An Old Smelly Journal

[Kiba]

[SIZE=16]First Entry- Febra 25, 1408[/SIZE][/i]
  [SIZE=16]Alot has happened since I first emerged from the depths of some mountain cave. I had instructions to begin my search for knowladge, and withought any real concept of what knowladge would be when I found it I stumbled into Hlint and started asking questions. Ive asked a great many questions, and even more answers In my time, and yet I still do not feel as If all of this dialogue has increased my level of knowladge, however that is measured. It is perplexing to think why, If I have been here so many years, adventuring the lands and listening to the people that I seem to have nothing to show for it.......In terms of information.....[/SIZE][/i]
  [SIZE=16]If Aragen were to decend from the heavens this moment, and encarnated in front of me ask "So Cideous, gnome of the caves, I have sought you out as promised, now share with me what you have learned of this land" I am afraid my explination would be far from sufficient. I might be able to fill a whole hour, or even two with rambling, recounting those things witch I could dredge up from within the depths of my mind. But I have been wandering a great many years, I have seen friends born, grow old, and die having lead an amazing life, even changing the face of the world, and yet I could only speak for two hours of it? This is simply unaceptable.....[/SIZE][/i]
  [SIZE=16]So how then will I begin to rectify this dilema......[/SIZE]
  [SIZE=16]And I come to a decision, I shall begin keeping a journal. Even as merly a folower of Aragen it is my duty to collect knowladge, and not only for myself, I am to keep this knowladge in such a manner that I can share it with every collector of knowladge I may meet, so that as a farfetched dream we might document everything that there is to be known in its entirety. This would be the ultimate goal of the Aragenite, akin to a Aeridinites strive for eternal life, or a Toranaites struglefor a world of order. In the end the goal is probably impossible, but it is in realizing this goal, and attempting to acomplish this goal that we become more than the flesh and bones our soul occupies we become a part of the living, breathing entity witch is called Layonara. And with that I realize I am no mere folower of Aragen, I was chosen by him.I do not know why, nor for what reason I have been chosen, but the fact remains. I also have instructions to gather knowladge, to witch as of late I have fell unaceptably short. [/SIZE][/i]
  [SIZE=16]Another decision has been made. There are many libraries on this world of ours that are filled with more knowladge than could be gained from speaking to every single person I have met since I arived here. Sure I have tidbits of just about every story, and piece of lore, and I have a scattered idea of what our hostory has been, I do not have a comeple BIG picture. Witch is one major advantage of books, each one is a complete picture, in its entirety, with no pieces missing or forgotten to time. At first the many libraries I visited, many in temples, were extremely speacialized in their content, being documents witch are of relative importance to the followers of such and such, and not a broad spectrum of imformation of witch to buiild a large picture of everything. It did not take long though for me to stumble upon the knowladge of a Great Library of everthing, and to the library I went. [/SIZE][/i]
  [SIZE=16]Tears came to my eyes upon entering the great room, the sheer immensity of the place left me in awe. I soon came to the decision that, however long it took I was going to read every piece of parchment, papaer, stone, or scroll that lie within its great walls. And so finally I emerge from this great place of knowledgewith a new outlook on life. I have come to a realization that for any one person to think that they can atain enough power to change the world to their wills desire is in folly. Yes you can attain enough power to change the world, this has been documented time and time again, and time and time again it is also documented how these attempts either fail completely, or bring about some unforceen concequences, witch not only negate most if not all of the intendended changes,they make things a whole lot worse of than they were to begin with. But our world is still in strife, and if power is not the answer to fixing our problems what could possibly be?[/SIZE][/i]
  [SIZE=16]I have spent a great many years reflecting on this concept, and as the years pass the conditions of our misfortune seem to grow ever worse, with more attempts to solve our problems through the use of power making them so. And so I propose that knowladge is the answer. It is through knowladge, and maybe more importantly understanding of eachother that all of our problems would be solved, and our gods, our dragons, and our people could all live as one, in harmony with eachother. I belive this is possible, and that every aspect of our current state of affairs could be solved If every single being possed the knowladge I have now been bestowed. If only everyone were to realize the futility of their actions. And herin lies a key concept:[/SIZE][/i]
  [SIZE=16]No action, whatever size or magnitude, from any being, in any form will provide any form of relief from our struggles. This is extremely important to note, and I cannot emphasize this enough. It will be difficult I know to convince everyoneof this fact, even when the evidence of its validity stares them right in the face.[/SIZE][/i]
  [SIZE=16]The only method of improving our situation, and truly starting on the path of complete world harmony is through understanding. Knowladge is an imensly powerfull tool in this regard, but knowladge in and of its self does not constitute understanding. Take Sinthar Bloodstone for example. He had a great deal of knowladge, and an even greater deal of power. He knew there were problems with the harmony of the world, and as any good person he strived to amend these problems. But instead of using hisknowladge to for an understanding between the humans, and the dragons he used his power to wage war upon them, and rid them from the land. And even being successfull in doing so he did not solve the problem witch he set out to correct in the first place. Furthermore in the end, after his death the world is much worse of than the first day Sinther stepped foot on these lands. Now in retrospect I belive If Sinthar had indeed used his own knowledge to form a lasting undestanding between humans and the dragons the world would not have decended to its current state of affairs, but acended to place of eternal enlightenment and harmony.[/SIZE][/i]
  [SIZE=16]And in my mind a reason is formin for the reason I have been chosen. If with this relatively small amount of reflection I can see the way to eternal harmony, then Aragen must have concieved the idea ages ago. But how is this achieved? This is a task far more complex and involved than merely discovering the solution. I belive this is why I have been chosen, to realize this eternal truth, and to help every single being on this planet realize this same truth, for this is the only way to achieve eternal harmony.[/SIZE][/i]
  [SIZE=16]So now my task is outlined in detail, and a purpose has now been given to my life. With this realization, though, comes a great responsibility....[/SIZE][/i]
  [SIZE=16]So how does one change the way the world percieves itself? Well you have to start somewhere. A wise man once wrote than any person can do anything, all it takes are two things, 1. A direction and 2. Small steps. What does he meen by this? Decide what direction you need to go to get done what you want. Then take a very small step in that direction, then repeat the process untill what you want has been achieved, for if you continualy make small steps eventualy, no matter how great youre goal you will eventualy arive there. By contrast If you try to make it in one or two large steps you will quickly find that you have pulled youre groin muscle and can walk no further, you have failed.[/SIZE][/i]
  [SIZE=16]So by this thinking I now have my direction, so now as to my very first small step..... I have read of a monistaic order that follows the teaching of aragen "The Bearers of Knowladge" Their pupose is to oversee the collection and preservationof knowladge from all of Aragen deciples, in order to finaly relay that imformation to the Loremaster, in the Keep of the Tome, to be finally recorded in the Libra Prima. And so here lies my first step, to become a member of the Bearers of Knowledge, and to share my newfound enlightenment with all its members, so that they may begin as the same quest I am undertaking from this very moment. And with an entire order of monks then dedicated I will be able to take another step, and then another, and eventualy I belive we will be able to achieve eternal enlightenment and harmony.[/SIZE][/i]
  [SIZE=16]I have traveled to the temple of Aragen inside of Casterly Castle, but found no more imformation on how to become a Bearer of Knowledge. It seems my answer lies within the Keep of the Tome, or a member of the Bearers of Knowladge, of witch I know none. So it seems some walking is in order, a trip to the Keep of the Tomb......[/SIZE][/i]
[SIZE=16]  
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[Kiba]

