Treana Min E'Zoenna - Heart of True Peace

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 81 - Sunra, Jular 22, 1402

I'm so proud!  Addison's weaponsmithing skills have progressed to allow her success making bronze weapons.  It won't be long and she'll be making iron ones, and then adamantium ones.  She even made two new daggers of bronze that we can use instead of the copper ones at our wedding and they should hold a sharper edge than the copper.

Unfortunately, she's been called away on some urgeant business elsewhere for the last few days and I miss her sorely.  I've been mucking about looking for things to do to occupy my time.  So, I ended up with Ecthgow, Nepp', Silverhand, and Drogo up in the Berghagens and up past Shoufal.  We were thinking of trying to make our way to Ulgrid's, but ended up turning back when the giants and maur proved to be sapping our resources more than we'd hoped.  Still, no one died among us, so I count our venture successful even if we didn't get to Ulgrid's.  I have to giggle a bit at remembering how nervous the boys all seemed to be that if something should happen to me Addy would do dreadful things to them.  Thankfully they didn't fawn over me too much.

Lannaminimmur - Love of no end
E'Lanna - True love
Endulanna - Enduring love
Biirzoenlanna - Comforting love

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 82 - Augra 5, 1402

Today marks another sad day in the lands.  A great hero, at least in heart if not renown, has fallen.  I was with Glenn Thendor as he bravely fought giants in the deserts of Dregar, to his last and fianl breath.  Would that I could have poured my potion of healing into his mouth only a moment sooner and perhaps his passing would not have occured.  I did not know Glenn well, but what little I did see of his life proved to me he was a great man, of noble heart and generous spirit.

We, that is Addison, Kavil, Amy and myself, carried his remains to the temple of Folian S'pae south of Vale.  There we laid him to rest in the care of the priests of his god.

Next I see Bumblebee I'll inform him of Glenn's passing so that he may print it in the next issue of the Dragon's Whisper.  Everyone should know of the passing of this good man, Glenn Thendor.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 83 - Tunar, Augra 24, 1402

While initially it was my intent to have Bumblebee run an obituary for Glenn to honor the fallen hero, I have come to decide that it is something that someone more close to Glenn in life should most likely do.  This realization hit me after Addison and I broke the news to Nepp' in the smithy...he was shocked, fell to his knees, and lamented as well about how the news would affect Ash when she heard.  He seemed to think it best that he find Ash and be the one to deliver the news of Glenn's passing, so I will at very least give him some time to do so before speaking Bumblebee about an obituary.

In other significant events, Addison is now working with making iron weapons, and she produced some really nice iron daggers from her efforts already.  I've put the one she gave me into my personal chest in our room for safe-keeping until our wedding.  Who knows, she may have a set of adamantium blades made by then?  We will see.  I'm just so excited for her and her love for crafting weapons.  She also made for herself a silk night-gown much like my own, but dyed red instead, and it looks absolutely lovely on her.  She's shanged the look of her armor too, and now it looks much like my own but with lavender trimmings and longer sleeves.  I still think I might add some full-length silk sleeves to my own, just to help keep my arms warmer in this ever colder world.

Speaking of our wedding, she and I still haven't sellected our Viza Na'Ruvan's and we must both do so soon so we can spend some time preparing them for the ceremony.  I'll also have to re-write the ceremony outline I'd once copied from grandfather's notes, since for our wedding there will be no groom as such, but two brides.  I guess I've got my work cut out for me.  As odd as it sounds, I've considered asking Ecthgow to stand as my Viza Na'Ruvan, simply because he seems one of the most trustworthy and dependable of my friends at pressent.  I would ask Silool again, but Addy had mentioned she was thinking of asking her even though I'm not supposed to know who she'll pick by tradition.  So much yet to plan and time is running out.

