Treana Min E'Zoenna - Heart of True Peace

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 61 - Tunar, Seplar 17, 1401

It broke hearts to do so, but I had to tell Addy she couldn't be my Viza Na'Ruvan for my wedding in 5 months.  While I think she thought the reason I chose to ask someone else is that she thinks I don't trust her word anymore, I tried to explain that it's not that at all.  With Talen knowing her feelings for me, if she were to be my Viza Na'Ruvan and give the A'Dose Min Im'Taro Desiir and Talen failed in it, he would object to her word and bring up her feelings for me as reason.  I don't think he would fail, but I need the word of a fully nuetral party that I can trust, and so I have begun looking for another to fill the role.  Still, it makes my heart ache for Addy and the pain my decision must cause her, and as she stated she will not now even be able to attend my wedding since only those involved directly are allowed to be there for the ceremony.

Addison was also prepared to give me her wedding gift early, I assume because she decided she would be heading into the desert until after the wedding.  I refused to accept the gift on the basis of the traditions, that wedding gifts are not given until after a successful wedding.  With the tests yet to be passed by both myself and Talen, it is not right to accept wedding gifts before we are truly wed.  She didn't seem to understnad that either, and walked off with a comment that now I did not even want her gifts.  I thought she should know by now it is not material gifts that I treasure, but true friendship that I hold dear.

Perhaps my heart asks for too much.  Can I truly expect to keep the love of both of them and love them rightly in return?  Addy as a friend and sister, and Talen as a husband?  It pains me to no end to think that perhaps I will be forced to give up one for the other completely.  How can I make a choice between them?

I have begun, as stated previously, my search for a new Viza Na'Ruvan.  There are only a handful of people I'd even consider asking.  Rhynn had been at the top of my list, but with the way she's been acting for months now I'm not sure I could depend upon her for the task.  So, I've also considered Sa'Kura and Silool.  Silool I've spoken to, and explained the ceremony too, and she is willing ot do it if I can find no other.  Sa'Kura I have not yet spoken with about this, so I will try to catch her for a moment in the next few days.  Ferrit was also a thought, but with it likely that Kyle is Talen's Viza Na'Ruvan, perhaps it would be too awkward, and aside from that I do not know Ferrit all that well yet despite our many meetings.

My heart is heavy, I've lost the will to write further for now.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 62 - Tunar, Oclar 3, 1401

It's over between Talen and I.  I decided, once and for all, that in all honesty I do not love him fully.  That isn't to say that I do not loave him at all, just not fully, not enough to marry him.  As I feared, he seeks to blame Addison for my choice to end it, but truth be known I've had these feelings in the back of my mind since the very beginning.  I believe what happened was that in my own selfishness and will to end my grieving for Erathim, I took hold of the notion that I needed to fall in love with someone else the way I had been in love with him.  Talen seemed to be the one who could be that new love, and for a time I had myself convinced that he was.  Yet deep in the back of my mind something knew that my love for him was not as it should be, that it was artificial in a way.  For almost two years now I've been living in a lie of my own making, and at the cost of the heartbreak of another, one whom I do love but whom I do not love enough to marry.

Now, because I have done what I have to him, he hates me, and he also hates Addison through no fault of her own.  He has vowed to have her killed, in his anger, though I do not believe he truly meant it.  I cannot blame him for being angry with me, I've broken his heart, and more than once.  I hope that as his anger subsides that he is able to move on and have a happy life.  I wouldn't be opposed to remaining a friend to him, if he chooses to seek me out for friendship one day, but I have no illusions that he will.  Only time will tell how his heart will mend, how deep the scars I have left upon it will be.

As for Addison, she says she will be content enough to remain my best friend, and that she will be happy if one day I do find one who I am able to love and who is worthy in her eyes of loving me.  She gave me a key to her home, and told me I've always had a key to her heart.  I don't think I will stay with her in her home, I do not feel that would be right, but I will visit with her often and continue to be the friend to her that I have always tried to be.

My job at the Freelancer's has been slow lately, but it does provide me a way to earn money other than endlessly slaying monsters across the lands.  There's nothing like earning a living tossing drunken sods out on the bottoms.  Not that there's a great need for that at the Freelancer's it's usually pretty quiet there and the regulars seem to be a good crowd.  I sense from Anna's mood that the days for action are drawing closer, when we will be able to deliver the 'snow angels' from the tyrany of Millara and into safety.  On that day I will be at her side to do my best to keep her and the 'snow angels' safe.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 63 - Satari, Oclar 21, 1401

A bad set of days.  I've not seen Talen since our break-up, and I am not sure if that's good or bad.  I only hope that he is mending and the next tiem I see him he will not be so angry and hurt.

I went to the burial ceremony for Cole Norseman.  It was a good ceremony, though fewer showed for it than I'd expected.  Addison was emotional, as should be expected at such a time, but not overly so.  I did my best to be a comfort to her.  After the ceremony's end, she lead those who were willing on a trip to Firesteep in memory of Cole and his fvorite pastime of 'waking ol' Fisty'.  Fisterion, the great red dragon.  Indeed, we didn't see the beast ourselves, but we faced many of his minions in our journey, and I have to say those are the toughest kobolds I've ever seen to this day.  Addy, with all of us watching her back, managed to mine some admantium and cobalt before we turned to leave in haste.  Unfortunately, I fell to an ambush set by the crafty kobolds, but at least the Soul Mother didn't seem to notice and the others were able to raise me up again.  We rested in a home there until I got my full strength back, and then as we left Coldpepper the bard split with much of the loot we'd taken.  We didnt' even realize it until we were half-way out of the mountains.  Still, he'd made us invisible for our escape before leaving us, so I was not feeling too dissappointed about it.  Though, admittedly it would have been nice to have some gold to deposit to my depleted bank acount.  Still, I was there for Addy, even dressed in the elegant black dress I'd made just for the ocasion of the burial.  Not so elegant now with kobold blood staining it.

When we returned to Northpoint, the others went their ways, but I stayed with Addison and we got a room at the Lusty Maiden Inn there.  I finished explaining to her that I had broken up with Talen.  She was surprised to hear the news, though neither happy nor greatly displeased about it.  We talked for a while, and she pulled out the blue box I'd seen once before.  It held within it what would have been the wedding gift I'd have received from her if Talen and I had wed.  She decided to give it to me as a 'gift for a sister in heart' instead, since the idea of returning the gift didn't seem to sit well with her.  I waited some moments before opening it, and quickly understood why returning it would be a difficult thing to do.  Inside lay an equisite adamantium rapier, crafted by a master swordsmith.  It is not the sort of thing that can be returned.  A finer blade I have not yet held in my hand, and I do not think I could bring myself to weild such a fine thing until my own skills have improved some to match it's worth.  After carefully laying the sword within again and closing the box top, we spoke a short time longer.  Then, with hesitation and a small feeling of awkwardness for me, now knowing her feelings, we washed up togther and then slept.  I reasoned that as a child I'd often shared baths with my sisters, and even before I knew ofher feelings she and I had once bathed together, so there should be nothing untoward about it.  It's hard for me to see her a simply a sister in heart knowing what I know, but that is how I intend to relate with her, nothing more and nothing less.  So, I cannot let my new knowledge prejudice my actions, can I?

After waking I found she'd already left, so I gathered my things and left as well.  I returned to Hlint and began going about the business of trying to replenish my bank acount.  The crypts seemed a good place to start, and within them I could do the commnity some good by laying to rest those restless undead that dwelt within.  As I was on my way out, feeling ill from the lick of a ghoul, I encountered Jin Lun Lee, Ellis and another man.  Ellis made an attempt to apologize for speaking ill of Addison at the Lelion Arms some night before, and I advised her, as long as her apology is sincere, so is my forgiveness.  In any case, Mr. Lee asked if I'd help them with the darksoul, not that they'd really need my help with him there, but it seemed a good thing to do.  So we went back and slew the undead together and collected the essence.  After leaving the crypts I gave what skeleton knuckles I had to Mr. Lee since he always has need of htem and I'd likely jsut have pawned them anyway.  Ellis and the other fellow stuck with me and Freldo who had joined us in the crypts on our way out.

Freldo got the notion that he wanted to go fight lizardfolk in the High Moors.  Being short on gold I was all for the notion myself.  I noticed Rain Darsus approaching and decided to draft him to our venture as well.  The five of us went into the moors and slew a good deal of lizardfolk.  Though, the Ellis has a mouth on her, and too much bravado for her own good, all in all a wreckless and prideful woman.  It saw her to her death in one encounter on our trek.  I almost wanted to smile, but I stowed those feelings down in a dark place for one should never wish to see a comrade fall in battle, even one whom they dislike.  Freldo was able to magic her from sight on her return so that she could recover in meditation at the place she'd died.  Then on our way out again, Rain fell to a volley of arrows in an ambush uncharacteristicly cunningly lain by the lizardfolk.  It was some time before he returned to meditate at his own death-place, but when he did he brought several other swith him.  If I'd not felt the need to return to town to finish some work I needed to do there, I'd have likely stuck with the group for another stint into the remote regions of the moors, and perhaps into the cave that lies back there.

