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The spells that just didn't make it . . .
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Topic: The spells that just didn't make it . . . (Read 584 times)
Fatherchaos
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Posts: 494
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The spells that just didn't make it . . .
«
on:
January 29, 2008, 03:05:17 pm »
Planar Binding: Any native outsider who fails a save versus spells is stricken with constipation.
Banishment:The targeted outsider is sent to a remote island without internet access.
Mestil's Acid Breath: New and improved Garlic flavor! Terrorize Vampires and annoy your friends!
Stinking Cloud: Makes the rain smell funny.
Burning Hands: Duration lasts as long as you hold the hot kettle. Those observing must make a fortitude check or start to laugh at you.
Produce Flame: Not for the faint of fart.
Speak like Dead: ARRrrrrgggg, Braaaainsssss. Also comes in Pirate Variant: Arrrrrrr, Rummmmmmm.
Deaf Armor: Protects against all sound based attacks and commands of significant others.
Elemental Shield: The Periodic Table of Elements grants +5 to AC versus students.
Charm non-person: Your chair will like you more, for a time, until it realizes you just abused it to sit down. Then you'll get splinters in retaliation. Has some limited effect also on In-laws and hut to hut salespeople.
Expedious Repeat: Grants the Ability to Say Jinx faster than your childhood chum.
Grease: Canola and Sesame oil variants. Great for Stir Fried Pixies.
Makechange: Converts any easily portable currency into an annoying and plentiful, but equally valuable, array of lesser coinage. If cast on copper those around you are stricken with hideous laughter.
Firefall: This spell has been outlawed and upgraded to feathers. Variant spell allows caster to shoot balls of fiery feathers.
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darkstorme
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Posts: 4648
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Re: The spells that just didn't make it . . .
«
Reply #1 on:
January 29, 2008, 04:46:12 pm »
Bigby's Extended Middle Digit - +10 to Taunt
Detect Dead - "Yup. He's dead."
Magic Missive - Letters appear from the aether and fling themselves at the target.
Blindness-Deafness (self) - Strikes caster blind and deaf. Useful at would-be bard open-stage night at the pub.
Tasha's Hideous Daughter - DC 30 Bluff check or you have to take her to the Prom.
Detect Detect Magic - Determines if the Detect Magic spell has been cast.
Invisibility (Clothes) - Renders the target's clothes invisible. Range: Self.
Bull's Grace - Grants the grace of the bull to the target.
Magic Circle Against Alignment (Personal): Creates a magic circle, centred on the caster, that hedges out individuals of the caster's alignment.
Hold Hand - First base.
Fryerball - Rains chicken soup on the target. Material Component: one chicken.
Evard's Spiked Tentacles of Forced Intrusion -
Wait, what?
Charm Monster - Still in the spellbook, but the original version was a smidge too strong, and embarrassed mages petitioned for a change.
Mice Storm - Squeaky, but not terribly dangerous.
Polymorph Elf - Deemed too limited a spell.
Hold Muenster - Leaves you with a handful of cheese. Not to be sneered at, but Create Food and Water works just as well.
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lonnarin
Game Master
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Re: The spells that just didn't make it . . .
«
Reply #2 on:
January 29, 2008, 04:53:59 pm »
Horrid Quilting: Produces 1d4 Tapestry Golems/lvl
Meatier Swarm: 20d6 collasal bludgeoning damage via cyclone of heavy mutton
Smell Mantle: Absorbs 1d8+8 offensive odors, popular in dwarven lands
Phlegmatic Spray: covers a cone of enemies in a mucousy goo, to a wide variety of effects
Globe of Vulnerability: shrouds the caster in a big globe of light, as if to say "hey archers, look at this guy with no armor!"
Chain Smoking: compells a target to smoke 20d6 cigarettes, with peer pressure damage of 10d6 more to all in the radius
Hold Monster/Person Closely: Paralyzes the enemy fondly with a warm, friendly hug
Wall of Desire: Produces a line of hot elven go-go dancers to divert the enemy's attention
Vampiric Taste: Suddenly everything tastes like a dead person in nice clothes
Protection from Elephants: Just cast it here and viola! I'm saving your life. What do you mean I didn't really cast anything? You don't see any elephants out there, do you?
Gruel Touch: Mess up their fancy clothing with the power of gruel!
Shrew Strike: Unerringly hits the target with an angry rodent
Expeditious Defeat: Increases the enemy's hitroll, hit points and armor class
Magic Gristle: Thwaps the enemy in the head with fatty meat byproducts
Page Armor: Gives a book +4 deflection vs ripping, tearing, smudging and foxears
Mass Cam Massage: Produces 10d6 ethereal hands to give Cam Cutter a relaxing rub
Breath Ward: Produces a minty fresh odor in ones mouth for 1 hour/level
One with the Bland: +4 to put subjects to sleep with vivid tales of one's star trek memorabilia collection
Protection from Malignment: +8 to saves vs. tabloid media portrayal
Lice Storm: infects the scalps of all in 30-foot radius
Shame Strike: produces 2d6 naked baby pictures of the target
Spud Frenzy: enrages 12d6 potatoes to dubious effect
Undeath's Infernal Toe: Curses the target with necromantic athlete's foot
Mass Veal: serves 1d8 +1/level
Raise Bread: for when yeast fails to fluff
Hammer of the Atheists: Nothing happens. Absence of evidence is evidenced as absence.