I had a long talk with the lass, Nyyana.  She was upset because she'd stood for what she felt was right and the people she was with turned against her for it.  The situation was that her group had been tasked with recovering a shield with magical properties, owever the possessor of the shield was a man who'd become insane from those very same properties of the shield.  When they approahed this mad-man, some of the group promised not to take his shield from him while he slept, though they obviously had no intent of keeping their word to him.  Nyanna, being of good conscience, tried to protect the man's shield and have them uphold their promise since she felt they had all promised as a group not to take the shield from him.  The others turned on her and took the shield anyway, which caused the poor man to have an outburst of sorts and he attempted to claw off his own face.  Nyyana explained that the others simply didn't seem to care about the well-being of the man after they took the shield and broke their word to him, they didn't even try to ensure he received any kind of proper care for his condition.  In any case, she herself felt badly so I comforted her a bit by explaining some of the principals taught under the ways of the Old Culture.  Every thought and action we have is born of either one of two sources, selfishness or love.  We must all examine our own thoughts and actions carefully to determine which source they are born of, and the true answer is not always apparent even to us, and so we are prone to make mistakes.  Yet even in our imperfections we have forgiveness to absolve us of our debt of transgressions.  Forgiveness is not earned, it can only be received as a free gift from those who hold the debt against us, yet if the debt is with ourselves, we can forgive ourselves.

I also spoke again with Ozymandius about the Blood War.  We had an insteresting discussion, as is usual when we speak of such things.  I will continue to ponder the three major philosophies he says are the root of the Blood Wars, how they differ, and to which I myself seem to hold truest.  I think I see points of merrit to each that could be worked together to form a better philosophy, though Ozymandius says as they are none of the three can ever exist along side the others in harmony.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 84 - Threas, Seplar 26, 1402

Addison has been very moody lately, since she lost a strand and now has only one (or two?) left to lose.  She was for a time talking as though she'd never leave the house again, which I talked her out of.  I told her I wanted her to be happy and to live her life, and now she's gone off to Xantril without me to explore and see things she's never seen before.  I fear for her safety and I hope she is with a large, strong, organized group of sturdy, trustworthy companions to help ensure she remains alive.  I won't sleep well at all until she's back in my arms and I'm in hers again.

It was wonderful to see her there at the wedding of Rain and Sonya Darsus.  I labored hard in making a pair of outfits for her to choose from, and they both look absolutely wonderful on her.  Her smile and blown kisses were enough to help keep me confident as I stood as one of Sonya's brides' maids without so much as a clue as to what that entailed in the traditions that are so foreign to me.  Even Sonya said she didn't know exactly how the ceremony would be performed.  Aparently neither did Rain, since he slipped the ring on her finger too early in the ceremony, but the priest was very understanding and forgiving of the mistake.  After the wedding ceremony we went to the Freelancers to join the reception party there for a while, but Addy and I slipped off early together and went home.  I'm still glad I could be there as a bridesmaid for Sonya, though I don't know her all that well.  I guess I'll have to start making an effort to be a better friend to her since she seems to value my friendship so.

Anna was there for the wedding too, and played hostess on behalf of the Freelancer's for the wedding reception.  I got the chance to speak with her a little bit, and she seems willing to be friends still but says our friendship will never be the same as it was.  I didn't feel too comfortable talking at great length with her about it at the reception, since the purpose of it was to celebrate the wonderful occasion and day of Rain & Sonya's wedding.  It must be terrible for her to know her unborn children were somehow stolen right from her womb by someone.  I honestly don't know how she bears all the pain she's been through in her life and still manages to take care of the children from Karthy as well.  She said she missed my friendship.  I miss hers too.  My heart aches to reach out to her more, but I don't know how to do it.

Later, long after the wedding, I met up with a group of adventurers in Pranzis as they were preparing to leave.  Among them was Sa'Kura who invited me to come along with them.  I was bored, and didn't know where Addy was so I decided to go to pass some time and vent other frustrations upon the giants.  Addison's friend Akki joined us in Vale.  She's a bit hyper-active, but in a fun, silly way.  I like her.  In any case, our adventures eventually saw us to North Fort where the large group split loot and disbanded.  Sa'kura came with me to head back to Hlint via the portal in North Point, while Akki remained in North Fort to rest for a while.  After Sa'Kura and I portaled to Hlint, a falcon brought the letter to me from Addison which told me of her decision to go to Xantril.  Sa'Kura is missing Barion in a similar way as he too had to make a sudden trip to parts unknown to her.  I guess he's finally proposed to her as well.  After talking for a bit, I asked Sa'Kura to stand as my Viza Na'Ruvan for my wedding to Addison, and she agreed, even after I told her it would mean she'd have to kiss Addison as part of the ceremony.  I just hope Addison remains alive to see our wedding day, and the many years I hope will follow as well.

