Argh, dont touch the cheesy-beefy burrito!

[lonnarin]

On a whim I stopped by Taco Hell today and eyes a new concoction, the Cheesy Beefy Melted Burrito!  The display in the window looked marvelous, like a cornucopia of cheesy beefy goodness.  Golden baked hilltops displaying a veritable valley of beefy cheese.  Then I ate it.

The Cheesy Beefy Melt combines only the best qualities of wet dog food and melted plastic... that starchlike grainy feeling on your teeth minced with all the parts of the cow man was not meant to consume.  It's rice, bean, beef and cheddar filling was omniscient of month old leftover hamburger helper casserole, but the true delight was in the digestion.  When combined with Taco Bell's signature Pepsi soda, the menu item seemed to bubble inside my belly, churning in some form of tribal dance of unity.  The drink slowly started expanding, much like raw rice in a pigeon's gullet... growing and growing until it had nowhere left to go.

Then, in less than 3 minutes time after the final bite, a miracle happened!  I was sent sprinting to the washroom with a loaded colon, ready to send the Beefy Cheesy Melt off unto new adventures with a winding roller coaster ride of pipes and dead sewer rats.  This was truly amazing, as I remember my biology teacher telling us how many meters our small intestines stretched and how it took food at least 4-6 hours to complete the full circuit of digestion.  But lo and behold, it was ready to be launched well before its allotted time was due.  The secret ingredient must be shared with Arbys, as only their melted cheese has such a similar effect!

Needless to say, do skip this menu item.  In fact, I was insane to stop there in the first place!  *starts eating some Tums by the dozen, and feels like throwing up for the rest of the workday*

[ycleption]

I adore Mexican food.
Taco Bell is neither.

[Varka]

LOL! this is one of the best post on layo ever.. hhmm maybe layo should have something like post of the month or post of the year...

[lonnarin]

I adore Mexican food.
Taco Bell is neither.

Here is proof.  I just looked it up on their website tacobell.com

Serving Size: 1 burrito, 234 Grams
Calories: 580
Calories from Fat: 260 (44.82%!)
Total Fat: 29 Grams (45% daily total)
Saturated Fat: 15 Grams (75% daily total)
YES! it also contains Trans Fats!
CHolesterol 75mgs (25%)
Sodium: A whopping 1540 mg!
Carbs: 51 grams
Fiber: 4 grams (so apparantly it wasnt the beans that made it so quick to digest!)
Nutritional Value: 0

Look on the person's face entering to use the bathroom after me: Priceless

[Mooneyes]

I hate most of Taco Bells menu. I just found out that most of the meat they use it mostly fillers.  That did it for me....I hate them.

[Ravemore]

Perhaps a little lactose intolerance to that cheese?? O.o

[lonnarin]

Almost four years later and I still haven't touched Taco Bell since!  I shed about 4 inches and 40 lbs since (in the last year really) then and still have a beerbelly!  At least its smaller than the bloody keg I was hoisting around.  All I eat now are spaghetti, Ramen, tuna sandwiches, veggie soup and the occasional chicago dog or jalapeno bacon burger.  Oh and eggs, lots and lots of egg, toast, bacon & cheese breakfast sandwiches.

Not all that healthy, but cutting beer down to 3 nights/week max has helped much.  Found out I was type II diabetic and decided that my liver needed a break from the poison and the junk food.  Blood sugars are now only slightly elevated and I'm working out 3 nights a week trying to grow huge guns like Kurn.  Something about turning 30 makes you go crunch time on the health spree.

[Stephen_Zuckerman]

I love taco bell, and am immune to its perils.

[gilshem ironstone]

I love taco bell, and am immune to its perils.

You must wear the veneer of the early 20s.  Little do you know, it has a duration.  Its end is coming...

[davidhoff]

My favorite is when they plaster beef/bean on the outside of the hard taco shell "accidentally"...or the bitter taste of something in a simple bean burrito.  I used to eat there alot, but not much at all anymore.  "Let's go to Taco Hell!" (in excited tone)..."Never going back to Taco Hell!" (not so excited after done eating...and repeat a month later.

[Dorganath]

Holy Thread Necromancy, Batman!!!

[miltonyorkcastle]

Something about turning 30 makes you go crunch time on the health spree.

Damnable human aging.

[Chazzler]

His belt is secretly an Encircling Scale one *nods*

You must wear the veneer of the early 20s.  Little do you know, it has a duration.  Its end is coming...

[scifibarbie]

Theres a reason its called 'Toxic Hell'  

[Falonthas]

see the magic ingredient was left out, you have to drink the alcohol before you ingest the taco hell, then it gets the standard 4-6 hours time lag

note you can also substitute taco hell with krystals and jack in the box

[willhoff]

I still think the 4-6 hr rule is working but the Taco Hell secret ingredients are blowing out your system.  Eat some corn on the cob next time with your hell and you'll know for sure

[Stephen_Zuckerman]

see the magic ingredient was left out, you have to drink the alcohol before you ingest the taco hell, then it gets the standard 4-6 hours time lag

note you can also substitute taco hell with krystals and jack in the box

How dare you malign Krystals! Chili cheese fries and a couple of Spicy Chiks... That's heaven.