A Farmer's Son

[Boxcar]

*date*

My knowledge of Mistone has grown sufficiently that I am comfortable travelling most places. My level of comfort on Mistone brought into sharp contrast my lack of knowledge of other lands. Resolved to remedy this, I purchased passage to Hurm on Dregar from a merchant vessel departing Leilon.

I had no goal in mind, other than to become more familiar with Dregar. I had been there three or four times before but never for long and did not easily recall the few places I had visited, being distracted by other matters. Hurm was not overly far from the farm on which I grew up, yet I did not feel a calling to return there just yet. I am certainly a different person now than when I left, and I am not certain if my parents would welcome the person I have become.

Upon arrival in Hurm, I found it much different than the last time I had been there. The first time, Hurm was nigh deserted as its citizens had fled due to the conflict between Mist and Shindelaria. Now, to my untrained eye, Hurm seemed a bustling seaport, though not as large as Leilon or Port Hampshire.

Departing Hurm, I avoided several camps of bandits or pirates (I was not sure which) as I travelled east. The landscaped changed as I moved farther inland, the shore turning into gentle, rolling hills, the hills in turn becoming steep mountains. I found all manners of creatures along the way, from large, fierce, seemingly-crazed men to even larger tigers, to even larger giants. A note about these giants: they appeared even larger and more ferocious than the ones I had seen on Mistone.

I found new plants and trees that I had not seen before. One such type of tree caught my eye, because I had heard Rodlin describe it since he has been seeking such a tree for some time now. It was a grand tree, with a straight trunk and a very dense crown of leaves. When I saw that the leaves were asymmetrical pairs, I thought that I had indeed found mahogany trees. Rodlin would be thrilled to hear the news. He would be less thrilled when I told him of all the giants living near by that will make the collecting of mahogany a difficult task.

After crossing the mountains, I found a large desert. I checked my canteens full, counted them and hoped they were enough. It was a good thing I carried as much water as I did, as the desert was vast and seemed to continue on forever. The desert also contained all sorts of creatures that I made significant efforts to avoid. Scorpions the size of a house, snakes nearly as large, giant ant-like creatures bigger than horses, and giants as large as those I saw in the mountains. The journey in the desert was long, and somewhere along the way, I made the mistake of being seen by one of those giants. There was no chance of running, and even less of talking, as it attacked me immediately. I consider myself fortunate to have emerged the victor.

At the far end of the desert, I found an oasis of sorts -- the city of Saudiria. This city is probably about the size of Fort Velensk back on Mistone, but seemed much larger to me after spending so much time alone in the empty desert. And each day while I was there ended in a wondrous sunset, the sun's rays almost magically transformed by the desert over which it set. I will forever remember the vision of these sunsets.

One other item of special note regarding Saudiria: It was here that I found the temple to Az'atta. I visited it and spoke with some of the clergy within, and was filled with a calm while I was there. It was a peaceful place but it did not give me quite the same feeling as when I visited the Lady's temple in Spellguard. Still, I was quite pleased to have seen it, especially after hearing Annun speak of it, and I hope to go back again some day with her.

The journey back home was long, but not overly dangerous using the knowledge I had gained. I will return to Dregar soon, for this much more to see and learn.

[Boxcar]

*date*

I returned to Dregar to continue my explorations, and this time I had a guide. Or rather, we all had a guide, as Annun knew where silver could be found and we all went. So we took passage from Port Hampshire to Point Harbor, traveled over land from there to Karthy, and another ship from Karthy to Lorindar.

Once in Lorindar, we met an interesting gnome by the name of Giddo Copperhill. I think his surname was Copperhill; I am certain his first was Giddo, however. He seemed quite certain of his own fame, and was not fazed in the least when both Annun and I confessed that we had never heard of him before, apparently attributing our lack of knowledge as a character defect on our part. Nevertheless, he seemed to be a quite agreeable chap. It seems that he, too, has a gift for the Weave, and his skills surpassed my own. I watched him closely throughout the trip, and learned even more of what you can do with the Weave. I did not learn exactly how to do some of the things he did but just knowing that these things are possible means that in time, I should be able to figure out how.

The trip was not without excitement. We stumbled across some of those ant-like creatures I had seen on my previous trip and were forced into a fight. One of them got around the fighters and headed straight for me. This creature was tough; a spell that would have felled an ogre did not stop it, and it was upon me before I could cast another. I did what any right-thinking person in my position would do: I ran, and it chased me. And I kept running, towards the rest of my friends, who by then had finished off the other ant creatures. They tried to kill it as I ran by, but it ignored their blows and continued its pursuit of me. So there I was, running, with this ant creature chasing me, and the rest of my friends chasing it. Finally, I managed to double-back, doding its swings at me as I led it back into the waiting swords of the party, who quickly dispatched it.  Annun entitled this new tactic "Chase the Kavil!", but I think I will save this one for only the most dire of circumstances.

Annun led us to the cave that we sought, and inside were many giants, some of whom could cast some dangerous magics. We defeated them and found some thin veins of silver. Unfortunately, even with our expert dwarf doing the digging, only a little silver could be extracted. Disappointing results, but we shall return someday to see if we can find more.

[Boxcar]

*date*

It has been too long since I last visited these pages in this now dusty journal.

I have been away for a long time. The destination of my travels is not important; it was the journey itself that held value for me. I traveled with no destination in mind, and I traveled alone. I missed my friends, and especially Annun, but having no specific goal allowed my mind to wander where it would. And these thoughts came to me.

I have been focused on improving my skills with the Weave, although the rate at which I could better myself has slowed considerably. Being able to work the Weave to create ever greater effects is difficult, and requires extensive practice. And often, I find that if I learn something new, I can no longer remember other things that I had been able to do. This is frustrating, at times, to say the least.

But as my progress in improving my skills with the Weave has slowed, a feeling deep within me grows -- that there must be a purpose for my talents, a reason as to why I have been gifted with these skills, and not some other.

Perhaps it is intended that I cannot better myself. Perhaps the Lady, in Her grace and wisdom, does not want me to learn too much, too quickly. Perhaps She has something in mind for me.

I must find a way to better serve the Lady. Of this, I am now certain. I am confident that I do not have the faith and determination required to pass the tests imposed on initiates to the clergy, nor the discipline to abide by their many rules. There must be some other way to serve Her, and I must find it.