I think I'll spend the next few days at home with Calvin.  He's growing so fast and since he's becomming more and more aware of everything around him he really needs the love and attention of his parents now.  I'll read to him and play peek-a-boo and such as mothers do for their children.  Perhaps I'll even invite Caniel over to spend time with us both.  Addy's mom can be...well...protective to a fault for her daughter and grandson, but I know behind it all is a mother who loves her daughter and a grandmother who loves her grandson.  Maybe one day she'll love me the same way, but I won't hold my breath on that.  My being a woman is very much in conflict with her own beliefs and traditions regarding marriage, and she being an Elf has had hundreds of years to become set in those ways.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 85 - Satari, Oclar 14, 1402

Addison is still away in Xantril, but at least I received a letter from her.  It eases my concerns only a little.  Actually not at all.  I won't be happy again until I hold her safe in my arms.  However, on the positive side of things, I spoke at length with Anna for the first time in a long time.  I don't know how she does it, but she cares for everyone so much she bares all our burdens upon herself.  The children of Karthy, those that sleep and those that don't, her own children stolen from her womb, the relief efforts for Roldem and all the people there, and even me and her other friends...  Seemingly without a care for herself.  I invited her to come for a visit anytime she likes to see Calvin and how he's growing.  I offered to help her regain her own children if a way can be found.

I miss Addison.  I wish she were here right now or that I was with her wherever she is.  I wish everyone would quit saying everything will be fine and that she's strong and will come back safely, not because I don't want her to come back, but because those words don't help any.  How can anyone know with a surety if she will indeed come back?  I know she's strong, and smart, and a great warrior...but she's died before and Xantril from what I've heard is very dangerous.  She's only one strand left, when it's gone so is she.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 86 - Oclar 28, 1402

Addison returned safely from Xantril.  I was overjoyed to see her.  The joy was a little short lived though and she seemed sad and upset, with good reason I would find out later.  After she ran off, I think in tears, I finished dealing with Freldo who'd come just then with a box of silk.  He noticed how upset she'd been when he approached and offered to talk to her.  I thanked him for his concern and left, at first to try finding Addison, but then in not finding her, to take the long way home to Pranzis and vent some of my frustrations on the way.

When I arived at first home, it was empty, so I took some of my tanning and curing supplies from one of my chests and went to the crafting house.  There I cured and tanned the hides I'd collected on my way through Rilara to home.  I also managed to make one of two Cougar Bags I attempted.  The way Addy had run off still haunting my thoughts and feelings, I returned home somewhat dejected.  I put away what leftover things I had brought back with me from teh crafting house, and thought I heard activity in the store-room.  So I called for Addison as I went in to see.

She was there, sorting through things in the chests.  Getting them in order she said.  I can't remember many of the words said between us after that, I was too busy crying and aching inside.  But she was right to call me out, to say that I have been walling myself away from her in some ways to protect my heart.  I'm not sure of how to best tear down those walls, but I ache to.  She deserves all my love, without fear, without holding any back.  She deserves my faith in a long and happy future together with her, yet she's right that lately my faith seems to be more focused on the idea that I will lose her too soon, before we have a future together.  She cut our hands with a copper dagger she'd made and swore oath to me, and I pledged my undying love to her...I wanted to say more but couldn't find words to.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 87 - Novlar 15, 1402

**The writing on this page is blotched with patches of water or tear-stained ink.  Given the news within the words that can now only barely be made out the latter is more probable in being the cause for the splotches.**

M'lanna, why?  Why did you go and leave us?  How can you be dead after we just spoke of how happy we would be together, after we swore blood-oath?  I don't understand why you'd risk yourself like you did to end your life so soon.  Little Calvin is beginning to realize you're gone, he's begun to cry for you and I tell him you've gone to sleep, caught in the eternal dream, and you can't come back.  When he's older I'll explain to him more what that means.  I don't know if your mother knows the news yet or not, and I dread telling her for how she may react.  I think she'll likely blame me for your death, as she blamed you for your father's death.  I found the papers you'd had drawn up and signed before you left us, so at least now I needn't worry that Caniel will take Calvin from me.  I will care for your mother too, if she will let me, though I fear she never truly accepted me as her daughter in-law.

I love you still, and miss you.  I'll always miss you, and always love you.  One day I'll join you in the eternal dream and we can renew our love for eachother, but for now I must care for Calvin and see he grows up, hopefully to be happy.

