the sun rise, and then traveled back to his house, which I have found myself more and more calling "home."  

I let him stay with me in his bed, rather than making him take his usual place on the couch in the other room, and he held me gently, but when I woke from my reverie I found him sleeping curled up on the floor snoring softly.  I really should insist that he take the bed and I'll take the floor.  I'm more used to it than he is.  

I had told him that I wished to keep our relationship, new as it is, private, and that it is not to be on public display.  He said that he would oblige, but that it was not necessary in the ways of a shadowdancer, that simply because we cast an aura of mystery over our personality and emotions for the world to guess at does not mean that we cease to be ourselves.  Perhaps not, but I feel that if I let my emotions out there for all the world to see while I'm with him, it will be more difficult to lock them away when I need to.  It adds complications that I am not willing to have to fight, especially if it means that one or both of us will end up with our lives on the line because of it.  My private life will remain just that.  Private.  No one needs to see those feelings but him anyways.  I hope that he'll be able to do the same.

[Alatriel]

I don't know what happened... a piece of me was ripped out...

The strange part about it was that it threw me more into my goal.  I spent days walking around, opening myself up to the cool, calm, safe solitude of those shadows and let myself fall away into the haziness of the world around me.  I can still not fully envelop myself in those shadowy tendrils, but I feel as if they are so close, and calling out to me, as if they're calling me home...

Brian accused me of shutting him and everyone else out because of the visit from the soul mother... maybe I was a little, but it was the only way that I could regain some semblance of myself, and the more I shut out, the stronger the pull towards that shadowy plane I've been striving so hard to reach.  I think once we stopped arguing, and i explained, he understood... He should, probably more than anyone else.  I told him that I would need more time, to open myself up to those possibilities, and he agreed.  He would have to, he's been the one helping me get there.  I told himI would come back, and I kissed him quickly before I left him.  I don't know exactly what came over me, but it just felt like something I needed to do.  If I didn't make it back, if something happened and I couldn't return from the shadows, then well, maybe then at least he would have that... and knwo that I care for him.

I spent a few more days in meditation, moving around silently and asking the shadows to come to me.  It still feels so close to me, it's almost within my grasp... like it's just outside my fingertips.  I'm not sure how much time went by.  Time seems to pass differently now somehow...

I found Brian again during my wanderings, amongst a large group of people, most of whom I had never met before.  They called him Daniel, his apparent new name for himself.  Personally, my favorite name of his is his birth name, Elyam.  But I don't think he's ready to claim that truly as his name yet, so I will not burden him with the use of it until he is ready to hear it.  Even still, I accompanied this group of adventureres through the mountains, hunting giants.  My skills in th eart of not being seen must be getting better as I do not recall being hit throughout th eentire foray, and yet still managed to get in some fairly damaging blows.  The others in the group were all very skilled in their respective fields though, and it all went quickly as the giants were dispatched.

When we returned, we sought the others at the campfire near the goblin wastelands, but everyone scattered, leaving myself, Brian, and Elgon, who had already previously determined who Brian really was, even without his mask.  Something about his scent. I wonder if Brian will ever tell Elgon that they are brothers.  

Since Elgon is a druid I asked him about Aerimor's growing issues and he didn't seem to think it was a problem.  He said that if he wants help with it he should talk to the druids council, but as far as shifters go, they are generally outcasts... not necessarily because of the druids, but a self-imposed exile.  I don't know if he'll talk to Aerimor about it, but who knows... maybe ther eis no hope fo rhim.  Maybe this is a normal druid thing.  I guess I just don't know enough about it.

When we left, I brought Brian with me to one of my favorite meditation spots, the small pond on the cliff above Haven City.  I picked a rose that was growing there and gave it to him, since he has now given me two.  He held me and kissed me, and I told him that I did not long to spend wiht him, the call of the shadows is just too great for me righ tnow.  I told him that I would watch over him as he slept, which I did, but as he started to wake up, I slipped away.  I left him a note, though.  I jsut know that soon I'll be able to achieve my goal, I just need to pay more attention... spend more time... the call is so great... I don't know how long I'll be gone this time...

[Alatriel]

I find it very interesting that the more I try to lose myself in the shadows, the more opens up for me to come back to the world at the same time.  I have to admit though, I seem to make more progress with the shadows when Brian... or I guess I can call him Elyam... is not around.  I don't want to tell him, but I think I will have to find another tutor...someone who doesn't distract me this way.  

And as far as his name goes, he completely shocked me by introducing himself to a complete stranger using his birth name... then again, maybe that's why he did.  He wouldn't know the significance of it, whereas I think the entire Angels guild probably would.  I still hope he'll tell his family some day.  I envy the fact that his family is there... so close to him, and all he needs to do is let them know his true identity.  Elgon said to me once that everyone had a family.  He seemed incredulous when I told him that I didn't have one.  I suspect with the family he is used to he probably wouldn't understand.  

Elohanna had her baby finally.  Aerimor and Elyam both thought it was strange that I didn't want to hold the baby at first.  I never had any experience with infants.  Children will always be near to my heart, but they are bigger, less fragile, and I understand when they talk... well, most of the time.  But babies... they're just so incredibly tiny and I don't understand their language.  Aerimor seemed completely in his element with her, and Elohanna was very encouraging.  They convinced me to hold her for a brief moment at first, but it wasn't until the second time I held her, when I was able to sit more comfortably, with the added stability of being near to the floor, that I trully started to understand how wonderful she...Clarisse... was.  Her little fingers and tiny fingernails, and the soft hair on her head... it was amazing.  I can see how it could be addicting to be around something so small and sweet.  

