feel free to add on as you see fit...
1) The LAST thing I need is to be calmly listening to some UB-40 albums and be interrupted with a phonecall from my boss, telling me to come in and work extra over the weekend.
2) So let me get this straight... once I listen to more than 6 hours of music, I need to spend 8 hours recharging my phone, during which time it will be out of commission should I ever need to dial 911?
3) It costs more than an X-Box 360 today, and less than a 12-piece chicken combo in less than one year to this very day.
4) An innovative phone design with only one carrier plan is a lot like a wicked I-Mac which can only play Warcraft 3 or any other of the less than 10 decent games released for the OS.
5) I-Pod? what's that, something like my MP3 PLAYER?! Oh yes, I have one of those... cost less than 200 bucks and reads both regular CDs and MP3 files stored on either a DVD or CD disk. Kind of puts a damper on that whopping 8GB of internal memory. Want more GB? Toss in another DVD.
6) It's just another thing to get mugged over. Let them take my cruddy Nokia cellphone with old Gameboy-era LCD graphics. Even though I'm dead, I'll still get the benefit of laughing at them from beyond the grave when they try to pawn it for $1.50 and get denied.
7) If you had told me back in the 80s that my walkman would have a GPS tracker chip in it, I would have made a run for the Army/Navy Store and stocked up on "End of the World" supplies. I look forward to the days when Americans feel comfortable with security implants and tracker chips fitted with cranial bombs to detonate at a police officer's command. It's like reliving "Running Man".
8 ) Video Phones mean that soon everybody will be expected to comb their hair and apply makeup every time they hear their phone ring. Your boss may very well fire you for looking unprofessional when he calls you at 8am on a Saturday to discuss things he *should* have been discussing M-F from 9-5.
9) Employees will now be expected to work 24/7 simply because they can be REACHED 24/7. Soon, unpaid vacations will consist of slightly comfier cubicles and a poster of Hawaii.
10) Without an added option to electrocute or deafen telemarketers on the other end of the line, we haven't really made all that much improvement on telephone design, have we?
11) Like most modern cars, TVs, VCRs, DVD Players and PCs, I fully expect this new model of I-Phone to come equipped with a self-destruct chip calibrated for exactly one day past the purchased warranty plan.
12) Great, now my college buddies have the option of calling my cell and leaving a picture of their privates for me in my voicemail.
13) A cell-phone with an internal computer complex enough to be susceptible to a computer virus doesn't make me feel very secure. This puts a whole new definition to "Spyware"... now a 14-year-old kid with too much time on his hands can accomplish what Nixon did.
14) All this incredible technology to play MP3s, but you still have to pay $1.99 per every 4-second ringtone of music by your favorite band. Priceless.
15) Now telemarketers will just start spamming with video advertisements which cost you, the recipient, more bandwidth towards your next billing statement.
16) An 8gb I-phone costs $600. A comparable cell-phone & 8GB I-Pod sold separately costs around $80. By integrating the exact same technology into one unit, you not only have the added benefit of getting to pay ridiculously more for less, but you stand to lose way more when you accidentally drop your phone in the pool.
17) If I wanted to talk to people face to face, I would leave my house.
18 ) The smaller it gets, the more likely it is to wind up in my dog's stomach.
19) It doesn't even come with a proper microphone for Dictaphone capability! Even my old 512mb flashdrive mp3 player I got for 20 bucks has one of those!
20) Text Messaging? If I really wanted to send my friends a message, I would either leave them a voicemail or email them. Spending 20 minutes trying to navigate a alpha-numeric keyboard with all of 12 buttons just doesn't fit into the equation for me. I know there are people out there who win awards for being able to type out a text message really fast, but those people are freaks... like the people who can solve Rubix cubes in under 30 seconds.
21) The very fact that Apple spends all of its time and money on these stupid I-Pods instead of securing conversion licenses to popular games released on PC ticks me off to no end. What good is a clean, quick operating system powered by supposedly superior hardware if you have to run windows on the darn thing just to play Dawn of War?
22) No matter how wicked the technology of an I-phone is, the games that you buy for them are less fun than even the worse among gameboy's library.
23) I don't see a flash-drive memory card slot anywhere on the device... what were they thinking?!
