Rules for writing a fantasy novel

[darkstorme]

And never forget..

The Comic Relief
Whether it's a tuneless bard, a down-at-the-heels jester, an inept wizard's apprentice, a thief who's never done anything without being caught, or a would-be champion who's too pathetic for anyone to actually tell him so, the hero needs a companion who's mainly there for the laughs.  He'll be the one to suggest running/get beat up by the wimpiest opponent/stumble over a garbage can when trying to be stealthy.  He will also, at the key moment, show that even if he's a bit tarnished, he's got a will of iron and a soul of gold, and will refuse to talk/sacrifice himself/show that he's a champion, after all, when the hero really needs him.  And then the hero will save the day, of course.  He's still just the comic relief.

[Pseudonym]

 The prophecy must be cryptic, and illegible by everyone around the hero or heroes (save possibly the "Useless Guide").

Ha! Yes, almost forgot the useless guide who always possesses awesome powers ... yet for some inexplicable reason, never fully utilises them.

"Agipanthalus, smite him with your all-powerful magicks!"

"Nay, to do so would mean Ur'kkk'hark''aa has truly won ... let us use mundane trickery and guile to defeat even the lowliest of his kobold minions."

[bobby1361]

Do not forget the usless relative who makes one joke and can not do anything else and just gets in the way!

[MJZ]

(I love this thread)

Politics. There should be a severe lack of politics, societal organization, or functioning governments. If any "wise elven councils" are present, they have little or nothing to do with the other 98% of the population - ie, they sit there and be wise. No real administration is involved. In fact, the Villain seems to be the only one with any idea of how to rule - hey, maybe that's how he/she got to take over most of the world in the first place? Too bad he's got mindless brutes under his command though, that sort of puts a wrench in the gears.

Roads. You gotta love this. There's always this big road that connects yon "Swamp of Stench" to yon "Pass of Drudgery" to yon "Village of Deformed Curse-Victims" in a nice little pathway, usually leading right to the Villain's lair. And, whether on foot or on horseback, it never takes very long to travel between these aforementioned locales. It's pretty much a copy of the Super Mario in-between-levels layout, is what it is. Except with less forks in the road. Boy, I wish it were like that in real life.

Severe Underpopulation. Basically already covered in the excellent points about no viable economy being present, but well, it's true. You've got your hero, and his/her family. Then you've got your hero's pals, who basically have no family or no prior association to anyone on the planet whatsoever (except for, perhaps, with the Villain?); wise elders, a useless guide, an old crone residing in isolation in one of the locales joined by yon big road, a prince, a chancellor, and a handful of peasants. Versus the Villain's slavering hoardes of a thousand-fold deformities. Thank the gods he doesn't know about that Prophecy/Ancient Sword/Secret trick.

Religion. Reli-what? I don't have time to make this up! Spiritual beliefs be damned, who has them, anyways? No one in this world, that's for sure! (Which is why I like D&D, deities manual, anyone?)

Unbreakable Will-power. Our characters CANNOT succumb to mental anguish, no matter HOW gory, gruesome, torturous, confusing, manipulative, or hopeless things get. They can watch their mothers be melted, their lovers be violated, be stuck in a cube-like mind-prison created by yon Villain, stretched on the stretching-rack for weeks, utterly humiliated, despoiled, deflowered, lied to and betrayed by the very one they held dearest - and yet they WILL NOT have a breakdown, develop paranoia, anxiety attacks, depression, bipolar disorder, mania, crippling insomnia, or any other logical reaction to all the psychological trauma. In fact, the only possible mental issue at hand is amnesia. Someone's gotta have amnesia.

[ycleption]

Plot:

Plot is unnecessary for a fantasy epic. Of course, in normal novels, character actions and decisions move the plot, but in the fantasy epic, it's the other way around. There is just some thinly veiled excuse for journey away from the place where the young hero has spent his entire life. These can be things like Obtaining the Talisman of Power, Consulting with the Prophet, or even simply, Going to the Villain's Lair. Since we now have something that forces the characters to go from point A to point B, we can be lazy and not develop any other plot points that really moves the book along.

[MJZ]

Yes, because you see, there's the BIG ROAD. The BIG ROAD will tell us where to go! What, High Skull-Bone Creek? Well, that's what the map says! Next stop!
You see, they can either go forward, or back, and since they've already been back (and there's nothing beyond the place "where the hero has spent his entire life," just the road leading out), well, where else can they go?

Super Mario-plot!

[ycleption]

Although to be fair, characters can choose between the Big Road, where they will be expected, and Through the Mountains, where they may avoid the bad guys, but either one takes them to that glorious point B.

[MJZ]

Ah yes, quite true, quite true.

[Lareth]

Eating

Unless our novel contains Halflings / Hobbits, under no circumstances can the hero be seen taking time to eat... Drinking contests are ok, after all the hero must be seen to be able to hold his drink like a man (even if she is, err a woman)

[Dezza]

The Villians stronghold is always dark and foreboding, eternally surrounded by dark clouds and storms. More often than not it is located on some pinnacle or at least set in the mountains where a single dusty, rock and skull strewn road leads upto a large black gate.