I love you, M'lanna Addison.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 88 - Decilar 2, 1402

M'lanna Addison,

Though I know with your passing you are likely unable to read this, I find that it eases my grief some to write in my journal as though I'm writing to you.  I've decided to try and use up all the the materials you worked so hard to collect for our joint crafting efforts, it seems to me this is something you'd want done.  I've made a small start on using up the coal first in my efforts to make crystal rods as you had wanted me to do before you left.  The work takes some time as I must dig the sand for the glass ingots needed myself, and I dare not venture into risk while doing so lest I leave Calvin without even my love and support.  I've also cured and tanned what hides I am able to in my current understanding, though the hides of the dire bears which you and I collected are yet beyond my ability to work with.  Further, all the gems have been cut and polished except the diamond and ruby which I dare not risk until my abilities to work with them are nearly perfected.  I'll likely buy copper, bronze, and gold from Ecthgow or others in order to mount what gems are remaining into jewelry after I've exhausted the supplies of metals we have on hand.  I'll also likely take up weaponsmithing, if only to use up the two boxes of small molds I made for you before I found out about your death.

Perhaps, if I find my grief lessened enough when I am done using up our stores, I will continue to craft, using the profits I make from the things I sell to invest in further supplies gotten for me by others.  With Calvin to raise, I don't think I will be doing any further adventuring of my own for I feel the risk is too great.  He has already lost two parents, I dare not make myself the third.

I attended the story-tellers night at the Freelancers the other evening.  I had hoped it might take my mind off my longing for you, but it didn't.  I had no idea that Anna would be sharing the story of Elezanders Horses, which reminded me only of how you and I first met.  How we ventured together to quell the urges given you by Indulgeance.  How I grew to love you as a sister, and later how I came to love you as my most beloved, M'lanna.  To listen to stories was not the only reason I was there however, I also attended so that I might share my grandfather's poem, "A Single Thread", which now so closely mirrors my own feelings after your death.  I thought perhaps in sharing I might find some small comfort, and perhaps I did for a moment, but now I am home again and everything reminds me of how much I miss you.  How I miss your arms wrapped around me in slumber, the scent of your hair, the sound of your joyful, hearty laugh...  The delighted smiles and mischievious looks between us.  The way you held my hand in your own, or gently pulled me close for a kiss.

At the end of each day, and through every moment before then, I miss you.  I long to be with you in eternity, yet I know for now I must stay for Calvin.  These years I live out my life here with him as his mother will be fleeting compared to the time we will share together in the end, so I keep that in mind every moment.  Perhaps in time I'll find other reasons to live, but for now I live solely for Calvin, to be for him what you and Cole can no longer be for him in your passing from this world.

All my love is still yours,

Treana

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 89 - Decilar 17, 1402

M'lanna Addison,

In the time since I first learned of your demise I have gone through many emotions.  I admit I have been angry at you for leaving, though I know I shouldn't be.  Please forgive me that.  I have been angry at those who were with you, that they didn't protect you better and keep you alive.  I ask forgiveness for being angry with them too, they didn't know you were so close to your final death, they probably couldn't have saved you anyway despite their best efforts.  I've been angry at the Soul Mother for taking your last strand, and I still am.  I've been angry at the Illithid that slew you, and still am.  These two angers I will not easilly lay down and I ask no forgiveness for.  I have been lonely, sad, depressed, suicidal in thought but not in act, I would never leave Calvin alone in this world.  Yet, in the last few days, I have laughed thanks to Calvin and the joy he brings me that no other can.  Though these glimpses of happiness did not last, they give me hope that at least my future may not be so dark as the clouds over the land and my heart make it seem.  I don't know if I should, if it's right to do so, but perhaps I must ask your forgiveness for thinking there can be happiness without you?  I cannot be saddened forever, can I?  Would you want me to be?

I have been dissappointed in many people.  There have been many who say with their lips they wish to help me in my time of grief, with anyhting I might require, and yet when I ask them to simply dig sand for me they wander off and do not return.  Only three have made an effort to help in gathering the sand to make the glass to use the coal you gathered for me to make crystal rods with.  Surprisingly, not those I'd have expected to help more than others.  A man whose name is Lorn, whom I barely know but who knew you well.  Mr. Mith, who seems less desperate than he once was in regards to Anna, and who generally seems more calm than ever.  If Anna knew I'd accepted help from him she'd likely dismiss the friendship between herself and I once more...but that's another matter.  And finally Sa'Kura, who came with us as well, a friend ever-willing to help with almost any need.  With their aid enough sand was gathered in one trip to use up almost half of the coal you'd left me.  I only regret that I seemed to fail more often than not in the actual making of the crystal rods, but my skills have improved some as a result of my efforts.  I account the failures mainly to my own state of mind, for how can one concentrate on such craft while their mind is filled with thoughts of mourning and loss?