The next days events were not much better for me.  I went to work at the Freelancer's as usual.  It wasn't long before a group of suspicious men came into the tavern.  I tried my best to watch them, but they split up into groups.  I stayed on my guard as best as I felt I could, but resisted the urge to risk offending people who might have been well-meaning customers with no ill intent.  My failure to act was my own undoing, and also lead to the deaths of two others of the patrons.  One of the suspicious characters had left my view and headed to the back of the tavern where he began to let in more thughs as himself through a window in one of the rooms.  Meanwhile I concentrated on the front of the bar only to learn too late that their attack would come from the back.  Mr. Seteece was trying to keep the patrons calmed after one fellow came in shouting of an immenent attack upon the bar, he noticed that Anna was missing and made comment.  So I headed to the back of the bar where I could hear a comotion, thinking I'd find her for him to ease his mind and my own.  I found instead the entire group of attackers.  I turned to flee back toward the front for more help against such odds, but in my panicked state I wasn't quick enough and was struck down before I could even so much as finish drawing both my rapiers and raise the alarm with a shout.  Some guard I am, I couldn't even keep myself safe.

After, I remained behind with Anna and Mr. Harvard to watch over them while the rest set sail.  Anna's begun to stutter almost uncontrolably because of her fear of losing Mr. Mith.  She expressed to me as well that he's become increasingly wreckless in recent days, which only adds to her fears.  I have half the notion to slap the man into shape for her, but Anna wishes me to remain uninvolved in that respect.  I explained to Anna my reasons for leaving Talen, as she'd asked what had happened.  Apparently she'd met him at some point after we broke up and he'd told her it had happened, but not nescessarilly the reasons for it.  We made a short trip out to fetch rice, apples and cranberries, leaving Mr. Harvard behind under the care of the guards of the Freelancers.  He was still safe on our return, so I decided to take some sleep myself.

Of late I feel so useless sometimes.  A source of pain for some, and a drain on the resources of others.  I should have been able to take down at least one of those attackers today before falling, if only I'd not panicked.  Maybe I'll only be another liability in the attempt to liberate the children of Karthy in the coming days.  Maybe it would be better if I stayed behind.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 64 - Freas, Novlar 20, 1401

What is there to tell except that I have failed again in many ways?  Anna and I had just brought in another group of children from Karthy when one of them told us that the rest of the children were in danger.  Those with us in the Freelancers quickly volunteered to help us in going back to save the rest, and back we went in the dark of night.  I slowed us, unintentionally, wanting to go a route to Karthy that would have taken longer but that I believed would have been safer in it own way.  When the others firmly disputed my idea we turned about and wen their way, which was a much quicker route.  As I feared the route was guarded, the enemy was expecting us and laid in ambush.  We fought this first group quickly and hurried onward to the place near the lake we were to meet the children.  They were there, gathered in a group on a small peninsula that lay jutting into the lake.  There also were the enemy, waiting for us again before they began their slaughter.

I fought as hard as I could, but the screams of the children as they were being cut down around me proved too much for me to hold my concentration.  The carnage was too aweful, and in a moment of revulsion at what was happening I myself was struck down.  Blood and guts normally do not bother me, but when it was the children who I saw dying I was deeply bothered.  How could anyone with conscience do such terrible things?

My soul was called back to my body some time after the battle had ended and I woke from death gasping for air.  As I took in my surroundings I saw I had remained where I'd fallen, but the bodies of the children had been gathered and lain down in a row next to eachother.  It appeared some of their number were missing, so perhaps some were saved by the others.  I don't know, I haven't had the opportunity nor the stomach to discuss those events with Anna or anyone else.  I noticed two men with us that the others were speaking with.  One appeared dressed as a guard from Karthy, but apparently had some connection to the temple of Xeen.  I assume it was he who raised me adn the others who'd fallen.

We rushed back to Point Harbour fearing an attack upon the Freelancers and the children there.  To our relief, there had been no attack there when we arrived.  But instead we were greeted by an eagle, yes an eagle, which delivered a message to Anna.  Apparently the message was from the men we'd met at the battlefield, and told of a meeting of those responsible for slaying the children that was to take place near Port Hampshire.  We gathered some small amount of supplies and sailed quickly to disrupt this meeting.  We arived there first, but had little time to prepare, and the others seemed to wish to spend that short time bickering about how we would handle the situation, and only a couple of us seemed to wish to listen to Anna and what her plan might be.  Hearing the ships would soon be docking, I slipped off to try hiding in the shadows to watch the meeting should it take place.  However, upon docking the boats instead unloaded troops in several waves, I'm guessing they'd seen the rest of the party standing around bickering as they pulled in to shore.

This battle was much more fierce, and many of the foes were much stronger than those we faced near Karthy, but without children present for me to worry about, I was able to keep my concentration longer.  I fought foe after foe and each time it seemed we were beginning ot make headway against the enemy more would pour forth from the fog.  I kept at it while magics flared and sizzled around me.  I took a massive jolt from a lightning bolt in the back that sent me staggering off-balance adn it was all the magically enhanced skeleton I faced needed to finish me off.  I gave a last grunt as it's blade sunk into my flesh and I knew I was finished again.

This time I awoke from death a small way away from where I had fallen, held in Anna's arms as she cried over me.  I couldn't help myself but to cry as well.  Perhaps as her protector I didn't utterly fail as she seemed to have lived through the fighting again.  Perhaps that was more the doing of others and her own efforts though.  On hindsight I suppose I should have tried staying closer with her in the figthing, but as she was likely invisible through most of it I had no way of keeping track of her in the chaos.  Regardless, I feel I learned some valuable things of fighting this day that should prove to serve me well in the future.  I can only hope that as my adventures continue in the war to defeat Blood and his forces that I will begin to die with less frequency.  At least in these last two deaths the Soul Mother held back her hand from taking another bit of my soul.

I'm told that as a result of our efforts, even though many children may have been lost, we have gained a valuable source within the temple of Xeen in Karthy to aid in the efforts to liberate the city from Milara.  Our mission there was not a complete loss after all, and many of those little ones who fell might yet be raised by the priests and priestesses in the temple of Ilsare in Hlint.

And yet I have more foul news to write of.  Only a couple days after the events described above Rhynn confessed to me that she has shared bed with Mith.  Both Anna and Freldo are betrayed by those they love.  Rhynn said Mith has told Anna of his adultery, and she herself told Freldo.  As a result Freldo has left Rhynn, and I have to say good for him.  Though at first hearing of his leaving her I wanted to comfort Rhynn, but she seems to have little or no remorse for betraying him so.  Likewise it sounds as though Mith made some claim that Anna doesn't care who he sleeps with so long as she is the one who has his heart.  I doubt that Anna truly feels that way at all, and I wonder what this news will have done to her in her current state of mind.  She had already been to the point that her worries for Mith losing his life, or of herself loosing the twins she carries, or of the lives of the orphans of Karthy, were causing her to stutter without control.  I know Anna is not one who can hate, so I fear that instead she will withdraw into herself.  I would fear she might try to end her own life, but I know she's stronger than that at least.  I am not so worried for Freldo as I am for Anna, he seems to be one who is carefree enough to easilly recover from this terrible betrayal.  I hold nothing in my heart for either Rhynn or Mith now, not even anger.  Let them go their own independent way so long as they cease to hurt those I do care about and any others.

I don't understand.  They each had happiness within their grasp.  How could they betray such love as they had for nothing?

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 65 - Satari, Decilar 7, 1401

Life never ceases to give me new things to ponder over.  The 'why's' and 'what if's' and other such sorts of things.  Since the days past when the children were slain all around me in the fighting I've been having nightmares of it over and over again.  Each time in my dream I try to change the outcome, each time I fail, over and over again.  Every so often instead of dreaming of that battle, the dream changes into the nightmare of the night my whole village was overrun by the orcs and goblins some years ago.  The screams of the dying are always much the same in both dreams, so are their faces glimpsed as they fall into grass or snow.  In waking the sounds and images still plague a dark corner of my mind, especially when I'm near the 'sleeping' children, those who have been raised but have not awakened.  Those who repressent the price of my failure that terrible night.  Anna has told me they've been moved to a safer place where they might also receive better care, but I know that even if or when they wake they will forever remember the night they were slaughtered.

In waking I'd been given other things to ponder.  Still the constant call of Jennara for aid of the people of Roldem, too many relax for too long and do nothing.  I pledged to make boots, at least 10 pair in the next few days.  The work keeps me busy and my mind somewhat distracted from the nightmares.

I've talked with Anna, and Rhynn about the adultery between Rhynn and Mith.  Anna says she is unhurt by it, that she does not expect Mith to be bound to physical faithfulness as we humans are want to do in our traditions, and she says she is happy so long as his heart belongs only to her.  In my own beliefs, intimate acts are tied so closely to the heart it makes it hard for me to fathom that such adultery could be considered anything less than a betrayal of love, but Anna seems to think among Elven kind that such wanders between partners of intimacy is not uncommon nor considered wrong.  Rhynn...she is hurt in other ways but will heal and become stronger for it I believe.  In talking with her, she believes what happened to be wrongful, and she thinks it'd be easier if Anna did hate her for it, if everyone did.  She is ashamed, and so I forgive her trespass as it was not against me, nor did it seem to hurt Anna in any way from Anna's view.  I still wonder whether to forgive Mith as well, but I suppose if it is the way of his people I must accept that.  Rhynn also told me of a love between herself and another woman, a love that from my teachings is just as wrong as adultery and fornication, but her words bring with them question to ponder.  'True love is truly foolish, it knows no race, gender, or logic,' to paraphrase.  So, while I do not agree that love is foolish, a notion most likely instilled into Rhynn by someone such as Ozymandius, I cannot completely disagree with the rest of that statement easilly.  Especially when I think of the deep love that Addison and I hold for each other as 'sisters of heart', and there can be no mistake about that love.  We each seek the happiness of the other, even to our own sacrifice, so I wonder...

