Rules for writing a fantasy novel

[Pseudonym]

Inspired by a couple of recent threads on favourite books and authors, coupled with way too much time on my hands here at work, I have decided to create (yet) another Just for Fun thread .... this one entitled,

"Rules for writing a fantasy novel"

I'll get the ball rolling to give you the general idea!

#1. The grizzled ex-champion
There is always a grizzled ex-gladiator/champion who teaches our would-be hero how to fight. At first, the ex-champion (who had been demoted from his original position either due to having being defeated in melee by the main enemy or, more likely, by adhering to his iron code of honour even though it would inevitably lead to his banishment/firing) rubs our hero up the wrong way with his gruff manner and blunt manner of speech. Eventually the two become inseparable, the hero winning the implacable teacher's respect and admiration when he eventually disarms him during a training session.

[Pseudonym]

#2. The girl
There has to be a gorgeous blonde, possibly even the wife of the enemy but only because her father had sold her to pay off a wrongfully incurred debt to the evil overlord's regime. There will never be a mention of physical love (so as to not threaten our romantically-challenged reader, ie. me at age 16).

[Pseudonym]

#3. Ignore technological evolution
Fantasy worlds always have inexplicable gaps in their technology. There are always councils of venerable elven sages who are the guardians of the accumulated learning of thousands of years and yet have never got around to inventing anything that might actually help them against goblins, trolls and orcs - such as a machine gun, or a grenade. Also, the fantasy world should not have an understandable working economy. Very few people work, there is little agriculture and it is not clear where food comes from.

[Pseudonym]

#4. Kill almost everybody else along the way.

The Hero must achieve his goal, gain the power, discover the secret word or whatever is necessary to be victorious only at the last possible moment when all else seems lost. To do this it will be necessary to make him fall down and twist his ankle, have an identity crisis, become enchanted, etc, etc continually on his way to the final showdown. Most of his/her motley crew of companions must die in terrible pain and degradation before the Hero gets his act together. This is to keep the reader mad at the Big Boss Enemy (thought it is basically the hero's fault for being so slow and incompetent and wasting 12 hours in chapter 21 when he got dust in his eye.)

[Pseudonym]

#5. Create a wise but really, really useless guide.

The Guide is a wise adviser, probably a wizard, who knows all about their Quest, but never will fully reveal it. He also appears to have immense powers but will not use them when they are most required. Ideally, this guide should be a male age approximately 60-70 with a long beard.

[Ozy_Llewellyn]

(Looked like you might of neglected this one, I actually tend to put it at #2)

#6 The Villain must be stupider than dirt.

It is well noted that heroes have on average less intelligence then a twelve year old. However one must not forget in order for the hero to attain any victory the villain must be even less clever than the hero. Please be certain to ignore all plausible back-story indicating that the villain is a careful, clever individual that has taken excessive steps to insure their world domination continues.
The cunning general whom managed to conquer the world, through treachery and his ability to lead armies. Will inevitably do something entirely suicidal decimating his forces and allowing his own life to be endangered by the small group. Where upon he will arrogantly fight alone the hero instead of calling for his guards. This allows the hero some small margin of hope that his opponents sword will break. Or a veteran of scores of battles will forget how to fight.
The wicked advisor whom managed to ensnare the royalty turning it into puppets with his dark magic. Despite all reputation for ruthlessness and caution will stop to have a monologue instead of obliterating the hero. This will allow the heroes friends (including the princess disposed when the royal family was slaughtered) to come to the rescue and insure victory.
The near omniscient demi-god of darkness will neglect to hear at any point in its existence from any source, the other half of the legend involving itself. The one told in every inn and tavern throughout the story. So after attaining control of the entire world in its age of darkness, it will neglect to have its minions capture the one item used to destroy it before beginning its dark reign of terror. In the instance it is an item to be destroyed in a certain place, they will neglect to simply destroy the place or make it entirely inaccessible. Instead this place is to be ignored and populated with only a few dangerous sounding monsters easily thwarted by individuals perhaps less cunning then the common dog.

[J-ser]

#1. The grizzled ex-champion
There is always a grizzled ex-gladiator/champion who teaches our would-be hero how to fight. At first, the ex-champion (who had been demoted from his original position either due to having being defeated in melee by the main enemy or, more likely, by adhering to his iron code of honour even though it would inevitably lead to his banishment/firing) rubs our hero up the wrong way with his gruff manner and blunt manner of speech. Eventually the two become inseparable, the hero winning the implacable teacher's respect and admiration when he eventually disarms him during a training session.

Extra points if the champion dies of a) poisen, but slowly so he can give a parting secret to the Hero or b) dies while holding off the main villian.

[Acacea]

Since these seem to be more like bad fantasy stereotypes...

There must be a liberal spreading of 'terrifying' and usually unimaginative names such as the Fields of Terror, the Crypt of the Dead (even if it is redundant), Lake of Doom, Volcano of Fire, River of Blood, Pass of Death, all while fighting the Forces of Darkness to the point where you start yawning and asking if anyone really get a chill when they are told by Grimmskull Shadowreaver to hang a left on Abyssal Avenue, past the Dark Fields of Death, until you see Massacre Manor...

A good rule of thumb is to simply pick a few fear-inspiring nouns and add them behind your geographical points of interest and the word 'of'. Death, doom, fire, terror, darkness, demise, blood, the dead, nightmares, madness, insanity, and massacres all work nicely.

[Pseudonym]

*nods*

Right you are Ozy.