I found again the sealed scroll marked as your will, I will read it after your burial which I must still make arrangements for.  I must speak to those who are in authority to request that you be laid next to Cole in the Tomb of Lost Heroes.  I fear that because you were not well enough known by many that they may refuse such request to have you laid to rest there.  If so, I will seek to have you burried at our home in your own special crypt where one day I may lay in the rest of death next to you.

I still, and always will, love you M'lanna,

Treana

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 90 - Jenra 3, 1403

Dearest M'lanna Addison,

It seems my cinicism may be a little too cinical.  Rain and some of his friends were gathering sand for me as well, and he delivered it to me just the other day.  So, not everyone who said they'd help and appeared not to be helping was sitting on their laurels as I'd thought.  I wonder if anyone else will be dropping by with loads of sand?  It shouldn't be too long until I've used up all the coal at this rate.

Something else of unfortunate and disappointing nature occured.  Remember how I'd signed up to go to Roldem with Jennara's group not long before your passing?  Well, the day for the trip came and after talking with Jennara and finding the trip would be too dangerous to bring Calvin along with us I had to break that commitment.  It realy saddened me to have to do so.  I really wish to continue to aid the people of Roldem, and had hoped I could do so more directly.  Now it looks as though I'll be stuck having to satisfy their needs from afar making boots and cloaks as I've been doing all along.

I finally saw Kyle again, or rather caught him trying to sneak away from me.  Can you believe it?  He actually thought he was a source of misfortune for me!  I wanted to cry, and cry hard, but I set him straight by reminding him that before I ever knew him I'd lost Erathim and everyone else I loved.  All of it reminded me of the differences between the love you and I shared and the 'love' Talen and I had at one time.  Talen always wanted to know that I loved him more than I had Erathim, you didn't care that I'd loved Erathim before you, you simply wanted to know you had all the love I could give now.  Our love wasn't a contest about which love was greater, past or pressent.  Though we did jokingly compete with eachother about who loved who more.  We have some beautiful memories even in such short time as we were together as a couple, you and I.

My times of joy with Calvin grow more frequent, and I even find myself amused by others from time to time again.  I'll never completely stop mourning you.  Well, not until I'm in the heavens with you that is.  Do you think that you as a follower of Aeridan, and myself as a follower of Toran will be allowed to be together in the afterlife?  I hadn't given that much thought until now.  I shall have to talk with a priest, for if I cannot come to where you are as a Toranite then I will have to renounce Toran to follow Aeridan to be with you again.

Time to go work some more, and play with Calvin, and otherwise live.

I love you, M'lanna!,

Treana

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 91 - Jenra 19, 1403

Dearest M'lanna Addison,

Today would have been our official wedding date.  Now, instead of standing before our A'Tulsaiir Na'Biirisa with our Viza Na'Ruvan's at our sides and we dressed in our courting garb, your body lays in the halls of the Crimson Shield waiting to be intered in it's final resting place and I sit on the couch dresed in a mourning dress while I watch Calvin play with some of his toys on the floor and write this entry.  He'll be a full two years old in about a month and a few days from now and he's walking and talking a little.  Most of all he smiles.  It is his smiles that keep me from crying every moment of this day, that allow me to have steady enough hand to write.

I haven't gone out much lately.  I haven't felt like it.  Not to craft, not to sit with Calvin and watch people pass by, not really to do anything.  I'll have to start calling on people soon to bring me the things I need to craft with, my supplies of goods are running low and when I do begin crafting again I'm sure they'll be gone quickly.  Rain Darsus made me an offer to join his group of friends in their efforts to form a lasting crafting guild or company.  I feel it might be a smart move business-wise for me, as I could most likely call on them to acquire the things I need to craft with and thus devote my full time to crafting alone.  Imagine how quickly my skills would improve toward complete mastery...  That might be something worth living for in your absence.

Things have been slow lately otherwise.  I did receive one order from someone named Caeles for a complete set of Cat's Grace rings and amulet.  I think I have them all in stock still, so perhaps he'll stop by the house to come pick them up.  I'll double-check my stock and send him a bird.

