Author Topic: Journal of Alatriel (Read 3469 times)

Alatriel · « **Reply #40 on:** June 27, 2008, 06:37:14 PM »

It really is amazing... you mention to yourself a need to find more instruction, and well... suddenly she appears before you out of shadows. I met the infamous Lalaith Va'lash. I guess one of those ask and ye shall recieve type of moments. She seems to be pretty down to earth. Actually fairly easy to talk to, regardless of how everyone seems to hold her in awe. Another elf, but far more skilled at dancing with shadows than I am, but that is to be expected. She never removed her hood, but then I wouldn't expect her to. She did start to tell me a tale of the Lumbral though. Apparently shadowdancers that were cursed by Bloodstone. Part of the council that sentenced him. She said they were trapped in the sundered lands believed to be sundered by the last Dragon god to leave Layonara. She didn't finish her tale, but she did say that the first time she met them it was by accident, and the second was when they asked her for help. She said they taught her how to stay veiled even from true sight and dragon sight. I asked her if it might be possible that I may learn that some day. She said anything is possible. She told me to seek her out if I got to the point where I could learn no more from Nighteyes. That perhaps by then she would be over the disappointment from training Brian. I can't help but smile at that. I still will go to see Nighteyes if I can find her, but I am very interested in learning more about and from Lalaith...

Alatriel · « **Reply #41 on:** July 05, 2008, 01:29:14 AM »

I just can't win for losing... I try to help people and each and every time I end up getting burned in some way. I'm not sure I can take much more of this... and yet I can't seem to walk away from those in need... no matter how much I should. Maybe I just need to try harder. My heart aches. I need a break.

Alatriel · « **Reply #42 on:** July 06, 2008, 12:59:10 PM »

I guess a lot has happened recently. I'm not sure where to start, so I guess I'll just go and hope I get it all.

Elgon and I had a falling out. I can't blame Jaelle for it, though I wish I could. Razeriem and Jaelle... I guess Jaelle is pregnant, but whether it is Raz's or not, now I'm not so sure. Either way, Razeriem was heartbroken over the loss of Jaelle so I went to her to try to get her to see him, and she refused trying to say that it would be better for him if she did. I think it's a load of bull droppings, and I tried to tell her so. Elgon got upset with me because I wasn't going to be easy on her like everyone else was. She's stronger than that, and I'm not going to baby her. Well, Elgon and I got in an argument, and he said some harsh words to me, calling me cruel, etc. Saying that I was ruining all his efforts to make Jaelle feel better about herself. Whatever... I told Jaelle she should follow her heart to whatever ends and I left. I couldn't take any more insults and accusations from Elgon. A few days later I went with Aerimor and a lot of other people, Elgon included, to help a farmer whose livestock had been being stolen in the middle of the night. We camped out in the barn to see what happened. Elgon transformed into a boar so that he would put himself as bait. Well, it worked sort of, and sort of didn't. He was very badly beaten, almost to death, and even though I was angry with him, I still care about him as a friend and I was not about to stand by and watch him bleed to death. I did what I could to help him, and Aerimor.. or someone else healed him with their magic. He was a bit shaky, but he said he remembered what the beast smelled like, and it had fur. So we followed it, and found a cave. But inside the cave, along with so many decaying bodies and carcasses, was Zain.

He was hurt and unconscious at that point. My heart went out to him, and I decided, even though the others thought it was foolish, that we needed to bring him out of the cave to help him. They kept telling me that he could be the monster. Well, they ended up being right, but Zain is still a little boy. He did transform into a werewolf, and he did attack me. I don't remember much of the attack, but he did not take my life. I guess he ran, and I guess he fought others while he was trying to run away. We found him later, terrified, and he called me Momma, and begged me to help him. Werewolf or no, he is still a child. We sought help, and were directed towards a man named Harigan at the library on Voltrex. Harigan put Zain into some sort of stasis or something. He's not able to change or react. He is still alive, but not responsive. I was angry at Harigan at first. I thought he meant to kill Zain, or to hurt him in some way. He said he wanted to take him to study him to figure out a way to kill his sire, and I refused to let him go without me. I promised him that I'd try to help him and keep him safe.

