Diary of a curious Elf

[DMOE]

I have spoken to Sy.  God's how I have wrong her.  I have judged her and ignored all attempts she has made to be nice to me through listening to others.  I have to right to expect anything from her as my offer to the Avatar was freely given and I have wronged her.  I have asked for the chance to get to know the real Sy and not the one people talk of.   She was suspicious but who can blame her.  I have said I will not pretend to like her but wish to get to know her.  I hope I get the chance!

[DMOE]

I spoke further to Sy.

She told me the story of her loves.  It is good to get both sides of these things.

I like Sy.  I will not repeat what she has told me as it is her story to tell nor not as she choose but she has been ill used also!

I have invited her, Kai and Thais to dinner!

[DMOE]

Spoke to Brit about my promise to the Avatar.  He reminded me I made a promise to him first.  He is right.  I am not as used to think of another as I thought.  I hope the Avatar's debt does Not take me away from him forever!  He forgave me and allowed me to make it up to him, in the bedroom of course

He is worried Sy will try and make me her new plaything.  Put his mind at rest there.

Went and got some hickory to make shafts and trade with a lady.  brit got to introduce us as the 'forgehearts'.  I bet he's been dying to do that!

All in all a good day!

[DMOE]

returned to the craft house and manged to make about 20 arrows and failed to make about 60.  I am lucky my beloved is so talented with metal and makes arrow heads for me!

Ran into Trysk in hlint on the benches.  We asked how each other fared after last night.  He told me that Brit is lucky because I am so brave.  That was nice.  He also told me that if his sword will be of use in paying the debt to the Avatar then he will help which was also nice.  Kai turned up and tired to flirt and a few others arrived.  i ended up trading some of the oak arrow shafts Brit has made me for cougar leather armour with kai.  i know Brit won;t mind as it will keep me safer in combat.  kai has a nice side to which he likes to keep hidden.  I think the dinner involving Kai and Sy will be fun!  I just hope Brit feels the same and isn't try to be nice to me.

We shall see!

[DMOE]

Went and did some gem crafting.  I must try and get out the house more when Brit is about so he can help me collect some more minerals.  For some reason we are bad at making it out of our own bedroom door!
I also finished making the red dress.  I hope Brit is as happy with it as I am!  It took me a while but I want to spend the time and effort getting it right.  I like doing things that make Brit happy.  I know I’m bad at showing him how much he means to me so maybe this will help!
Decided to have a wonder in the Hickory forest outside Hlint and nearly died when I stumbled into the orcs there.  I daren’t tell Brit how silly I was.  I thought I would be able and was far from it! I must remember I am only a good hunter and scout not a great warrior!
I rested and walked home.

[DMOE]