Second Entry- Apreal 1, 1408
  My journey back to Hlint from Casterly Castle and the temple of Aragen there,proved to be quite eventfull. Walking away from the port of Valensk the sea sir filled my nose and prvoed to quite a pleasent distraction from the smell of myself. I walked as far as the outskirts of the forst when a new smell again invaded my nose. But this wasnt me I was smelling, it was entirely different, and yet farmiliar. As I traveled south towards Hlint I noticed a scene of grave destruction just of the road. I walked closer to investigate, and It proved to be the source of the foerll smell I had recognized. A groutesque scene was splayed out acrost the grassy hills. There was a wood carrage of some sort, the only sign of it being so was a wheel attached to what appeared to be a horse drawn carrage. There was a chared bloodstain where the horse would have been, and half of the carrage was completely destroyed. Not far from the carrage itself was what appeared to be a human body, though race was difficult to discern from the state of the dismemberment. Upon quick examinations of the wounds, and puting together where I knew the smell from, I knew what had done this. It had to be a Balor. I investigated past the scene just into the outskirts of the anajari swamp, and found more of the same dismembermant, obviously indicating the source.
  And so who do I tell about such things? Well I completed my journy back to Hlint and found Ozymandias up to his usual wakieness, and decided to ask him about it. Just as I was about to aproach him a woman named Brisbane adressed ozy, and seemed very adamant about finding an imp, with him. I tried to ask Ozy quicking and he was quite blunt with me, saying if it wasnt quick it would have to wait. In order to get his attention I used the old "Ohh nevermind, yo probably dont know anything about it anyway, i dont need to waste youre time" Witch forced him to listen to me. His answer was very quick, and just as vague. He said it had something to do with the Seeds of Change, and then he was gone like a flash.
  I quickly remembered where I had heard Seeds of Change before. Upon joining a party to travel to Rholdem, and hopefully Tibum, for I wish to travel to the Temple there, there was another woman who said something very quickly about the seeds, just explaining to someone where she had been the previos day, not very detailed. But just as I was pondering what to do next I saw that same woman, her name was Rhynn, I remembered. She just happened to be stroling through hlint so I decided to tell her all I knew. Ahe then preceeded to tell me that she was desperatly seeking knowlade about the subject of the seeds, and that indeed a Balors precense was very important to her. She asked me to make a deal mith her. She would tell me all she knew about the Seeds of Chnage, If I would become a friend of Brisbane -whom Rhynn thought hated her- and get her to tell me as much as I could get about the Seeds of Change, and the child born of the forest. I agreed to this, and Rhynn seemed to not have realized the importance of what I had told her about the Balor. I told her that as soon as I told Ozy about where I sighted him he told Brisbane they were heading south (witch would be the direction of travel to get to Valensk, on the southernmost tip of Mistone) At that moment she realized her opportunity. That if she helped me get to the Balor before Ozy and Brisbane did, then Brisbane would absolutely have to let her in on all of the goings on. So we made haste to the swamps, but we had a plan of going north and sailing into valensk as to make sure we never encountered them on the way, I had a gut feeling that Ozy wasnt going to go directly to where I told him the attack site was and so we may have a window of opportunity to beat him to the source of the Balor. We were so very close, and managed to get to the crypt of the ancient lych just before Brisbane, but just by happenstance, they walked through the door just a moment after us, and in doing so we all bumped into eachother. There was a tense moment of silence, and then everyone agreed to work together to achieve their goal.
  Our first obstacle was a Death Slaad that blocked the route to a mysterious portal. We decided to wait until it walked away, and eventualy it worked, and we were able to walk right over to the portal. Rhynn and Brisbane did all they could to study the portal, and found that it was a gate from the Abyss, and that the crature that had used the gate had come through it to the dungeon, but had not yet returned. So we decided to just sit there and wait, because eventualy it would have to use the same gate to return to the Abyss. So we sat and we waited, and waited, and eventualy the death Slaad came back. Contrary to our previous doubt the party dispatched of the Slaadi rather quickly, no doubt becuase of Rhynn's aid. We ten waited quite a while longer, everyone taking turn to sleep and prepare for wahtever might happen next. ronicly as soon as we had finished protecting ourselves magicly from the worst a Balor could bear upon us, he decided to show up. Now im going to say in advance that this is the second time that a Balor has told a party I was in that it wanted to barter, or toalk, or whatever with a group of adventurers. Both times as soon as the Balor shows up he doesnt listen to a word anyone says and he just starts trying to kill everyone, summoning draons, casting tremendois spells, the whole works. It seems we had no choice but to kill the beast. We just so happened to be lucky enough that we cought the Balor while he had the item we were after on him. We simply looted his corpse for the last of the four bark keys, the Key of Fire. We merily left the crypt, and made our way back to Valensk. As I sit here writing this we are preparing for the journy to Firesteep, and the unlocking of the Seed itself, so we may bring peace back to the broken forest.

[Kiba]

Mulnari, Mar 2, 1409
  Some interesting events to note.....
 