So I have been doing so for a while now. Harigan kept his word, and I continue to try to keep mine. He said he would not harm Zain, and he would do everything he could to try to save him, but I could not interfere with his methods. Now that I have watched him for some time, I know that his intentions are indeed good, but it is so hard to watch my small little boy go through so much pain... and even harder to watch him transform into such a terrible monster whose only thought is to kill and destroy. The more I watch it the more my heart feels like it is shattering to pieces.

I needed a break, and Zain was safely in stasis for a while, so I went to see Aerimor. After such a long time separated from him, I am not suprised at the night we had under the stars up at the watchtower. My tension was able to melt away for a few hours as I lay with my love. I don't regret the actions of that night. But the consequences might be more than I can handle right now.

We have to kill the werewolf that made Zain. Harigan says it's the only way to save him. I'm trying to get a group together now that is willing to take the risk, and the very slight chance of success... to save my boy... who I have come to think of as my own son.

I told Aerimor I wanted to adopt him if he is cured. He didn't take it well. I feel he is losing his battle with the will of his forms. He had me read his journal. While I was gone, he died twice, both time paying the price to the soul mother. Once again my heart is breaking. My love is losing his battle and I'm losing him in the process. He has never been so cruel to me. And now, by the way that I've been feeling lately, I'm afraid for the possibility of our own child, as well as the child I have come to love as my own. I tried to tell Aerimor that I thought I might be pregnant, but he was so angry that I was worried he might not take it well. He started to say something, but then received a message from Ben asking for help because his wife was in labor.

I don't even really want to get into what happened at the birth. The whole event was terrifying to me. Everyone came through just fine, and I suppose Lee did wonderfully, but there was so much screaming, and so much pain... the thought of having to go through that myself. No, I'm not ready. I knew I wasn't ready. I told Aerimor I wasn't ready, and I tried to prevent it, but with everything that has been going on, I guess I forgot.

Afterward, Aerimor and I went to our spot in Haven, and we talked. I told him what was going on, and he admitted that he was not doing well in keeping his forms in check. He said he would try harder, because he realized that even human children deserve the best, and that he would do what he could to help me raise Zain once we, hopefully, can cure him. When I told him about the possibility of our own child, he seemed more determined to win his internal battle. With his renewed determination, now I'm not sure if it would be better for us to have a child of our own or not. I'm still not ready. I had planned on waiting another century before having children.

Maybe I'm not. Maybe it's just nerves. Maybe it's because I haven't had a decent reverie in weeks. Maybe I feel so tired and ill because my nerves are shot, my heart is broken, and I have to watch those I love be torn apart, quite literally, by internal monsters, again and again and again.

Aerimor said I need to talk to someone who knows how to tell. I'm afraid to. I'm hoping it'll all just be a bad dream. But if it were able to heal Aerimor... would it be so bad?

Alatriel · « **Reply #43 on:** July 07, 2008, 12:42:37 PM »

*Tears stain the page and the handwriting is shaky*

There is no baby. Aerimor is gone. He seemed to be handling it alright, but then he started talking to something that I couldn't see... and then he snapped. He pushed me away and told me to go and then ran off away from me. I found his path of destruction afterward. He killed Elly and Jaelle.

He's not Aerimor anymore. He left me and now all I have is his panther form. He asked me to kill him. He said he doesn't want to hurt anymore. Then he just left, hidden away somewhere inside this large cat.

Oh my head aches... though it is nothing compared to my heart. I tried to drink it away, to numb myself away from this unbearable pain. It came back. Raz... and Jaelle... I remember them, but not much. It's not fair.

or maybe I deserve this. I never should've said I didn't want it. Now it's caused so much trouble. So much hurt for so many people. And I've lost the one I love most.

At least I don't need to walk in the eyes of those who know my failure to Aerimor. If he can hide inside a cat, I can hide inside my shadows.

I just have to save Zain now. He's all I have left.