Brit was upstairs when I returned home and when he came down he was telling me there is a house for sale in Pranzis.  It’s quite expensive but he wishes to have a look.  He suggested it as another home for the family.  I daren’t ask if that meant the family at large or maybe our family if we have children.  I’m fairly certain he means the family at large as we hardly have the money needed to but a house.
I told him I’d finished the dress and showed it to him.  He seemed to like it.  I also told him I wouldn’t wear it in town as I know he wouldn’t like it.  He told me that it was ok and I could wear it in town. Something was off though I’m not sure if it was his tone but if felt like a test.  I replied that I’d only wear it if he was there and he made a comment about making commoners jealous.  It seemed to be a joke but I’m not sure.
The he suggested we hunt undead in the Broken Forest.  I told him I’d traded for new armour and he still seemed strange.  I asked him what was wrong and he told me everything was fine but then muttered something under his breath.  I really was getting very confused and starting to feel worried. He seemed surprised I didn’t know what was wrong.
Oh I knew what was wrong. He is still angry about the promise I made to the Avatar.  The promise I made sure I spoke to him about and thought we had understood each other about, the promise I apologised for and had my apology accepted.
He was talking as if he didn’t want me to stay and when I asked he turned it round and told me he didn’t wish to keep me with him if it wasn’t what I wanted.
I asked him how else I was to prove my love to him and he replied by keeping my promise to him. God’s that hurt, really hurt and it hurt so much because he is right!
I didn’t think when I made the offer to the Avatar but do I have to pay for that for the rest of his life? He also seems to think that the Avatar is evil and bound to take me away forever.  I tried to explain that she also might just want help on a quest. I’m not sure either one of us got across what we wanted to on that one.  I told him that if the Avatar’s price is too high then she can take back Sy’s life for all I care as long as I still have him but I don’t think it sank in. All that seemed to matter was I had promised him and I had failed him.  
God’s how I asked him not to raise me on that pedestal!  I told him that one day I would fail and fall, aye and within days of marrying him too. I don’t blame him for feeling hurt and possible even betrayed but it really wasn’t planned or intended.  I didn’t coldly remember my promise to him and ignore it.  Someone had to do the right thing and no one was so I did.  I tried to explain that to him.  He told me I was naive for thinking I can defeat evil on my own.  I know I can’t defeat Blood or other evils on my own but nor can I pretend they don’t exist and walk away.  I’m not sure if this has been sorted out this time but I apologised again and he accepted again.  I can only hope it is the end of the matter and that having the debt hanging over us doesn’t eat at him or I fear it will be the end of us also.
He held me in his arms and we talked a little more.  God’s I love this man and I have to remember the commitment as well as the fun and rolls in the hay.  I have made him a promise and it needs to be as set in my mind as Elladan’s promise to his God.  There is no point me talking to Pendar about buying a forge with Brit and not worrying about things I wish to do as I will have time when Brit has passed over to the Soul Mother if I hurt him so!  Having said that he needs to understand that I can and will make mistakes and learn to forgive me or we will go no where and the hurt will come well before either of our deaths!
I then asked him if he really meant what he said about the red dress as I wasn’t sure he did.  He said he was happy for me to wear it in town as it show’s how talented I am at crafting, my beauty and what a lucky man he is. I liked that but told him I will only wear it when he is with me becauseI have him and only want him so do not need to display ‘my assets’ so to speak but if he is with me it is showing the world my beauty.  He seemed to understand this which is something.  He asked to see the dress again (in his roundabout way) and even suggested doing something right there on the table but the thought of Elladan, Master Noss, Shar or Master Argos returning home to find us was not one I relished!  I didn’t mind when he carried me into the bedroom though.  I hope he will not get bored of me.  I am innocent in these matters (it never occurred to me to use the table) as he is my first and he will be the only one until the day he dies or until he wishes to be with me no longer.  I hope the former is a long way in the future and the latter never comes!
I do wish sometimes that he could see how hard it is for me in some ways.  I still have not heard from my brother or parents.  If they wish to have nothing to with me because of my choice to marry him (I can’t think they would but….) then it will effect me long after he is gone but yet I have taken that step because he means the world to me and I love him so.  Also while there have been no others I wished to give myself to that does not mean there have not been those who have wished to have me and I refused them all waiting for the right one!  Does the fact he was my first not mean anything to him or is that just something that means much to us women?  Or maybe I judge him too harsh there.  I would like to think he would not have held it against me if he wasn’t my first but I can’t help think he is secretly pleased he was!  I know none of this is the same as me forgetting my promise on our wedding day but it would be nice to know it matters to him in some way.
I try so hard not to worry and just live life as it comes but my choices scare me sometimes.
Sometimes I can’t help but think……
What will we do if he can’t cope with my debt to the Avatar?
What will I do if he tires of me or decides he never wanted me at all?
What will I do when he is gone and there is naught but a hole left in my soul and a tear in my heart?