Every fantasy land must have a dreaded Dark Enemy, an almost omnipotent archvillain who is trying to utterly destroy the world. It is not clear how the archvillain benefits from this or where s/he will reside after it is destroyed but nevertheless, total annihalation is their goal. This villain always has access to vast armies which require no food, payment or other provisioning. For all his immense power and evil, the Enemy must be completely dependent on some insignificant object such as a ring or a bland piece of semi-precious stone for his power .. or his downfall. Spot on.

[Pseudonym]

*nods again*

Scary names Acacea *shivers*

All fantasy lands have every conceivable form of climate and landform - as you say, the mountains of death, deserts of doom, swamps of super-scary stuff, glaciers of gore, forests of fear, meadows of malice - arranged randomly across the landscape contrary to any recognised principles of geography. Similarly, fauna should be encountered in ratios that completely ignore the concept of an ecological pyramid. ie. Carnivorous, rabid beasts are, by far, more likely to be found rather then some kind of herd herbivore.

Also, all fantasy worlds are roughly square. i.e. the shape of the double page of a paperback.

[darkstorme]

To take Acacea's one step further - any place that's really important won't have a proper name at all.  It will be something like "The Lands that Know No Name", which contain "The Artifact of Unknown Power".

To add to the list itself:

The Villain Progression

As in D&D, as in any RPG, so too do Fantasy books roll.  When the protagonist is just getting going, when the main evil bad guy hears about the brave thief with a heart of gold/wizard's apprentice/farmhand turned warrior's quest to destroy him/her, they will dispatch a team of tough but not impossible-to-beat underlings to deal with this nuisance.  In the process of killing said underlings, our hero gains valuable combat experience, possibly some knowledge, and even some valuables (gold, weapons, keys, sigils, etc.)    As the hero increases in strength, the main evil bad guy throws more and more elite henchmen against him, always careful to match him in strength.  When the hero bursts into the villain's evil lair/pocket dimension/vast castle, the final battle is almost a foregone conclusion, since he's been training his way though the best of Evil Bad Guy's troops by this point.  At no point, early in the hero's training, does the villain step out to face him or her directly and kill them instantly, despite how easy this would be for them.

Corollary: If the villain breaks with tradition and goes to beat the hero personally, he'll leave him scarred, crippled, or just beaten to a pulp - he won't kill them.  Instead, he'll leave them in that state, with the message "this is what happens to people who mess with me!"

[Acacea]

Note that the villain is really just power leveling the newbie hero. Cheaters.

[Laldiien]

Don't forget, the villain and the hero must fight/meet several times before the climax.  At those encounters, the hero should be completely outclassed, beaten and left for dead.

[J-ser]

The Hero MUST be the best looking character in the entire novel, and if he is ugly that will be fixed later down the road. The Villian needs to be hidiously scarred, or missing various limbs in the very least, in order to assure that even though he rules the world, he is in no way as cool as our Hero.

[Pseudonym]

The Hero MUST be the best looking character in the entire novel, and if he is ugly that will be fixed later down the road. The Villian needs to be hidiously scarred, or missing various limbs in the very least, in order to assure that even though he rules the world, he is in no way as cool as our Hero.

Quite correct. An ugly body surely houses an ugly soul, yes? Never depart from body image stereotypes - the villain should be ugly (preferably scarred), the rogues must always be thin and wiry and ready with a handy one-liner or quip, the big bear-like fighter invariably dopey.

[LynnJuniper]

The Prophecy:

    Never should this important plot device be neglected. In every story/novel etc. There must be a coresponding prophecy , that inevidably chooses said young hero, pulling him away from the life he knows and loves, thereby throwing him into the unknown abyss of the story and/or announcing the ultimate doom and destruction of him and the entire world in the process .

 The prophecy must be cryptic, and illegible by everyone around the hero or heroes (save possibly the "Useless Guide"), until the climax or whenever the prophecy unfolds. In which case, the prophecy then must be so obvious that all characters along the way almost literally slap their heads against each other for not getting it sooner.

    The prophecy must always be given either by an old crone or witch, or a young child or woman whom is oblivious to the powers that allow her to give said prophecy.

Once again, the heroes must never know what the prophecy entails until the climax or conclusion of the story. It should be noted that if the prophecy is less than illegible and foolish, that the heroes should and will therefore try to counter the prophecy from happening, resulting in, of course, it happening because of their efforts.

[LynnJuniper]

A Quick Author's Note:

The following Stratagy/sentence should be kept in mind through the entire novel writing process to result in a good story readers will love.

"How can I make my characters suffer next?"

[Honora]

The hero must also be, well, a hero.  When the villain offers him immortality, power, money, hot babes, incredible magical powers, a seriously boss pension plan, and special villain insurance with no co-pay, the hero must always refuse.  What I WOULD NOT GIVE for just one author to have the stones to say, "and the hero said, 'That sounds pretty darn good!  Sign me up!'"

[LynnJuniper]

Ah but then Honora would he be the hero any longer? Which gets us to our next concept.

The Betrayer:

The one that does take the goodies the villain is offering. In every story there must be one of these. Preferably this person is someone that the other hero, trusted. Double points if its a family member and quadruple points if the character only finds out its a family member after being betrayed.

This must also happen at a pivotal point of the story, usually where things are looking good and a victory seems to be in sight.

[Honora]

Of course he would not be the "hero" any more, but that would also be the end of the book .  Just once...

No work of high fantasy would be complete without the seductress.  Sexier than "the girl" but with the loose morals and diva-like behavior that lowers her CHA, she is the biggest challenge to the hero.  She thinks she's helping the villain, but is merely being used by him to distract or kill the hero.  Expect her to die in the end either a) by the villain's hands when he's through with her, or b) in an act of self-sacrifice when she realizes she really loves the hero but he really loves the girl and she doesn't deserve him anyway.