  It seems all my conversations withing the walls of Aragens temple have not fallen on deaf ears. I have spent many hours sitting in its study, speaking with fellow adventurers about my plans, and all this time I was thinking the temple clergy was simply ignoring me.
  Quite the contrary it seems as of late. Twice in my travels lately aman dressed in light brown robve, with blue trim, and walking with a very plain staff. He seemed to have casualy stumbled upon our group the in our first encounter, just outside the mine in Haven. His speach was very peculiar, seemed to be telling a riddle. He asked to no one in particular, though the party told me afterward that he was directing the question to me, "What are three things thatconcern you? Three dominions, three domains. Answer when you are ready"
  I was rather stumped standing there with the whole party wondering if it were three things that concerned me, three things that concerned the party, or three things that concern livigkind as a whole. I could not put together a satisfactory answer, nor could the group, so he just smiled and wandered of past us like he had never stopped.
  Everyone there seemed to think this man was talking to me. So after our adventure was wrapped up I decided to go to my favorate place to think about anything, the Great Library. I decided that he must have been talking to me, so I had to find "three things, three dominions, three domains" that concerned me. Quickly it came to me the troubles I had gaining information about the Aragenite bearers, and how I had lamented this fact in the very temple itself. It occured to me that the riddle must have been a test of sorts, dissapointed though I was that I had failed in the moment, I was determined to find the right answer, and I was in the perfect place for it.
  It took me a while to find it at first, but franticly researching shelves having gone through them all once already -rather frustrated at this point- I noticed the large tome with "The Lord of Knowledge" imprinted on the cover sitting out on a desk, obiosly having recently been used. Very relieved to have found exactly what I was looking for in such a large library I sat comfortably on the floor and began to read. There was so much to read that i knew I would not remember it all, so I took diligent notes, and sumarized the key points as best I could to have for reference. And when I was just about through I noticed that the last page in the tome was stuck to the rear cover at the corner with a tiny bit dried fruit filling, probably from a pie. Carefully seperating the page I found exactly what I was looking for on the back side of the last page. "Clerics of Aragen alwayshas Knowledge as one of their domains, so a cleric of Aragen couldchoose either Knowledge and Protection or Knowledge and Travel." Meening that the three domains of concern for an aragenite are Knowledge, Protection, and Travel.Feeling satisfied that I had answered the question I decided it was time to return to my current occupation as sand collecting and glass making.
  Severly overloaded, and with my oxe fully loaded with sand I staggered my way back to Hlint from the Gulf of Bagira when again the same man dressed in light brown and blue, supporting himself rather noticable with his staff stumbled into me again. He seemed to offer a sugjestion for such laborious trips, a walking staff. Instantly I thought back to the passage in Aragens book "The favored “weapon” of Aragen’s clerics is the humble quarterstaff or a mage’s staff. Only rarely is a staff used as a weapon, however, as it is usually used as a walking stick when the Aragenite travels to new places to gather information." Dissapointed again I realized I had just failed another test, and making it even worse I remembered I had just the perfect walking stick, exept I left it at the bank. Again the monk strolled off like we had never even met.
  On the walk home I though alot about the man I had just seen. And after a good deal of reflection I remembered where I had seen him before. A long time ago, in my travels with Xial Lin a man looking exactly the same I had just encountered had stumbled upon us, so many years ago, in exactly the same fashion. At that time I completely recognized that the man was addressing Xiao, but it was obvious that just like me Xiao did not recognize that the encounter was directed at him, and seemed surprised to hear that I thought so.
  All of this comeing together so quickly, and realizing that I was being constantly observed, probably for possibly eligibilty for some position within the church. So I have made a decision that I will no longer fail these tests, for it is crucialy nececary for my ultimate goal....

[Kiba]

Freas, Mai 27, 1409
  WellI am pleased to write that my studies and diligent note taking have paid off. Just as I suspected the wandering man found me again, and put me to the test. Having recently studied on the subject, and having the notes at hand I was able to pass flawlessly, answering each question with ease.
  The man seemed satisfied, and told me I would be a worthy acolyte of the church. I was given a book to record all of the wisdom that I have found, and shall find, and instruction to report to the temple of Aragen in Casterly Castle.
  With all of this comes a certain responsibility, and I shall strive to live up to this responsibility in every detail. I shall enlighten the unenlightened, record the unknown, and discover new wisdomin the name ofmy Lord, and for the greater good of society.

[ColtCommando]

// as a side note. I forgot the password to the email account for Kiba under the old forums, so this (ColtCommando) is Kiba
 
 *Cideous sits in front of the fireplace, gathering his thoughts. He concentrates deeply on the heart of the fire, the tongues of flame flicking this way and that. The chaos of the flames a mirror of the thoughts burning brightly in his mind...*
 
 *He turns his gaze his journal, quill neatly tucked away in a sleeve on the binding. It just sits there, light from the fire dancing across its cover. It mocks him. It represents a blind devotion to a now obviously flawed faith. Decades of his life, wasted in futility...*
 
 *It takes a strong force of will to overcome a feeling inside, for a reason unknown, telling him not to do what he was planning. After many hours, staring at its cover, he picks up the tattered journal beside him. Carefully unbuckling the binding he opens the book to the first page..*
 
 *For a time he just stares at the letters on the page as if they were a completely different language, utterly foreign to him. As he begins to read the first line, a feeling of sheer malice fills his body, pure hatred. He has to stop reading...*
 
 *He flips through all the pages that have writing on them, and then takes the thick mass of pages in one hand, and tears them from the binding. For a time he just stares at the torn pages in his hand. Slowly he begins to crumple the pages into a ball, tighter and tighter he squeezes the ball, a sense of euphoria washing over his body as he uses more and more strength to crush the pages. Taking the ball in one hand he squeezes his fist, staring at it with a maniacal grin. Tighter and tighter he grips the pages. The dried, callous skin on his knuckles cracking, then bleeding ever so slightly...*
 
 *Feeling satisfied he casts the ball into the flame, staring as it unfolds in a bright blaze of yellow white flame. A strange sense of relief fills his body as it burns, and when its brief flash is reduced to a mere pile of ashes, he feels completely relaxed...*
 
 I have wandered these lands for many years. Long ago I devoted my life to a pursuit of knowledge, a search for truth. I have lived these years with the belief that the spread of knowledge and discovery of truth was the only way to end the seemingly endless suffering of all that call Layonara home.
 
 This belief has been tested to the breaking point in my experiences, and adventures. Over my short existence I have witnessed great atrocities committed, not only against the various races of these lands, but committed upon the very soul of Layonara, all in the name of "Truth". Or what those in power at the time believed to be truth.
 