[DMOE]

Wondered into Hlint cause I had a feeling Brit would be there and bumped into Angela, Acacea and other lady.  Angela and Acacea where just telling me they had seen Brit recently while the other lady was making comments about pretty people when Brit walked up so I kissed him hello.  At this point the stranger made a comment about how she want one so I informed her he was all mine.  Brit took the opportunity of me being distracted to throw me over his shoulder and inform the three ladies that they must excuse us but he wants a daughter.
He put me down when we got outside Hlint but I loved it!  Then he did another one of his shouts at the Gods about how much he loves me which I adore!  I think we can say the argument from earlier is behind us!
We decided to go mineral hunting.  It was a good hunt apart from the bit where I nearly died but Brit took care of me.  No mystery minerals though and they are my favourite kind!  Had a very strange conversation about what we are going to call our children and he'd asked Rolf about elven pregnancies which I thought was sweet.
We returned to Hlint and I spotted Trysk.  As I need to talk to him I checked Brit was ok at the Craft house on his own and head back to Trysk.  
I had a good chat to Trysk and learned more about the Avatars as well as Ozy but suddenly I got a cold shiver down my spine and knew Brit was in trouble.  I head out of Hlint through the gates past the Craft House as it made most sense to discover him sat by the roadside badly injured.  He’d run into kobolds collecting clay on his own.  A small discussion ensued about doing daft things without the other around.  I then put his mind at rest that according to Trysk the Avatar I am in debt to is on our side and not likely to demand my life or anything silly rather my aid.  I also found out why Ozy licks people but chose not to share it just yet.  Will wait until he’s in a very good mood first.  He tried to demand that if I am to die he will be at my side until I pointed out that would mean I couldn’t do anything even slightly dangerous with anyone else.  He realised this was a bit silly and asked if I would keep him involved in things.  I had to point out that having been invited to go adventuring with others I was in fact sat by the roadside with him.  He is so daft sometimes!
He keeps asking the God’s for a daughter as beautiful and smart as her mother.  I keep trying to explain daughters are trouble but he won’t listen!
Then Kai ran up and kissed him, then ran off!  It was so funny!!  I had to explain it was my fault as Kai had tried to get me to kiss him (in a good natured way) and I told him he was welcome to kiss Brit if he wanted to but I wasn’t sure Brit was up for it!
Kai also tried to invite himself back to join me in a hot bath and I told him he was welcome to have a bath with Brit.  I smell a possible practical joke but will have to think on it!
Brit left to work on arrow heads and I dozed in the sun but not before we’d arranged to meet at home for a nice hot bath!

[DMOE]

Went into Hlint and was chatting to Pendar when Master Noss arrived.  Master Noss is hoping to buy another house soon and knows Pendar is looking for a room.  It would be really nice if Pendar joins the family.  I like him!
  Master Noss wondered off on his own business leaving Pendar and I to chat.  We taked about rings and Brit & me.  Kai wondered past a few times commenting on how cute I am.  That man is terrible!  Part of me really hopes he isn't in Hlint the first time I wear my red dress.
  Pendar had to go and rest so I sat deciding what to do next when Master Noss asked me if I wished to go undead hunting.  Off to the Broken Forest we go via Krandar to check for house for sale of course!
  We had a good hunt but Master Noss refused his share of the loot as he already has enough money.  I told him I would add it my share and put it in the bank towards our savings.  That pleased him.  It pleased him more when I told him Brit had already made a payment of 3000 towards the 100k he needs to save.  I'm not sure what happened to make Master Noss think badly of Brit but I'm always glad to improve Master Noss's opnion of him.
  After the undead hunting we went to Leilon to see if there were any house for sale.  Master Noss told me that Rolf is no longer our neighbour and that Kai is.  Brit will start to worry at this rate.
  I decided to go home and Master Noss decided to collect roots for his potions.  It was nice to be out with Master Noss.
  I was thinking on the way home about Brit.  He keeps talking about having daughters.  It worries me in case we have a son as our first child.  Will he love it and cherish it or will he turn away from it?  Also last time we discussed children he said it might be nice to wait and have some fun first but now I'm not so sure that's how he feels.  It's very complicated and confusing!  I've also had to try and remind him that there are more than his traditions to think of when it comes to raising our children.  I want my children to know of all their heritage!  This is going to be on going, I can tell!