I don't know that I want one... at least not any time soon, but it could be tempting.

[Alatriel]

Laura came back to town.  Aerimor told me around the time when I first met him about someone named Laura that "used to be a vampire" and that she had threatened the Dawnstars somehow and turned Verideth to stone.

Well... it looks as if not only is she still a vampire, but she can walk in the daylight now, and she is still threatening Elohanna, and now Clarisse... and she's using Jaelle to get to them.  If I see Jaelle come even CLOSE to that child she will find an arrow in her throat.

We sat with Elohanna and tried to reassure her and calm her at her house, and we tried to think of a solution, but neither Aerimor, nor I, nor Elohanna seemed to be able to come up with one.  Elyam came in later on, and when he heard what was going on he said he suggested that we go to an orphanage to find a double.  Um... NO!  I refuse to be part of something that would sacrifice some innocent child for the sake of another... just because a child is an orphan doesn't mean that the child's life is forfeit.  I care about what happens to Clarisse... probably more than I ever would've thought... but that doesn't mean I'm willing to let another baby be killed for her.  The idea just made me sick.  I know Elyam didn't like the idea either, and I know it upset him to see that I was sickened by his suggestion... he decided to leave and he said he would come up with another solution.

We sat some more with Elohanna, but she needed her rest, so I decided to show myself out.  When I did, I saw Elyam lying on the ground with blood coming from the back of his head.  I couldn't be angry with him when he was hurt.  Aerimor came out shortly, and when I couldn't get him to wake up, Aerimor used a healing spell on him.  He woke up slowly, but he looked shaky so I took him home and put him to bed.  I stayed with him and watched as he slept, but he slept fitfully, and kept tossing and turning, and quietly calling my name...  I reassured him that I was here, but he didn't seem to hear me.

He's sleeping more soundly now, so I hope that he'll feel better when he awakes.  I can't agree with what he had proposed.  I will never agree with that... but I can agree never to talk about it again...

[Alatriel]

I guess a lot has happened lately... I've been so busy.  I'm not exactly sure where to start...

I found a new teacher who is teaching me to dance in shadows.  Well... sort of a group of them really.  They're entertainers, and they put on a show using their talents, but that is not the only thing they are capable of.  A feisty little halfling named Nighteyes, who apparently is older than I am (and she likes to tell me so frequently) tested me to see if she thought that I was even talented enough to start the training.  There were 4 tests.  

The first test, she made me walk a tightrope.  That may not sound so bad to some, but she had me walk across the rope over the gorge at Warrior Falls...  I did alright though.  I made it about three-quarters of the way across though when I slipped.  I managed to grab the rope as I fell, and I was able to pull myself back up and finish the rest of the way across, but I felt a bit shakey afterward, and my hand burned where I had to grab the rope so quickly.  I think if it weren't for the gloves I was wearing, it might've been worse.  I know I didn't want to fall to the water down below, or even worse... the rocks.  Nighteyes seemed to have absolutely no problem running quickly across the rope both times, and she even said that if the ice continued to form across the rope it would make a good addition for the final act of their show.  I was just glad I wasn't part of the show...

The second test she said was a test of stealth.  She gave me a potion of invisibility, but told me not to use it unless I absolutely needed to... as in life or death.  She told me to sneak past a camp full of trollocs to a cave to find a chest that had a gem inside it.  The chest was trapped, but that was the least of my problems.  On more than one occaision I had to try to distract the trollocs by throwing coins or pebbles away from me and luckily... it seemed to work.  When I made it out of the cave though I didn't see any trollocs... but when I made it back to Nighteyes she was wiping blood from a knife.  She said a few of them got a bit too curious.  Either way, I handed her the potion and the gem, and I think she was pleased with what I had done.

The third test was to see how good my reflexes were.  In their act, one of their mages throws fireballs at one of their dancers and his job is to dodge the fireballs... so they decided to test me with that same performance.  I did alright.  I only missed dodging one... which hurt a lot, singed my cloak and burned my skin... but they gave me a potion that at least took the sting out, even if it didn't heal my cloak.  That I had to repair myself later.

The last test.  They told me there was a nobleman who needed to be "dealt with" because he was threatening to have them run out of town.  They handed me a map and a knife.  I was hesitant to take the knife because I didn't know them all that well, and I didn't know the nobleman at all.  Yeah, I wanted them to train me, but I wasn't sure that if they were going to just go kill people that made things difficult for them if they were the types of people I wanted training me anyways.  I told them that I needed more information, that I never kill lightly, and I had to know more before I made a decision to do as they asked.  If the man was trully evil, I could've done it... but I had no way of knowing that.  Apparently I chose correctly by not going to kill the man... it was only a trick anyway.  The nobleman was actually a friend of theirs and the knife they gave me was a fake- it retracted at the hilt, which Nighteyes I think enjoyed showing me how harmless it was by stabbing herself in the gut... and then laughing.  

But they said that I was ready, and they started to train me.  

The training has been taking up so much of my time, but it has been so worth it as I am able to start manipulating shadows already.  So much of what Brian had told me does not seem to apply here.  I do not have to lock away my emotions.  In fact, when I use my emotions, especially the positive ones, I seem to be more effective in my shadowplay.  They warned me to stay away from anger as it is difficult to control.  Normally this is not a problem for me, but lately... well, I've been a bit angry and hurt... but at least I am able to put that from my mind while I am training.  The new techniques and the progress I can see myself is so thrilling that even though I find myself exhausted by the end of a session, I feel exhilerated.