 I have devoted decades of my life in the pursuit of truth. And what I have found chills me to the core. Truth is a bane on our existence.
 
 There are no constants. Everything has an exception, and it is these exceptions, when omitted in the name of "Truth" that have brought suffering and hatred to all the people of Layonara.
 
 Men of power that use this concept of "Truth" to control their masses, to fill their holds with wine and grain, to live like royalty, while their people starve. All in the name of this truth...
 
 They believe in this concept with all of their being, down to their very soul.
 
 There is only one I have read of those shares in the wisdom I have attained. The Black Sun as he is called. He has a solution.
 
 They must be sacrificed in his name. Only in undeath can they be cured of the plague that is truth.
 
 
 *his thoughts completed he returns the quill to its place in the binding, closes the journal, and returns to gazing at the flames.*

[ColtCommando]

*Cideous sits by the lake at Fort Mirtrix, gathering his thoughts*
 
 The path I have chosen is not understood by many, but taking my first steps on the path of the black sun have opened my eyes to a new way of living, a new way of being.  
 
 I leave the house, and head for Lor.  I have read there is a temple devoted to the mad god in the city of Arnax, so I shall go there.  The entire trip is filled with an eager anticipation.  My heart beats quickly, and my gut feels as though it is in my chest.  I feel as if re-born, experiencing the world with a child

[ColtCommando]

*Cideous sits by the lake at Fort Mirtrix, gathering his thoughts*
 
 The path I have chosen is not understood by many, but taking my first steps on the path of the black sun have opened my eyes to a new way of living, a new way of being.  
 
 I leave the house, and head for Lor.  I have read there is a temple devoted to the mad god in the city of Arnax, so I shall go there.  The entire trip is filled with an eager anticipation.  My heart beats quickly, and my gut feels as though it is in my chest.  I feel as if re-born, experiencing the world with a child

[ColtCommando]

*Cideous sits by the lake at Fort Mirtrix, gathering his thoughts*
 
 The path I have chosen is not understood by many, but taking my first steps on the path of the black sun have opened my eyes to a new way of living, a new way of being.
 
 I leave the house, and head for Lor. I have read there is a temple devoted to the mad god in the city of Arnax, so I shall go there. The entire trip is filled with an eager anticipation. My heart beats quickly, and my gut feels as though it is in my chest. I feel as if re-born, experiencing the world with a childs mind, everything fresh, everything new.
 
 The ship glides into the harbor as a familiar stench fills the air, burning, destruction, the smell of war. Like a great monolith the temple rises from the earth, unmistakable. I almost do not even see the rest of the city, so focused on my destination. As I enter a feeling of calm washes over me. Everything seems right, just as I have read, thought, dreamt. I do not stay long, for I still feel as though an unwelcome visitor. It is not directly communicated, but I feel it.
 
 My traveling companions of late are meeting in Fort Mirtrix, and it is not far from Arnax they say, so I set forth, going north. It was not an easy journey, and required a bit of resourcefulness, but I managed. I arrived and began the usual banter. They immediately noticed something was different. I sort of danced around the subject, telling them I was beginning to learn to focus my anger and hatred, to use that energy. Most did not seem to understand, they thought I should stop. How interesting I thought. Just like the gods they are that try to cage us with lies. I have seen through their facade, of course they want me to stop. Fools.
 
 A cleric I have known for some time seemed to understand. She follows mist, and she must also have learned to channel her inner hatred. She will be a valuable companion in my road ahead.
 
 With all the magic our mage and cleric could muster I rushed into battle headlong, with ought a care. I shrugged off spell, and strike, it seemed nothing could touch me. I thought of those fighting by my side, who wished to keep me caged in their web of lies. Every time this thought triggered a flash of anger, pure malice, and with it a great surge of energy. I felt as though walking on air, fighting with a fury I have never experienced. Enemy after enemy falls, and with each I feel as though I am gaining strength, not loosing it as I should.
 
 We come around a corner and a new type of enemy waits. With ought thinking I run headlong into the fray. It seems like hundreds of spells are being cast at once, I have become blind, but I am still fighting, striking with all my might. A searing pain across my entire body, but I do not stop, blow after blow. And then everything stops, the pain is gone, my muscles feel frozen, my vision is black.
 
 All of a sudden I feel as though dropped onto the ground, all my senses returned. I scramble to my feet and strike to air rapidly, then quickly notice there are no enemies, only friends. I calm down for a moment, my breathing heavy. Amaduena, cleric of Mist stands over me with a look of concern, and I shrug it off.
 
 A new rage fills my body as I focus on my recent passing. I am starting to realize the awesome power I can generate with mere thought. I always knew it was possible, but I never had a source to focus into this power, it was hidden from me by those in power. They knew, and they kept it from me so I could not surpass them, like greedy little rats they are. They will feel the cold hand of death.
 
 
 Malice is my weapon.
 
 

[ColtCommando]

*Cideous sits by his campfire, late at night, deep within the forest of fog. Staring at the flames, as he has taken to doing, he fills his mind with thoughts of hatred, nightmarish things that would make ones stomach crawl. With his mind clear of everything else he can sence the feeling, its presence is unmistakeable. This is the energy he must learn to focus.*
 
 *Focusing on this feeling he gathers a small bundle he has propared for this night. A banner, a cloak, and an ammulet, all bearing the mark of aragen. He casts the bundle into the raging fire, watching the flames slowly consume the mass of material. He continues to watch the fire, a storm of hatred and malice raging through his brain.*
 
 *He sits withought moving for many days, the fire long burnt out, his body of flesh begging for food and water. He began to chanel his pains of hunger, feeding his thoughts. Slowly the pain disapeared, only a feeling of absolute rage remains.*

[ColtCommando]

*He sits in front of the fireplace, gathering his thoughts*
 
 This feeling inside of me grows with every passing day.  It is affecting my thoughts... my judgments.  My mind races in thought, dominated by this hatred.  I have seen things in my travels, disturbing things, things I have tried to forget.  One after another these memories flash through my conscious mind, like a day dream.  
 
 I do not dream while I sleep anymore, and yet my waking mind is full of dreams.  I feel as though I do not have any control over these emotions, these feelings, these thoughts.  I feel as though drawn to battle, gazing deeply into my opponents eyes as death claims their soul.  You can see it in their eyes, as death squeezes out every last bit of life.  
 