[Boxcar]

*date*

Things change. It is ironic that while I have tried to become an instrument of change, I have at the same time wanted certain things to remain the same. Perhaps it was naive of me to think this could happen, and yet...

I begin to doubt. Perhaps I always should have.

My skill with the Weave grows ever so slowly. Taken alone, this fact would not bother me overly much. However, my search for service to the Lady goes unanswered. I remain convinced that my gift is granted by Her, whether by design or accident I cannot say. But if it were by design, then She seems to have forgotten me. This causes me to doubt.

I have journied with many people, most of them people like me but some of great reknown. Some of these famous figures live up to their reputations...others do not. Some that I have never before met or heard of have greatly impressed me, and I aspire to become as they are. Yet others give me pause, for with some it seems wielding great power makes them less willing to work with others, or for the common good. This, too, causes me to doubt.

Old friends have gone to places I do not know and I miss them. I fear more will follow. There are some very few things in which I have placed my absolute trust, and when that faith is shaken, the world as I see it changes. Some may say I have placed my trust in the wrong places, but I cannot accept that....and yet, this causes me to doubt.

I have lost my way. I no longer know why it is I do what I do. I do not know if what I do means anything, to anyone. I wished to prove myself....and I think I have been found wanting.

[Boxcar]

*date*

My thoughts grow darker of late.

The Lady ignores me, if even She ever knew of me. Although She is the Mother of Magic, perhaps it is not from her I am given this gift. But if not Her, then who? And for what purpose? Surely, power such as this, meager though it might be compared to others, is not an accident.

There is strife between Annun and I, and it will not end well, I fear. I will be even more lost without her.

And so, my thoughts grow darker.

I was in Berhagen mountains yesterday, with Timothy, Annun and a curious elf named Mith. Mith always seemed to have some book open, even as we ran or walked our way through the mountains. How he never tripped I do not know. We crossed paths with a woman named Sabel...Annun said she was a Corathite and would not travel with her, although Mith was willing. I did not know this Sabel but still I trust Annun's judgement despite our differences, and sided with her. Mith left with Sabel, and we crossed paths with them several more times while in the mountains. This Sabel...instinctively, I did not like her but the power she wields is undeniable, and I found it strangely compelling.

It was not long after that I learned that I could kill with but a thought--I did not even have to touch my victim. We were fighting, and I saw one giant had struck Annun from behind and was swinging to strike her again. I was certain she could not get out of the way, and I had no time for a spell, but oh, how I wished for that giant to be dead....and then it fell, its final swing never completed. I was not even sure that it was because of me. But then, I found that with the proper concentration, I could do it again...and again...and again...it was horrifying and exhilirating at the same time.

Smaller creatures are easier to slay than larger ones...the giants in particular seemed to be resistant but even they could be felled at times. Still, this is a new manifestation of power that I did not know I had. My skills with the Weave had seemingly stagnated for so long and while I wished to grow stronger, but I do not think this is the proper way. And yet....

Why could I have not learned a power that could aid people, rather than destroy them? Is this because I crossed paths with a Corathite? Is it because I no longer have faith in what I once held most dear? That I no longer have a calling or sense of purpose? Or is this a manifestation of my true nature?

[Boxcar]

*date*

Realizing that I have too many questions and no answers, I thought it wise to leave Mistone behind for a while. Perhaps distance would help lend some perspective to the problems that await me there if I should return.

And so I found myself in Pranzis again. Although I neglected to record it here, I had met King Waylend sometime ago while in the company of Rodlin, Timothy and a dwarf named Thordan Ironheart, for reasons I shall not go into now. I will note, however, that it was quite obvious that the King and Thordan knew each other well, and held each other in high regard. During the course of that meeting, the King tasked us to investigate some troublesome reports.

In the company of Thordan, Rodlin, Enzo, Dorax, Luna, Esimon, Yashilla and several others, I found myself deep in the Dark Forest at the entrance to a crypt. Although it seemed that the unnatural disturbances that we had been investigating over the past few weeks were diminished, most of us thought it prudent to investigate this crypt as it seemed to be the source of these troubles.

This crypt was a vile place, full of evil undead creatures too horrible to describe. One by one, my companions fell. Thordan and Yashilla revived those they could, and we continued deeper inside. We finally reached a center room, with a trapdoor that led even further down. It was here that Yashilla and Luna and some others refused to go any further. Luna said she had been down there before, and only death awaited whomever went. Dorax and many others were grievously wounded and would not be of any aid even if they could continue. Thordan would not be dissuaded, however, and I would not let him go alone. He descended, followed by Enzo, Rodlin, Esimon and myself.

Esimon and Enzo fell first--and I did not even see what took their lives. Thordan pressed ahead, and I followed. To abandon our cause now would dishonor our fallen companions, and render their sacrifices worthless. He was too brave to be abandoned, and...truth be told, I was not overly concerned with what might happen to me. We encountered even more horrors, worse than those we had seen above, and were overcome. I could not aid him enough, and we both fell.

We awoke some time later -- how long I do not know -- back on the surface, well away from the Dark Forest and that cursed crypt -- I cannot say how. Most of my companions had died as well, and they were there, too. Only Rodlin and one other left the crypt alive. Part of me was relieved to be free from where I had fallen and yet another part of me...did not seem to care. Perhaps death would solve my problems.

As I reflect on what happened, I am troubled by these thoughts:
- yet again, I failed my companions. Thordan, especially, deserved more than I could give.
- I died...and was returned to life by some manner unknown to me. I should want to know how and why...but I do not.
- and perhaps the most troubling -- there is a sensation of freedom granted you when you no longer care. I was nervous following Thordan to meet unknown dangers...but it was not too difficult a thing to do when I realized that I cared little for what might happen to me. Is this some form of bravery? Or despair? I have never counted myself among the brave in this world.

[Boxcar]

I am weary.

I have seen a great many things since leaving Mistone--some wondrous, some horrible. I have seen great power, wielded for both good and evil. Things that should inspire one to great deeds, and yet still I feel a detachment as I wonder about my purpose. Where is the great cause that should give my life meaning? There is the conflict with Blood, of course, and this is no trivial thing for the fate of the world depends on its outcome. But that is fought for survival and not necessarily from passion. And if Blood should win out--my worries will cease, as I will be dead. And if Blood should be defeated--my worries will remain.