The anger and hurt I guess stem from Brian.  He had some sort of illness that caused him extreme pain that he didn't tell me about because he figured it wouldn't come up.  Well, it did.  But that isn't even really the issue.  I was concerned about him, but I was preoccupied.  The involvement with him was stunting my progress in dancing.  

Then Laura showed back up into town.  She killed Razeriem as he was attempting to "save" Jaelle... who I'm seriously thinking should be named as Aerimor calls her- Jail.  At least maybe that is where she should be.  Elgon and I had been sitting talking and watching Laura and Jaelle quietly but we both knew that there was nothing that we could do just the two of us, and even not with the other people that were standing close by.  None of them seemed to notice or care who or what she was until Raz died.  Then suddenly everyone wanted to care and was in the mood for blood.  I tried to warn them and tell them to stop and tell them that Jaelle knew what she was and that they could not beat her... they all died.  Laura saw me and turned to me, so I fired off a few shots from my bow and then ran to find the guard.  That stupid guard, Trent, he wouldn't even listen to me.  I think when Laura turned him to stone that one time, she must've done something to his mind as well.

Well, as everyone was recovering from their deaths, they kept talking about they wanted to hunt Laura down and destroy her, and then Brian showed up yelling at them and telling them that he had a plan with Elohanna and that they all needed to just leave it alone and let those who knew what was going on deal with it.  Well, that didn't make them happy, and the men all seemed to want to be the one who was right and bigger and badder... and it was all so stupid.  I wanted to scream, I wanted to leave.  I told Brian I was leaving and he asked me to stay.  So I did... for a bit too long really.  Brian went off to take care of Jaelle... again... and left me to listen to the idiots in town.  Finally I gave up and left.  I went to talk to Razeriem who had gone to hide himself in his gambling once more.  I warned him that Jaelle would only bring him trouble and heartache, and he turned the same on me and said that Brian was only doing the same to me...  I guess he was right.  Nighteyes had asked me to think of a time when I was trully happy.  None of the times with Brian came to mind.  The only thing I could think of was how Elohanna had welcomed me to her home and said that I was as good as family to her... the closest thing I have ever felt to family before since Cam died.  Brian was not a part of it.  He didn't make sense in the equation.  I decided to stay away from Brian for a while.  

I recieved a letter from Elohanna asking me to come at once to her house.  When I got there I found that Brian had still not taken the antidote for his illness and was in pain.  He said he wanted to wait for me to be there so that I could take care of him and so that he could explain to me why he didn't tell me before.  My concern was just turning more to anger on the subject and he actually had the nerve to think that I was angry with him because I was jealous of Jaelle!  Elohanna said that we were not allowed to leave her house until we had settled things, and I calmed down after yelling at him, but I was realizing more and more that my feelings for him were fading.  I was angry with him for not taking care of himself sooner.  I felt as if he was trying to trick me into wanting to stay with him by being sick.  It was an unfair and mean trick.  I was going to try to get Elly to convince him to take his medicine, but then I heard even more disturbing news:

Because of what Brian had told the whole town about there being a plan with Elohanna to hunt down and destroy Laura... Laura now knew of the plan, or at least that there was one.  Elly was furious, and my anger just kept getting worse the more Brian tried to convince us that he was right and that Jaelle was a key point in the plot.  I don't trust her, and I never will, and I have no desire to put the lives of those that I care about in danger by having her involved when she is so close to Laura...

I left.  I didn't see Brian, and I didn't know if he took his antidote, but I knew that Elly would take care of him.  I couldn't do it.  I just didn't have it in me, and I knew I had more training that would take up more time.

I ran into Brian once since then, in Leringard, a city I now feel very uncomfortable in, when I was with Raz.  He wanted me to go and talk with him, but I told him I was with a friend and he left.  I wasn't ready to talk to him then.  Razeriem gave me some good advice on the subject, and I know I'll have to talk to Brian, sooner probably rather than later... Maybe I can ask Elly to stay for support though.

The other thing that has occupied so much of my time lately is Aerimor.  He did something and drank something, and now he has been changing into strange and different forms- at least for him.  When first I saw him changed, Verideth brought me to Folian's Vale and there he was in the form of a small blue dragon.  Apparently he has a hard time sometimes fighting off the urges of his form.  A few days later.. maybe a week?  I don't know.. time seems to run together these days... he was a human woman.  That was just weird.  Then when I went to see him most recently, I watched him change from a human woman to a male drow.  And he was suddenly evil.  I ran because I didn't know if he would do something that he would regret, and he found me later in Ft Llast, and he was Aerimor again.  He said that he could feel the form and it's desire for blood so he was going back to hiding in the vale.  When I saw him again later, he was having occaisional fights with the dark elf form, but it seems that with enough persuasion I could get him to remember himself in there.

I guess that's all that's been going on.  My ability with the shadows is growing, slowly but steadily.  I hope that before too long I'll be able to draw the shadows around me completely.. not just around my hand or my foot...  But I keep practicing... and I have high hopes.