24) AT&T caller plans range from 60-220 dollars per MONTH.
25) Because of the I-phone, the news sites felt it necessary to keep forcing me to look at pictures of that ugly 17-year-old hacker kid who got paid a luxury car just for switching the call plans. I HATE that kid! He looks like Napolean Dynamite meets Faces of Meth.
26) If I hear one more household appliance coyly hyphenated with an I- again, I will seriously snap. I-Refrigerator, I-Toaster, I-Car, I-Toilet Paper... seriously marketing industry... keep pushing me.
27) AT&T will never impress me with its innovation until they can create a cell-phone that was designed to be Amish Compliant.
28 ) Nobody has yet to create a cell-phone design which doesnt annoying cause my car stereo to buzz or my computer monitor to flicker every time I get an incoming call. Sometimes I don't even need to get a call, it will just be constantly doing this as it pings the communications tower.
29) Can't you do all this and more just by strapping a 20 dollar web-cam to your computer?
30) The I-Phone still cannot play Neverwinter.
31) This device was already introduced less than a year ago. It's called the LG Prada
LG Prada (KE850) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia I will not support blatant thievery.
32) Have you ever received a bill for one of these things?
300-page iPhone bill - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Spare the rain forest. We're screwing over the planet enough already.
33) After all the obnoxious spam emails asking me to purchase an I-Pod, I will never forgive Apple for the upcoming barrage of subsequent I-Phone spammings.
34) It just freaks me out that they spell it iPhone. No dash, not capital I, just iPhone. Once this catches on in the marketplace, the whole world will fire its English teachers and star speaking leetspeak.
35) I am unconvinced that those little SIM-card devices are anything less than a CIA spy-bug. They are simply too small and shiny to be anything else.
36) Whenever I think of Apple, I think of 5.25" Floppies... since that's how long its been since owning an Apple was cool.
37) For some unknown reason, this device is compliant with OS X 10.4, Windows XP & Vista, but NONE of the new 64-bit versions of Windows. Way to step back into the stone age!
38 ) It comes with "widgets" that show stock & weather information. This is in complete violation of the very essence of the widget, which is specifically to be a product which has no definition. Author George S. Kaufman is rolling over in his grave as I type this right now.
39) They claim to be all innovative with the iTunes format of purchasing music... then why is there not a single Moonsorrow or Stratovarius song for download? Oh, but hey... you can download he entire dicography of every single Top-40s pop artists... barf.
40) Touchscreen + Dirty Roommate = Dirty screen.
41) What, no USB port? Oh wait, you can buy the USB dock separately for an extra 50 bucks.
42) The operating system is entitled the "Darwin OS X". This is obviously a sinister, calculated move by secular liberals who hate our Jesus and declare war on our Christmas! Somebody fetch me mine scattergun.
43) 600 bucks and the camera only has 2 megapixels. For 100 bucks you can get an 8 megapixel camera at Best Buy.
44) The voice activated autodialer is a wonderful idea, until you realize said the technology is so spotty that you can ask to dial "Home" and wind up calling your mother, or ask to dial "Pizza" and wind up calling 911.
45) When you start giving household appliances CPUs and integrating them into the world wide web, you are just ASKING for some errant AI like Skynet or HAL to snap and take over the world.
46) Once video phone catches on, party-chat businesses will start discriminating against the hire of large and scary looking women... that's like 99.95% of their workforce! Who would pay 2.99/minute to talk to a chick you can't see if everybody has a video phone?
47) The thing is totally integrated to the internet, yet lacks any kind of a firewall...
48 ) How much do you think Apple will start charging for iPhone antivirus programs once the aforementioned lack of firewall is exploited to its fullest?
49) I can't wait until somebody tries using the touchscreen in Arctic temperatures. Their finger will stick to the screen until they can find some hot coffee to melt it off, and then their 600 dollar iPhone will be ruined.
50) Apple's site says that the battery life "is designed to retain up to 80% of its original capacity after 400 full charge and discharge cycles. In other words, they designed it to die on you so that you WILL have to buy a new battery every year and a half... for 79.99 plus 6.95 shipping & handling.
Beware the mutant, the heretic, the iPhone. Tis truly a beast of Chaos.