Freldo, whom I have not seen yet since learning of their split, has appointed me without choice of my own to be his middle-man and receive from Rhynn the things he wishes returned to himself.  Since he did not ask my willingness first, but instead put me in such role without choice, I will charge him for such service somehow.  I know he is hurt, but this action shows a pettiness I do not agree with.  I certainly know Rhynn was more patient with him than I ever could have been, while he made her wait for months, even years before speaking any sort of words of commitment, and even those not of a certainty.  It is no wonder then that she fell the way she did with Mith, a close friend and mentor whom she admires.  In any case, in my own culture and beliefs, a gift given is lost to the giver and they can hold no claim to it from the point they give the gift.  For Freldo to ask for the return of such gifts given expecially with the pretense of a show of love is deep offense, it only shows his love was not true at any point and his motives false that he should consider it an investment to be yielding a material return.

I wish there were something of good I could write of...  That might do.  I was with Addison in Pranzis and we met with Sniverous in the craft halls as he was making a malar bag for Addy.  At her prompting he showed me a wad of silk they had found together which came from a dark-apider.  It was dark in color and I wondered if it would prove a stronger silk than that of other spiders, and in what ways it might best be used if that was the case.  I suggested to Addinson that we might start stock-piling the dark-silk in order that we might have a large supply to draw upon when once we did find a use for it.  We could thus perhaps make a fortune from such forethought and have edge over any competitors that might arise.

[Nehetsrev]

(OOC Note:  For those interested, the 60th entry has been edited to now include Treana's telling of the events of the 'Courting For Riches' quest.)


Entry 66 - Satari, Decilar 14, 1401

What an awakening...  I gather myself here at the Lusty Maiden in North Point, Addison asleep nearby with a beautiful smile spread acroos her countenance even in slumber.  I cannot but help to smile myself, a bridge has been built where I thought none could be, a wall removed to let flow feelings repressed within me by tradition and custom.  I owe this peace in my heart to Rhynn, strangely enough.  Her words, which I've written of previously were the key to unlock the last chain upon my heart which restrained me from this new world now before me.  It is a world with Addison, my dearest friend and my truest love.  Only days ago I could not have imagined myself committing wholy to another woman, yet I struggled within knowing she already had my heart.  I made the decision today to give her also my body, if it will complete her happiness, and even my own as foreign to me as it all seems.

We went today with Sniverous into the Firesteeps to retrieve adamantium and cobalt, but our forray was met with dissaster.  We were overwhelmed by the kobolds that follow Fisterion, and each of us fell in turn.  First myself, then Addison, and lastly even Sniverous.  When we reformed at the bindstone in Northpoint, Addy told me she had lost another strand of her soul, and wept.  She has now only two strands left.  After weeping for some time she went into the bank and withdrew a large sum of money before handing it to me and announcing her intent to retire.  I took the sack of gold reluctantly and tried to talk her out of such action, and tried to cheer her.  She seemed stubbornly set upon giving up on life in general, and then I did something unexpected even to myself...  I kissed her, if only to get her to listen.  And then it spilled out, my thoughts of the last few days and my decision to commit myself to her fully in love and body.  Her mood couldn't have change more drasticly in a fleeting moment.  She went from utter despair, to shock and disbelief, to pure joy.

For all my life, the traditions and customs I've been taught almost religiously have spoken against an intimate physical love between those of same gender, that it is an affront against nature itself and completely and utterly wrong...  yet this new path I've chosen feels so right.  I cannot explain it except to say that even before today I have often felt more close to Addison than any of my other friends, or even than I had to Talen, or my beloved Erathim.  She has been more than family to me even, in the way I feel about her and she about me.

Yet there are questions I ask myself.  Knowing that most would not be accepting of this kind of relationship, I wonder how we should persue it?  Must we keep it veiled in secrecy, or can we dare to wed as any other couple might?  Would society even allow it if we wish to and recognize our union as valid?  Do I hold onto my traditions of the Old Culture to some degree and keep them as best as I can, or must I forsake them entirely?  Will Addy understand if I one day find a man to father a child if I choose to become a mother myself?  How will having two mothers and no father affect Calvin as he grows?  Would he as well become an outcast to society because of us?

A great many questions remain that I do not write about.  This new path I have chosen is both a road of newfound freedom and joy as well as a path of frightening prospects of some kinds.  Yet a truth I know in my heart beyond any doubt can be said in four words:  I love Addison completely.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 67 - Wedlar, Decilar 25, 1401

So much pain among my friends.  So much pain in this world.  I feel blessed, truly blessed, to have a light in this darkness through Addison and our love together.  I received the answer to one of my questions in a round about way in these last few days.  We were talking in the cave in the Battle Fens with Glenn.  He was expressing his dilema of loving both Silool, who he wished ot have a child with, and Ash, whom he wished to have a deeper relationship with.  Not knowing my own recent thoughts on the subject of a shared love for the purpose of having a child, Addison made the comment to Glenn that any man who'd ask a woman to allow them to have a child with another was insane and that no woman would share their love in such a way.  It seemed to be her true feelings about it, and I felt it also applied to us, to our relationship.  I talked with her more about it in the crafting hall in Port Hampshire as she smelted a good deal of platinum.  When I explained that perhaps one day I might wish to bear a child of my and that I would need to share my love with a man to accomplish that, she seemed almost at tears, and though she agreed eventually that for that purpose she would accept such, I think in her heart she still would rather it not be that way.  As such, I may give up the idea of having my own child and simply pour all my motherly love into the life of little Calvin as though he were my own flesh and blood.  Indeed, if Addison and I are to be togther as though married, then Calvin is as much my child as hers.

Now back to detailing in some way some of the continued pains of my friends, since they are important to me and I would help ease their pain or absolve it completely if I can.  Perhaps Talen's pain is nearly all mended, though I suppose there is no way to be sure, but I did pass he and Jenna Pandorn in east Hlint as they sat together for a goodly length of time.  I will have to summon the courage to ask Talen if indeed there is new love being tendered between them, or if they are just friends.

Meanwhile, Anna and Mith are having a terrible spot of trouble in their lives, and I'm not sure of any of it.  I'll explain what I think I know about it from the perspectives they both given.  Something happened to make Anna very afraid of Mr. Mith, and as a result he left her, but he's come back to watch over her from a distance as I believe he still loves her deeply.  Anna told me a story that she saw her future self as a zombie, and that her future self told her that it would be Mith and Rhynn together who would make her into a zombie.  This I believe is why she fears Mith and Rhynn both now.  After hearing this story from Anna, I noticed a figure standig off a ways watching us, and though his clothes were completely different and his face hooded, his posture seemed familiar even down to the way he carried the staff he held and I reasoned the man must be Mr. Mith.  I approached him and he told me his view of the situation, and I believe it to be a reasonable view.  He explained what had happened when Anna became so afraid of him, and how his heart broke at that moment and he was going to end his life in order to stop cusing her such pain, but that Katia sent a bear to interfear with that.  He also told me he believes Anna to be possessed by an evil spirit, and that it is this spirit that fabricates what Anna sees in regards to himself and Rhynn, or even anything else.  He believes, as do I, that this spirit has a special hatred and fear of necromancers, perhaps because they have power over the undead to some extent, and it is for this reason the spirit stirs up Anna's fears to make her run or become defensive around himself and Rhynn.  I tired, as Mith's asking to talk to Anna and keep her calm as he approached as he expressed his thoughts that if he could be closer to examine this spirit within her he might discern more about how to remove it, before it takes her and the children she bears completely.  I don't know if Anna trusts me anymore as a result of my actions, or that getting Mr. Mith close ot her for a time helped in any way.  Eventually Mr. Mith left in anger, having had a fight with Anna, and said he'd be in the temple in the grove when Anna was ready to speak to him, though I doubt he'll be able to stay away in all honesty.

In regards to Rhynn, her path is perhaps mending and making her heart stronger, but hopefully not too calloused.  She told me of a love she has for a woman, and that the woman she loves does not accept her as a necromancer.  I don't have much to say about this except that I agree with Rhynn that whoever loves her must love her regardless of the kinds of magic she weaves.  So I hope that Rhynn finds such a person one day, or that this other whom professes to love her grows to accept her for who she is in whole.  While a time alone will help Rhynn to become more aware of who she is, and allow her to become her own master of her life, I know from experience that life is more complete with someone to love who also loves in return.

I have not seen Kyle, or Ferrit for that matter, much at all in some time.  I hope they do not think I've abandoned their friendship as in many ways I feel Kyle is like a brother to me.  I would like to speak with him again, perhaps not about Addison and myself as I think it best for now to keep that a secret, but just to talk with him as friends talk.