Alatriel · « **Reply #44 on:** July 09, 2008, 01:58:01 AM »

There is still no sign of Aerimor inside this large cat that continuously follows me around. I know it's him, even if vaguely, in body, but the elf that I love is not there. Jaelle continues to weave her web of trickery. She helped me, almost made believe that perhaps she might have some good in her, and then the next time I saw her she was back to the old evil, heartless Jaelle. I don't know why I keep falling for it. She has everything that I have lost, and yet she refuses to even attempt to appreciate it. I know she wants revenge on Aerimor, but no one believes me when I say that it wasn't him that did those awful things. It's not his fault. It's mine. I knew he was losing control. I made him a promise that I would never let him hurt anyone. I failed. I pushed him to the edge with pain and grief and remorse, and then I let him go. The fault is not with him, it's with me. If they want to kill someone, they will not be killing him without going through me first. But if they really wanted the one responsible, they would be able to stop there. I'd kill myself if I thought it would do any good. They want his blood now. As long as I have life in me, they will not get it.

Verideth says he just needs time. That he hasn't left me. He doesn't understand that the eyes that look up at me are not the eyes of my beloved. The only difference now between Aerimor and Zain is that Zain's other form is pure evil, while Aerimor's other form is relatively harmless. But both are beyond my power alone to save. I've put up a notice for help in the cause to kill the werewolf, but since this unfortunate incident with Aerimor, I'm not even sure that people will be willing to help me.

If Zain dies, or is unable to be saved, my ties to this world will be gone. Aerimor obviously doesn't love me enough to come back to me. My heart is gone, and what is left is an empty aching hole. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Harigan has offered encouraging words, and I keep trying to focus on saving the life of the one I still have hopes of someday trully being my son, even if I have to raise him alone. The few moments I get to be with him when he is awake, although they tear at my heart, or what is left of it, are all I have to look forward to. Someone who still needs me. Someone who still depends on me for something. The only thing I have to live for. If it weren't for the need to be available for people to find me, and to find those that might be willing to help to save him, I would never leave this castle until I can leave with him.

Alatriel · « **Reply #45 on:** July 10, 2008, 11:36:41 AM »

*handwriting is very shaky*

I'm staying with Zain. I'll only leave him so that I can find those who are willing to help to save him. He's all I have now.

Alatriel · « **Reply #46 on:** July 10, 2008, 12:41:41 PM »

Zain seems to have his good days and his bad days. On his good days he is able to talk with me during those brief moments we have together, and I am able to tell him that when this nightmare is over he can come home with me and I will teach him how to use a bow and arrow and how to fish and hunt just like my foster father taught me. He seems to like the idea, even if it is just to imagine that these days of horror and pain will end someday. But on his bad days he is barely able to eat or drink and does nothing but shake and whimper in my arms as I am barely able to comfort him at all.

Nothing compares to the days that are the worst though, when the beast's rage is so prevalent in him that I worry that he will not win this fight, or be able to hold on long enough for us to find a way to save him. I can't fail him. I made him a promise. I failed to keep my last promise, I will do everything in my power to keep this one. If I can't...

Alatriel · « **Reply #47 on:** July 14, 2008, 02:21:31 PM »

I've managed to get a few people willing to gather silver to make the coatings for the weapons of anyone that is willing to go fight this werewolf. There seem to be more willing to offer their help than I expected. I don't know how much we'll need, but I keep trying to gather as much as possible. Even Iradril has offered his time, and even though I am still nervous about him being a dark elf, I cannot manage to turn away help for Zain, from anyone. I finally even saw what Steel looks like under his hood, and now I have no idea what he is. But once again, I cannot turn away help.

I finally had a fight with Aerimor. I just got so angry at him. He's still being so selfish, so hostile, and he's keeping everything to himself. He says he wants to find his balance, but instead all he does is complain about how weak he is now that he is restricted to his elven body. He's totally missing the point. I hit him, I pushed him. Finally I just lost it. He held me while I cried, but still, there was none of his old tenderness that used to be there. I fear I have lost my love forever. I keep trying to reach him, but the more he shuts me out and withstands my efforts the more angry I get with him.

Drexia offered to help him by teaching him some centering meditations, and I hope he'll at least try it. He has refused help by everyone else so far. He said he'd try. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it works.