Over the course of my travels away from Mistone, I accompanied the group that restored the guardian of Celestia. We had inadvertantly caused the plane to be left unguarded and this was our one opportunity to make amends. Some of the most powerful people of the day were there: Reventage, Rhizome, Remiel, Enzo, Thordan Ironheart and many others, some of whom I knew and many I did not. This group battled its way through many great dangers, and while my powers are weak compared to most, I aided where I could. Our journey took us to Celestia, and it is a beautiful place--Ozymandius' description did not do it justice. But while pleasing to the eyes, my heart was unmoved. Ultimately, we were successful and so Aranna, daughter of Ireth, is now guardian of Celestia.

Thordan Ironheart was part of this group, and once again he proved to have a level head and more courage than most. My mind is at ease in his company, something I have not often felt these past weeks, and I am sure there is much to be learned from him. He can be gruff at times, as befits a dwarf, but I've never seen him withhold aid from one who needed it.

Not long after, I returned to Mistone. The distance that I had hoped would lend perspective, did not. The answers to the problems that plague me, remain.

I happened along a meeting near the Shifter's Tower, where I learned that Blood had a huge navy that threatened Mistone, Dregar and Roldem. The Shifter appeared to us there, and foretold of Blood's invasion of Roldem. Plans were quickly made to warn those we could, including the Queen of Mistone and the King of Dregar. A large contingent travelled to Roldem to warn those we could and secure something valuable to us so as to avoid it falling into Blood's hands. Once in Roldem, we encountered some of Blood's advance troops and had several skirmishes. In the end, we prevailed, although against just the smallest fraction of his army, and escaped to Dregar with our prize. Although I learned much at this gathering, now there are even more questions and information that I need. And the Shifter's vision proved true, as the Queen has announced Roldem's fall.

I had left Mistone some time ago to seek perspective, and perhaps a few answers to my problems. I am not sure if I have found anything that I sought but I have at least reached some conclusions that may help me get by.

I am in pain. Pain is easier dealt with once accepted. Resisting it, fighting it--causes it to increase and makes it uncontrollable. But by allowing it to flow through me, wash over me, become part of me--it can be managed, used even. A part of me dies--part of my spirit--when I allow that to happen but it lets me survive. Only time will tell if that part of me ever returns. But if that day should ever arrive, will I even notice? Will I have become accustomed to a life of pain? What has life become if it is to be measured by the absence of pain?

I have little faith in anything anymore. I did once, and it was then that I had a sense of purpose. But that is now lost....and so am I.

[Boxcar]

*date*

Killing grows easier, and weighs both more and less upon my soul. It should not be so easy to slay another living creature as to do it with little more than a thought, and the fact that I can even do it at all unnerves me. And yet...the ease with which I can do it...the suddeness, the efficiency...the finality of it...somehow satisfies something inside me. I am thankful this ability frightens me but thankful still that I have it.

I find myself using this...talent? skill?...more and more now; so much so that it is nearly a reflex. If I am unpleasantly surprised, it is often my first thought. If I am angered, it is often my first thought and I must restrain myself. But it does not work every time. And my feelings on this are mixed as well. It is frustrating and annoying when it does not work, but my mind is somewhat less burdened in the knowledge that I cannot and will not always kill, regardless of my intent. But are these failures due to a lack of conviction or some flaw in my ability to work the Weave...or could it be a result of some measure of compassion deep within me? Is this a strength or a weakness?

*in a rougher script*
So many questions and no answers!!! I have no answers because I do not know myself!!! How do I find these out? How do I learn who I really am or what I really am? Why would a simple farmer's son be faced with these trials? Why do I torment myself with these thoughts?

*date*

Amidst my travels in search of answers and self-contemplation, I met someone completely unlike me in nearly every measure.

Acacea Thistletounge. Lion-Tamer, Smile-Starter, Griffon-Grappler, Rat-Wrestler, Life-Saver, Bread-Taster...the list of her titles is endless, as are her stories and pranks. To see her is to bring a smile to your face, something I have not done much of recently. I had seen her often in and about Hlint but only recently have I really talked to her and begun to know her, however little.

We have travelled together in a group several times now...she has developed a penchant for saving my life, and does not let me forget it. Why she feels I should be saved is a mystery to me; it must be something she does for everyone she can. After saving me, she often as not gives me pie! She seemingly has a never-ending supply of it.

She is a free spirit--a good soul, full of energy and a love for life, and her enthusiasm is contagious. When I speak with her, she can almost make me forget my troubles. Her smiles and laughter are infectious, and I am sure she brightens the lives of all whom she meets, not just my own. For she seems to know everyone, and to prove it, we played a game where I named just about everyone I knew to see if she knew them as well. And she did--every one.  

Her stories are wonderful and fantastic -- I can scarcely make myself believe them all. And in our conversations -- we have talked of many things, regarding both her and me -- she is insightful and perceptive. She helps give things a new perspective, a different way to look at things. She is a keeper of secrets and a holder of knowledge.

Yet like everyone else, she has a past and while I do not know most of it, I can tell she feels sorrow. She was especially close to Aleister, a mage of no small talent whom I did not know, and it is obvious that his recent departure troubles her. Yet, she seems to be able to mostly shake it off. I would help her if I could but I doubt she'd accept, even if there were something I could do.

I find that I have enjoyed our few talks, and hope we have more. I would count myself a friend to her, if she ever needs another.

[Boxcar]

*date*

I awoke. My eyes opened, looked up and saw nothing--the darkness was complete. I lay there on my back, knowing I should sleep but something silent called to me and it would not be ignored. I sprang out of bed, perfectly alert. Gathering my things, I left the house and headed towards Pranzis. At the crest of one hill, I could see the glow of the city over the horizon to the west and I was reminded of something I had heard Brisbane say once: the city had grown too large and nature was rebelling. I briefly wondered if she was right. It did not matter at the moment, though, as the city was not my destination. I would go around it; the call did not come from there.