[Honora]

Addendum to the "eating" rule:  Biological functions don't happen to anyone, hero or villain.  Sleeping is reserved for when the hero has been beaten, beaten, and beaten again and is barely on his feet; it will be interrupted before a full eight hours, but he's allowed enough to be plausibly functional.  He will get one good night's sleep AFTER defeating the villain.  Bathing is also ignored unless the bather is an elven woman under a waterfall.

[Pseudonym]

The Villians stronghold is always dark and foreboding, eternally surrounded by dark clouds and storms. More often than not it is located on some pinnacle or at least set in the mountains where a single dusty, rock and skull strewn road leads upto a large black gate.

Right. Despite it being the seat of the Dread Dark Lord's power, the hero will always eventually penetrate the stronghold. This is never particularly hard to do. Stronghold sentries are never alert and heroes can always approach to within 12 feet of the most heavily guarded installation without being detected. Even the most heavily fortified stronghold always has small unguarded side door where the garbage gets thrown out. Once inside the Enemy's Castle there is only a light smattering of people walking casually about. The hero will be able to penetrate right into the Enemy's inner sanctum without being detected ... where good old fashion sword fighting will then ensue.

[Pseudonym]

Of course he would not be the "hero" any more, but that would also be the end of the book .  Just once...

No work of high fantasy would be complete without the seductress.  Sexier than "the girl" but with the loose morals and diva-like behavior that lowers her CHA, she is the biggest challenge to the hero.  She thinks she's helping the villain, but is merely being used by him to distract or kill the hero.  Expect her to die in the end either a) by the villain's hands when he's through with her, or b) in an act of self-sacrifice when she realizes she really loves the hero but he really loves the girl and she doesn't deserve him anyway.

Excellent!

I had almost forgotten about the seductress! The very beautiful, extemely deadly and for some strange reason (considering she lives in a world of mad bands of nomads who take pride in their raping and pillaging) scantily clad vixen.

[Pseudonym]

The hero must have a motley munch of companions drawn from different near-human species e.g. dwarf, elf, halfling etc. Each of these companions will have one particular skill such as sword fighting, archery, doing pee pee while standing on his head, etc which will inevitably come in handy at a crucial part of the story. To make up character names, just run some nonsense syllables together until it looks like a foreign language. If they are unpronounceable they will be seem to be even more authentic. Apostrophes add an exotic feel.

[Lareth]

Capture

At some point in the story, our Hero and companions must be captured by the arch enemy. Of course the evil villain will now scheme to find some indescribably awful manner to put them to death, rather than just simply killing them straight away... during which time, thanks to the inevitable incompetence of the guards, our heroic band escapes.

[LynnJuniper]

Hehehehe...This is great...and all of this satire reminds me of why I love Terry Pratchett.

[darkstorme]

Timing

The hero (or heroes) will always arrive in the nick of time, even if this necessitates their being born at a crucial time.  If the villain's plan requires that the thousand-year-run Hourglass of Eternity empty, the hero will arrive with five minutes of sand left in the top bulb.

If (gods help him) our hero is involved in some manner of modern-world fantasy, where there are technomancers available, the digital readout on the bomb/doomsday device/world hypnotism ray will have a single second remaining on the clock when it is disarmed/disabled/rendered impotent.

By corollary, whatever unlikely sequence of events is required for the Villain's plan to come to fruition, it will.  Planets will align, moons will turn blood red, it'll all come together - just so the hero can take it apart.  Small wonder that villains always seem so peeved.

[Faldred]

Sidequests

Each of the hero's motley band of companions has one (and only one) unresolved issue in their lives, and by amazing coincidence, the path from point A to point B that the hero takes gives each of those companions a unique opportunity to deal with that one issue.  The hero always goes along with this, despite the fact that it is slowing down the quest to defeat the BBEG.

[Faldred]

Names Equal Power

Any named character, no matter how insignificant they seem, has some direct impact on the plot.  Everyone else is referred to by simple description (barkeep, commoner, farmer, etc.) and can be safely ignored.

[J-ser]

Weapons:

The elf archer has unlimited ammunition.

The dwarf has twenty plus throwing axes. And can still sprint. For hundreds of miles. Without sleep. In a day. After all, he is a dwarf.

If the gnomish character has a gun or some other futuristic projectile weapon, he'll be able to find ammuntion at any town, even if it is the only weapon of its kind.

The close ranged weapons never wear down, unless its plot related. You can beat 100 armored orcs to death with a wooden stick, and it won't break till the hero tosses it aside. Also, steel/iron weapons never rust.

If the hero's weapon DOES break, it is plot related. If it is a normal sword, he gets a new magic one. If it is his magic sword, it breaks while he's fighting the Villian, and he kills him with the hilt.