 I must learn to control these feelings, or they will consume me.  I feel it already, loosing control of my thoughts, my actions.  This must be conquered.  Even as I write this, hatred is consuming my thoughts.
   I have underestimated the power these emotions have over me.
 
 I cannot overcome these feeling with conscious thought.  They are imbedded now, and growing.
 
 I believe meditation is the answer.  I must clear my mind of all thought, all emotion, all feeling.
 
 *He sets the journal down next to him*
 
 *Cideous sits on the floor, closing his eyes*
 
 *He breathes out slowly, letting all of the air out of his lungs, then holds for a time*
 
 *He begins to breathe in, very slowly, until his lungs are completely full*
 
 *The time between breaths gradually gets longer and longer, as the breaths themselves become shallower and shallower*
 
 *He focuses every thought on a single bright white light, casting away all others*
 
 *Slowly the light in his mind grows, drowning out everything else.*
 
 *After many days his mind is like a bright white void, absent of any thought at all*
 
 *Time seems to stand still, as if he is frozen in a single moment of pure bliss*
 
 *He opens his eyes*
 
 

[ColtCommando]

*Cideous sits near Xoras Tower, his legs dangling off the edge, his head resting on the soft grass.  He gazes at the passing moon and the many constelations as they drift lazily through the night sky*
 
 *After a time he feels calm once more, time to record these lessons of mine*
 
 
 I believe that there are many states of being.  There is that of our normal everyday life, most live in the state every waking moment.  There is that of dream, and deep sleep.  In this state, if we are perceptive, we will learn about ourselves.  There is a state of meditation, where the mind is absent of all thought.  I have heard of, and I belive there to be a state of love, one becomes blind to all else.  There is a state of pure joy, you are so focused on a moment of joy that all other ill feeling fade away, a sence of great comfort.  In this state we are vulnerable though, for in that state we have let down our mental guard, we feel a false sence of safety, security.  
 
 And there is a state of pure rage, not often experienced, and usualy brought on by imense tradgedy.  The moment an elven father learns his missing young daughter was brutaly killed by a band of dwarves would most probably trigger such a state.  This state of being is extremely chaotic by nature.  It is blind to all common sence, everything you have learned through experience.  A motive if formed and the rage is released, and one will stop at nothing to reach the end so desired.  Often in being so blind to all else one will do things directly contrary to their goal, do things they will never forigve themselves for.  But in this state lies the potential for immense power, might, dominence.  
 
 Through long years of practice, and dedication, I have learned to master the state of meditation.  Can I thus also master the state of rage?  Can I learn to control when I enter this rage, and even more importantly, can I learn to control my actions in this rage.  
 
 I believe I can.
 
 There is only one way to practice...
 
 Entering this state seems simple enough, a trigger thought is all thats needed.  Once it has been triggered the thoughts spread like a fire through my mind.  Slowly I am loosing control of my thoughts.  I strugle to keep enough control to write this here.  It is a battle I am in now, a battle with my own mind.  But maintaining this control is key, I must continue to write. I can feel the surge of energy washing over me now, that feeling you get just before you enter battle.  The energy tugs at my very muscles, almost willing them into a fighting posture, my mind searchs for an outlet, but I am keeping it at bay, at least for now...
 
 *Cideous begins his journey back from 'steep.  Along the way he comes acrost a couple of grazing polar bears.  Many times he has come acrost such bears here, they are ferocious, and territorial.  Just as he suspected the bears notice him, and begin to charge.  His mind flashes as it sees an opportunity, but in this moment Cideous is able to control this feeling, just as the bears close on him he sidesteps, striking one ine the rib cage, just behind the shoulder, at the precise moment the bear was exhaling.  Like a charm the skids to a stop, knocked out cold.  The second bear turns after missing on the first chanrge, and comes back for another.  Cideous performs the same technique flawlessly, leaving the two bears sprawled acrost the snow, both barely injured, and heaving softly, as if in deep slumber.*
 
 *With a sence of acomplishment he strides confidently southward.*

[ColtCommando]

Mastering this state of mind is going to be much more difficult than I had ever anticipated.  It is easy enough to transition into, but the moment I do, I begin to loose control of my concious.  I did not notice this feeling in the beggining, everything was too new.  It takes every ounce of my will to maintain complete control.  This, though, is extreamly draining.  I find it difficult to concentrate on even casual conversation, let alone make an intelligable response.  In the heat of battle my control seems to lapse, sometimes completely.  The concentration required for both seems to be more than I am able to maintain presently.  I am hesistant to enter this state of mind around others.  This lack of control could result in injuring, or even killing my closest companions, and this is a risk I simply can not accept.
 
 Alas....  It is a risk I must take.  The only way to master this state of mind is through rigerous practice.
 
 But how?
 
 
 *He rests his quill and leans back, deep in thought*

[ColtCommando]

*Cideous sits by his campfire, taking stock of all the things he has gathered. A pile of thin glass vials is stacked neatly next to a quiver of crossbow bolts.  There is a pot hanging over the fire, the substance within boiling lazily.  He dips his finger into the liquid quickly and it is died a bright red*
 
 
 *Slowly, deliberatly, he fills vials with the liquid, then fixes them to the tip of the crossbow bolts.  He stacks the finished bolts inot his quiver and hoists it over his shoulder.  He is rather surprised by the racket made by the glass knocking together.  He frows as he sets the quiver back one the ground.*
 
 
 *After making enough cloth covers, and covering the vials, he holds the stuffed quiver in his outstreched arms, shakes it a bit.  He nods with a look of satisfaction, throws the quiver over his shoulder and heads off in the direction of the rising sun*
 
 
 *Cideous sits, crouched in silence.  He has stalked a group of giants throughout the day, and he watches them now, sitting by the evening fire.  As he plans his ambush he quietly prepares a vial tipped bolt, loading it into the crossbow.  Being fully prepared Cideous stands from behind his cover, randomly picks one of the giants, and lets the bolt fly*
 
 
 *It strikes the selected giant square in the chest, erupting with red die.  The struck giant stands, almost bewildered, as his group rushes my position, his chest died a light red.*
 