Negative Energy Ray: Summons a depressed guy named Ray to the party for 1 round/ lvl to totally give off bad vibes and spoil everybody's buzz
Mass Waste: a personal laxative
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Gulnyr
Sr. Member
Posts: 2403
Thanked: 139 times
Re: The spells that just didn't make it . . .
«
Reply #3 on:
January 29, 2008, 05:47:20 pm »
Quote from: darkstorme
Bull's Grace - Grants the grace of the bull to the target.
That
might not be as bad
as you imagine...
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LightlyFrosted
Full Member
Posts: 324
Thanked: 43 times
Re: The spells that just didn't make it . . .
«
Reply #4 on:
January 29, 2008, 07:55:47 pm »
My thoughts on the matter are already clearly public record. ^^
http://forums.layonara.com/just-fun/132982-spells-you-wont-likely-see.html
But this shall doubtless get me thinking.
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ShiffDrgnhrt
Sr. Member
Posts: 4004
Thanked: 189 times
Re: The spells that just didn't make it . . .
«
Reply #5 on:
January 29, 2008, 08:02:56 pm »
Find Nemo - Because if it worked, there would be no movie... (or Character concept!)
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Fatherchaos
Full Member
Posts: 494
Thanked: 10 times
Re: The spells that just didn't make it . . .
«
Reply #6 on:
January 30, 2008, 12:42:55 am »
Fry Nemo - the companion spell to Find Nemo.
Don't forget the cantrips Lemon Zest and Sauce of Choice.
Some nasty spells:
Death Token without error: Immediately teleports you into a solid object next to Soul Mother.
Teleport with Error: Guaranteed not to get you to your destination.
iWin: Summons a massive red button.
Magic Miss-all: Caster becomes completely oblivious to everything.
Bigby's Inlaw's Hand of Forceful Intrustion: Very effective against any locked door or portal of a non blood relative. Not to be mistaken for Bigby's Soliciter Swatter.
Fowl of Doom: The chicken was undercooked, and you feel nauseous.
Mass Fowl: Calculates the volume and density of any edible bird with the correct number of significant digits.
Annoy Planar Ally: Tick off your guardian angel.
Smart-e-pants: +20 Bluff, -30 Charisma and Int.
Bigby's Remote Pie Grab: acquires nearest pie, and a large section of the wall and window it was resting in.
Floating mist: It's not fog! I swear.
Slay Dead: material component: Snake oil.
Tongues: Summons a Mexican dish.
Terrorists Win: Plants a gnomish bomb.
Paste: Negates Grease. Usable as a food substitute with 0 calories.
Tenser's Awkward Extension: Makes target much taller, but with stretched features. If you experience tallness for more than four hours, see a shrink.
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Desicardo
Full Member
Posts: 263
Thanked: 3 times
Re: The spells that just didn't make it . . .
«
Reply #7 on:
January 30, 2008, 01:36:29 am »
Endure elements: +3 save vs. chemistry class
Divine Favor: God get me out of this and I will be good the rest of my life
Summon Creature 1: "Here Rover!"
Summon Creature 2: "Here Kitty Kitty Kitty"
Darkness: "Clap Off"
Eagles Splenda: Use as a sugar substitute
Ultravision: I am sure my mother had this spell when I was a little kid
Clarity: That split second after you realize you just did something really stupid
Searing Light: What you see when you look into the flash on a camera when the picture is taken
Animate Dead: Commonly used by parents when attempting to get children up for school
Inflict serious wounds: What parents threaten if the animate dead spell doesn't work
Freedom of Movement: material component: X-lax
Spell resistance: What parents usually encounter when trying to get their kids to study for a spelling test
Harm: Usually follows immediately after Clarity
Sunbeam: When cast, a mixer or blender immediately appears on the kitchen countertop
Gate: Used by the pets called in Summon Creature 1 and 2 to escape and run away
Energy Drain: Otherwise known by the name 'teenage daughters'
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Fatherchaos
Full Member
Posts: 494
Thanked: 10 times
Re: The spells that just didn't make it . . .
«
Reply #8 on:
January 30, 2008, 01:42:24 am »
There seems to be some sort of evacuation trend in some of these spells. In the words of the Professor: "a bowl movement so strong he won't have any bones left!"
A new discipline of magic perhaps? Certainly brings new meaning to the term "mud mage" to me
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LightlyFrosted
Full Member
Posts: 324
Thanked: 43 times
Re: The spells that just didn't make it . . .
«
Reply #9 on:
January 30, 2008, 02:07:15 am »
Haste Citrus Fruit - The only safe speed-alteration spell for citrus fruits. Otherwise, a lime is a terrible thing to haste.
Solve A Long Argument Very Quickly - Got coupled in with 'Hellball'. Now an epic level spell.
Tasha's Hideous Daughter - Summons 1d6 blind dates.
Undeath to Life - Sort of the opposite to 'undeath to death', but the former undead, instead of falling to the ground in pieces, instead rush off to go and get a retirement plan.
Maxwell's Silver Hammer - Summons both a weapon useful against undead and shapechangers, and the cheeriest song ever written about a serial killer.
Bestow Xurse - Not actually a spell, so much as a typographical error in the manual. You wave your hands about, and say 'Upon you a xurse will last forever, even to the seventh generation!'. Then, while they're trying to figure out what that means, you run away.
Can-Trip - And will!
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