[Alatriel]

I never wanted to hurt him.  I told him the truth, but I could see... he was hurting.  He started to close up, and he actually lied to me... I could tell.  He said he wasn't upset, and that he wasn't angry at me.  I thought that by telling him the truth though, I don't love him... not the way that he wants me to, that he will be better in the long run.  He told me that I didn't understand love, and that even with love things are not perfect, not always easy...  Maybe I don't understand love yet, but it's not the way I feel for him.  I worry about him.  I hope that he won't do something to get himself hurt.  Then I'm not sure I could forgive myself, even if I do still think I did what was right...

[Alatriel]

My training progresses.  I find myself putting in more hours than I even thought I would... even when not in active training I sometimes find myself still practicing with the shadows.  The progress is there.  I can pull the shadows to my hand fairly easily now, and I can wrap them around most of my arm, but I still lack the control I need.  I was really amazed when I learned I could pull shadows away from the object that cast them so that they were actually separated... of course nothing ever stays for long, but the manipulation is there!  I find myself needing rest more often while working, but I am so excited about these new discoveries that it is all so worth while, even with the fatigue.

I've still been trying to find spare moments to spend with Aerimor, and he has been going through some very very strange changes... but I think things might be a bit different soon.  I hope anyway.

I had to go get Razeriem out of the gambling hall too... He says he's going to go to Voltrex soon.  He says he has a child he has never seen.  I wish him well, but he has been wasting away in that card hall.  I worry about him.  I pulled him away to go fishing with me so that at least he'd have food again.  I swear the man is helpless without me!

[Alatriel]

I found Aerimor again, walking along the road, and he was some spider/dark elf combination... That must've been what Elgon called a drider.  I was startled, but he assured me that he was himself, and we walked on to a meeting he had to go to.  We walked into the woods near the Zainge River, and I actually heard some strange voice on the wind talking to him.  He disappeared into a light, but he at least was transformed back into his elven self first.  I told him I'd wait for him, and I did for a long time.  After some time, the voice spoke to me and told me to "aid him on his path" and then I walked towards a portal that opened for me.  I found Aerimor in a strange place trying to figure out a puzzle.  We tried to think of many different things before finally we decided that there was an actual Path that Aerimor had to walk... and since it was his, he had to forge the path himself once he figured out what the meanings of the things around him were.  After he walked that path, we were in some sacred grove, and there was an old blind woman that talked to him for a while.  I'm not really sure what any of it means, but apparently Aerimor needed my help some how.  He said I helped him, but I was just there trying to be his friend.  

He seems to be more in control now.  He can change into a small dragon of apparently different colors, and he is able to change back to an elf at will.  I must admit I am thrilled to have my friend back.  And as far as I've seen now he does not have the problems controlling the urges of his form.  He doesn't seem threatening anymore.  We fought ogres together, and lions, and it was almost like old times again.  Though he did have fun having me demonstrate my ability to dodge fireballs for him.  He singed me once, but that was after I dodged countless... I suppose it wasn't too bad a showing.  Maybe Toby would be proud.  I don't really know why, but I kissed Aerimor on the cheek before I left him.  I have grown rather fond of him.  He is probably the best friend I've ever had...

Though I've been gone a long time now... I'm not looking forward to what Nighteyes is going to say to me in the morning.  I have no idea how long I was gone with Aerimor.  But, to help a friend, I will listen to her scolding...

[Alatriel]

It's been weeks since I had that talk with Brian.  I haven't seen him or heard from him.  I met his father and another of his brothers though.. the resemblance between the three of them is uncanny.  There is no way they wouldn't be able to know who he is!  Maybe he just never showed them before.  Rain's voice was so similart to Brian's also, it made me sad to know that I've probably lost him forever, if only as a good friend.  I left him a message letting him know that I hope he is well, and I asked Sarah to check in on him for me.  But unfortunately that seems to be all I can do.  I know if he doesn't want to speak to me or see me, or if he doesn't want to be found, he won't...

Aerimor did his best to cheer me up, and he managed to make me feel better for sure.  He tried to dance for me... which with his bad hip, is not the best, and he sang for me, which was much better than his dancing.  Later on though I found that he is a much better dancer as part of a pair than he is on his own.  He said it was because of me, that I was helping him along, but it was a dance that he knew... not me.  Sometimes I wonder if there is a possibility of something more there, but I know what Aerimor's feelings are towards non-sunelves.  So I will be content to know that I have a good friend, who takes care of me when I am sad and lonely, and who seems to delight in making me smile.

[Alatriel]

I actually did it!  Granted it didn't last long at all, but I actually did it!  I actually cloaked myself in shadows!  I can finally see that my training is really paying off.  Now I just have to work on holding that there a little longer... but still... it is really amazing to know that something that I've wanted to do for so long is actually within my reach.

[Alatriel]

My training is complete for now... I've finally managed to be able to dance in shadows like the Veiled Dancers do... so now I am just putting it to use.  I think I will continue to keep in touch with them though, and perhaps they will teach me more over time.  Though, the training schedule is not as gruelling anymore, and I find myself with more time to spend catching up on my thoughts and my friends once again... which has also seemed to produce a few new thoughts and feelings as well.  I've been feeling so different around Aerimor lately, and he has said a few things to me that have made me wonder if perhaps he has been feeling similar thoughts about me, but still... this is very new to me.  I never felt like this with Brian.  With Brian I was still not able to feel completely comfortable, completely relaxed, completely whole.  I'm not sure that I do even feel that way with Aerimor yet either, but with him being my best friend, I feel more normal.  Brian and I were never really friends.  Even though I'd like to be friends with him now if possible.