Time seemingly stood still as I travelled around the city, the lights glowing in the distance occasionally disappearing as I moved through patches of trees. As I walked, the call grew stronger within me. Finally, I was standing in front of a forest and I knew this was my destination. This silent call had turned into a yearning, almost a hunger...and somehow I knew it would only be sated inside the forest. It was time to hunt.
.
.
.
The giant died like all the rest before it. It had been slowly wandering the forest, doing whatever it is that giants do--probably looking for food, I think. He -- she? -- barely even knew I
was there before its life was ripped from its body with little more than a thought from me. I looked around, to be sure there were no others, before I approached the body. I had been surprised before, and now was not the time to let down my guard. I stood above it, staring down into its now almost peaceful but still ugly face. What was its last thought, I wondered, if it had had one at all? This creature, so very large and physically intimidating had been nearly defenseless before me. I turned away from it to continue the hunt.
.
.
.
I emerged from the forest just as the sun began to set. A full day had I spent in there, constantly moving...constantly killing. How many giants fell? Truth be told, I did not keep count. It
mattered not at the time. For as I hunted, everything that troubled me was pushed into the deepest recesses of my mind--not forgotten, no, never forgotten--but it was a reprieve, however slight. I began the long trek back to the house, the call silenced. For now.

[Boxcar]

*date*

Again I awoke into darkness, my eyes staring upwards into nothing. That silent call was present again -- but distant. In my mind's eye, I could see the dead giants I had left behind me the last time I heeded the call, their corpses littered throughout the forest, and an unexpected wave of remorse coursed through me. I closed my eyes and saw that dead giant's vacant eyes staring back at me. I willed myself to ignore them, and to ignore the call...the yearning...I tried to think on different things but other thoughts would not come willingly.

The urgency began to build. My fists gripped the bedsheets as if to hold myself down while energy flowed through my body, demanding release. Instinctively, I knew that to give in to this would be to lose control -- to lose myself in the hunt. The temptation was strong -- if I would just give myself over, my mind would be granted the reprieve from my troubles that it sought. But at what cost?

..and so I fought the urge with all my willpower, if for no other reason than to be obstinate. The easy path is usually not the right one...and I had done nothing to deserve to be free of my problems. My eyes clenched shut against the darkness and conscious thought faded.

[Boxcar]

*date*

Again I awoke but this time not to darkness. A few rays from the sun slipped between the curtains, letting me know that it was past daybreak. I moved to get up and groaned for my body was unexpectedly stiff and sore. And I was still so tired, as if I'd not slept at all. I lay there as I tried to collect my thoughts, and I recalled a dream that had been so vivid...

I had dreamt that I was in the forest...the way ahead of me was so dim that I could barely see and yet I was moving quickly, almost running, as if I knew the path, as if I had been there before--that somehow, I knew there would be no obstruction on it that would cause me to stumble and fall.  Behind me, I knew without looking that the blackness was tinged with a crimson glow, as if from the dying embers of a campfire. My strides carried me ever forward. Indistinguishable shapes materialized ahead and beside me as I moved--some were small, some large, some seemed friendly but most were threatening. As I moved past these shapes, all but a very few withered and died, falling to the leaf-strewn ground. And yet I continued forward without looking behind me or glancing to either side, somehow needing to be moving, always moving...to stop was to become nothing. But suddenly, I was forced to halt for there before me was a crevice, darker than the darkest black. I could not see the bottom nor could I see a distant edge. Instinctively, I knew that I needed to jump -- whether to the far edge that I could not see, or to the bottom which I also could not see, I was not sure if it mattered where -- jumping was the only way to keep moving. But something held me back, kept me from deciding. I turned, and realized those formless shapes continued to appear, encircling me, beginning to press against me, forcing me back towards the crevice. Anger stirred within me, and the shapes began to wither again, falling away from me. But now they began to appear more quickly than I could dispatch them, and it was clear that it would only be a matter of time before they forced me down into that darkness -- it was only a matter of time before it would no longer be my decision to make. I grew frantic, my wrath grew stronger still, and for a brief moment I could hold my own. But I also knew that I would not be able to maintain it for long. And then I woke.

I have given this dream some thought but I fear putting those thoughts on paper may somehow give them an import they do not have just yet. I shall hold them to myself for just a bit longer.

I resolved to return to Mistone. The longer I remained on Dregar, the stronger the yearning grew to go to the forest and hunt. I could sometimes resist the call but other times...it is easier to resist when I am with others. I think I am most vulnerable to it when alone. Accordingly, I will seek the company of others; perhaps distance and numbers will allow me to resist this urge.

*date*

Mistone seems smaller to me now. Perhaps it is because I am more familiar with it than any other place I know. Perhaps there is little need for me there anymore. Perhaps some of the memories I have from there are too painful now. Whatever the reason, I have found I have little desire to spend much time there, although there remain good reasons to stay. There is still the defense of Mistone from Blood and his generals and armies...so many people that are worth meeting, even though I know so few.

I visited the Leilon Arms for the first time. I'd heard much about it, particularly from Acacea, and it intrigued me. It really is quite grand, although while I was there it seemed a bit quiet which suited me fine. I met some new people, and saw some others that I knew. All in all, it was a good time and I should like to go back. But despite all this, Mistone did not hold my interest for long and so I found myself longing to return to Dregar. But worse, even across all the leagues that separated Dregar from Mistone, I felt the call again.

*date*

And so I have returned to Dregar again, alone. I stopped at the house but nothing there could hold my interest for long, as the need to be moving was irresistible. I left the house but instead of going to the forest, I went north. Soon I found a young drake, a most fearsome beast, near the bodies of three fallen warriors in the Black Hills. It appeared to me to be kin to dragonkind but perhaps that is only my imagination. Nevertheless, it had killed what looked to be three capable warriors, and was clearly something not to be trifled with. The wise course of action would have been to travel around it but I found that I could not. I would test myself against it. Could it be killed as easily as a giant? For some reason I did not understand, part of me hoped it could not.