Alatriel · « **Reply #48 on:** July 15, 2008, 07:30:58 PM »

I'm afraid to leave Zain at the moment, but I know I'll have to just to further the efforts that I've started. Apparently there is a man that is looking for him, saying he is his uncle, but Jaelle said he would not take her hand, which bears a silver ring. Yes. Jaelle. I'm so sick of this woman and her changing her views on whether she is going to help me or hurt me. If I could be rid of the woman forever it would not hurt my feelings. But at least she decided to warn me of this new threat.

I know I've grown so bitter, but I just can't seem to get out of it. Aerimor is still distant, of his own choosing. And Razeriem decided to tell me that I was right all along. He is the father of Jaelle's child. I shouldn't have said what I said to him, and I'm actually surprised he didn't slap me, but I just couldn't help it. I can't be happy for him. Not right now. Maybe some day, but that child that that woman carries eats away at my soul right now.

Shiff died. I should be sad about it, but I am numb. All the world seems to have fallen into darkness again, even though the skies are still light. Perhaps it is not like this for everyone, but my days are bleak. I have little to look forward to, and the few hopes that I do have are so scarred with fear and worry that I am afraid to put too much faith in hoping to see things turn out to a good ending.

I almost got through to Aerimor. I told him that I needed him to try to get himself back together if he ever wanted us to be able to try to have another child some day. I saw one single little spark of something that might've been real emotion, but then he slammed it shut again. Shut me out again completely before he just walked away from me. I'm not sure that we will ever have a child together. I don't think he wants to. Honestly, though I hate to admit it, I am starting to realize that he really doesn't want me back. He may stay around for the few years that I take to raise Zain as my son, but he is nothing but a shell right now, and I do not see him staying with me once his "duty" is fulfilled. My heart will go with him though. I have no use for it without him.

Alatriel · « **Reply #49 on:** July 16, 2008, 01:01:40 PM »

Elgon wants me to go with him to spy on his sister. Apparenly Sil might have started something that Elgon has to stop or turn her in or something. He was being very very secretive about it, and wouldn't give me any further information. He just said he needed a witness just in case.

Also, Aerimor admitted that he still loves me. He just keeps that part of him locked up. So... pretty much, he knows he's hurting me, and he's doing it on purpose. Gee, that's nice.

Alatriel · « **Reply #50 on:** July 28, 2008, 05:41:16 PM »

Aerimor is gone. He turned himself in at Ft. Vehl as per Elly's husband's demands.

I hope seeing him then, and saying goodbye is not the last time I ever see him.

Alatriel · « **Reply #51 on:** August 04, 2008, 01:33:36 PM »

I've been to see Aerimor. I went to see him and talked with him to a while, we talked about a bit of gossip, and then we talked about if he ever gets out of there. I don't want to think about what will happen if the Rofies get to do what they want with him. They'll probably kill him. And I don't think he'd come back to the bindstone after that death.

I went to see Elly. It's her worthless husband that's put Aerimor in there in the first place. Or well, I guess the one who told him to go. He's so upset about Aerimor killing his wife, well, you know what?! I'm upset about it too, but I didn't LEAVE her and the kids for over a year while someone else had to take care of his children. Oh wait, that was Aerimor that took care of his family for him. I guess he doesn't want to remember that part. I know Elly doesn't want Aerimor to be executed. I don't think she even wanted to press charges. She said she'd look into some things. She said she thought something was missing and that things were a bit fuzzy, so she wanted to maybe do some divinations or scrying or whatever it is she does

So then when I went to see Aerimor again, Elly was there. She was really upset about something. Then she tried to say that she thought she was the one who killed Jaelle, not Aerimor. Aer of course wouldn't believe that. I'm not sure I do either, but someone better figure out what the hells happened before Aerimor gets tried for something he might not have done after all.

I tried to convince Aerimor just to leave. He doesn't need to be in there. He's already been tried, and punished, and there is no reason to go through it again. They wouldn't be able to stop him and they wouldn't be able to find him if we got him far enough away from the city. He hates the cities anyways...

He wouldn't go.