I have also finished making the boots I'd pledge to make for Roldem.  Just ten pair, but at least it's more than most seem to be giving for the effort.  I met a dwarf named Dalan in the crafting house who also gave me a set of robes to donate and a couple more deerskins to turn into boots.  So, perhaps there are some who still remember the plight of the people over in Roldem, and who will lift their hands to the task of helping.  In any case, now I've just to drop off what I have to Jennara's crates in the Freelancer the next tiem I pass that way.

Lastly I return my writing again to myself and Addison.  We spent the night together just holding eachother in my, our bed in our home in Pranzis after talking for a while.  I told her some fond memories from my past, though at the cost of stirring up memories of that terrible night I lost them all.  She in turn invited me to read her diary and committed it to my hands.  I will read it as I have time to so that I might grow a deeper understanding of M'lanna, Addison.  I as well offered to her that she could read this journal of mine if she liked, and I will begin leaving it in the small chest in my room rather than carrying it with me everywhere.  While Addy enjoys lavishing me with gifts, the most lovely gift she has given me is her time, her love, herself in so many ways.  And while I expressed that I wished I could give her such gifts as she has given, she also expressed that I give to her the same great gifts of time, love, and self and that is only they that make her heart happiest.

My hand grows tired from all this writing though there is still much more I would write about.  It will have to wait for another day, for life is busy, I have friendships to care for and work to perform, and time to spend with Addison and little Calvin.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 68 - Threas, Jenra 12, 1402

My nightmares continue, of the children and of my own village some years ago.  Screams in the darkness, snow lit by the light of burning homes, or grass lit under the shine of a pale moon, and death surrounds me.  I wake many times in the night, or day, since I get such little sleep my resting often spills into the hours of daylight.  I make trips to visit the sleeping children in the temple in Northpoint, but usually all I can do is cry silently next to them.  I hold out in hope that one day soon they will begin to awaken, each and every one of them.  Perhaps if Aeridan is merciful they will awake and not remember that night at all, and be able to live happier lives.

When not worrying so for them, I distract myself with work of any kind I can find.  I've made 11 pairs of boots and a pair of gloves and donated them, along with some robes made by Dalan, to the Roldem Relief efforts, leaving them in the crates at the Freelancers.  I'll likely make some more in the days to come.

I've spoken with Rawkwin, the leader of the Crimson Shield, about becomming a member myself.  Both Addison and Silool have also said they will support my membership when votes are taken.  In the mean time Rawkwin has suggested I get to know more of the Crimson Shield members in the months to come, and that I should go adventuring with them on some of their trips together.  To protect and serve the peoples of the lands is a noble charge and mission, and I do so as best I can already, so becomming a member with the Crimson Shield won't change too much of my life I don't think.  Rawkwin also seems to think I have skills that will be valuable to the guild if further developed, so he's even suggested I try practicing crushing pearls to improve my gemcrafting skills.  I'll have to try that as I've not done so before.  Not sure what I'll do with the pearl dust though, but perhaps I can give it to the guild and they will have use for it, or maybe I can pour over some more alchemy texts and find a use for it myself and thus improve furhter my alchemical skills too.  I'll probably also continue to make more cougarskin bags, and hopefully find people to sell them too to improve my tailoring skills.

There's also the upcoming costume party for Tyrian and Creighton.  I think it will be a fun event and I'm crafting costumes for both myself and Addy so we can go as a matching pair of sorts.  I've based our costume designs off the descriptions of two spirits from an ancient legend I once heard as a child.  They are mostly complete but I still need to work on the props to go with them.  Addy looks wonderful in her costume, especially without the mask.  I might make some other costumes just for the fun of it.

Meanwhile I've earned again Anna's trust, and she tells me that the spirit she sees is showing her clues.  I'll have to probe deeper to see if she will share with me what these clues might be and put my mind to helping to solve the puzzle with her.  She doesn't trust a single word from Mith, whether it be spoken or written, and I feel it might be best if I limit my own contact with him to almost none in order to preserve Anna's trust in me.  One breakthrough of note is that I seem to be one of few people who can touch Anna without causing her to feel a cold deathly feeling.  At first when I'd tried to hug her in comfort she pushed me away with great fear because of the feelings that had come in her previous contact with others, but while we sat listening to Ozymandius I was able to take her hand in mine for a moment, and she realized my touch did not cause her pain as the touch of others did.  This makes me glad that I can be a comfort to her in this way until this whole thing is over.  I only hope it ends soon, because I cannot stand to see her in such fear and pain and doubt, and my ears weep at her continued stuttering.

Addison and I are growing closer each day.  Our relationship is blooming into something ever more wonderful.  I admit, I still feel a little awkward kissing her, but I overcome these feelings in love for her and my mind is eased.  I kissed her deeply the other night before retiring for sleep at the Wild Surge, and that kiss once begun didn't feel awkward at all, except I felt maybe I was being too agressive too soon.  Addison didn't think so though, and she was very happy and that makes me happy.  I've caught myself blushing once or twice when I've thought of her lately and daydreamed of just being with her.  I've thought again of making a new set of courting garb, but if I were to wear it some people would know I was in love, and would likely ask about whom I an in love with.  I wish I could freely proclaim my love for her in public, and she proclaim her love for me.  I still need ot find as well more about Toran's regard for a woman to woman relationship such as this, is it acceptable within his church?  If not I will be forced to renounce my faith, as I love Addison more than I do any god.  There must be a Toranite I can talk to about this so that I can ease my mind of this burden of doubt at very least.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 69 - Wedlar, Jenra 25, 1402

My birthday came and went some 20 days ago and I didn't even realize it at the time.  I am now 22 years of age.  Addison is 38, she tells me, and 16 years my elder.  Funny how such a difference doesn't seem to matter to my heart in the slightest.  I wonder upon which date her own birthday falls?  It would be nice to know.

Her fingers and hands hold such a soft touch and gentleness...  I slept well again, for once, in her arms the nightmares didn't visit me.  Only such peace knowing she was there with me fell upon my mind yesternight, knowing she would protect me as she always has.

Yet, the darkness cast upon the world by Bloodstone's shadow looms over us all.  Many fear a final battle is coming in these next days.  There was even a meeting at the Lelion Arms, which I failed to attend, to discuss what was known about a presumed offensive in the works, and what strategy to use in defending against it.  Kyle spoke of a strange man who used a staff to see appearing in Hlint, though I didn't see the man myself, he thinks the man to be a scout or some such for Bloodstone's forces.

While I wish I could be upon the front lines of the coming battles, and take the fight to Blood himself, I realize my skill is yet limited.  Perhaps I can be some use in support, tending to the safety of those behind the lines of the fighting.  Addison also wishes me to stay clear of the front, she worries she may lose me in this war.  I worry too, for her.  While I love her deeply, I know her skills could be of great use in the coming fighting and the world could use such a strong woman to turn the tide.  She most likely will not fight at the front, for fear of leaving myself and Calvin behind without her care forever, though I would not stop her if she chose to go fight.  If she does fall before I do, I will raise Calvin for her myself, and I should talk to her about getting the legal documents prepared for such an eventuality, though I pray it never comes.

I received a letter from Mr. Mith, he wishes me to keep him informed of Anna's life while he is away from her.  I think I can do that for him to help ease his mind and heart I hope.  I will talk to Anna to hear her wishes on the subject when next I see her.  She certainly does seem to be thinking more clearly as time passes without his pressence and constant watching.  She spoke more clearly about the things she'd seen in her visions so far, and even produced a drawing of a man from one vision who may be part of the key to solving this riddle.  I proposed that she run the picture through the Dragon's Whisper with questions asking anyone to report if they know the man, or know anythign of him.  Perhaps with wider circulation someon might step forth with more information to help us.  There were also a book and an alter in her visions, the book seeming the most important clue.  I asked her if she could draw a picture of the book as well, but she said she couldn't, but she'd know it one sight.  She said if she has another vision with either the book or alter she will draw them in detail. I feel if we can determine the type and purpose of the alter, we might pinpoint it's location and thus gain another clue.  And the book, if it can be identified more clearly will certainly yield more knowledge to us, especially if it can be tracked down.  So far, two possibilities have been proposed about the book to my knowledge, that it may eithe be a book of legend, stolen from one of the planes, or it may be the spellbook of a lich (I think one of Bloods generals).  We will put the pieces of the puzzle together eventually, we have to to save Anna, and possibly Mith and Rhynn as well.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 70 - Tunar, Febra 10, 1402

With a great victory also comes a great loss, several of them actually.  Sinthrar Bloodstone is dead, yet at least one of his servants still holds some power and now controls Pranzis.  Pranzis, the city that has long been the seat of power in Layonara and which houses both a temple of Toran and Rofireins Citadel.  I imagine it won't be long before the forces now occupying Pranzis befoul thouse temples if they have not already done so.  Addison and I snuck back in to Pranzis last night to visit our home there in the Haft Lake district, our home which once we leave we're likely not to see again for some time due to the occupation.  At least Addy's nother and son Calvin are safe in Fort Hope in the Crimson Shield guild hall.  Further price our victory against Bloodstone is a column of smoke and ash rising into the sky from the east to block out the sun.  Things will be getting cold, and certainly much darker.  I hope it is not too long before the cloud settles, or the lands may fall into chaos as food grows scarce and plants and animls alike begin to die.  With darkness overshadowing everything I will not be surprised if the Drow come forth from the Underdark to attempt their own takeover of the surface.