I confronted it and it attacked. It let forth a terrible bellows that rang my ears and nearly knocked me down. I let forth a stream of magic energy followed by bolts of fire but it was not stopped. Then it was upon me, its wings beating upon me in a frenzy, raking me with its claws, snapping at me with its maw, the bloodlust evident in its eyes...my wards were all that were saving me and they were already beginning to fail. I reached with my mind for its life, just as I had to countless giants before...I reached then pulled and...nothing! I had hurt it -- it's screams became even more frenzied -- but I had not killed it! A thrill ran down my spine born of the shock of failure but also of hope that this power was not limitless. But this feeling was short-lived because I found myself weakening and falling under the drake's assault. In desperation, I tried again, reaching, hoping, hating...and the beast fell dead at my feet. I stood above it, propped up by my staff as I looked down at it, tired and sore and bleeding. It had died, and I had lived, and...I felt nothing. Why do I not feel anything?

[Boxcar]

*date*

Pain......despair.....hatred.

These are the emotions with which I now live nearly every day and which seem to influence my every action. I find myself quicker to anger, less likely to tolerate the foolishness that I sometimes see. There has been more loss in the last few weeks than I would ever have thought possible -- and over such a short time. I have resisted writing the words that follow -- because to put them on paper makes this stark reality all the more real, and may force me to accept it, as well as make me see that I am not the person that I once might have hoped to be. Three separate losses have I experienced recently, each painful in their own way, one more so than than the rest.

Yar has fallen for the final time. His devotion to his god protected him not at all. Neither did I. I was there when the bugbears attacked, along with Rodlin and Timothy, and I failed him, as did his god. What use are a paladin's vows when no aid is given when it is needed most? We were overwhelmed, and my powers could not match their numbers and ferocity. Yar made a valiant effort trying to hold them away from us and if my skill had matched his courage, he would not have fallen.

I know more of bugbears now. I know, for example, that each bugbear tribe is marked and the markings of this particular tribe that killed Yar is called the Eternal Flame. And I also know that while I live, this tribe will know fear, and death.

It would have been better if I had fallen; Yar was one of the few good souls I knew and the world is poorer for his loss.

I have lost Annun completely. She has suffered loss of her own, and now she is gone. No amount of searching by me or Leva these many weeks has been able to find her. She knows the land too well and will not be found by me if she chooses not to be but still I worry for her. There is a void within me now that I think will never heal. I do not think she knows yet of what happened to Yar and she should hear it from a friend.  

Finally, I have heard that Thordan Ironheart has been taken. I did not know him nearly well enough yet I grieve his death. Each time I saw him, he was an example of honor and courage, and somehow I knew that if I could emulate him, in even the simplest things, that I would be a better person. I had harbored thoughts of learning from him -- hoping, perhaps, that honor and courage are attributes that could be taught and are not necessarily innate to the person as I fear they might be. I was indebted to him and still consider myself to be. He brought me back from death twice and I am certain that it was not without great personal cost to him each time. But never did he mention it to me nor did he expect anything in return. As with Yar, Thordan's passing also makes this world a lesser place.

And so I grieve, for those lost to me. I mourn the loss of friendship and companionship. I grieve that the world will not see all they had yet to accomplish, for never will I doubt that great things lay ahead for all of them. But I will learn. I may never achieve greatness, but I will grow in strength so that these things may never happen again, so that those close to me will never be hurt, so that I can protect the ones I love however few they may be. And perhaps someday I will no longer grieve.

Pain......despair.....hatred.  Do I have the strength to learn from them, overcome them? Or are these the things that will define me?

[Boxcar]

*date*

I found myself wandering Hlint, feeling a bit out of sorts, when I recalled the song that Acacea had sung to me some time ago. It had been mesmerizing...I have not the words that would do this song justice...it seemed as if she somehow *became* the Weave as she sang. I've never seen or heard anything like it, before or since. I also recalled that she had mentioned a blue flower, found only in Spellguard, when she first sang this song. I decided to go there to see this flower to see what was so special about it.

As I started towards Spellguard, I saw Acacea. After I'd told her what I intended, she informed me that the flower blooms but once a year, and that it had done so already. Although that was disappointing to hear, I thought to still go and she offered to go along, which I happily accepted. We found not the flower but a gathering at the Arcane Tower in Spellguard. It would seem that Rhizome, along with Thordan and Enzo, had been attacked earlier and Rhizome had determined that his assailant was from Spellguard. We learned that a woman named Elanna was likely behind it. Rhizome, along with Brisbane, had gathered a group to investigate.

More clues pointed us to the Wolfswood Forest and so this group travelled there, Acacea and I among them. There, we learned from a nymph that the seven Wolfswood Yew trees transplanted from Voltrex had been destroyed. I do not know Rhizome as I have not seen or talked to him often, but he was quite clearly angered when he learned of this -- angry enough, I think, that he might be tempted to kill when he might not otherwise. Those may have been beautiful trees but otherwise they mean little enough to me. Still, if he decides someone needs to be dead because of what has happened to them...well, that is where my talents seem to lie these days.

We travelled deeper into the forest to find a pentagram etched in the ground. The area around the pentagram was dead...trees withered, grass blackened...with two dead dwarves laying upon two points of the pentagram, two dead deer on two other points, and the final point uncovered. It seemed the pentagram was drawing energy from the surrounding area. Many of us were weakened when standing near it; for some reason, some of us could resist it, at least for a while. Rhizome attempted to pull one of the bodies away but was himself somehow affected -- weakened perhaps. He seemed to recover well enough after a few moments but it is certainly a matter of concern that someone as powerful as he could be affected so. The next time something risky like that must be done, it should be done by someone like me who is not so important as the High Druid.

It would seem this Elanna has somehow developed an ability to draw energy from magical items and the life force of living things. I wonder what could be possible with access to such energy? This will be worth investigating.

Acacea was acting differently this day. She talked often of someone named Athus who she deems to be a great healer -- The Great Healer, actually -- and how she had finally noticed how attractive he was in his white robes (which she apparently did not normally care for but it worked for him) and what a great person he was. Acacea seemed quite taken with him. Really, for someone who had before told me that love was such a silly thing, she seemed to have changed her opinion quite quickly. I found it somewhat...odd...that she should change like this seemingly overnight but I suppose love can make people behave differently. It should be interesting to see how her relationship progresses.

She'd also mentioned that she had sung that song again -- the one of the Weave -- but this time with Alantha who sang a different song at the same time. An interesting coincidence that their duet should happen just before Acacea became smitten with this Athus, and even more so since Acacea mentioned some others that seem to have developed similar feelings for each other after those two had sung. I suspect this may not be a coincidence, after all. She will bear some watching, I think.