Alatriel · « **Reply #52 on:** August 11, 2008, 10:45:50 AM »

Things just don't seem to get much better do they? I met this woman named Kali, and apparently she hates Jaelle as much as I do. Not completely surprised in that, anyone in their right mind would see how much damage that woman can do with a blink of an eye. She did this thing with cards to tell me my future or something. I'm still not exactly sure what it meant. She said that in my past I had balance and either I or someone I cared about had a deep connection to nature. Ok, yeah.. that works. Then she said that my current situation was involved with domestic problems, sometimes meaning infidelity, sometimes infertility. I don't know that the miscarriage really meant infertility or not... but I hope she didn't figure out or know somehow about the time I tried to get back at Aerimor by going to Raz... even if nothing did happen... The third card was a very dark looking card with a tower that was covered in shadows. Not that I have ANY problem with shadows, but generally when I see things like that I assume what OTHER people think, not what I think, and I was afraid maybe it was a bad omen or something. Then she told me it was a Shifter's tower. That was creepy. She said something about it meaning change and the beginning of a new cycle or a start of something new. Mentioning shifter and cycle in the same sentence with me doesn't ever sound good. Aerimor always talks about going to cycle and stuff... that would mean he died and did not return to the bindstone.

Oh, and Raz is probably going to convert over to being a Misty because he thinks that she killed him so that he could save his child from being a vampire. I think he's an idiot but then what do I know? Mist ignores me and Aeridin stole my child before it could take it's first breath. I'm not much for gods, but I'm starting to hate them more and more with each passing day.

Alatriel · « **Reply #53 on:** August 19, 2008, 11:14:00 AM »

Zain's condition is getting worse. We will need to find the creature soon I fear or he won't survive. I received word that the construction on the house that Aerimor and I purchased is ready to get underway and the list of materials needed, so I have something else to occupy my mind while my heart is torn between my two loves who are both in need. I can only hope that if I can get the house moved and fixed that maybe I will finally have my family together... at last, and safe. I went to see Aerimor again, and he said they are finally getting around to setting a date for his trial. I will try to be there, if Zain is stable that day. I can only hope that I will be able to help him in some way. I need him back. I need his strength at my side as I fight for the life of my... hopefully our... son. I just hope that Aeridin didn't take away one child from me only to grant me another and then have him die as well. I can only hope that he isn't that spiteful. I've been without family for too long now. I found one in Aerimor, and he is removed from me now. I only hope that the balance that Aerimor believes in realizes that I am off balance without him, and that they return him to me.

Alatriel · « **Reply #54 on:** August 21, 2008, 03:51:10 PM »

Aerimor is back. After a long trial where we had to stand around and hear everyone's side of things I guess they decided to kill Aerimor and make him take a risk with the soul mother. Surprisingly, she was more merciful than the stupid Rofireinites. I couldn't stick around for the verdict. That healer, Reus or whatever his name was... I swear he must've slept with Jaelle or something. He was asking his god for forgiveness. Probably because he did something so that the so-called truth magic he did on her was bogus and that way she couldn't be punished for telling a lie. I keep saying the laws are stupid and there again is a prime example of why. Stupid people who will change the laws around for anyone they feel like it and then "claim" that they are obeying the law. Yeah, whatever.

Even still, I"m glad he is free again, though things are not at all how they used to be. He keeps trying to get me to go run with him or something. I don't have time for stuff like that anymore. Running doesn't solve Zain's condition. Running doesn't change the past. Running doesn't build the house faster. I don't know how he can seem so calm when things are the way they are. I don't understand how he can sit there and tell me everything will be alright. Things haven't been alright for a long time, and there is no end in sight that I see. At least he's not trying to tell me to have faith though like Elly was. Elly's going to get herself killed for her stupid faith. After all she's been through for Aeridin, I don't see how she can be so blind to realize that her god doesn't care about her unless it's just to care to cause her pain. That's all I've ever seen her get out of her so-called faith. Unlike Aerimor though, I don't think Elly could survive being executed for killing the wench. If she does, well, let's just say Jail better be watching her back for the rest of her life, because I will make sure that she pays over and over again, until her soul does not return again to curse the world with her presence. The world would be better off without her. I may want to kill a child's mother, but then maybe Raz might be a force for good in that kid's life rather than her growing up to be just like her stupid wench of a mother. Maybe I need to talk to Kali. She at least seemed to hate Jaelle as much as I do. I know one thing though. If I were able to succeed in a plan against her there is no way I would have witnesses and I would not feel remorse nor would I feel guilt. And you better believe I would not be stupid enough to hand myself over to the *expletive* Rofies.