More pleasant news to me, something I can write of that lifts my spirits some in this day, I have made for Addison a set of Courting Garb as she wishes to follow the traditons of the Old Culture with me.  I have left it undyed for her so she may choose her own colors for me since by tradition the Courting Garb is to be made by the efforts of the one whom will wear it.  I know Addy has no skill for stitching cloth, let alone silk, so it will be enough that she dyes her garment herself.  Further news that bodes good is that I spoke with Geldar about the teachings of Toran regarding a marriage of people of the same gender.  He told me that he has seen nowhere in Torans teachings anything against such a union, but he also said that a cleric of Toran might rule against it and if so his word would be for naught.  When I spoke to him, I told him I was asking on behalf of a friend who is a woman in love with another woman who follows Toran, which is truth since Addy loves me and I do follow Toran myself.  In this way I was able to ask him without too much risk of exposing our love in case it was something forbidden and looked down upon.  So, Geldar may suspect, but he cannot be certain, not that I believe he would tell anyone about Addy and I, unless he felt it hsi duty to do so.  I imagine much of society would still persecute Addy and I, though Toran's church may not itself have ill against us.  I am at a point where I do not care about the persecution that boldly confessing our love publicly might bring.  Addy wishes us to wear our garb in private only, but I may take to wearing mine in public as well, as it is meant to be worn.

An odd thought occured to me today.  At our wedding I have to wonder if the Viza Na'Ruvan must both be male since we are both female, or if the gender specifics of the tradition no longer apply in our instance.  I will have to think about this and perhaps re-write the traditions to accomodate such relationships as ours.  Since I believe I am the last practitioner of the Old Culture, save Addison now who also practices with me, I believe I can take it upon myself to alter the traditons so long as I keep true to their spirit and intent.

More happy news, I slept soundly again, no mightmares visited me with screams of dying children.  I feel pehaps I have overcome my perceived failure of the children at the lake through my valiant efforts to stop Blood's forces in Pranzis.  I found courage and inspiration to fight for the children along side Caighd at the west gate.  I gave up my own guilt for losing a fight that couldn't have been won by the lake so many days past.  Our little Snow Angels will one day soon awake I hope, and though the world might be covered in a dark cloud, the shadow of Bloodstone is removed and they will have that hope for a happier future some day.  Today when I fight, it is for the children, each of them from Calvin to those whose names i will never know.  I fight for their tomorrows, I fight to make their world safe today, tomorrow, and every day for as long as I draw breath upon this world.  So now with both Purpose and True Love to make whole the Peace of my Heart I will live life through it's darkest storms and it's brightest days of splendor.  I am today my destiny, my name, Heart of True Peace, Treana Min E'Zoenna.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 71 - Febra 19, 1402

Today we committed to eachother to begin the year of courting under the traditions of the Old Culture.  Addison and I now wear for eachother our sets of Courting Garments.  We donned our garb and kissed in the inn in Port Hapshire, begining the year.  We then changed and went to Tyrian and Creighton's costume party to celebrate their marriage with them.  Though we arived dressed in the costumes I'd made for us, we left wearing our courting garb openly among our friends.  It was a feeling of utter freedom and joy to walk out hand in hand with my love and proclaim to the bustling citizens of Lelion our love for one another.

From there we made our way to Port Hampshire and on to Fort Hope where we bravely portaled into Pranzis.  Our hearts sunk at seeing theonce great city in near ruin.  Great chunks of rubble and stone lay in the streets with garbage piled around them.  The people huddled in fear as they passed by, those few who even dared venture out of their homes.  We went to the Haft Lake district to look at our own home, and thankfully there seemed little to no damage there.  After entering our home together and locking the door behind us, we sat for a few minutes talking and imagining running an underground resistance force form our home to help retake Pranzis.  I don't believe Broergar's forces know who we are as they didn't even bother ot take our names down when we marched defeated from Pranzis some days ago.  I feel if we are careful we just might be able to blend in enough with the rest of the locals to accomplish such an underground.  I will not easilly abandon the home I was just getting used to loving.  I will not see Addy's dreams crushed, nor those of the people of Pranzis who wish to be freed again from oppressive rule.  I will find some way to aid the liberation, be it covertly, or as part of the forces that one day march upon the city to clean out the vermin that now reside within it's walls.

Whether Pranzis is free again or not, on the 19th day of the 2nd month of the year 1403, Addison and I shall wed.  I hope it would be possible to have our wedding there in our backyard behind our home in Pranzis, but if not we will choose another place together.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 72 - Threas, Febra 26, 1402

Well, the news is getting out of the engagement between myself and Addison.  Though Addy seemed a little upset at first, I suppose she feared as I did that more people would not be accepting of our relationship.  Surprisingly, none have yet to object outright to us being together as a couple who will one day wed.  Though, I do wonder after Kyle, he was very shocked at the news and I fear it makes him uncomfortable, but I hope that he will remain a friend and see that Addy & I are truly in love with eachother and happy together.  I tried to explain to him that I've never felt closer to anyone than I feel with Addy.

Addison went away on a trip to the underdark with some friends to mine for a very rare gem.  I hope they are able to go safely together, and having heard stories of the dangers of the underdark I fear for her life.  She assured me she wouldn't go at all with them if those in her group did not seem reliable enough to entrust her life with, though I know once gathered it is sometimes hard to turn back from such a journey in the face of peers.  I pray she has the strength to turn back if they are unfit for the journey, or the strength to see them all safely through it if they decide to go ahead.  I suppose I shall find out soon enough how things have gone as the day of her return should be near, if not already upon us.  One day I'll go with her, when I'm better rested and perhaps more skilled than I am now.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 73 - Freas, Mar 13, 1402

A day or two ago I met Addison's mother at last.  She was not happy to hear of the love Addison and I share for eachother, and that we would be marrying.  This of course provoked a fight between the two of them, there was lots of shouting, a threat or two made of landing Addy's mother out on the street alone, etc.  Finally the two calmed somewhat and Addy's mother agreed to at least try to get to know me and understand the love we share.  I am hopeful that perhaps one day she will look upon me as a second daughter, though I understand that in the general conventions of most of society the relationship Addison and I have together is one that is taboo, viewed as sacrilidge and heresy of the worst kind.  It's amazing the difference of tollerances among the Dragon-called in comparison to the general population of the world.  We lay aside some of our differences for the common good and in so doing gain greater insight into the cultures of those we once only hated on basis of race, religion, or whatnot and learn to judge the individuals rather than the lot of them.  At least, some of us do to some degree or another.

Yet another irony...  I came upon Rhynn, with Thomas nearby her.  She seemed in distress, and he sat there with her to comfort her still, even after she had been the one to give testimony against him.  I have seen Rhynn at her wits end before, and perhaps I'll see her there again, but this seemed to be something more such as utter defeat to her.  After speaking with them both for a short time, I could see that Thomas still loves her as he always has, and that he is perhaps the one man who can truly bless her with a real love strong enough to heal the wrongs done her in her past.  It saddens me that in my zeal to see justice done, in my striving to protect Rhynn from his advances when it seemed she and Freldo were still in love, in my own dislike for the lecherous man I imagine him to be, I was a driving force behind his persecution for the small lies he told under the name of a being a paladin of Rofirein.  While I still believe as a paladin he should not have lied, in any way, I feel guilt at the pain my own actions have caused him.  There is a true devotion in Thomas to loving Rhynn, whether she returns his love or not.  I only hope that I sense true and that he is not simply trying to take advantage of her as so many before have done.

I have also learned through Talen, that Anna no longer trusts me.  I had just gone to the bank to deposite some funds and had run into Talen there.  I stopped to be polite and ask how the cape I'd sold to him was working for him and to just say hello and be socialable.  That's when Mr. Mith walked in the door.  I was surprised to see him in Hlint after his promise to stay away from Anna, and I remarked as such and began to tell him how it seemed lmost as if Anna was avoiding me these last few days.  That's when Talen piped in that she had been indeed avoiding me.  He said she no longer trusted me after the event of my lying to her about Mr. Mith being a different person that first night when I had learned from him his theory that a ghost might posses or influence her somehow.  I had apologized to Anna for that, and she had said she forgave me.  I had shared with her my deepest secret to prove my trust in her and gain back her own trust in me, and she had told me she trusted me again...  So when I heard from Talen otherwise I was, and still am deeply hurt.  Everything I have done in relation to Anna has been in an effort to help her with her life and her problems, and now it is thrown in my face as wasted effort.  I told Talen to let Anna know that the least she could do is tell me heself she didn't want to see me anymore, I would have left her alone then instead of wasting my cares upon her as I have.  Better yet, I will wait until I see her again myself to confront her about this.