I asked Elly about it.  Without having a mother or sister, I suppose she's the closest to one I would trust like one... a sister anyway.  And she never treats me like I am naive or immature about these things, so it's easy to talk to her.  She told me I should just tell Aerimor how I feel, but how do you explain to someone that all of a sudden lately your stomach does flip flops and ties in knots when you see him?  That I feel at the same time like I can walk on air, and feel sick at the same time?  It is such a strange feeling, I'm not sure yet if it is wonderful or terrible, and I'm not sure if it is love or not.  The word is still even so strange to me.  As challenging as it was to learn to dance with shadows, this new feeling is even harder to deal with, and impossible to ignore.  I feel like I want to kiss him, or run away and hide, or just enjoy being in his company... so many mixed feelings at the same time, it's dizzying...

I hope he doesn't laugh at me if I ever tell him...

[Alatriel]

Things have been fairly slow lately.  I've been gathering what I can to help Aerimor make bandages and armor and such.  We talked about things... sort of.  He accused me of being a non-committal flirt.  That I flirted with him, but never meant to do anything about it.  I asked him if he flirted with me, and he eventually said that he did.  We finally decided that we would not promote nor prohibit ourselves, and that we would simply let things go where they will.  Neither of us wants to do anything to damage our friendship.  I am happy with this.  I would hate to lose my very best friend.

[Alatriel]

Well, we were able to find a decent use for all the panther cloaks that Aerimor has been making... so at least the panther skins I brought him have not gone to waste.  We donated a lot of them to Omer for the school that he and Elly are starting up.  Hopefully they'll be able to sell them and make a good amount of money to help with their fundraising efforts.  

Verideth left.  He apparently said he can't change enough to remain on Mistone, and is returning to Voltrex, though he decided to bring Leshariel home with him to meet the family... and he thinks he'll most likely be disowned for it.  Honestly, I'm proud of him for that part, but I think it's sad for him that he can't stay in Mistone.  But I guess, whatever he decides it is his own decision.  Aerimor seemed to be a little upset by it, but he seems to be doing alright now.  

Since apparently according to Aerimor, I am more human than elf... even if not in blood... though I admit I don't even know much about human culture except the little bits that I've observed... I am attempting to learn what elven society would expect of me if I should ever go to Voltrex.  I don't know if I hope to actually impress his parents at all.  The prospect of that seems slim if at all.  But it would be nice not to get thrown out of their house because of my lack of knowledge of the so-called "finer" behaviors of elven culture.  I even bought a dress.  It doesn't feel natural to me at all.  Such a waste of fabric and so cumbersome!  I don't know how elven women or any women really wear those things all the time.  The fabric itself doesn't feel bad... there's just so much of it!  Though apparently all the men I know are too much in shock to see me in a dress.  I think I nearly rendered Elgon speechless.  In hindsight it was actually a bit amusing, but I was so self-conscious the whole time at first.  I've never worried about getting dirty, or heck, bloody, in whatever I was wearing before.  Then suddenly I was worried that if I ran through the cotton fields while it was raining, I would get mud all over my hem... what the heck?  

I am desperately trying to keep my distance with Aerimor though... ok, maybe not exactly, but I don't know who would be more scared of a deeper relationship, me or him?  I can't help flirting with him.  I love playing with his ears, and teasing him, and I love the attention he provides me with.  I don't think I'm necessarily trying to change to be a "better elf" to impress him... I really don't think there is much wrong with me the way that I am.  But I have decided that perhaps learning to blend in and pass as something other than an orphaned Wild Elf who has no knowledge of anything but hunting, fishing, sneaking and the outdoors is a different kind of stealth.  If I can fool a society of elves that I am one of them, perhaps I am a very good sneak after all.  

Though the way he touched me yesterday... He said there was a bug on me... if that was true, that bug can land on me again, so long as he is the one to remove it...

[Alatriel]

I ran into Jaelle the other day.  Something about that woman just makes my blood boil.  After a polite "battle" of words, she came closer to me and whispered that she had taken measures from the beginning to make sure that Elly and Clarisse would be safe from Laura.  I had to think about it for a moment, but I had never heard anything but lies and suddenly I felt an urgency to find Elly to make sure she and the children were safe.  Aerimor and I ran to Ft. Wayfare and knocked on both of her doors, but no answer.  I was worried, and resolved to go back and check later, but Aerimor tried to take my mind off things and teach me another dance.  

Later, after I had rested as best as I could considering my nerves, I went back to see if Elly had returned home.  She was not, but one of the children opened the door for me and let me in.  Elly was nowhere to be found, and the children, all of them, including little Clarisse, were left alone.  That was it.  They found a spare key for me, and I've been taking care of them ever since.  I did go to Aerimor though and ask him for help, since he knows more about raising children than I do... but I'm glad I got in those hours of babysitting for Elly when I did.  