E'Lanna min im'mur (True Love of no end),

Treana

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 92 - Febra 25, 1403

Calvin's birthday is today.  He's now two years old.  I'm so proud of him. He's walking on his own two feet pretty steady now, and he knows quite a few words, when he chooses to speak.  He's become very shy in many ways, but at the same time he's always exploring new things with his eyes and his hands.  When we go out together he usually clings close to me, peaking out at people from behind me while I talk, not that I talk much myself with anyone any more.  I think I need to find some children his own age or there about for him to play with, being with me alone all the time isn't good for him I don't think.  I've also been thinking of hiring a nanny to help look after him, since Caniel seems to have disappeared and doesn't come to visit.  I worry about her.  I wish she were more accepting of me, at least enough to come visit Calvin.  He should know his grandmother.

A few days ago another matter regarding Calvin was brought to my attention.  Something I don't recall Addison ever mentioning.  Mr. Mith tracked me down in the Pranzis carfting house and told me before his death Calvin's father, Cole, had asked that Calvin be introduced to magic and allowed to study it if he chose.  I am not opposed to Calvin learning magic, if he chooses, but Mr. Mith wanted to take him as his own apprentice when he becomes a little older.  While I trust in Mr. Mith's good intentions, I do not feel I can entrust Calvin into his care given his current state of mind.  He confesses he is fighting against demons in his head, and after what he did with Rhynn while she was his apprentice...  I simply cannot trust him with Calvin, not even though he says he'd never do anything to intentionally hurt either of us.  I still count Mr. Mith as a friend, of sorts, but when it comes to Calvin's well-being I dare not trust anyone implicitly.

I still don't feel quite ready to face a more or less public wake for Addison.  I still haven't nailed down where her final resting place will be.  But I know these things must be attended to soon.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 93 - Mai 11, 1403

M'lanna Addison,

I apologize that it's been some time since my last journal entry, but I've still been thinking of you every day.  Not much has happened or changed in our lives here to report about, but what has change I will commit to this entry.

After many countless interviews I've managed to find someone I feel enough trust in to be Calvin's nanny.  Marianna Underroot is her name, and she's a halfing who grew up on a farm not far from Haven with many other siblings whom she helped care for.  She also has some prior experience as a nanny for another family of one of the guards here in Pranzis who sadly was slain in the invasion.  Since they are no longer able to afford her services with the loss of income from their lost loved one, Marianna was forced to seek other employ.  She's content to stay here with myself an Calvin for room and board and 100 gold a week.  I feel it shouldn't bee too hard to pay her once I return to making fine jewelry and other crafts.  Evens so, in the mean time I've still plenty of money in the bank.  In any case, with Marianna to help look after Clavin I may have more time again to venture out and continue living in honor of you, though I'll still avoid doing anything very risky for Calvin's sake.

Still no word from the Tomb of Lost Heroes caretakers in reply to my request to have your remains burried there along-side Cole Norseman's.  I guess perhaps you weren't well-known enough for them to grant such permissions, or perhaps the beaurocratic process is simply holding htings up.  Since I do not feel I can wait much longer for an answer from them, I'm making plans to have a small set of catacombs built under our home when the workmen finally come to remodel the place for us.  I'll also have a memorial gathering here at the house in the comming days so that our friends may come pay their respects in your memory.

M'lanna, I love you still,

Treana

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 94 - Jular 15, 1403

M'lanna Addison,

I can find no peace without you.  I've tried going back out into the world and doing things I used to enjoy doing, but everythign I do and everywhere I go only serve to remind me that you're no longer there with me.  There is no one on which I can place the blame for your death, and even if there were blame does not return you to my side.  Still, everyone is 'sorry'.

After a quick mining expedition to acquire gold, the others with me must have thought I meant to take my own life.  Not that the thought hadn't ever crossed my mind, but that I know I cannot leave Calvin that way.  Further to do so would make me a hyppocrite after all the times I talked you out of such foolishness.  Yet the questions call to my mind, "How much longer must this hurting last?  How many more days must I endure being seperated from you?"  In my current state, it's a wonder anyone can stomach being around me themselves.