[Boxcar]

*date*

The group gathered in Wolfswood again to continue the investigation of this Elanna. Katrien had lead a group to the Great Library and learned that Elanna was the name of the thrice-born queen of the Azhurte, an outcast elven tribe that somehow refused to join the current age. And from Elanna's sister, Brisbane and Rhizome learned that the Azhurte had warred with the dwarves in the distant past, and it appeared Elanna intended to continue that war in the present.

Seems the yew trees that had been cut down had been created and used to make weapons that are especially effective against dwarves. We examined their remains, and I could tell that the tree's sap had been magically altered into something...vile, evil. Merely being in its presence caused me and some others some pain.

We then traced Elanna to a cave in the swamp outside Karthy, and after some bit of adventuring, discovered her bound within flames at the bottom of this cave. She was somehow channeling, or was being used to channel, a stream of magical energy and it was obvious that she was in pain. Surprisingly -- to me, at least -- she called to Toran for aid.

After much effort, Klaugrene, Rhizome and Brisbane managed to free her, and we were forced to flee the cave as it began to collapse. Outside the cave, Elanna claimed to be a paladin of Toran that had been imprisoned by...herself. The first incarnation of herself, an evil incarnation -- the one that was behind the attacks earlier. To prevent the first incarnation from achieving singularity -- and the power to destroy the dwarves - Elanna said she must be killed. Again, for she had lived once a very long time ago. She asked Klaugrene, another paladin of Toran, to do the deed. He hesitated...but he did it. Time will tell if it was the right thing to do, although after the deed was complete, a light shone down on Elanna's body and then Klaugrene's. Perhaps that was a sign of approval from Toran, perhaps not -- I do not understand the ways of gods, especially that one.

The remains of the yew trees still bear further investigation and it must be decided what will be done with them. As well, I do not know what became of the first incarnation of Elanna with the death of the second.

*date*

In my room, I found a note from Annun today and my worries for her are eased slightly as I know she still lives.

*date*

Visited the Leilon Arms again. Somewhat to my surprise, I have found it to my liking. It is a place to meet new people and old friends, and perhaps to forget your worries for a short while. Jharl, the proprietor, seems to be a friendly sort, quick with a smile and even quicker with an ale. I begin to see some of the same faces there and it is somehow comforting. To converse with others, even over trivial matters -- maybe because they are trivial -- is a pleasant diversion to keep me from other thoughts that I do not care to dwell on but cannot seem to ignore.

As the evening grew late, most patrons had left until it was only Acacea, Kali, Derrick and myself remaining. Acacea challenged Kali to another game of coins, for she had lost her title of coins champion to Kali only a week or so earlier and seemed eager to reclaim it. They needed someone to pour drinks and keep score, and as Derrick was more in the mood for drinking than pouring, that duty fell to me.

So I found myself behind the bar, pouring drinks and watching Kali trounce Acacea again -- this contest was not as close as the last one I'd seen between them, although it did take longer, and somewhere along the way Derrick passed out on a nearby couch. To her credit, Acacea improved with each drink so perhaps she might have won if the contest had been first to 25 instead of first to five as they'd agreed. After these two contests, though, I begin to wonder if Acacea had only been champion because Kali had been absent.

As the contest neared its inevitable conclusion, in walked a hooded and cloaked figure. Although I had not seen her in a long time, I knew that it was Annun. She was quiet, withdrawn -- not the Annun I have known. Knowing it was not a good time but thinking there never really would be, I told her of Yar's passing but she had already known. I had hoped that she could have heard it from a friend but apparently that was not to be. She did not stay long and did not say when I might see her again.

Acacea and Kali had finished their match and were looking for something else with which to entertain themselves, but ... I could stay at the Arms no longer. My thoughts and attention were no longer there. I took my leave of them and travelled to Dregar. There..*the tail of the "e" is extended and ends in a blot, as if the quill had rested there for a period of time*

*the next few lines are repeatedly lined out as to be illegible*

After leaving the forest behind me, I visited the spot where Yar had fallen. Some daisies grew there now. I stood there for a little while, thinking on some of the things we had done together. When I could not bear to think any longer, I left -- I could sense the Eternal Flame near. They would not see me until too late.

[Boxcar]

*date*

The dream came to me again.

The dark forest surrounded me as I moved forward. I was advancing quickly, not quite running but not walking, either. I was searching for something that lay ahead of me, something I needed, something I wanted. The trees with their leaves hanging limply from their branches flowed past me, as if they were the ones moving and not I. The path on which I travelled was soft, smooth, strewn with fallen leaves. As before, the forest was murky, gloomy -- but still I progressed, again somehow knowing the path would be clear. I glanced behind me once to see that the footsteps I left behind were tinged with a dim, reddened glow.

Those shapes began to appear again, ahead of me, beside me, behind me. Nearly all were indistinguishable from each other -- merely formless, vaguely threatening shapes that began to close in as soon as they formed. Some, as they neared me, withered and fell to the ground. Others drew closer still. I thought to stop them but despite the unease I felt, I hesitated, curious perhaps -- wanting to know what would happen. Then one touched me and a burning flash of pain exploded within me. My anger flared and those closest to me erupted in obisidian flames, burnt to ashes that slowly drifted down to the ground. But I did not notice, for I had let them get too close and I could not stop them now. A second struck me, followed closely a third, and I was nearly blinded from the agony of their touch. A pitch-black flash burst from me, incinerating those shapes closest, giving me space and again opening the path ahead. Quickly, I began to move as the pain slowly subsided into a dull ache, my eyes searching ahead, watching yet more shapes form.

But here and there, scattered among all these things, some very few would softly glow with warmth, like the glow of candlelight from a window on a dark, wintry night. These few lights felt like promises -- of kindness? warmth? comfort? hope? -- but they would not come closer as the dark shadows tried and I could not bring myself to attempt to approach them. Every now and then, one would burn brighter momentarily before fading back to a soft glow.