[DMOE]

Went and rescued Brit from a lady in the craft house today.  I know nothing about her other than she is a wild elf and Brit seemed to think he’d upset her.  Brit seemed to think I don’t like his armour Black.  He can be strange sometimes!
Walked through Hlint wearing the new red outfit so of course ran into Kai.  I was rather hoping to get used to this outfit first before having to deal with his comments but all he said was “wow”.
Went home to collect materials to make more arrows and ran into Master Argos who suggested a Topaz mining trip.  I thought this was a really good idea as long as I get to make arrows!
Elladan came downstairs just as I was filling my canteens so I invited him also.  Off we all set.  It was a good time.  We were all easy with each other.  I collect the Topaz and the boys took care off the ogres & mercenaries with support from me.  I even managed to deliver the package to Larry on our way to hunt undead in the Broken Forest.  We ran into Reef as we were about to start hunting undead so he joined us for a spell.  That was nice too.  I like Reef.
Then we decided to look for the lady’s oil in Grey Peaks.  Just as we were about to head there another large group ran into us also heading the same way.  They suggested we join up but that Necromancer was in the group.  He finally seemed to realise that we were not keen adventuring with him and apologised for what he said to Elladan.  He then had a discussion with Elladan and we joined forces.  Oh how I wish we had walked away and come back for another time!
Normally on such trips I loot.  I almost seem to have a sixth sense for where people might hide loot about their person.  So when Garnet asked I volunteered and Elladan suggested me also.  No one argued but yet someone else kept beating me to the bodies.  I can not be sure who it was or I would have challenged them.  Tactics seemed to be slightly lacking and I came very close to losing Brit in a fight where we did lose Angela but luckily I managed to heal him in time.
We carried on and Garnet asked about the looting again.  Someone commented I was doing it and I took the opportunity to point out I had not been able.  The person who had been looting chose not to speak up.
Then we went down a peak to a large group if ogres and I fell.  It was chaos.  The last thing I remember is someone running towards me being chased by some ogres and think ‘no, I have nowhere to hide and they are stronger!’
I fell and found myself in Leilon at the Bindstone.  I started to walk home and realised that I had lost about half of the money we had collected on our earlier adventures before we’d gone to Grey Peaks.  That saddened me!
I was nearly home when Brit ran up to me, collected me in his arms and carried me home.
He apologised for not saving me, I apologised for dying and losing the coin.  I also apologised for not waiting to see if there was anyone to raise me.
None of it really mattered.  What mattered is he had come to me to hold me in his arms while I recovered.
He commented that maybe it had been too dangerous and I reminded him I am not made of glass!   He seemed to understand but said he wasn’t sure we should go to Pranzis as the journey is also dangerous.  I’m sure we will talk of it another day.
Elladan and Elhara returned and I gave out shares of loot but had to sit down as I was still not feeling myself.
Brit came to me and I discussed my concerns regarding having sons.  He made me smile!  He said he wants 10 sons as well as 10 daughters.  I nearly asked him if his planning on taking a second wife!  He is happy to leave it to the Gods.  I can’t help but wonder if he realises that had I been with child already I would have lost it when I fell.
I told him I felt quite a lot better and he could leave to do other things if he wished.  He recited his wedding vows to me reminding me he will be there in sickness and I health.  I confessed I could not remember exactly what I had said when we wed so he asked what I’d say if we did it again and when I told him he informed me it was close enough!
We also discussed lovemaking.  He was worried after a comment I made that I did not enjoy it!  I made sure he knows I do but that it is not something I am used to talking about.  He said we should go to bed and just enjoy being held by each other.  I informed him I could make no promises as I ‘enjoy’ laying next to him.  This pleased him.  I lay in his arms feeling full recovered and eventually could stand it no more and for once initiated things myself rather than being carried along by the tide of his passion.  I hope he enjoy things as much as I did!