How can I learn to smile again?
How can I learn to laugh again?
Forgiveness?
Is that why everyone says they are sorry?  To echo the words of your own heart from the moment of your death?  Do you wish my forgiveness for leaving me, for leaving Calvin?  I can't forgive you yet, forgiveness requires love and I have none left.  Give me back my love, you took it all with you when you left.  At least return to me some small bit of it that I can grow love in my heart again.  You owe me that, don't you?  Otherwise I'm as good as dead, and you know that.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 95 - Seplar 4, 1403

To all my loved ones who have gone to the afterlife before me,

I miss you all and yearn to be with you again, yet I know the time is not yet right for me.  I feel another pulling on my heart to continue on here in the world fo the living, I just need to find the way to live again myself.  Sweet Erathim, forgive my moments of unfaithfulness in my mortal frailty, I still love you.  I love M'lanna Addison as well now too, and I'm sure if you can see my heart from where you are you can see that in it.  Grandfather, your words of wisdom from my youth often pass my lips, yet I continue to grasp them and hold true wisdom within myself as I would wish to.  Perhaps that is why I cannot seem to find my way back to living.

Even my love for my son Calvin doesn't seem enough to firmly root me in life again.  Addison, you would be so proud of Calvin now.  He's turning into quite the little gentleman for one of only two years of age.  He is very well spoken and learns new words every day.  Even Freldo seemed impressed when he came for a brief visit.  Calvin even seems to be getting over some of his shyness, I think some thanks for that goes to Marianna.  I asked Freldo if maybe he'd take Calvin with him to visit Cole's old orphanage sometimes, there he might learn more about his father than I could ever teach him.

I donated a couple more pairs of boots, some panther capes and tiger belts to the Roldem Relief Effort using the donation crates in the Freelancers.  Hopefully they'll serve the people of Roldem well.  Now that I have Marianna to help with Calvin, perhaps I can join those working directly in Roldem to restore the land there.  I suppose I should seek out Jennara to find out more about how I may help there.  Even though I do not feel alive anymore, my life should count for something, should it not?

With memories of you all,

Treana

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 96 - Novlar 24, 1403

Here I am stuck out in the middle of who-knows-where, far away from home in Pranzis and my sweet Calvin.  I'm sure he's safe though as I left him in the care of Caniel and Marianna together.  After Addison's memorial service I felt I just had to get out for a while or I'd likely get trapped in my emotions and not leave again for months, maybe years, maybe not ever.  So I wandered toward Lorindar and came across that halfling woman, Lillian, and my friend Sniverous.  They invited me to go hunting goblins with them, but then Sniverous remembered he needed to meet Rawkwin in Arabel so we went there instead.  I probably should have backed out at that point and gone home, but against my better judgement, against any reason at all I went with them.  I was right, it was a mistake, I died and risked meeting the Soul Mother.  For what?  Nothing.  After that I became even more careful and stuck very close to the others, we ended up in some city or fort, I forget the name of this place.  Here I decided to remain until the others return for me to take me back to Arabel from whence I can sail home.

Being here has given me time to think about some things and reflect upon Addison's memorial service.  Caniel had an outburst of sorts, and who can blame her?  She loves Addison as her mother as much as I do as her ...wife.  Caniel blamed us all, Addison's friends and loved ones, for allowing her to continue going to dangerous places and riskher life.  Maybe in some ways she's right to do so, but I don't think Addy would have listened even had I demanded her to cease adventuring for me, even though she often talked of retiring for Calvin and I herself.  She just had a spirit for adventure and she would not have been alive in the true sense we all loved her for were it restrained.  She knew how to live, and really live.  Maybe the rest of us can take some lessons from her in that regard, but many of her actions were also selfish not taking into consideration the consequences or the loved ones she would leave behind.  Hard to say it of someone who also showed so much generosity, a giving spirit like none I've seen before.

One thing is certain, we all love Addison, we all will rememebr her for the rest of our lives.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 97 - Decilar 10, 1403

Well, I managed my way back to Arabel using a stardust of Beryl to hide myself from sight and keep me safe as I ran from Fort Miritix.  I don't think I'd have had the courage to go it on my own if Lillian hadn't shown up to say she and her boyfriend (lover, fiance?) had come to make sure I got home safely.  I didn't get to meet Lyle, however, as he had gone to rest at the inn upon ariving there and I didn't wish to wait any longer.  I thanked Lillian for coming all the way out there for me though.  The fact that the two of them came alone together for me was an inspiration that gave me the courage to set out.