It seems I have grown distant from many of my friends.  Not intentionally of course, but through the workings of life in general.  Anna no longer trusts me, Rhynn and I have talked so little for so long, Kyle seems appalled by my choice ot love Addison, Talen still harbors some hurt in his heart and for good reason...  Thank goodness I still have the love of Addison to keep me.  Perhaps it is a season for new friends, though I cannot fully let go of the old ones either, nor would I wish to.  I have met some good people of late who may become such friends to me.  Ecthgow the Dwarf, Jenna Pandorn, even Ellis in some way seems to wish friendship as self-centered and annoying as she is.  And there are others who I also see almost daily that touch my life in their own ways, perhaps in a more subtle way.  I don't think I could list all of the people I know who've touched my life in some small yet positive way.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 74 - Satari, Mar 28, 1402

The time passes too slowly and too quickly all at once, again.  I can hardly wait another day to, well...I can hardly wait another day for Addison.  Yet at the same time I wish there were more hours in each day for us to spend together.

These last days marked my first considerable successes in crafting gold rings and amulets.  I could not have done it without the help of Kavil who is learning to enchant and who indeed enchanted many of the fine alexandrites I brought to him along with Addison.  He seemed upset with himself that he failed on as many as he did, but I am still overjoyed at the number of those he enchanted successfully.  Even I didn't mount much more than about half of what gems he'd enchanted.  We're both still learning the new intricacies of these areas of our tradeskills, so some failure is to be expected though it should not discourage us from continuing to practice.  My very first success was an amulet of Eagle's Splendor which Addison found a buyer for almost immediately.  Other items I made with the gems Kavil enchanted for me were rings & amulets of Cat's Grace, Bull's Strength, and Eagle's Splendor.  Addison also brought me a good load of Garnets and Feldspar from a trip she made to Bear Island in Rilara, so I ought to be able to make some more feldspar rings and amulets with their natural protection from death magics.

While Addison was resting I sat on thebenches near the bank in Hlint and ended up having a pretty pleasant conversation with Thomas, of all people.  He really isn't such a bad fellow at all, and my first meeting and impression of him I must admit was erroneous.  I am glad that he is a forgiving man, and perhaps we will become good friends yet.  I still worry that he may hurt Rhynn, who has already been through so much, but he seems to have a genuine love for her in his heart.  So, I will give him the chance to prove that love, nurture it, and thus bring both of them into the full bloom of a wonderous and loving relationship.  If he fails her I will be dissappointed and saddened once again for Rhynn.

I saw Talen too, and of course the topic of Anna came up.  He says the next time I see her she should seem somewhat 'better'.  I told him she can come to me when she's ready. I'm through chasing her around and carrying the pain of worry on my heart for her as I had been.  If she doesn't want my help I won't force it on her.  If she thinks me so evil simply because I am also still a friend to Mr. Mith that she cannot trust me, then I don't want her trust anymore.  They are both in such pain right now, in their own ways, and I would have seen that pain ended or at least lessened to the best of my ability as a good friend should but she will not let me help them both.  Talen seemed rather smug about the whole situation, and wore a smirk at one point that gives me an uneasy feeling.  As though he is taking pleasure in my pain, that he is trusted by Anna and I am not.  If that's his heart, I'm a thousand times more glad I did not marry him, and perhaps it would be best to end my friendship with him as well.  Not that it is truly friendship if he is indeed taking pleasure in my pain.

I feel so angry and frustrated now after writing of this, I wish Addy were here to embrace me and sooth my heart as she does so well.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 75 - Mulnari, Apreal 16, 1402

Addison, first and foremost on my mind, as she should be.  She was a little upset at first when I told her I'd ruined the diamond cluster she'd given me, but she forgave me quickly.  Now I've just to forgive myself.  I had really thought I had a good chance to cut it, and I wanted to make for her a diamond wedding ring, but I failed in the cutting and watched with a broken heart as I turned what could've been a pure sparkling gemstone into dust with one misplaced chiseling.  I'll go with Addison to mine more diamonds one day, when I'm more experienced and we both have the backing of a well organized and outfitted group of equally experienced adventurers to back us.  It was just a stone after all, and it's my love for Addison, and her's for me that is treasured most between us.  All the same I fell asleep crying in her arms.

I met a darkelf named Annun as well.  Addison had told me a little about her before, she was once in love with Kavil and he with her, but she abandoned him for a woman she felt closer to.  It is something that still scars Kavil's heart today.  Annun seemed to wish to speak with me in a supportive way about my relationship with Addison, but we didn't get the chance due to the arival of several others, beginning with Ellis, who interrupted our chat.  Perhaps I'll see Annun again sometime soon and we can have that discussion, she seems very nice for a darkelf.  A paladin of the Phoenix as she introduced herself.

Ellis is ever her unbalanced self, and I shared a few moments with her in the crafting hall, but not without some profit.  She needed some small molds made for her fletching efforts, and I had just returned from digging clay, so I sold her 10 molds for 10 gold each.  She surprised me by doing something generous, and added a clump of uncut greenstone to her payment.  Perhaps she is learning to be a better person in some regards after all.  Wishing to encourage such good behavior, I offered to sell her the two ring's of Cat's Grace she was interested in for 100 gold less each.  She said she'd check her bank account to see if she had the funds, but didn't return from doing so.  I'm sure she'll catch me when she's able to get those rings.  It sounded as though she only wanted one for herself and the other was for a friend, Kell I think was the name, or maybe it was Rell.

Then there's Anna...  I went to the Freelancer's for my shift there, on my way I seethed with the hurt and anger Anna's mistrust of me has caused.  Even doing my job there, I could not put aside that pain and anger, and I fear I may have scared away a good number of patrons with my glare and demeanor.  All the while Anna worked the bar and I could tell she wanted to avoid me, though I suppose even I'd want to avoid me when I'm angry like that.  And Talen started getting in my face, I wanted to spit in his.  He had the gall to tell me not to speak to Anna in an angry way, yet it's okay for him to smirk in satisfaction while he tells me she no longer trusts me?  I don't know how I ever thought I loved that man.  Finally I heard Anna tell him she was going to close early and I wondered if she even cared why I was so angry.  So I cornered her and told her, and she seemed almost as though she would deny her mistrust of me.  She gave me the line that she'd been lied to, followed, spied on, betrayed so much that she didn't know who to trust.  I reminded her I'd pledged to do anything she asked to help her get through her time of trouble.  No more, if she can't trust me I can't protect her or help her and I'm not wasting anymore of my emotions on her.  I told her she can come find me when she's ready to trust me again and then I walked out and sat on the docks for a while crying silently.  I'm quitting my job at the Freelancers, I can't be around her anymore.

Ugh...I need to refocus and write about something more positive.  I guess I can mention how happy it made me feel to learn that some of my jewelry has been useful to someone.  I ended up sitting on the benches outside the bank in Hlint talking to Kira.  She told me how valuable the rings and amulet I'd made, that she'd been given by Kinson, have been to her.  I didn't know this about her before, but aparently she has some problems with her memory regardng her past or something.  I almost thought I should tell her of Nehetsrev, who also has no recollection of his past, or Rain Darsus.  It seems a more common problem then I'd have thought among the Dragon-called.  In any case, I thought of the panther cloaks I have at home in Pranzis and how one might also help to serve Kira.  I told her I'd bring her one the next time I went back home, and she offered to pay for it, though I'd prefer to simply give it as a gift, so I'll give her a real good deal on it to compromise.  The bottom line is that it makes me feel good to hear that some of the things I made are being used and valued and appreciated by those who buy them from me, or who are given them as gifts.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 76 - Mulnari, Mai 2, 1402

Addy seemed sad and depressed for quite a while yesterday.  It seems she feels herself inadaquate in regards to me, as though she is unworthy of my love for her.  I wonder sometimes myself is any of us are worthy to be loved, but then I throw that question out and just love people as best as I can anyway.  Love doesn't take acount of itself to deem itself worthy or unworthy of whom it bestows itself upon, love just loves.  But because I love Addison so much I told her so, and explained to her in my eyes she is more than worthy of my love, and that is the truth.  She has been a friend who has always remained close, even when we've dissagreed about some things which seldom happens.  She is a lover who is willing to wait until the proper time lest the fruit of love be taken before it is fully ripe.  We yearn, both of us, for that day of harvest.  In the meantime we nurture and grow with each other and our love continues to flourish even amidst the diversity now upon the face of Layonara.

I feel I've spent far too much time in the crafting houses.  I worked my hands to the point of blisters and even still I continued.  As the blisters heal I am certain they will be replaced by hard, caloused flesh.  So much for soft smooth hands with which to caress my love...perhaps in time, if I take a break from my crafting, my hands will return to such a state as to be nearly like the skin of a babe.  Is it worth it to keep crafting?  Heck, I'm probably being too worrysome over this.  I know Addy will love me weather my hands are caloused or not, and I will love her.

On the bright side again, our sales of my crafted jewelry continue to grow and we are behind on orders.  That was of course why I worked so hard in the crafting houses.  Addison and I returned from mining a good deal of alexandrite and when all the clusters were cut, there were 132 gems needing polish.  So I polished them all...  That's when the blisters came.  Afterwards we decided to go mine for some gold because we'll need it after we get those fine gemstones enchanted.  This time I'd like to get a few to enhance each ability, rather than limiting the sellection to Cat's Grace, Bull's Strength and Eagle's Splendor, which means we'll have to track down Addy's other enchanter friend to enchant what Kavil cannot.