Worried that Elly might be on the run from Laura, I thought it would be safer to disguise myself for the time being since it is near impossible to stay in the house at all times, and I'm glad I had come up with a false name for myself ahead of time.  When I was home alone with the children, a cleric of Aeridin came knocking on the door... Harris Lightseeker was his name.  He demanded I tell him where Miss Dawnstar was.  I told him truthfully that I didn't know where Mrs. Dawnstar was, but he didn't seem to believe me.  He kept drawing out his warhammer, and even had the gaul to try to get little Auhry to come over and play with it.  I had to continually ask him to put the weapons away and leave the children alone.  He asked me my full name, which I told him, thankfully rehearsed, was Emma Lightfoot.  He threatened to seize control of the house and all inside it if I did not cooperate, but thankfully Aerimor had come back by then and distracted him a bit.  He drew his weapon again when he came in, claiming he thought he had something to fear from him, which I told him that I did not... but that he, the cleric, was a different matter since he continually drew his weapon inside the house.  He said that he would bring Aerimor in for questioning of being an undead... which is quite amusing actually, but Aerimor went with him, and apparently was able to diffuse his anger and suspicions once he explained to him that he was a druid.

I knew there was a meeting that Shiff had called.  I was there when he and Elly were talking about it.  I knew Elly wanted Aerimor and I both to be there to be "voices of reason" but with the children, and the unexpected events, I was simply too nervous to leave them alone, lest someone, either Laura or the church of Aeridin decided to come bang on the door.  I left the boys with Nemo, who was beside herself worried, and took Clarisse with me to the Temple of Toran, but when they started speaking of vampires, I just couldn't bare to stay with Clarisse so close to danger.  I brought her back to Nemo again, and told her that I would be back to check on them soon, and went back to the meeting.  I couldn't concentrate on anything being said though.  All I could think was that if something happened to the children while I was gone I would never forgive myself.  I finally told Aerimor that I couldn't do it, and that the children were my first priority.  He stayed at the meeting, which apparently discussed nothing of any real importance, and was all just a waste of time... Except that apparently the old woman that was there was actually Jaelle, and he suspected that the woman in green was actually Elohanna.  He left the meeting when Lightseeker left, I guess to make sure that he did not come back to the house.  

I left Aerimor with Clarisse and the others, and went back to the temple, still hooded and cloaked.  It was Elly... her voice was unmistakeable.  I waited to see if the others would leave, and perhaps get a chance to talk with her, to let her know that the children were safe.  I guess she recognized me, probably from when I had Clarisse before, and she came up and asked me to keep the children safe for her.  I told her I would, as long as it takes.  She hugged me and said thank you.  I never used her name, since it seems you never know who can be listening, and I didn't want her to be given away on my account, but Benjamin Poetr apparently didn't see the same issue.  She ended up removing her hood, but thankfully none there wished to harm her.  She explained that the church wanted her for trying to stop them from doing something... at least that is what I understood.  Something about urns, and some demon... I think she's going to go and try to talk to the church and have them stop looking for her.  I told Jaelle that she had said before that it was her intention to keep Elly safe.  I told her that I would hold her to that.  Elly said that she believed Jaelle would do so.  I sure hope she is right.  If something does happen to Elly now I will hold Jaelle fully responsible.  But my job is to take care of the children, keep them safe and calm, and if need be, I will move them to a safe location, even if Aerimor and I have to move them to Voltrex.

But the one bright light in this darkness, fear, confusion, and overwhelming exhaustion, is that Aerimor kissed me.  Nothing big by most people's standards... but it's Aerimor.  His kiss sent a chill through my body that I never felt before, not with the hundreds of kisses shared with Brian either.  I was surprised.  I was almost speechless.  It was almost all I could do simply just to go back upstairs to Clarisse.  I only hope he will kiss me again...

[Alatriel]

It's been weeks now that Aerimor and have been staying with the children, and Elly came home last night.  There was a tearful reunion, for many of us, and she decided that she couldn't keep running, and couldn't keep separating herself from her children, for her sake or the sake of the children.  She sent Aerimor and Elgon to get Lightseeker and bring him to the house so that they could settle things, but she wouldn't have to leave again.  

Shortly after, Brian showed up and demanded that I take the children away immediately because Lightseeker was on his way.  I told him no because Elly had sent for him, which seemed to throw his hot temper even more.  I told him that perhaps he should leave.  I was afraid that if he stayed he would make things worse and the last thing we needed was to have someone be killed or attacked in Elly's home where the children were nearby.  Brian said he was leaving, but I know better.  He never leaves, he just hides.  

Lightseeker returned with Aerimor and Elgon and demanded that Elly go with him to North Point to the temple.  Of course Brian started threatening, and Elgon refused to let Elly go, and Aerimor remained quiet and businesslike, but also was resolute in keeping Elly in the house where she wanted to stay.  Finally, though, Elly, because of all the threats going on, decided that there would be no bloodshed in her house, and she would go to the temple at North Point and leave the children again, which Lightseeker said would only take a few days.  I tried to tell Lightseeker that he was harming the children by taking their mother away- he had promised not to harm the children.  Nemo had snuck out of her room and was pleading to go with her mommy, but I was able to convince her to stay because I needed her help to protect Clarisse and the boys.  She was upset, but she did stay.  

I couldn't help myself, it's not fair for her to be able to come home and that the children get to see their mother for only a brief few moments just to have her be taken away again.  I don't know when I have cried like that... my heart felt like it had ripped open.  I've grown to love these children, and I knew that when they got up in the morning, and their mother wasn't there, there would be a lot of tears.  I was right.

I needed Aerimor's comfort through the night, and he stayed by me, but Coreth and Auhry woke up and came into the bedroom as they so often do.  Coreth I suppose since he is still so young has gotten used to Aerimor and I being there and simply just came and snuggled up next to us, but Auhry asked where his mommy went again, and when I told him that she had to leave, but she would be back he started to cry... which started Coreth's tears as well.  We held the boys and calmed them down as best as we could, and after that the rest of the night was uneventful, except for the small breaks in their reveries where their sadness would seep through...