[DMOE]

I was walking into Hlint to meet Master Noss and Shar when I ran into Ranwein.  
She told me she had been at Leilon Arms last night when the jukebox had been vandalised and the Queen arrived for a visit.  Then there was an attack by bugs and a large stinking cloud.  Something also happened slightly later which she wasn’t there for but did have to raise someone due to.  She had to go then so I didn’t learn much more.
I meet up with Master Noss and Shar outside the merchants and we were chatting.  Master Noss got very angry when I told him I had fallen in Grey Peaks and told him he could not shout at Brit for it.  A small discussion ensued in which I got my point across nicely when Master Noss apologised and said something else had put him in a foul temper.  Master Noss had tried to make Kai and offer on his house in Haven but the price was too steep.  I offered to ask as Kai likes me and Master Noss started to lecture me about Kai until I pointed out I had made my feelings very clear to him and if he tried anything he would feel cold steel not soft flesh!  We decided to nip the goblin caves and saw Elladan at the Smith so invited him along.  We also introduced Shar and Elladan which went as well as could be expected!  
We were about to head off when Master Noss overheard someone offering to sell me silk and while he was trading  I saw Kai on the way to the Smithy so nipped in to have a word.  To cut a very long conversation down to something more sensible.  Kia is selling more than the house.  He is selling his share in the business and stock etc.  I explained I wasn’t interested in that but Kai kindly offered me a 15k finder’s fee if I manage to find him a buyer.  We also had a conversation about respect and I’m not sure how much sunk in!  Also one person said I was pretty and another said it was a pity I’m married.  
I’m not used to this much interest and I’m not sure I like it.  I am Brit’s and have no desire to ‘be with’ anyone else.  To be honest I hardly realise when a man is handsome anymore!  It’s just not important or anything I need to think about anymore and if I do realise they are handsome I’m usually wondering if Elhara might like them.  By then it was too late to go to the caves really so Elladan headed to grove, Shar had already left and I wished to go home and see if Brit was curled up in bed.  All this talk of me being pretty by others made me want to be in his arms!  Master Noss was very kind about the fact I had spent too long talking and also put my mind at rest that Kai doesn’t always mean what he say’s.  
I left Master Noss and walked home but not before I had promised to collect and grind him more greenstone!

[DMOE]

Walked to Hlint today to find the elf  (Mith) that followed Master Noss, Shar and I sitting on a bench.  I started a conversation with him and asked him why he had followed.  He said it’s a bad habit he has to see if people are going somewhere interesting which is probably why I lost him once he realised we were travelling to Castle Blackford.
He was impressed I had seen him at all so I confessed to having a talent for such things.
We had a very interesting conversation after that about Blood, group leadership, power, Avatars, promise, ghosts and finally love.
He was surprised I have married a human as it will cause me great pain.  I had a very long conversation about the joy and happiness Brit gives me is worth the pain his death will bring.
We than talked about the strength of love and how I would still love Brit if he did evil things and how I could love him even if I didn’t like what he was doing.  I did point out that I would try to help stop Brit doing evil if he suddenly looked like he was following that path.  I was honest about the fact that if Brit did become evil for any reason, like what he had become and would not change while I would still love him and doubt I would love another until he died in case he changed I would not wish to be with him.
Mith seemed surprised by this and commented that he doubt she will find love in this life time.  I told him I hoped he did.
Angela had joined us at some point as did Anoron and Angela thanked me for my view point on human elven relationship.  It was obvious that Angela is the woman Anoron was telling me about.
Tedulus tried to talk us into a trip to the mines at some point during the long conversation and Acacea had fun with stink bombs and such. She also contributed some to the conversation until it turned to love.  Love doesn’t seem to be Acacea’s thing!
Mith left to meditate, thanking me for the conversation and then Elhara arrived.
I was in a world of my own for a while think of Brit until Elahara gave me some minerals and we left Hlint.  Elahara told me Sy and Kai had split up and that Kai tried to make a move on her.  She seemed to think is was gross.  I know Kia is no angel but not sure that was fair. I camped by the fire for a change.