On our way to go mine gold we ran across Kyle Pandorn, and I recalled how I'd been mening to talk to Addy about sellecting someone to preside over our wedding ceremony, since it seemed Anna would not be a good choice any longer with the problems she has.  So I whispered to Addy my suggestion for Kyle to be the one and asked if she agreed.  She said she did, so I then asked Kyle if he would accept the responsibility.  Jokingly I mentioned he'd not have to kiss anyone, and he said he knew that, having read the scroll given him by Talen detailing the ceremony when he had first been asked to be a Viza Na'Ruvan by Talen. Kyle accepted so it appears we have our A'Tulsaiir Na'Biirisa (Speaker and Binder) sellected.  Now we are faced with sellecting Viza Na'Ruvan, and I must decide should they both be men, or in our case does gender matter?  The point of the Viza Na'Ruvan is that they are to be trustworthy witnesses to the bride and groom, to determine from a kiss whether their hearts are true for eachother or prone to stray.  If Addy and I both being women can be excited for eachother's love, then it stands to reason that a rule of gender no longer applies I think, so I will tell Addy she may sellect whomever she wishes.  Now I just need to decide myself who I will trust with that duty and honor on my behalf and ask them to see if they will accept.

Rhynn threw herself into the pond in Hlint when I stopped to talk to her...She says she was bored.  I don't understand her sometimes.  Anyway, at least I can laugh at the memory of her splashing about in the water.

Not long after I went into the crypts to lay to rest some undead and round out my purse a little before making a deposit to the bank.  As I went about my work I stumbled upon Mr. Mith and Talen.  I felt sick to my stomach at seeing Talen and made to leave.  Mr. Mith called to me, and I paused a moment before going on up and out of the crypts.  For some reason, I feel beyond a doubt his love for Anna is genuine, and not an act to get me to spy upon her for him or to deceive her, yet she seems so certin he's out to destroy her.  I am thankful I do not need to be caught between the two anymore, though I still long deep within to be able to heal whatever wounds they have that are keeping them apart.  I've looked at things through many angles regarding them.  I used to wonder how the two had ever fallen in love to begin with, as different from one another as they seem.  Now all I can wonder is what truly tore them apart.  Was it his betrayal of her with Rhynn even though she denies that that would bother her?  Or is it some spirit that posseses her as he claim?  There is evidence to support both angles depending upon how one looks at it all.  Why do I contiue to worry so much about them?  Because deep within I truly do love my friends.  That's why it hurts so much that Anna doesn't trust me that I have abandoned her now, until she can return to me in trust.

There is ever pain in this world, it never ends.  We fight for victory against it, and though we win battles and defeat some of it's champions, there are always others to take the places of those defeated.  Yet what can we do but fight on against it?  For if we stop our fight, pain overwhelms us and consumes us.  But likewise if we fight too long and hard we become weary and fail, and pain overwhelms us anyway.  So, we then must find a place in our hearts in between, a place where our fight against pain never ceases, yet never wears us down.  It is not the place where no feeling is found that we seek, for feelings are what make us alive, to go on without feeling is to be dead in our hearts.  My heart has been dead once, it was resurrected by people who became friends.  I live, in pain and joy, and all things in between.  I cannot let my heart go to that dead place again.  Neither can I idly watch as someone I care for stands at that crossroads of choosing between living and dying in the heart.  Perhaps this is the basis of faith for those who follow Xeen, to know that whether they are feeling joy or pain, they are alive and that it is something to be thankful for.  I never truly understood their faith before, yet here perhaps I have found the key to it in my own meditations.  Yet Toran is my guide, my diety to follow still, for my heart yearns for justice.  There is ever pain in this world, it never ends.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 77 - Tunar, Mai 17, 1402

Today, while traveling with Addison and some others on Dregar, I realized I'd been working so hard lately on my gemcrafting and other things that I'd all but forgotten the sleepers, the children of Karthy.  At risk of running into Anna whose pressence I no longer wish to impede upon, I made my way alone to the temple where the little ones are being cared for.  I entered the temple quietly and this time I did not simply sit crying sillently and without control.  Tears did flow no doubt, but I moved from cot to cot, child to child, stopping at each to lay upon them amulets of copper and malachite fashioned into the shape of the cross of Toran.  Such pendants are known to protect against disease, and though what keeps these children sleeping may not be disease, perhaps the pendants will help in some small way anyway.  As I laid each pendant upon each child I prayed a short prayer from my heart, in different words for each, but with the hope that someday soon they would awaken with no memory of their deaths, for such a thing is a terrible burden for any child to bear.  I prayed as well that if they dream in this unnatural sleep, their dreams would also remain on happier days and memories, and that their little minds would be free from nightmares.  After my prayers were all done, I stayed for just a short while to meditate before returning to North Fort where I waited for a time for Addison to return for me as we'd arranged.

Previously to my visit to the sleepers, as I'd mentioned, I'd been hard at work with Addison both working on my gemcrafting and gathering materials for it.  When we'd gathered what we needed to have some gems enchanted we went to the wizard's tower not far from Pranzis to meet with Essimon.  He wasn't alone there when we met him, there was a man named Rodlin with him.  The man had the nerve to taunt Addison and by blowing a kiss at her, I challenged him as tradition requires, first by word and when he would not be deterred by word alone, by drawing my blades until he backed off.  He looked from his stance and build to be a man who could put me in the ground without much thought, but I was not about to let his attentions on Addy go unchallenged.  Others pressent counted me a fool, and our traditons foolish.  I know better, and I do not count their opinions with any measure of weight.  Aside from that, I had the feeling the sod might've been purposely trying to pick a fight due to his own perceived inadaquacies.  Such men aren't worth the dirt they walk upon, but Addy seemed to value the man's opinions, and perhaps friendship.

I ran into Captain Saltpeter in the goblin wastes near Hlint, and despite my general dislike for the man from his past attitudes toward women, we talked for a moment or two.  I asked what he was doing landbound instead of out sailing the seas, he answered by way of looking up to the perpetual cloud above and I understood.  It is hard to navigate without the stars on the open seas, and he also mentioned the seas were more rough and cold under storms of late with the changing weather.  He is quite a character, the ol' sea-dog Captain Saltpeter, perhaps not so bad as my first thoughts of him.

So many other things have happened of late, I could fill this whole journal with the ones left untold, but most are either not of great consequence to me, or are things I'd rather keep close to my heart and not risk detachment in writing of.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 78 - Wedlar, Junar 4, 1402

While I have done a bit of crafting, the bulk of the last few days I have spent resting from my endeavors.  I used up most of the gold we had in storage at our home, so I will have to venture out to get more if I can put together a worthy group, or I might wait until I see Addison again and go with her.  She has been gone a few days now, and I wonder where she is.  I hope she hasn't gone and died foolishly and lost her last two strands.  I'm sure she hasn't, but then I have to ask again where could she have gone for so long without even letting me know?

In any case, it turns out my sitting around Hlint doing little of anything hasn'tbeen a total waste.  I was able to make several sales of jewelry to friends and strangers alike.  The money I've earned will be very helpful in purchasing the materials to craft more of the expensive enchanted alexandrite in gold rings and amulets I've been making of late.  Until Addison returns I will have to try speaking with the enchanters on my own to seek their aid, as I'm out of enchanted gems for the most part too.

I'm worried for Rhynn.  She seems to have lost her own identity somewhere along the path she's chosen.  I've noticed for some time now that she emulates in clothing and mannerisms those she is looking up to for the moment.  I've seen shades of Freldo, Mith, and now most recently Ozymandius in her behavior.  I've even heard her talking like Durr'thak in that odd slang-like dialect.  But, the Rhynn I came to know upon my arrival in Hlint seems gone from her, a mere memory in my mind.  I have lost my ability to relate with her over time and distance as we've grown apart.

I still worry for Anna somewhat as well.  She who has been my council in some of my most trying times of need is now beyond my means to reach as well.  I don't know if she's a ghost in her as Mr. Mith suggests, or if she's simply withdrawn into a deep depression of her own from his betrayal of her and from the other pressures in her life.  It doesn't matter to me which, I only wish she were well in her mind again.  However, I cannot for my own sanity continue chasing her about trying to help her with her problems, it only seems to make them worse anyway.  It is better for her that I stay away, at least until she's ready to come to me.

I wonder how many more loved ones I will lose to sorrow's grip in these coming times?  Is there a curse upon us all that we become so filled with the woes of our lives we will turn away those closest to us that would seek to aid us?  A woman named Abigail, who Rhynn had once told me loved her, has killed herself in the Sielwood by hanging.  It makes me wonder.  I know for myself, even should Addy pass, I will not return to that dark place of living death without hope or feeling, I will fight it with all my being to remain one of the living.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 79 - Threas, Junar 19, 1402

Well, I sold it.  The wonderfully, exceptionaly crafted amulet of owl's wisdom that marked my finest acheivement thus far in gemcrafting, and I sold it.  It is a beautiful piece, and I hope that it's new owner, Silverhand, appreciates its quality to the fullest.  For a mere 8,500 gold coins I let go of that beauty.  I guess, and I hope that one day there will be other pieces in my catalogue of works that match that one in it's craftsmanship.  In the mean time I'll miss that wonderful amulet of gold and enchanted alexandrite.