Today it is almost back to what has become a normal routine for us, but everyone is walking around with a broken heart it seems, except for maybe Clarisse.  I'm not sure if she understands what happens. Perhaps it is lucky for her that she is so young.  I hope Elly will be home again soon.  I am doing the best I can, but I am no replacement for their real mother.  Though one day, maybe I will be able to have a family of my own.  I never thought I would actually think I could handle it, but being thrown into this situation, it might actually be possible.  Even moreso if I had someone by my side as wonderful and helpful with children as Aerimor.

[Alatriel]

Well something that started out to be one of the most insulting experiences in my life ended up turning out alright.  Some snotty elf-woman in town was making a remark about my walking through the fountain in hempstead like it was a forest stream.  In my opinion, a forest stream would be not only cleaner, but much prettier.  But she was just so snotty about the whole thing.  I think I overheard her saying at one point about her being of noble blood and pure elf.  Ok, so big deal?  I'm pure-blooded elf as well.  Anyways, when I told Aerimor about it, he decided he was going to go walk through the fountain just to spite her... and he did.  But it spurned a large argument where she called him a disgrace to the sunelves, and mentioned something about she didn't realize that wildelves came into "civilized" cities... Aerimor told her that she was a disgrace to elves in general, and eventually she called Trent over and accused Aerimor of trying to rob her or something, which everyone knew was an outright lie.  So Trent took Aerimor away regardless.  Elly had come over and I begged her to help since Aerimor really hadn't done anything wrong, he was just trying to stick up for me.  Finally after some talking... I can't even remember at this point who said what, or really even what was said, the snotty one told Trent to "let the elf go" and that she dropped all charges.  Oh please... there shouldn't have ever been any charges to begin with!  

Anyways... she came over and apologized and offered to pay him, which is insulting in the very least.  Then she said something to him, and he nodded and walked away without saying anything.  I found him afterward walking senselessly into a wall in an alleyway.  I don't know what she did to him, but I hope for her sake she locks her doors at night and checks the shadows around her when she walks... because if I ever see her again, I'm not sure it isn't in the best interest of everyone else that she no longer exist.

Aerimor went to Trent to report some form of strange happenings because there is no reason that he should've been behaving that way without someone tampering with him, and Trent said that he should not make such accusations against her.  I couldn't take it anymore.  I had been talking to Elly, but when I heard him say that I just lost it.  He talks about the law is the law and other such stupid stuff like that, but if there are supposed to be laws, shouldn't they at least do something to protect people?  Apparently not!  I wanted to give him a piece of my mind but Aerimor put his hand over my mouth and pulled me away.  I guess he thought I'd get arrested or something... yeah like Trent could see me if I didn't want him to... The human is utterly worthless!

Aerimor and I ended up talking outside the city by the pond for a long time and I'm not even sure how it ended up with the conversation that we had, but I guess I told him that I loved him... sort of.  Either way, it ended up being that he needed to go back to Voltrex to figure out who he was and what he wanted.  He said he needed to figure out if he was Aerimor Lightbringer, Aerimor the Sun Elf, or just Aerimor the Druid.  Made me a bit nervous as to what his findings would be.  After the run in with a snobby whatever elf, I know I'm not ready to deal with snobby sunelves...

I spent some time on Elly's couch while he was gone.  I didn't really know what to say, and I was all nerves.  I kept telling myself that if all he wanted when he came back was my friendship I hadn't really lost anything, and it would be ok, but I knew that I was afraid that was what would happen.  I gathered aloe, and walked around in the woods, but I missed his company, even if he was only gone for a few days.  I've grown so accustomed to him being with me in almost everything that being alone feels more lonely than ever.  

But he came back.  I had finished gathering aloe when he came through battling with the Kobolds I had just successfully snuck past.  It was all I could do not to just run up to him and hug him simply for coming back!  But he said he wants to see what more we can have beyond just a simple friendship.  I had hoped he'd say that.  Turns out apparently he's not disowned for it either.  Of course, it's not like we're getting married or anything, so that might still be something of an issue down the road, but for now, he at least isn't worrying so much about what his family would say.  I'm glad.  I would much rather him follow his own heart than do something simply for the sake of a tradition.  Even if that meant he didn't want me, well... I want him to be happy.  The fact that for now he seems to want to be with me just makes things all the better.

[Alatriel]

Not much has been going on in the day to day life lately.  Every now and then I'll teach Ben a few new words in Elvish, but I'm not sure he'll ever really speak more than a few phrases, nor do I really care if he does or not.  He seems to think that I am teaching him for payment in arrows, but since I never really asked for them, I don't really consider them payment.  Mostly, I don't think he needs to be fluent in the language, but if it keeps him from complaining when I teach Aerimor theives' cant, well, that's something right there.  

Things with Aerimor seem to be pretty much back to normal.  We still spend most of our time together, and our friendship has definitely strengthened from our new level of relationship, but the ease in which we are able to be together is still the same, which is wonderful.  The kisses and closeness simply add on to the foundation we had already built up over the few years I've known him now.  

Verideth decided to return from Voltrex, seemingly to find Leshariel, though he hasn't found her yet.  I guess things didn't go so well with the parents for him either, but apparently neither of them were shunned from the family, even if they were frowned upon.  He did seem to be a bit surprised that Aerimor had chosen to be with me, and when I asked him about it he said it was because I had always seemed to want more, while Aerimor remained distant.  Well, I don't know, but I suppose that's really not his business.  When I asked Aerimor about it he simply said that if it was all my doing, then "thank you".  

