The Top 10 Signs Your DM Is Out To Kill You

[Sandler Morlock]

The Top 10 Signs Your DM Is Out To Kill You

10) The DM raises an eyebrow at every suggestion your party comes up with to escape a predicament. - Bokonon

9) You realize that the 'kindly' old gnome from half an hour ago sold you some cursed Armour of Red Dragon Attraction. - Paul Dossett

The so called healing potion that you just drank is starting to sting alot - Elbryan Wynden

7) Your character is eating a steak that he just purchased at an inn when your DM says "Did you check the meat for poison?" - Elbryan Wynden

6) After the entrance caves in, and the Rustmonster ate your armor, the Acid dissolved your sword and the munching sound was found to be magic bookworms polishing off all your magic books, the GM says "Let's get started, shall we?" with a big grin. - Rolo Kip

5) Every single module you play starts with "your character has been captured and lost all his/her equipment and gold..." - The Clueless One

4) You find your DM working on editing monsters for your next module and he asks you how to spell "Tarrasque" - Adam

3) Every five minutes the DM asks everyone to hold on, because he is rereading the stats of a Tarrasque. - Clain

2)When your DM says, "Are you sure your Character can swim?" - Drake FireStorm

1) The DM says I have a date in an hour, but sure we can still play - The Blood Development Team

[Stephen_Zuckerman]

Another few unorganized ones...

- The DM takes an inordinate amount of time describing the way all the townfolk are saying the local Vampire has been shredding bodies.

- Somehow, the Lich has a CHA of 25, and every Metamagic feat known to the D20 system.

- The local goblins are all level 12 Soulknifes. (Soulknives?)

- Your characters grew up worshipping the bad guy.

- After defeating the Vampire Clan, killing the Lich who commanded them, killing the Lich AGAIN and finally figuring out how to destroy his phylactery, taking out a sudden cropping-up of Rogue Eidolons, slaying a massively powerful Necromancer, beating the Corpse Gatherer that came from the Lich's grave, AND kicking the tail of a few dozen Dragonflesh Golems, Wee Jas comes down to ask you the favor of beating Vecna around so he'll stay in his fortress. (Putting one of the campaigns I built on the list for personal satisfaction? Who, me?)

- Your guide, a big, burly man in strong leather armor, suddenly dissolves as he moves ahead in the dim passage, his ring seeming to float in midair.

- The gods go mad, and your cleric is left gaping at the DC 20 Fortitude Save to keep from exploding as if he'd been paired with a Glimmerskin too long, and, assuming he passes that, is left weeping and gibbering in the face of the DC 75 Will Save to prevent him from becoming an Avatar of his deity of choice, and setting steel to everyone in the party.

- Three words: Tiamat lays eggs.

- Every time you stop to camp, the constant rattle of dice being rolled comes from behind the DM's screen.

- When discussing your plan of attack, the DM cuts in to ask what your Reflex Save Bonus is, and if you would live if you took another 90 damage.

- You're more likely to hear "How many hit points do you have left?" than "What's your AC?"

- You jokingly decide to take an NPC to bed, and your DM grins wickedly and opens to the Veneral Diseases section of the Complete Unlawful Guide to Carnal Knowledge.

- Lighting a candle requires a Dexterity check.

More to come.

[Dorganath]

*reads the lists and thinks to himself*
  "Boy, they sure left a bunch out..."
  *runs off cackling insanely, while darting in and out of the shadows*

[Zhofe]

When making a saving throw, you roll a natural 20 and the DM says "Not high enough"

When a powerfull spell is cast and the number of the sides on the die mysteriously coincides with the number of people at the table.

When a DM says "How many HP do-.... actually, nevermind"

The DM gives your character a ring of "Wish"

The DM perks up every time he hear's the word "Wish"

The DM grins alot while rolling dice.

Whenever you don't buy the DM pizza, chips, and beer/soda (VERY IMPORTANT)

The DM says "Bring your alternate characters .... trust me"

Three words ... "Tomb of Horrors"

Six words .... "Return to the Tomb of Horrors"

Any time the names Vecna, Strahd, or Acerak are mentioned when the DM is setting up the adventure.

You are talking to a beautiful woman and the DM asks you to make a will save.

You fail aforesaid will save.

The evil mage you are fighting just stands there and lets you have the first attack.

You play a necromancer, join a necromancer's guild, and all they ask in return is a lock of your hair.

The DM asks you if you think the stats on those dragons he has picked out are "high enough"

The DM asks if anyone has any problems with fighting gods.

The DM has a lighter, and an ashtray, and the remains of your buddy's character sheet is in the ashtray.

Any time you don't bring your DM pizza, chips, and beer/soda

Any time you say something to an NPC, and the DM frowns and takes a few minutes to figure out the response.

If the DM asks "wanna put some cash on your next saving throw?"

The DM sits with a paper shredder next to him, and eyes your character sheet.

The DM says "Okay, we're on hour 5 now and I'm tired. Everyone make a save vs. death."

The DM asks you what level your character is, you say 35, and the DM says that maybe you should be carefull.

You find a hand or an eye laying around.