Other than that, not much of note has happened these past few days.  Addison has been helping prepare food for Rain & Sonya's upcomming wedding, and I've been crafting my hind end off making jewelry in the crafting halls.  We also made a couple trips for gold and the like, and during one trip to the cave filled with Kenku and Hillhounds I fell again.  Oh, and I have finally visited Lar, I guess that's new.  Addison helped me there after I'd died once on the way myself.  She had come with Jaleel to help me return to my grave, and in pressing on together, the ogres flanked us in our fight with them, quickly overpowering Jaleel and forcing me to flee toward the front and Addison. So, after visiting Lar to rest, Addison and I returned Jaleel to where he had fallen.  Perhaps not such boring days after all.

Addison was crying at one point, she has gotten an idea in her head that we as heroes are now obsolete with Bloodstone gone and out of the way for good.  I tried to convince her there would also be evil in one form or another to fight against and that we were still needed.  She also fears that Calvin will grow up to be an adventurer, like ourselves.  I see it as something he should be allowed to decide on his own, but did not say so to Addison.  Perhaps he'll have no desire for adventure and wish to lead a quiet life as a farmer or tradesman.  Only time will tell.  I have to admit I wouldn't mind settling down perhaps.  It is like Addy says about herself, there are two sides of me, the one that relishes the excitement of adventuring, and the one that only wishes to live out a peaceful life together with her and Calvin.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 80 - Satari, Jular 7, 1402

These last few days...  Addison was disparaging over not being able to craft anything nearly as exquisite or lasting as my jewelry.  So, I did my best to cheer her and talked her into starting weapon-smithing, a tradeskill I think she will have a natural knack for.  At first she was very doubtful, but I continued to encourage her and offer my support and before long she had crafted first two copper daggers, and then some other copper weapons.  I encouraged her further by suggesting we could use the first two daggers in our wedding ceremony and suggested that if she worked hard enough at her new craft she might even by then be making bronze, or iron daggers that we could use instead.  She seemed to get more and more excited about it with each new success, and I'm very happy for her.

After she worked hard enough at her weaponsmithing that she decided she wanted to take a break we decided we'd take Ecthgow to the gold mines in Rilara as promised.  Unfortunately, while we were journeying to Lelion to sail from there, Ecthgow was called back on urgeant business, so we'll have to try our trip another time.  I'm honored that he counts me a close enough friend to have shared with me his clan name, and the story of his family, as well as his own intentions to retake their ancestral home beneath the Grey Peaks from the Drow who now occupy it.

In any case, Addy and I ended up going home to Prnzis.  There we made some rings set with three garnets in gold.  It was a fun new venture in gemcrafting for me, but only after I had to get new tools which Addy helped me to buy since I was short on the gold coin I carried with me.  We bumped into Ozymandius in the crafting hall there as well, but he didn't really have time to chat much so I will have to hear his story of the Blood War another time.  Next, after crafting the new rings, Addy and I went on a trip that took us all the way to North Fort, collecting the heads from giants on the way to fulfill the request made by the guardsman there at North Fort.

I decided to rest a while at North Fort and afterward left on my own to head for Northpoint and the portal from there back to Hlint.  I almost got lost along the way, but went carefully and remembered the route after all.  Upon arriving in Hlint I was in time to see Rhynn being handed a letter to be delivered to Farmer Part in Rilara, she invited myself and others gathered in teh area to accompany her on the trip.  It had been so long since I'd had the opportunity to go on a juant with Rhynn, I felt compelled to go if only to undo some of the distance that had grown between us in our friendship.  Alas, our friendship is doomed and no more.  Rhynn proved changed too much toward the tendencies of evil as she demonstrated by opening the letter entrusted to her before we were scarcely out the gates of Hlint.  I also was sad to see that of all the group, I was the only person honest enough to protest such action, and indeed others among our company encouraged her.  Rhynn's response of her new philosophy along the lines of, "If you can do something, and no one can stop you, and you want to do it, you can," is certainly born of selfishness, and selfishness in the traditions of my heritage is considered the root of all evil.

I made to leave company nearly at once, until I decided that since none among them were honest there must be at least one to be truthful with Farmer Part.  So, instead of abandoning the group I went ahead with them to Rilara, and on the way I informed Rhynn of my intent to tell Farmer Part what she had done if she was not honest with him herself.  Her reply to my encouragements to be honest was simply, "Why would I want to do that?"  Upon ariving to Farmer Part's home Rhynn delivered the letter and Farmer Part invited us all in for dinner, and since Rhynn shown that she would not be honest of her transgression, I volunteered the information to him in her stead.  Needless to say, my noble and honest action didn't earn me any friendship from those in the company, Farmer Part was a bit upset but graciously and forgivingly kept his offer for dinner open to us all.

In the face of such nobility I could not refuse to partake of his hospitality, though I thought it strange at the time, so I ate along with the others and the meal was quite good, but not as good as the food Addison can make.  Then dessert was served, pie.  It must have been drugged or hexed, for soon all of us who had eaten of it began to tire and fall asleep.  And then He appeared, Rhynn's old master Saebhell.  I puzzled out who he was just before my eyes became too heavy for me to keep open any longer.  My last glimpse of the waking world held Anna attempting to confront Saebhell on her own.

She must have failed in confronting him as when we woke, she was with us.  And a rude awakening it was, we were inside a dungeon or crypt of some sort and being attacked almost at once by undead.  Thankfully, we were all still with our weapons, armor and other gear and able to defend ourselves handilly whiel we began to assess our situation.  As a group we worked our way through the dark corridors of the dungeon which we would later discover to be only a nightmare, a dream our minds were trapped in.  After passing through a chamber with two large crystals, one suspended over the other with energies arching in jagged bolts between them, we descended further and encountered a lone being, not unlike in appearance to a small angel.  We learned from this being that we were trapped in a dream, or a dream-crystal, and that he indeed was the consciousness of the dream-crystal made mannifest.  He explained that he had been forced to serve Saebhell for a long time, and that he no longer wished to serve him, but that he didn't wish to die either.  So, he proposed instead that we destroy the crystals in the chamber above which would destroy his power and cause him to sleep for perhaps hundreds of years, but that he would then be free of Saebhell.

We did as he instructed and soon found ourselves sucked through a tear in the dream to another place, a beautiful island shrine, where stood Rhynn and our captor Saebhell.  Quickly we surrounded Saebhell and were about to demand our freedom when he changed into some sort of demon-beast.  We fought him until he was subdued and nearing his last breaths, and then Rhynn took his life, plunging her dagger into his chest.  Repeatedly.  Until she was covered in his blood.  While I understand her need for vengeance that amount of violence in her actions wasn't nescessary, not when her foe was already defeated and dead.  Soon the second dream-world dissolved around us and we truly awoke in Saebhells castle-tower near the burned-out looking dream-crystal.  At first Rhynn wished the crystal destroyed, but we told her of how it's own consciousness had helped us to escape and aid her.  Then Lia wished to take the crystal back to the tower of the Arcane Alliance, surely so that they could study it and subdue it to their own whims.  I was proud of Anna who stood against Lia to have the crystal kept safe elsewhere where the being inside could indeed obtain the rest and freedom he had paid the price for in aiding us.

Leaving the castle behind, I believe Rhynn burned it to the ground for all thebad memories for her it held, we all parted ways.  I will company no more with Rhynn, her selfish nature apparently now her only desire, I cannot abide with such.  As well, I may not travel with the others, since they have shown themselves lacking of honesty by not standing against Rhynn in the opening of that letter, regardless of that it turned out to be part of Saebhell's trick to capture Rhynn.  There was no way any of us could have known the letter was but an instrument of his deceit at the time, and so the trust shown to Rhynn in being given the letter to deliver should never have been allowed to be violated, much less the violation of trust encouraged by some.  I find it ironic, that now that I have learned to value honesty in everything through the loss of trust of Anna, that she herself would be among those who lifted not a finger to stop Rhynn from opening that letter and violating the trust placed upon her.

And speaking of Anna, she is no longer with child, though when I tried to ask her of the twins she once carried she indicated that they hadn't been born.  I do not know what that means, perhaps they were still-born?  Regardless, she is or was a close friend to me, and I mourn her loss.  Does she trust me again?  I don't know, but time will tell if she comes to me or not.  I still will not pursue her, her last wishes known to me being that I stay away from her for her fears that I spy on behalf of Mr. Mith.

I returned home to Pranzis and sent a letter via falcon to M'lanna to let her know what has happened to me and where I have been.  I pray she did not worry too much in my absence.  I pray also to see her again soon and to rest in her comforting embrace.

Forgiveness is that which absolves the selfish acts of past transgressions to make them as not.  In loving others one must be willing to forgive.  Yet the puzzle remains when is such forgiveness granted?  Do we continually forgive each transgression and allow those we love to continue to walk a path of selfishness without true repentance, watching them step further into ruination with each passing day?  Or, do we withold our forgiveness for the time when they show repentance for their selfishness and strive to return to the path of love themselves?  How do we know when the repentance we see is true or a ruse only to regain our own good graces and favor?