 
 *The battle begins, and eventualy the red giant joins the fray.  Cideous moves with incredible speed, managing to attack and shift his position in such a way that he is unable to surround.  Many of the giants run about confused, getting to where Cideous just was to make a strike only to realize he is not only no longer there, but is directly behind them tripping their ankles.  Cideous feels that unmistakable surge of energy, his thoughts are a torrent of anger and fear.  Somehow he is able to keep track of the stained giant, holding his strikes as though it were an allie.*
 
 
 *Suddenly a strike catches Cideous completely flat-footed.  A massive fist falls with authority upon his back, crushing him into the ground.  In that instant time slows to a crawl, the pain that should be tormenting his whole body from this deadly strike is utterly drowned by the power of his thoughts.  In a burst of enerjy Cideous explodes from beneath the giants fists, throwing its arm into the air, the giants breaths out suddenly, surprised and just as the last bit of air escapes his lungs, Cideous strikes with all his might just below where its liver should be.  The timming and accuracy of the strike is flawless, and the giants drops to the ground, killed instantly.*
 
 
 *Cideous stnads over the body of the fallen giant, regaining control of his thoughts.  Just as he regains control, the stain covering the giants chest becomes blaringly apparent.  Cideous curses loudly.  He stomps back to the quiver, throws it over his shoulder, and sets out to try again.*

[ColtCommando]

Many moons have pased since ive recorded my progress.   I feel now as if gaining the upper hand.  The calrity of concious I have reached whilst in the deepest states of complete malice gives me a great confidence.  Returning to what I like to think of as the neutral state of mind has become as routine as waking from meditation, and can now be done just as easily.  
 
 
 It gives me a great sence of accomplishment.  I have discovered something new, something truly awesome...
 
 
 What fortuitous timing indeed.  It seems certain skills of mine have not gone unoticed.  I have recieved what you might call a solicitation from a rather honorable adventurer I know.... well I cant say I know all that much about him, but what ive seen, I like.
 
 
 Wren seems to be involved in some sort of network, very secretive as far as I can tell.  I take great honor in the fact that he confided in me this imformation, and actualy asked me if I would join.  Of course I said of course.  Just the kind of orginization that can put my skills, the old and the new, to good use.
 
 
 To my greatest pleasure I have found another member of our very network is none other than Miss Rhynalla.  We have worked together in the past, and  I like her style.  
 
 
 So from what Ive heard, Wren heads up the combat divison, and Rhynn heads up weave divison.  From what I have been lead to believe, my main duties will be imformation gathering.  I belive both of them have made bad blood in places where theyde realy like to have an ear, and I think this is where I come in.  As long as nobody knows that anything that gets to my ear is eventualy going to reach Rhynn's, I should have the opportunity to see and hear things that have been utterly impossible for Rhynn to discover on her own....
 
 
 I like this idea very much, and look forward to using my newfound skills.

[ColtCommando]

A few items of interest today...
 
 Kinai ran into me passing through Hempstead and seemed eager to speak with me...
 
 Lo and behold, she herself is a member of the ever imfamous "network".  Well how fortunate for me indeed, I was having some slight troubles reaching Wren, and Rhynn, so I decided ide ask her a fiew questions...
 
 Firsty I was comfirming the absolutly secret nature of the orginzation (despite what Kinai says Hawklen overheard when spieing on Dur' Thak.  Just the nature of such a thing, and the chaotic nature of Hawklen himself wories me, though I doubt he seeks to compromise any of our group...
 
 Next was to discuss what matters the network was currently investigating.  Kinai told me we are looking into the recent sladdi attacks, directed towards shadowdancers.  Clarissa and Kalin probably have the most information, so this is where I shall start...  Also Kinai seems to think there is a connection between the recent undead activity, and the slaadi attacks.
 
 On a side note it was said Clarissa found a peculiar bowl, this I would to like to discuss with her...
 
 My usual ploy will work quite well.  Just tell her im doing a write up on the events for the bearers of knowladge, never seems to fail...

[ColtCommando]

*Cideous sits at the entrance to a small craggy enclave he recently discovered on a hill near Corax Lake.  It has a nice view of the surounding area, and is rather secluded.  A dim fire burns at the back of the cavern, next to it is a small wooden chest.  It has a flat top, and on it rests a notebook*
 
 
 *He pulls a small boulder into the rather miniscule entrance, making it nearly invisible.  He then clamours lazily back to the fire, taking a seat infront of the chest.  He opens the notebook and removes the quill from the binding*
 
 
 A nice place Ive found here, Ill call it home for now.  I have been spending a lot of time with Kinai recently.  She realy is an interesting woman.  Adventuring with her I got the distinct impression that she was rather imature, and well... Not incredibly intelligent.  Though these conceptions were crushed when I took the time to sit and speak with her.  She has a cunning mind, thats for sure, and has nearly mastered her art of choice.  For this I give her a great deal of respect.  
 
 
 I dont remember how exactly it came up, but she has offered to begin teaching me what she knows.  Deception, trickery, stealth, and the various sub-professions one needs to be versed in.  I readily accepted her most generous ofer, as I am currently in search of such a teacher.  I find myself quickly falling into the role of spie, an imformant for hire.  And if this works well I might begin to take it farther than that.  In any case there are certain skills I will need to learn, and then to master, if I am to be succesfull.
 
 
 There is another person who I should seek now, Daralith.  He seems to have connections in the underworld, and he may have a use for me yet...  Despite the disdain he shows for my very presence.  I could learn many valuable things working for a person like him...
 
 
 A new day is dawning in my quest for knowledge.  The path has changed but my pace has not.  I feel an incredible sence of newness, as if begining again from nothing.  A long road lies ahead, that I am sure, but I feel driven by desire.  
 
 I know not exactly what it is I desire.... But I do know I am getting closer...
 
 
 *He returns the quill to its sleeve, and closes the notebook with a yawn. Clumsily, he removes all his adventuring gear, down to a loin cloth, and tosses it in a corner. By the time he is lying down in front of the fire, on the cold hard rock, the fire has been reduced to dieing red embers.  Slowly he drifts into a deamless slumber...*

[ColtCommando]

*Cideous lies on the stone floor, motionless, deep in slumber.  A twitch, a curled lip, a fist clenched then released.  His unconcious mind dredges the depths of his memory and a dream is formed, or is it a nightmare?*
 
 
 A boy sits on a rug covering a stone floor. The whole place is made of stone, and it feels rather cold.  A fire is lit in an adjacent room, a caludron hung precariously over, hissing and bubbling with a stew that could be smelled for miles.  A small woman stands hudled over, stirring it occasionaly with a large wooden spoon.
 