Alatriel · « **Reply #55 on:** August 24, 2008, 11:19:11 AM »

The only peace I seem to be able to find is when working with gems... It's as if I can shut out the world while working, and manage to create something beautiful before I can open my eyes to the world once more and the pain and suffering and desolation and bitterness returns. Yes, I know I am bitter. I know that I am no longer the person that I was only a few short years ago. Aerimor is back with me, but things are not the same. I was a fool before, always seeing that things could be good with just the right amount of help. I was wrong. I helped people out when I thought they needed it, and most of the time, that help was either pushed away or taken for granted. When I actually ask for help myself, who comes to my aid? No one. People are all too busy with their own problems to help me out, no matter that I helped them with theirs before no questions asked. Aerimor is trying I guess, but I don't think we know each other anymore. It's like living side by side with a stranger who looks like someone I used to love. I think I still love him, and he assures me that he loves me, probably more than he needs to, but I'm not certain anymore. If I open my heart up it hurts to much. It's better to just keep it closed.

Zain shows no improvement and his good days... I can't remember the last time he had a good day. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I should just go ahead and kill him to save him the rest of his pain. Perhaps when I decided to help and protect him rather than letting him be killed, I was doing him the most harm. I simply wish that I knew that there was a real chance of saving him. If there was, I would still do whatever I could to save him. I promised him. But I fear that if we ever do save him, my heart will be lost. I don't feel love anymore. I guess I can only hope that Aerimor can show him the love that he deserves. Humans don't live that long, and even though I have a good long time to try and feel again, I'm not sure if it will be fast enough to be fair to Zain. Aerimor seems to think that after Zain is cured, and he shows no doubt that he will be cured, that we can all just take a break from the world and things will be just fine again. Now who is the fool? He keeps talking about me like I'm not in the room though, and it annoys me. If you want to talk about me as if I'm not there, well, at least wait until I've pulled the shadows around me so that you THINK I'm not there.

Aerimor seems to have found some sort of religion while he was locked up, though not really. He has decided that there are no gods, that they are just aspects of different things in nature. Well I think there are gods. I just want no part of them. I think they are spiteful and think that we are pawns for them to play with, and I will continue to curse them. Someone has to be responsible for the things that happen here, and if most people want to give the gods credit, then sure, they can bear the blame.

Alatriel · « **Reply #56 on:** August 25, 2008, 08:07:57 AM »

Aerimor and I had a talk. He said he needs to know if I will give him a second chance. If I believe that the two of us have another chance with each other, a chance to be together. I told him I don't know. I couldn't make any promises. I don't want to lose him again, but when I try to think about what we had. What he meant to me... it hurts. I don't want to hurt anymore. He said he still believes that Zain has a chance. That we'll be able to save him. If that chance happens I will of course do everything in my power to save him. I made him that promise, and I will protect him and fight for him until the end. But I need the end to come soon.

Elly found us, and she said she wanted to talk to me. She said that she was sorry and that she knew I was mad at her. I lied and said I wasn't. Apparently I was at least convincing enough. They were both surprised, but they believed me. It's not that I'm just mad at Elly though. I'm mad at Elly, and Aerimor, and Storold, and Tod, and everyone else. I'm mad at the world. I'm mad at myself. I hate Jaelle. I'm mad that this all happened. Elly thinks that I'm upset that the one time Aerimor wanted her to be there for me she wasn't. But what they don't understand is that EVERYONE was either not there, or didn't care.

Except for Elgon. As much as Aerimor blames him. He's probably the only one I don't. Yes, we fought. Yes, we've had our problems, but when it mattered. The only time it mattered. When I needed him, he was there. He was there to call the person I loved to be near me. Aerimor may think that Elgon shares blame in all that has happened, but surprisingly, even to myself, I don't. I don't hate him, I'm not angry with him... he was the one that was there for me.

