Heh, lots of funnies...

[ZeroVega]

 >>Dispatcher:  9-1-1 What is your emergency? >>Caller:  I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house  >>on the corner. >>Dispatcher:  Do you have an address? >>Caller:  No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?   >>Dispatcher:  9-1-1 What is your emergency? >>Caller:  Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and  >>cheese sandwich. >>Dispatcher:  Excuse me? >>Caller:  I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and  when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. >>Dispatcher:  Was anything else taken? >>Caller:  No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick  and tired of it   >>Dispatcher:  9-1-1 What is your emergency? >>Caller:  Hi, is this the Police? >>Dispatcher:  This is 9-1-1.  Do you need police assistance? >>Caller:  Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a  >>turkey?  I've never cooked one before.   >>Dispatcher:  9-1-1 Fire or emergency? >>Caller:  Fire, I guess. >>Dispatcher:  How can I help you sir? >>Caller:  I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks? >>Dispatcher:  Yes sir, do you have an emergency? >>Caller:  Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my    tires and... well.. do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me? >>Dispatcher:  Help you what? >>Caller:  Help me get these chains on my car!   >>Dispatcher:  9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? >>Caller:  I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. >>Dispatcher:  This is nine eleven. >>Caller:  I thought you just said it was  nine-one-one >>Dispatcher:  Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. >>Caller:  Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.   >>Dispatcher:  9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency? >>Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart. >>Dispatcher:  Is this her first child? >>Caller:  No, you idiot!  This is her husband!   And the winner is..........  >>Dispatcher:  9-1-1 >>Caller:  Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing.  I'm all out of breath.  Darn....   I think I'm going to pass out. >>Dispatcher:  Sir, where are you calling from? >>Caller:  I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. >>Dispatcher:  Sir, an ambulance is on the way.  Are you an asthmatic? >>Caller:  No >>Dispatcher:  What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? >>Caller:  Running from the Police.
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    > WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ >  > (Passing requires 4 correct answers) >  > 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?     >   > 2) Which country makes Panama hats?  >  > 3)  From which animal do we get catgut? >   > 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? >   > 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? >   > 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? >   > 7) What was King George VI's first name? >   > What color is a purple finch? >   > 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? >   > 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? >   > All done? Check your answers below! >  >  >  >  >  >  >  > ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ >  > 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? > *116 years > 2) Which country makes Panama hats? > * Ecuador > 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? > *Sheep and Horses > 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? > *November > 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?   > *Squirrel fur > 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? > *Dogs > 7) What was King George VI's first name? > *Albert > What color is a purple finch? > *Crimson > 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? > * New Zealand > 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? > * Orange , of course. >  > What do you mean you failed?! > Pass this on to some other brilliant friends
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  Brain Cramps   Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?  Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"  --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.   "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey   "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.   "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.   "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in  the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.   "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas. "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark  "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH)  "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle  "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca   "The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like  Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.   "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."  --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.  "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President   "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."  --Al Gore, VP (damn he's smart)   "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."  --Keppel Enderbery   "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."  --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina   "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they  go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the  next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman   .... Feeling smarter yet?
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  Subject: The Courts  > These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are > things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and > now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm > while these exchanges were actually taking place. > > Q: Are you sexually active? > A: No, I just lie there. > _______________________________ > > Q: What is your date of birth? > A: July 15. > Q: What year? > A: Every year. > ______________________________________ > > Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? > A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. > ______________________________________ > > Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? > A: Yes. > Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? > A: I forget. > Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? > _____________________________________ > > Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? > A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. > Q: How long has he lived with you? > A: Forty-five years. > _____________________________________ > > Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up > that morning? > A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" > Q: And why did that upset you? > A: My name is Susan. > ______________________________________ > > Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? > A: We both do. > Q: Voodoo? > A: We do. > Q: You do? > A: Yes, voodoo. > ______________________________________ > > Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he > doesn't know about it until the next morning? > A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? > ___________________________________ > > Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? > _____________________________________ > > Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? > ______________________________________ > > Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? > A: Yes. > Q: And what were you doing at that time? > ______________________________________ > > Q: She had three children, right? > A: Yes. > Q: How many were boys? > A: None. > Q: Were there any girls? > ______________________________________ > > Q: How was your first marriage terminated? > A: By death. > Q: And by whose death was it terminated? > ______________________________________ > > Q: Can you describe the individual? > A: He was about medium height and had a beard. > Q: Was this a male, or a female? > ______________________________________ > > Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition > notice which I sent to your attorney? > A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. > ______________________________________ > > Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? > A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. > ______________________________________ > > Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? > A: Oral. > ______________________________________ > > Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? > A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. > Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? > A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. > ______________________________________ > > Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? > ______________________________________ > > Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? > A: No. > Q: Did you check for blood pressure? > A: No. > Q: Did you check for breathing? > A: No. > Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began > the autopsy? > A: No. > Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? > A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. > Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? > A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing > law somewhere.
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  The Parrot ==========  David received a parrot for his birthday.  This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.  Every other word was an expletive.  Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.  David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.  Nothing worked.  He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.  For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming, then suddenly there was quiet.  David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.  The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."  David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued:  "May I ask what the chicken did?"
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                              SOME THOUGHTS        * Never take life too seriously.  Nobody gets out alive anyway.        *  Life is sexually transmitted.        *  Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one dies.        *  Give a person a fish and you feed him/her for a day.  Teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.        *  Some people are like Slinkies......not really good for anything, but you can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.        *  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals              dying of nothing.        *  Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.        *  All of us could take a lesson from the weather.  It pays no attention to criticism.          *  Why does a slight tax increase cost $200, and a substantial tax       cut save 30 cents?        *  Does a vegetarian eat animal crackers?        *  In the 60's people took acid to make the world look weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it seem normal.       *  Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.  I have come o realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
 

[dfiremann]

The fire department one, I can say from experience, is completely true-to-life.  The first time I was dispatched to a call where a woman had a 'virus.'

In her computer.