The variegated rose

[ianlazzaro]

I think that I must start to write down my thoughts. Since my injury, I haven't been able to talk with anyone very well, or thoroughly. Perhaps if I get my thoughts off my chest I can think more clearly how my life must be lived. I feel stirrings in my person, and not at all in the places that they used to be.

I remember when my angel came to me, it was a dark and stormy night. I laugh now to think about how cliche it seems, but I remember walking out to the Katherian pier and watching the black line upon the horizon advance and creep nearer. I was entranced by the display of the lightning and thunder, but walked back to the hall before it started to rain.

When I arrived, I found my favorite lover had taken someone new for the evening, so I thought I would let him find her pleasure before we made it a group affair. Slightly disappointed, I poured myself a glass of wine and sat down on a comfy couch. Moments later, a traveler, wet from the rain sits down besides me. Her beauty is stunning and fierce and I think about the storm raging outside.

I smile and offer her my wine. Perhaps it was that I drank more wine than usual, or maybe her beauty intoxicated me, but through the wine and the pleasure I ended up telling this young woman the story of my life. I recounted the details of my injury that I could remember and then my servitude and the man that helped me break the cycle of my life so far. I told her how I traveled to Minstone and found this hall and had spent many, many years perfecting the art of pleasure.

As we lay in each others arms very early in the morning, it became her turn to talk to me. She ran a single finger along my scars from my ear to my bosom. I looked into her eyes and thought that they were the color of a calm sea.

"Rose, you have struggled so much in your lifetime. You could not speak, and were therefor taken advantage of. This made some scars on your soul which you thought that wine and pleasure would heal. I do not think you have yet overcome the adversity that your fate has handed you. I see that you are strong enough to carry on with whatever cards you are dealt, but what will happen if you take the deck into your own hands? Can you truly become strong like the one master had hoped?"

I could feel the tears welling in my eyes. In one night this woman had seen through to my soul and given me pieces of hope to cling to. She wiped the tears out of my eyes and ran her fingers through my hair.

"This place is not a life for you. You will overcome the violence done to your tender spirit and be a strong woman because of your fight."

When I woke in the morning, the storm was gone, and so was she. I debated for days with myself, wondering if what she said could possibly be true. I decided that since I could use the Al'Noth I should try. Not everyone was blessed with that gift. There would always be more lovers to come by and if worse came to worse, the hall would always welcome me back.

[ianlazzaro]

Soon I was prepared to leave the hall. I made up an excuse about traveling to find the lady from the storm. I feared that if they knew the real reason for my departure they would try to keep me at the hall, and even worse, I was terrified that I actually would never leave.

I was in high spirits from the boat ride from Katherian to Mariner's Hold. I had spent the voyage mostly to myself, plotting how I would become great once I found my way. I would excel as a mage and help those wounded like me, perhaps. I think I was able to subdue my cravings for pleasure during the ride, but when we landed my hunger returned.

The first thing I wanted when I left the boat was a drink of wine. I quickly found the hall for the area and felt immediately relaxed once I was surrounded by the close press of people. By my third glass, my inhibitions had been lowered and I craved more pleasure.

I found two men in a corner and sat down to talk with them. The night ended up passing like countless others before, from flirting to the fulfillment of pleasure. I woke up on one lover's chest, more sober than I had been earlier. I found him quietly watching me, smiling in a tender way. I smiled back, but then his words chilled my soul.

"Delicate Rose, you are beautiful. Tonight we have had our pleasure, and you have made the same experience feel brand new. Stay with me, and be my lover, and we can have never ending nights of new experiences. The world will never understand you. Remain in the hall with me and live the desires that are Xeen."

My heart sunk in my chest. I thought about the lady from the storm and how she inspired me. I wanted to find out who I could be when my mind wasn't clouded by drink and lust. I didn't let any of these thought show. I reached up and kissed him gently on the lips.

"I will stay with you forever, and we will bring glory to the Mistress of Pleasure and Pain."

After we were finished and he fell asleep, I ran from the hall. He would be upset in the morning, but I didn't care. That type of thought had been the poison keeping me drugged for too long.