Alatriel · « **Reply #57 on:** September 18, 2008, 11:20:51 AM »

Well Aerimor and I are still fighting it seems. I've been having talks with Gala, and teaching her a little about what I know about shadows, and she's been letting me talk out some of the things that have happened and try to deal with them, and try to move on a bit. Aerimor doesn't seem to want to accept that. He wants me to go back to being the idiot I used to be who helped everyone and never got anything in return. The idiot who got walked all over because of it. I don't want to go back to being that person. It never got me anywhere. Aerimor thinks that it got me him, that he's fighting against me because he's fighting for me. He says that he loves the person that I was and the person he thinks I can be again. All that tells me is that he never really loved me. I've loved him throughout all his changes. Even when I hated him, I still loved him, and yet, he can't seem to do that for me. He thinks that I've stopped caring. I haven't stopped caring, I've just realized that there are some people who deserve it and many many more that don't.

Alatriel · « **Reply #58 on:** November 12, 2008, 08:17:09 AM »

Wow... I had to dust this thing off since it's been so long I haven't even looked at it. I guess things have been a bit busy. What, with helping Zain learn a few things here and there, and recently going to pay a visit to a Shadow dragon, Shadrixkayl, the Deepening Dark. Oooooh... I wish I could do what that Dragon can do. Aerimor wasn't too thrilled when I finally told him. I don't know what he expected. If I had told him I was going he'd have probably talked me out of it, and it was something I actually wanted to do. He gets mad at me if I don't do stuff, but when I want to do something like this I'm not sure he understands why. Umm... let's see... I fit the description that Steel offered? And then when I found out what we were going to do... of course I was going to go! I think he finally understood when I told him that we were trying to find information on how to defeat the Green Dragon Cult, but with him it's hard sometimes.

Aerimor asked me to go out with him to Wolfswood Forest on an outing. So I figured I might as well. It'd been a while since we've been adventuring together. Mostly because everytime he wants to go out and fight undead, and those vampires are just plain creepy. I can't really seem to hit vital organs to kill something that isn't really quite alive. So turns out he wanted to help the Baroness of Green or whatever her name was. We went and saw a druid who gave us a weird stone. I'm still not really sure what the stone did because it never really seemed to do... well, anything. But we went down into the deep by treewalking, killed some bugs and a really huge leech. We found this place though and there was a couple horses there, a white one and a black one and a mirror and some other thing that was inside some form of barrier. Well Hjalmar, the Mistite that thinks he's a Toranite, kept telling us not to touch anything, so I figured, ok, I'll touch it. I touched the black on. It looked just like the one I saw for a moment while we were down with the Deepening Dark. Nothing happened, I just realized how much I really really really don't like Mistites. Honestly I probably could've killed him if it weren't for that blasted true sight. Watching him look at me even while concealed in shadows only made me hate him more. I still wonder sometimes if I could've killed him, but when I walked away from the horse the actual real desire to kill him went away. I guess it was too much trouble. So he started spouting off on how I shouldn't touch anything, saying things to Aerimor about me being crazy and acting like I was infected or something. Gah!

Aerimor... oh I love that crazy elf. Hjalmar said I was acting like I wanted to kill him so Aerimor dismissed him because I didn't do anything. So while he was trying to figure out what happened to the human... he passed out or something... I figured I'd check out the white horse. So I did. Once again, the Mistite couldn't seem to deal with that. I really do think he must be a Toranite in disguise or something. I don't know about that white one. It was like a contradiction. It felt good, but sooooo very wrong at the same time. I guess it's the same as the black one felt. But at least the black one didn't make me feel sick to my stomach like that white one did. I told them if they were going to get rid of one of them, they should kill the white one. Looking back on it now though it was kind of weird. They were balanced with each other, and even as crazy as things are, balance is generally a good thing. Each one of them had something good about them and something not so good. And I guess the something good and not so good was opposite on each one. I dunno.