The snotty noble's name is Lady Saida Rothsford, and apparently, from talking with Jaelle, she is a dangerous enchantress.  Other than the shock that Jaelle and I had a conversation that was civil, almost pleasant, well, I was able to get a bit of good information.  Apparently Saida earned her title through marriage, not from birth, as she was letting people believe.  Her name is actually Saida Peppe'rin, and there are records in Spellguard of when she was on trial apparently.  I've spoken to Elly about it, and Elly seems to want to try to gain her trust and see what her intentions are.  Condidering this woman has now twice controlled people that I've witnessed, and the second time tried to control Treana into forcing me out of the city, with violence if necessary, well, she is a threat.  I don't want to see Elly in danger, but she assures me that she will be fine.

Verideth went and spoke with Saida, and the idiot gave her pretty much his entire family history.  Aerimor was angry because we had just warned him about this woman, and now Aerimor is thinking that his younger sister Elenna might be danger due to Verideth's wide open mouth.  I sure hope not.  The whole thing is stupid.  Why someone would care to make my life miserable is beyond me.  All over me walking through a fountain?  It can't possibly be worth it.

[Alatriel]

It's amazing how much you are aware of how much you love someone when you have to watch them fall in battle...  I've seen Aerimor fall too much lately.  Luckily he still has not had a meeting with the soul mother that I know of.  I hope he never does.  He talks of having a family and saving at least part of the world.  I hope that I can help him on both accounts... just probably not the best time to start a family quite yet.  We never actually talk about it as if it is a real possibility for us anyways... probably for the better.  So many people around us are having children these days.  Elly's Clarisse, and now Ben's wife is having twins.  Though, humans do seem to repopulate like rabbits... and apparently multiples are quite common with them...

I just don't want to have a family and see it ripped apart because we the parents are trying to do some good in the world.  I see what happens to Elly's family simply because she tries to make a difference for the better of the world.  It puts a strain on her, her family, and scares her children.  I'm not sure when the last time she saw Krys was, and I know I wouldn't want to have to be in the same situation as she is.  Knowing that Aerimor and I are different from Elohanna and Krysthalien, well, that's one thing, but would it really stop the same thing from happening to our own children?  And I was raised just fine without a permanent house, but can I do the same for my own children?  Especially if I am out fighting things and trying to help people?  I'm not sure I could do both... it would put my children in danger.  And yet, if it happens... then what do I do?  Do I choose my family over the greater good?  Probably...  But then would my ability to help others cease because my attention is lying elsewhere?  What good would that do?

Perhaps it is best not to worry about such things until the day it becomes an issue.  I suppose there is no need to worry about something that has not, and possibly may never happen...

[Alatriel]

I find myself spending a lot of time slipping in and out of shadows lately.  Sometimes it seems to be easier just to walk around unnoticed when in large groups.  I don't have to speak unless I want to, and I can avoid things better when people don't remember I'm around.  Though it is amusing when I do step out and people seem shocked and say something like "Oh, I didn't see you".  I also find that sometimes when I'm feelin absent-minded I seem to affect the shadows more than intended... I guess maybe my talents are growing.

Aesthir keeps asking a lot of questions.  There's just something I don't trust about him.  I feel no need to provide more information than necessary.  Also, this is strange, but Jaelle and I seem to have come to an understanding.  The animosity is gone.  Verideth and his big mouth with no knowledge keep opening up to anyone and everyone.  I tried to tell Verideth to stop talking about Jaelle and to stay away from Anne Ravenwind because well, Anne is dangerous.  She threatened Elly and her family, and me as well, and Verideth, once again who doesn't have a clue about anything that is going on is always willing to spout off information that most of the time is completely false.  Of course, big surprised, he didn't listen to me, he got upset, and he left.  He always needs to go off and pout whenever anyone says anything he doesn't like.  What an idiot.  And he thinks sun elves are superior to everyone else?  Well, he must be the exception.

Things with Aerimor are still beautiful and we grow closer every day, I think both of us envisioning what kind of a future we might have together.  Though I worry sometimes that his new forms are affecting his personality more than he would like to admit.  He is quicker to anger, and he reacts more strongly against things that used to not affect him at all.  After he's spent a long time in certain forms he has a more difficult time adjusting back to his normal personality.  Most of the time I don't think others see it, but I do.  I hope that his path does not change him into something that neither of us can live with.  I never want to have to fulfill the promise I made to him and silence him if he ever turns completely... If I did, I might as well kill myself as well.

[Alatriel]

I think I need to go find Nighteyes.  I feel like I'm on the verge of something, I just don't know what it is.  Maybe she or one of the others can help me refocus and figure out what it is.  Maybe understand this new power surge I'm starting to feel and help to focus it.  Also, Aerimor apparently went to help some people in a town recently and ran across a shadowdancer named Iana that was a medusa and was turning people to stone for some sort of collection of sorts.  I hate hearing about people who do what I do that are using their powers for evil.  I don't know how she managed to make herself look like an elf instead of a medusa, but that is beyond my powers.  Even still, I've always known that there was a darker side to this ability, but I prefer to use it for defense.  Even still, it is looked at with skepticism and even by some, fear.  I don't know if I will ever change their opinions by my own actions, but I hope to try.