I boarded the next boat to Port Hempstead. My mood was much more subdued on this journey. Instead of grand schemes, I could only think about how I would control my compulsion for pleasure.

[ianlazzaro]

I find myself thinking about the prayer of celebration lately. There is a passage where we wish that everyone would find "eternal joy in fleeting love and pleasure." Perhaps I have become jaded in my time away from the halls, but I wonder how this could possibly be true.

I followed free love for years, but now I find myself empty. The mistress has been cruel to me lately, or perhaps it is me who is punishing myself. After I arrived in Hempstead, I made some promises to myself. First, I promised that I would not be swayed by the allure of wine any longer. All of my decisions would be made with a clear head, and a consciousness unburdened by lust. Unfortunately, this was not as easy as I thought it would be. In the beginning, my hands shook constantly and my head throbbed with a low, relentless pain. I wanted to find pleasure to soothe my pain, but I would not go to the halls where I know I would be tempted to drink.

I tried to resist. I promise I did. There came a time when all I could think about was the anticipation, leading into a sensation of building, followed by the blissful release. I wish it were not so, but pleasure is not as satisfying when one gives it to themselves.

My inability to speak loudly adds another layer of isolation. I find conversing difficult outside the halls, too. In the hall I could walk up to any man or woman and whisper my desires in their ear. If I wanted to be particularly persuasive I could nibble a bit and I have whatever I wanted. Here, though, that did not seem appropriate. I decided to see how people react to me first before I speak to them, producing short, often confusing conversations.

I wonder if I did the right thing with leaving the hall. It is very lonesome here. I miss the pleasure and the company. I miss drinking wine and feeling the wonderful numbness creep over my lips and into my cheeks. Is the inspiration that the lady from the storm gave me worth this loneliness?

[ianlazzaro]

I received a gift. I wish I could say that it was from my goddess, but I don't think she could give such simple, innocent pleasure. I hadn't written about this because at first I thought it might not be real:

It was a day like any other, with the main thoughts going through my head were survival and the denial of pleasure. I was trying to sign to an acquaintance that I had been maimed by the bugs that infest the woods nearby. Luckily I had avoided the soul mother, but I never know when she will be there. Anyways, I was in Hlint, sitting on the bench when a woman walks by. I saw red in her garb, and her body shape told me she was elven. I glanced up as she walked by, but instead of the usual bored disinterest, she was very interested in me. She called me by name, and then bent a bit to look at my neck. I found this odd, as not everyone sees the obvious stripes that run across it, and fewer look in the the first place.

I sat up a bit straighter and tried to catch a glimpse of the woman's face. Suddenly, I recognized her. Long forgotten memories came flooding back to me in a moment. Her name was Ranéwin, and I had known her many, many years ago, before I went to the halls and hid myself away from the world. As we began talking, she reminded me of a mutual friend named Vivian. I felt ashamed for a brief moment. Hers was another treasured friendship whom I had forgotten. The three of us had adventured around, a group of young women, barely more than girls, running from one end of Minstone to the other.

We talked a about the past, and how her life had been. She had many adventures, but also some times that saddened her. My life had been not as one would want to explain, so I tried to focus more on my escape from the imaginary chains that bound me.

We talked and quickly felt like old friends. I think she had lived a very full life while I had been in Kitharin. She was engaged to be married, and so much in love with her fiance. I was interested in her passion about love. She seemed to think this was the key to many problems.

A few weeks later we met again in the square in Hempstead. We chatted a bit with a man named Storold who seemed to be an old friend of hers. After a little while she became a bit restless and then she showed me her house. I was so proud that she had achieved so many things in life. After a tour we went upstairs to a cozy room with lots of pillows. Again, it was like the years had vanished and we talked and talked. Once again, the topic turned to love. She told me about all those that she had loved, and how each person left a bittersweet mark upon her. The more I thought about it, the less I could say that I had been in love. To her, love seemed like a mysterious, mystical thing, absolutely worth the sadness that seemed to invariably come at the end.

Perhaps if I could find this love, I wouldn't need pleasure anymore. Love without pleasure doesn't seem quite right, though, either. Everything is so confusing.