[DMOE]

Got bored of sitting around the camp fire so went back into Hlint.  Saw Kai and gave him my commiserations.  He was telling me the story when Master Noss came up and reminded me he has news of last nights meeting.  I won't put down here what was discussed just in case but safe to say I need to talk to Brit about it.
Walked home to wait to Brit.

[DMOE]

I was taking a slow walk into Hlint when a fiery bone dragon looking thing flew overhead.  Then the Avatar was stood next to me.  She told me I would soon have my task to do and it would be difficult.  I told her that Brit wanted to know if he could help me and she told me that no it was his debt and my task alone.  I told her he would not like it but would cope with it.  She also told me she liked my red outfit and I should wear it more as it brings out my eyes.  I noted this as it seemed a strange thing for her to say!
I travelled on to Hlint and was once again discussing Elven human relationships with Angela when Brit made a dramatic appearance in front of us.  I ran over and ask him what was wrong and he lead me to the back of the bank by the pond ad started to explain how he was transported by the same or similar Avatar for a chat.
She had told him I am to be an assassin and he should train me as such.  Ah well while it is not something I relish but at least I stand a chance of doing it.  Then the Avatar arrived again and told me I am to be the ‘chosen’ of Dougal.  That he has an interest in me and will come to claim me at some point.  Brit seemed to know some of this already.  I am to get as close as I can to Dougal and provide the Avatar with information.  She left.
I had a long talk with Brit about what getting close to Dougal may mean and how he should go and find another who deserves him.  He stood by me in so many ways and proved his love so much.  I may end up giving Dougal my body but my heart and soul are Brit’s alone!
Elladan walked up and wondered what was happening so Brit started to explain.  I realised why the Avatar had made the comment regarding the dress and changed into it.  Elladan is so sweet.  It is hard for a Paladin to be mixed up in all of this!
As stood with the man I call brother and my husband I felt a touch on my cheek and a tugging on my hand. Dougal had come.
Brit was so strong and Elladan brave as Dougal mocked them but he threw me over his shoulder and carried me away.
I do not know where he took me only that I failed and could not get out the words I need to.  Rather than becoming his chosen he slay me.
I awoke to find Brit, Elladan and two others.  The looked like Avatars of different Gods also.
Elladan was talking to them but I was in too much despair to take notice of what was said.  Eventually we returned to Hlint but I could not stay and went to the bench by the waterfall to sit and think.  Brit of course went with me.  He tried to cheer me up but I put his through all of this and then failed!  We went to the house but I could not settle so we returned to Hlint to find Elladan trying to explain things to Shuel and her man, Trysk and Ranwein, Angela, Elhara and a few others.
They asked questions, oh so many questions!  Trysk apologised for not being at my side.  I was nasty to Elladan who tried to make me see I have not failed.
I did not tell them all. Just that I failed and they can not help me with what I must do unless they can help me talk to Dougal.  Trysk said Ozy may be able to help so that gives them something to do.
Brit left with Master Argos. I think it was too much talking and not enough action for my beloved.
Mith arrived at some point and made a few helpful suggestions.  He’s main one is that a trip to the hill of the Gods might help. Kai had arrived by this point and knows the way so Mith asked if he would show me.  Kai asked what was in it for him.  Mith gave me papers to travel by ship and said if I went now he would come to keep Kai in line.  To be honest I could hardly stand!  I explained I need to rest and said my goodbyes.  Angela said she wished to accompany me if I go and hugged me goodbye.
Elladan return home with me and insisted on sleep on the couch until my beloved returned when he quietly left for his own room.
Brit was so tired.  I undressed him from his armour, bathed him, took him in my arms and made love to him.  I needed to show him how much I love him for all he has done!

[DMOE]

Ran into Angela in Hlint and she was very nice and good to talk to.
I also ran into Pendar and explained it all to him as I fear Brit will need good friends.  I hope he still means what he said before Dougal took me but I fear that time to think will  of the change what he  feels.  Only time will tell and I will love him no matter.
Pendar asked me if I knew Great Library and took me there to research Dougal and his lost love.  I tried my best but left him there as it is more his thing.
I will wait and see how Brit feels.