I continued down the path, with but a thought incinerating anything that approached, now certain of their threat. Suddenly, I tripped and found myself sprawled along the path. What had once been a smooth path, and somehow known to me, was now rough and strewn with old, dead branches and dried grasping roots. I picked myself up, somewhat shocked as I saw the changed path but not comprehending why. Something intrinsic within me had known the path but now that was gone. The gloomy trees around me now seemed foreboding, malevolent. Those threatening shapes held themselves at bay, waiting, perhaps watching as they slowly formed a wall behind me. There would be no going back. I stood there, looking at the way ahead, knowing I must continue.

And then I woke.

I looked up into the darkness of the room, staring. It would be long before I slept again.

[Boxcar]

*date*

I have been fortunate in the little time I have been spending on Mistone to cross paths with Annun on a few occasions. Each time I see her, she seems to be more herself and this gladdens me. It was through one of these chance meetings that I met Lalaith. A small group, Lalaith and Annun among them, were planning a raid against some kenkus to exact revenge for a perceived slight to Owen's hat. *written in the margin are the words "Owen claims to have a talking hat--I need to see that"* Once they learned I had some skills that would make this raid a bit easier, they invited me along to Rilara with them.

The raid was successful, and revenge exacted Owen's behalf. The group dispersed but Lalaith and I remained to talk for a while. We learned a little of each other; she is a trove of knowledge but quiet and hesitant to speak of what she knows. It seemed to me that she has a troubled spirit.

Perhaps one of the more remarkable abilities that Lalaith possesses is the ability to become one with the shadows. She can blend with the shadows and disappear even as you watch her; it is truly amazing, and something I have never seen before. I know a way to pierce those shadows but that makes her uncomfortable, and so I try not to do that when she is around.

She said she had a feeling about me, although she did not elaborate on it. I often wonder what it is that caused her to tell me that. But I have a feeling about her, too; one that it is hard to put a name to. I think she needs a friend, someone to trust. Perhaps I can find a way to show her she can trust me.

[Boxcar]

*date*

I watched the bugbears of the Eternal Flame move about their camp. The sentries had not seen me, for this time I had decided they should not. I often chose to attack them from within their camp because the surprise was more complete, their looks of fear -- for I had learned that they do fear -- more sudden and more satisfying to me. On a few occasions, I would first attack the sentries, allowing the rest of them to prepare and arm themselves. I still am not sure if I did this to give myself more of a challenge or to give them the illusion that they had a chance against me. To see the hope in their eyes fade into despair as they died was a cruel thing but I found it satisfying.

So I stood amongst them as I had many times before, watching them. Some would argue over whatever filth they were eating, others engaged in some crude games of chance that I did not understand, still others tended to their weapons and armor. I do not know what I looked for as I watched and after a short while, decided it was time. As I had done so many times before, I reached for the Weave and a searing burst of light lit the camp. Perhaps half of them fell to the ground blinded, their hands clutching their heads. The others reacted slowly at first, surprised to suddenly see me standing amidst them where before there had been no one. Their surprise turned to anger as they reached for the closest weapons and charged. I brought fire down upon them, scorching and killing most of them. In the distance, I saw their shaman trying to cast a spell of his own. I formed the Weave around him into a fist that crushed him and brought him down. Some others were close enough to strike me but my wards turned their blows back against them, killing them. The sentries, safe from my initial onslaught, came running towards me and I turned to them. One by one I reached for them with my mind and each fell dead to the ground. As suddenly as the fight had begun, it was over. I carefully walked around, checking each before being satisfied that they were all dead.

Again, I stood in the middle of their camp now watching the stilled bodies around me. So many of them...these I could now add to the countless others I had slain before. That slow, cold burning anger that had raged within me since Yar's death remained but there was something else -- another feeling that had been growing stronger of late. I had ignored it but could no longer -- I was tired of this relentless killing. How many more must I kill to sate my anger? Is there a limit? All this death and nothing seems to have changed.

A movement in the trees caught me eye. A lone bugbear, staring at me. It turned and ran. I considered for a moment the way I wanted it to die...but then did nothing. I watched it run until I could see it no more. Then I left.

[Boxcar]

*date*

I write this long after these events occurred but the memories of them still burn brightly in my mind.

The group met at Moraken's tower. So many people...some of whom I knew, most I did not. There was Reventage, the Harper of Ilsare...Triba Gues, ambassador to Voltrex...Plenarius Ashaley, the Bird Lord and Eyes of Katia...Ozymandius, the powerful and knowledgeable bard but one I do not trust...Kobal Bluntaxe, a hearty dwarf of whom I had but passing knowledge...Talan Va'lash, the best archer I had ever seen...his sister, Lalaith, who could become one with the shadows...Lia Di'makiir, a wizard of some power and a leader of the Arcane Guild--and one who apparently has had some dealings with Xandrial in the past...Alantha, a Drow sorceress whose powers far surpassed my own...Athus, priest to Aeridin...Michaelis and Synal'dur, both powerful paladins of Toran...Brac'ar, a dwarven wizard....Connor Garvill, the first sorceror I had ever met and another powerful within the Arcane Guild...Bil, a goblin and I think a wizard...and others, too many more to list. I tried and failed to fool myself into believing I belonged among them and yet I could not make myself leave--for some reason I had a need to be part of this, however insignificant my role might be.

Moraken spoke of Shifter's Necklace and how he'd chased and fought Xandrial across the planes. He thought he'd killed Xandrial then, but did not find the necklace. Moraken thought it possible that Xandrial had traded the necklace to another demon, Amarandbrone, Lord of the Layers of Waermalsavarian. I had no idea where this was or even what it meant, other than it could not be good. The only way to know for certain, according to Moraken...was to ask Xandrial himself. And so the group left to do just that and more. We would retrieve this necklace wherever it might be.

Reventage afforded everyone the use of the portal within her house in Hlint and the group made its way to Arabel. The journey to Xandrial's fortress was not without incident but we encountered nothing that was too difficult to overcome. I did not know the path to Xandrial's fortress and was content to follow those who did. Along the way, Kobal shared with us a vision he'd had concerning Xandrial. According to the vision, Xandrial wanted to return to rule the plane in the Abyss from which he'd come...but could not because he had been forced out by another demon, one stronger than him. But also in that vision was the knowledge that Xandrial knew we were coming.