So I looked around and they're all freaking out telling me not to touch anything else. Well you know what? I was only there for something interesting to do, and I get tired of people telling me what I can and can't do all the time. There was a big swirly orb in the middle of the room, so I touched that.

After I touched it it was like I was in somebody else's memory. Kind of like a reverie that wasn't mine. I saw a field of the white horses and a mare giving birth. And the sky was dark. And I think Storold was there. I tried to talk but it was garbled like if I wanted to talk to a fish under water. I tried to look for Storold but then I was looking at a huge pile of bodies piled up like wood, and they were burning. All different sorts of races, just dead. I don't know whose memory it was, but I remember them feeling excited crazy happy about the distruction I was watching. I tried to move but I couldn't. Then I heard some singing though. It reminded me of Zain, and Aerimor, and my home. I felt myself pulled away as I went back to look for them. Then I woke up.

Well Annalee was the one that was singing. I never realized she was a bard before. Never really heard her say much of anything before that trip to be honest. But I guess I should be thanking her for taking me out of that swirly thing. She figured out that it was Acacea and Storold that were trapped in there, and she did something with Pyyran to try to get them out the same way that she got me out. I guess it worked. The two horses and the mirror disappeared and the swirly thing went quiet. Aerimor said there was more disturbance but he wasn't sure if it was there or because we were so close to the temple of the dark elf god.

So we went back up the way we came and the old elf that sent us there. Not the Baroness person, but a different old elf. THe on that gave us the rock. I can't remember if I said that before, I guess I'll have to go back and check. He told us what the horses were.

All this stuff about horses reminds me... I went over to Dregar and talked to that rude horse dealer that always treated me like I was some insignificant youngster. Well, he had this horse that I'd talked to before. Yes I know I don't ACTUALLY know how to speak a horse's language, but we kind of understood each other I guess. He had a quiet grace that just sort of fit me. Well I finally convinced the horse dealer to sell me the horse. Of course, then he tried to cheat me and charge me too much for him, but I guilted him into letting me have him for cheaper since he had been so rude so many times before. Shadowflame and I went through a couple... ok, more than a couple names for him, but I do think that he likes his name now. We've been all over Mistone together now. I was right too, he can be so quiet in woods when we travel through that we dont' disturb the birds. Aerimor's glad I made friends with a horse he says, as long as I take care of him. Of course I'll take care of him! Zain seemed to like him too. I've been letting him ride Shadowflame every now and then and we've been out riding together before. Zain's a lot bigger than I am now, but he's really good about being quiet. I know Aerimor doesn't like my parenting style, but Zain and I understand each other. He said he wanted to be a ranger like my father was. I really need to take him over to the Wolfswood company and see what they think, but so far Aerimor's been working with him. He's good with him in spite of being a bit rigid. I think it's just left over from being locked up for so long, but Zain's been working on getting him to relax, and Neanana's even started telling jokes! Granted they're terrible, but they make me and Zain laugh anyways. I do think Aerimor's finally decided to accept Zain truly as his own son, even though he's a human. It makes me glad to know that he does care for him that much. I don't know, maybe we'll try again someday for our own children. In the meantime we've got our hands full.

Gala's still teaching me about Beryl, and I have to admit if she likes my style, I kind of like hers too. I don't plan on going and joining the clergy or anything, but she's alright. I think I'll keep her. She's probably the only god I know of that's not quite so nutty.

Alatriel · « **Reply #59 on:** December 18, 2008, 10:23:43 AM »

Raz came back. He wasn't dead after all.

He came up to me while I was working the fields in front of our house, and took me a bit before I was able to guard myself again. He kissed me. I don't know why, maybe to prove something.

But then a few days later Aerimor came home. He died again. He lost another piece of his soul. He's going to leave me too.

The pain is starting to creep in on me again, and I don't know that I can take it.

I...

I spent the night with Raz.

I didn't mean to. It just sort of happened.

And now I don't know whether I want to tell Aerimor everything, confess everything I've been holding back, or if I want to keep it a secret. It won't happen ever again. If I tell Aerimor, will he just leave me now? Or will he do something stupid and crazy again like the last time I gave him bad news?

I don't know what to do.

But if Raz gets me pregnant I'll have to kill him.