[DMOE]

God’s I am the luckiest woman alive!!!  I spent the day with Brit, just with Brit.  He packed a picnic and we just enjoyed each other for a whole day.  We did not think of things to come or that had been but just enjoyed the moment. As I lay there at night in his arms listening to him sleep I felt so much hope.
We can survive it all, together!  We have grown to love and trust each other so much that even Dougal can not part us in our hearts and souls!
He will give me the strength to do what I need and if I am lucky (and I often am lucky!) I will return to him and we will live our life together to a ripe old age!

[DMOE]

Well today was an interesting day.  I went adventuring with Pedar (among many) and discovered my body is infected with something which you can see in my blood and makes me scream with pain when healed. Not good.
I also spoke to Ozy. It was a long chat which Elladan was also present for.  We can not kill Dougal otherwise Blood wins.  We must redeem him.  I think I know how I can do that but it will be both difficult and dangerous.  Almost as difficult as trying to convince Brit not to try and kill him!
We think it may be my innocence and lust for life which draws Dougal to me although Ozy thinks the red dress does no harm!
Dougal is responsible for the poison in my veins and may even choose to inflict pain upon me whenever he wishes.
I am not going to seek Dougal out.  I don’t believe it will serve any purpose but rather just hope he comes to me in time. God’s I can not believe I just said that!  But what must be done is done for the good of all.

[DMOE]

I sit here think upon the talk I had with Ozy and the talk I will have with Brit and wonder.
Is it really my innocence and passion for life which drew Brit to my side and draws Dougal now?
Will that innocence survive what needs to done or will I be changed for ever?
I know Ozy is right and I must be careful to make sure Dougal cares for the right thing or I will just do more damage!  I think it’s the not knowing which is the worst thing.
Have I already failed? Will he come for me again and if so when?  Will I be able to do what needs to be done?  Will I still be the person Brit loves when I have done it?
Time is the only thing that will answer these questions and lets be honest I have plenty of that!

[DMOE]

I met Brit and Pendar outside Haven Mine.  Brit is so angry at the moment.  Pendar left us to talk.
Gods I am so useless at this!  I kept trying to explain things but I’m not sure I did a good job.
Brit has said he will not try and kill Dougal but will continue to train and improve in case the day comes when Dougal does need killing.  That’s about the best I can hope for!
I think he understands what I must do and why.  I tried to explain that I do not wish Dougal to care for me and I think I got through!
I think I managed to convince him how I love him and how much I need his love to do this.  He has made it very plain that should I go with Dougal and return pregnant he wants nothing to do with the child.  I have no intention of this happening but can not blame him for how he feels.  Should that end up happening then I will hand the child to its Father at the moment of its birth and live with the consequences.
He wishes to speak to Elladan, Pendar and Ozy which makes sense for him I suppose.
We went to Hlint to collect some potions he has ordered and he made it plain he will not lay with me for fear of getting me with child.  I was mean and assumed it was fear of raising another man’s child when in fact it was fear of not being able to protect me and our unborn child from Dougal. Again I can not blame him and when I thought upon it he is right.  I have a choice but our unborn child would have none.  I will do my best to discover if I am already with child as soon as possible although I don’t think I am.  I do hope Rolf manages to find something to prevent the possibility soon as I am going to miss that aspect of our relationship greatly.
Brit went to lighten his pack in the Smithy and I followed and asked him if he would teach me to smelt. He was so happy that I had asked. It made me so happy to see the joy in his eyes.  I think together we will get through this!
We walked home for dinner and I reminded him that the Avatar wishes me to train also and suggested we train together where possible.  I also warned him about the pain when I am healed.  He took it well.  We had a nice meal and I rested although I would have rather been doing other things!