As we approached the Demon Mountains in which lay Xandrial's fortress, we began to battle ever more dangerous opponents. Demons the likes of which I'd never before seen -- maraliths, snake-like creatures with six arms that each held a sword; giant spider demons; succubi; large winged blue demons. There were fire giants, too, that were unlike any other giants I had ever seen. These fire giants were larger, more powerful and some could rain fire from the skies upon us. These battles became much more difficult and I do not think we would all have survived without the healing magics of Athus, Plenarius, Reventage and others.

Finally we reached the base of the mountain to Xandrials keep. There was no obvious path up; it would be a climb. But the very rocks oozed blood as if the mountain itself were bleeding. I did not want to think on what could cause a mountain to bleed.

More demons awaited us outside the fortress entrance but they were defeated. We prepared ourselves then entered Xandrial's keep. Disaster struck! The most terrible demons awaited us inside--demons of such hatred and power beyond my imagination. The battle that was waged was most terrible and many of us fell. We were cornered just inside the entrance and at a disadvantage. My spells did not seem to help much in deciding the outcome but our group eventually prevailed. Athus and Reventage brought back from death's grip those that they could. We carried the others outside and back down the mountain so that we could recover and reorganize. It seemed to me that a frontal assault like the one we had just attempted would not work but no one knew of another way.

Then Kobal found help. At that time, who or what helped us was not clear to me...but suddenly we seemed to be on a plane of shadows of some sort. We could see our surroundings but it seemed that none could see us. We travelled through Xandrial's fortress in this state passing by countless demons of unimaginable strength but none saw us. When we reached another level in the fortress we passed from this plane of shadows and back into our own.

We fought our way forward until we found ourselves standing before Xandrial, who was far and away the largest demon I have ever seen. Even I, who has no feel for these things, could feel the evil that emanated from him. Xandrial offered us a deal. He was ready to return to his home in the Abyss and required us to clear the path for him. His task for us: clear the path to Amarandbrone. When this demon was hurt, Xandrial would arrive to finish him. In return, he would give us Shifter's necklace and allow us to live. If we chose not to aid him, he would take our souls then and there. There was little to discuss and our decision was clear.

I find it difficult to put into words the things I saw in the Abyss...and so I will not. I fear I will never forget the memories of what I have seen there no matter how much I wish to and writing of what I saw will not help with that. I will note only that I wish never to return there.

In the end, though, we faced the demon Amarandbrone and his lieutenants. Soon after, Xandrial arrived as he said he would. He pulled the necklace we sought from Amarandbrone's body and held it before us for what seemed an eternity...and then handed it to Lia. Chaos erupted then, with demons fighting demons and Xandrial laying waste to all before him. A portal appeared and we jumped through it to escape, finding ourselves back in Arabel.

We'd accomplished what we sought and Xandrial was gone. I had hoped we would retrieve the necklace... but to imagine Xandrial gone had never crossed my mind. If he truly was gone, then Blood had been weakened. What we had done was a good thing, an important thing. Perhaps, finally, I have been part of something that will matter to the world.

[Boxcar]

*date*

A letter in a beautiful script but with no signature received. Although I do not think I could forget the words within it, I record them here.

A moment, an hour, a day, a week
 Time passes and he loses sleep
 Something develops where imagination lies
 This something she saw it, in his eyes.
 
 A small power if fostered would grow in time
 Something within, but so out of line
 What do you see when you close your eyes?
 Is it something beyond where imagining lies.

[Boxcar]

*date*

Rodlin and I were in Lorindar, having just returned from a short adventure on Xantril. Near the docks we nearly stumbled over poor little Millie, perhaps the second quickling to whom I have spoken (some have named these curious creatures brownies but I have heard they prefer to be called quicklings and so I shall). She had just had a rather unfortunate experience with some giants on Xantril and she sought help in returning to where she had fallen.

When I asked her what had happened, Millie told me that she likes to draw maps, and especially maps of places she had never before seen. So she travels about, here and there, and maps the places she goes. Normally, she keeps herself hidden while travelling and mapping and avoids trouble that way but this time, however, it seems one of the giants noticed her. In her words, the last thing she saw was a huge foot coming down on her.

Rodlin had business elsewhere so I agreed to accompany her back to Xantril, for it would not be safe for her to go alone. The passage by ship was uneventful and we were soon in Arabel. We swiftly made our way through that blighted city and into the wilderness beyond, and I used the Weave to keep us hidden from unfriendly eyes. The journey to where Millie had fallen did not take too long; we arrived and she
recovered while I watched the many giants milling about, trying to discern which one might have killed her. We left and returned to the docks in Arabel to seek passage back.

Millie thanked me for my help as we looked for a ship that would be departing soon. She even apologized for not being able to pay me for my aid with gold, although I would not have accepted any from her. She did give me some blueberries instead, which I thought to be far more valuable than any coin she might have offered for it was a kind gesture. It did not take overly long to find a ship that was headed to Karthy, where she wanted to go. Before she boarded, I gave her a few coins so that she would not be without and bade her farewell, telling her I would find a different ship as Karthy was not where I needed to be.

I watched the ship leave, with her waving to me from it. I watched it leave until I could see her no more and then I left the docks. Cloaking myself with the Weave, I returned again to where Millie had fallen, my heart slowly growing colder as I walked. Millie seemed ingenuous and innocent to me; whether that be true or not, I did not want her to see anything that might change that. I did not want her to see what I was about to do.

The many giants were still there and I hoped that the one who had slain Millie was among them. I set my wards and then unleashed the power of the Weave upon them. Fire and lightning ripped through the air burning and blinding them. Bolts of magical energy flew from my fingers at every giant I could see. Those giants that could still see ran to me with hatred in their eyes, but theirs could not match my own. I set about, striking those that I could with my staff and the battle grew ever more chaotic as I tried to duck their blows while weaving amongst these monsters. At some point in the battle, I became a giant among giants, exchanging blow for blow with them, killing them as they sought to do the same to me. Before too long, the battle was over and I surveyed this glade I was in. The signs of battle were all around me -- charred grass, scorched bushes and trees, blood-spattered leaves, giant bodies strewn about -- but I knew the glade would in time recover and there would soon be no sign that I had ever been there.

With a final look around, I slowly began the journey back to Arabel and then to Dregar.