Now that I've reached Arabel, it won't be long until I am safe at home again with Calvin, Caniel, and Marianna.  I miss them so much.  I do hope Caniel learns to get along better with Marianna though, she seems to dislike halfings for some reason.  A realization that has struck me just now is that perhaps Caniel is the perfect choice to be the one who introduces Calvin to magic when he is ready to learn it.  She seems disciplined, and she seems to be able to work the Weave, and I know she is one person I can trust for a certainty not to bring harm to Calvin in any way.  I'll have to talk to her about the idea and see if she is willing and as able as I think she would be.

It's hard to believe that had you lived we'd be getting ready to cellebrate our first wedding anniversary soon.  I miss you so much, each and every day Addy.  We all miss you.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 98 - Decilar 25, 1403

I feel I almost saw Addison while in the death void today.  I was dead for so long...  I felt like I was near, like she was there somewhere on the other side, but always out of reach.  I wanted to stay, to reach her, and then I was pulled back into the world alive again.

I must stay for Calvin, mustn't I?  I'll try not to die again.  It's torture.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 99 - Mai 5, 1404

A few things have happened lately of note enough that I ought to write about them.  I've been helping Freldo and a group of other adventurer's to investigate some relics and a prophecy of sorts.  We were last in the town of Lannisport, trying to find a way to the temple of Shindalaria which lies beneath the waves in the harbor there.  When it became apparent that we couldn't hold our breaths long enough to reach the temple, and that none of the spell-weavers among us could cast spells to allow us to breath underwater, we found out from a local about an old woman living in the swamps not too far from town could make amulets that would allow us to breath underwater.

Before that though, I nearly killed Freldo.  Something in my emotions became so strong that I lost control, and had my mood not suddenly changed to one of utter sorrow I would have struck him down.  Instead I fell into a heap of tears, not once, but twice.  It seemed to happen when Freldo was playing the song he heard from the mysterious staff piece, one of the items we were investigating.

When we reached the old woman, an Elven lady of many, many years, she told us the legend of the one who the staff-piece most likely came from.  Hearing the legend, the change in my emotions caused by Freldo's playing of that song made more sense to me, even though I still had no control over those emotions.  I fear to lose control of myself like that again.

The lady said she'd make the amulets we need, so long as we bring her the things she needs to make them.  One of those ingredients she requires is ruby dust.  Before I realized what I was saying, I mentioned to the others that I do have a clump of ruby mineral, and I immediately regretted it.  It is one of the things left to me from Addison, and therefore very precious to me, as it was to her.  I remember how she was often mentioning how she'd one day have it cut and set into a fabulous piece of jewelry.  I don't think I can give it up, but perhaps if I can get in touch with Kavil I can ask him if he thinks he can cut and polish it with no risk, and thus at the same time at least gain a little of the dust that will be produced from the cutting.  I will try to reach him before our group meets again to see the old woman.

Another matter come to bear again, Mr. Mith has once more asked me to sell his wares for him, when I mentioned my need for some new enchantments for one of my rapiers.  If I were to commit to this business deal it would mean I would save half the cost of any enchantments for myself that I might need in the future, but I still worry some about how Anna might view such a connection between myself and Mr. Mith.  Still the deal sounds too good for me to pass on, and I think Anna would understand if I were to tell her.  I hope.

[Nehetsrev]

Entry 100 - Augra 25, 1404

It's been a long while since I've written here-in, but today I have something I must write about.  It seems Broegar's new rule is gradually picking apart Pranzis bit by bit.  First, weeks or months ago the temple of Toran was sealed off without any notice or explaination.  Now I've learned from a friend that my good neighbors Michael and Honora are being evicted from their home here in the Haft Lake district simply because of their racial heritages.  I cannot in good conscience allow this sort of rule to continue without doing something to oppose it.  The Old Culture teachings of my up-bringing were founded on tollerance and fairness dispensed to all, and with judgement passed on individuals not based on their race but on their actions.

It is my intent to begin setting up a group of resistence against Broegar with the goal to re-take Pranzis.  We will have to work covertly, of this I am sure.  Thus I am devising a method of encoding text that will not be easy to decipher unless one knows the keys to doing so.  This will allow notes regarding the sensitive and subversive activities of the resistence to be passed with less risk of being found out.  Much planning will be required to get this into motion.  I'll have to find trustworthy people, and devise a way for us to meet so the encoding method I'll use can be explained to them first hand and in person.