 The boy is playing with a sort of puzzle.  An oddly shaped Fire Opal lies trapped in a complex cage of Iron.  The Fire Opal falls through the gaps in the cage as it is turned and twisted around, though there is only one way for it to come out.  He is concentrating so hard on the puzzle he doesnt even notice the scuffle going on outside.
 
 A shrill scream is heard from the other room and the boy dops the puzzle to the ground, startled.  The woman runs at him, scooping him from up off the floor.  She throws the rug to the side, sending the puzzle clamoring noisly to the corner of the room.  She removes a false stone from the floor.  The boy can see tears in her eyes as she mouths the words "I love you", then she shoves him into the tiny space, covering it behind him.  The light coming into the space from the edges dissapears as the rug is replaced atop.
 
 
 The boy starts to hear footsteps, like metal on stone.  Then voices, mens voices.  They are yelling it seems, but he cannot make out the words.  Suddenly light is cast back into the space from the edges of the false stone.
 
 "Well, well, well, what do we have here!"
 
 In a flash the stone above the boys head dissapears and a helmed face is staring down at him.  An armored glove grabs him from the hole by the neck, kicking and screaming.
 
 "Youre going to pay dearly for that you snivelling wretch.  And despite youre little antics, youre son will still die a slave!"
 
 The figure laughs meniacly as he shoves the boy in a sack, tieing it closed.  He can still see some through a small hole in the sack.  The figure motions to one of his subordinates, then to the woman.  She is dragged off screaming and crieing.  The figure kicks the sack "Youre going to fetch plenty of coin arnt you?" then continues to laugh.
 
 The boy watches through the hole as they emerge from the house, a small gray man lies decapitated on the ground, his fist still clenching a knife.
 
 "Its a shame that one had to put up such a fight, wede be looking at double the profit if we had it alive.  Ohhh well, thats the way things go, huh Ker?  *A grunt is heard from on of his subordinates*
 
 The sack is strapped to the side of a black horse, and the groups head out into the night.  The boy pears out into the impenitrable darkness, the ride seeming to go on forever.  Slowly he driftsinto slumber.
 
 
 He awakes on a smooth stone floor, a circular room, with a domed cieling.  The walls apear to be made of stone, and the door some kind of metal, though there doesnt appear to be a latch of any kind.  The boy sits with his arms around his legs, his head in his knees, sobbing quietly.
 
 Suddenly a metalic series of clicks is heard from the door.  It swings open quietly.  A voice can be heard "He'd be a young'n alroigh.  Feisty one tha' is.  Yep and youre for only one thousan-"  A screach is heard, followed by a low groan  "Eight hun-  Five hundred, five hundred, only five hundred coins, yes"  
 
 A hooded figure enters the small room dressed in a flowing black robe.  It pulls down the hood and the boy peers at the face.
 
 
 *Just as the boy sees the figures face Cideous awakes in a startled fit.  He jumps to his feat, panting heavily and covered in sweat.  Hes surprised again when he sees the figure standing in front of him.  Immediatly Cideous recognizes the figure, the dark mage who twisted Cideous to his malevolent will for so many agonizing years.  He realizes who the man and woman were from his dream, his own parents.  Memories of childhood flash before his eyes.  The figure staring back at him begins to laugh and Cideous becomes enraged.  He lunges throug the hot embers with every intention of tearing the figure to pieces.  Instead Cideous slams into the stone wall of the other side of the cavern.  Blood trickles down his forehead and into his eye, his feet burn.  He jumps to his feet and swimgs around to find the figure at the other end of the cavern, cackling gleefully*
 
 
 *Cideous stares at the malevolent figure, and the figure back at him.  He remebers as a slave being forbidden to look into his eyes.  And now here they stand, in a staring match.  He slowly sits to the floor, holding his knees tightly, and begins to cry.  The figure that haunts him, and the memories of his mother stroking his head, singing in his ear.  It is overwhelming, and he cannot control his emotions.*

[ColtCommando]

*Cideous sits on a rock ledge, overlooking the vastness of the amphitheatre lake. A small fire burn behind him and a pack lies half-opened nearby. A magnificant display of natures power erupts before him, and yet he seems not even to notice, deep in thought.*
 
 
 Here I am now, in my home away from home. My sanctuary even. The one place I am no longer haunted by the weave. If you dont mind the neighbors, and the chill, its actualy a pretty nice place. Would be a good place for a home someday.
 
 
 But I can not hide out here forever. I must conquer my demons, not run from them. Running is what I have been doing since I ended up underground, so many decades ago, just running. It is time now to face my past.
 
 
 I have ingrained in me a certain code of honor, ethics if you will. They run deep from my training so long ago, and having blindly adhered to them all these many years, they have become a part of who I am. Ive come to realize the error in holding myself to these codes. Those who I have fought, and indeed those who I must face before me now hold themselves to no code, but that of greed, and coruption. It is as if I am trying my own hand behind my back withought even knowing it.
 
 I realize now I must break these codes. I must become as sly and cut throught as those I plan to defeat. I must be artfull in my use of stealth, and secrecy, for surprise is my only advantage. I must be cold, ruthless, calous to emotion. I have no choice, I must suceeed.
 
 
 I fear this is a road I must travel alone. I have no doubt my true friends would lend me their aid, but in this I could not ask it of them. They have done so much for me already, I will not allow myself to drag them all down with me, if that happens.
 
 
 I know the price of failure will be high, but the price of not trying would be greater still.
 
 
 *Cideous thoughts shift to an image of the mage. It burns brightly, seemingly right before his eyes, all else is drowned out in black, the world is silent. The image states back, that farmiliar grin acrost its face. An anger build inside Cideous as he stares right back, envisioning all the things he plans to do. The purple hugh of his glowing eyes grows darker, and deeper, slowly taking on almost redish tint. As the image fades from his mind so do his eyes fade back to a light purple, the sights and sounds of the great falls seem to suddenly come back into focus. With a blank look acrost his face Cideous puts out the fire, and begins to pack his things*

[ColtCommando]

*Cideous sits on the dock in Vehl, looking out over the over the ocean. He refelcts on the recent happenings. He plays over and over again in his mind, trying to make sence of it all.*
 
 
 
 I sit in One Eyed Harpy, watching, and waiting. People come in and out, seemingly of all types, law enforcment from the temple, and the seediest of people, the the fort itself, and from abroad. As one such fellow walks in though, I get a sort of funny feeling about him. I can quite decide what it is, bit there is something about him that is just screaming at me. So I decide to introduce myself, have a conversation.
 