Every time you go to do something the DM says "are you SURE you want to do that?"

Any time you don't bring your DM pizza, chips, and beer/soda

[regnus]

I only have one.

When the GM asks:  "Have you ever rolled on the Insanity table?"


Curse you Kevin Siembieda.  Curse you.

[Dorganath]

OK...in all seriousness, I've had something like this happen to me (as a player)...
  Incident 1-- Me: I look through the open doorway DM: You see nothing unusual Me: Cast Detect Magic DM: Nothing Me: Cast Detect Traps DM: Nothing Me: Very well, step carfully through the doorway DM: Roll d20...And roll damage while you're at it.
  Incident 2-- DM: How many dice do you have?  ((Enough said...))
  Incident 3-- DM: You do realize, don't you, that a fireball in enclosed spaces expands beyond the radius described for the blast, right?
  Incident 4-- DM: Roll your save.. Me: *rolls die* DM: (before the die stops rolling) You failed! *rolls unknown number of damage dice behind the screen*

[LoganGrimnar]

lol i fought a Tarrasque before... with level 17-20 uber chars... noone but the level 18 archer rogue could hurt it.. and i was doing like 20 damage a turn, whill it was killing a char a turn.

Then another time we walk into a room and see a red dragon... turns out the red dragons was actually a red Tarrasque with wings.... oh happy day.

the first one killed us, but the red dragon one we killed.. the mage that was with us cast force cage... and the dms said it looks like its failing... so he then cast 4 force walls with 5 foot gaps at the corners, so we can attack. but he mad 3 or the walls to to the roof and the 4th only like half way for some reasion... the Tarrasque then climbed out but we managed to trap it again.

[LoganGrimnar]

oh and our fighter types were 2 clerics with chains. they were polly morped fire giant, then enlarged so they had like a 25ft reach with the chain and the Tarrasque only had like 15 or 20 ft, that was how we killed it, traped it in the force walls and chained it to death, with a few arrows from me weak bum rogue.

[ZeroVega]

GM: "Will Save"
  *player rolls*
  Five minutes later
  GM: "Will Save"
  *player rolls*
  Five minutes later
  GM: "Will Save"
  *player rolls*
  Five minutes later
  GM: "Will Save..."

[IceDragonDuvessa]

*wonders where her pizza, chips, and beer are*

[lunchboxkilla]

When any quest starts with a necromancer saving an entire village while carrying a scyth and looks like he's wearing some cheeasy hollowween coustum...

When a DM Cosplay's the villian..

When any one in the party cosplays their character...

LARP....

when the dM says "this is the time of the walking gods"

The phrase "Wanna play Darksun comes up"

When the DM finds out that your horading 10 botles of greek fire and there is a burning smell in the room...

Throat leeches are said often

When you kill any puddings gels, or oozes and fail to do an armor check before sleeping..

When the DM goes "I got 5 minutes hurry up!"

When the DM lets his girlfriend play, who in all essence hates this game yet wants to be near her man.

Any one gets the Deck of many things.

Any one that get the rod of wonder..

When the Dragons wishes to make a deal...

When the word dragon and village are used...

When L gets bored and GMs... (love ya L )

When poor man says "I wouldn't go there if I were you"

Underdark and undermoutian ((the real thing not this weee 4 levels and your att the bottem... I mean the 3 year campagin that is MENT to kill players..)

When the Helpful demi lich gets bored...

First time riding a horse (don't ask)

Horading gold from LE party memebers and they are passing notes to the DM

When I whip out my very tiny mirco dice and grin a lot.

[Doc-Holiday]

"Lighting a candle requires a Dex check"

That... that scares me...

Considering I rolled 1 for every spot check Vyris threw at me.

Frankly I wouldn't be surprised if Weston died and failed to notice it until about four days later

[Lord of the Forest]

I say only one thing:
NEVER TRUST A SMILING GAMEMASTER!

[Dorganath]

Lord of the Forest - 10/4/2005 3:53 PM I say only one thing: NEVER TRUST A SMILING GAMEMASTER!

*smiles*

[Filatus]

Quote:

GM (Harlas): "I'm glad you roll shitty Daeron. Always a pleasure. "

Enough said.

[Kapitän Awesome]

Dorganath - 10/4/2005  5:02 PM

 *smiles*

HEAD FOR THE HILLS!

[HooD!uM]

+++Dm Canislupis ...That makes DT number?

[darkwulf365]

When the epic paladin of Toran dies...twice...and you're hoping for some sort of RL event to take place just so you have a valid excuse to cut and run

[Sylance]

So...we are wandering around...trying to find a missing cow...and we wander into an area that apparently isnt finished and get a message that tells us to please feel free to have a look around, they are finishing up the story line for the area.  So....we start looking around...feeling pretty safe that there are no evil little buggars roaming around that zone...then i hear these series or really dirty words, i swing around...and Sandler (the one who started this post) is being chased by a giant stoneskinned flesh eating monster!!! (i think it was called that) nevertheless it was HUGE and SCARY and came from nowhere....so im convinced the DMs were trying to kill us....

[Acacea]

Ask anyone about that in game and you'll find that YOU were trying to kill you.