[DMOE]

I had a long talk with Master Noss today.  He really helped me put my thoughts in order.  Master Noss did say he thinks Dougal wants me for his wife but I’m not sure I agree.
Brit apologised for shouting at me.  I explained that I need to do this so I can help stop blood and then be an armour smith’s wife for a very long time!  This made him very happy.  We talked some more and then he really said a few strange things.  He asked me if I would consider trying to get with child.  His logic is that if I’m already with child when Dougal takes me then Dougal can’t get me with child.  I don’t intend to sleep with Dougal!!!!  I pointed out that if I die we would lose the baby and this did not seem to bother him that much as it would still mean Dougal wouldn’t be able to get me with child for a while anyway.  I managed to stay calm and ask a few questions to see if that’s what he really meant before I started to shout.  He hadn’t realised what he said and all is well.  I have told him we will leave it up to the fates.
Elladan arrived and we went hunting.  2 black bears, 1 brown bear and three lions.  Pelts for Shar and possible Master Argos.  Meat for the family!  Also picked Aloe.  I showed the boys just how good at sneaking I am and both got to see the pain being healed causes me first hand.
Did some mining and returned to Hlint.  Got Brit to show me how to smelt.  I am surprisingly good at it!  Think I might wish to learn more of this.  Washed some mystery rock and was watching Brit craft arrow heads when Elhara cam over and asked me to follow here.  
There is an encampment of guards outside Hlint.  We went through their defences but didn’t seeanything so I asked Brit to take me home and show me how much he loves me.  He was happy to do this.
All in all it was a good time.  I’m glad I do not have to resist my desire to touch my own husband and that he has realised we need to live our lives as best we can.  Dougal will either come or we will hear he has been defeated.  Until then I plan to enjoy myself as much as possible.

[DMOE]

Well it’s been a strange time.  I was talking to Elhara and Pendar when he heard Ozy so I went to ask him a few more questions.  He seems to think the poison is slowly turning me undead like him.  He also licked my ear.  That was strange and has left me with the burning desire to ask him what I taste like coupled with the slight fear of what he’ll say.  He also made some tactless comment about getting frisky with Dougal just in time for Brit to hear the discussion which followed.  I give up on this.  I am at the end of my tether.  I don’t want to lay with Dougal but nor will let millions be killed by Blood just for the sake of a lay my heart and soul aren’t involved in!  Having said that it must be so hard for Brit to know that!  Safe to say we did not have a good discussion.
I tried to find him later but couldn’t.  I did run into Pendar who told me Brit had stood by and let Pendar get attacked when Pendar was trying to talk to Brit.  Silly Pendar.  While my husband is a man of simple pleasures he is not stupid and does not like to be manipulated although I know he will feel bad for Pendar’s pain.
I decided to return home and wait for Brit. I meditated and had a strange dream of a person with a flaming sword hacking at me especially my left arm.  When I awoke I had what looked like an old scar of a cut which had be cauterised with a power flame on my left bicep.  My life gets stranger ever day.
There was a knock on the door and when I opened it and stepped outside it was Brit.  He asked if he could come in.  I told him it was his home.  We had a good talk.  I hope it is the last on this issue as he made me so proud to be his wife and the woman he has chosen above all others.  He is going to support me as best he can but he will not stand by while people discuss Dougal lying with me.  He admits he is jealous for which I told him I could hardly blame him!  We talked lots and it was good.  He also said that if Dougal takes me he will not listen to anything Dougal tells him and wait to hear the truth from me.  I must admit by this point my head was starting to spin but I suggested we went to Hlint to look for Ozy to talk about the scar.
When we got to Hlint Brit gave me some more money towards his debt which I banked he also got a good trade on some iron to make more armour.  We were sat on the bench hoping Ozy would wonder by when I realised I was not feeling well.  Brit the amazing man that he is spotted this and asked if I was alright.  I told him I did not feel well so he scooped me into his arms and carried me all the way home and gently laid me on the bed.  I pulled him in with me as I needed to feel his arms around me.  I think we will get through this and when we do I will never make a promise to anyone without involving Brit first again!
Maybe I should get my love to teach me to make armour soon.