 
 
 It doesnt take much to get him talking, he seems already liqoured up, and he was drinking the wine he had like it was going bad. He was telling me about how he had just finished up a job early, and got a bonus for it. He was in town to celebrate a bit it seemed, and even through all the talking, I couldnt figure out what it was that bothered me so much about him. And then he introduced himself. Ker. Could it realy be him? No doubt it must be. No sooner did I come to this realization than he fell asleep on the table in front of me. I kept thinking, could it realy be this easy, as I drug him back to his room. Blindfolded and ties up, I waitied for him to wake. It didnt take long, and soon he was rather agitated, and definatly awake. I began with a question I knew the answer too, and when he lied I preceeded to remove a boot and sock. He ranted and raved, and even tempted me, at wich point I removed a toe. Amazingly this seemed to jog his memory a bit, as he finally remembered who I was. He then made the mistake of telling me that "Zustec" should have killed me while he had the chance. Having all the imformation i thought he would give me, and basically all I wanted, I asked him in his ear if my mother cryed like he did when he killed her, just before slitting his throught.
 
 
 The whole experience left me in a kind of daze, as I wandered out of the tavern. Walking down the rows of houses I came to door that gave me that funny feeling. Surprisingly it was unlocked, overwhelmed with curiousity, I decided to go inside. And inside was curious indeed. There was a pentagram on the floor, with different colored lights at each corner, and a musterious red-haired, horned woman, a Seeress, as she called herself, who seemed as if to be waiting for me. She told me she was at least, and that she was going to help me. I dont know why I trusted her, but I did as she instructed, and relaxed in the center of the pentagramm as she wispered soft words. All the memories from long ago came into my mind again, seemingly all at the same time, and then all the memories from when my mind was not my own, clear as if I had just lived them, flooding through my mind. It seemed to cleans my mind. She then told me that Zustecs ship was in harbor still, and that I should seek him out to find the secret about the mage that has haunted me so.
 
 
 
 And so I did, using every bit of stealth training I had recieved, everything I had practiced, I snuck abourd the vessel, up to, and behind Zustec himself. He was rather surprised when I adressed him, but his cunning drow ways soon had him spinning tales of broken slaves who return to their masters when freed. I would hear none of his foolishness, and he attacked for my intrusion. I took a blow on the arm, and returned with stunning strike, leaving him dazed and drooling. Pulling back I asked if he was ready to talk, but just as soon as he came too he swiped at me again, and so I returned blows in a flurry, untill I made my final blow, a quivering strike, it hit him squarly, but did not kill him, though he was stunned again. I kicked him to the ground, and took a position with the edge of my boot to his throat. As he awoke I demanded to know where the mage was. He played coy at first, but reluctantly motioned me closer. He gave me directions to a cave just in the foothills of the Brech mountains, just as he gave me the last bit, he stabbed at me with a dagger, with his last bit of life. I rolled out of the way just in time, as the blade cut my shirt. I had no time to examine the body, as his crew poured up from the holds below, I jumped overboard, and swam for the docks.
 
 
 By the time I made it in the ship was turning to head for the harbor, so I sprinting through the fort, and into the mountains, where I easily found the cave I had been directed too. It was not at all what I was expecting though. It was more of a hermithole, flith piled in the corner, a small campfire burning, and an old man dieing of pnemonia barely clutching to life on the ground. My emotions ran wild as the image of him in my mind met with how he looked now, shriveled and dieing, not an ounce or energy left. He told me that after I had gone he failed to appease his Boss, and as a result his mind was broken. He came out to the cave to wither away for the rest of his life. What revenge is there to take on such a man. And as I said such, he breathed his last breath.
 
 
 So there he lay, the object of such amazing fear and resentment, that wich haunted my dreams, and my waking mind, withered and dead, a washed up has-been. Those that murdered my parents, and set me into slavery, tortured and killed. After all these years, my mind is free at last. I can see everything clearly, before me lies a blank slate. What am I going to carve into it?
 
 
 My training with Kinai has been invaluable in my quest for freedom, withought it I would surely have failed. It is obvious yet that my skills are but in their infancy, and I have a long road ahead to master what I have learned, and I have much more to learn as well.
 
 
 I have the basics for the art of stealth, on witch I can train an improve myself. I think it is time to learn the basicas of slighthandedness, picking pockets, picking locks, and disarming traps. I have an extreme afinity for being dexterious, and I know I can excell in these skills, I but must learn the basics, so that I can train myself.
 
 
 
 To what end shall I use these skills... That I do not know yet. I know they will be invaluable skills to have in and of themselves. But I sence something coming, and I must prepare myself as best I can.
 
 
 *His legs dangle from the edge of the dock, his elbows on his knees, and his head on his hands. He stares out acrost the water, deep in thought*

[ColtCommando]

*Cideous sits in a small crack, barely big enough to be called a cave nestled in the foothills of the backbone mountains.  He is dutifully dusting his various pieces of clothing in soot from an armorers furnace*
 
 
 It seems finding work has been as easy as waiting for it.  A cold night in Ft. Mirtix turned rather profitable as a rather skilled alchamist told me a tale of a client who had voided their contract, and I assume owed her a substantial sum of money.  She seemed rather intersted in hiring someone to... convince him it would be in his best interest to settle his debt.  In return she offered a supply of Heal potions of the highest quality.  
 
 
 Such a bounty I simply could not refuse, and when she showed me her ability to conceal my own apearance the deal was done.  
 
 
 The job itself went smoothly enough, though the pitifull wretch played dead on me, and managed to wiggle his way into the lake he was fishing in, where he promptly drowned.  Not wanting to kill him, or maybe not just yet, I had to go fetch him from the water.  He did not last long afterwards, but I think we got the point acrost.  And I walked away five Heal potions heavier, with more on the way.
 
 
 I could get used to this, five heal potions for two hours of work.  Not to bad...
 
 
 *He regards his work with a thoughtfull look, and then with a last flash of inspiration he takes a small glob of grease he gathered from another furnace and smudges over all the shining gold and mithril.  He nods with a certain sence of satisfaction, and dons his subdued gear*