An oldie but a goodie

[Pseudonym]

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. In light of your failure in recent years to nominate a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary):

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side of the road with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience we care not to experience ever again.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans, Kiwis and Aussies will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Aussies first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

[DMOE]

*collapses with laughter*

[Hellblazer]

*wipes some tears from laughing*

oh my oh my

[Stephen_Zuckerman]

John Cleese never gets old.

[gilshem ironstone]

First off, I am sorry for this post.  Sorry, mostly because I am Canadian.

Let me start again.

I am sorry for this post.  Because I am Canadian, I am entirely sorry :

*Leans in to whisper* We play baseball, but we are outside the U.S.  We even won two World Series.
I understand the confusion.  We watch their TV, their movies, we go to their malls to engage in an odd ritual known as "Cross Border Shopping."  We weigh in on their politics.  We support their policies (Mostly because our politicians are what you would call "nancies.")  But there are some small, but key differences.

1. We speak the Queen's English.  We think the British were right to use the French convention of having a "U" after an "O".

2. We play hockey. For those of you following along at home, it is like polo with less horses, but blades on your feet instead... And you are allowed to mash your opponent, often against a wall, while moving at thirty kph.  Which brings me to number three...

3. We use metric... So we get your humour... Which brings me to number four...

4. Some of us are French, also known as Quebecois.  Quebecois don't get English humour.  In fact some of them may want to put English Humour in a small dark hole, never to be seen again.

5. Maple Syrup is our national cuisine.

6. We are nice!

I think those are the key differences.  Thank you so much for giving us our independence.  You are right, talking without lawyers and therapists rules!  And the only good grouse is a dead grouse.  I hope you enjoy ruling the U.S.U.K. (I just came up with that, its yours.) And uh... please consider filling the void of lawyers with perhaps an extra dentist or two.  Sorry.

[Link092]

This is hilarious. *Edits message after trying to type from the floor*

[Hellblazer]

First off, I am sorry for this post.  Sorry, mostly because I am Canadian.


4. Some of us are French, also known as Quebecois.  Quebecois don't get English humour.  In fact some of them may want to put English Humour in a small dark hole, never to be seen again.

*coughs*


What he says???

[Eight-Bit]

I wish I had so many more guns than I do right now.

[gilshem ironstone]

You just have to tap in to your inner gun and you will find everything you need.

[Stephen_Zuckerman]

You just have to tap in to your inner gun and you will find everything you need.

You mean his attorney?

[gilshem ironstone]

You mean his attorney?

Guns and attorneys are interchangeable in the U.S. as they are the two most common dispute settling mechanisms.

[Polak76]

Hehe..nice post.  Made me laugh.  I forgot how good this forum was.
Since we're on Americans, Aussies, Canadians and guns, here is a little something on the topic:

An American, an Australian and a Canadian were sitting in a bar enjoying a few beers.

The American grabbed his Budweiser beer, knocked it back in one gulp, threw the glass into the air, and shot it with his handgun. As he set the gun on the bar, he said to the Australian and the Canadian, “In the great U.S. of A. we have so much money, we never drink out of the same glass twice.”

Next the Australian drank his Fosters beer, threw the glass into the air, and shot the glass with the American’s gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he proclaimed, “In Australia, we have so much sand that glass is cheap, and we too never drink out of the same glass twice.”

Finally, the Canadian drank his Labatts Blue beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian, “In Canada, we have so many Americans, we never have to drink with the same one twice.”

[wisper]

If this means we get the Mighty Boosh and Saxondale instead of Two and a Half Men and Mad TV, I'm all for it.

[Pseudonym]

Long live the Mighty Boosh!
Long live cheese horses!

I've got moves the likes of which you cannot conceive sonny my jimminy.

[gilshem ironstone]

Long live the Mighty Boosh!
Long live cheese horses!

I've got moves the likes of which you cannot conceive sonny my jimminy.

I am not entirely sure what is transpiring right now, but stop it.